Monday, October 3, 2016

Trump says he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Clinton

PUEBLO, Colo.—(TYDN) Donald Trump, the GOP presidential candidate, issued his harshest criticism yet of his campaign rival, saying Monday he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Hilary Clinton, the Democratic nominee for president, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"She is so terrible that I wouldn't waste my Viagra on her, even if she were the last woman alive, and I use that term, woman, loosely," said Trump, to huge applause from supporters here at the Pueblo Convention Center. "Presidential. You call that presidential. How can you call her presidential when nobody wants to touch her with a 10-foot pole. And I won't even bring up the Monica Lewinsky scandal."
Illustration: wetwebwork

Later in the day, Trump's comments bumped him about 5 points in national polls conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, bringing the Nov. 8 race to a dead heat. Analysts expected Trump to surge in the polls even more in the coming days in the wake of what many are calling "Viagra-gate."

"Ever since last week's debate, everybody has been saying that Clinton played Trump for a fool, that she led him down a path of no return, and they were right," Harvard University elections scholar Ted Milenstien told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "But now I think the tables have turned, and that Clinton can't deny Trump's Viagra-gate accusations. She's got her work cut out for her."

The development, analysts told TheYellowDailyNews, is certain to consume the campaign agenda just a month away from Election Day 2016. Trump's tax returns, him not paying taxes, his bankruptcies, his Cuba dealings and his comb over aren't likely to be an issue anymore. What's more, Clinton's e-mail scandal, Benghazi and her sullied record as secretary of state won't be the election hot-button topics anymore, either.

"Viagra-gate is what everybody is going to be focused on until the polls close," Stanford University political scientist, Burn Brenstein, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "The public really wants the candidates to duke it out over the issues, and I think we've finally stumbled upon one."

But Clinton campaign operatives countered Trump.

One well-placed Clinton campaign operative, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that "The billionaire's comments underscore that he's not as big as he thinks he is."

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Clinton, Trump agree not to call each other's supporters "jackasses" on Sept. 11

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, in a tribute to this nation 15 years following the deadliest attacks on US soil, jointly agreed Sunday to commemorate 9/11 by not insulting their rival's supporters for a day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The agreement follows a volley of vitriol from both campaigns that have declared supporters on each side "jackasses," "giant jackasses," and "ginormous jackasses."

In a rare sign of unity, the two candidates issued a joint statement, exclusively to TheYellowDailyNews, explaining that it wouldn't be presidential for them to demean the public on the 15th anniversary of 9/11. "But make no mistake, we'll pick up where we left off the following day," the statement said.
Illustration: DonkeyHotey, for TYDN
Presidential historians said it was the first time candidates for the Oval Office decided not to trade insults following the 2012 elections, when President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney agreed not to declare one another a "gaping jackass" on 9/11.

"What Trump and Clinton are doing is absolutely remarkable: Both are exercising extreme patriotism on this day of remembrance," Harvard University historian Lee Dilstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This brings up memories of the 2012 elections, when Obama and Romney put their political differences aside for the moment and stopped calling each other a 'gaping jackass' on 9/11."

Meantime, a TYDN-CNN poll released Sunday found that 99 percent of Trump supporters thought that voters supporting Clinton were "jackasses beyond belief." The same telephone survey found that 99 percent of Clinton backers believed that voters supporting Trump were "jackasses to no end."

The survey had a 0 percent margin of error.


Thursday, September 8, 2016

Apple says it took "courage" to demand sweatshop workers build iPhones without headphone ports

SAN FRANCISCO (TYDN)— Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller said Wednesday it took "courage" for the technology giant to get enough nerve to demand that the thousands of children enslaved in China factories produce its newest iPhone without a 3.5mm audio port, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The reason to move on: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us," Schiller said onstage here at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, as he announced that the new iPhone 7 would not come with a headphone jack.

"We were concerned that, if the assembly line workers objected, we would have had no recourse. What could we have done? We had no more room to dock their pay," Schiller said.
Phil Schiller explains "courage"

The 7,000 members of the Apple Faithful covering the iPhone unveiling fell head over heels. After all, Schiller's comments were a clear acknowledgement that Apple was finally taking human rights seriously, analysts said.

