Thursday, October 9, 2014

ISIS To Field Olympic Team At 2016 Summer Games

KOBANI, along the Syria-Turkey border—(TYDN) The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, is to announce Thursday it is fielding an Olympic team for the 2016 summer games in Brazil, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Team ISIS, as it has been secretly called among its militant athletes, has been training clandestinely for the Rio De Janeiro games while engaged in massive sectarian violence here and in Iraq—while also defending itself from attacks by a United States-led military coalition.

Analysts said that, if ISIS survives the coalition bombings, it would be the 5,000th time a terror nation has entered an Olympic games.

Team ISIS badminton player practices in secret Syrian hideout. Photo: llee_wu/TYDN
What's more, analysts, who have been monitoring ISIS' sporting activities, suggest the terror nation could medal in several sports.

"They have this one guy, whose name I cannot even pronounce or spell, who is among the fiercest badminton players the world has ever seen," said Syrian sports agent Louis Anstein. "They've also got a few golfers who make Tiger Woods look like a novice."

Team ISIS sponsors include Royal Dutch Shell, Exxon Mobil, Chevron, BP, and ConocoPhillips.

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Monday, October 6, 2014

Oakland Raiders Narrowly Avoid Loss In Bye Week

OAKLAND—(TYDN) Oakland Raiders fans and the team exulted after the NFL franchise narrowly escaped a loss on Sunday during the team's bye week, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

New head coach, Tony Sparano, told reporters that the Raiders barely escaped another loss despite the team not playing Sunday.

An empty Oakland Coliseum played host to a near bye-week Raiders loss Sunday. Photo: Mitsy Mcgoo/TYDN
"This goes to show the Raider Nation is back in black with pride," Sparano said at a news conference here. "We almost fumbled it away, but we stayed the course."

Meanwhile, police arrested as many as 100 revelers downtown here celebrating the Raiders lack of a loss. It was the worst rioting connected to a near bye-week loss following last year's near bye-week collapse.

The 0-4 Raiders play host Sunday to the 4-1 San Diego Chargers. Caesar's Palace opened Monday morning with a betting line of San Diego giving 49 points.

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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Obama Lookalike In Syria To Rally Anti-ISIS Fighters

Al-BOUKAMAL, Syria—(TYDN) A President Barack Obama body double arrived here Thursday to rally U.S.-armed militants fighting ISIS—the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The militants—who have come from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates—don't know it's a presidential body double. Administration officials said the ploy was necessary to assist the president's anti-terror agenda without putting the real president in danger.

"These militants in Syria are all too consumed with the free weapons the U.S. has been throwing at them, too busy beating their women and treating them like second-class citizens and committing other heinous jihad to even notice that it's not the real president," a well placed Obama administration official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "And, there's plenty of news coverage that it's not the real Obama."

President Barack Obama lookalike rallies U.S.-armed militants in Syria. Photo: Justin Sloan/TYDN
Analysts said it was the third time Obama has engaged in such tactics. The last times were in 2008 and 2012, when he won election.

"This bold move of sending a lookalike to Syria resembles his election and re-election campaigns," Stanford University political scientist Jed Zenstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's a beautiful blending of the surreal, politics and deceit."

Obama and his Middle Eastern allies last month commenced bombing targets here in Syria in a bid to knock out ISIS, the United States' latest enemy in the region and a foe given birth to by America's Iraq invasion under Obama's predecessor, President George W. Bush.

At a Rose Garden news conference Sept. 24, the president said the latest offensive in the Middle East "will bring peace to the region in an expedited fashion by 2099."

Sources familiar with the lookalike told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the life insurer of Obama's body double has withdrawn its policy and refunded all paid premiums.

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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

iPhone Owners Hate The Poor More Than Android Owners

PRINCETON, N.J.—(TYDN) The world's first survey into which mobile phone owners hate the poor more concluded late Wednesday that the winners are iPhone owners, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Android users came in second place to hating the poor. Window's mobile phone owners took third, according to an exhaustive survey of 500,000 cell-phone owners conducted by Princeton University researchers.

"What we have found was that, of mobile phone users, those with iPhones despised the poor more," Princeton statistician Leslie VonStein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This study, overall, shows there's a clear correlation to what type of mobile phone you use and how much you hate the poor."

