Sunday, November 30, 2008

Obama: Wal-Mart Stampede Signals Healthy Economy

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. --(TYDN) President-Elect Barack Obama declared an economic victory hours after a Wal-Mart worker died early Friday after being trampled by a mob of frenzied shoppers smashing through the Long Island store's front doors here.

The Black Friday 5 a.m. stampede plunged the Wal-Mart into chaos. Several employees were kicked to the ground. Others scurried atop vending machines to avoid the horde searching for deals from everything from board games to tin foil to toilet paper and video-games.

"This stampede, like a Who concert stampede, shows that consumers have money and are willing to spend," Obama told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "That hordes were clamoring to get into the Wal-Mart underscores that there's hordes of investors on the sidelines ready to invest in an Obama economy, in a future America."

When the stampede's madness ended, 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee Braden Morehouse was dead and four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured.

"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said an elated Wal-Mart manager Jimmy Underby. "Visible through the front glass window that the crowd shattered, I had built the most geometrically sound display of Christmas, I mean, holiday wrapping paper replete with bows. They could see it from outside and they took the doors off the hinges to barrel inside. Braden was trampled and killed in front of me and he didn't die in vain."

Wal-Mart insiders said they would have administered first aid and perhaps saved the employee's life. However, they said it was company policy not to use store products for personal use. They feared being fired if they helped their co-worker.

"I remember when Johnny from the produce department had jock itch real, real bad and was fired after he grabbed some power to extinguish the itch," Justin Lamardio said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "He was gonna pay for it but couldn't stand the burn and needed instant relief and got fired before he could fork over the $1.59."

Another employee, Ramsus Arnetticas, said he ran to the first-aid section for a tourniquet to "put on the trampled dude's head."

"I thought this might save him. But the price rang up wrong and we needed to do a price check on aisle 11," Arnetticas continued, saying he didn't care whether he got fired. "He was just sprawled out there on the ground in front of the wrapping paper display with everybody just stomping on top of him. I didn't use wrapping paper to stop his head from bleeding because that would have been, you know, weird and sacrilegious and all."

Even officers who arrived to perform CPR on the trampled worker were stepped on by wild-eyed shoppers streaming inside.

"This underscores a healthy economy," Obama said.

Shopper Dennis Densomre, who left the store with 10 packages of wrapping paper, a bagful of free popped-corn and "a 99-cent package of water balloons for the little one," said he was disappointed that the authorities shut down the store so "they could scoop up the dead Wal-Mart employee."

"His body was a stepping bag that allowed dozens of people to get that coveted wrapping paper that was on sale. He's a hero," Densomre told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The melee began when an estimated 2,000 shoppers gathered outside Wal-Mart's doors in the predawn darkness, witnesses said.

Chanting, "push the doors in," the crowd pressed against the glass as the clock ticked down to the 5 a.m. opening. Sensing catastrophe, nervous employees formed a human chain inside the entrance to slow down the mass of shoppers.

It didn't work. The mob barreled in and overwhelmed workers, sparking the economic recovery the nation had been wanting.


Friday, November 28, 2008

Bush Weighing Bush Pardon

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President George W. Bush's latest list of pardons does not include high-profile individuals, including the president himself, as he mulls whether to grant himself clemency in his final weeks in office, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Bush administration officials, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity early Friday, said the 43rd president was considering pardoning himself for the endless wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the recession, the housing crises, skyrocketing unemployment, inflation, the stock market crash and a legacy of unprecedented eavesdropping on the American populace.

The startling revelation of a possible Bush pardon sparked intense public debate. Legal scholars wondered aloud whether the power of executive commutation can be exercised on oneself â.. a power of forgiveness never exercised in such a way. The closest it's come was when then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton forgave President Clinton for having Oval Office sexual relations with intern Monica Lewinsky.

"In modern times, the pardon and commutation of sentences has been limited to drug dealers and the president's friends," Hoover Institute scholar Tim Smith said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Whether the president himself qualifies is an untested question."

Scholars and political watchers noted that the president was instead considering whether to charge $10,000 or $20,000 an hour for post-presidency speaking engagements to give the public a chance to peer into the mind of the nation's 43rd chief executive who will always be known as "Mr. President" regardless of whether he pardons himself.

Bush has been stingy about issuing pardons. Including this week's actions, he has granted a total of 171 pardons and eight commutations. That's less than half as many as either Clinton or President Reagan issued during their two terms in office.

