Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Out of Gas, GM Converts into Church

by Dalorean Pantswochitz, TYDN Auto Affairs Writer
DETROIT -- (TYDN) Running out of gas, General Motors Corp. is converting to the church to take advantage of the tax-exempt status enjoyed by U.S.-based religious institutions, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The revelation, to be announced perhaps as early as Thursday, came a day after the financing arm of General Motors converted into a bank holding company as part of a $5 billion deal that will let the lender borrow money at low rates from the Federal Reserve. Analysts said the two-pronged reorganization is certain to spark a nationwide economic recovery by supplying cheap public financing for GM's luxury Hummer brand.

Shares of the world's largest automaker surged 6 percent in after hours trading as Pope Benedict XVI announced GM would become the Vatican's official supplier of Pope Mobiles. Industry analysts said the deal underscores the Detroit automaker's commitment to expand its global reach.

GM's changeover came as the world's largest automaker was to run out of cash within weeks and perhaps be forced to declare bankruptcy. It also comes as the Treasury was preparing to provide GM and Chrysler each with an additional $4 billion lifeline in the first part of a bailout plan for the car companies facing insolvency.

Amid the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, analysts said GM's embrace of the church would create a surge in demand for steel, coal, oil, refined gas, plastics and other goods and services associated with a renewed demand for humuongous passenger vehicles like the Hummer that get less than 10 miles per gallon. The plan, which requires its labor force to reduce its wages by 50 percent and give up retirement and health benefits, is part of GM's new, zero-percent customer financing for its larger models -- all in a bid to jumpstart sales and, in the process, the economy.

The nation's other two automakers might not be that far behind.

Cerberus Capital Management, the private equity firm that owns Chrysler, was said to be mulling whether to convert into a tax-exempt religious organization, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. Ford, the nation's No. 3 automaker, said it has enough cash on hand to withstand an immediate conversion.

But U.S. intelligence officials said privately they were monitoring the conversion situation closely and expressed alarm that Chrysler and Ford may embrace Islam as their salvation. "If those two go, GM is likely to follow," an intelligence official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Economics scholars applauded the U.S. government's auto-industry monetary policy as being necessary to keep Western-style capitalism in check. The scholars also lauded both the government's openness in the bailout and its lack of complexity.

Under the deal, the Treasury will buy $5 billion worth of preferred equity shares in GMAC, which used to be the financing subsidiary of GM and is now owned jointly by GM and Cerberus Capital Management. In addition, the Treasury said it would lend GM $1 billion so that it could purchase additional equity offered by its lending arm, GMAC.

Both GM and Chrysler need immediate cash to keep their operations running while they overhaul their businesses. The automakers have been spending billions from their cash reserves in order to stay afloat in what is the worst vehicle market in the United States in 25 years.

GM is scheduled to get $4 billion initially, and a second loan of $5.4 billion in mid- to late January. The company could also get an additional $4 billion in February or March if Congress approved a larger loan package as part of the Treasuryâ..s overall plan for financial institutions.

For GMAC to meet the Federal Reserveâ..s requirements to become a banking holding company, it needs to convert 75 percent of its $38 billion in debt into stock.

Photo: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Sunday, December 28, 2008

U.S. Regulating Santa Suits to Combat Terrorism

Kristofer Wrinkeladge, TYDN Reporter at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration is to begin regulating Santa Claus suits in the aftermath of a Christmas Eve massacre in what security experts acknowledge was the worst act of Santa Clausian terror on U.S. soil in recent memory, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

U.S. security sources said the new regulations are in response to Wednesday's latest incident when Santa Claus shot up and burned a house in a normally tranquil Los Angeles suburb, killing nine and injuring scores of others, officials told TheYellowDailyNews on Sunday.


Department of Homeland Security chief, Michael Chertoff, is expected to make the announcement as early as Monday in what counter-terrorism officials said was the United States' boldest foray into combating domestic terrorism since the Sept. 11, 2001 World Trade Center attacks.

"This is expected to save perhaps tens of thousands of lives, perhaps even more lives than the ban on bringing shampoo and toothpaste onto domestic flights," one well-placed counter-terror official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The Santa Claus suit seems to be the disguise of choice for a new breed of domestic terrorists."

Critics immediately decried the regulations, which only target newly purchased Santa Claus outfits and grant amnesty to the tens of thousands of Santa Claus suits already in the country. Others questioned whether the government had enough resources to search U.S. borders and ports of call, where millions of other Santa suits are said to be in hiding.

"What this double-standard means is that, when you see Santa Claus, you don't know whether that's a domestic terrorist or just a jolly good guy underneath," said Jalen Jackstian, executive director for the Center for Santa Clausian Studies. "This is a time bomb ticking."

U.S. security officials have suspected for decades that terrorists might hide behind Santa Claus outfits, especially during the Christmas season, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. After decades of study, U.S. intelligence sources became increasingly suspicious when the suspected Santa Claus terrorists would show themselves solely during Christmas, when America has its guard down.

"After Christmas, they just vanished like cockroaches when the lights are turned on," the intelligence source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Many Americans suspected the Bush administration was complicit in the latest Santa Claus terror attack.

"I've seen these Santa Claus terrorists casing shopping malls and airports every year around Christmas and I always thought that was kind of weird," said one mall shopper, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

Sheila Shehman, editor of Psychology Today, said the magazine was rushing into publication what she described as a "how-to article on discussing with your children the modern-day fact that Santa might be a terrorist -- a jolly fellow plotting destruction."

Photo: bovinmagnet

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

U.S. Rejects Food Bank Bailout

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration rejected on Wednesday a proposed $10 billion U.S. food bank bailout amid the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush, in a Christmas Eve address here in the Rose Garden, said the nation's food banks' loose policies of giving away food free was at the heart of the banking scandal that lead to the economy's collapse.


"What kind of business model is that, where these banks give away products and services and know they are not going to be repaid or can't be repaid?" Bush asked. "It just does not make any sense. That their cupboards are bare is their own fault."

Possible indictments were underway against faith-based groups which have been performing the legally questionable practice of doling out free food for decades, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"By refusing this $10 billion food banking bailout, we are protecting the 40 million impoverished men, women and children in this country from the predatory practices of the food bank industry," Bush said.

Administration officials said privately that a bailout would amount to the lavish enrichment of food banking executives with taxpayer dollars.

"We've heard reports where food bank leaders have actually sat down and eaten Thanksgiving meals with the downtrodden they're feeding," said one Securities and Exchange Commission official, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The U.S. taxpayer should not be saddled with providing this free gravy train to these greedy food banking executives."

Another SEC official said privately that a wide-ranging food bank investigation has uncovered evidence that some food banks were allowing their patrons to sleep on the premises for free. "Everywhere we look, we are finding food bank abuses," the official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The SEC is expected to report its findings by 2012.

Sources told TheYellowDailyNews that the investigation is expected to lob blame on liberals in government as well.

"They pushed for these banks to give away food to minorities and the under-privileged, and they knew it would never be paid back," the SEC official told TheYellowDailyNews. "This was a powder keg for the economy waiting to blow up, and it did."

Photo: a tree is nice

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Possible Third Shoe in Journalist Attack on Bush

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) U.S. intelligence agencies are probing whether a possible third shoe was involved in the shoe throwing incident last week when an angry journalist hurtled his shoes toward President Bush, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he easily outmaneuvered the incoming shoes that many experts said were traveling as fast as 35 mph. "I've been ducking questions at news conferences for years," Bush said.

At least nine U.S. intelligence sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the government was investigating whether a third, so-called "magic shoe" whizzed by Bush's head during that highly publicized news conference in Iraq last week. In addition, several sources told TheYellowDailyNews that at least 15 dozen U.S. intelligence agents were examining whether the possibility of a third shoe played a role in President Kennedy's assassination four decades ago.

Intelligence analysts said it was the first time U.S. intelligence officials were actively pursuing a connection between the shoe-throwing debacle and Kennedy's so-called "magic bullet" assassination.