Now that Apple is removing the headphone jack, other phone makers will likely follow suit. That's another positive development for Chinese children working 16-hour days at overseas technology factories.

"This is a really great time to be a Chinese factory worker making mobile phones. Think about how much less cancerous dust the workers will have to breathe because they won't have to drill the headphone hole," Tina Stein, a human rights monitor for Amnesty International, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Apple's adoration for its factory workers takes my breath away."

Other analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews agreed—that Apple's decision to remove the headphone jack can only be good for assembly line workers.

"Apple has always been a leader, and now it is leading the charge for protecting the thousands of children who are slaving away building Apple products in dangerous conditions," technology analyst Jon Crackstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let there be no mistake, this is likely to reduce the suicide rate of Apple assembly line workers at the Foxconn sweatshops by 6.79 percent, or more."

Still, other analysts told TheYellowDailyNews that Apple's decision will increase employment opportunities for overseas factory workers. That's because Apple is moving from an open standard to a closed one when it comes to how headphones plug into its iPhone—in this instance via the charging port instead of a headphone jack.

"Think of all the new headphones everybody is gonna have to buy now," Smith-Barney analyst Anita Bornstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Sure, Apple makes magical devices. But all of these new headphones aren't going to be built by magic. This is all about job creation."

Sunday, July 24, 2016

NRA implores its members to stop shooting, killing people

FAIRFAX, Va.—(TYDN) Wayne LaPierre, the National Rifle Association chief executive officer, asked the group's faithful followers Sunday to stop shooting and killing people, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

LaPierre's comments at its national membership meeting in the lobbying group's hometown here follow a recent spate of murders across the globe, in which NRA members sprayed people with bullets for no apparent reason. LaPierre said it was the victims' fault for not wearing bullet-proof vests while out in public. But he also said he's growing tired of having to respond to the almost daily and indiscriminate murdering of non-bullet-proof-vest-wearing innocents.
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre urges members to quit killing people. Photo: TYDN
"It frankly shocks the conscience that people would go out in public and not wear bullet proof clothing knowing that everybody is packing heat because of the NRA's intense lobbying," LaPierre, wearing his Sunday best Kevlar vest, told the faithful here to intense applause. "But you must reduce the number of murders and save your bullets for when the Queen of England comes knocking on your door."

Second Amendment analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that LaPierre's comments face an uphill battle. "There's an estimated 4.5 million NRA members, and you know some of them are unable to just sleep with their weapons," Joel Jarnestein, a Stanford University constitutional scholar, told TheYellowDailyNews.

Jon Smith, a 29-year-old Georgia hog farmer who traveled here for the annual NRA meeting, told TheYellowDailyNews that he'll try to reduce the number of people he kills each year with his automatic rifle. "It's kinda boring just killing pigs with this thing," Smith said. "And my wives want me to stop bringing it to bed with us."

LaPierre's speech, however, underscored a growing discord in the NRA ranks. Many members suggested that LaPierre was kowtowing to the DC elite, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

"If he's now saying we should stop the killing, then I'm having a hard time understanding the NRA's motto of 'guns don't kill people, people do,'" Mark Jones, an Idaho potato farmer, told TheYellowDailyNews here on the convention floor. "It just doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Who is Wayne LaPierre to tell me how I can use my assault rifles."

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Walt Disney Co. Copyrights English Alphabet, Eyes Other Languages

BURBANK, Calif.—(TYDN) The US Copyright Office granted the Walt Disney Co. a copyright to the English alphabet Friday, setting the stage for the entertainment concern to seek licensing agreements with all companies or individuals using any combination of the letters without its permission, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Because of the so-called "Mickey Mouse" doctrine Congress adopted in 1998, Disney's newest copyright will last indefinitely, and take priority on court dockets over other civil and criminal matters.

Analysts said it was the first time an entire language was copyrighted, a move these analysts told TheYellowDailyNews is expected to give the entertainment company even greater control over the English-speaking public. What's more, Disney is expected to expand its language copyright portfolio to other tongues, including the popular languages of Spanish, Japanese, Russian, Mandarin and others.

