Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Apple Cultists Popping Ritalin Ahead of iPad3 Unveiling

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Psychiatrists are doling out attention-deficit drugs in record numbers to cultists consumed over the latest iPad that Apple is set to unveil next month, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the most exhaustive analysis of its kind, psychiatrists across the globe are writing an unprecedented number of Ritalin and other prescriptions to members of the Cult of Mac to calm their anticipation of a device that is rumored to feature a high-definition 2048 x 1536 "retina display" and possibly 4g internet connectivity.

It was the first increase in demand for attention-deficit drugs following the October death of Apple chief Steve Jobs.

Many of the attention-deficit prescriptions are being given to the so-called Apple Fanboys to help control themselves over thoughts of whether they should begin standing in line at their local Apple store in hopes of being the first to purchase the ground-breaking device, which could go on sale perhaps as early as March 7.

A large number of cultists have also been medicated to help calm anxieties over their never-ending thoughts of whether the iPad3 will sport a camera capable of recording 1080p video, whether the device's battery life would be improved, and whether the iPad would be a millimeter thinner and an ounce lighter in weight.

Analysts were quick to blast the analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, accusing it of not being the most exhaustive analysis of its kind.

"This report, by accident or not, leaves out critical information on whether the pills are being distributed to Apple cultists consumed about the new iPad's internal processor," American Psychiatric Association spokesman Linda Sustantivo said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's a big deal whether the iPad will sport a dual-core or quad-core A6 processor. What was TheYellowDailyNews thinking?"

Meantime, as the new iPad launch date nears, an increasingly large number of the Apple cult are checking themselves into mental institutions because they simply cannot cope with anticipation about whether the iPad will come in white, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
Photo: marindow.fowler/Flickr

Tuesday, February 14, 2012 Terminates 'God-Awful-Looking Ugly' Daters' Memberships

DALLAS, Texas -- (TYDN) Online dating company is dropping memberships to millions of customers deemed "God-awful-looking ugly," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Hazel Feawich is outraged by's policy
The decision by the Dallas-based online dating site, with 20 million members, means 19,999,999 customers are expected to be terminated from the service Tuesday afternoon, on Valentine's Day.

Gary Kremen, the site's founder, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the decision was based on complaints from its members that they were being hooked up with "God-awful-looking ugly people who couldn't get a date anywhere else."

"We take those complaints seriously. So we reviewed our site and discovered that, indeed, it was full of God-awful-looking ugly people," Kremen said. "We don't want to be known as the dating site for God-awful-looking ugly people."

The revamped site will prevent God-awful-looking ugly people from joining by employing patented image filters to block God-awful-looking ugly people from uploading their God-awful-looking ugly pictures to the site, according to at least three well-placed officials with direct knowledge of the new technology who told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Hazel Feawich, a 53-year-old customer who was terminated from the site on accusations of being "God-awful-looking ugly," told TheYellowDailynews exclusively that she was outraged by the news, which means she'll be alone on Valentine's Day.

"It simply shocks the conscience," she said, "that this site is preventing me from dating somebody who is God-awful-looking ugly."

Photo: patrick h. lauke

Monday, February 13, 2012

Whitney Houston Still Dead

Whitney Houston 1986 Photo: tm_0001

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. -- (TYDN) Whitney Houston, who ruled as pop music's queen until her majestic voice and regal image were ravaged by drug use, erratic behavior and a tumultuous marriage to singer Bobby Brown, is still dead. She was 48, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Houston's body was found Saturday in her 4th floor room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel here. As of Monday, multiple sources with direct knowledge of Houston still being dead told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that Houston was still dead, and that an autopsy was being conducted to determine the cause of Houston still being dead.

That Houston was still dead was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Monday.

Two people who are members of Houston's family said the singer's body will be taken home to New Jersey late Monday for a funeral to be held at week's end, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The two spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they weren't authorized to speak for the family and funeral arrangements weren't complete.

