Monday, July 28, 2014

Tour de France Winner Stripped of Yellow Jersey After Clean Drug Test

PARIS — (TYDN) Vincenzo Nibali, the first Italian to win the Tour de France in 16 years, was stripped of his yellow jersey here Sunday after his blood tested negative for drugs, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The clean drug test from the 29-year-old Italian certified tour officials' suspicions that Nibali was not a dirty rider. Despite wearing yellow for 19 of 21 stages, the tour stripped the Astana rider of the winner's jersey for violating its doping policy.

Vincenzo Nibali, moments before being stripped of yellow jersey. Photo: Ciclismo Italia
Tour director Christian Prudhomme announced that Nibali, who won stages on the Vosages, the Alps and the Pyrenees, was in breach of tour drug rules. The announcement turned the festivities following the final stage procession on the Champs Elysees from jubilation to exasperation.

"Nibali has disgraced this tour with a clean blood test," Prudhomme said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Every racer knows our drug policy and must follow it."

The Italian, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he would challenge the findings.

"I would never let down my family, fellow team Astana riders or my country," said an outraged Nibali, who added that he was "shocked" by the drug test results. "I have been following the new drug policy, to a letter, following its adoption last year."

"Somebody must have switched my sample with a clean one," Nibali charged. "My climb at the Pyrenees speaks for itself."

Tour officials changed its zero-tolerance policy in 2013 to avoid a another embarrassment like the one in which Lance Armstrong was stripped of seven Tour De France titles after testing positive for taking performance-enhancing drugs.

That year, Armstrong told Le Monde that it was "Impossible to win without doping because the tour is an endurance event where oxygen is decisive."

Prudhomme said Nibali's blood sample has been locked in a safe and is being transported to the United States, where it will be analyzed again by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency.  Results are expected as early as next week.

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Friday, July 25, 2014

Arizona to Review Execution Procedures Following Botched Last Meal

PHOENIX — (TYDN) Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer ordered a review of the state's lethal-injection procedures Friday after a condemned murderer's last meal did not include the French fries he requested, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The debacle is certain to set off more public debate over the death penalty and lead to new court battles. The Supreme Court has never ruled that executions are unconstitutional forms of cruel and unusual punishment. But "French fry-gate" might be enough to grab the high court's attention, analysts said in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews.

Inmate Joseph R. Wood III was executed by lethal injection in Florence, Ariz. on Wednesday during a procedure that took nearly two hours. The execution was marked with repeated bursts from the condemned man complaining that prison officials forgot to give him his McDonald's fries to go along with his final meal of a Big Mac and chocolate shake.

It was the third time this year that a lethal injection proceeded despite a final-meal mishap.

"It's more evidence that the death penalty has become an embarrassing, barbaric spectacle," the American Civil Liberties Union said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "How much longer will the public tolerate this barbaric treatment? Wood expressly requested French fries and he didn't get them."

Meanwhile, thousands of death penalty opponents picketed outside the McDonald's in Florence, where the execution was carried out, following a Thursday report in TheYellowDailyNews revealing that a worker at the fast-food chain had forgotten to include the fries in the condemned man's order.

In response, McDonald's fired the employee it refused to identify. In a statement exclusive to TheYellowDailyNews, the Oak Brook, IL., chain decried the employee's performance as "incompetent and reprehensible."

There are more than 3,000 condemned men and women on the nation's death rows.

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Apple Cancels Transgender Siri Voice Option in Upcoming iOS 8

CUPERTINO, Calif. — (TYDN) Apple is removing the transgender Siri voice option from its upcoming iOS 8 operating system for iPhones and iPads, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TYDN File Photo
Analysts suggested the move to scrap the transgender Siri voice option was to avoid the likes of another iPhone 4 Antennagate or an iOS maps bungle.

Thursday's decision by Apple's chief executive Tim Cook follows complaints from beta testers that Siri's transgender voice was missing the mark. Many testers of the new operating system, due out this fall, said the transgender Siri voice-assistant sounded "too transgender" while others said it "wasn't transgender enough."

"We simply couldn't decide over whether a transgender Siri should be more male or female sounding," Cook said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "There was simply no middle ground."

The move is a let down for many Apple enthusiasts, leaving just the "male" and "female" Siri voice options.

It's not the first time Siri, which speaks dozens of languages, has come under fire.

The Central Intelligence Agency, fearing a wave of iPhone-assisted terror plots, pressured Apple to disable the Siri voice-assistant from speaking Persian in 2012.

The CIA's intelligence assessment, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, concluded that Siri was being used by Taliban and other Middle Eastern terrorists to automatically remind them to commit jihad while also providing them directions to terrorism sites.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Sober 20 Years, Relapsed Drunkard "Absolutely Shocked" at Beer Prices

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — (TYDN) A local man who fell off the wagon Wednesday said he was coping with his first hangover in two decades and also suffering from sticker shock concerning the inflated price of booze, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Thomas Jonsing is floored by beer prices. Photo: FlackJacket2010
Thomas Jonsing, a 57-year-old cabinet maker divorced three times, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that he couldn't believe the local Pioneer Club Bar & Grill was charging $5 a draft.

"For months, I've been going back and forth on whether to get started again. It's been 20 years. I hit the Pioneer Club, my old stomping grounds, and was absolutely shocked at how much beer was," Jonsing said in a telephone interview. "I mean, $5 a pop! I almost decided to stay sober. But I didn't."

It was the first time a relapsed alcoholic voiced concern about the price of alcohol, analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

"Usually, they just dive in head first, irrespective of the cost," Smith Barney analyst Joshua Bornstenlerian said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jonsing said he rang up a "substantial" tab at the Pioneer Club. So, in search of cheaper booze, he decided to hit the local liquor store, where for the first time he took a trip down the beer isle in decades.

"Light beer!" he exclaimed. "What the hell is that?"

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