Friday, December 24, 2010

Wikileaks Threatens to Debunk Santa

by Omar Radicchio, TYDN World Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Parents across the world were bracing on Christmas Eve for document-spilling site Wikileaks to make good on its promise to release a treasure trove of documents suggesting Santa Claus was not real, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The possible disclosure, dubbed Santagate, came weeks after Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said he would take revenge on society for not "totally and completely" embracing how pretty he is.

The potential document disclosure, possibly coming just hours before Santa Claus is expected to descend upon millions of chimneys, threatens to end a holiday tradition dating to the founding of the Hallmark greeting card, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The looming demise of Christmas was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Friday.

The Federal Reserve Board, meanwhile, called an emergency meeting Friday to assess the economic damage if Assange pulls the trigger. President Barack Obama blasted Assange, saying in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the possible document dump "would amount to the biggest act of economic terrorism the world has ever seen, making 9/11 look like a birthday party by comparison."

Some analysts were describing the looming revelation as a "powder keg," one that could amount to the biggest Wikileaks unveiling since it debunked the Easter Bunny last year.

"If Assange is going to release these documents, he should redact out the name 'Santa Claus.' Just too much is at stake here. This is a powder keg in the making," said Wikileaks analyst Boca Gossipher, in an exclusive telephone interview from Geneva with TheYellowDailyNews.

Parents across the world were praying that Assange would not ruin their Christmas. Jews took the upcoming apocalypse in stride, wondering what all the fuss was about.

Assange, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he would release the Santa Claus cache within the next few hours unless the men's magazine, GQ, posted a photo of him on its website declaring him "Pretty Boy of the Year."

"If Time magazine won't declare me "Man of the Year," then GQ better step up to the plate," Assange said. "I'm pretty. Just look at me."

GQ did not return repeated messages questioning whether it would save Christmas.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Exit Poll: Voters Choosing the 'Lesser Jackass'

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Dozens of voters descended on polling stations across the nation Tuesday on Election Day, pulling the lever for who many said was the "lesser jackass," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

From Alabama to Rhode Island, voters told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive exit-poll interviews that they casted their ballots to prevent the bigger jackass from taking office.

"Both candidates for Congress in my district are complete jackasses, so I picked the one that I believed was the lesser jackass," one California voter, requesting anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive exit-poll interview.

Such sentiment was echoed across the country. In Montana, for example, voter James Loosier made his way to his polling station by enduring a snow flurry to make sure the lesser jackass would get elected.

"I honestly believe my candidate will muck things up a lot, but a lot less than the other jackass," Loosier told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I'm feeling really good about my choice for the lesser jackass."

Political scientists said it was the first time the electorate appeared to be informed about the candidates. For decades, analysts said, voters' decisions had too often been based on campaign commercials and neighborhood signage.

"This shows that democracy is alive and well in America," said Harvard University political scientist Hans Votamota, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "When the lesser jackass wins, so does democracy."

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Senate Fails to Repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

by Sonia Reynoso, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON – (TYDN) Saying there were hundreds of thousands of straight men and women they could send to foreign wars, Senate Republicans dealt a severe and potentially fatal blow Tuesday to efforts to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which bans gay men and women from serving openly in the armed forces, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Democrats were unable to sway a single Republican to begin debate on the defense authorization bill that included the repeal. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs suggested that Republicans objected to the measure for personal, not political, reasons.

"No matter how high and fast they waive the flag, the GOP just doesn't want their sons and daughters in the military," Gibbs told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

After the measure's failure, thousands of gays celebrated outside, breathing a sigh of relief. "I don't want to be in a foxhole with a bunch of breeders. That's disgusting," said Joy Lesploitanala, a 19-year-old gay woman who was planning on moving to Canada had the law passed, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The failure to repeal the law, despite White House backing and majorities in Congress, marked a low point in the more than decade-long effort to rid a policy begun under President Bill Clinton. Democrats thought this was their best chance to undo the 17-year-old measure after President Obama had won the support of Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and other military leaders to get rid of it.

"Just because they can't marry, doesn't mean gays shouldn't serve in the military and possibly get maimed, mutilated or killed in the name of foreign policy," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

A senior Republican Senate aide, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said that although some GOP lawmakers don't necessarily oppose repeal, they don't want to act before a Pentagon review of the proposed policy change has been completed.

A source familiar with the Pentagon review, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the report is expected to show that, if gays and lesbians are aloud in the military, thousands of high-ranking military officers would be aloud to continue serving.

Photo: Umpqua

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Monday, September 20, 2010

BP Well Executed by Lethal Injection

by Libby McRaid, TYDN Death Penalty Affairs Writer
SAN QUENTIN, Calif. -- (TYDN) Five months after it began spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico, BP's mass-murdering Macondo oil well was executed by lethal injection Sunday as thousands of death-penalty opponents picketed outside this aging prison here, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Death chamber moments before BP well's execution
Retired Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen, head of the joint task force that oversaw the execution, issued a statement saying that the well expired at 5:54 AM Central time. The well was sent to death row after it exploded April 20, killing 11 workers and ultimately releasing more than 170 million gallons of oil into gulf waters.

