Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Debate Analysis: Obama, Romney Thought Opponent Was a 'Lying Dick' Dozens of Times


Photo: TYDN Staff

DENVER -- (TYDN) In the first presidential debate leading to the November elections, President Barack Obama and GOP hopeful Mitt Romney each showed signs dozens of times Wednesday that they believed their rival was a 'lying dick,' TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, which included dozens of interviews with mind readers, body language experts and historians, the debate ended in a dead heat: each candidate displayed signs 37 times that they thought their opponent was a lying dick.

Analysts said it was the first time in the nation's history that a presidential debate ended in a dead heat. "Usually, it is obvious that one of the candidates thinks the other is a lying dick more than the other candidate thinks his rival is a lying dick," Harvard University presidential historian Richard Cox said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This was an extraordinary debate. It's usually always obvious one candidate thinks the other is a lying dick more than the other candidate thinks the other is a lying dick."

Aides from each camp disputed the results. They said the TYDN analysis was off base.

"Clearly, Romney exhibited in his facial movements that Obama was a lying dick way more times than Obama's features showed that Obama thought Romney was a lying dick," a Romney campaign aide told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

An Obama aide, speaking on condition of anonymity, disputed the assertion.

"It is undisputed that Obama thought Romney was a lying dick way more times than Romney thought Obama was a lying dick," the aide said. "I mean, could it not be any more obvious?"

TheYellowDailynews analysis showed that each candidate bit their tongue, lowered their head or showed an open smirk that equated to disdain for the other an equal number of times. That each candidate thought the other was a lying dick was even more pronounced when the candidates discussed the federal government's role, taxes, health care and education, according to TheYellowDailyNews analysis.

"You could just see and sense that each candidate thought the other was a lying dick on countless occasions," Fox News language expert Tonya Reiman said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That each candidate thought the other was a lying dick an equal amount of times simply shocks the conscience."

The TYDN analysis had a margin of error rating of plus-or-minus 2.5 lying dick expressions.

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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Romney Takes 6 Wives to Shore Up Mormon, Female and Minority Voters


Mitt Romney's 6 Wives. Photo: anyjazz65/Flickr 


WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) With just a month before the elections, GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has taken six wives -- distancing himself from his economic platform -- and instead focusing on trying to shore up female, minority and Mormon voters, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Romney was said to have married the wives -- ranging from Chinese, Japanese, Caucasian, African American and Mexican to Native American -- in a hastily called marathon ceremony at an undisclosed location, sources close to the nuptials told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Campaign aides, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to speak to TheYellowDailyNews, said the marriages signify that Romney is now distancing himself from attacks on President Barack Obama's economic platform. Polls show voters are increasingly becoming more optimistic about the economy, and suggest voters are more likely to trust Obama on the economy and jobs.

Analysts said Romney's bold move marks the first time the campaign has turned from the ailing economy. "This political stunt, call it whatever you want, might just put Romney in the Oval Office," said Jerrold Wifler, a Georgetown University presidential historian. "I seriously doubt the Obama camp has the wherewithal to counter this."

But Obama aides quickly blasted Romney's strategy, calling the devout Mormon's move a farce.

"There is no way he could have consummated these marriages this weekend, so he technically isn't married and this is just a giant ruse," an Obama campaign aide with direct knowledge of the situation told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Our medical experts say it's impossible, even with top-of-the-line male enhancement products."

But a Romney aide quickly fired back, suggesting the Obama camp was out of touch.

"Jesus Christ, haven't they ever watched a porno movie before?" a well-placed Romney operative said on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

The aide also said Romney promised not to push for multiple-wife tax credits until after the November elections.

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Thursday, April 19, 2012

New iPhone to Double as Toilet Tissue



CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Apple Inc.'s next iPhone, to debut within months, is expected to double as a smart phone and toilet paper, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
iPhone to render toilet paper obsolete

The development, confirmed by at least four Apple sources who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, is expected to provide consumers a seamless bathroom experience, from making telephone calls, surfing the web to cleaning up. And the iPhone hacking community is already mulling plans to convert the phone into a feminine napkin, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the iPhone 5, for the first time, has achieved the Holy Grail of consumerism by becoming a product that millions of smartphone users have craved.