Photo: Sean/TYDN
Analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said it was the first time researchers have quantified their suspicions that iPhone owners hated the poor more than any other type of mobile phone user.

The survey, however, did not answer the question of why iPhone owners hated the poor more.

Experts unaffiliated with the survey, which had a plus-or-minus error rating of 3 percentage points, offered some explanations.

"Isn't it obvious why iPhone owners hate on the poor more," Smith Barney mobile-phone analyst Clay Fishstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Other analysts weren't so sure and questioned the survey's findings.

"A different survey from Princeton just last week found that Android users hated those infected with ebola more than did iPhone users," Harvard University urban studies professor Riba Lorstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This just doesn't seem to add up."

About half the world's population lives on less than $2.50 a day and 80 percent under $10 daily.

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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Holder Replacement: GOP Wants Judges, Cabinet Members To Be Named Later

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Senate Republican leaders are demanding five judgeships—and two cabinet members to be named later—to allow President Barack Obama to pick whomever he wishes to succeed Attorney General Eric Holder, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Holder announced his resignation last week, and the Senate confirmation process of Obama's successor has spiraled into contentiousness, with each political party seeking leverage, despite the president not even naming a replacement yet.

Photo: Chris Coleman/TYDN
"The back room horse trading happening here makes a day of stakes racing at Santa Anita look like child's play," one Republican strategist told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "It's all about the good of America. But make no mistake, if we don't get what we want, we'll do whatever we can to thwart Obama's AG pick."

Republicans say they are willing to allow a Senate confirmation to go ahead before January, despite the Nov. 4 midterm elections possibly giving Republicans nearly total control of the outcome. That will happen, however, only if Democrats who now control the Senate privately agree to approve five federal judgeships vetted by Republicans and two Republican-vetted cabinet members to be named later, according to operatives from both parties who have been briefed on the matter and who told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Democratic strategists were outraged over the demands.

"This is going to be the first real test, whether it's in the lame-duck or early in the new year, whether our Republican colleagues are going to continue to obstruct," a well-placed Democratic strategist told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Every president deserves to have his attorney general. Still, we might settle for three judgeships and one cabinet member to be named later."

Congressional leaders, meanwhile, said they hope to pass their first piece of legislation this year by year's end, according to well-placed operatives familiar with the matter who told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

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Monday, September 29, 2014

Local Man In Hot Water For Not Noticing Wife's Haircut

PHOENIX—(TYDN) A 37-year-old local man here was forced to sleep on the couch Sunday when his wife became angry he hadn't noticed a major revision to her hairdo for weeks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The man, a stone mason contractor, was under fire from his wife of eight years for not noticing that she had 2 feet cut off of her strawberry colored hair.

Analysts said it was the worst failure by Jared Jimstein of not noticing his wife since the year before, when she stopped wearing eyeglasses and got contact lenses. He discovered his wife no longer wore glasses when she asked him "what color were her eyes?" and he had to check.

In the latest debacle, which some analysts are dubbing hairdo-gate, Jimstein said he was enjoying his day off Sunday, relaxing and watching sports on his big-screen television.

"I mean, I was just sitting on the couch, having a few beers and some chips watching football, and she just started yelling at me for not noticing her new hairdo," Jimstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And when I told her I would discuss it with her at halftime, she went through the roof. What's up on that?"

His wife, Charlotte, a 35-year-old bookkeeper, could not be reached for comment.

Jared Jimstein is taking it in stride, however.

"I never realized how comfortable my couch was to sleep on," he said. "And I get to watch as much ESPN SportsCenter as I want without being nagged to turn it off or down."

Photo top by Brian Henry Thompson/TYDN. Bottom photo by Mary-Lynn/TYDN.

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Friday, September 26, 2014

Keep New iPhone Out Of Pockets To Avoid Bending, Apple Says

CUPERTINO, Calif.—(TYDN) Apple chief Tim Cook said Friday that the best method of protecting the iPhone 6 Plus from bending is to refrain from putting it in your pocket, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Cook, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, was responding to widespread hysteria that Apple's latest 5.5-inch iPhone bends when crammed into a back pants pocket or a skinny jeans pocket.

Photo: Martin Hajek/TYDN
"These devices were meant to look gorgeous and to function even more gorgeously," Cook said. "Putting it in your pocket hides this gorgeousness."

Analysts said it was the second time the Cupertino-based technology concern acknowledged a user-error problem with one of its flagship devices.

