Monday, November 23, 2015

Suicide Bomber Fantasy Leagues Shuttered Amid Verification Concerns

RIYAD, Saudi Arabia—(TYDN) Suicide bombing fantasy leagues were shut down across the Middle East, Africa, Europe, and the United States after discrepancies emerged on whether the correct jihadists were getting credit for their sacrificial attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The development, which sent shock waves across the global suicide bombing fantasy community, comes amid reports that the Suicide Bomber Fantasy League Commission bungled the Paris attacks' box scores. Two of the three suicide bombers the commission identified in the Paris attacks were misspelled, causing widespread losses for fantasy players, sources familiar with the issue told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

The latest bungle concerns the commission identifying Bilal Hadfii—a low-ranked suicide bombing fantasy player—as one of the Paris suicide bombers who blew up November 13 as part of a string of suicide bombing attacks across the world's most visited city. But as it turns out, the bomber actually was Belgian Bilal Hadfi, a legendary ISIS prospect and suicide bombing fantasy league favorite.

"That Hadfii was given credit and not Hadfi clearly demonstrates the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission's incompetence," Las Vegas Gaming Commission spokesman Gerard Simpstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The scandal was the latest blow to the commission and suicide bombing fantasy following the commission's widespread misreporting last year of the number of dead and injured from suicide bombings.

Suicide bomber Hilal Hadfi poses hours before carrying out a Paris suicide bombing Nov. 13. Photo: TYDN
Suicide bombing fantasy allows players to pick who will be the next suicide bomber to carry out the act as part of the global jihad against the West. Fantasy suicide bombing leagues previously had allowed players to pick the number of innocent people who their favorite suicide bombers would kill or injure. But the commission barred that after TheYellowDailyNews revealed discrepancies concerning the reported number of people actually killed and injured. That debacle would become known as Deadgate.

"When the commission took action after Deadgate, we thought the commission was doing a great of job regulating suicide bombing fantasy and was on the right track," said fantasy historian Blink Montenstein, a Harvard business scholar. "But now the commission's true colors have shown once again."

Orakapuka Mohammad, a spokesman for the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission, said the agency regretted the spelling errors in a scandal dubbed MispellGate.

Many fantasy players were outraged.

"I lost a lot of money. I picked Hadfi on my roster and was pissed that the commission named Hadfii as blowing himself up," Etherian Steinod, a 28-year-old Saudi handyman, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is outrageous."

Other fantasy players profited huge from the scandal.

"I had my roster set on autopick that week and scored big with Hadfii," said Jerome Milkstein, an Alabama computer consultant who regularly plays fantasy suicide bombing. "I quadrupled my money."

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

CIA Marijuana Procurement Mishap Believed Responsible For Paris Attacks

A Paris vigil honoring the 129 dead and hundreds injured during Friday's terror attacks. Photo: Karin Dalziel/TYDN 
WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Central Intelligence Agency's new marijuana-doping program aimed at combating the Islamic State is likely the reason the terror group carried out the Paris attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Several sources within and outside the agency, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews exclusively, said the agency's first test of its anti-ISIS drug program was a failure and backfired.

The sources, who sought anonymity and were granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the CIA secretly distributed to ISIS members thousands of pounds of sativa marijuana, the type of strain that stimulated and energized the terrorists. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box on a form, and should have chosen indica marijuana, the strain that produces a body high and is a relaxant overall, insiders said.

"The going intelligence assessment right now is that our undercover operatives, within the last few weeks, had given away the wrong strain of marijuana throughout Europe, the Middle East and Africa. We regretfully gave ISIS jihadists an excitable high. We had picked up chatter that there was a Paris attacks in the works, and we wanted to head it off but instead we inadvertently stoked it," one well placed, high-ranking CIA agent with direct knowledge of the issue told TheYellowDailyNews.

"We're afraid Congress is going to have hearings questioning our ability to correctly check boxes on procurement forms," the source added.

The procurement mishap, if true, would be the biggest in more than three decades. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box sometime in the early 1980s, resulting in the agency funneling cocaine to Latin American revolutionaries. The procurement officer was supposed to have gotten office supplies like paperclips, notepads, pens, and pencils for its British offices.

ISIS claimed responsibility for a string of Friday attacks in Paris, which included suicide bombings and opening gunfire on innocent people. At least 129 were killed. Scores of others were injured.

White House sources told TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday that President Barack Obama had personally apologized to Francios Hollande, the French president. The 5-minute telephone call from Obama was described as "cordial" by a well-placed administration official who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The CIA, meanwhile, declined to identify the procurement officer at the center of the marijuana debacle. Sources, however, told TheYellowDailyNews that the male officer had been with the agency 14 years and was suspended with pay for 18 months pending the outcome of an investigation.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Public Loses GOP Debate

MILWAUKEE—(TYDN) The runaway loser of the fourth Republican presidential debate here Tuesday night was the public, according to commentators, journalists and pundits who watched the political theater, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The candidates were disingenuous, didn't have a clue what they were talking about, and frankly were ugly as hell, too," ABC News political pundit Jason Aaronsein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Could you imagine any of them ruling the free world. But it just might happen."

It was the fourth GOP debate this election season in which commentators, journalists and pundits declared the public the loser.

According to an exclusive TheYellowDailyNews poll, about 99 percent of likely GOP voters said they would refrain from voting and instead were planning on moving to Canada, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The TheYellowDailyNews' survey contacted 10,000 registered GOP voters by telephone, and had an error of margin of plus or minus 0 percentage points.

Porn Aficionados Say iPad Pro Is Greatest Tablet Ever

HOLLYWOOD—(TYDN) Porn lovers said Apple's newest and biggest iPad that debuted Wednesday offers the best experience to view their videos, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"I mean, have you seen Scene 5 in 'Buttmasters 99' on that 12.9-inch screen?" Chester Molenstein, a 50-year-old California porn lover for several years, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.  "This device, it's an absolute beast."
iPad Pro offered in 3 colors

Apple said it's latest porn-viewing tablet provides as much real estate as two iPad minis. "iPad pro, which offers more pixels than any iPad we've ever offered, is a magical device Apple envisioned with the porn connoisseur in mind," Jonathan Ive, the technology concern's chief design officer, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.  "The four speakers bring sound to life like never before, too, and orient themselves to however the porn viewer has positioned iPad Pro."

The newest iPad's split-view mode, according to dozens of interviews conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, was among the top features the porn crowd had been hotly anticipating.

"Are you kidding me? Now it's possible to watch two videos at once, on a gorgeous screen, and in one hand," Ely Schmuckstein, a 39-year-old Chicago insurance broker, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

But the device isn't without its porn-loving naysayers. 

Many pornography enthusiasts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that it's difficult to hold the 1.57-pound porn viewer with one hand for a prolonged period of time.

"The screen is gorgeous and all, but I'm finding myself having to watch shorter videos because my hand and arms simply tire much faster than they did with my smaller Apple porn viewer," Dexter Cronstein, a 47-year-old single construction worker in Denver, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What the hell was Apple thinking?"