Intelligence officials believed the two incidents might be linked because, in both instances, there is no evidence that a "magic shoe" or "magic bullet" existed. Several sources suggested the probe was as extensive as the search for Osama bin Laden.

Last week, a Middle Eastern journalist removed his shoes and flung them at President Bush during a news conference in Iraq as Bush was praising the 50,000-plus Iraqi's killed in the Iraq war Bush started more than five years ago. Bush lauded the dead as helping save Americans from succumbing to terrorism on U.S. soil.

The Secret Service agent at Bush's side during the "Shoegate" incident was immediately reprimanded and later fired for allowing the president to face not one, but two and possibly three shoe flingings within seconds, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush was not injured. Muntadhar al-Zeidi, a correspondent for an Iraqi-owned television station based in Cairo, Egypt, was arrested, stripped search and his feet were cut off, officials said, "so that he may never wear weapons of mass destruction again."

The American Civil Liberties Union, meanwhile, rushed to the fired Secret Service agent's defense.

"This agent was trained to take a bullet for the president, not a shoe," ACLU executive director Anthony Romero said. "In addition, he might have seen what looked like a third shoe flying toward Bush. Nobody has the innate defenses to thwart three shoes cartwheeling through the air."

As a result, Bush's security apparatus is also reviewing its news conference security protocol, and has opened an inquiry into the maker of the shoes in question to determine whether the shoemaker should be charged with producing weapons of terror.

Photo: Muhammad Adnan Asim ( linkadnan ) # 2

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Analysis: ‘Lip Service Economy’ Paying Dividends

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) U.S. and global market fluctuations during the recent weeks have been pegged to government affirmations or denials of a U.S. auto and other sector bailouts, according to an in-depth analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Economists suggested the analysis by TheYellowDailyNews was the most exhaustive ever in the global bailout space.

TheYellowDailyNews' revelation of market fluctuations tied to government utterances has lead many governments, including the United States, to consider continuing paying lip service to varying bailout plans -- thus lifting stock prices without having to dip deeper into the taxpayer till, sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The analysis by TheYellowDailyNews has uncovered what leading economists have dubbed the "Lip Service Economy."

Scholars suggested it was the first time a workable economic theory had ever been discovered. It was stumbled upon by TheYellowDailyNews at a time when the global economy remains at a near-Depression state unseen since the 1930s.

Under the "Lip Service Economy," the details of which are still emerging, the government can cool or heat the economy by offering hopes of an economic stimulus package. Cooling the economy requires government waffling on whether a bailout was forthcoming, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Forget supply-side economics, Adam Smith, the Laffer curve and the trickle down economy," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian. "With the 'Lip Service Economy,' the government can maintain a controllable economic system, one in which optimism and pessimism can be created with simple utterances by government officials -- with economic fundamentals notwithstanding."

The theory began to take shape the last few weeks as hopes for a U.S. auto bailout careened uncontrollably. On Sunday evening, Wall Street stock futures remained mixed as wary traders were awaiting hints of the latest government bailout plan.

Lehman Bros. equities analyst Phil Trado said the "Lip Service Economy" theory was full-proof.

"It doesn't even matter if the government's utterances are true or not. And it certainly doesn't matter if the economy blows up," he said. "What's important is that you timed your short and put stock orders along with the latest government bailout utterances."

President Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, asked TheYellowDailyNews to withhold publication of its report. If the new theory was exposed, the public might lose faith in the economy and perhaps the government, Bush said, adding that publication could embolden America's enemies.

"The disclosure of how our economy works is a white flag to our terrorist enemies that our economy is a house of cards. First the World Trade Center was blown to smithereens. What's next, the Chrysler Building?"

TheYellowDailyNews' executive editor, Dorian Petzelvitche, declined to comment on the Pulitzer-prize winning news outlet's decision to disclose the "Lip Service Economy" in a groundbreaking economic report entitled "Lip Service Economy."

PhotoBascom Hogue

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Xmas 2009 Moved to March to Stimulate U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Federal Reserve is set to announce 2009 Christmas is moving to March as part of a sweeping economic stimulus package, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Fed sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews that Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is expected to make the announcement here perhaps as early as Friday. Economists said the plan was certain to undo the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression -- sparking an early resurgence in a wide range of products, from anti-depressants, electronics, liquor and lead-tainted toys.

Analysts noted that the Christmas season is the most lucrative for retailers. It spawns a frenzy of buying with borrowed money that isn't likely to be paid back for years, if ever, thus racking up huge interest debt and driving an economy accustomed to wanton materialism.

Futures on the New York Stock Exchange soared 3 percent when news of Bernanke's proposal was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website Thursday. Historians said it was the first time the Christmas season was moved in a bid to save U.S. capitalism.

"This is the most brilliant stimulus package the economy has ever seen," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Just think about how much money Americans will waste on unwanted and unnecessary gifts and toys. It's an economic boon."

The American Civil Liberties Union, however, was readying a legal challenge to the changeover, saying the government must also move Hanukkah, Kwanza and other holidays to prevent what some say could result in a "Santa Claus-based economy" in violation of the First Amendment.

"The thought that our economy can only be saved by feeding children with thoughts of a fat guy in a red coat climbing down millions of chimneys in one evening is preposterous," said Anthony Romero, the ACLU's executive director, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Some economists were concerned the Christmas changeover might not work as expected. Americans might salvage their Christmas tree they decorated during the regularly scheduled Christmas and reuse it in the March Christmas.

"The green revolution is taking over in the United States, and many families might see it as wasteful to kill two trees, instead of one, in such a short period of time," said Benjamin Green, a University of Oregon forester. "This uncertainty places trash haulers and landfill operators in an economic conundrum."

Fed insiders said Thanksgiving was also being considered to be moved to as early as the upcoming February. But the plan was ditched when meat plants said the growth hormones routinely injected in turkeys would not artificially fatten the animals in time.

PhotoCainAndToddBenson

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Governor Defends Obama Senate Seat eBay Auction

CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on Wednesday staunchly defended himself against federal charges he was auctioning President-elect Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder on the popular online site eBay.

The 51-year-old two-term governor, who by Illinois law is vested with appointing a senator to fill the U.S. Senate seat Obama is vacating to assume the presidency, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that his actions were "for the good of the country."

"I am bringing transparency to the political process," Blagojevich told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview here in the governor's mansion. "The only crime being committed here is that the government is accusing me of a crime and the public is buying it."

Presidential scholars said it was the first time a politician was trying to be bought on eBay. "It's usually not this transparent," Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian, said in an exclusive interview.

An eBay spokesman said Blagojevich's arrest underscores that eBay is the No. 1 auction site. In after hours trading, shares of eBay soared 18 cents, to $14.36.

The governor's arrest left rival online auction sites like Yahoo scrambling to secure the auction to fill Blagojevich's seat after his impeachment and imprisonment. If convicted, the governor faces a maximum 10-year prison term.

Obama, the senator from Illinois who is resigning his post to become the nation's 44th president, blasted Blagojevich for what he decried as "acts of treason against the name of politics."

"I spent more than $700 million to become president and Blagojevich wants to give away my senate seat for a few hundred thousand dollars? That's in insult to me and the voters who elected me," Obama said in an exclusive interview.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested the Illinois governor here on Tuesday after an astute agent stumbled upon the auction as she was monitoring eBay traffic for sales of al-Qaeda memorabilia, sources said.

"We had several hundred agents searching for clues of the next terror attack by monitoring auctions of knockoff Osama bin Laden memorabilia on eBay," FBI director Robert Mueller told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "An agent mis-typed 'Osama' and spelled 'Obama' by mistake and the rest is history."

Early on during the auction, hackers from the Ukraine hijacked the eBay site and posted a bid of $99,999,999, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews. But astute eBay officials regained control of the site moments before Blagojevich was to accept the bid, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: ursonate

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Three Dead in Wal-Mart Funeral Stampede ‘Chaos’

Long Island, N.Y. -- (TYDN) At least three were left dead and dozens injured when a crowd of mourners stampeded at a funeral here Sunday while paying last respects to a loved one, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The carnage began when an estimated 200 mourners could not contain themselves when attending the funeral for 34-year-old Braden Morehouse, who was killed in an unrelated human stampede more than a week ago. With emotions boiling, the crowd rushed Morehouse's casket in what one witness described as "chaos." Along the way, the priest was trampled and listed in critical condition at a local hospital, sources said.

