Tuesday, September 11, 2018

One of Trump's Multiple Personalities Claims Responsibility for NYT Anonymous Op-Ed

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) One of President Trump's dozens of personalities claimed responsibility late Tuesday for the anonymous Op-Ed in The New York Times that was critical of the president's leadership style and ability to lead, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The riveting disclosure, first reported by TheYellowDaiyNews, brought an immediate halt to a guessing game gripping Washington over which Trump administration official wrote last week's Op-Ed that said the "president continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our republic," and that his leadership style is "impetuous, adversarial, petty and ineffective."

The confession exposed for the first time what experts said was Trump's 24th complex personality amid growing fears that more Trump personalities are still to surface.

"We've seen a variety of Trump personalities ranging from vile, evil to severely evil and beyond," said John Steinvillage, a Harvard University psychologist. "We're still analyzing where this new personality fits into the puzzle of his multiple personalities, and it opens the possibility that more Trump personalities could come to light as well."
One of Trump's multiple personalties. Photo: haberlernet NET
One of Trump's personalities said that the Trump personality who took credit for the Op-Ed was lying. And the White House, in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews, said that none of Trump's personalities had penned the letter.

"It's crazy to suggest that one of Trump's personalities would commit such a treasonous act," spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in the exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "I've spoken to all of his personalities, and they all deny it, and to suggest otherwise is fake news."

Monday, August 27, 2018

Pope Francis Demands Priests Wear Condoms When Sodomizing Children

VATICAN CITY—(TYDN) Pope Francis, in a bid to protect the safety of children, is now demanding pedophile priests wear condoms when sodomizing kids, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move comes weeks after a grand jury in Pennsylvania concluded that hundreds of priests sexually abused some 1,000 children in a longstanding child-rape cover up. Pope Francis said it was unconscionable that children were exposed to the unprotected genitals of priests, and that unprotected sodomy should never happen again.
Pope Francis waves off allegations he isn't protecting kids from exposure to priests' genitalia. Photo: Long Thiên
"The children need protection from our pedophile ranks and my edict that priests wear condoms while sodomizing innocent children is a long-overdue measure toward that goal," the papal nuncio, who is fighting to keep his job, told the TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I apologize for not taking this needed action sooner."

High-ranking Vatican officials, however, told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that the Pope was going too far, and that demanding priests wear condoms is a fundamental alteration of longstanding Catholic Church protocol that should not be tolerated.

"First he promised to reduce child-rape by 10 percent and now he wants priests to wear rubbers when raping children. This is unconscionable," a well-placed cardinal, requesting anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What's next? Is Pope Francis going to declare the confessional off-limits to child rape?"

Shares of Church & Dwight Company, the maker of the popular Trojan condom, soared in after-hours trading on the New York Stock Exchange.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Top ISIS Fighter Forced to Resign Amid Sexual Misconduct Allegations

RAQQA, Syria—(TYDN) One of the most heralded and violent ISIS fighters was forced to resign from the terror network Wednesday after being accused of unwanted sexual advances following a recent attack on the way to the caliphate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Ali Amaki Amoka's resignation sent shockwaves throughout the terror network. ISIS said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews that Amoka, 19, had been praised for hundreds of beheadings of innocent men, women and children. ISIS, however, said that even its most celebrated insurgent had to be removed in light of the groping allegation.
Ali Amaki Amoka. TYDN photo: Jon Alev Eikenes

"Amoka's presence on the slaughtering field will certainly be missed," ISIS said. "But ISIS will not tolerate the unbecoming conduct of unwanted sexual advances, other than the usual raping on the battlefield."

Sources familiar with the Amoka allegations, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to publicly discuss the case, said that Amoka was celebrating a recent car bombing that killed more than a dozen people, including women and children, outside a local hospital here.

"He was so excited by the kill that he slapped the buttocks of a fellow fighter while exulting that he just killed a dozen innocents," according to the source. "The victim reported this gross misconduct and Amoka immediately resigned."

Following the victim's allegations, several other insurgents reported similar conduct by Amoka in the battlefield.

TheYellowDailyNews is not releasing the names of these victims to protect their privacy. One of those victims told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that he and Amoka had just slit the throats of several women and children they raped along the Syria-Turkey border when he was sexually attacked by Amoka.

"We were so excited watching the blood pool and Amoka high-fives me and then suddenly spanked me on the behind as we were exulting," the victim told TheYellowDailyNews. "I was so ashamed that I did not immediately report this gross violation of sexual misconduct."

U.S. President Donald Trump said the Amoka scandal underscores that the United States is winning the war against terror.

"It absolutely shocks the conscience that ISIS would have allowed this sexual predator to join its ranks in the first place," the president told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive Oval Office interview.

Amoka, who was awaiting his public execution at a Syrian prison, declined comment.