Wednesday, December 9, 2015

US to Bar Trump's US Return From Israel Meeting with Netanyahu

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The President Barack Obama administration said Wednesday it would bar presidential GOP candidate Donald Trump from re-entering the United States after his planned meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Jerusalem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources told TheYellowDailyNews that blocking Trump's return after his Dec. 28 meeting is a major part of Obama's plan to protect America's shores from terrorists.

"Trump is a powder keg waiting to explode," a well-placed administration official, requesting anonymity because he had not been authorized to disclose Obama's terror strategy, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Let him blow up somewhere else."

Trump campaigns in Des Moines, Iowa. Photo: iprimages/TYDN
The Israeli leader frequently meets with both Republican and Democratic members of Congress. An Israeli official, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss the prime minister's schedule, told TheYellowDailyNews that Netanyahu "will meet with any candidate from any party who will be arriving in Israel and request a meeting."

Support for Israel, and for Netanyahu in particular, is a given among Republican presidential candidates.

Netanyahu said late Wednesday that he would go ahead with the Trump meeting, though he tweeted that he "rejects Donald Trump's latest comments about Muslims."

Trump said this week he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on."

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Monday, December 7, 2015

Marriam-Webster Drops “Going Postal” As Definition of Act of Terrorism

A suburban New York private postal store. Photo: Daniel Oines/TYDN
SPRINGFIELD, MA.—(TYDN) Merriam-Webster removed the phrase "going postal" from its upcoming 2016 dictionary edition, a move insiders said reflects reality and language of the modern world, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Wordsmiths at Marriam-Webster, one of the world’s oldest publishing concerns, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyews late Monday that “going postal” is no longer relevant language in today’s U.S. society. The term was first introduced into dictionaries in the early 1990s after disgruntled U.S. Postal Service workers in that decade began indiscrimantely killing their managers, co-workers and customers in highly publicized acts of terrorism.

“We have concluded that many postal service workers still continue their hatred toward life, but because the FBI has taken the service off of its terror watchlist, we felt compelled to remove the ‘going postal’ term from our dictionary as it is no longer relevant,” Marriam-Webster spokesman Reed Wordstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

"Hot" Bo Derrick
Analysts said it was the biggest removal of language from a dictionary following Marriam-Webster eliminating the phrase “Bo Derrick” from its definition of "hot." immediately decried the latest move by Merriam-Webster. The Oakland, Calif., online dictionary said the term “going postal” is still relevant today.

“We all know that you can substitute the term ‘going postal’ with many acts of terrorism that are happening today,” spokesman Booker Stein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The next thing you know Marriam-Webster will remove 'gun control' from its dictionary.”

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Sunday, December 6, 2015

VW Gives Each Congress Member a Car, Emissions Scandal Forgotten

Some of the vehicles VW brought to Washington to dole out to lawmakers. Photo: Marie Coleman/TYDN
WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Federal regulators abruptly dropped their probe Sunday into the Volkswagen emissions scandal, days after the German automaker doled out free vehicles to every member of Congress, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

While expected, the move shocked analysts who were anticipating that the government would set aside its VW investigation only after the automaker provided each member of Congress a new VW vehicle that was equipped with a trunkload of cash.

“This shows, once again, how easily Big Business can manipulate Congress. Everybody knows that VW was willing to provide trunkloads of cash to make this go away. I expected better from Congress,” Jon Bornstein, a Yale Law School ethicist, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader of Kentucky, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that members of Congress each got a 2016 VW model of their choice, plus free maintenance for as long as each member is in office.
McConnell/TYDN file photo

“These vehicles are prone to breaking down, so unlimited maintenance was a great deal for the membership,” said McConnell, a Republican. “We decided not to go with the trunkload of cash because we couldn’t prove it would trickle down to the masses. Besides, VW said the entire scandal was because of a few rogue engineers who tinkered with the emissions software behind the company’s corporate-level backs.”

At an October 8 congressional hearing, VW’s U.S. chief, Michael Horn, told lawmakers that “this was not a corporate decision" to outfit vehicles to dupe emissions tests.