One hot topic of discussion related to pardons is whether Bush might decide to issue pre-emptive pardons before he leaves office to himself or government employees who authorized or engaged in harsh interrogations of suspected terrorists in the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. Some constitutional scholars and human rights groups want the incoming administration of President-elect Barack Obama to investigate possible war crimes.

If Bush were to pardon anyone involved, it would provide protection against criminal charges, particularly for people who were following orders or trying to protect the nation with their actions. But it would also be highly controversial.

At the same time, Obama advisers say there is little, if any, chance that his administration would bring criminal charges against Bush or anybody else.

Photo: orangeacid

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

iPhone Smudge Reveals Image of Jesus

Glendive, MT. -- (TYDN) Tens of thousands of worshippers were lining up for miles outside a small farmhouse here hoping to get a glimpse of what Vatican authorities confirmed was the image of Jesus appearing in the smudge of a well-thumbed iPhone, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The pilgrims, some of them walking days to this modern-day Mecca, have come to see the vision of the son of God himself as he appeared on Dan Smith's new iPhone. The discovery by Smith, a 38-year-old hog farmer and father of two, prompted a wave of the faithful to perform the Hajj and descend on this tiny farming community of 5,000 -- about 200 miles outside Montana's capital, Helena.

Vatican scholars said it was the first time that the image of Jesus has appeared on an iPhone, a device known for its smudgy surface where shapes of Steve Jobs' brain often appear. The Vatican scholars, who arrived here late Tuesday from Rome, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that the image was indeed of Jesus Christ.

"We've verified images of Jesus on tortillas, trees, windows, pancakes, linoleum table tops, chocolate bars, foggy windows and grilled cheese sandwiches," Vatican scholar Victor Romanowskiolov told TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday. "But never have we seen one so pure and clear on such a marvelous device."

Smith, who had bought his black 8 gig iPhone two days before online, said the image was a blessing from above.

"After I got this in the mail, I couldn't put it down. I wasn't tending the hogs and I wasn't even feeding my children or being faithful to my wife," Smith said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Last night, when I went to log onto this porn site I've been hitting, have you seen how clear porn sites are on one of these, Jesus appeared in a smudge and I knew I had been saved."

Street vendors were hawking Jesus-on-an-iPhone soap while others were distributing the latest iPhone wallpaper app replete with pictures of Jesus, Mother Mary, the Pope, Steve Jobs and other holy ones and places.

Many worshippers in the lineup to view the holiest of iPhones were concerned they were doomed to a life in hell. They were seen frantically attempting to rub the image of Jesus on their iPhones.

And as the crowed grew tense, a riot erupted when rumors surfaced that Smith accidently smudged away Jesus' image to answer a call on the popular touch-screen phone.

"Jesus Christ, it was my brother Fred in Arkansas," Smith told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "He said he saw me on the news and was wanting to know what porn sites I was surfing."

Photo: Jon Snyder

Friday, November 21, 2008

Sex Offenders Sentenced to Freedom

BLOOMFIELD, Ind. -- (TYDN) Six southern Indiana jail inmates who devised a way to sneak between cell blocks to help pass their time behind bars by having sex were sentenced to five years of release early Friday, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The inmates, three women and three men, begged state Judge Justin Meaniou to keep them locked up as punishment for being convicted of unlawfully leaving their cells and for having unsanctioned jail sex. Meaniou, one of the state's toughest jurists, threw the book at them and ordered what many corrections officials said was one of the state's toughest penalties: release on their own recognizance.

The inmates figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels in the Greene County Jail and used the passageway more than a dozen times in September and October, according to court documents.

The men - ages 44, 38 and 17 - and the women - ages 27, 26 and 21 - crawled through the ceiling after midnight, having sexual encounters and drinking homemade alcohol that was found hidden in the male cell block, a police affidavit said.

Lawyers for the inmates detested the sentence. They said they would appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. "This is a miscarriage of justice," said Eric Loball, one of the attorneys, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "My clients are being overly punished by being released. They deserve leniency for these crimes and therefore should remain locked up."

One male inmate who was not charged said the female inmates would "hang-out, play cards or have sex with some of the male inmates" in their cell block, the affidavit said.

The inmates were able to find a security camera "blind spot" where they could remove ceiling tiles and create a passage between the cell blocks, Sheriff Terry Pierce said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The inmates used a shower drain as a tool to loosen security screws and the ceiling tiles were carefully replaced so they did not appear to be disturbed, Pierce said.