Analysts said it was the worst human stampede since Nov. 28, the day after Thanksgiving, when thousands of shoppers hurled themselves through a Wal-Mart front door here at 5 a.m., killing Wal-Mart employee Morehouse and injuring several others.

Sunday's stampede -- at the Long Island Funeral Home for the Living, formerly known as the Long Island Funeral Home for the Dead -- erupted when incensed mourners could not contain their anger over Morehouse's death. Last week, as a Wal-Mart temp, Morehouse had tried, in vain, to hold back a pack of frothing Black Friday shoppers which eventually tore down the front door and trampled him as it gangwayed into the Long Island store searching for deals from everything from toilet paper to electronics.

Witnesses at Morehouse's funeral, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said everybody just "lost it" and rushed Braden's casket as they recollected his death. "The preacher was up there, talking about Braden. Everybody started crying and just rushed his casket," one mourner, who requested anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "It was chaos. Everybody started screaming and bum-rushing Braden's body."

Several funeral stampede sources, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the crowed trampled the casket, and Morehouse's body fell from the coffin. Mourners, being pushed by a throng, eventually gave way and stampeded over the body again.

When it was over, when the dead and injured were cleared, survivors were left scratching their heads, wondering what had happened.

Edith Morehouse, who attended the funeral to mourn the loss of her son, was worried about the wake she was having at her Long Island house following the funeral. "Jesus Christ," she said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "I hope I got enough coleslaw."

Photo: .faramarz

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Domestic Crisis as Mom-in-law Moves to White House

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law is scheduled to move to the White House here with the First Family on Jan. 20, when Obama assumes the presidency, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The revelation amounts to what legal scholars suggested was a looming domestic crisis -- an unprecedented constitutional showdown threatening to undermine the nation's checks and balances with the overnight creation of a fourth branch of government. Historians said the nation may drift into chaos as the executive, legislative and judicial branches confront an unprecedented stick thrown through their spokes.

"This new fourth branch, the so-called "you're-not-good-enough-for-my-daughter branch," is likely to turn government on its head, with the executive branch first to be thrown into turmoil," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This will resonate with the other branches, perhaps sending the nation into disarray."

Marian Robinson, the mother of First Lady-elect Michelle Obama, brings to the White House a keen sense of diplomacy. Experts said she has uncanny negotiation skills as well.

"She is known for getting people to take her position, to view it her way, without ever saying a word," Harvard University domestic affairs expert Dee Ranged said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "She can get it done with just a look, a facial expression of sorts with the threat being implied and understood -- a pure diplomatic attache she is for sure."

Still, legal experts suggested the manner in which President Obama conducts himself the first 100 days of office -- during his presidential honeymoon -- is crucial to the nation's future.

"This may seem paradoxical, but a strong executive is what's needed here to keep the nation's checks and balances in check, especially with the sudden creation of a fourth branch of government," Yale University historian Dick Yolio told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Only time will tell how this plays out. It's a powder keg nevertheless."

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Prison, Brothel and Gambling Indexes Replacing Dow

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The Dow Jones Industrial Average index of 30 stocks, the widely followed indicator of stock market health since 1928, and other leading indexes are being replaced with several new trackers ranging from private prison firms to Las Vegas bookmaking facilities and brothels, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In a bid to spur investment into the ailing stock market, the government is replacing the Dow, the tech-heavy Nasdaq Composite Index and S&P 500 Index with new indexes that most Americans can relate to, according to several sources, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Federal Reserve officials told TheYellowDailyNews that the new leading index of 20 private prison companies â.. dubbed the CellSex 20 Index -- should also spur minority investment as well.

"With more than seven million American's in prison, about one in 100 of the population and the majority of them minorities, the creation of this tracking device is something that a large segment of the population can relate to," one Fed official said. "The United States has the world's largest per capital prison population, and this tracker is targeted at a growing segment of our population and should attract a wide swath of investment."

President-elect Barack Obama, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyDailyNews, said he endorsed the plan that is expected to be unveiled as early as Wednesday on the floor here of the New York Stock Exchange. Still, Obama had some reservations.

"I'm a little concerned that the public might confuse the CellSex 20 Index with the new Brothel 69 Index," Obama said. "However, I believe the PappaNeedsANewPairofShoes13 Index of bookmaking facilities should help revive the economy and bring in investors waiting on the sidelines. The 30 Blue Chips in the Dow are so yesterday."

Lehman Bros. equity index analyst Chiapta Leven, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said it might take time for institutional investors to adapt to the change. But he said he was elated the stock exchange didn't go too far.

"My sources said the exchange was seriously considering adapting a fourth tracker following the life and times of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan," Leven told TheYellowDailyNews. "The so-called BoobHotIndex 3 could have sparked a run on Wall Street and might have been confused with the CellSex 20 Index and the Brothel 69 Index."

The Dow closed Tuesday, its final day of indexing, at 8,419, up 270 points. Overall, advancers outweighed decliners on the Big Board by a 7-1 margin in heavy trading. The Dow is off its all-time high of 13,780 reached in September.

Photojotor

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Obama: Wal-Mart Stampede Signals Healthy Economy

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. --(TYDN) President-Elect Barack Obama declared an economic victory hours after a Wal-Mart worker died early Friday after being trampled by a mob of frenzied shoppers smashing through the Long Island store's front doors here.

The Black Friday 5 a.m. stampede plunged the Wal-Mart into chaos. Several employees were kicked to the ground. Others scurried atop vending machines to avoid the horde searching for deals from everything from board games to tin foil to toilet paper and video-games.

"This stampede, like a Who concert stampede, shows that consumers have money and are willing to spend," Obama told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "That hordes were clamoring to get into the Wal-Mart underscores that there's hordes of investors on the sidelines ready to invest in an Obama economy, in a future America."

When the stampede's madness ended, 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee Braden Morehouse was dead and four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured.

"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said an elated Wal-Mart manager Jimmy Underby. "Visible through the front glass window that the crowd shattered, I had built the most geometrically sound display of Christmas, I mean, holiday wrapping paper replete with bows. They could see it from outside and they took the doors off the hinges to barrel inside. Braden was trampled and killed in front of me and he didn't die in vain."

Wal-Mart insiders said they would have administered first aid and perhaps saved the employee's life. However, they said it was company policy not to use store products for personal use. They feared being fired if they helped their co-worker.

"I remember when Johnny from the produce department had jock itch real, real bad and was fired after he grabbed some power to extinguish the itch," Justin Lamardio said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "He was gonna pay for it but couldn't stand the burn and needed instant relief and got fired before he could fork over the $1.59."

Another employee, Ramsus Arnetticas, said he ran to the first-aid section for a tourniquet to "put on the trampled dude's head."

"I thought this might save him. But the price rang up wrong and we needed to do a price check on aisle 11," Arnetticas continued, saying he didn't care whether he got fired. "He was just sprawled out there on the ground in front of the wrapping paper display with everybody just stomping on top of him. I didn't use wrapping paper to stop his head from bleeding because that would have been, you know, weird and sacrilegious and all."

Even officers who arrived to perform CPR on the trampled worker were stepped on by wild-eyed shoppers streaming inside.

"This underscores a healthy economy," Obama said.

Shopper Dennis Densomre, who left the store with 10 packages of wrapping paper, a bagful of free popped-corn and "a 99-cent package of water balloons for the little one," said he was disappointed that the authorities shut down the store so "they could scoop up the dead Wal-Mart employee."

"His body was a stepping bag that allowed dozens of people to get that coveted wrapping paper that was on sale. He's a hero," Densomre told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The melee began when an estimated 2,000 shoppers gathered outside Wal-Mart's doors in the predawn darkness, witnesses said.

Chanting, "push the doors in," the crowd pressed against the glass as the clock ticked down to the 5 a.m. opening. Sensing catastrophe, nervous employees formed a human chain inside the entrance to slow down the mass of shoppers.