Admiral Allen said the well was handed the ultimate form of punishment as a deterrent to other wells considering blowing up and killing more workers and marine life.

Execution witnesses said the well, wearing shackles, was brought into the prison's death chamber, where executioners strapped it down. There was a brief delay after one of the executioners ran to a nearby Walgreens to purchase rubbing alcohol, which was necessary to prevent the well from getting an infection from the poison-laden catheters.

The condemned well's death was first reported Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

A priest who read the condemned prisoner's last rights said the well requested fried chicken, French fries and a fried Twinkie for its last meal. Relatives of the victims were incensed after the warden read the well's last words: "This is slick."

As the three-drug cocktail began flowing into the well, family members of the well's victims began clenching their fists, hoping it would be a painful well death. "This whole process seemed too humane. I would have shot that well on sight, then shot it again months ago," a victim's relative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews after the execution in an exclusive interview.

Outside the prison walls, thousands decried the execution as "barbaric."

"What if DNA evidence shows that this well is not the culprit? Death cannot be undone," Anthony Romero, the executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

About 35 people were arrested outside prison gates after death-penalty foes clashed with death-penalty proponents.

One death-penalty proponent was listed in critical condition at a local hospital after several death-penalty opponents were seen clubbing him with baseball bats.

Friday, September 17, 2010

San Bruno Gas Explosion Linked To Youth 'Flatulence Contest'

by Gashia Flagratio, TYDN Staff Writer
SAN BRUNO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Federal investigators said Friday a natural gas explosion that ripped through a neighborhood here last week, killing four people, was the result of boys igniting their farts in a "flatulence contest gone awry," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

About 50 homes were also destroyed and dozens of people injured when what was originally believed to be a Pacific Gas and Electric natural gas line rupturing. As it turned out, a flatulence ignition sent a massive fireball through a neighborhood here, engulfing everything in its path.

The revelation was first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

PG&E is breathing a huge sigh of relief after the authorities concluded that a handful of 7th grade local boys in the neighborhood were using a Bic lighter and igniting their flatulence, seeing who could produce the biggest conflagration from their buttocks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"One of the fattest boys really laid one out, and all hell broke loose," said National Traffic Safety Board investigator, Hans Methanamus, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Sooner or later, we knew a flatulence contest gone awry would result in a disaster of biblical proportions."

In the tragedy's wake, Congress immediately passed legislation, signed by President Barack Obama, making it a felony, even for juveniles, "to ignite their farts with matches or lighters." The "Don't Light Your Flatulence Act" carries penalties of up to five years in prison.

The American Civil Liberties Union immediately decried the legislation as being vague, saying in a statement obtained by TheYellowDailyNews that some youths could be prosecuted under the law "because they emitted a heavy dose of flatulence near where their parents were barbecuing."

According to investigatory reports reviewed by TheYellowDailyNews, a group of as many as six middle school boys, who had just returned from Taco Bell, challenged one another to determine "who could be the block's 'flatulence king' for the day."

Witnesses described the aftermath of the flatulence contest as a thunderous roar heard for miles, sending a geyser of fire hundreds of feet into the air as emergency personnel responding to the scene believed that an airline crash had occurred.

The flatulence-stoked blaze leaped from structure to structure in this neighborhood a few miles south of San Francisco, unabated for almost an hour as emergency crews rushed in and residents streamed out.

Photo: achesonblog

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Fashion Analysis: Lady Gaga Flank Steak Choice Was Wrong Cut

by Kristen Kropolis, TYDN Fashion Affairs Writer

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) We are so used to the dead whites and galactic silvers of Lady Gaga and future-minded designers that to see a palette of mauve, rose, pink, tan, purple and terra cotta flank steak -- sometimes in a mix of three or four colors -- makes you want something more earthbound like rump roast.

But for all the glamorous associations of a silk peasant blouse, or a one-shoulder dress in sheer, swirling stripes, or a turned-back-brim straw hat and a corsage, this particular dress made of meat is strangely touching — perhaps because it involves a sense of play on flank steaks.

In its own raw, sensual way, Gaga's meat dress at the MTV Video Music awards sadly harkened to the silk crepe or satin dresses of '30s type favored by John Galliano, with flutters and trails of meat fabric.

We found her carnivore couture choice of flank steak rather alarming, and a blown opportunity. We wonder why she didn't opt for the rump roast, a more durable meat form, that would have certainly showed off her curves while at the same time cutting down on the drippings, maggots and stench.

What's more, the Gaga self-designed flank-steak dress looked shrunken, creating many ripples, somewhat lumpy pockets and the kind of organic texture that missed the mark. Its lines were a boringly repetitive show; the concept not really new, and there is a limit to the appeal of a flank-steak dress.

To be sure, the dress had a contemporary evening feel, but without new, beefy ideas for day, it remained passively vintage.

The fabric went this way and that way, and then the fabric aged right before our eyes. Sure, the dress was a tribute to home. But can the notion of home be an influence?

And can it be an influence without its inducing nostalgia or banal references to Mom's closet?

We don't think so.

This dress felt like the California experience gone awry, despite its homey texture imagery and cut of  high-waist steak flanks interspersed with wood tones of a stripes-worn blanket-style -- with an almost open-shoulder Chinese porcelain pattern.