The ceiling panels have since been secured, and Pierce said he was seeking funding to improve security at the jail, which was built in 1994 in the city about 25 miles southeast of Bloomington.

Prosecutors said the investigation is continuing.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Congress Demands Huge Executive Bonuses

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Lawmakers on Wednesday demanded the Federal Reserve to release billions in taxpayer dollars to fund executive banking sector bonus packages in a bid to prevent the economy's collapse, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The push for the bonuses is in addition to a $700 billion Fed bailout package approved for the banking community, and comes as the economy teeters on the brink of faltering. Lawmakers said the bonuses, totaling another $700 billion and to be dispersed by year's end, is part of the government's overall economic stimulus plan.

Fed Chairman Henry Poulson initially pushed back, but acquiesced when lawmakers and their constituents expressed alarm that the banking institutions, even with a fresh injection of a $700 billion bailout, might fail unless their top executives and traders received lavish bonuses as the Christmas season approaches.

"How do you expect these banks to make money and make loans at exorbitant interest rates unless the top brass and key traders are given millions more on top of their millions in annual salaries?" Rep. Barney Frank, head of the House Financial Services Committee, said at a hearing early Wednesday. "C'mon, this is Economics 101."

Luxury goods stocks soared in after hours trading, fueled by strong demand for securities in Gucci, Rolex and a host of designer yacht and homebuilders.

Analysts, meanwhile, welcomed the bonus bailout.

That "best-in-class" executives stand to reap just paltry millions of dollars in year-end bonuses "should teach them a lesson to behave more responsibly. And it likely would prevent the banks from igniting another economic meltdown," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Never again will the banks loan out trillions of dollars to people they know can't pay it back. This is a victory for America."

Paulson said lawmakers should provide even greater bonuses. A fresh monetary infusion, he said, likely would further stimulate an economy teetering on collapse.

"Blue chip industrial companies were frequently unable to issue commercial paper with maturities greater than a few days as the commercial paper market became severely impaired," Paulson told alarmed lawmakers. "We received reports of small and medium-sized companies, with no direct connection to the financial sector, losing access to the normal credit needed to meet payrolls, pay suppliers and buy inventory."

Photo: Barney Frank

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fed Agrees to Seed Sperm Bank Bailout

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Federal Reserve agreed early Monday to an unprecedented deposit into the nation's sperm banks -- which are nearing impotency -- as part of a multi-pronged package to erect the nation's now-flaccid industry, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Federal authorities, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, acknowledged that failing to lubricate the sperm banks, once a pillar of industry, could have penetrating ramifications across the economy. The banks say they are almost tapped out, and require fresh seeding to keep their engines humming.

Still, the infusion of fresh resources into the sperm banks was not without controversy, according to well-positioned federal authorities, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

"We're concerned that these banks aren't focused, that there's a lot of jacking off going on there," one federal bailout official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "With the way the economy is shrinking, we're not sure whether we want to release a new injection to prop up these banks that might not last."

But after days of gyrating on the issue, senior Fed officials agreed to the immersion amid fears the banks' un-liquidity could result in a pounding across market sectors.

"After going back and forth on the issue, the Fed decided to provide the sperm banks with fresh inventory before their plight released itself to the masses," Fed Chairman Henry Paulson said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We were mentally masturbating for days over what we wanted to do on this, and I finally said we need to come out and take action."

Revisionist historian Harry Jeffers applauded the decision.

"Finally," Jeffers said, "the Fed inserted the bone that the banks have so much been needing to give birth to a new economy."


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Fed Conditions GM Bailout on Hummer Revival

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Federal Reserve is conditioning a possible $50 billion bailout rescue of troubled General Motors on the automaker promising strong sales of its hulking Hummer brand, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Executives at the Detroit automaker and federal officials told TheYellowDailyNews early Friday that the plan is expected to be publicly announced as early as Saturday. The deal, while still in its preliminary stages, marks the first time the federal government, as part its $2 trillion economic rescue package, has placed conditions on a bailout recipient.

Insiders said the conditioned bailout requires GM to promise to triple sales of the $70,000 vehicle by the third quarter of 2009. Details of the plan require GM to increase interest rates on Hummers, and promise consumers a year's worth of free gasoline â.. strategies that helped push GM to near insolvency but strategies now seen as elevating GM past Ford and Chrysler to become the nation's No. 1 automaker.