Dubbed by the blogosphere as "bend-gate" and "Bendghazi," the buzz harkens to 2010, during another Apple hysteria scare called "antenna-gate" with the iPhone 4.

Cook's predecessor,  Steve Jobs, at the time said the alleged reception problems with the then-best-selling gadget could be alleviated if users "speak slower, clearer and louder."

"People just need to learn to use the device in a certain way, to speak slower, clearer and louder," Jobs told TheYellowDailyNews in a 2010 exclusive interview. "The phone's users are its only design flaw."

Cook, following Jobs' footsteps, recommended a hack of sorts for iPhone 6 Plus users who must keep their new phones in the pocket.

Umpire models new iPhone 6 Plus carrying pockets. Photo: Corey Templeton/TYDN
"We recommend that these people, who wish to conceal the gorgeousness that the new iPhone is, purchase an umpire baseball bag. It straps to your belt and is big enough for a dozen baseballs," Cook said. "Apple branded umpire baseball bags are now available online and at Apple retail stores everywhere for just $129."

Cook's move is right out of the Steve Jobs playbook. Jobs, during "antenna-gate," told iPhone 4 users that if they were unable to use the phone "correctly," they could purchase a $25, 1-inch-long black strip of electrical tape to cover the lower left corner of the device to assist its reception.

Apple sold 10 million new iPhones last weekend when they debuted.

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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Derek Jeter "Over" Constant Farewell Tributes

NEW YORK—(TYDN) The soon-to-retire Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter said Thursday he had grown tired of what amounted to his 10,000th farewell tribute the night before here against the Orioles, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Jeter, who is playing his final and 20th Major League Baseball season, has been the subject of a tribute before each game this year, after each game, and whenever he comes to bat, makes a play, comes on to the field, leaves the field or spits on it. ESPN has aired at least 1,000 farewell specials of the 40-year-old's forthcoming retirement.

Photo: Wikipedia/TYDN
"Jesus Christ already," Jeter said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews after being honored with another tribute immediately after adjusting his jockstrap at the plate. "The tribute I got when I came out of the bathroom after I took a dump at Yankee Stadium was a little much. I'm kinda over this."

Fans and the media, however, can't get enough of the Jeter goodbyes. There's only a few more games left of the season and his career.

"That might have been his last dump as a pro baseball player, so we had to pay homage to that," ESPN analyst John Holstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

ESPN has come under fire, however, for censoring one of its in-game tributes.

Jeter was on first base, picked his nose and the game stopped in celebration that it might be the last time he dug for gold while on first. But ESPN ignored it, and treated the episode like a fan running on the field and didn't broadcast it.

In an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews, ESPN said it had aired tributes to Jeter after he picked his nose on second base, third base, and after sliding home.

"The failure of ESPN to pay homage to what would amount to Mr. Jeter's last time picking his nose on first base is regrettable," ESPN said.

Sports Illustrated is said to feature ESPN's missed opportunity on its next cover photo.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

With Latest U.S. Offensive, Obama Sees Peace In Middle East By 2099

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) President Barack Obama, fresh from commencing a bombing campaign in Syria to knock out Islamic State in Iraq and Syria and al Qaeda militants, said peace should be fully restored to the region by 2099.

"Let there be no mistake, my latest Middle East bombing campaign against militants, and the collateral damage of civilians, will bring peace to the region in an expedited fashion by 2099," Obama said at a Rose Garden news conference here early Wednesday.

The USS Philippine Sea launches a missile, as seen from the aircraft carrier USS George H.W. Bush. Photo: TYDN.
Democrats exulted behind what many operatives were calling the president's "bold" assertion that he could bring peace to the region so quickly. Republicans countered, however, suggesting that Obama's military campaign was a political farce.

"This 2099 self-imposed deadline is nothing but politics and is a lofty goal designed to sway voters to the Democrats' side for the upcoming November elections," a well placed Republican strategist familiar with the bombing campaign told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

A U.S.-led military coalition launched as many as 200 strikes Tuesday in two dozen targets in Syria, many in Boukamal adjacent to the Syria-Iraq border. Human rights activists said as many as 10 strikes were launched early Wednesday in the same area.