"Everybody has always said the iPhone is awesome, but everybody also wondered, 'Does it wipe your butt?'" Goldman Sachs analyst Bill Shope wrote Thursday in an investor note, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews. "A phone that will clean you up after defecation is something the public has been dreaming of."

Shares of Apple soared in after-hours trading when TheYellowDailyNews broke the story. Shares of forest-product-related companies plummeted amid investor fears toilet paper would become obsolete.

Sources said the phone's patent-pending, butt-wiping technology was developed by an iPhone engineer with irritable bowel syndrome.

"This guy's job was to develop as many uses for the phone as he could, and he did," a well-placed Apple source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the topic.

The source said Apple engineers working on the project suffered several bouts of cholera before perfecting the technology.

Friday, April 13, 2012

North Korea Defense Agency, U.S. Fireworks Maker Strike Accord



PYONGYANG, North Korea -- (TYDN) Prompting international condemnation, North Korea's defense ministry said Friday it has agreed to sell technology used in its botched long-range missile launch to a U.S.-based July 4 fireworks maker, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Terms of the deal with ACME Pyrotechnics, a North Hollywood fireworks concern, were not immediately disclosed. The U.N. Security Council met in an emergency meeting to discuss the accord, which U.N. officials called deplorable and destabilizing.

The development came hours after a North Korean Defense Ministry missile broke apart seconds after launch Friday morning, then fell into the ocean.

North Korea originally said the missile was designed to carry an observation satellite into orbit and, after the explosion, said it was testing new pyrotechnic fireworks technology.

But the United States, South Korea and Japan insisted the launch was a cover for a long-range ballistic missile test.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon warned ACME Pyrotechnics and the secretive country's regime not to "undertake further provocative actions that will heighten global tensions."

An official with ACME Pyrotechnics, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media, said the North Korean technology would be deployed in its upcoming safe-and-sane July 4 offerings. The Boy Scouts of America, the official said, is expected to be the exclusive dealer in neighborhood fireworks stands nationwide.

"We hope millions of Americans will have a blast with these new fireworks," the official said. "These should become a mainstay at Independence Day block parties everywhere."

The United States has suspended plans to provide food aid to North Korea as a result of the launch, a well-placed U.S. official with direct knowledge of the suspension told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The Boy Scouts, this official added, is to be stripped of its non-profit status.

Meantime, a federal grand jury in Virginia has convened and is considering handing up criminal charges against ACME Pyrotechnics, a source familiar with the proceeding, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The charges include unlawful and unlicensed importation of technology, wire fraud, mail fraud and tax evasion.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Facebook Buys Ham Sandwich for $1 Billion



SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Facebook has snapped up Ham Sandwich for $1 billion in cash and stock -- its largest acquisition yet, as it nears an IPO.

A wildly popular iPhone sandwich that recently became available on Android vending machines, Ham Sandwich lets people harden their arteries over time while providing undisclosed nutrients.

Ham Sandwich's steep price tag -- roughly the same as Peet's Coffee & Tea or Jack in the Box -- raised eyebrows among many, including analysts who drew parallels with outlandish acquisition deals associated with the Internet bubble of the late 1990s.

"Facebook will never make that $1 billion back, but it's still smart," says Patrick Moorhead, principal analyst at Moor Insights & Strategy. "It should drive up the price of sandwiches by several dollars thus sucking more life out Facebook users slowly over time."

Monday's deal -- by far the biggest for a sandwich maker -- trumped Zynga's $200 million acquisition of soda maker OMGPop last month and scored a megapayday for Ham Sandwich's 27-year-old lead chef and CEO, Kevin Systrom.

Speculation on Systrom's cut ranged up to $400 million, with hog processing firms getting most of the rest. Ham Sandwich's dozen or so employees could divvy up an estimated $100 million.

"This is an important milestone for Facebook, because it's the first time we've ever acquired a Ham Sandwich with so many different bread styles," Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg said in a blog post announcing the Ham Sandwich acquisition Monday.