It didn't work. The mob barreled in and overwhelmed workers, sparking the economic recovery the nation had been wanting.

Photojurvetson

Friday, November 28, 2008

Bush Weighing Bush Pardon

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President George W. Bush's latest list of pardons does not include high-profile individuals, including the president himself, as he mulls whether to grant himself clemency in his final weeks in office, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Bush administration officials, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity early Friday, said the 43rd president was considering pardoning himself for the endless wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the recession, the housing crises, skyrocketing unemployment, inflation, the stock market crash and a legacy of unprecedented eavesdropping on the American populace.

The startling revelation of a possible Bush pardon sparked intense public debate. Legal scholars wondered aloud whether the power of executive commutation can be exercised on oneself â.. a power of forgiveness never exercised in such a way. The closest it's come was when then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton forgave President Clinton for having Oval Office sexual relations with intern Monica Lewinsky.

"In modern times, the pardon and commutation of sentences has been limited to drug dealers and the president's friends," Hoover Institute scholar Tim Smith said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Whether the president himself qualifies is an untested question."

Scholars and political watchers noted that the president was instead considering whether to charge $10,000 or $20,000 an hour for post-presidency speaking engagements to give the public a chance to peer into the mind of the nation's 43rd chief executive who will always be known as "Mr. President" regardless of whether he pardons himself.

Bush has been stingy about issuing pardons. Including this week's actions, he has granted a total of 171 pardons and eight commutations. That's less than half as many as either Clinton or President Reagan issued during their two terms in office.

One hot topic of discussion related to pardons is whether Bush might decide to issue pre-emptive pardons before he leaves office to himself or government employees who authorized or engaged in harsh interrogations of suspected terrorists in the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. Some constitutional scholars and human rights groups want the incoming administration of President-elect Barack Obama to investigate possible war crimes.

If Bush were to pardon anyone involved, it would provide protection against criminal charges, particularly for people who were following orders or trying to protect the nation with their actions. But it would also be highly controversial.

At the same time, Obama advisers say there is little, if any, chance that his administration would bring criminal charges against Bush or anybody else.

Photo: orangeacid

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

iPhone Smudge Reveals Image of Jesus

Glendive, MT. -- (TYDN) Tens of thousands of worshippers were lining up for miles outside a small farmhouse here hoping to get a glimpse of what Vatican authorities confirmed was the image of Jesus appearing in the smudge of a well-thumbed iPhone, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The pilgrims, some of them walking days to this modern-day Mecca, have come to see the vision of the son of God himself as he appeared on Dan Smith's new iPhone. The discovery by Smith, a 38-year-old hog farmer and father of two, prompted a wave of the faithful to perform the Hajj and descend on this tiny farming community of 5,000 -- about 200 miles outside Montana's capital, Helena.

Vatican scholars said it was the first time that the image of Jesus has appeared on an iPhone, a device known for its smudgy surface where shapes of Steve Jobs' brain often appear. The Vatican scholars, who arrived here late Tuesday from Rome, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that the image was indeed of Jesus Christ.

"We've verified images of Jesus on tortillas, trees, windows, pancakes, linoleum table tops, chocolate bars, foggy windows and grilled cheese sandwiches," Vatican scholar Victor Romanowskiolov told TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday. "But never have we seen one so pure and clear on such a marvelous device."

Smith, who had bought his black 8 gig iPhone two days before online, said the image was a blessing from above.

"After I got this in the mail, I couldn't put it down. I wasn't tending the hogs and I wasn't even feeding my children or being faithful to my wife," Smith said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Last night, when I went to log onto this porn site I've been hitting, have you seen how clear porn sites are on one of these, Jesus appeared in a smudge and I knew I had been saved."

Street vendors were hawking Jesus-on-an-iPhone soap while others were distributing the latest iPhone wallpaper app replete with pictures of Jesus, Mother Mary, the Pope, Steve Jobs and other holy ones and places.

Many worshippers in the lineup to view the holiest of iPhones were concerned they were doomed to a life in hell. They were seen frantically attempting to rub the image of Jesus on their iPhones.

And as the crowed grew tense, a riot erupted when rumors surfaced that Smith accidently smudged away Jesus' image to answer a call on the popular touch-screen phone.

"Jesus Christ, it was my brother Fred in Arkansas," Smith told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "He said he saw me on the news and was wanting to know what porn sites I was surfing."

Photo: Jon Snyder

Friday, November 21, 2008

Sex Offenders Sentenced to Freedom

BLOOMFIELD, Ind. -- (TYDN) Six southern Indiana jail inmates who devised a way to sneak between cell blocks to help pass their time behind bars by having sex were sentenced to five years of release early Friday, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The inmates, three women and three men, begged state Judge Justin Meaniou to keep them locked up as punishment for being convicted of unlawfully leaving their cells and for having unsanctioned jail sex. Meaniou, one of the state's toughest jurists, threw the book at them and ordered what many corrections officials said was one of the state's toughest penalties: release on their own recognizance.

The inmates figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels in the Greene County Jail and used the passageway more than a dozen times in September and October, according to court documents.

The men - ages 44, 38 and 17 - and the women - ages 27, 26 and 21 - crawled through the ceiling after midnight, having sexual encounters and drinking homemade alcohol that was found hidden in the male cell block, a police affidavit said.

Lawyers for the inmates detested the sentence. They said they would appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. "This is a miscarriage of justice," said Eric Loball, one of the attorneys, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "My clients are being overly punished by being released. They deserve leniency for these crimes and therefore should remain locked up."

One male inmate who was not charged said the female inmates would "hang-out, play cards or have sex with some of the male inmates" in their cell block, the affidavit said.

The inmates were able to find a security camera "blind spot" where they could remove ceiling tiles and create a passage between the cell blocks, Sheriff Terry Pierce said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The inmates used a shower drain as a tool to loosen security screws and the ceiling tiles were carefully replaced so they did not appear to be disturbed, Pierce said.

The ceiling panels have since been secured, and Pierce said he was seeking funding to improve security at the jail, which was built in 1994 in the city about 25 miles southeast of Bloomington.

Prosecutors said the investigation is continuing.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Congress Demands Huge Executive Bonuses

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Lawmakers on Wednesday demanded the Federal Reserve to release billions in taxpayer dollars to fund executive banking sector bonus packages in a bid to prevent the economy's collapse, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The push for the bonuses is in addition to a $700 billion Fed bailout package approved for the banking community, and comes as the economy teeters on the brink of faltering. Lawmakers said the bonuses, totaling another $700 billion and to be dispersed by year's end, is part of the government's overall economic stimulus plan.

Fed Chairman Henry Poulson initially pushed back, but acquiesced when lawmakers and their constituents expressed alarm that the banking institutions, even with a fresh injection of a $700 billion bailout, might fail unless their top executives and traders received lavish bonuses as the Christmas season approaches.

"How do you expect these banks to make money and make loans at exorbitant interest rates unless the top brass and key traders are given millions more on top of their millions in annual salaries?" Rep. Barney Frank, head of the House Financial Services Committee, said at a hearing early Wednesday. "C'mon, this is Economics 101."

Luxury goods stocks soared in after hours trading, fueled by strong demand for securities in Gucci, Rolex and a host of designer yacht and homebuilders.

Analysts, meanwhile, welcomed the bonus bailout.

That "best-in-class" executives stand to reap just paltry millions of dollars in year-end bonuses "should teach them a lesson to behave more responsibly. And it likely would prevent the banks from igniting another economic meltdown," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Never again will the banks loan out trillions of dollars to people they know can't pay it back. This is a victory for America."

Paulson said lawmakers should provide even greater bonuses. A fresh monetary infusion, he said, likely would further stimulate an economy teetering on collapse.

"Blue chip industrial companies were frequently unable to issue commercial paper with maturities greater than a few days as the commercial paper market became severely impaired," Paulson told alarmed lawmakers. "We received reports of small and medium-sized companies, with no direct connection to the financial sector, losing access to the normal credit needed to meet payrolls, pay suppliers and buy inventory."