With this dress, we suspect that people will look at it again and again in a kind of amazement, wondering why she didn't go with rump roast.

Don't get us started on those flank-steak boots.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sept. 10, 2001: A Day the Nation Will Never Forget

By Ariel Doloresian, TYDN Staff Writer
WASHINGTON – (TYDN) It was a solemn day across the United States, as millions of Americans reflected on 9/10, a prehistoric time of sorts before airline travel became safer with the advent of a mandate that fliers' toiletries be placed in sandwich bags, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

From California to New York, 9/10 represents a day that will go down in history like no other day, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, in what is believed to be the most exhaustive investigation into the 9/10 mindset.

Along the Santa Cruz, Calif. boardwalk, Americans munching chocolate fried Twinkies remembered that they used to eat them against the advice of their doctors. Now, these artery-hardening treats represent a freedom that our soldiers are fighting to uphold in foreign battlefields.

"These Twinkies have so much symbolism now," said a heavy set man, James Fattersboy, as he waited in a line 30 obese-people deep to get his hands on what he dubbed "Tiny Freedom Rockets."

"Christ, Americans are dying on the battlefield so I can eat these. My hats are off to these men and woman," Fattersboy continued in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

In the drug-addled Tenderloin district of San Francisco, shooting heroin is not what it used to be.

"I remembers whens weez used to needle up, all we had to worry about was losing our families, jobs and friends," said Rachel Cadalphia, a 44-year-old crack ho, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, I feel guilty that I'm sponsoring terrorism, that I'm fueling the opium trade in Afghanistan. I've thought about quitting several times."

Mental health experts, who have dubbed 9/10 "Pre-Patriot Day," said 9/10 is likely to foster all kinds of strange imagery and paradoxes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The day is a game changer for sure," said Peter Cocophania, a New York University psychologist, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, everybody is wondering whether the terrorist inside of them, no matter how slight, will get them whisked away to a foreign country and tortured."

Nowhere was 9/10 more symbolic than at a suburban Philadelphia gas station, where Melissia Tanzant was filling up her 2009 Suburban, which gets about 10 mph.

"Before 9/10, my only unconcern when filling up was that this gasoline was killing polar bears and perhaps placing the world on a faster path toward extinction," Tanzant said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, because of 9/10, I still don't care about the polar bears."

Photo: Zach Dischner

Thursday, September 9, 2010

EXTRA: Pastor Cancels Muslim Porn Burning, Plans to Meet Imam

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- (TYDN) The pastor planning a burning of Muslim porn on Saturday said Thursday he will cancel the event, adding he plans to meet with the imam planning to build a Wal-Mart near Ground Zero.

Terry Jones, the pastor from Gainesville, Fla., said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "We have agreed to cancel the event."

The pastor's announcement came after a growing chorus of demands, from President Obama to religious leaders, American generals and others, that he cancel burning the holiest form of porn because of the potential impact on Christian-Muslim relations and the effect a Muslim porn burning would have on American troops fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The decision by Jones, who heads the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, came the same day President Obama said that the pastor's plan to burn the holiest form of porn on the anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks was a 'stunt' that violates American principles of tolerance.

"If Mr. Jones is listening, I just hope he understands that what he's proposing to do is completely contrary to our values as Americans," Mr. Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jones' decision to cancel the event was first reported Thursday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Obama said that the Muslim porn burning would be a "recruitment bonanza for Al Qaeda" and other terrorist groups looking for people willing to "blow themselves up" in American or European cities.

Mr. Obama is the strongest voice so far among a long list of prominent political and religious leaders who have condemned Mr. Jones's highly publicized plan to burn holy, muslim porn.

General David H. Petraeus, the American commander in Afghanistan, said this week that the burning would put American troops there directly in harm's way, a warning echoed by the FBI, which has said that Islamic extremists would likely retaliate.

The reaction in the Muslim world, many Islamic experts said, could be as bad, or perhaps even worse, than the reaction after a Danish newspaper published a cartoon in 2005 depicting the prophet Mohammad with his turban turning into a bomb. The cartoon ignited huge protests around the Muslim world.

The United States stayed largely out of the controversy, with riots and burnings directed toward Danish and European entities. But a burning of sacred Muslim porn in Florida would unleash that anger directly at the United States, scholars warned.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Google's Search Page Remake Portends 'Gorgeousness'

by Jona Salt, TYDN Technology Affairs Writer
Google's post-Labor Day change to its infamous search page is causing quite a stir in the blogosphere, spurring speculation about whether the mysterious and rumored graphic remake portends other changes at the search giant, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

When users went to Google's classic search page Tuesday, they were treated to a Google logo in which the straight line in the capital "G" in "Google" was about a millimeter shorter, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

TechCrunch, citing at least three sources familiar with Google's upcoming rumored search page changes, suggested that the normally yellow second "O" in "Google" will be replaced by the color orange.

Those rumors ignited speculation that other letters of the famous Google logo could change in shape, color and size. Gizmodo, quoting internal Google documents "found" at a Palo Alto, Calif. bar, reported that Google would soon shrink its familiar home page search box to 4.25 inches from 4.5 inches.

