Thursday, September 18, 2014

Rumored Tech "Project" Rumored To Be A Rumor

SAN JOSE, Calif.—(TYDN) A tech company's rumored far-reaching "project" is rumored not to exist anymore, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The alleged project's existence first began making its way across the Web a few months ago. But new rumors surfaced Thursday suggesting the original rumors were rumors.

The bungling rumored tech company is rumored to be located below in Silicon Valley. Photo: Peter Thoeny/TYDN
The revaluation that the rumor was just a rumor spun heads from Silicon Valley to Wall Street. And the latest rumors poked a needle through a nation that was sitting in anticipation of this rumored tech company's rumored project, according to several sources familiar with the newest rumor who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

Analysts, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews, suggested Thursday's rumors were a blow to the rumored tech company. These analysts suggested the rumored company cannot innovate or even stay on track of its rumored business plan it was rumored to have shown a rumored venture capital firm.

"The rumor mill on this rumored tech company is only gonna get louder with this new rumor," said Mary Stockstein, a Smith Barney market analyst. "At least that's according to the latest rumors."

Jay Johns, the rumored spokesman for the rumored tech company, did not immediately return a call from TheYellowDailyNews seeking comment on the rumored project's rumored demise.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

At 0-2, Oakland Raiders Fans Already Looking to Next Season

OAKLAND, Calif.—(TYDN) Fans of the Oakland Raiders said Wednesday they are anxious for this terrible season to end and are already gloating that next season will be "their year," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Fans, called the Raider Nation, gave up on the Raiders earlier than usual this season, just after the second game. That's because, in the words of Raiders defensive back Charles Woodson, the Raiders "suck." Usually, the Raider Nation pulls the plug at around game 6 or 7 and then begins glorifying the next season.

Raiders fans in the "Back Hole" are anxious to get the season over with. Photo: Julie, Dave & Family/TYDN
Coach Dennis Allen was delighted that so many fans were feeling so good about next year.

"It's definitely going to be their year," Allen said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We have lofty expectations for the team next season."

The last time the team made the playoffs was 2002. The last time they won a Super Bowl was in 1983, when they were in Los Angeles.

Fans said the team needs some minor tinkering to be a Super Bowl contender next season.

"All they need is a new coaching staff, an ownership change, a quarterback, an offensive line, some running backs and a defense,"  Black Hole season ticket holder Miles Miltstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.  "I'm so stoked for next season."

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Obama Blasts Newest Terrorist Group for Having Too Many Names

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) President Barack Obama chided Tuesday the militants from Syria who have just taken over parts of Iraq, saying they have breached international war rules by not settling on a single name, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the modern-day confusion over identifying the country's terror enemies first began in 2001. That's when there was, and still is, no consensus on whether Al-Qaeda, Al-qaeda, Al Qaeda, Al qaeda, Al-Qaida, Al Qaida, al-Qaida or al Qaida carried out the 9/11 attacks on behalf of Usama Bin Laden or Osama Bin Laden.

"This is another reason why we need to take down this terror group. Is it ISIS, ISIL, Islamic State or something else," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is an unacceptable breach of international war norms."

Military strategists said the President Barack Obama administration should work toward a unified vision on how the country's latest enemy should be named.

"Once you get the public to agree on who your enemy is, it's a much easier public sale to wage war," Yale University war historian Angela Brewstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "The public doesn't usually need to know more than the fact that there is a consensus on what to call your enemy."

The militants often call themselves the Islamic State. The Obama administration labels them ISIL and many news organizations call them ISIS.

The acronyms stand for Islamic State in Iraq and for one other disputed word called "al-Sham." The word can be translated to "Syria" — meaning the group is called ISIS. However,  The term "al-Sham" can also reference a region encompassing Syria, Lebanon, Turkey and Jordan known as Greater Syria or the "Levant"—meaning the acronym is ISIL.

TheYellowDailyNews' editorial policy is ISIS, according to an editorial board memo from TheYellowDailyNews that was obtained by TheYellowDailyNews.

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Monday, September 15, 2014

NFL Urges Players Not To Get Caught Abusing Family Members

CANTON, Ohio—(TYDN) The NFL issued an emergency communiqué to players and coaches Monday, cautioning them not to get caught abusing members of their family, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The communication also recommends to players that, if they do abuse family members, they shouldn't text-message about it and they should make sure that the abuse isn't being recorded by surveillance cameras, according to the memo, signed by Commissioner Roger Goodell and obtained by TheYellowDailyNews.

The development comes amid a world-wind of events that rocked the NFL last week. First, a video surfaced showing running back Ray Rice punching his wife. Then on Friday, the Minnesota Vikings benched running back Adrian Peterson, indicted for allegedly beating his 4-year-old son with a branch and then sending text messages about it.

Before the Rice tape became public, the NFL suspended Rice for two games for the beating of the woman who would later marry him. But once a tape of his punch leaked online, the NFL permanently barred the Baltimore Ravens star from the NFL.

"These recent events should be a reminder that the NFL has a zero-tolerance policy if you get caught on tape punching, slapping, backhanding, molesting, and/or hitting a family member with a branch," Goodell's one-page memo said.

A police report obtained by Houston radio station KILT said Peterson admitted that he did "whoop" his 4-year-old son with a switch, even hitting the boy's scrotum. According to the report:
Peterson also allegedly said via text message to the child’s mother that he "felt bad after the fact when I notice the switch was wrapping around hitting I (sic) thigh” and also acknowledged the injury to the child’s scrotum in a text message, saying, "Got him in nuts once I noticed. But I felt so bad, n I’m all tearing that butt up when needed! I start putting them in timeout. N save the whooping for needed memories!" In further text messages, Peterson allegedly said, "Never do I go overboard! But all my kids will know, hey daddy has the biggie heart but don’t play no games when it comes to acting right."
In a statement, the NFL told TheYellowDailyNews that it was mulling whether Peterson should be suspended or barred from the league.

"It is absolutely unacceptable," the NFL statement said, "to send text messages about whacking your son in the scrotum with a branch."

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