He said Facebook, whose stock is expected to start trading in May, will run Ham Sandwich into the ground.

Not much will change with the sandwich, he said, other than a variety of new cheeses added.

Photo: Accidental Hedonist/Flickr

Friday, March 30, 2012

Porn Stars Decry iPad Retina Display



CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Thousands of porn stars, some carrying placards reading "Apple Out of My Uterus," picketed outside Apple Inc. headquarters here Friday to protest the new high-resolution "retina display" iPads that analysts contend shows viewers "too much genitalia information," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Police square off with porn stars protesting new iPad
The new iPad, with more than 3 million sold in three weeks, sports a 9.7-inch screen with a 2048 x 1536 display -- about twice the quality of an HD television. That's enough pixels to show porn starlets' every pimple, mole, pubic hair, stretch mark, dirty feet and even dental decay.

Analysts said the protest underscores an anomaly with the latest iPad, a device produced generally for porn viewing at home, in the park, on the subway or at work. That's because porn aficionados by the hundreds of thousands have stopped watching porn after having seen their favorite performers' imperfections displayed on the iPad3, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The iPad1 and the iPad2 were a boon for the porn industry, and now the iPad3 appears to be a bust for the $5 billion industry.

Baton-wielding, and tear-gas launching local police said they made as many as 100 arrests. Twelve scantily clad protestors were taken to nearby hospitals, and were treated and released for minor injuries, the authorities said.

"Christ, a lot of people thought porn stars' bodies were so perfect that they were next to God," porn analyst Peter North said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That is until now with the new iPad. It's showing too much genitalia information, and it's starting to turn a lot of porn addicts off."

Apple shares tumbled in after-hours trading as news of the protest spread.

Porn starlet Cherry Garcia-Viagra, one of the picketers, said the newest iPad routinely highlights razor burns in her pubic region. "This makes it harder and harder for me to play the role of a 13-year-old virgin," Garcia-Viagra, the star of Teenies Do Weenies, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

In response to the picketing, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the gadget maker would donate 10,000 iPads to porn addicts to help them cure their addiction.

Meanwhile, state lawmakers across the country are mulling legislation requiring sex offenders to keep a fully charged iPad3 in their residences at all times.

Photo: Adam Scotti/Flickr

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Judge Says Execution Drug Needs FDA Approval



WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) A federal judge Thursday blocked the importation of a drug used in executions on grounds the Food and Drug Administration has not tested the narcotic to determine if it is safe, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

U.S. District Judge Richard Leon sided with lawyers for condemned inmates who want to keep out sodium thiopental, because the highly potent sedative is an unapproved drug manufactured overseas.

"The FDA has not approved this dangerous and potent narcotic that will kill you by merely looking at it, so it cannot be used in executions," Leon wrote.

Analysts said it was the most rational death-penalty decision since 1978, when the Supreme Court ruled that executions did not breach the Eighth Amendment ban on cruel-and-unusual punishment.

The American Civil Liberties Union applauded the decision. "This might prevent unwarranted overdoses in the execution chamber," the group's executive director, Anthony Romero, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The lone U.S. maker of sodium thiopental, Hospira Inc., halted production of the drug last year. The drug, marketed as a heavy sedative, was used off-label by corrections officials in executions across the country until its production halted.

Judge Leon's decision marked the first time a judge has demanded FDA approval of execution drugs.

The Obama administration told Judge Leon that the FDA has no jurisdiction over lethal-injection drugs. What's more, the administration argued that the dose of sodium thiopental administered to condemned inmates in dozens of states is enough to kill a man, and it is the first of a death-inducing, three-drug cocktail.

"What Judge Leon's decision means is that this death drug must go through the FDA approval process," White House spokesman Josh Earnest said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Perhaps Judge Leon should volunteer as a subject as part of the approval process."

Leon ruled the FDA ignored federal law when it approved at least seven shipments of sodium thiopental without first ensuring that the drug was safe and effective, as required by FDA regulations. He ordered five states that had imported the drug -- Arizona, California, South Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee -- to send their batches to the FDA.