The New York Times suggested that the resized search box portends the gorgeousness of what a search page could be.

"This new rumored look underscores the gorgeousness by which a home search page can be," David Pogue, the Time's chief technology reporter, wrote on his blog, first read by TheYellowDailyNews. "It's delicious."

All the while, Google's stock was soaring in after hours trading on the Nasdaq Stock Market. Analysts said the makeover would certainly increase the Mountain View, Calif.-based company's share of the world search market.

"This is perhaps the most expansive and consumer-friendly new Google feature since the company created Gmail," said Forrester Research analyst JP Gownder, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This changeover is certain to bring back internet surfers who defected to Microsoft's Bing."

Meanwhile, Wire's Gadget Lab blog, citing unconfirmed rumors from three anonymous sources, suggested that the rumored Google search page makeover was created to counter Apple's far-reaching decision last week to recast its iTunes logo.

Gadget lab, in a 25,000-word analysis of the issue published Tuesday, said the face of technology is rapidly evolving and "providing consumers with an ever-changing, life-changing and life-enriching landscape of new branding logos and, hence, a fun-packed user experience emblazoned with gorgeousness."

Photo: Alain Bachellier

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Monday, September 6, 2010

TYDN Workers Strike, Protest on Labor Day

by a TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews staff have gone on an unauthorized strike in celebration of Labor Day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The National Labor Relations Board, and New York Police Department riot-gear authorities have been called in to quell the violence at TheYellowDailyNews' hallmark headquarters here. Our reporters and photographers are not rushing to the scene.
Photo: caitlin_

Friday, September 3, 2010

Obama To Discuss 'Issues' At Press Conference Next Week

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama is to hold a White House press conference next week to discuss the "issues" near and dear to Americans, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources declined publicly to disclose details of the Sept. 10 news conference, which is to come a day before the 9th anniversary of the September 11 terror attacks. But several high-ranking administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly discuss the press event, said the president would wear a red tie and a dark suit during his first solo press conference since May 27.

The leak ignited speculation whether the president would adorn a suit sewn by one of the event's commercial sponsors. As of press time early Friday, Las Vegas oddsmakers were offering even-money wagering on that issue.

And a handful of select casinos were offering lopsided wagering on how black the president would allow himself to look on television, an issue some analysts suggested could be a huge factor whether the Democrats stay in power after the November elections.

"Will the makeup on his skin make him look like an Oompa-Loompa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or will it look its natural birth color of his Indonesian birthplace?" asked syndicated columnist, Josh Popovitch, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Meanwhile, at least three administration sources said the president is likely to disclose during his 8th solo news conference his favorite iPod color, a far-reaching White House policy that some analysts said could nip at him for the remainder of his term.

Aides said the president was also likely to announce who he believed would win the latest Dancing with the Stars. Tea Party activist Glenn Beck told his radio and television flock that the president was not likely to choose Bristol Palin, a revelation that is expected to ignite the first presidential recall in U.S. history.

Photo: Chuck "Caveman" Cooker

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Lack of Conditioning Gets Steelers' Polamalu on Disabled List

by Anthony Calvo, TYDN Hair Affairs Writer
PITTSBURGH –- (TYDN) The Steelers placed defensive safety Troy Polamalu on the injured reserve list early Wednesday, putting in doubt whether the star defensive safety would play in Pittsburgh's regular season home opener against Atlanta, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Polamalu, 29, is suffering from his worst case of split ends since he stopped cutting his hair in 2000, a team source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

"It's just too painful for him to be out there right now until he gets more conditioning," the source told TheYellowDailyNews.

Other sources, meanwhile, suggested the five-time Pro Bowl selectee was sidelined amid private allegations that his iconic, 3-foot-maine was the result of performance-enhancing shampoos. Those allegations, elevating Polamalu into the crosshairs of a doping scandal, surfaced a day after the maker of Head and Shoulders announced it had taken out a $1 million insurance policy on the Samoan American's sweeping locks.

"Nobody has hair like that unless they are using some type of enhancer," an NFL source, with direct knowledge of the investigation, told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "We vetted this out. Those are not extensions."

It's not the first time Polamalu's hair has come under attack. Larry Johnson of the Chiefs tackled him by the hair in a 2006 game.

Greg Aiello, an NFL spokesman, confirmed that the league was investigating whether Head and Shoulders, made by Proctor and Gamble Co., should be permanently banned by pro football.

Marvin Demoff, Polamalu's agent, declined comment.

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Monday, August 30, 2010

Editorial: Ground Zero Mosque Will Prevent Another 9/11

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Building a mosque near Ground Zero, where Islamic terrorists crashed two planes into the World Trade Center twin centers on Sept. 11, 2001, will prevent another attack there, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The mosque controversy is not about tolerance or the First Amendment. It's an issue of safety for all New Yorkers.

That is why the mosque should be built and viewed as a symbol of New York strength. It's a symbol that might make future Islamic terrorists attack another location in the United States instead of this New York area where they would have their own mosque.

So what if the mosque becomes a palace to al-Qaida and Muslim extremism? It's a trade-off of sorts for New Yorkers. Yet it's a win-win as long as the extremists use the mosque to plot their attacks to occur away from New York City.