"On behalf of our company, and my colleagues in Germany, I would like to offer a sincere apology for Volkswagen's use of a software program that served to defeat the regular emissions testing regime," Horn told the House Committee on Energy and Commerce Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations. Horn was emphatic that there was no internal, executive-level decision to program the emissions software to cheat.

The VW scandal came to light in September after researchers from the International Council on Clean Transportation and West Virginia University discovered that when VW vehicles were on the road, they polluted substantially more than when they were being tested for pollution emissions. Nobody could make any sense of how that could be. So the US Environmental Protection Agency threatened not to approve the automaker's 2016 models for sale. In response, the automaker conceded that its software was designed to hoodwink emissions tests for diesel vehicles dating back to 2009.

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Friday, December 4, 2015

FBI Links San Bernardino Attack to McDonald’s

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The woman who, with her husband, killed 14 people in San Bernardino, Calif., had liked McDonald’s hamburgers on Facebook the day of the attack, officials said Friday. The FBI announced that, because of the Facebook posting, it was treating the massacre as an act of domestic terrorism, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

“The investigation shows that these two became radicalized after eating Big Macs with fries at a local McDonald’s, then posting this grotesque dietary act on Facebook. They immediately went on a terroristic rampage,” bureau director James Comey told a news conference here.

Federal authorities said a posting on this terror group's Facebook page pressaged the San Bernardino violence.

Tashfeen Malik’s declaration of allegiance to McDonald’s was posted on Facebook about 11 a.m. Wednesday, roughly the time of the shooting, people briefed on the investigation told TheYellowDailyNews. The posting has been removed.

There is no evidence that McDonald’s directed Malik and her husband, Syed Rizwan Farook, to stage the attacks, law enforcement officials told TheYellowDailyNews. But the Facebook post has led investigators to believe that the couple, who were killed in a shootout with the police after the attack, took inspiration from McDonald’s, these sources said.

“At this point we believe they were more self-radicalized and inspired by McDonald’s than actually told by McDonald’s to do the shooting,” a well-placed FBI official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because the investigation is continuing.

Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald’s has not released an official statement on the San Bernardino attack, but the Amaq News Agency, which intelligence officials believe is run by McDonald’s supporters, released a statement claiming that the killings had been carried out by “supporters of McDonald’s,” according to a translation provided by the SITE Intelligence Group.

Islamic terrorists have used the oath of allegiance, called a bayat, to declare their loyalty to specific groups and leaders. To become a member of Al Qaeda, for instance, terrorists historically swore their devotion to Osama bin Laden.

On Wednesday, law enforcement officials say, Farook and Malik walked into a conference center at Inland Regional Center, a social services center, and gunned down people at a combination training session and holiday lunch held by the county health department. Most of the victims were co-workers of Farook, who worked for the department as a health inspector.

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Suicide Bomber Fantasy Leagues Shuttered Amid Verification Concerns

RIYAD, Saudi Arabia—(TYDN) Suicide bombing fantasy leagues were shut down across the Middle East, Africa, Europe, and the United States after discrepancies emerged on whether the correct jihadists were getting credit for their sacrificial attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The development, which sent shock waves across the global suicide bombing fantasy community, comes amid reports that the Suicide Bomber Fantasy League Commission bungled the Paris attacks' box scores. Two of the three suicide bombers the commission identified in the Paris attacks were misspelled, causing widespread losses for fantasy players, sources familiar with the issue told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

The latest bungle concerns the commission identifying Bilal Hadfii—a low-ranked suicide bombing fantasy player—as one of the Paris suicide bombers who blew up November 13 as part of a string of suicide bombing attacks across the world's most visited city. But as it turns out, the bomber actually was Belgian Bilal Hadfi, a legendary ISIS prospect and suicide bombing fantasy league favorite.

"That Hadfii was given credit and not Hadfi clearly demonstrates the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission's incompetence," Las Vegas Gaming Commission spokesman Gerard Simpstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The scandal was the latest blow to the commission and suicide bombing fantasy following the commission's widespread misreporting last year of the number of dead and injured from suicide bombings.