Photo: T. Darrell Sullivan Photography/Flickr

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Apple Cultists Popping Ritalin Ahead of iPad3 Unveiling


SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Psychiatrists are doling out attention-deficit drugs in record numbers to cultists consumed over the latest iPad that Apple is set to unveil next month, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the most exhaustive analysis of its kind, psychiatrists across the globe are writing an unprecedented number of Ritalin and other prescriptions to members of the Cult of Mac to calm their anticipation of a device that is rumored to feature a high-definition 2048 x 1536 "retina display" and possibly 4g internet connectivity.

It was the first increase in demand for attention-deficit drugs following the October death of Apple chief Steve Jobs.

Many of the attention-deficit prescriptions are being given to the so-called Apple Fanboys to help control themselves over thoughts of whether they should begin standing in line at their local Apple store in hopes of being the first to purchase the ground-breaking device, which could go on sale perhaps as early as March 7.

A large number of cultists have also been medicated to help calm anxieties over their never-ending thoughts of whether the iPad3 will sport a camera capable of recording 1080p video, whether the device's battery life would be improved, and whether the iPad would be a millimeter thinner and an ounce lighter in weight.

Analysts were quick to blast the analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, accusing it of not being the most exhaustive analysis of its kind.

"This report, by accident or not, leaves out critical information on whether the pills are being distributed to Apple cultists consumed about the new iPad's internal processor," American Psychiatric Association spokesman Linda Sustantivo said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's a big deal whether the iPad will sport a dual-core or quad-core A6 processor. What was TheYellowDailyNews thinking?"

Meantime, as the new iPad launch date nears, an increasingly large number of the Apple cult are checking themselves into mental institutions because they simply cannot cope with anticipation about whether the iPad will come in white, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
Photo: marindow.fowler/Flickr

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Match.com Terminates 'God-Awful-Looking Ugly' Daters' Memberships


DALLAS, Texas -- (TYDN) Online dating company Match.com is dropping memberships to millions of customers deemed "God-awful-looking ugly," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Hazel Feawich is outraged by Match.com's policy
The decision by the Dallas-based online dating site, with 20 million members, means 19,999,999 customers are expected to be terminated from the service Tuesday afternoon, on Valentine's Day.

Gary Kremen, the site's founder, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the decision was based on complaints from its members that they were being hooked up with "God-awful-looking ugly people who couldn't get a date anywhere else."

"We take those complaints seriously. So we reviewed our site and discovered that, indeed, it was full of God-awful-looking ugly people," Kremen said. "We don't want to be known as the dating site for God-awful-looking ugly people."

The revamped site will prevent God-awful-looking ugly people from joining by employing patented image filters to block God-awful-looking ugly people from uploading their God-awful-looking ugly pictures to the site, according to at least three well-placed Match.com officials with direct knowledge of the new technology who told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Hazel Feawich, a 53-year-old Match.com customer who was terminated from the site on accusations of being "God-awful-looking ugly," told TheYellowDailynews exclusively that she was outraged by the news, which means she'll be alone on Valentine's Day.

"It simply shocks the conscience," she said, "that this site is preventing me from dating somebody who is God-awful-looking ugly."

Photo: patrick h. lauke

Monday, February 13, 2012

Whitney Houston Still Dead


Whitney Houston 1986 Photo: tm_0001

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. -- (TYDN) Whitney Houston, who ruled as pop music's queen until her majestic voice and regal image were ravaged by drug use, erratic behavior and a tumultuous marriage to singer Bobby Brown, is still dead. She was 48, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Houston's body was found Saturday in her 4th floor room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel here. As of Monday, multiple sources with direct knowledge of Houston still being dead told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that Houston was still dead, and that an autopsy was being conducted to determine the cause of Houston still being dead.

That Houston was still dead was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Monday.

Two people who are members of Houston's family said the singer's body will be taken home to New Jersey late Monday for a funeral to be held at week's end, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The two spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they weren't authorized to speak for the family and funeral arrangements weren't complete.