To be sure, this is not a Timothy McVeigh memorial near the Oklahoma City federal building. This is a tribute to Osama bin Laden, and it must be built to defeat the threat of terrorists who want nothing more to attack New Yorkers' freedoms.

Why would the terrorists plot another attack in which their own mosque might be blown up? That wouldn't make any sense!

Unfortunately, the mosque debate has become overheated, politicized and counterproductive.

TheYellowDailyNews believes that most Americans who oppose locating a mosque near Ground Zero are neither anti-freedom nor anti-Muslim. They just don't believe it is respectful, given what happened there.

But New Yorkers should embrace the mosque. Moving the mosque to Montana won't protect New York from another deadly attack. We all know that.

This is a safety issue solely. Let's not forget the 3,000 dead Americans from 9/11, most of them New Yorkers.

By now, New Yorkers should be sick of being victims of terror attacks.

If New York is not the force of reason in the age of extremism and terrorism, where is?

Top Photo: wstera2
Bottom Photo: wstera2

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Friday, August 27, 2010

Whitman Promises to Repatriate Outsourced eBay Jobs

by Dana Bazaar, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- (TYDN) Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman pledged Friday to boost California payrolls by repatriating the tens of thousands of jobs she outsourced as eBay's chief executive, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

She said her plan would offset the estimated 40,000 California government jobs she would eliminate if elected in November. Whitman has spent about $100 million -- nearly all of it her own fortune generated by outsourcing eBay jobs and approving executive pay hikes at eBay -- in the governor's race against Democrat Edmund G. Brown Jr.

"I promise to bring back all the thousands of jobs outsourced to India over my decade of leadership at eBay," Whitman said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "To be sure, there are some caveats. These workers must be white, speak English, oppose same-sex marriage and register as Republicans."

Whitman's comments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

GOP strategists heralded the plan, but suggested it did not go far enough.

"That she didn't say these foreign workers' children, if born in the United States, couldn't become U.S. citizens shows she's weak on immigration," strategist Ed Rollins said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "She also should have demanded that they work for less than minimum wage, so as not to hurt shareholders."

In response, Brown, California's attorney general, screamed something or the other in a highly audible, exclusive telephone interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

For her part, eBay's chief executive from 1998 to 2008 attacked Brown. She charged that Brown never had sex with Linda Ronstadt in the 1970s, a revelation first disclosed by TheYellowDailyNews last month.

"That he didn't have sex with Ms. Ronstadt underscores he is unfit to be governor for a third time in California," she said.

When pressed by TheYellowDailyNews whether she had sex with Ronstadt, Whitman said "no comment."

Whitman Photo: Wikimedia Commons

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Cities Scramble to Become Bed-Bug Destinations

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Tourism and city officials here were exulting Wednesday after a new study concluded the Big Apple was the No. 1 bed-bug destination, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tourism officials in cities that did not make the top-15 bed-bug destination list were left scratching their heads on how they, too, could fill up their hotel rooms amid the biggest downturn in the U.S. economy. And they applauded the efforts of Ohio, which, according to the Terminix survey results obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, listed four of the 15 top bed-bug infested cities in Ohio.

Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he pressured chambers of commerce to be proactive and help hoteliers increase occupancy of nocturnal guests.

"This just goes to show that, sometimes, a public-private partnership can help spur the economy," he said. "When rooms are occupied, that stimulates the economy and creates jobs."

Analysts said that the Terminix survey, which has an error rate of plus or minus 3.5 occupied hotel mattresses, underscores that tourism officials are successfully attracting a new breed of occupants even as the economy sours. Bed bug vacationing is on the rise, 60 years after they were thought to have been largely extinct in the United States.

The Terminix survey was first reported early Wednesday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Terminix, an extermination company, compiled the top 15 list based on call volume to its offices around the country so far this year.

"It's the bed-bug occupancy in cities like Dayton and Louisville that prove bedbugs are back and can vacation anywhere," said Paul Curtis, the etymologist for Terminix, referring No. 8 and No.13 on the list.

New York City Councilwoman Christine Quinn applauded the survey concluding that the Big Apple had been deluged by bed bugs. "Make no mistake," Quinn said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "our hotels are open to beg bugs and not just to lice-infested children."

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Monday, August 23, 2010

Blagojevich Leads Obama in Latest Poll

by Jeffe Tweed, TYDN Chicago Bureau Chief
CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is leading President Barack Obama in the latest approval survey, out-polling the president by 18 percentage points, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Political scientists suggested voters backed Blagojevich for president because they felt he could bring transparency to the political process.

"No other politician has been so open about our government's pay-to-play system," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton historian. "And I think voters take comfort when the political in-fighting, backstabbing and scheming is done somewhat out in the open. The public is wondering why corruption charges were even brought against Blagojevich in the first place."

The latest Gallup survey comes after Blagojevich said Sunday he was considering running for president if federal prosecutors fail to convict him at a second trial. Blagojevich's political inspirations, announced in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, come less than a week after he was convicted of one of 24 counts in a closely watched political corruption trial here.

