Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Millions Take to Streets to Protest COVID-19 Pandemic

WASHINGTON, DC—(TYDN) Carrying placards reading "COVID-19 out of my uterus," and "Coronavirus not in my backyard," tens of millions of people across the nation took to the streets Tuesday to protest the spread of the virus.

The rallies were the biggest the nation has seen following the largest-ever rally protesting the $2 increase per month for Netflix memberships.

Meantime, the main theme behind latest march, which drew record-sized crowds in many big cities across the nation, was that Americans were tired of being bullied around by the novel coronavirus.

"I'm here to tell the coronavirus that it's not welcome, that it should go back to where it came from," 32-year-old housewife Mary Menro, told TheYellowDailyNewws in an exclusive interview. "Because of social distancing, I've been forced to miss two, wait, three hair appointments!"

Similar stories were told at other rally hotspots as well. 

"My housecleaners and gardeners won't even come over right now. This is outrageous and the coronavirus needs to apologize because my toilets need cleaning and my lawn needs mowing," 41-year-old Jason Moritz, a software salesman, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview at the District of Columbia rally. 

In Hollywood, a group of plastic surgeons calling themselves "Plastic Surgeons Against the Coronavirus," protested the pandemic and said their overly profitable collagen-injection businesses were drying up.

"Personally, I used to inject 250 patients a week, and now I'm down to 200," surgeon Jamie Castrolovitch, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview at the Los Angeles rally. "Pretty soon, if this keeps up, I'm going to have to fire one of my personal masseuses."

Monday, March 23, 2020

NBA Adopts On-court, 6-Foot Social Distancing Rule for Players Amid Coronavirus Pandemic

New York—(TYDN) The National Basketball Association, in a bid to re-open the 2020 season that was abruptly suspended March 11 amid the coronavirus pandemic, said Monday it would institute a new rule requiring players to remain 6 feet apart from one another, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move, the biggest fundamental change to the game since the 1979 adoption of the three-pointer, was needed quickly to enable the season to renew ahead of the playoffs, Adam Silver, the NBA commissioner, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

"The season must resume so we can continue showing violent video game commercials during our game broadcasts as well as other ads normalizing morning alcoholic beverage drinking," Silver said.

Photo: Tim Hart
As for fans, each one attending a live game must purchase six tickets and leave five remaining seats vacant to comport with the 6-foot social distancing rules mandated by state and local governments. Ticket prices will vary, and each fan must submit to having their temperature taken as a condition of entry.

Meantime, Silver said players who violate the 6-foot rule will be charged with a foul for each violation. The game will stop after every foul so ball boys can spray down the court and players with disinfectant.

Sources close to the deal said it was a compromise with the players' union that wanted an 8-foot social distancing rule, in addition to a game stoppage every time a different player touched the ball, The YellowDailyNews has learned.

Silver, however, agreed to a game stoppage after every change of possession so the ball, court and players could be sanitized, sources close to the negotiations told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. Television viewers will see commercials during those times.

Friday, March 20, 2020

Americans Wasting Less Food Amid Coronavirus Pandemic

CHICAGO—(TYDN) Taking extreme measures amid the coronavirus pandemic, Americans from across the USA, from New York to California, and Illinois in between, said they would not waste as much food as they normally do, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

One woman donning protective gear interviewed by TheYellowDailyNews at a local Chicago grocery store said the pandemic has dramatically altered her shopping approach.

Photo: Giuseppe Argenziano
"I used to buy all kinds of vegetables knowing I'd throw most of them away but I bought them anyway thinking this time would be different," the shopper, who requested anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I'm now buying less vegetables in hopes that I don't throw as much of them away anymore."

TheYellowDailyNews heard similar stories from shoppers throughout the country, from the bakery aisles, meat and dairy sections, and to the deli cases.

"I'm limiting the amount of food I anticipate throwing away because I'm not sure when the next time we'll have trash pickup service at our house," a shopper in a Dallas grocery store bakery section, who requested that his name not be used, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "It would be kinda sacrilegious to waste food and not have anywhere to throw it all away."

Other shoppers, however, refused to stop wasting food and were taking the opportunity to finally take that cruise ship vacation to Italy, at a reduced rate.

"The coronavirus is fake news," the shopper, who requested anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "While I'm soaking up the sun on my discounted cruise, I'll be laughing at all of the people worried about this fake news coronavirus thing."

Meantime, as of press time, as many as 10,000 people have died from the coronavirus.