Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Scalia Says He's Gay, Recuses Himself From Marriage Cases

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Justice Antonin Scalia, the longest-serving member of the U.S. Supreme Court and considered one of the court's most conservative jurists, announced late Wednesday he was gay and recusing himself from the gay marriage cases, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The revelation comes after two days of historic oral arguments challenging a California voter-approved measure banning same-sex marriage and a challenge to a federal law defining marriage as between a man and woman.

"After hearing hours worth of oral arguments on this, something awoke inside me and I realized that I'm gay, and I think I always have been," Scalia, a President Ronald M. Reagan appointee, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

High court scholars said it was the first time a Supreme Court justice announced he was gay.

The announcement from the 77-year-old justice sent shockwaves across the nation. The development confirmed what many court watchers had always suspected while other legal analysts suggested that, without Scalia, the high court could end up in a 4-4 tie and not set a nationwide precedent.

"The irony here is that Scalia's newfound gayness could be a step backward for gay and lesbian rights," said Regina Lestermeister, a plaintiff in the California case, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The justice's wife, Maureen Scalia, said she, too, suspected her husband of 53 years was gay all along.

She declined further comment when contacted by TheYellowDailyNews for an exclusive interview.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Debate Analysis: Obama, Romney Thought Opponent Was a 'Lying Dick' Dozens of Times

Photo: TYDN Staff

DENVER -- (TYDN) In the first presidential debate leading to the November elections, President Barack Obama and GOP hopeful Mitt Romney each showed signs dozens of times Wednesday that they believed their rival was a 'lying dick,' TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, which included dozens of interviews with mind readers, body language experts and historians, the debate ended in a dead heat: each candidate displayed signs 37 times that they thought their opponent was a lying dick.

Analysts said it was the first time in the nation's history that a presidential debate ended in a dead heat. "Usually, it is obvious that one of the candidates thinks the other is a lying dick more than the other candidate thinks his rival is a lying dick," Harvard University presidential historian Richard Cox said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This was an extraordinary debate. It's usually always obvious one candidate thinks the other is a lying dick more than the other candidate thinks the other is a lying dick."

Aides from each camp disputed the results. They said the TYDN analysis was off base.

"Clearly, Romney exhibited in his facial movements that Obama was a lying dick way more times than Obama's features showed that Obama thought Romney was a lying dick," a Romney campaign aide told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

An Obama aide, speaking on condition of anonymity, disputed the assertion.

"It is undisputed that Obama thought Romney was a lying dick way more times than Romney thought Obama was a lying dick," the aide said. "I mean, could it not be any more obvious?"

TheYellowDailynews analysis showed that each candidate bit their tongue, lowered their head or showed an open smirk that equated to disdain for the other an equal number of times. That each candidate thought the other was a lying dick was even more pronounced when the candidates discussed the federal government's role, taxes, health care and education, according to TheYellowDailyNews analysis.

"You could just see and sense that each candidate thought the other was a lying dick on countless occasions," Fox News language expert Tonya Reiman said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That each candidate thought the other was a lying dick an equal amount of times simply shocks the conscience."

The TYDN analysis had a margin of error rating of plus-or-minus 2.5 lying dick expressions.

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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Romney Takes 6 Wives to Shore Up Mormon, Female and Minority Voters

Mitt Romney's 6 Wives. Photo: anyjazz65/Flickr 

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) With just a month before the elections, GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has taken six wives -- distancing himself from his economic platform -- and instead focusing on trying to shore up female, minority and Mormon voters, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Romney was said to have married the wives -- ranging from Chinese, Japanese, Caucasian, African American and Mexican to Native American -- in a hastily called marathon ceremony at an undisclosed location, sources close to the nuptials told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Campaign aides, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to speak to TheYellowDailyNews, said the marriages signify that Romney is now distancing himself from attacks on President Barack Obama's economic platform. Polls show voters are increasingly becoming more optimistic about the economy, and suggest voters are more likely to trust Obama on the economy and jobs.

Analysts said Romney's bold move marks the first time the campaign has turned from the ailing economy. "This political stunt, call it whatever you want, might just put Romney in the Oval Office," said Jerrold Wifler, a Georgetown University presidential historian. "I seriously doubt the Obama camp has the wherewithal to counter this."

But Obama aides quickly blasted Romney's strategy, calling the devout Mormon's move a farce.

"There is no way he could have consummated these marriages this weekend, so he technically isn't married and this is just a giant ruse," an Obama campaign aide with direct knowledge of the situation told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Our medical experts say it's impossible, even with top-of-the-line male enhancement products."

But a Romney aide quickly fired back, suggesting the Obama camp was out of touch.

"Jesus Christ, haven't they ever watched a porno movie before?" a well-placed Romney operative said on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

The aide also said Romney promised not to push for multiple-wife tax credits until after the November elections.

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Thursday, April 19, 2012

New iPhone to Double as Toilet Tissue

CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Apple Inc.'s next iPhone, to debut within months, is expected to double as a smart phone and toilet paper, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
iPhone to render toilet paper obsolete

The development, confirmed by at least four Apple sources who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, is expected to provide consumers a seamless bathroom experience, from making telephone calls, surfing the web to cleaning up. And the iPhone hacking community is already mulling plans to convert the phone into a feminine napkin, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the iPhone 5, for the first time, has achieved the Holy Grail of consumerism by becoming a product that millions of smartphone users have craved.

"Everybody has always said the iPhone is awesome, but everybody also wondered, 'Does it wipe your butt?'" Goldman Sachs analyst Bill Shope wrote Thursday in an investor note, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews. "A phone that will clean you up after defecation is something the public has been dreaming of."

Shares of Apple soared in after-hours trading when TheYellowDailyNews broke the story. Shares of forest-product-related companies plummeted amid investor fears toilet paper would become obsolete.