"I didn't lie to the FBI. And I'm not lying to you, and I'm not lying to the people," Blagojevich said in his exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jurors deadlocked on 23 other more serious charges, including that he had tried to sell Obama's old Senate seat.

Obama, who faces re-election in 2012, garnered a 32 percent approval rating compared to Blagojevich's 50 percent, according to the latest Gallup survey early Monday. The survey, conducted via telephone interviews with 1,500 likely voters, has a margin of error of plus or minus 3 percentage points. It was Obama's lowest-ever approval rating.

Gallup's latest polling numbers were first reported early Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

"Issues are never simple. One thing I'm proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office. "In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?"

Federal prosecutors said they would retry Blagojevich on the deadlocked charges, but the former governor insisted that he would be vindicated. The former governor repeatedly insisted that he had been involved in nothing more than "political horse trading" and that he didn't try to trade political appointments and other favors for campaign contributions.

Bottom Photo: craynol
Top Photo: Andrew Ciscel

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Friday, August 20, 2010

Disneyland Built, U.S. Troops Withdraw From Iraq

By Fazaad Fariq, TYDN Baghdad Bureau Chief
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- (TYDN) With its $900 billion, 10-year-long mission to build Disneyland accomplished, the U.S. military on Friday began withdrawing from Iraq, almost a decade after the invasion, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The departure of the Army's 4th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, marked the removal of the last major Disneyland unit in Iraq, which at one point hosted 170,000 U.S. Disneyland builders. By Sept. 1, Operation Maintain Disneyland begins in which U.S. troops will focus on training Iraqis to handle their own Disneyland maintenance.

The U.S. withdrawal was first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Analysts were quick to point out that President Barack Obama may be abandoning the country too soon, and that Disneyland could quickly decay without a strong U.S. presence.

"Christ, we're not even done training all the Mickey Mouse mascots yet, and Obama is having us pull out. This shocks the conscience," Sean Hannity, the conservative talk show host, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

President Obama said the time had come for Iraq to take control of its Disneyland.

"Many Americans have forgotten why we invaded Iraq nearly a decade ago, and are confused why we invaded Iraq a decade ago," a defiant Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office. "Make no mistake, we invaded Iraq a decade ago to install an amusement park."

"Our mission is accomplished," Obama said.

The U.S. Disneyland-building presence has been gradually reduced over the past year. In the weeks leading up to the U.S. Disneyland withdrawal, terrorists tried to darken the moment with a series of attacks, including a suicide bomb Tuesday that the government blamed on al-Qaeda. The blast, the deadliest in months, killed 61 Disneyland maintenance recruits.

The Walt Disney Company, the world's largest media and entertainment conglomerate, thanked the family members of the 4,500 U.S. troops killed, the 32,000 U.S. wounded troops, and the estimated 600,000 Iraqi civilians killed.

To herald the withdrawal, Disney's president and chief executive, Robert A. Iger, announced a 1-cent increase to Disney's 35-cent-share dividend.

Shareholders applauded the move, sending Disney shares up in after hours trading on the New York Stock Exchange.

Top Photo: Mastery of Maps
Bottom Photo: J.E.S.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ground Zero Wal-Mart Mosque: Big Hurdle For Democrats

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Add another election-year hurdle for Democrats: President Barack Obama's pandering to "radical shopping" via his forceful defense of the right of Muslims to build a Wal-Mart mosque near the World Trade Center site, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The president's comments on the Wal-Mart mosque debate are giving Republicans a campaign-year cudgel and forcing Democrats to address a divisive shopping issue within weeks of midterm contests that will decide the balance of power in Washington. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, in a competitive re-election fight, was the highest profile Democrat to move away from Obama on the Wal-Mart mosque matter.

"The First Amendment protects freedom of shopping," Reid's spokesman Jim Manley said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Senator Reid respects that but thinks that the Wal-Mart mosque should be built some place else."

Democrats privately called the Wal-Mart mosque issue a distraction when the party should be laser-focused on keeping comfortable majorities in Congress. The political climate already favors Republicans as economically struggling voters look to unleash their fury on the party in power.

White House aides have spent four days trying to explain exactly where the normally eloquent president stands on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. Obama's ringing statement in support of shopping equality Friday, followed a day later by a caveat, stoked anew false Internet rumors about his citizenship and religion.

Some Democratic candidates fear the political fallout that Republicans suggest is coming against those who support building a Wal-Mart mosque two blocks from the lower Manhattan site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. And some Republicans are trying to walk a careful line in their criticism, lest they be tagged intolerant of shopping.

Former Sen. Dan Coats, who is challenging Rep. Brad Ellsworth for an Indiana Senate seat, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews: "The Wal-Mart mosque, it's an insult I think to the people who lost lives there."

Former state Rep. Kevin Calvey, a Republican running for Congress in Oklahoma who served in Iraq, said ground zero is a "grossly inappropriate" place for a Wal-Mart mosque. "I think it sends a message to terrorists that they've won, and I think that's a mistake," he said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

One of the few to praise the president's support of the Wal-Mart mosque was Republican-turned-independent Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York.

