Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Pulitzer committee adds “aggregation” category to journalism prize

NEW YORK —(TYDN) The committee that annually doles out the coveted Pulitzer Prizes added a new category—aggregation—to the list of topics underneath the coveted journalism award umbrella, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Pulitzer Prize Board—consisting of editors, reporters, novelists, writers, artists, and professors—said late Wednesday the new category was necessary because much of the journalism being produced in the Digital Age is aggregated by machines and humans.

"The industry has become an aggregated mishmash of news slop, with everybody regurgitating the next guy, so much so that we would be out of step with the times had we not added this new category," Pulitzer Prize Board member Joanne Blaustein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The move, heralded by the media industry which for years had been pushing for the new category, comes days after a special report by TheYellowDailyNews found that the bulk of news stories the media published was first written by a 16-year-old Rhode Island high school junior who had an uncanny pulse on everything from politics, general news, entertainment, business and opinion.

The Pulitzer Prize Board also said it would bolster the number of prizes doled out to entertainment reporting and entertainment photography, and would discontinue the Pulitzer Prizes for investigative reporting and explanatory journalism.

"What would you rather see online, a bunch of long stories you can barely get through about some lame water crisis in Flint, Michigan, or hot bikini photos of the latest drug-addled celebrity hottie?" asked Johhnny Yellstein, a Pulitzer Prize Board member, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I mean, who cares about some starving people at war in some place you’ve never heard of or will ever go when there's hot movie chicks in bikinis to slobber over."

Pulitzer Board Member Alfonso Goolstein was the sole member of the 18-member committee to vote against the changeover. He resigned after suggesting, instead, that a Pulitzer Prize be doled out to excellence in reporting on world hunger.

Goolstein, eating caviar and drinking Dom Perignon champagne in his Manhattan penthouse, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview he was shocked that he was forced to resign from the Pulitzer Prize Board. "I was just trying to stick up for the hungry and oppressed," he said as he ordered his butler to bring another round of drinks.

Meanwhile, a Pulitzer Prize Board spokeswoman, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity, said the committee has received 9,789,452 nominations for the new Pulitzer Prize in aggregation reporting.

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Monday, March 7, 2016

Seized iPhone contains clues on how to defeat Monty Python's attack bunny

SAN BERNARDINO—(TYDN) The iPhone used by one of the San Bernardino terrorist shooters in December contains clues to how US terror fighters can defeat the attack bunny first disclosed in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Because the iPhone may contain evidence about the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, the San Bernardino District Attorney, Michael Ramos, is demanding that Apple assist the authorities to defeat the iPhone's passcode lock to enable the authorities to employ brute force tactics and unlock the phone.

"That there are clues that could help us stamp out this attack rabbit, and Apple is sitting idly by, shows that the gadget maker doesn't care about terrorism and instead is abiding by some misplaced marketing strategy," Ramos said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "In addition, there is a lying-dormant cyber pathogen on that phone Sayed Farook owned. He and his wife killed 14 people, and injured scores of others, and Apple doesn't care."

Apple said in a statement that assisting the authorities would weaken its encryption security feature on its coveted iPhones. What's more, the Cupertino, Calif.-based company said the district attorney is exaggerating the threat posed by the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, which Python first disclosed in 1974.

"We believe the district attorney's is grossly inflating the staying power of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog," the company's statement said. "We already told the DA on how he could defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, but he won't listen. We said all he needs is a shotgun."

A hearing on whether Apple must help defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbanog is scheduled for March 22 in a Southern California federal court.

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Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Stocks rally after oil refinery explodes, kills hundreds

TYDN Photo: Pat Joyce
BATON ROUGE, La.—(TYDN) Stocks jumped higher Tuesday, bolstered by an upswing in crude prices, after the nation’s largest oil refinery by daily output exploded, killing hundreds of workers and nearby residents, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Oil traders celebrating explosion. TYDN Photo: thetaxhaven
Analysts said the explosion came at a perfect time. Crude prices have been hovering at modern, all-time lows as the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries continues to rebuff demands to ease output, which would lift prices. With the explosion, 500,000 barrels of oil per day are now out of circulation—prompting an immediate 8 percent spike in crude prices in the disaster’s aftermath.

“Given OPEC’s resistance to production cuts, continued accidents in refineries are our only immediate hope of increasing prices and lifting our portfolio values,” Smith-Barney analyst Blake Jorgstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The market is really fortunate that this explosion came when it did.”

Investigators have not said what sparked the blast here at the ExxonMobil-owned Baton Rouge Refinery. A thick black plume of soot and smoke could be seen miles away from the disaster.

Shares of ExxonMobil, listed on the New York Stock Exchange, rallied 6 percent and were moving higher in after-hours trading.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

US to Bar Trump's US Return From Israel Meeting with Netanyahu

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The President Barack Obama administration said Wednesday it would bar presidential GOP candidate Donald Trump from re-entering the United States after his planned meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Jerusalem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources told TheYellowDailyNews that blocking Trump's return after his Dec. 28 meeting is a major part of Obama's plan to protect America's shores from terrorists.

"Trump is a powder keg waiting to explode," a well-placed administration official, requesting anonymity because he had not been authorized to disclose Obama's terror strategy, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Let him blow up somewhere else."

Trump campaigns in Des Moines, Iowa. Photo: iprimages/TYDN
The Israeli leader frequently meets with both Republican and Democratic members of Congress. An Israeli official, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss the prime minister's schedule, told TheYellowDailyNews that Netanyahu "will meet with any candidate from any party who will be arriving in Israel and request a meeting."

Support for Israel, and for Netanyahu in particular, is a given among Republican presidential candidates.

Netanyahu said late Wednesday that he would go ahead with the Trump meeting, though he tweeted that he "rejects Donald Trump's latest comments about Muslims."

Trump said this week he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on."

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