Sunday, March 28, 2010

Pope Urges 'Bygones' in Man-Boy Sex Scandal

by Chester Botherling, TYDN Papal Affairs Writer
VATICAN CITY -- (TYDN) "Bygones," Pope Benedict XVI said during a pre-Easter homily here Sunday as he urged the world to forgive the Catholic Church for running history's largest man-boy child-sex ring, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The pontiff, who spoke in Latin, Italian and English to thousands of worshippers crowded here, urged forgiveness of a church that for centuries sanctioned priests and its elders to rape tens of thousands of innocent young boys.

Pope Benedict XVI said rapist priests
should be praised for not using condoms
Benedict, however, said the church should be applauded for sticking by a key tenet and forbidding its sodomizing priests from using condoms. And just as much as the church deplores homosexuality in its flock, the pope said the church is now adopting that position within its own ranks.

"These homosexual acts by our priests can no longer be tolerated, and for that we seek to let bygones be bygones," the Pope said to a cheering crowd. "But when it came to wearing rubbers, we stood by our conviction that birth control was the Mark of the Beast."

Vatican experts said the speech marked the first time the church has assured its millions of followers that it has been practicing what it was preaching by shunning birth control. Some analysts, however, said that the policy could open a Pandora's box of problems as the church migrates to sexually abusing girls.

Still, the Holy See urged the flock to redeem itself by paying for the church's sins through donating to its Sex-Abuse Legal Settlement Fund.

What's more, Benedict was praised for his candor when he said church members who have been informed of the sex scandal must cleanse themselves of "the sinful and shameful act of thinking about priests sexually exploiting young boys, some of whom were deaf, dumb and blind." The Pope said local churches throughout the world will hold extra collection-plate services Easter Sunday to enable followers to rid their minds of the "shameful thoughts of priests sodomizing frightened boys."

Following the pope's 45-minute homily, the Vatican issued a decree to its hundreds of thousands of parishes to begin adapting after-school "altar girl" programs to reassure the flock of "the church's sincerest promise that it would no longer tolerate unspeakable acts against churchgoers' sons."

Photo: Sam Herd

Friday, March 26, 2010

Gays Exult Over New "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Regs

by Dexter Petzvol, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
KABUL, Afghanistan -- (TYDN) An exhausted Josh Senstein takes a long drag from a Marlboro and stares as the smoke dances into the war-torn sky, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Senstein, a 19-year-old Army private reared on an Iowa corn farm, is gay and was exulting over the military's new and relaxed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

"This vindicates what I've been saying all along: even gays have the right to fight in foreign wars and get our heads blown off just like straight people," Senstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews as he wiped blood from his rifle's bayonet. "I'm not sure what the hell we're doing in this God-forsaken country, or what the hell we're fighting for. But that doesn't matter because it's now OK to be gay in the military."

Senstein's comments echoed those of dozens of gay servicemen and servicewomen TheYellowDailyNews interviewed here Friday in the mean-streets of Kabul, where temperatures where soaring past 100 degrees. The interviews came a day after the Defense Department released regulations that will limit the circumstances under which a service member can be investigated and discharged from the military under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

"When they send me into the next firefight, and whether I'm killed or maimed, I'll know the brass now has my respect and admiration," Jenn Jenolavy, an 18-year lesbian Army private from Walla Walla, Wash. said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "When I'm out here on the streets hunting and being hunted by the Taliban, having firefights with God knows who and defusing bombs left and right, it makes me feel better that our leadership is gaining a newfound respect for gays and lesbians."

The new "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" regulations will have a tangible impact on the thousands of lesbian and gay service members currently serving in silence, under threat of being investigated and discharged. The new regulations raise the level of the commander authorized to initiate a discharge investigation, revise the threshold for third-party allegations and for credible information.

Nowhere were the new regulations more welcomed than here on this Kabul roadside, where 12 U.S. soldiers were killed and eight others maimed by an explosive hidden inside a suicide bomber's jacket. One survivor, James Hollander, a 19-year-old Army private from Birmingham, Ala., said the new "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy removed some of the pain from just losing his left leg from the torso down.

"This is a win-win for us scrubs out here on the front lines," Hollander said. "And I'm not even gay."

Photo: nukeit1

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Russia, U.S. Slashing Nuclear Arsenals

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Russia and the United States are agreeing to slash their nuclear arsenals to the lowest levels in half a century -- a move dramatically reducing the number of times each nation could blow up the planet, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Negotiators from both countries, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the former Cold War warriors have agreed to reduce deployed strategic warheads by more than one-quarter and launchers by half.

Perhaps as early as Friday, President Dmitri Medvedev and President Barack Obama are expected to finalize a deal that experts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews said would mark the first time since the thawing of the Cold War that each nation would be capable of having only enough firepower to blow up the planet 1,000 times.

"Every man, woman and child should now feel safer because of this far-reaching deal," a Kremlin attaché told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Still, hawks from both nations told TheYellowDailyNews privately they were concerned that the proposed deal might provide fodder for Russia, the United States or some "rogue" nation to launch a nuclear attack.

"The more nuclear weapons there are the least likely they'll be used," a White House hawk connected to the Obama administration told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "This treaty is beginning to erode the long-held principle of Mutually Assured Destruction, and might lead us down a perilous path of doom."

The new 10-year pact, requiring ratification from legislatures in both countries, would replace the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty of 1991, or Start, which expired in December, and further extend cuts negotiated in 2002 by President George W. Bush in the Treaty of Moscow.

Under the new pact, according to people briefed on it here and in Moscow, within seven years each side would have to cut its deployed strategic warheads to 1,550 from the 2,200 now allowed. Each side would cut the total number of launchers to 800 from 1,600 now permitted. The number of nuclear-armed missiles and heavy bombers would be capped at 700 each.

(TYDN Kremlin Affairs Writer Victor Montoblan contributed to this report from Moscow.)

Photo: ThaFridge