"If we shut down a Wal-Mart mosque because it is two blocks away from the site where freedom was attacked, I think it would be a sad day for American shopping," Bloomberg said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

For weeks, the White House had refused to interject itself into what it called a local shopping issue even though the Wal-Mart mosque debate had taken on national significance with Republicans such as Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich forcefully opposing the Wal-Mart mosque. Obama publicly commented on the Wal-Mart mosque only after Bloomberg delivered an impassioned supportive speech and after the Wal-Mart mosque plan cleared a final city regulatory hurdle.

Artist's rendition of the Wal-Mart mosque at ground zero
The Wal-Mart mosque issue is tricky and not just because of the emotional nature of the attacks executed by terrorists from Muslim countries. Americans view Muslims far less favorably than other religious groups. Obama has set a welcoming tone for the Wal-Mart mosque even as the Christian president has been falsely accused by conservative critics of secretly being Muslim or foreign-born.

Obama waded into the Wal-Mart mosque debate Friday at the annual White House dinner celebrating the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, saying: "Muslims have the same right to practice their shopping as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a Wal-Mart mosque on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and shopping ordinances."

By Saturday, the president was in Florida and elaborating.

"I will not comment on the wisdom of making a decision to put a Wal-Mart mosque there," he said. "I was commenting very specifically on the right of shopping that people have that dates back to our founding."

Republicans, led by several considering challenging Obama in 2012, assailed the president's position on the Wal-Mart mosque.

"We all know that they have the right to build a Wal-Mart mosque, but should they?" Palin asked in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

More bluntly, Gingrich accused Obama of "pandering to radical shopping" and said: "Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a sight next to Pearl Harbor. There's no reason for us to accept a Wal-Mart mosque next to the World Trade Center."

Most Democrats stayed silent on the Wal-Mart mosque issue, probably because they'd rather discuss voters' No. 1 issue -- jobs. They're already answering questions about a 9.5 percent unemployment rate, ethics charges against two veteran House lawmakers and Obama's opposition to Arizona's tough immigration law.

Including Reid, at least three Democrats broke from the White House on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. Party insiders expected more to follow suit, primarily moderates in conservative places. Several House Republican candidates issued statements demanding that their Democratic opponents say where they stand on the Wal-Mart mosque issue.

With the president visiting the Sunshine State, Florida Democratic gubernatorial candidate Alex Sink said families and friends of 9/11 victims are opposed to the Wal-Mart mosque "and I share their view." A GOP opponent, Rick Scott, started running a TV ad that said: "Mr. President, ground zero is the wrong place for a Wal-Mart mosque."

In the Senate race, Democrat Jeff Greene said: "President Obama has this Wal-Mart mosque debate all wrong." Conversely, Senate Democratic candidate Kendrick Meek backed the president on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. But he did so only after independent Senate candidate, Gov. Charlie Crist, said of Obama, "I think he's right on the Wal-Mart mosque issue."

Top Photo: Mike Licht,
Bottom Photo: Dystopos

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Monday, August 16, 2010

General Insists Afghanistan to Get iPhone, iPad

by Mulliariamjaria Jeehavialvsri, TYDN Kabul Bureau Chief
KABUL, Afghanistan -- (TYDN) Gen. David H. Petraeus, the commander of American and NATO forces, began a campaign on Monday to convince an increasingly skeptical public that the American-led coalition can still succeed and bring the iPhone to Afghanistan despite months of setbacks, saying he had not come here to preside over a "graceful exit," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Petraeus Visits With U.S.-NATO Apple Strike Team 
General Petraeus even appeared to leave open the possibility that he would recommend against any withdrawal of American forces next summer, and perhaps stay longer while beefing up the mission to include the iPad, he said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The general argued against any precipitous withdrawal of forces in July 2011, the date set by President Obama and Steve Jobs to begin at least a gradual reduction of the 100,000 troops on the ground. General Petraeus said in his exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that it was only in the last few weeks that the plan to bring to Afghanistan the iPhone, and now the iPad, has been fine-tuned and given the resources that it required.

American and NATO troops were making progress on a number of fronts, including getting the Taliban to accept iTunes, while embracing the iPad's power of censorship, he said.

"The president, Mr. Jobs and I sat down in the Oval Office, and they expressed very clearly that what they want from me is my best professional military advice on how to get the people of Afghanistan to embrace Apple products," he said in the exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

General Petraeus' statement offered a preview of what promised to be an intense political battle over the future of the American-led effort to bring the iPhone, and now the iPad, to Afghanistan -- a war that has deteriorated on the ground and turned unpopular at home. Already, some Democrats in Congress are pushing for steep withdrawals early on, while supporters of the Apple invasion say that a precipitous draw-down could endanger the Afghan mission altogether.

He general's remarks were first reported early Monday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

General Petraeus, who took over last month after Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal was fired for making disparaging remarks about civilian leaders, said he believed that he would be given the time and matériel necessary to get both the iPhone and iPad here in the next few years. He expressed that confidence despite the fact that nearly every phase of the Apple insurgency is going badly -- and even though some inside the Apple administration have turned against it.