The U.S. Central Command said Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates participated in or supported the ongoing strikes.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

EXCLUSIVE: Employee Expense-Reimbursement Software Purposefully Difficult To Use

NEW YORK—(TYDN) Software programs millions of employers provide their employees to log into to recoup their out-of-pocket, work-related expenses is designed to make the reimbursement process  difficult or impossible, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an exhaustive and exclusive investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, millions of workers have chosen to bypass using the flawed software and have eaten the expenses themselves, valued at billions of dollars annually. The investigation found that some of the biggest names in tech, who produce great consumer products, built flawed expense-reporting software at the request of businesses whose main goal was to further cheat their employees.

The investigation concluded that the tech sector received tens of millions in kickbacks from industry to  produce the fraudulent software.

"How else could it be explained that some of the tech sector's best names in the business that offer great consumer products produce absolutely unusable expense-reimbursement software," TheYellowDailyNews investigation concluded. "It's explained by back room deals and kickbacks to employers."

Frustrated with reimbursement software, this worker became a serial killer. Photo: Sybren Stüvel/TYDN
The Federal Trade Commission was said to be on its way to Silicon Valley to probe the matter. But FTC investigators were unable to manipulate their employee software to book flights and to get reimbursed for their previous airfare and hotel expenses.

"Federal Trade Commission investigators are unable to even log into their expense-reimbursement software to even begin an inquiry to determine whether the software is fraudulent," the FTC said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "Plus, the federal government and much of industry signed non-disclosure agreements preventing a public discussion about the allegedly fraudulent software."

Several employees interviewed by TheYellowDailyNews said they would often not even bother to try to recoup their expenses because the software would either fail or not be worth the frustration.

"I had several taxi rides and meals that I decided not to claim because the software is such a piece of crap," one worker in the media space told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of fear of retribution from his employer.

That worker, and dozens of others interviewed exclusively by TheYellowDailyNews, said they recoup their expenses in other ways.

"That's what the sick day is for," one worker said.

Another employee said that, on Fridays her employer allows her to "work" from home.

"That's when I do laundry, dust and vacuum and take extended 'work' breaks," she said.

Still, other tech-savvy employees have figured out how to manipulate the expense-reimbursement software.

"If I told you how it's done, I'd have to kill you," quipped one employee who just returned from a corporate paid, two-month vacation in the Bahamas.

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Monday, September 22, 2014

Congressional Candidates Accused Of Buying Votes With Bitcoin

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Justice Department is to unveil indictments Monday accusing candidates for Congress and their operatives with buying votes with Bitcoin, in what is believed to be the nation's biggest graft scandal, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The vote-buying investigation comes to light just six weeks before the November elections and is the nation's first involving the crypto-currency Bitcoin, political strategists told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. What's more, the indictments amount to the latest phase of a federal investigation that people familiar with the probe said is blowing a hole in the Washington power structure believed built through Bitcoin payments to voters, lobbyists, politicians, judges and the federal bureaucracy.

Photo: Wally Gobetz/TYDN
Less-Internet savvy voters were rewarded with with cocaine, marijuana or hard cash, insiders told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to talk to the media.

Political scientists said in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews that the latest political debacle even surpassed the scandal in 2000, when the Supreme Court handed George W. Bush the presidency over Al Gore despite wide-ranging vote-counting irregularities.

In the latest political mess, the authorities declined to identify the accused, but have scheduled a 3 p.m. news conference to announce the conclusion of the investigation that included the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Department of Homeland Security, sources with direct knowledge of the scandal told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

"Some candidates had such wanton disregard for the law," an FBI source connected to the case told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, "that they even tried to buy votes of dead people with Bitcoin."

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Friday, September 19, 2014

Four Dead in Ohio Apple Store iPhone 6 Rampage

CLEVELAND—(TYDN) As many as four people were killed and dozens injured early Friday at an Apple retail store here when inventory of iPhones ran out and opening-day sales came to an abrupt halt—setting off rioting, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Firefighters were responding to a five-alarm fire, allegedly set with a Molotov cocktail thrown from the rampaging crowd. The entire Apple retail store was consumed by fire, witnesses told TheYellowDailyNews. SWAT teams and the US National Guard were rushing to the scene to quell the melee. All the while, thousands of would-be iPhone purchasers were clashing with each other, Apple sales clerks and with baton-wielding police.

