Friday, February 24, 2017

Tech association mulling new TV color refinements in wake of Trump's "orange effect"

SAN FRANCISCO—(TYDN) The Television Industry Color Association, responding to consumer complaints that televisions cannot adequately bleach out President Donald Trump's "orange effect," is expected to announce next week that TVs shipping in time for the holidays will have new, automated color controls that will address this vexing problem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Matt A.J.
Sources close to what many are saying is the biggest development in television after color became standard, said the new and highly complex technology will combat what many are decrying as Trump's so-called "Cheetos-like hue."

"Consumers have been complaining that there's simply too much orange on the screen when Trump is on air, and we've addressed that," a well-placed source in the Television Industry Color Association told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to disclose the wide-ranging technology. "While many consumers couldn't stand the president because of his political dealings, an even larger majority of Americans couldn't stomach looking at an Orange man as their leader."

Meantime, several high-ranking US intelligence operatives had urged the Television Industry Color Association to come up with a fix to what they said was a "threat to national security." These intelligence officers, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly address the issue, privately told TheYellowDailyNews that "we felt having an Orange-looking president wasn't a good look for a man holding the code of the nation's nuclear arsenal."

Another intelligence official added that Trump's "orangish hue" clashed with the president's red-white-and-blue attire. "I mean, a red or blue tie, and an Orange face and hair, it's simply gauche."

Sources said that all of the major television makers across the globe will adopt the new technology, dubbed "Remove Trump's Orange Color." It is expected to be ready around Thanksgiving time.

While the technology will be standard, consumers will have the option to modify the "Remove Trump's Orange Color" setting. And the setting, to assuage concerns of prejudice from the Cheeto-American community, is disabled by default. In what is considered an olive-branch to the Cheeto-American community, consumers will be presented with the choice to make Trump appear less Orange, or they can also make him look more Orange. They can also leave him in his usual standard-definition orange.

"We started hearing complaints from some leaders of the Cheeto-American community that lighting Trump's skin tone was not acceptable, and was racist to people of Orange color," a well-placed official in the Television Industry Color Association told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "So, in response, we added the default 'Keep Trump Orange' feature."

Monday, October 3, 2016

Trump says he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Clinton

PUEBLO, Colo.—(TYDN) Donald Trump, the GOP presidential candidate, issued his harshest criticism yet of his campaign rival, saying Monday he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Hilary Clinton, the Democratic nominee for president, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"She is so terrible that I wouldn't waste my Viagra on her, even if she were the last woman alive, and I use that term, woman, loosely," said Trump, to huge applause from supporters here at the Pueblo Convention Center. "Presidential. You call that presidential. How can you call her presidential when nobody wants to touch her with a 10-foot pole. And I won't even bring up the Monica Lewinsky scandal."
Illustration: wetwebwork

Later in the day, Trump's comments bumped him about 5 points in national polls conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, bringing the Nov. 8 race to a dead heat. Analysts expected Trump to surge in the polls even more in the coming days in the wake of what many are calling "Viagra-gate."

"Ever since last week's debate, everybody has been saying that Clinton played Trump for a fool, that she led him down a path of no return, and they were right," Harvard University elections scholar Ted Milenstien told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "But now I think the tables have turned, and that Clinton can't deny Trump's Viagra-gate accusations. She's got her work cut out for her."

The development, analysts told TheYellowDailyNews, is certain to consume the campaign agenda just a month away from Election Day 2016. Trump's tax returns, him not paying taxes, his bankruptcies, his Cuba dealings and his comb over aren't likely to be an issue anymore. What's more, Clinton's e-mail scandal, Benghazi and her sullied record as secretary of state won't be the election hot-button topics anymore, either.

"Viagra-gate is what everybody is going to be focused on until the polls close," Stanford University political scientist, Burn Brenstein, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "The public really wants the candidates to duke it out over the issues, and I think we've finally stumbled upon one."

But Clinton campaign operatives countered Trump.

One well-placed Clinton campaign operative, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that "The billionaire's comments underscore that he's not as big as he thinks he is."

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Clinton, Trump agree not to call each other's supporters "jackasses" on Sept. 11

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, in a tribute to this nation 15 years following the deadliest attacks on US soil, jointly agreed Sunday to commemorate 9/11 by not insulting their rival's supporters for a day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The agreement follows a volley of vitriol from both campaigns that have declared supporters on each side "jackasses," "giant jackasses," and "ginormous jackasses."

In a rare sign of unity, the two candidates issued a joint statement, exclusively to TheYellowDailyNews, explaining that it wouldn't be presidential for them to demean the public on the 15th anniversary of 9/11. "But make no mistake, we'll pick up where we left off the following day," the statement said.
Illustration: DonkeyHotey, for TYDN
Presidential historians said it was the first time candidates for the Oval Office decided not to trade insults following the 2012 elections, when President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney agreed not to declare one another a "gaping jackass" on 9/11.

"What Trump and Clinton are doing is absolutely remarkable: Both are exercising extreme patriotism on this day of remembrance," Harvard University historian Lee Dilstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This brings up memories of the 2012 elections, when Obama and Romney put their political differences aside for the moment and stopped calling each other a 'gaping jackass' on 9/11."

Meantime, a TYDN-CNN poll released Sunday found that 99 percent of Trump supporters thought that voters supporting Clinton were "jackasses beyond belief." The same telephone survey found that 99 percent of Clinton backers believed that voters supporting Trump were "jackasses to no end."

The survey had a 0 percent margin of error.


Thursday, September 8, 2016

Apple says it took "courage" to demand sweatshop workers build iPhones without headphone ports

SAN FRANCISCO (TYDN)— Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller said Wednesday it took "courage" for the technology giant to get enough nerve to demand that the thousands of children enslaved in China factories produce its newest iPhone without a 3.5mm audio port, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The reason to move on: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us," Schiller said onstage here at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, as he announced that the new iPhone 7 would not come with a headphone jack.

"We were concerned that, if the assembly line workers objected, we would have had no recourse. What could we have done? We had no more room to dock their pay," Schiller said.
Phil Schiller explains "courage"

The 7,000 members of the Apple Faithful covering the iPhone unveiling fell head over heels. After all, Schiller's comments were a clear acknowledgement that Apple was finally taking human rights seriously, analysts said.

Now that Apple is removing the headphone jack, other phone makers will likely follow suit. That's another positive development for Chinese children working 16-hour days at overseas technology factories.

"This is a really great time to be a Chinese factory worker making mobile phones. Think about how much less cancerous dust the workers will have to breathe because they won't have to drill the headphone hole," Tina Stein, a human rights monitor for Amnesty International, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Apple's adoration for its factory workers takes my breath away."

Other analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews agreed—that Apple's decision to remove the headphone jack can only be good for assembly line workers.

"Apple has always been a leader, and now it is leading the charge for protecting the thousands of children who are slaving away building Apple products in dangerous conditions," technology analyst Jon Crackstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let there be no mistake, this is likely to reduce the suicide rate of Apple assembly line workers at the Foxconn sweatshops by 6.79 percent, or more."

Still, other analysts told TheYellowDailyNews that Apple's decision will increase employment opportunities for overseas factory workers. That's because Apple is moving from an open standard to a closed one when it comes to how headphones plug into its iPhone—in this instance via the charging port instead of a headphone jack.

"Think of all the new headphones everybody is gonna have to buy now," Smith-Barney analyst Anita Bornstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Sure, Apple makes magical devices. But all of these new headphones aren't going to be built by magic. This is all about job creation."
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