Several Disney sources, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that Disney, with copyright in hand, is privately negotiating with the White House to rename the United States to "Disneyland." Government sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the name change would soon be announced—a move that was already in the works well before Disney even applied for its alphabet copyright.

TYDN file photo.
Meanwhile, Disney is privately working on deals to purchase several Pacific Northwest paper companies. This, sources familiar with the talks tell TheYellowDailyNews, would enable Disney to have enough paper to print out licensing agreements and lawsuits targeting anybody and everybody using the alphabet without Disney's permission.

"We're not sure if there's enough trees in the Pacific Northwest to meet our needs, but it's a start," a well-placed Disney official, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, exclusively told TheYellowDailyNews. "Just think about how many envelopes we'll need."

These same Disney officials, however, promised they wouldn't abuse the copyright.

They told TheYellowDailyNews that the entertainment giant would soon set up so-called "infringement-free zones" at its US-based theme parks to give park-goers a chance to speak in English without having to pay any licensing fees. For park-goers to qualify to enter these "infringement free zones," they must wear and purchase a $29.99 Mickey Mouse or Minnie Mouse ears hat, these sources said.

"These infringement free zones clearly demonstrate that Disney isn't the copyright maximalist that everybody says it is," a high-ranking Harvard University copyright scholar told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because she feared being sued for speaking without a licensing agreement.

All the while, as news spread of Disney's copyright, which was first reported by TheYellowDailyNews, interest in intellectual property law skyrocketed at US law schools.

Disney's stock soared after the copyright was announced. But trading on the New York Stock Exchange was halted shortly after when the exchange's servers collapsed on record trading volume.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

NRA: Orlando nightclub attack would have been avoided if everyone carried assault rifles

ORLANDO, Fla.—(TYDN)  The National Rifle Association said Saturday that gun control measures were responsible for the Orlando nightclub attack by a lone gunman who killed 49 partygoers, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The nation's biggest gun lobby said that gunman, Omar Mateen, would not have been able to kill 49 people June 12 and wound dozens of others at the Pulse club with an AR-15 assault rifle if everybody in the club was armed with an AR-15 or other weapon.

"Gun control advocates once again have blood on their hands," said DeWayne Pierrovitch, the NRA's chief executive officer, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "There's absolutely no way Mateen would have walked into that club and started shooting everybody if everybody in that club also had an assault weapon. He just would not have done it, and everybody knows that."

TYDN file photo/Joe Loong
Pierrovitch's comments come as the nation mourns the Pulse club's victims amid a renewed debate about gun control. What's more, Second Amendment analysts suggested that the Supreme Court, backed by NRA lobbying, might now declare any form of gun restrictions illegal in the tragedy's wake.

"Jesus Christ, everyday there's another bloodbath in America and it's all because everybody isn't armed with an assault weapon—and that's because the Supreme Court hates America and is in President Barack Obama's pocket," Harvard University scholar Amid Dravovitch told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "It simply shocks the conscience to go out in public and not see everybody, except for the criminals, carrying assault weapons. When will this madness end?"

Family members of the victims expressed outrage, too. Speaking at a downtown vigil here, a mother of one of the dead Pulse victims said she felt responsible, in part, for the tragedy.

"My son was a good man and didn't deserve this," the mother, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I found a stockpile of assault rifles in his closet and made him throw them away."

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Game of Thrones Blonde Woman Does Nude Scene

NEW YORK—(TYDN) That one Game of Thrones blonde woman with long, braided hair was involved in a nude scene in the latest episode, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The nude scene involving the character Daenerys, who is a slave-liberating queen of some place and who has a few fire-breathing dragons, was much anticipated and boosted HBO ratings enormously.

Analysts said it was Daenerys' best nude scene since her last nude scene in season 3, and it came at a pivotal moment in the 6-season-long series.

"Nobody really knows what this show is about anymore, except that there's a few characters that we really want to see naked, and up popped the devil in the latest episode," TV Guide movie critic Jake Jonstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This underscores how absolutely brilliant this show is."