Photo: Barney Frank

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fed Agrees to Seed Sperm Bank Bailout

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Federal Reserve agreed early Monday to an unprecedented deposit into the nation's sperm banks -- which are nearing impotency -- as part of a multi-pronged package to erect the nation's now-flaccid industry, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Federal authorities, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, acknowledged that failing to lubricate the sperm banks, once a pillar of industry, could have penetrating ramifications across the economy. The banks say they are almost tapped out, and require fresh seeding to keep their engines humming.

Still, the infusion of fresh resources into the sperm banks was not without controversy, according to well-positioned federal authorities, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

"We're concerned that these banks aren't focused, that there's a lot of jacking off going on there," one federal bailout official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "With the way the economy is shrinking, we're not sure whether we want to release a new injection to prop up these banks that might not last."

But after days of gyrating on the issue, senior Fed officials agreed to the immersion amid fears the banks' un-liquidity could result in a pounding across market sectors.

"After going back and forth on the issue, the Fed decided to provide the sperm banks with fresh inventory before their plight released itself to the masses," Fed Chairman Henry Paulson said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We were mentally masturbating for days over what we wanted to do on this, and I finally said we need to come out and take action."

Revisionist historian Harry Jeffers applauded the decision.

"Finally," Jeffers said, "the Fed inserted the bone that the banks have so much been needing to give birth to a new economy."

Photo: Marbella.to

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Fed Conditions GM Bailout on Hummer Revival

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Federal Reserve is conditioning a possible $50 billion bailout rescue of troubled General Motors on the automaker promising strong sales of its hulking Hummer brand, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Executives at the Detroit automaker and federal officials told TheYellowDailyNews early Friday that the plan is expected to be publicly announced as early as Saturday. The deal, while still in its preliminary stages, marks the first time the federal government, as part its $2 trillion economic rescue package, has placed conditions on a bailout recipient.

Insiders said the conditioned bailout requires GM to promise to triple sales of the $70,000 vehicle by the third quarter of 2009. Details of the plan require GM to increase interest rates on Hummers, and promise consumers a year's worth of free gasoline â.. strategies that helped push GM to near insolvency but strategies now seen as elevating GM past Ford and Chrysler to become the nation's No. 1 automaker.

Analysts said the proposal was certain to spark a financial resurgence across America's ailing car lots, and would reverberate from Wall Street to Main Street.

Sales of the massive vehicles, which get an efficient 9-10 mpg, have fallen nearly 60 percent year over year. General Motors says it may go under by year's end if U.S. taxpayers don't come to its side and start buying its flagship Hummer.

And GM Chairman Richard Wagoner said Hummer sales should ignite the economy. He said the vehicle is perfect for America, and has been a victim of skyrocketing gas prices, unemployment, a plunging stock market, a strong dollar and the housing crisis.

"If we can get more people into these combat-ready cars, we think that could spark a strong economic rebound while also preparing the nation for a terror attack once Sen. Barack Obama takes office," Wagoner said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Strong sales of this vehicle mean huge sales of steel, gasoline and even paint â.. all of which require thousands of workers and dozens upon dozens of factories to produce."

Analysts said the plan was the correct approach to right a sinking economy, and underscores that Washington was serious about accountability.

"Congress just gave the banks $700 billion based on the trickle down theory, and now the Fed is begging the banks to loan out that money instead of hoarding it," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian. "This Hummer plan shows that the government is taking the correct steps in steering the economy to prosperity."

Photo: Franco Folini

Sunday, November 9, 2008

GOP Faults Obama’s Lack of Iraq Re-Invasion Plan

CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Materializing are Republican fears espoused during the presidential campaign that a President Barack Obama would be weak on terrorism, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Consider Obama's first and only news conference following his Tuesday election to succeed President Bush. Not once did he mention invading any country, yet alone a re-invasion of Iraq.

Instead, his 20-minute oration focused solely on an economy reeling by a record number of house foreclosures, bank closures, growing unemployment, a crashing stock market and shrinking domestic output, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Republican strategists and revisionist historians quickly seized on what they said were Obama's misguided priorities, including his failure to announce a re-invasion of Iraq contingency plan.

Karl Rove, a Republican strategist and architect of Bush's two presidential victories, decried the statements by Obama, who takes office Jan. 20. "That Obama didn't say he wanted to bomb Iran, North Korea, and Russia shows weakness," Rove said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And that he did not want to re-invade Iraq opens the door for another September 11."

Revisionist historian Harry Jeffers faulted Obama for not proposing converting the Big 3 automakers, which are nearing extinction, into tank, missile and other weapons-making businesses to prepare for an Iraqi re-invasion.

"That Obama did not say he wanted to suspend the Constitution's Fourth Amendment guarantee against unreasonable searches, as Bush did, underscores just how liberal and dangerous Obama is. He never even mentioned Osama bin Laden during that speech, either," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Obama's press conference came after he and Vice President-elect Joe Biden met privately with economic advisers to discuss ways to stabilize the economy.

Republican Sen. John McCain, who lost to Obama on Tuesday, said Obama's press conference amounted to "an open invitation for terrorists to waltz in here and bomb us and redistribute our wealth. We need to attack or be attacked."

McCain is urging Americans "to stockpile duct tape."

Photosamdaq (AT) hotmail

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Analysis: Stocks Plunge Amid Fears of Bush Fuckup

NEW YORK --(TYDN) Wall Street plunged for a second day Thursday, triggered by the realization that President Bush has two months remaining on his second term â.. enough time to further fuckup the nation, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Bush factor, coupled with concerns that the euphoria over Sen. Barack Obama's election Tuesday to the White House is dissipating, sent the major stock indexes down more than 4 percent Thursday. Major indexes have lost about 10 percent since Obama was elected president on Tuesday -- a vote preceded by a steep rally -- and the losses represent the Dow's worst two-day percentage decline since the October 1987 crash.

Investors and analysts, however, said the decline was due more to renewed worries over whether Bush would fuckup again ahead of Obama's inauguration in January.

"We're really concerned that investors, and everybody, was so euphoric leading up to the election that they forgot that, no matter who won, Bush is still in office for another two months," said Dexter Manliolo, a Barclays Capital analyst, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "While the Dow skyrocketed 18 percentage points days ahead of the election, when the election was over, everybody took stock that Bush was still the president and likely to screw-up the country even more."

It was the Dow's worst percentage decline ever following the presidential election, slightly surpassing the days following Franklin Roosevelt's first election in 1932. Paper losses the last two days in U.S. stocks came to $1.2 trillion, according to the Dow Jones Wilshire 5000 Composite Index, which represents nearly all stocks traded in America.

While worries about automakers and the financial sector compounded investors' unease, the focus remained on Bush still being in office.

"The economy is in pretty significant turmoil and I think that is broad-based because it all concerns whether Bush will fuckup again," said Ed Hyland, global investment specialist at J.P. Morgan's Private Bank, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is something that we haven't really seen, this level of complete and utter failure by an administration that, despite two months until inauguration day, is precipitating a rapid and significant pullback both in the market and the economy."

The market's two-day slide follows an enormous run-up since last week, so some pullback was expected despite fears of a Bush fuckup in his waning presidency. Still, analysts said the market's pullback isn't surprising given the scope of President Bush's fuckups.

The Dow fell 443.48, or 4.85 percent, to 8,695.79 after falling as much as 502 in the final five minutes of trading Thursday. The blue chips remain 520 points, or 6.4 percent, above 8,176 -- their Oct. 27 closing low from the market's yearlong decline.

Broader stock indicators also posted sharp losses. The Standard & Poor's 500 index fell 47.89, or 5.03 percent, to 904.88, and the Nasdaq composite index fell 72.94, or 4.34 percent, to 1,608.70.

Following Obama's election, the Dow is down 9.7 percent, the S&P 500 index is off 10 percent and the Nasdaq is down 9.6 percent.