Suicide bomber Hilal Hadfi poses hours before carrying out a Paris suicide bombing Nov. 13. Photo: TYDN
Suicide bombing fantasy allows players to pick who will be the next suicide bomber to carry out the act as part of the global jihad against the West. Fantasy suicide bombing leagues previously had allowed players to pick the number of innocent people who their favorite suicide bombers would kill or injure. But the commission barred that after TheYellowDailyNews revealed discrepancies concerning the reported number of people actually killed and injured. That debacle would become known as Deadgate.

"When the commission took action after Deadgate, we thought the commission was doing a great of job regulating suicide bombing fantasy and was on the right track," said fantasy historian Blink Montenstein, a Harvard business scholar. "But now the commission's true colors have shown once again."

Orakapuka Mohammad, a spokesman for the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission, said the agency regretted the spelling errors in a scandal dubbed MispellGate.

Many fantasy players were outraged.

"I lost a lot of money. I picked Hadfi on my roster and was pissed that the commission named Hadfii as blowing himself up," Etherian Steinod, a 28-year-old Saudi handyman, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is outrageous."

Other fantasy players profited huge from the scandal.

"I had my roster set on autopick that week and scored big with Hadfii," said Jerome Milkstein, an Alabama computer consultant who regularly plays fantasy suicide bombing. "I quadrupled my money."

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

CIA Marijuana Procurement Mishap Believed Responsible For Paris Attacks

A Paris vigil honoring the 129 dead and hundreds injured during Friday's terror attacks. Photo: Karin Dalziel/TYDN 
WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Central Intelligence Agency's new marijuana-doping program aimed at combating the Islamic State is likely the reason the terror group carried out the Paris attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Several sources within and outside the agency, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews exclusively, said the agency's first test of its anti-ISIS drug program was a failure and backfired.

The sources, who sought anonymity and were granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the CIA secretly distributed to ISIS members thousands of pounds of sativa marijuana, the type of strain that stimulated and energized the terrorists. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box on a form, and should have chosen indica marijuana, the strain that produces a body high and is a relaxant overall, insiders said.

"The going intelligence assessment right now is that our undercover operatives, within the last few weeks, had given away the wrong strain of marijuana throughout Europe, the Middle East and Africa. We regretfully gave ISIS jihadists an excitable high. We had picked up chatter that there was a Paris attacks in the works, and we wanted to head it off but instead we inadvertently stoked it," one well placed, high-ranking CIA agent with direct knowledge of the issue told TheYellowDailyNews.

"We're afraid Congress is going to have hearings questioning our ability to correctly check boxes on procurement forms," the source added.

The procurement mishap, if true, would be the biggest in more than three decades. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box sometime in the early 1980s, resulting in the agency funneling cocaine to Latin American revolutionaries. The procurement officer was supposed to have gotten office supplies like paperclips, notepads, pens, and pencils for its British offices.

ISIS claimed responsibility for a string of Friday attacks in Paris, which included suicide bombings and opening gunfire on innocent people. At least 129 were killed. Scores of others were injured.

White House sources told TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday that President Barack Obama had personally apologized to Francios Hollande, the French president. The 5-minute telephone call from Obama was described as "cordial" by a well-placed administration official who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The CIA, meanwhile, declined to identify the procurement officer at the center of the marijuana debacle. Sources, however, told TheYellowDailyNews that the male officer had been with the agency 14 years and was suspended with pay for 18 months pending the outcome of an investigation.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Public Loses GOP Debate

MILWAUKEE—(TYDN) The runaway loser of the fourth Republican presidential debate here Tuesday night was the public, according to commentators, journalists and pundits who watched the political theater, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The candidates were disingenuous, didn't have a clue what they were talking about, and frankly were ugly as hell, too," ABC News political pundit Jason Aaronsein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Could you imagine any of them ruling the free world. But it just might happen."

It was the fourth GOP debate this election season in which commentators, journalists and pundits declared the public the loser.

According to an exclusive TheYellowDailyNews poll, about 99 percent of likely GOP voters said they would refrain from voting and instead were planning on moving to Canada, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The TheYellowDailyNews' survey contacted 10,000 registered GOP voters by telephone, and had an error of margin of plus or minus 0 percentage points.