Photo: Remo Cassella/TYDN
It was the worst violence involving a new Apple product following the 2012 opening-day sales mob in which 5 people were killed at an Apple retail outlet in San Francisco that had run out of iPads.

Witnesses to the Cleveland disaster said things were running smoothly when Apple opened its downtown retail store's doors at an unusually early time of 6 a.m. But at about 6:30 a.m., supplies of the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus had dried up, leaving a throng of angry consumers without Apple's newest product.

"It was kinda like a cross between a Somali food distribution center and the Los Angeles rights," witness Delphia Melfstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Melfstein, who was airlifted to a local hospital for smoke inhalation, said she saw a mob leap the sales counter and began assaulting Apple store clerks and demanding Apple sell them iPhones.

"But then there was all this smoke and fire," Melfstein said, "and everybody just ran."


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Thursday, September 18, 2014

Rumored Tech "Project" Rumored To Be A Rumor

SAN JOSE, Calif.—(TYDN) A tech company's rumored far-reaching "project" is rumored not to exist anymore, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The alleged project's existence first began making its way across the Web a few months ago. But new rumors surfaced Thursday suggesting the original rumors were rumors.

The bungling rumored tech company is rumored to be located below in Silicon Valley. Photo: Peter Thoeny/TYDN
The revaluation that the rumor was just a rumor spun heads from Silicon Valley to Wall Street. And the latest rumors poked a needle through a nation that was sitting in anticipation of this rumored tech company's rumored project, according to several sources familiar with the newest rumor who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

Analysts, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews, suggested Thursday's rumors were a blow to the rumored tech company. These analysts suggested the rumored company cannot innovate or even stay on track of its rumored business plan it was rumored to have shown a rumored venture capital firm.

"The rumor mill on this rumored tech company is only gonna get louder with this new rumor," said Mary Stockstein, a Smith Barney market analyst. "At least that's according to the latest rumors."

Jay Johns, the rumored spokesman for the rumored tech company, did not immediately return a call from TheYellowDailyNews seeking comment on the rumored project's rumored demise.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

At 0-2, Oakland Raiders Fans Already Looking to Next Season

OAKLAND, Calif.—(TYDN) Fans of the Oakland Raiders said Wednesday they are anxious for this terrible season to end and are already gloating that next season will be "their year," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Fans, called the Raider Nation, gave up on the Raiders earlier than usual this season, just after the second game. That's because, in the words of Raiders defensive back Charles Woodson, the Raiders "suck." Usually, the Raider Nation pulls the plug at around game 6 or 7 and then begins glorifying the next season.

Raiders fans in the "Back Hole" are anxious to get the season over with. Photo: Julie, Dave & Family/TYDN
Coach Dennis Allen was delighted that so many fans were feeling so good about next year.

"It's definitely going to be their year," Allen said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We have lofty expectations for the team next season."

The last time the team made the playoffs was 2002. The last time they won a Super Bowl was in 1983, when they were in Los Angeles.

Fans said the team needs some minor tinkering to be a Super Bowl contender next season.

"All they need is a new coaching staff, an ownership change, a quarterback, an offensive line, some running backs and a defense,"  Black Hole season ticket holder Miles Miltstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.  "I'm so stoked for next season."

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Obama Blasts Newest Terrorist Group for Having Too Many Names

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) President Barack Obama chided Tuesday the militants from Syria who have just taken over parts of Iraq, saying they have breached international war rules by not settling on a single name, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the modern-day confusion over identifying the country's terror enemies first began in 2001. That's when there was, and still is, no consensus on whether Al-Qaeda, Al-qaeda, Al Qaeda, Al qaeda, Al-Qaida, Al Qaida, al-Qaida or al Qaida carried out the 9/11 attacks on behalf of Usama Bin Laden or Osama Bin Laden.

"This is another reason why we need to take down this terror group. Is it ISIS, ISIL, Islamic State or something else," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is an unacceptable breach of international war norms."

Military strategists said the President Barack Obama administration should work toward a unified vision on how the country's latest enemy should be named.

"Once you get the public to agree on who your enemy is, it's a much easier public sale to wage war," Yale University war historian Angela Brewstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "The public doesn't usually need to know more than the fact that there is a consensus on what to call your enemy."

The militants often call themselves the Islamic State. The Obama administration labels them ISIL and many news organizations call them ISIS.