Now that Houston is confirmed still dead, the Houston family members said Houston's family has raised the possibility of holding a wake Thursday and funeral Friday at Newark's Prudential Center, according to these well-placed Houston family members with direct knowledge of the funeral planning who requested anonymity and were granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because the Houston family did not authorize these Houston family members to speak to TheYellowDailyNews.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

CIA Demands Apple Disable Siri From Speaking Persian


WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Fearing a wave of iPhone-assisted terror plots, the Central Intelligence Agency is pressuring Apple Inc. to disable its popular smartphone voice-assistant, Siri, from speaking Persian, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The agency believes Siri, if widely adopted by the Taliban or other Middle Eastern terrorists, also likely would be used to automatically remind terrorists to commit jihad. The Siri technology -- well-placed CIA officials told TheYellowDailyNews late Thursday -- is already providing Middle Eastern-based terrorists the directions and locations to carry out suicide-bomb plots.

According to these CIA officials who requested anonymity and were granted anonymity by  TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the intelligence assessment, jihadists could employ Siri to text-message fellow jihadists that they're on their way to committing the next 9/11.

"It simply shocks the conscience that Apple is enabling the iPhone to become a terrorist's assistant that provides suggestions on nearby places to bomb," a top-ranking CIA official briefed on the intelligence told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Christ, the iPhone already informs terrorists about the weather, and now Siri asks terrorists 'what can i help you with.'"

The CIA intelligence assessment is another blow to the Siri technology, which is also coming under widespread fire from civil rights advocates.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

TheYellowDailyNews Acquires TYDN.COM


NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Award-winning news source TheYellowDailyNews has acquired tydn.com to expand its global watchdog reach, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TheYellowDailyNews pressmen celebrate tydn.com purchase
The purchase of tydn.com, including its thousands of reporters and editors at 50 news bureaus worldwide, is expected to solidify TheYellowDailyNews as a worldwide news leader, sources inside TheYellowDailyNews told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and were granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

The move comes two months after TheYellowDailyNews purchased the Los Angeles Times and shuttered it without anybody noticing.

Terms of the tydn.com deal, which included a new printing press and other high-tech patented technology, were not immediately disclosed.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

'Productivity App' Outpaces 'Porno' as Leading Internet Search Term



SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Internet users allot more time searching for and downloading productivity apps than they spend actually being productive, a discovery leading several researchers to conclude that the “to-do” applications may be counterproductive and provide a false sense of productivity, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the Gartner’s Group’s study, with a plus or minus margin-of-error rating of 3.5 percent, for the first time highlights that the term “productivity app” is searched more often than “big boobs” and “hotties” on all the major search engines.

“Employers before had to worry that their employees wasted time at work surfing for porn,” Fred Forrester, a productivity app researcher for the Gartner Group, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “Now, we’re seeing a ton of time being wasted searching for, using and downloading productivity apps. Online porn searching and downloading seems so yesterday.”

The research, released by the Gartner Group early Tuesday and provided exclusively to TheYellowDailyNews, also shows for the first time that the average internet surfer spends five hours weekly searching for the ultimate productivity app. They spend another two hours per week moving their “to-dos” from one application to another, and another hour a week cursing that the app won’t sink across multiple platforms, such as from a smart phone to a computer.

The apps have names like Tasks, Ultimate Tasks, Tasker, To-do, Ultimate To-do, To-dos, Ultimate To-dos, The List, The Big List, Remember the Bread, and Don’t Forget to Take Out the Trash.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Design Flaw Delays World Trade Center Until 2026


NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The agency building the new World Trade Center says a design flaw likely means the project won't be complete until 2026, a decade later than originally planned, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The World Trade Center here in Lower Manhattan was attacked and destroyed by al-Qaida operatives who hijacked airplanes and crashed them into its towers on Sept. 11, 2001, killing thousands. Following the devastation, the United States invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, stripped U.S. citizens of many civil liberties and declared a global war on terrorism.

In response to the Port Authority's announcement that it had forgotten to build bathrooms and install plumbing for the 90-story structure, President Barack Obama said Wednesday the delay only underscores America's resolve against terrorism.