Photo: artemuestra

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

EXCLUSIVE: President Wins in Landslide

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) American voters, seeking a changeover from the Bush administration, embraced a sitting U.S. senator on Tuesday as the nation's next chief executive in an historic landslide victory, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The winner, securing more than 50 percent of the vote, campaigned on a platform of change and political insiderness that voters have been yearning for, according to exit polls conducted by TheYellowDailyNews. Voters, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said the time was ripe to vote President Bush out of office.

"My vote was a vote for a new president," said one voter, who spoke on condition of anonymity because his party's apparatus has not authorized him to speak publicly about his vote. "I think the results show that I was not alone in the reasons why I cast my vote the way I did."

Revisionist historians said it was the first time in U.S. electoral history that voters were so sure they wanted a new president. And, analysts said, voters picked the new president on the belief that their choice would better position the nation in terms of the economy, the war, environment, health care, the housing market, taxes "and all of the hot-button issues," Cal State Fullerton revisionist Historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview.

"Voters believed the victor would better position voters' lives," Jeffers added. "This was an unprecedented election. The voters have spoken."

In a late-night victory speech here, the 44th-president elect said change was on the way.

"Believe me, you have voted for the right candidate. I believe in your votes. You made the right choice," he said.

In a concession speech, the opponent said, "it was a hard fought battle. I give my full support to my rival. Change is in the air and I respect the will of the voters."

Photo: traviscrawford

Sunday, November 2, 2008

TYDN Recommends Vote for McCain, Obama

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews editorial board recommends pulling the ballot lever Tuesday for the presidential candidate whom voters believe is telling fewer untruths. Most important, we recommend voting for the candidate you believe would screw up the country less than their rival.

TheYellowDailyNews also recommends voters to consider balloting for the candidate they think would tax them less while taxing their neighbors more. And depending on whether you're a hawk or dove, we urge voters to pick the candidate that fits into their views of wanting less or more war.

Also, consider whether terrorists would immediately attack us to test the newly elected president's leadership skills.

In short, TheYellowDailyNews is recommending a "yes" or "no" vote for the Republican candidate, Sen. John McCain of Arizona; or the Democrats' candidate, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois.

For those who are still undecided, here's a brief synopsis of the campaign:

Each candidate says the other would tax you out of existence. Each candidate says wars would ignite across the globe if their rival is elected to succeed President Bush, the nation's 44th chief executive.

What's more, each candidate says Americans' are likely to lose their jobs or become homeless if the other wins. Social security would dry up if either candidate wins, according to the campaigns. And if the candidates are to be believed, the environment would be torn asunder if either candidate wins.

The war in Iraq will never end, according to both campaigns' finger-pointing.

Oil prices would also skyrocket. Famine and a plague of locusts are likely. Neither campaign, according to the campaigns, would do enough to cut crime, thus exposing everyone to an ever greater likelihood of being assaulted should the other candidate win.

Energy costs would soar and housing prices would tumble no matter which candidate prevails, the candidates say, while inflation would run rampant.

So on Tuesday, TheYellowDailyNews editorial board recommends voters pick the best candidate to lead through these troubling times.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Voter Guide: Do Not Name Sewage Plant After Bush

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews editorial board recommends "no" on Proposition R, which would rename this city's Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.

Analysts said the measure's outcome is perhaps more important than the race for U.S. president and its implications for the war on Iraq, the economy, taxes, environment and the makeup of the U.S. Supreme Court.

But renaming a sewage plant after the nation's 44th president is an outright disrespect. Every morning, when the hundreds of thousands here grab the San Francisco Chronicle's comic section to perform their morning constitutional, they would be reminded of the Republican's eight-year term. That is unacceptable.

The measure would also set bad precedent.

If adopted, other cities may follow San Francisco's trend, forcing perhaps millions more Americans to relive -- or relieve -- the Bush administration every morning. That is unacceptable.

Then there are the unintended consequences of Proposition R, especially as it applies to children. So for children's sake, vote no on Proposition R.

Children's minds are fragile, and we fear that associating a natural bodily function with the Bush administration could have wide-ranging implications for American potty training. Children may find it more comfortable to stay in diapers. Bigger kids could get into the bad habit of saying they need to take "a George."

This measure is just another ploy by Procter & Gamble and other diaper makers to sell more diapers.

On Tuesday, vote no on Proposition R.

Photo: lorelei

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

McCain Blasts Obama ‘Robin-Hoodism’ School Essay

HERSHEY, Pa. -- (TYDN) Citing evidence of his presidential rival's extremist economic position, the McCain campaign on Wednesday offered a sixth-grade essay in which Sen. Barack Obama had wished "all boys and girls had a roof over their heads, enough food to eat and a basketball hoop."

Sen. John McCain of Arizona, the Republican presidential nominee, pounced on the 35-year-old essay in which Obama, now 47, submitted as part of an extra-credit assignment to his sixth-grade teacher, Mrs. Peters.

At a rally here, McCain said the essay showed that Obama, a Democratic senator from Illinois, "believes in redistributing wealth, not in policies that grow our economy and create jobs."

Later in the day, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, McCain said "This is Robin-Hoodism at its finest. I bet Robin Hood was Obama's favorite boyhood mythical figure."

Obama campaign operatives, however, attempted to distance the candidate from the essay.

"He was a child when he wrote this and his intention was not Robin-Hoodism," campaign spokesman Bill Burton said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Analysts said the essay is likely to resonate with voters. The electorate is concerned that, under an Obama administration, government operatives would be permitted to remove food from Americans' refrigerators and "redistribute this food to the hungry in ways that teaches people to eat without creating jobs," Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

McCain's poll numbers soared 15 points after the essay's disclosure here early Wednesday.

According to an Associated Press-TheYellowDailyNews survey of likely voters, undecided voters said they would certainly ballot for McCain. The survey also found that at least 8 percent of Obama supporters are now switching â.. giving McCain a 5-point advantage with just a week before Election Day. The survey had a margin of error rating of 0 percentage points.

Meanwhile, an Obama insider, speaking on condition of anonymity because the campaign did not authorize him to speak, said the essay's revelation took the campaign by surprise. "We had repeatedly asked the candidate whether he had anything to hide, and in that vetting process, he said he didn't," the operative said.

Obama's 1-page essay, which made the rounds on conservative websites in an edited form and was posted on YouTube, probed the then-sixth-grader's views on a question posited by his teacher: "How could the world be a better place," according to teacher Mrs. Peters, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

"I always thought he was one of those lefties, and when he wrote that socialistic essay, I knew he was different from all the other boys and girls," Mrs. Peters said.

McCain's running mate, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, also blasted the essay. "Hockey moms should stand up to Obama's universal basketball hoop plan," Palin said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Photo: nofakeharleys.com

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Economy Fixed Under McCain Anti-Flag Burning Plan

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Sen. John McCain proposed an anti-flag burning law late Sunday in what Republican strategists and many analysts acknowledged was a surefire way to heal the faltering economy.

Futures on the New York Stock Exchange soared 500 points late Sunday after McCain's proposal blindsided his presidential rival, Sen. Barack Obama, who instead was focusing on proposals for job creation and ending the war in Iraq. Later in the day, Obama spent hours trying to recover from the McCain proposal, which bumped McCain's poll numbers to a dead heat race â.. almost a 10-point jump.

Analysts said it was the first time in U.S. electoral history a presidential candidate proposed a guaranteed fix-all to cure economic hard times with just days before the election. Revisionist historian Harry Jeffers of Cal State Fullerton said the proposal, certain to pass in both the House and Senate, "was the most brilliant economic stimulus package the nation has ever seen."

McCain, after meeting all day here early Sunday with his campaign operatives, unveiled the anti-flag burning package at a time when most Americans' 401k retirement plans and stock portfolios have been decimated in the wake of Congress' blind eye to a free-market system that plundered the economy.

"That the futures market is already soaring on my proposal underscores that our economy's doldrums are over," the swaggering Republican senator from Arizona told supporters at a campaign speech at the Lincoln Memorial. "The destruction of Old Glory cannot be tolerated."

Flag-burning scofflaws face a maximum 10-year federal prison term. Flag burning in public carries a maximum 15 years and flag burning in a group of three or more people is punishable by at least 20 years.