Now that Houston is confirmed still dead, the Houston family members said Houston's family has raised the possibility of holding a wake Thursday and funeral Friday at Newark's Prudential Center, according to these well-placed Houston family members with direct knowledge of the funeral planning who requested anonymity and were granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because the Houston family did not authorize these Houston family members to speak to TheYellowDailyNews.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

CIA Demands Apple Disable Siri From Speaking Persian

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Fearing a wave of iPhone-assisted terror plots, the Central Intelligence Agency is pressuring Apple Inc. to disable its popular smartphone voice-assistant, Siri, from speaking Persian, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The agency believes Siri, if widely adopted by the Taliban or other Middle Eastern terrorists, also likely would be used to automatically remind terrorists to commit jihad. The Siri technology -- well-placed CIA officials told TheYellowDailyNews late Thursday -- is already providing Middle Eastern-based terrorists the directions and locations to carry out suicide-bomb plots.

According to these CIA officials who requested anonymity and were granted anonymity by  TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the intelligence assessment, jihadists could employ Siri to text-message fellow jihadists that they're on their way to committing the next 9/11.

"It simply shocks the conscience that Apple is enabling the iPhone to become a terrorist's assistant that provides suggestions on nearby places to bomb," a top-ranking CIA official briefed on the intelligence told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Christ, the iPhone already informs terrorists about the weather, and now Siri asks terrorists 'what can i help you with.'"

The CIA intelligence assessment is another blow to the Siri technology, which is also coming under widespread fire from civil rights advocates.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

TheYellowDailyNews Acquires TYDN.COM

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Award-winning news source TheYellowDailyNews has acquired to expand its global watchdog reach, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TheYellowDailyNews pressmen celebrate purchase
The purchase of, including its thousands of reporters and editors at 50 news bureaus worldwide, is expected to solidify TheYellowDailyNews as a worldwide news leader, sources inside TheYellowDailyNews told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and were granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

The move comes two months after TheYellowDailyNews purchased the Los Angeles Times and shuttered it without anybody noticing.

Terms of the deal, which included a new printing press and other high-tech patented technology, were not immediately disclosed.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

'Productivity App' Outpaces 'Porno' as Leading Internet Search Term

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Internet users allot more time searching for and downloading productivity apps than they spend actually being productive, a discovery leading several researchers to conclude that the “to-do” applications may be counterproductive and provide a false sense of productivity, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the Gartner’s Group’s study, with a plus or minus margin-of-error rating of 3.5 percent, for the first time highlights that the term “productivity app” is searched more often than “big boobs” and “hotties” on all the major search engines.

“Employers before had to worry that their employees wasted time at work surfing for porn,” Fred Forrester, a productivity app researcher for the Gartner Group, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “Now, we’re seeing a ton of time being wasted searching for, using and downloading productivity apps. Online porn searching and downloading seems so yesterday.”

The research, released by the Gartner Group early Tuesday and provided exclusively to TheYellowDailyNews, also shows for the first time that the average internet surfer spends five hours weekly searching for the ultimate productivity app. They spend another two hours per week moving their “to-dos” from one application to another, and another hour a week cursing that the app won’t sink across multiple platforms, such as from a smart phone to a computer.

The apps have names like Tasks, Ultimate Tasks, Tasker, To-do, Ultimate To-do, To-dos, Ultimate To-dos, The List, The Big List, Remember the Bread, and Don’t Forget to Take Out the Trash.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Design Flaw Delays World Trade Center Until 2026

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The agency building the new World Trade Center says a design flaw likely means the project won't be complete until 2026, a decade later than originally planned, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The World Trade Center here in Lower Manhattan was attacked and destroyed by al-Qaida operatives who hijacked airplanes and crashed them into its towers on Sept. 11, 2001, killing thousands. Following the devastation, the United States invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, stripped U.S. citizens of many civil liberties and declared a global war on terrorism.

In response to the Port Authority's announcement that it had forgotten to build bathrooms and install plumbing for the 90-story structure, President Barack Obama said Wednesday the delay only underscores America's resolve against terrorism.

"That it will only take 25 years to erect a building shows that America can never be defeated, and that no matter what happens, America will rebuild expeditiously," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.