"That it will only take 25 years to erect a building shows that America can never be defeated, and that no matter what happens, America will rebuild expeditiously," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Youths Watch Thousands Die During NBA Game Commercials


NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Youths watching a single National Basketball Association game on cable television witness thousands of people being maimed, slaughtered, raped and murdered in violent video-game commercials, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The commercials advertise video games with titles such as Assassin's CreedKill Everybody, Slaughter the World, I'm Gonna Kill You and Your Family, and I'm Gonna Kill My Family After I Kill You and Your Family, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the first and most exhaustive analysis of television violence during NBA commercials.

Cable outlet channel TNT blasted the study, saying it was shortsighted and overlooked thousands of other non-video-game deaths in NBA game commercials -- such as the violence in scary movie commercials.

"That the TheYellowDailyNews' study found that only video-game commercials show wanton carnage, destruction and death on TNT commercials during NBA games simply shocks the conscience, so much so that the study should be invalidated altogether," TNT spokesman Jose Muerto said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Monday, January 30, 2012

NBA Adopts No-Cry Rule


by Darrell Rakein, TYDN NBA Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The National Basketball Association on Monday adopted a "no-cry" rule that awards free throws to opposing teams when a player visibly cries because he did not like the referee's call, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The rulebook change, which was first disclosed on TheYellowDailyNews' website, was greeted by Las Vegas casinos immediately halting wagering on NBA games until they could examine the ramifications of the new regulation, dubbed the "Kobe-Lebron" rule.

The NBA said it had adopted the change in a bid to create parity among the league's 30 teams.


"Two of the league's best players, Lebron James and Kobe Bryant, cry after every call. So this rule will give free throws to opposing teams and hopefully make games against the Heat and Lakers tighter, and the league a less lopsided one," NBA spokesman Mike Bass said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Using Electronics Built By Slaves, Online Protesters Ding Twitter On Censorship Announcement


by Howard Schlumpinsky, TYDN Internet Affairs Writer
SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Armed with smart phones and computers built by third-world indentured servants and child slaves, the American online community is blasting Twitter for agreeing to censor tweets in foreign nations to comport with local law, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


Twitter's announcement on its blog -- which was broadcast to the world via computers powered by oil produced by despotic regimes, and servers built by subsistence-wage workers in totalitarian nations -- was met with staunch disdain by much of the online American public.


"That Twitter would acquiesce to this grave human rights violation and agree to censor some tweets simply shocks the conscience," blogged Arnold Davidisnky, a 20-something San Francisco computer engineer adorned in designer clothing produced by overseas sweat shop workers as young as 7 years old.


Davidisnky's sentiment was seemingly shared internet wide.


"Twitter needs to set an example that human rights violations of censorship cannot be tolerated," tweeted somebody going by the Twitter handle @invisibleirony.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Poll: GOP Voters Siding With 'Least Heinous' Candidate


by Dexter Futzmery, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- (TYDN) Likely GOP primary voters polled here following the GOP presidential debate said Friday they plan next week to choose the "least heinous" of the four candidates, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TheYellowDailyNews' telephone survey of 150 likely GOP voters for the first time highlighted a positive shift in U.S. voting habits. In past surveys, voters said they would vote for the "less evil" candidate.

Analysts said the statistically significant study, with a plus-or-minus margin of error rating of 3.5 percentage points, underscored that Americans were embracing the political process and beginning to view politicians as only heinous instead of evil.

"I think the study clearly shows that American politics is moving in the right direction, that Americans are starting to have more faith and are feeling better about their choices for government office," Cal State Fullerton historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Gingrich Lied, Concedes He Has No 'Personal' Friends


by Dexter Futzmery, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- (TYDN) GOP presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich conceded Thursday that he lied a week ago when he told a national, televised audience that he had "personal" friends, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts suggested that the revelation, first reported by TheYellowDailyNews on its website, was among the biggest political scandals since President Bill Clinton said he did not have sex with intern Monica Lewinsky.

The Gingrich brouhaha started last week when CNN's John King questioned the candidate if it was true that in 1999 he asked his then-wife Marianne Gingrich for an open marriage so that he could continue having an affair with his girlfriend, Callista.