Obama, the Democratic candidate from Illinois, said McCain's proposal was weak. "In our nation, offenders are sentenced to 50 years or more for stealing golf clubs. That McCain only wants to send flag burners away for 20 years underscores that his proposal is weak on the economy, weak on patriotism and won't stimulate the economy as much as he thinks," Obama said.

Despite assurances from McCain that the proposal was an economic panacea, the American Civil Liberties Union balked. The ACLU said the proposal does not provide exceptions for Boy Scouts disposing of worn out flags, or for rape victims whose attackers force them to ignite Old Glory.

Photo: jenhx

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Analysis: Palin Looks Same Despite Clothing Upgrade

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin's look has not changed measurable from her "Working Girl" formula of authoritative jackets paired with feminine skirts, according to an in-depth analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Despite Republicans spending about $150,000 to upgrade her wardrobe, TheYellowDailyNews' examination found that Palin looked essentially identical to before the wardrobe makeover.

That Palin's look remains virtually unchanged has many analysts wondering whether she's fit to be elected president-in-waiting. The trips to Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue amounted to a switch to designer versions of clothing she was already wearing with no discernible difference, the investigation by TheYellowDailyNews concluded.

"My first reaction when I heard about this was, 'Honey, I could have dressed you for a lot less than that,'" said Cindi Leive, the editor in chief of Vogue magazine. "Most of her bracelet sleeve jackets are so generic-looking that they could have come from any of the favored designers of Washington politicians: Oscar de la Renta, Escada and St. John."

In a joint Vogue-TheYellowDailyNews survey of likely voters, 72 percent of respondents said Palin paid too much.

TheYellowDailyNews' analysis, the nation's first, comes at a time when Palin's looks have grabbed as much or more attention than her conservative political views. Pakistan's new president, Asif Ali Zardari, called Palin gorgeous when he met her weeks ago. Readers of the men's magazine Maxim voted her one of the planet's sexiest politicians.

Good-looking, cute, even "hot" -- these are just some adjectives used to describe Republican presidential candidate John McCain's running mate, even as some commentators and party insiders question her competence to serve while others call the obsession with her appearance sexism.

Other analysts said the $150,000 spent on new clothes could help stimulate the economy.

"There's no upside to looking frumpy or dowdy," said Simon Doonan, creative director for the New York-based fashion house Henry Bendel.

Glamour magazine publisher Harriett Volgsprada also questioned Palin's fitness to lead.

"The square ivory jacket she wore during her acceptance speech at the Republican Convention was a $2,500 silk shantung Valentino from Saks," Volgsprada said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But the black wrap jacket she wore for the vice-presidential debate in St. Louis was a Tahari suit that costs less than $200. And don't get me started on those red imitation croc pumps from Kate Spade."

Photos: geerlingguy

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

McCain, Obama Label Each Other ‘Jackass’

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Presidential rivals Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain turned on their vitriol meters Tuesday, labeling each other a "jackass" unfit to be the United States' commander in chief.

The jawboning came exactly two weeks ahead of the Nov. 4 general election. Revisionist historians said it was the first time in U.S. presidential politics that the candidates publicly used the J-word.

Many analysts applauded the candidates for their self control, for not publicly using more extreme profanity to describe their opponents. But other analysts suggested a level of disingenuousness from the candidates.

"You mean to tell me these guys only think the other one is only a big jackass?" asked Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers. "I don't think so. And I think the voters can see right through that."

A majority of likely voters polled by TheYellowDailyNews said they believed the candidates were, at a minimum, "a complete jackass." About 30 percent of respondents used language the Federal Communications Commission has prohibited TheYellowDailyNews from printing. The survey had a margin of error rate of 0 percentage points.

McCain, speaking here on his first of a multi-state, whistle-stop tour early Tuesday, said "Barack Obama is a big jackass terrorist and ignorant socialist." McCain said he himself was not a socialist because when he approved the $700 billion bailout, he envisioned taxpayers' money only going to Wall Street executives, not "an across-the-board wealth redistribution plan.

Aides were careful to review the speech with McCain several times, to assure themselves that McCain would not call Obama the N-word.

Later in Miami, Obama decried McCain as "a gigantic jackass Michelin-Man-lookalike, who is too weak to even lift his arms above his shoulders." Aides were careful to review the speech with Obama several times, to assure themselves that Obama would not call McCain an "aging jackass."

McCain countered hours later in Raleigh, N.C. He decried Obama as "a super-duper, supersized and gaping jackass." In Harrisburg, Pa., Obama called McCain a "jackass multiplied by infinity, to the third power."

Sunday, October 19, 2008

TYDN Editorial: Voters are Losers

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) In two weeks, millions of Americans will line up outside polling booths to cast a ballot for U.S. president.

Afterward, many of those voters will show up to their jobs adorning stickers displaying, "I voted." The stickers, however, should say, "I'm a loser."

There are several reasons why voters are losers and non-voters are not. Among them, those that don't vote get huge bragging rights to complain when the elected leader screws up.

No matter which candidate wins, the tens of millions of loser-voters bought into the false promises that the winning candidate would bring change, and would be different from his opponent and successor.

Another plus of not being a voter is you don't have to worry about embarrassing moments like outing yourself as a loser if you're spotted by friends or neighbors at the local polling station.

And then there's the loser-voters whom think his or hers vote is actually counted. As allegations of voter fraud are certain to be made Election Day, those that don't vote are comfortable knowing that their non-vote is certain not to be counted.

But there's millions upon millions of loser-voters whom will be confronted with the nightmarish and psychological unease of wondering whether their vote was counted, or whether it was at the bottom of the Hudson River.

And even if ballots are recovered from the Hudson River, it's likely that it won't matter -- even if they're counted. When President Bush beat Al Gore in 2000, for example, the losing candidate had received 543,816 more popular votes than did the winner.

On Election Day, TheYellowDailyNews recommends don't be a loser.

Photo: voxefx

Thursday, October 16, 2008

FBI Investigating Obama, McCain for Voter Fraud

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Federal authorities are investigating the presidential campaigns of Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain on allegations of participating in a far-reaching election scandal, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least six sources within the Federal Bureau of Investigation told TheYellowDailyNews early Friday that the ongoing probe, less than three weeks from the 2008 general election, concerns a series of allegedly false statements the candidates have repeatedly uttered to voters.

The wide-ranging FBI inquiry marks the first time in U.S. electoral history that presidential candidates have caught the eye of federal authorities for their alleged misstatements, half-truths and outright lies. The probe's outcome, not expected for at least 18 months, is seen as having broad implications for McCain or Obama in the 2012 presidential elections.

Sources said the investigation is focused on possible fraudulent statements the candidates and their running mates have made concerning history, monetary policy, foreign policy, the economy, the Iraq war, health care, the housing crisis, national security, taxes, the environment, energy, religion, abortion, geography, gay marriage, education, terrorism and patriotism.

"We're reviewing transcripts of the political conventions, footage of their campaign stops and combing through press clippings to determine if a fraud on the electorate is being committed," said one FBI source with knowledge of the investigation, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "While the probe is in its early stages, it's beginning to look like voters are being defrauded at an unprecedented level."

Republican and Democratic strategists, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, told TheYellowDailyNews that their respective candidates would be vindicated.

"There is no basis in reality for this probe, at least insofar as McCain is concerned," said a McCain operative, who requested anonymity because the McCain campaign did not authorize him to speak. "How can you question that we're for winning the Iraq war, that McCain opposes taxes, that he's for housing, a sound economy, and a strong national defense and for protecting the homeland, environment and so forth?"

An Obama campaign operative, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the Obama campaign did not authorize him to speak, disagreed with the McCain operative.

"The only voter defrauder in this campaign is McCain," the Obama operative said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "How can you question that we're for winning the Iraq war, that Obama opposes taxes, that he's for housing, a sound economy, and a strong national defense and for protecting the homeland, environment and so forth?"