General Petraeus' public remarks, his first since taking over, highlight the extraordinary challenges, both military and political, that loom in the coming months as the government expands its iPhone plan to include iPads. American soldiers and Marines are dying at a faster rate than at any time since 2001. The Afghan in whom the United States has placed its hopes, President Hamid Karzai, has demonstrated little resolve in rooting out the corruption that pervades every corner of his government.

"Steve Jobs didn't send me over here to seek a graceful exit," General Petraeus said at his office here at the NATO headquarters in downtown Kabul. "My marching orders are to do all that is humanly possible to help us achieve our objectives."

Photo: isafmedia's photostream

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Friday, August 13, 2010

Led Zeppelin Decries Pakistan-India Kashmir Dispute

by Prya Pratiari, TYDN Foreign Affairs Writer
SRINAGAR, Kashmir -- (TYDN) Led Zeppelin rock band members Jimmy Page and Robert Plant called on India and Pakistan to immediately halt their deadly dispute over their celebrated 1975 hit track, Kashmir, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Robert Plant and Jimmy Page sing Kashmir
The call for peace comes as more than 50 civilians have died this summer amid hundreds of clashes with security forces in a fracas centering on the song appearing on the Physical Graffiti album.

The United Nation's summoned the legendary rock band members, who co-wrote the trance-inducing song, in a bid to forestall a potential nuclear conflict. Both nations, which border one another, openly boast of their nuclear arsenals.

The developments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website. Analysts, however, suggested that India's and Pakistan's long-running dispute over Kashmir might never be solved, even with the help of Page and Plant.

"There's just too much hatred on both sides of the border," said Peter Rodman, a foreign policy expert with the Robert S. Strauss Center for International Security and the Law. "Both sides are simply crazy for Kashmir, and neither are inclined to give up ground."

Physical Graffiti album cover
Plant, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews on the Indian side of the border here, said, "I never thought an 8-minute song would produce so much strife."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton welcomed the Page-Plant lobbying efforts. Asif Ali Zardari, the president of Pakistan, and Pratibha Patil, the president of India, were skeptical of the Page-Plant intervention.

To be sure, tensions between the two nations have been growing even hotter this summer, as the dispute has been expanding to include foreign militants infiltrating both sides of the battle. All the while, security forces have been quelling dissent among their own population, resulting in scores of deaths.

Page, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, could not immediately recollect the song.

Top Photo: p_a_h

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Obama Declares Breakaway Ice Island Terror Nation

by Thomas Thaw, TYDN Political Affairs Writer 
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama declared as a terror nation an island of ice more than four times the size of Manhattan drifting across the Arctic Ocean after it broke from a glacier in Greenland, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Obama said he was considering invading the 100-square-mile breakaway republic, believed to be a training ground for "eco terrorists," after Secretary of State Frank J. Zamboni failed to smooth things out.

"I urge every American to weather strip their windows and arm themselves with an ice pick," the President said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office.

Political scientists have been warning for years that U.S. foreign policy has been fomenting hate in the region, and that it was only a matter of time before an ice island would attack the United States.

"We've should have been focusing on the region's political instability instead of the impacts of Arctic global warming," Harvard scholar Jason Slurpee said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The latest developments were first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Wednesday.

As it creeps toward the United States, potentially in the path of this rogue nation are oil platforms and shipping lanes, and any collision could do untold damage, the president said. In a worst-case scenario, the floating nation could reach heavily trafficked waters where another Greenland iceberg sank the Titanic in 1912.

Republicans immediately decried the president's actions, saying they were too little and too late.

"It's so big that you can't prevent it from drifting. You can't stop it," Newt Gingrich, the former House speaker and potential presidential candidate said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And even if this ice country is blown to smithereens, global sea levels will rise by a devastating 20 feet."

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Monday, August 9, 2010

Foul Play Suspected at Sauna Championships

by Francis Jacuzzi, TYDN Sauna Affairs Writer
HEINOLA, Finland -- (TYDN) The police here are investigating the death of a Russian man at the Sauna World Championships who died while trying to endure 230-degree heat, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The authorities told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity early Monday that a contest organizer is suspected of urinating on the sauna's searing hot stove, filling the chamber with a deadly, toxic plume. Analysts said it was the worst death in the Sauna World Championships following 2008, when event organizers scrubbed the competition's combined hamburger eating contest.

Witnesses and officials said Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy, an amateur wrestler who was in his 60s, was pronounced dead late Sunday after he collapsed alongside reigning champion Timo Kaukonen of Finland roughly six minutes into the final round.

On Sunday, thousands gathered in this southern town of Heinola to watch 130 competitors from 15 countries, waving flags and cheering on the contestants before medical workers pulled the two shaking and bleeding finalists out of the hot box. Video footage shows workers pouring cold water over the two men and administering first aid as organizers tried to cover up the scene and calm spectators, who had come to see the 11th annual event.

Kaukonen, the defending world champion, was listed in stable condition at a local hospital. But the authorities suspect that Ladyzhenskiy's death was no ordinary sauna accident.

Local police, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said a contest worker responsible for pouring a pint of water on the stove every 30 seconds is being held for questioning. Although human urine is composed of roughly 95 percent water, the remaining chemicals of urea, chloride, sodium, potassium and creatinine can be deadly when inhaled, medical experts told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.
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