The acronyms stand for Islamic State in Iraq and for one other disputed word called "al-Sham." The word can be translated to "Syria" — meaning the group is called ISIS. However,  The term "al-Sham" can also reference a region encompassing Syria, Lebanon, Turkey and Jordan known as Greater Syria or the "Levant"—meaning the acronym is ISIL.

TheYellowDailyNews' editorial policy is ISIS, according to an editorial board memo from TheYellowDailyNews that was obtained by TheYellowDailyNews.

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Monday, September 15, 2014

NFL Urges Players Not To Get Caught Abusing Family Members

CANTON, Ohio—(TYDN) The NFL issued an emergency communiqué to players and coaches Monday, cautioning them not to get caught abusing members of their family, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The communication also recommends to players that, if they do abuse family members, they shouldn't text-message about it and they should make sure that the abuse isn't being recorded by surveillance cameras, according to the memo, signed by Commissioner Roger Goodell and obtained by TheYellowDailyNews.

The development comes amid a world-wind of events that rocked the NFL last week. First, a video surfaced showing running back Ray Rice punching his wife. Then on Friday, the Minnesota Vikings benched running back Adrian Peterson, indicted for allegedly beating his 4-year-old son with a branch and then sending text messages about it.

Before the Rice tape became public, the NFL suspended Rice for two games for the beating of the woman who would later marry him. But once a tape of his punch leaked online, the NFL permanently barred the Baltimore Ravens star from the NFL.

"These recent events should be a reminder that the NFL has a zero-tolerance policy if you get caught on tape punching, slapping, backhanding, molesting, and/or hitting a family member with a branch," Goodell's one-page memo said.

A police report obtained by Houston radio station KILT said Peterson admitted that he did "whoop" his 4-year-old son with a switch, even hitting the boy's scrotum. According to the report:
Peterson also allegedly said via text message to the child’s mother that he "felt bad after the fact when I notice the switch was wrapping around hitting I (sic) thigh” and also acknowledged the injury to the child’s scrotum in a text message, saying, "Got him in nuts once I noticed. But I felt so bad, n I’m all tearing that butt up when needed! I start putting them in timeout. N save the whooping for needed memories!" In further text messages, Peterson allegedly said, "Never do I go overboard! But all my kids will know, hey daddy has the biggie heart but don’t play no games when it comes to acting right."
In a statement, the NFL told TheYellowDailyNews that it was mulling whether Peterson should be suspended or barred from the league.

"It is absolutely unacceptable," the NFL statement said, "to send text messages about whacking your son in the scrotum with a branch."

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Friday, September 12, 2014

9/11 Forgotten As Nation Ponders Which iPhone Model to Buy

NEW YORK—(TYDN) From the new World Trade Center here to the San Diego beaches, 9/11 anniversary memorials were few and far between Thursday as a nation instead wondered together about which iPhone model they would buy when sales start early Friday, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

It was the first time since terrorists attacked the United States on Sept. 11, 2001 that there were virtually no anniversary memorials anywhere, not even at the original New York target, the World Trade Center.

Decision time. Photo: Apple/Special to TYDN
Experts told TheYellowDailyNews in a series of interviews that they didn't view it as an indication that there has been a reduction in Americans' patriotism. Instead, many Americans were just simply overwhelmed by the decision they were confronted with: either buying iPhone 6 or the iPhone 6 Plus.

"Online purchasing begins Friday, and supplies aren't expected to last. So you can see why the masses aren't preoccupied with an event in US history that would forever change the world stage and create endless war," said New York University political scientists Cal Mrongstein, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The American Psychology Association said that many of its suicide hotlines have been ringing off the hook.

"Many of the callers are really frightened that they might make the wrong choice by picking the wrong iPhone," Hanna Fronzmingle, an association spokesman, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Our staff has been trained to assure these callers that either choice they make will be amazing."

Fronzmingle also said many other callers are simply "freaking out."

"Then there's this whole group of other people," she said, "who worried that they're not sure they have the mental capacity to refrain from freaking out once they get their hands on either of these iPhone models."

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Thursday, September 11, 2014

TYDN Poll: Which Political Party Will "Destroy" America First?

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) A survey conducted for TheYellowDailyNews found Thursday that Americans believe Democrats or Republicans likely would "destroy" America no matter which party takes control of the Senate following the November midterm elections, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

A telephone survey of 5,000 likely voters, conducted by ABCD Polling for TheYellowDailyNews, concluded that Americans believe that whichever politicians assume power will finish their terms with the country being worse off.