Voter rights groups, whose members are frantically fighting for their economic survival, could not be immediately reached to comment on TheYellowDailyNews' revelation of the FBI's presidential fraud examination.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

McCain, Obama Drop Out of Presidential Race

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain announced Thursday they were dropping out of the presidential race, in what both campaigns said was in response to voters being "utterly annoyed by them."

The decisions, a day after their third and final debate, came after the candidates concluded voters were tired of whining by them and their running mates. Most important, according to an independent poll conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, CNN, ABC, The New York Times and Wall Street Journal, roughly 95 percent of likely voters said they wanted the two major party candidates to drop dead so they wouldn't have to listen to them anymore. The survey had a margin of error rate of 0 percentage points.

The announcements were followed by the third-party candidates also dropping out amid fears of assuming the presidency in President Bush's shadow.

Revisionist historians said the succession of dropouts marked the first time in U.S. history that Mickey Mouse, grandma and other write-in candidates are expected to win the presidency. The Dow Jones Industrial Average soared 721 points, fueled by investor optimism that a competent leader might succeed Bush.

At a joint news conference here, the two major party candidates -- Obama and McCain -- informed the nation of their decisions to put their country ahead of politics.

"I have always said that I did not want to win an election while losing a country," McCain, the Republican from Arizona, wrote in a statement handed to reporters after his advisers concluded the public could not stomach his voice anymore. "My opponent was against the surge."

For his part, Obama, the Democrat from Illinois, said he was dropping out of the race because he could not stand to hear himself speak anymore. "I'm opposed to everything my opponent stands for," Obama, speaking through a sign-language interpreter, told reporters here. "That my opponent dropped out underscores why I'm dropping out."

Independent candidate Ralph Nader and the handful of other third-party candidates immediately exited the race, too. "Hell, do you think I want to take over what the Bush administration has left behind," Nader asked in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I perpetually run in these elections to toy with the results without any intention of actually becoming president."

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Homeless Taking Economy in Stride

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Johnny Danzig lifts his vodka pint he stole at a nearby liquor store here, gazes at it momentarily before finishing it in one gulp. It's a scene that has repeated itself almost daily for decades.

Danzig, and the millions of other homeless Americans like him, has remained unscathed from the world financial crisis, a testament to what the Bush administration says underscores the strength and resiliency of the U.S. economy. Danzig, 52, who hasn't shaved or bathed for months, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that he was untouched by the faltering economy and housing crisis.

Pointing to his cardboard shanty folded into his stolen shopping cart, he boasted that the banks weren't going to take his house he usually sets up each night in San Francisco's North Beach district. And he says he's been careful not to rack up any debt. He owns all of his belongings including the foul-smelling, disintegrating and lice-ridden clothes on his back.

"I've weathered many recessions. The first one I lost my family, and the second one my house, job and dignity," Danzig said. "This recession isn't really having an impact on me."

President Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the example of Danzig and millions of others like him shows that the economy is strong, that the recession's impact is not even touching a growing segment of U.S. society.

"Let this be a lesson that the economy is strong, that this downturn has bypassed millions of Americans," Bush said. "And every day countless more are added to the list of Americans bypassed by this faltering economy that the Democrats created."

Cal State University Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffrey, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, applauded the Bush administration's monetary policy of bailing out Wall Street, the nation's banks and automakers â.. a bailout totaling trillions of taxpayer dollars.

"Clearly, the ranks of the homeless are beginning to swell, and this shows that the Bush administration has done a tremendous job shielding more and more Americans from the recession," Jeffrey said.

Photo: alan(ator)

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Dow Soars 5 Points as Fed Buys NY Stock Exchange

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Seeking to stoke investor confidence, the U.S. government purchased the New York Stock Exchange early Friday and agreed to guarantee every issued stock in a deal valued at $100 trillion, approximately 30 times the nation's annual budget.

The purchase also calls for the doubling of valuation of every share issued to lawmakers, corporate executives and their board members. The deal follows the $700 billion bailout of Wall Street investment firms, the $100 billion bailout of American Insurance Group, the government's $200 billion takeover of the nation's mortgage industry and the $25 million bailout of the U.S. auto industry.

"Private profits with public risk is the American Way. And under my leadership, the economy is under total control," President Bush said as he rang the exchange's opening bell. "These facts should stoke massive confidence in the free market at home and abroad. "

The House and Senate approved the stock market's purchase after suspending deforestation rules. The suspension provided for the immediate cutting of ancient redwoods in Northern California to secure a paper source large enough to feed U.S. Mint printing presses.

"The environmentalists, as always, were fighting us on this and putting these centuries-old trees above innovation and the economy," Bush told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Where do these environmentalists think money comes from?"

Bush advisers, meanwhile, were meeting here with New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Administration sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, were seeking guidance about whether Bush should suspend the U.S. Constitution to remain in office for a third term "to continue steering the nation's prosperity."

The Dow Jones Industrial Average soured 5 points on news of the exchange's takeover. On Thursday, the Dow tumbled 679 points to its lowest level in five years.

The Dow has lost 5,585 points, or 39.4 percent in response to the nation slowly coming to uncertain grips that Bush's popular presidency is ending in January, analysts said.

"The public is deeply concerned that a Barack Obama or a John McCain is going to assume the presidency and muck up the economy and the country's standing as the leader in free-market principles," said Harold Jeffries, a California State University Fullerton revisionist historian. "Under Bush, the federal government is in complete control of the economy."

Photo epicharmus

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

McCain, Obama Spar: Public Declared Debate Loser

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- (TYDN) Presidential candidates Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain clashed repeatedly here Tuesday on the economy, taxes, national security, Iraq and energy. The judges stopped the fight 90 minutes later, declaring every American, those born or unborn, the loser.

During an early round, as the crowd began repeatedly shouting "700 billion dollar bailout," the referee stepped in to untangle the two after each kept screaming "I'm for more regulation than you. I'm the true regulator."

McCain came out swinging, landing a right-handed blow when he blamed his Democratic challenger and his liberal, trickle-up party for creating the financial crisis by wanting "to give home loans to the middle class at taxpayers' expense."

Obama regained his composure, landing a left-handed uppercut when he chided his Republican challenger and his trickle-down party for "creating the financial crisis by being in bed with Wall Street executives, for lighting their cigars with $100 bills at taxpayers' expense."

Ringside analysts, however, said the fight appeared to be staged like a World Wrestling Entertainment match. They said there did not appear to be any substance in the candidates' blows.

"They were certainly throwing blows, but none of them were landing," said boxing analyst Al Pugilis, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It really looked like they were wailing on each other. But it took a few minutes before it started to become clear there was really nothing behind their punches."

A few rounds later, when it came to taxes, Obama looked like he landed a powerful blow to McCain's belly when Obama said, "I promise to waste less middle-class taxpayer money than you."

But McCain countered, landing a strong right to Obama's jaw, saying he would waste less of taxpayers' money than would his opponent. "I can't waste more taxpayer money than you because I promise not to tax the upper class," McCain cried.

All the while, network analysts were commenting on the consequences of Obama and McCain both wearing the same costume: white boxing shorts and black shoes. "Americans will be talking about their outfits for weeks," CBS anchor Katie Couric said. "I think this will make it harder for the electorate to decide on Election Day."

On the terrorism front, each candidate landed several jabs during the seventh round. "I would initiate nuclear war and blow up the world five times over to protect Americans' security," Obama said as he peppered his rival with jabs to the face before McCain landed a counterpunch to Obama's groin.

As the crowd breathed a collective "OOOOOhhhhhhhhhh," McCain hit his opponent again, saying as a Republican president "I would blow up the world at least six, perhaps seven times to protect America from terrorist aggressors -- all of which backs my statements that I would refuse to negotiate with terrorists."

During the mandatory, 2-minute commercial break before the final round, the candidates from their respective corners shouted at one another that America needs to focus on alternative fuels while at the same time feverishly drilling for new oil sources. But many Americans did not see the highly volatile exchange as the networks were airing advertisements for beer, Viagra, or a host of other prescription drugs highlighting Americans' inadequacies.

The final bell rang as the candidates were jibbing and jabbing about their plans for victory in Iraq.

IllustrationJon Snyder
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