Thursday, April 19, 2012

New iPhone to Double as Toilet Tissue

CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Apple Inc.'s next iPhone, to debut within months, is expected to double as a smart phone and toilet paper, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
iPhone to render toilet paper obsolete

The development, confirmed by at least four Apple sources who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, is expected to provide consumers a seamless bathroom experience, from making telephone calls, surfing the web to cleaning up. And the iPhone hacking community is already mulling plans to convert the phone into a feminine napkin, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the iPhone 5, for the first time, has achieved the Holy Grail of consumerism by becoming a product that millions of smartphone users have craved.

"Everybody has always said the iPhone is awesome, but everybody also wondered, 'Does it wipe your butt?'" Goldman Sachs analyst Bill Shope wrote Thursday in an investor note, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews. "A phone that will clean you up after defecation is something the public has been dreaming of."

Shares of Apple soared in after-hours trading when TheYellowDailyNews broke the story. Shares of forest-product-related companies plummeted amid investor fears toilet paper would become obsolete.

Sources said the phone's patent-pending, butt-wiping technology was developed by an iPhone engineer with irritable bowel syndrome.

"This guy's job was to develop as many uses for the phone as he could, and he did," a well-placed Apple source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the topic.

The source said Apple engineers working on the project suffered several bouts of cholera before perfecting the technology.

Friday, April 13, 2012

North Korea Defense Agency, U.S. Fireworks Maker Strike Accord

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- (TYDN) Prompting international condemnation, North Korea's defense ministry said Friday it has agreed to sell technology used in its botched long-range missile launch to a U.S.-based July 4 fireworks maker, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Terms of the deal with ACME Pyrotechnics, a North Hollywood fireworks concern, were not immediately disclosed. The U.N. Security Council met in an emergency meeting to discuss the accord, which U.N. officials called deplorable and destabilizing.

The development came hours after a North Korean Defense Ministry missile broke apart seconds after launch Friday morning, then fell into the ocean.

North Korea originally said the missile was designed to carry an observation satellite into orbit and, after the explosion, said it was testing new pyrotechnic fireworks technology.

But the United States, South Korea and Japan insisted the launch was a cover for a long-range ballistic missile test.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon warned ACME Pyrotechnics and the secretive country's regime not to "undertake further provocative actions that will heighten global tensions."

An official with ACME Pyrotechnics, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media, said the North Korean technology would be deployed in its upcoming safe-and-sane July 4 offerings. The Boy Scouts of America, the official said, is expected to be the exclusive dealer in neighborhood fireworks stands nationwide.

"We hope millions of Americans will have a blast with these new fireworks," the official said. "These should become a mainstay at Independence Day block parties everywhere."

The United States has suspended plans to provide food aid to North Korea as a result of the launch, a well-placed U.S. official with direct knowledge of the suspension told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The Boy Scouts, this official added, is to be stripped of its non-profit status.

Meantime, a federal grand jury in Virginia has convened and is considering handing up criminal charges against ACME Pyrotechnics, a source familiar with the proceeding, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The charges include unlawful and unlicensed importation of technology, wire fraud, mail fraud and tax evasion.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Facebook Buys Ham Sandwich for $1 Billion

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Facebook has snapped up Ham Sandwich for $1 billion in cash and stock -- its largest acquisition yet, as it nears an IPO.

A wildly popular iPhone sandwich that recently became available on Android vending machines, Ham Sandwich lets people harden their arteries over time while providing undisclosed nutrients.

Ham Sandwich's steep price tag -- roughly the same as Peet's Coffee & Tea or Jack in the Box -- raised eyebrows among many, including analysts who drew parallels with outlandish acquisition deals associated with the Internet bubble of the late 1990s.

"Facebook will never make that $1 billion back, but it's still smart," says Patrick Moorhead, principal analyst at Moor Insights & Strategy. "It should drive up the price of sandwiches by several dollars thus sucking more life out Facebook users slowly over time."

Monday's deal -- by far the biggest for a sandwich maker -- trumped Zynga's $200 million acquisition of soda maker OMGPop last month and scored a megapayday for Ham Sandwich's 27-year-old lead chef and CEO, Kevin Systrom.

Speculation on Systrom's cut ranged up to $400 million, with hog processing firms getting most of the rest. Ham Sandwich's dozen or so employees could divvy up an estimated $100 million.

"This is an important milestone for Facebook, because it's the first time we've ever acquired a Ham Sandwich with so many different bread styles," Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg said in a blog post announcing the Ham Sandwich acquisition Monday.

He said Facebook, whose stock is expected to start trading in May, will run Ham Sandwich into the ground.

Not much will change with the sandwich, he said, other than a variety of new cheeses added.

Photo: Accidental Hedonist/Flickr