Viewers were elated, too, as the actress was shown nude for several seconds after walking out of a burning hut, unscathed whatsoever.

"This show has got a bunch of pretty people backstabbing each other and trying to rule some place somewhere, and one of these places has a giant wall, and I've been awaiting for Daenerys to get naked for several seasons now," one viewer told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Sure, that other witch-like woman gets naked all the time, but she's no Daenerys."

Other TV critics, however, blasted the show, saying it needed more nude scenes to remain relevant.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Exclusive: Trump Paid $42 in Taxes Last Year

PALM BEACH, Fla.—(TYDN) Donald Trump paid $42 in taxes last year, according to his 2015 tax returns obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
Photo: Gage Skidmore/For TYDN

Trump had refrained from releasing his tax returns amid fears he'd be mocked by the right for paying too much.

Analysts who examined the tax returns that were obtained by TheYellowDailyNews agreed that Trump paid a great deal more in taxes than most of the U.S. elite, and was therefore unfit to be the nation's leader. "What a putz. He's a billionaire and paid that massive amount of taxes," billionaire Steve Forbestein quipped in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "How can he be expected to lead the free world when he cannot even manipulate a balance sheet?"

Despite calls for the Republican to abandon his presidential bid, Trump held steady and said he would challenge the "outrageous" amount of taxes taken from him—all the way to the US Supreme Court if necessary.

Speaking poolside outside his 126-room Mar-a-Lago estate here in Palm Beach, Trump said he would release on the IRS an army of tax attorneys.
Photo: Ken Teegardin/For TYDN

"This is outrageous and shocks the conscience that I paid that inordinate amount of taxes to the Barack Obama administration, which is going to waste my hard earned money on healthcare for the poor," Trump said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Nobody in their right mind believes that this is fair, and you can bet the Supreme Court won't think so, either."

The 2016 Republican National Convention is to be held July 18-21 in Cleveland, Ohio. The GOP faithful are expected to protest against the presumptive nominee by labeling him a tax "overpayor."

Monica Lewinsky, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton, the presumptive presidential nominee for the Democrats, said Trump should end his campaign immediately. "This should leave a bad taste in voters' mouths," Lewinsky told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

URGENT: FDA Declares Donald Trump a Carcinogen

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Food and Drug Administration on Wednesday labeled Donald Trump a deadly carcinogen, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Michael Vadon/For TYDN
The FDA secretly began its investigation following a slew of complaints about Trump's orange coloring, several FDA sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the agency's Trump inquiry.

It's the first time the FDA, which regulates the nation's drugs and food, has declared any substance a carcinogen.

Regulators said they would demand the GOP presumptive presidential nominee to label himself as a cancer-causing agent. The FDA, however, is still arguing internally about the label's wording like whether to demand Trump call himself a "cancer' or "cancerous," according to at least seven FDA sources familiar with the labeling who spoke with TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to publicly speak about the new labeling requirements.

But unlike FDA-warnings on cigarette packaging, which caution smokers that smoking "may" be hazardous to one's health, FDA regulators have agreed in principle that Trump "is" hazardous to the nation's health.

"He is clearly a hazard and we are examining whether Trump is imperiling the United States or the world at large," FDA Commissioner Robert M. Califf told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We had always considered him a 'disease' but a closer examination revealed that he was a carcinogen."

Califf said the agency would conclude by November 8 how big the cancer menace is.

More From TYDN

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Pulitzer committee adds “aggregation” category to journalism prize

NEW YORK —(TYDN) The committee that annually doles out the coveted Pulitzer Prizes added a new category—aggregation—to the list of topics underneath the coveted journalism award umbrella, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Pulitzer Prize Board—consisting of editors, reporters, novelists, writers, artists, and professors—said late Wednesday the new category was necessary because much of the journalism being produced in the Digital Age is aggregated by machines and humans.