"Now, let me be quite clear. Let me be quite clear. The story is false. Every personal friend I have who knew us in that period says the story was false," an angry Gingrich told King.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

State of the Union: Obama Warns Iran on iPhone Ambitions


by James Burns, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) As Europe was ferrying battleships to the Gulf, President Barack Obama used his State of the Union speech Tuesday night to ramp up pressure on Iran's pursuit of the iPhone, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The president warned Iran that America would focus on Tehran's disputed iPhone program with "no options off the table," but said the door remained open to talks for a peaceful resolution.

The President's comments came as European nations sent an international flotilla of warships, led by U.S. carriers, through the sensitive Strait of Hormuz on Sunday as a "clear signal" to Tehran that the iPhone was off limits. A report by the U.N. watchdog International Atomic Energy Agency this month suggested that Iran has been pursuing the iPhone since Apple Inc. unveiled the gadget in 2007.

Meantime, the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press found that American's believe Iran is pursuing the iPhone as a precursor to securing the iPad or perhaps the MacBook Pro.

In his State of the Union, Obama told Congress that Tehran was isolated and facing "crippling" sanctions that he said would continue so long as Iran kept its back turned to the global community and continued its pursuit of the iPhone.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Mitt Romney To Pay $2.99 In Taxes For 2010-2011


by Marinol Mota, TYDN Business Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Venture capitalist and GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney released his 2010 tax returns Tuesday and an estimate for 2011 showing he is likely to pay $2.99 in taxes on income of $42.5 million over the two-year period, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The tax records show Romney and his wife, Ann, paid an effective tax rate of 0.00001 percent on their adjusted gross income in 2010. The estimate is the same for 2011.

Analysts said it marked the first time in the nation's history that a presidential candidate had ever paid taxes.

Well-placed Romney campaign operatives, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said Romney is expected to seize on the publication of his tax returns in the upcoming GOP presidential debates.

"He will highlight the injustice of him being taxed $2.99 by showing that he could have paid his limo driver an extra 3 cents a week had his income not been taken from him and given to welfare crack moms," a Romney campaign official with knowledge of the upcoming debates said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Landmark Decision: Supreme Court Says Something About Something


by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that something about something requires some type of action by something, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The far-reaching 125-page decision -- with a 5-4 majority opinion, a 4-5 concurring opinion and a separate solo opinion -- came five years after the Supreme Court first addressed the topic in a ruling that many legal observers suggested at the time would spark more litigation, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the most advanced legal analysis on the topic to date.

Legal observers concurred Monday, and said the court's latest opinion clearly spelled out for the first time that something about something requires some type of action by something.

"This is a watershed, landmark opinion that will forever change the face of legal doctrine about whether something about something requires some type of action by something," Harvard scholar Burt Lacksdale said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Markets Cheer Turning World's Last Tree into Cash


by Gina Raporamama, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK — (TYDN) Stocks skyrocketed Friday when the Federal Reserve announced it had secured the rights to the world’s last living tree, enabling the Fed a final opportunity to print more cash to give to banking executives, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Stocks had fluctuated wildly during the trading day until the Fed said it had agreed to give $1 million to an elderly Sonoma, Calif., woman in exchange for the rights to log a giant sequoia from her yard -- the world's last standing tree. Following the global financial collapse, world governments, including the United States, have gobbled up the world's timber resources to process it into cash to dole out to financial executives.

When the closing bell rang, advancing stocks outpaced losing issues by a 4-to-1 margin.

In after-hours trading, however, stocks began to lose ground when environmentalists sued, alleging the 300-foot, 200-year-old tree likely could not be logged until an environmental impact study was conducted to determine the impact on the Spotted Owl and spawning salmon.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Gillette Drops Porn Star Who Refused to Shave Pubic Hair


by Ragina Manniheim, TYDN Theater Affairs Writer
HOLLYWOOD -- (TYDN) Gillette, the popular maker of disposable shaving razors and creams, is dropping its $1 million endorsement of a popular porn actress who shocked the world when she performed in her latest film with unshaven pubic hair, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


Annaliah Mickdilda
The announcement from Gillette came a week after TheYellowDailyNews, citing anonymous porn industry sources, first disclosed that Annaliah Mickdilda would star in the critically acclaimed Butt Destroyers III with pubic hair that had not been manicured for weeks.