Photo: BKL/TYDN
"Our results showed that Americans believe politicians who are Republicans or Democrats likely will destroy America," ABCD Polling researcher Riena Rollpien said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Voters simply felt there was a disconnect between lawmakers and the public, but not special interests."

Analysts, however, questioned the findings of the poll, which had a margin-of-error rating of plus or minus 3 percentage points.

These analysts were suspicious of the number of people ABCD Polling said it polled.

"We find it almost beyond the realm of belief that ABCD Polling found 5,000 people who even knew the mid-term elections were upcoming," said UC Berkeley political scientist Bruce Lamgstein, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

TheYellowDailyNews said in a statement obtained by TheYellowDailyNews that it has asked ABCD Polling to turn over its data to be examined by a third-party mediator.

"We here at TheYellowDailyNews were suspicious with the 5,000 number at the outset, but ABCD Polling assured us the number was legitimate," TheYellowDailyNews said. "When the third-party mediator finishes its examination, TheYellowDailyNews will publish the findings."

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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

11 Tech Writers Killed in Stampede to Cover iPhone, iWatch Unveiling

CUPERTINO, Calif—As many as 11 tech writers were killed as they rushed into the Flint Performing Arts Center in Apple's hometown here to cover the unveiling of two new iPhones and the iWatch, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Sources said that the moment the center opened its gates Tuesday, a massive throng tried to enter at the same time—every reporter hoping to be among the world's first to get seated at an event that would showcase the world's most wonderful devices.

It was the largest number of reporters killed at the same time following the 2012 trampling of 10 tech writers trying to report about the unveiling of the iPhone 5.

The first emergency responders arriving to witness the media carnage. Photo: Keith Ivey/Special to TYDN
Because of the carnage, Apple representatives nearly called off the unveiling of the new iPhone 6, the iPhone 6 Plus and the iWatch. But Apple, fearing more media deaths, showed courage and went ahead with its keynote to announce the planet's greatest products, according to Apple insiders briefed on the matter.

At least 75 other reporters were rushed by ambulance to local hospitals—some of them in critical condition.

Media experts said the carnage could have been avoided. That's because Apple did not issue assigned seating to the media as mandated recently by the Federal Trade Commission. Instead, Apple's invitation to the press gave reporters "general admission" seating, and set off a free for all once the doors opened.

"This absolutely shocks the conscience that Apple, having lost 10 tech reporters in 2012, today still sends out its invites to the press as 'general admission' seating," said Stanford University sociologist Jane Havelstein, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This just doesn't make any sense at all."

The FTC and Apple declined comment.

Many of the tech writers who made their way inside the event unscaved didn't even know they trampled some of their competitors. Others said it was their job to report the news regardless of the consequences.

"I feel really bad for their families," one reporter fondling the new iPhone 6 told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "But this is really, really the most gorgeous device I've ever felt."

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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Supreme Court Justices Upgrade Tech To Commodore 64

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) When the Supreme Court's justices returned to work here Tuesday, they were greeted to find atop their desks new technology—the Commodore 64, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

A court spokesman said the move to the Commodore 64, which debuted in the 1980s and remains the world's highest-selling computer, was a massive upgrade from the justices' manual typewriters, pagers and fax machines. Sources familiar with the upgrade said the justices would also be given Internet access for the first time.

Chief Justice John Roberts' new tech setup. Photo: Steve Petrucelli/TYDN
Analysts said the justices move to start using the Internet, even if by dial-up modem technology, could help them better understand disputes involving technology.

"It's like, when the court upholds giant sentences for schmucks sharing kiddie porn on the Internet, the justices will at least have had some minimal exposure to the Internet and have a vague idea of what the Internet is," Harvard University high court scholar Jonas Grongstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Sources familiar with the court's tech upgrade told TheYellowDailyNews that court staff decided not to provide the justices with smart phones. The plan to give them iPhones was scrapped amid fears the justices would be unable to power on the devices or keep them powered.

"We decided that the justices' clerks had better things to do," a high court insider told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "It's really sad because the iPhone is so gorgeous, too."

Other court insiders said that, during briefings about how the Internet works, many of the justices were getting confused by the term servers and kept thinking dinner was ready for them.

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