Analysts said the proposal was certain to spark a financial resurgence across America's ailing car lots, and would reverberate from Wall Street to Main Street.

Sales of the massive vehicles, which get an efficient 9-10 mpg, have fallen nearly 60 percent year over year. General Motors says it may go under by year's end if U.S. taxpayers don't come to its side and start buying its flagship Hummer.

And GM Chairman Richard Wagoner said Hummer sales should ignite the economy. He said the vehicle is perfect for America, and has been a victim of skyrocketing gas prices, unemployment, a plunging stock market, a strong dollar and the housing crisis.

"If we can get more people into these combat-ready cars, we think that could spark a strong economic rebound while also preparing the nation for a terror attack once Sen. Barack Obama takes office," Wagoner said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Strong sales of this vehicle mean huge sales of steel, gasoline and even paint â.. all of which require thousands of workers and dozens upon dozens of factories to produce."

Analysts said the plan was the correct approach to right a sinking economy, and underscores that Washington was serious about accountability.

"Congress just gave the banks $700 billion based on the trickle down theory, and now the Fed is begging the banks to loan out that money instead of hoarding it," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian. "This Hummer plan shows that the government is taking the correct steps in steering the economy to prosperity."

Photo: Franco Folini

Sunday, November 9, 2008

GOP Faults Obama’s Lack of Iraq Re-Invasion Plan

CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Materializing are Republican fears espoused during the presidential campaign that a President Barack Obama would be weak on terrorism, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Consider Obama's first and only news conference following his Tuesday election to succeed President Bush. Not once did he mention invading any country, yet alone a re-invasion of Iraq.

Instead, his 20-minute oration focused solely on an economy reeling by a record number of house foreclosures, bank closures, growing unemployment, a crashing stock market and shrinking domestic output, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Republican strategists and revisionist historians quickly seized on what they said were Obama's misguided priorities, including his failure to announce a re-invasion of Iraq contingency plan.

Karl Rove, a Republican strategist and architect of Bush's two presidential victories, decried the statements by Obama, who takes office Jan. 20. "That Obama didn't say he wanted to bomb Iran, North Korea, and Russia shows weakness," Rove said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And that he did not want to re-invade Iraq opens the door for another September 11."

Revisionist historian Harry Jeffers faulted Obama for not proposing converting the Big 3 automakers, which are nearing extinction, into tank, missile and other weapons-making businesses to prepare for an Iraqi re-invasion.

"That Obama did not say he wanted to suspend the Constitution's Fourth Amendment guarantee against unreasonable searches, as Bush did, underscores just how liberal and dangerous Obama is. He never even mentioned Osama bin Laden during that speech, either," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Obama's press conference came after he and Vice President-elect Joe Biden met privately with economic advisers to discuss ways to stabilize the economy.

Republican Sen. John McCain, who lost to Obama on Tuesday, said Obama's press conference amounted to "an open invitation for terrorists to waltz in here and bomb us and redistribute our wealth. We need to attack or be attacked."

McCain is urging Americans "to stockpile duct tape."

Photosamdaq (AT) hotmail

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Analysis: Stocks Plunge Amid Fears of Bush Fuckup

NEW YORK --(TYDN) Wall Street plunged for a second day Thursday, triggered by the realization that President Bush has two months remaining on his second term â.. enough time to further fuckup the nation, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Bush factor, coupled with concerns that the euphoria over Sen. Barack Obama's election Tuesday to the White House is dissipating, sent the major stock indexes down more than 4 percent Thursday. Major indexes have lost about 10 percent since Obama was elected president on Tuesday -- a vote preceded by a steep rally -- and the losses represent the Dow's worst two-day percentage decline since the October 1987 crash.

Investors and analysts, however, said the decline was due more to renewed worries over whether Bush would fuckup again ahead of Obama's inauguration in January.

"We're really concerned that investors, and everybody, was so euphoric leading up to the election that they forgot that, no matter who won, Bush is still in office for another two months," said Dexter Manliolo, a Barclays Capital analyst, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "While the Dow skyrocketed 18 percentage points days ahead of the election, when the election was over, everybody took stock that Bush was still the president and likely to screw-up the country even more."

It was the Dow's worst percentage decline ever following the presidential election, slightly surpassing the days following Franklin Roosevelt's first election in 1932. Paper losses the last two days in U.S. stocks came to $1.2 trillion, according to the Dow Jones Wilshire 5000 Composite Index, which represents nearly all stocks traded in America.