Industry analysts said the brouhaha marked the first time in modern porn history that a starlet appeared in a top-notch porno with pubic hair. 


Porn industry analysts, meanwhile, also said it was the biggest sponsorship scandal to rock the porn industry since 2005, when the Trojan rubber that actor Big Ben was performing in burst on the set of Do Your Neighbor's Mom.


"Mickdilda has clearly breached her contract, which demands she be manicured," Gillette spokesman Richard Sharpinsky said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That she would perform unshaven frankly shocks the conscience."


Leigh Steinberg, Mickdilda's agent, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that he would demand binding arbitration with the Porn Industry Pubic Hair Review Board. Steinberg added that Gillette was being unreasonable.


"Nearly all of the 60-minute feature amounted to Mickdilda performing hardcore anal sex," Steinberg said. "Her pubic hair was barely visible during the entirety of Butt Destroyers III."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Analysis: Supreme Court Would Look ‘Dumb’ Televised

by Momosa Fabrekante, TYDN Legal Affairs Writer 
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The U.S. Supreme Court repeatedly resists calls to televise its proceedings because the court would appear to viewers as dumb, out of touch and devoid of reality, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


The high court’s nine justices have opposed airing their proceedings, publicly saying that doing so could compromise decorum, alter what are normally sedate proceedings and would prompt litigators and perhaps the justices to play to the camera.


But new evidence, based on an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews that included reviewing more than 200 years of precedent and protocol, has found that the justices refrain from airing oral arguments because they don’t want the public to see how inane the process is, and how completely out of touch it is to everyday Americans.


Justice Sonia Sotomayor
Analysts said TheYellowDailyNews’ investigation was the first time the media has seriously questioned the high court’s broadcasting policy in the modern era.


“Nobody would have a clue as to what we’re talking about,” one of the justices said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. “We use words like ‘affirm’ all the time to mean ‘execute him.’ Joe Sixpack cannot process that.”


Until now, a leading yet little-discussed theory about why the court was not televised concerned Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s generous use of hair activator.

Urinating Marines Face Court Martial for Not Defecating on Taliban Corpses


by Gomer Pilon, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Obama administration said Tuesday it was considering courts-martial for the four U.S. Marines who only urinated but did not defecate on corpses of Taliban fighters, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


At least three administration officials, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the Marines face execution for failing to defecate on the bodies of insurgents they killed in Afghanistan.


Military analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said the Marines' failure to evacuate their bowels on the dead is the biggest act of treason since 1953, when Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed for passing along atomic bomb information to the Soviets. These military analysts, meanwhile, said the upcoming court martial marked the first time servicemen would be tried in a military tribunal for failing to defecate on Taliban fighters.


The Naval Criminal Investigative Service is investigating the authenticity of a 85-second video of the marines emptying their bladders on three dead Taliban. The video was obtained exclusively by TheYellowDailyNews and posted on its website last week.


Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos called the lack of defecation "wholly inconsistent with the high standards of conduct and warrior ethos that we have demonstrated throughout our history."

Monday, January 16, 2012

Attention-Deficit Drugs in Short Supply

by Cybil Atencion, TYDN Mental Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Medicines to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder are in short supply, TheYellowDailyNews has learned, leaving patients so worried about their next dose that they have begun taking anxiety drugs. 


The shortages are a result of an oversight by drug manufacturers, and a Drug Enforcement Administration paying no attention to thousands of consumer complaints. Analysts, speaking on condition of anonymity to TheYellowDailyNews and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said it's the first time a shortage of attention-deficit drugs was paid no attention to by government regulators and drug manufacturers. 


"We have never seen this," a well-placed government official with direct knowledge of the shortage said on condition of anonymity. "Wait, what was the question again? Can you repeat the question?" 


Caught in between are millions of children and adults who rely on the pills to help them stay focused and calm. Shortages, particularly of cheaper generics, have become so endemic that some patients say they worry almost constantly about availability, forcing them to pop anxiety medications as well.
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