Monday, October 3, 2016

Trump says he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Clinton

PUEBLO, Colo.—(TYDN) Donald Trump, the GOP presidential candidate, issued his harshest criticism yet of his campaign rival, saying Monday he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Hilary Clinton, the Democratic nominee for president, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"She is so terrible that I wouldn't waste my Viagra on her, even if she were the last woman alive, and I use that term, woman, loosely," said Trump, to huge applause from supporters here at the Pueblo Convention Center. "Presidential. You call that presidential. How can you call her presidential when nobody wants to touch her with a 10-foot pole. And I won't even bring up the Monica Lewinsky scandal."
Illustration: wetwebwork

Later in the day, Trump's comments bumped him about 5 points in national polls conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, bringing the Nov. 8 race to a dead heat. Analysts expected Trump to surge in the polls even more in the coming days in the wake of what many are calling "Viagra-gate."

"Ever since last week's debate, everybody has been saying that Clinton played Trump for a fool, that she led him down a path of no return, and they were right," Harvard University elections scholar Ted Milenstien told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "But now I think the tables have turned, and that Clinton can't deny Trump's Viagra-gate accusations. She's got her work cut out for her."

The development, analysts told TheYellowDailyNews, is certain to consume the campaign agenda just a month away from Election Day 2016. Trump's tax returns, him not paying taxes, his bankruptcies, his Cuba dealings and his comb over aren't likely to be an issue anymore. What's more, Clinton's e-mail scandal, Benghazi and her sullied record as secretary of state won't be the election hot-button topics anymore, either.

"Viagra-gate is what everybody is going to be focused on until the polls close," Stanford University political scientist, Burn Brenstein, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "The public really wants the candidates to duke it out over the issues, and I think we've finally stumbled upon one."

But Clinton campaign operatives countered Trump.

One well-placed Clinton campaign operative, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that "The billionaire's comments underscore that he's not as big as he thinks he is."

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Clinton, Trump agree not to call each other's supporters "jackasses" on Sept. 11

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, in a tribute to this nation 15 years following the deadliest attacks on US soil, jointly agreed Sunday to commemorate 9/11 by not insulting their rival's supporters for a day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The agreement follows a volley of vitriol from both campaigns that have declared supporters on each side "jackasses," "giant jackasses," and "ginormous jackasses."

In a rare sign of unity, the two candidates issued a joint statement, exclusively to TheYellowDailyNews, explaining that it wouldn't be presidential for them to demean the public on the 15th anniversary of 9/11. "But make no mistake, we'll pick up where we left off the following day," the statement said.
Illustration: DonkeyHotey, for TYDN
Presidential historians said it was the first time candidates for the Oval Office decided not to trade insults following the 2012 elections, when President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney agreed not to declare one another a "gaping jackass" on 9/11.

"What Trump and Clinton are doing is absolutely remarkable: Both are exercising extreme patriotism on this day of remembrance," Harvard University historian Lee Dilstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This brings up memories of the 2012 elections, when Obama and Romney put their political differences aside for the moment and stopped calling each other a 'gaping jackass' on 9/11."

Meantime, a TYDN-CNN poll released Sunday found that 99 percent of Trump supporters thought that voters supporting Clinton were "jackasses beyond belief." The same telephone survey found that 99 percent of Clinton backers believed that voters supporting Trump were "jackasses to no end."

The survey had a 0 percent margin of error.


Thursday, September 8, 2016

Apple says it took "courage" to demand sweatshop workers build iPhones without headphone ports

SAN FRANCISCO (TYDN)— Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller said Wednesday it took "courage" for the technology giant to get enough nerve to demand that the thousands of children enslaved in China factories produce its newest iPhone without a 3.5mm audio port, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The reason to move on: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us," Schiller said onstage here at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, as he announced that the new iPhone 7 would not come with a headphone jack.

"We were concerned that, if the assembly line workers objected, we would have had no recourse. What could we have done? We had no more room to dock their pay," Schiller said.
Phil Schiller explains "courage"

The 7,000 members of the Apple Faithful covering the iPhone unveiling fell head over heels. After all, Schiller's comments were a clear acknowledgement that Apple was finally taking human rights seriously, analysts said.

Now that Apple is removing the headphone jack, other phone makers will likely follow suit. That's another positive development for Chinese children working 16-hour days at overseas technology factories.

"This is a really great time to be a Chinese factory worker making mobile phones. Think about how much less cancerous dust the workers will have to breathe because they won't have to drill the headphone hole," Tina Stein, a human rights monitor for Amnesty International, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Apple's adoration for its factory workers takes my breath away."

Other analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews agreed—that Apple's decision to remove the headphone jack can only be good for assembly line workers.

"Apple has always been a leader, and now it is leading the charge for protecting the thousands of children who are slaving away building Apple products in dangerous conditions," technology analyst Jon Crackstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let there be no mistake, this is likely to reduce the suicide rate of Apple assembly line workers at the Foxconn sweatshops by 6.79 percent, or more."

Still, other analysts told TheYellowDailyNews that Apple's decision will increase employment opportunities for overseas factory workers. That's because Apple is moving from an open standard to a closed one when it comes to how headphones plug into its iPhone—in this instance via the charging port instead of a headphone jack.

"Think of all the new headphones everybody is gonna have to buy now," Smith-Barney analyst Anita Bornstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Sure, Apple makes magical devices. But all of these new headphones aren't going to be built by magic. This is all about job creation."

Sunday, July 24, 2016

NRA implores its members to stop shooting, killing people

FAIRFAX, Va.—(TYDN) Wayne LaPierre, the National Rifle Association chief executive officer, asked the group's faithful followers Sunday to stop shooting and killing people, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

LaPierre's comments at its national membership meeting in the lobbying group's hometown here follow a recent spate of murders across the globe, in which NRA members sprayed people with bullets for no apparent reason. LaPierre said it was the victims' fault for not wearing bullet-proof vests while out in public. But he also said he's growing tired of having to respond to the almost daily and indiscriminate murdering of non-bullet-proof-vest-wearing innocents.
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre urges members to quit killing people. Photo: TYDN
"It frankly shocks the conscience that people would go out in public and not wear bullet proof clothing knowing that everybody is packing heat because of the NRA's intense lobbying," LaPierre, wearing his Sunday best Kevlar vest, told the faithful here to intense applause. "But you must reduce the number of murders and save your bullets for when the Queen of England comes knocking on your door."

Second Amendment analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that LaPierre's comments face an uphill battle. "There's an estimated 4.5 million NRA members, and you know some of them are unable to just sleep with their weapons," Joel Jarnestein, a Stanford University constitutional scholar, told TheYellowDailyNews.

Jon Smith, a 29-year-old Georgia hog farmer who traveled here for the annual NRA meeting, told TheYellowDailyNews that he'll try to reduce the number of people he kills each year with his automatic rifle. "It's kinda boring just killing pigs with this thing," Smith said. "And my wives want me to stop bringing it to bed with us."

LaPierre's speech, however, underscored a growing discord in the NRA ranks. Many members suggested that LaPierre was kowtowing to the DC elite, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

"If he's now saying we should stop the killing, then I'm having a hard time understanding the NRA's motto of 'guns don't kill people, people do,'" Mark Jones, an Idaho potato farmer, told TheYellowDailyNews here on the convention floor. "It just doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Who is Wayne LaPierre to tell me how I can use my assault rifles."
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