While worries about automakers and the financial sector compounded investors' unease, the focus remained on Bush still being in office.

"The economy is in pretty significant turmoil and I think that is broad-based because it all concerns whether Bush will fuckup again," said Ed Hyland, global investment specialist at J.P. Morgan's Private Bank, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is something that we haven't really seen, this level of complete and utter failure by an administration that, despite two months until inauguration day, is precipitating a rapid and significant pullback both in the market and the economy."

The market's two-day slide follows an enormous run-up since last week, so some pullback was expected despite fears of a Bush fuckup in his waning presidency. Still, analysts said the market's pullback isn't surprising given the scope of President Bush's fuckups.

The Dow fell 443.48, or 4.85 percent, to 8,695.79 after falling as much as 502 in the final five minutes of trading Thursday. The blue chips remain 520 points, or 6.4 percent, above 8,176 -- their Oct. 27 closing low from the market's yearlong decline.

Broader stock indicators also posted sharp losses. The Standard & Poor's 500 index fell 47.89, or 5.03 percent, to 904.88, and the Nasdaq composite index fell 72.94, or 4.34 percent, to 1,608.70.

Following Obama's election, the Dow is down 9.7 percent, the S&P 500 index is off 10 percent and the Nasdaq is down 9.6 percent.

Photo: artemuestra

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

EXCLUSIVE: President Wins in Landslide

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) American voters, seeking a changeover from the Bush administration, embraced a sitting U.S. senator on Tuesday as the nation's next chief executive in an historic landslide victory, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The winner, securing more than 50 percent of the vote, campaigned on a platform of change and political insiderness that voters have been yearning for, according to exit polls conducted by TheYellowDailyNews. Voters, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said the time was ripe to vote President Bush out of office.

"My vote was a vote for a new president," said one voter, who spoke on condition of anonymity because his party's apparatus has not authorized him to speak publicly about his vote. "I think the results show that I was not alone in the reasons why I cast my vote the way I did."

Revisionist historians said it was the first time in U.S. electoral history that voters were so sure they wanted a new president. And, analysts said, voters picked the new president on the belief that their choice would better position the nation in terms of the economy, the war, environment, health care, the housing market, taxes "and all of the hot-button issues," Cal State Fullerton revisionist Historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview.

"Voters believed the victor would better position voters' lives," Jeffers added. "This was an unprecedented election. The voters have spoken."

In a late-night victory speech here, the 44th-president elect said change was on the way.

"Believe me, you have voted for the right candidate. I believe in your votes. You made the right choice," he said.

In a concession speech, the opponent said, "it was a hard fought battle. I give my full support to my rival. Change is in the air and I respect the will of the voters."

Photo: traviscrawford

Sunday, November 2, 2008

TYDN Recommends Vote for McCain, Obama

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews editorial board recommends pulling the ballot lever Tuesday for the presidential candidate whom voters believe is telling fewer untruths. Most important, we recommend voting for the candidate you believe would screw up the country less than their rival.

TheYellowDailyNews also recommends voters to consider balloting for the candidate they think would tax them less while taxing their neighbors more. And depending on whether you're a hawk or dove, we urge voters to pick the candidate that fits into their views of wanting less or more war.

Also, consider whether terrorists would immediately attack us to test the newly elected president's leadership skills.

In short, TheYellowDailyNews is recommending a "yes" or "no" vote for the Republican candidate, Sen. John McCain of Arizona; or the Democrats' candidate, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois.

For those who are still undecided, here's a brief synopsis of the campaign:

Each candidate says the other would tax you out of existence. Each candidate says wars would ignite across the globe if their rival is elected to succeed President Bush, the nation's 44th chief executive.

What's more, each candidate says Americans' are likely to lose their jobs or become homeless if the other wins. Social security would dry up if either candidate wins, according to the campaigns. And if the candidates are to be believed, the environment would be torn asunder if either candidate wins.

The war in Iraq will never end, according to both campaigns' finger-pointing.

Oil prices would also skyrocket. Famine and a plague of locusts are likely. Neither campaign, according to the campaigns, would do enough to cut crime, thus exposing everyone to an ever greater likelihood of being assaulted should the other candidate win.

Energy costs would soar and housing prices would tumble no matter which candidate prevails, the candidates say, while inflation would run rampant.

So on Tuesday, TheYellowDailyNews editorial board recommends voters pick the best candidate to lead through these troubling times.