Sources said the phone's patent-pending, butt-wiping technology was developed by an iPhone engineer with irritable bowel syndrome.

"This guy's job was to develop as many uses for the phone as he could, and he did," a well-placed Apple source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the topic.

The source said Apple engineers working on the project suffered several bouts of cholera before perfecting the technology.

Friday, April 13, 2012

North Korea Defense Agency, U.S. Fireworks Maker Strike Accord

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- (TYDN) Prompting international condemnation, North Korea's defense ministry said Friday it has agreed to sell technology used in its botched long-range missile launch to a U.S.-based July 4 fireworks maker, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Terms of the deal with ACME Pyrotechnics, a North Hollywood fireworks concern, were not immediately disclosed. The U.N. Security Council met in an emergency meeting to discuss the accord, which U.N. officials called deplorable and destabilizing.

The development came hours after a North Korean Defense Ministry missile broke apart seconds after launch Friday morning, then fell into the ocean.

North Korea originally said the missile was designed to carry an observation satellite into orbit and, after the explosion, said it was testing new pyrotechnic fireworks technology.

But the United States, South Korea and Japan insisted the launch was a cover for a long-range ballistic missile test.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon warned ACME Pyrotechnics and the secretive country's regime not to "undertake further provocative actions that will heighten global tensions."

An official with ACME Pyrotechnics, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media, said the North Korean technology would be deployed in its upcoming safe-and-sane July 4 offerings. The Boy Scouts of America, the official said, is expected to be the exclusive dealer in neighborhood fireworks stands nationwide.

"We hope millions of Americans will have a blast with these new fireworks," the official said. "These should become a mainstay at Independence Day block parties everywhere."

The United States has suspended plans to provide food aid to North Korea as a result of the launch, a well-placed U.S. official with direct knowledge of the suspension told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The Boy Scouts, this official added, is to be stripped of its non-profit status.

Meantime, a federal grand jury in Virginia has convened and is considering handing up criminal charges against ACME Pyrotechnics, a source familiar with the proceeding, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The charges include unlawful and unlicensed importation of technology, wire fraud, mail fraud and tax evasion.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Facebook Buys Ham Sandwich for $1 Billion

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Facebook has snapped up Ham Sandwich for $1 billion in cash and stock -- its largest acquisition yet, as it nears an IPO.

A wildly popular iPhone sandwich that recently became available on Android vending machines, Ham Sandwich lets people harden their arteries over time while providing undisclosed nutrients.

Ham Sandwich's steep price tag -- roughly the same as Peet's Coffee & Tea or Jack in the Box -- raised eyebrows among many, including analysts who drew parallels with outlandish acquisition deals associated with the Internet bubble of the late 1990s.

"Facebook will never make that $1 billion back, but it's still smart," says Patrick Moorhead, principal analyst at Moor Insights & Strategy. "It should drive up the price of sandwiches by several dollars thus sucking more life out Facebook users slowly over time."

Monday's deal -- by far the biggest for a sandwich maker -- trumped Zynga's $200 million acquisition of soda maker OMGPop last month and scored a megapayday for Ham Sandwich's 27-year-old lead chef and CEO, Kevin Systrom.

Speculation on Systrom's cut ranged up to $400 million, with hog processing firms getting most of the rest. Ham Sandwich's dozen or so employees could divvy up an estimated $100 million.

"This is an important milestone for Facebook, because it's the first time we've ever acquired a Ham Sandwich with so many different bread styles," Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg said in a blog post announcing the Ham Sandwich acquisition Monday.

He said Facebook, whose stock is expected to start trading in May, will run Ham Sandwich into the ground.

Not much will change with the sandwich, he said, other than a variety of new cheeses added.

Photo: Accidental Hedonist/Flickr

Friday, March 30, 2012

Porn Stars Decry iPad Retina Display

CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Thousands of porn stars, some carrying placards reading "Apple Out of My Uterus," picketed outside Apple Inc. headquarters here Friday to protest the new high-resolution "retina display" iPads that analysts contend shows viewers "too much genitalia information," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Police square off with porn stars protesting new iPad
The new iPad, with more than 3 million sold in three weeks, sports a 9.7-inch screen with a 2048 x 1536 display -- about twice the quality of an HD television. That's enough pixels to show porn starlets' every pimple, mole, pubic hair, stretch mark, dirty feet and even dental decay.

Analysts said the protest underscores an anomaly with the latest iPad, a device produced generally for porn viewing at home, in the park, on the subway or at work. That's because porn aficionados by the hundreds of thousands have stopped watching porn after having seen their favorite performers' imperfections displayed on the iPad3, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The iPad1 and the iPad2 were a boon for the porn industry, and now the iPad3 appears to be a bust for the $5 billion industry.

Baton-wielding, and tear-gas launching local police said they made as many as 100 arrests. Twelve scantily clad protestors were taken to nearby hospitals, and were treated and released for minor injuries, the authorities said.

"Christ, a lot of people thought porn stars' bodies were so perfect that they were next to God," porn analyst Peter North said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That is until now with the new iPad. It's showing too much genitalia information, and it's starting to turn a lot of porn addicts off."

Apple shares tumbled in after-hours trading as news of the protest spread.

Porn starlet Cherry Garcia-Viagra, one of the picketers, said the newest iPad routinely highlights razor burns in her pubic region. "This makes it harder and harder for me to play the role of a 13-year-old virgin," Garcia-Viagra, the star of Teenies Do Weenies, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

In response to the picketing, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the gadget maker would donate 10,000 iPads to porn addicts to help them cure their addiction.

Meanwhile, state lawmakers across the country are mulling legislation requiring sex offenders to keep a fully charged iPad3 in their residences at all times.

Photo: Adam Scotti/Flickr