"The industry has become an aggregated mishmash of news slop, with everybody regurgitating the next guy, so much so that we would be out of step with the times had we not added this new category," Pulitzer Prize Board member Joanne Blaustein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The move, heralded by the media industry which for years had been pushing for the new category, comes days after a special report by TheYellowDailyNews found that the bulk of news stories the media published was first written by a 16-year-old Rhode Island high school junior who had an uncanny pulse on everything from politics, general news, entertainment, business and opinion.

The Pulitzer Prize Board also said it would bolster the number of prizes doled out to entertainment reporting and entertainment photography, and would discontinue the Pulitzer Prizes for investigative reporting and explanatory journalism.

"What would you rather see online, a bunch of long stories you can barely get through about some lame water crisis in Flint, Michigan, or hot bikini photos of the latest drug-addled celebrity hottie?" asked Johhnny Yellstein, a Pulitzer Prize Board member, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I mean, who cares about some starving people at war in some place you’ve never heard of or will ever go when there's hot movie chicks in bikinis to slobber over."

Pulitzer Board Member Alfonso Goolstein was the sole member of the 18-member committee to vote against the changeover. He resigned after suggesting, instead, that a Pulitzer Prize be doled out to excellence in reporting on world hunger.

Goolstein, eating caviar and drinking Dom Perignon champagne in his Manhattan penthouse, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview he was shocked that he was forced to resign from the Pulitzer Prize Board. "I was just trying to stick up for the hungry and oppressed," he said as he ordered his butler to bring another round of drinks.

Meanwhile, a Pulitzer Prize Board spokeswoman, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity, said the committee has received 9,789,452 nominations for the new Pulitzer Prize in aggregation reporting.

See Also:

Monday, March 7, 2016

Seized iPhone contains clues on how to defeat Monty Python's attack bunny


SAN BERNARDINO—(TYDN) The iPhone used by one of the San Bernardino terrorist shooters in December contains clues to how US terror fighters can defeat the attack bunny first disclosed in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Because the iPhone may contain evidence about the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, the San Bernardino District Attorney, Michael Ramos, is demanding that Apple assist the authorities to defeat the iPhone's passcode lock to enable the authorities to employ brute force tactics and unlock the phone.

"That there are clues that could help us stamp out this attack rabbit, and Apple is sitting idly by, shows that the gadget maker doesn't care about terrorism and instead is abiding by some misplaced marketing strategy," Ramos said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "In addition, there is a lying-dormant cyber pathogen on that phone Sayed Farook owned. He and his wife killed 14 people, and injured scores of others, and Apple doesn't care."

Apple said in a statement that assisting the authorities would weaken its encryption security feature on its coveted iPhones. What's more, the Cupertino, Calif.-based company said the district attorney is exaggerating the threat posed by the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, which Python first disclosed in 1974.

"We believe the district attorney's is grossly inflating the staying power of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog," the company's statement said. "We already told the DA on how he could defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, but he won't listen. We said all he needs is a shotgun."

A hearing on whether Apple must help defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbanog is scheduled for March 22 in a Southern California federal court.

More from TYDN:

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Stocks rally after oil refinery explodes, kills hundreds

TYDN Photo: Pat Joyce
BATON ROUGE, La.—(TYDN) Stocks jumped higher Tuesday, bolstered by an upswing in crude prices, after the nation’s largest oil refinery by daily output exploded, killing hundreds of workers and nearby residents, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Oil traders celebrating explosion. TYDN Photo: thetaxhaven
Analysts said the explosion came at a perfect time. Crude prices have been hovering at modern, all-time lows as the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries continues to rebuff demands to ease output, which would lift prices. With the explosion, 500,000 barrels of oil per day are now out of circulation—prompting an immediate 8 percent spike in crude prices in the disaster’s aftermath.

“Given OPEC’s resistance to production cuts, continued accidents in refineries are our only immediate hope of increasing prices and lifting our portfolio values,” Smith-Barney analyst Blake Jorgstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The market is really fortunate that this explosion came when it did.”

Investigators have not said what sparked the blast here at the ExxonMobil-owned Baton Rouge Refinery. A thick black plume of soot and smoke could be seen miles away from the disaster.

Shares of ExxonMobil, listed on the New York Stock Exchange, rallied 6 percent and were moving higher in after-hours trading.
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