Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Sober 20 Years, Relapsed Drunkard "Absolutely Shocked" at Beer Prices

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — (TYDN) A local man who fell off the wagon Wednesday said he was coping with his first hangover in two decades and also suffering from sticker shock concerning the inflated price of booze, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Thomas Jonsing is floored by beer prices. Photo: FlackJacket2010
Thomas Jonsing, a 57-year-old cabinet maker divorced three times, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that he couldn't believe the local Pioneer Club Bar & Grill was charging $5 a draft.

"For months, I've been going back and forth on whether to get started again. It's been 20 years. I hit the Pioneer Club, my old stomping grounds, and was absolutely shocked at how much beer was," Jonsing said in a telephone interview. "I mean, $5 a pop! I almost decided to stay sober. But I didn't."

It was the first time a relapsed alcoholic voiced concern about the price of alcohol, analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

"Usually, they just dive in head first, irrespective of the cost," Smith Barney analyst Joshua Bornstenlerian said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jonsing said he rang up a "substantial" tab at the Pioneer Club. So, in search of cheaper booze, he decided to hit the local liquor store, where for the first time he took a trip down the beer isle in decades.

"Light beer!" he exclaimed. "What the hell is that?"

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Facebook Promises to Be "Less of a Dick" under New Terms of Service

MENLO PARK, Calif. — (TYDN) Facebook, the world's largest social-media platform, unveiled a new user agreement Tuesday promising it would be "less of a dick" to its more than 1 billion account holders, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Scott Beale
Facebook, which has come under repeated attack over user privacy, announced the changeover in language buried in its new 50,000-word terms of service. The development, which turned heads from Silicon Valley to Wall Street, comes weeks after it was revealed that the Menlo Park, Calif.-based publicly traded company secretly experimented with user feeds by altering comments in them.

It was the first time Facebook announced it would be "less of a dick," analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

"When Facebook changes its terms of service, it usually means user privacy is affected," said Goldman Sachs social media analyst Alan Rukmelstein, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is a game changer."

Two lines in the new user agreement say: "We keep hearing from our users that their privacy matters. So, for now on, we promise to be less of a dick when it comes to your privacy."

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg declined comment.

Facebook said in a statement that users' privacy comes first, and that how the company treats its users' data is openly disclosed in its terms of service.

"This is a free social media platform and everything is out in the open," the company said in an exclusive e-mail to TheYellowDailyNews. "Nobody's head is being held at gunpoint forcing them to use our service."

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Monday, July 21, 2014

Supreme Court Rules Minorities, Poor and Gays Excluded From ObamaCare

Photo: David
WASHINGTON — (TYDN) The Supreme Court ruled unanimously Monday that President Barack Obama's centerpiece legislation providing health care to the masses, known as ObamaCare, does not cover minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In overturning one of the most expensive and expansive pieces of social legislation approved in the modern era, the Supreme Court found that the plain language of the statute means that only the white, middle and upper classes are eligible for the health insurance program. That's because, buried inside the 20,000-page package, is express language prohibiting coverage for minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote.

"After careful analysis of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act that the president signed in 2010, we conclude that the plain language of the statute excludes minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians," Roberts wrote for the majority. "It expressly says so on page 19,999."

Democrats suggested there must have been a typo when the bill was produced by the Government Printing Office. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that he would demand a Justice Department investigation into what Washington insiders are calling "Typo-gate."

An analysis of the bill by TheYellowDailyNews analysis concluded that—on page 19,999—the legislation expressly says that "Minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians are excluded from coverage." Democrats, however, said the bill should read: "Minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians aren't excluded from coverage."

Obama, meanwhile, distanced himself from Typo-gate. In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, he derided the nine-member high court as "a bunch of activist judges who achieved the results they wanted. This simply shocks the conscience."

Republicans, meanwhile, immediately exulted, saying they had contended all along that lawmakers would never have voted to approve a handout to the downtrodden, whom they call "the takers of society."

"That this measure was construed to provide health care to "the takers of society" simply shocks the conscience," House Speaker John Boehner said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That's what the emergency room is for."

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Friday, July 18, 2014

Gotta Go to the Bathroom? New iOS App Allows Booking of Private Home Toilets

CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Apple approved Friday its latest "sharing economy" application for iPhones and iPads, one that allows users to immediately book private home toilets, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The new AirWC app, which connects those having to go to the bathroom with people renting their toilets, follows an onslaught of apps in the "sharing economy" space to land on iOS and Android. Some of the most popular ones assist in short-stay home or room rentals, taxi services and even dog walking.

Analysts, however, said the AirWC app has stumbled on an often overlooked market.

"How many times have you been out and about and then, suddenly, you really had to go to the bathroom?" iOS analyst Jackson DiJornolo asked in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is a game changer."

Under the app's terms of service, toilet renters must agree to charge no more than $4 for 15 minutes of bathroom time. Additional minutes and premium services cost extra.

The GPS-enabled app, which is expected to be released on Android later this month, shows bathroom-goers a detailed map of all the available rental toilets in their immediate vicinity, and provides directions as well.

App designer Joe Johnson was suffering a new bout of colitis and was not immediately available to comment on how he came up with the idea.

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