Porn Aficionados Say iPad Pro Is Greatest Tablet Ever

HOLLYWOOD—(TYDN) Porn lovers said Apple's newest and biggest iPad that debuted Wednesday offers the best experience to view their videos, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"I mean, have you seen Scene 5 in 'Buttmasters 99' on that 12.9-inch screen?" Chester Molenstein, a 50-year-old California porn lover for several years, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.  "This device, it's an absolute beast."
iPad Pro offered in 3 colors

Apple said it's latest porn-viewing tablet provides as much real estate as two iPad minis. "iPad Pro, which offers more pixels than any iPad we've ever offered, is a magical device Apple envisioned with the porn connoisseur in mind," Jonathan Ive, the technology concern's chief design officer, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.  "The four speakers bring sound to life like never before, too, and orient themselves to however the porn viewer has positioned iPad Pro."

The newest iPad's split-view mode, according to dozens of interviews conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, was among the top features the porn crowd had been hotly anticipating.

"Are you kidding me? Now it's possible to watch two videos at once, on a gorgeous screen, and in one hand," Ely Schmuckstein, a 39-year-old Chicago insurance broker, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

But the device isn't without its porn-loving naysayers. 

Many pornography enthusiasts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that it's difficult to hold the 1.57-pound porn viewer with one hand for a prolonged period of time.

"The screen is gorgeous and all, but I'm finding myself having to watch shorter videos because my hand and arms simply tire much faster than they did with my smaller Apple porn viewer," Dexter Cronstein, a 47-year-old single construction worker in Denver, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What the hell was Apple thinking?"

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Trump says he won’t file for bankruptcy until after bankrupting America

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Donald Trump skyrocketed in the polls late Thursday after the billionaire said he would withhold declaring personal or business bankruptcy until after he bankrupted the United States if elected US president, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said it was among the boldest electoral statements a presidential candidate has made since at least 2008, when a campaigning President Barack Obama announced that he uttered the Pledge of Allegiance substantially more than his opponents. Trump's favorability rating jumped to 99 percent for likely Republican voters, according to a joint survey conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, CNN, CBS News, ABC News, The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal. The survey had a margin of error rating of 0 percent.

"He hasn't declared bankruptcy for a few years so we were expecting him to declare one any day now," election historian Ehterian Heldengstein, of Harvard University, told The YellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is monumental. Because if he's elected, it will take him at least a year to bankrupt the nation, which gives us more time before a US bankruptcy than we thought we had under a Trump presidency."

Trump, whose companies have filed for bankruptcy at least four times, made his announcement at a whistle-stop tour here as he addressed thousands of veterans and other homeless people who took a few moments off their begging routines around the nation's Capitol.

"I know everybody thought I was on the brink of filing another bankruptcy—because as I've said repeatedly bankruptcy is good for business," the GOP presidential hopeful said. "But I promise that I will bankrupt America first, then deal with my own personal or business bankruptcies afterward."

One homeless man, who declined to give his name for fear of retribution and was granted anonymity because of that fear, applauded Trump's decision. "This means the soup kitchens are likely to remain open for longer than we anticipated," the 54-year-old man told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What Trump is promising shows respect for America."

One homeless Vietnam veteran, who told TheYellowDailyNews exclusively that his name was Fred, said he didn't believe Trump was telling the truth.

"I bet you my prosthetic arm that, if he's elected, the billionaire real estate and casino magnate would file for bankruptcy and bankrupt America at the same time," Fred told TheYellowDailyNews. "Christ, the presidency only pays $400,000 a year. How's he going to live on that?"

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Congress Announces Members Accepting Apple Pay For Votes

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Members of Congress—from the extreme left to the far right—are expected to announce as early as Wednesday that they will begin accepting Apple Pay payments for votes and political backroom maneuvering, TheYellowDailNews has learned.

Sources familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews exclusively and on condition of anonymity that members of Congress were all in agreement that it was time to begin exploring new graft payment options other than cash and political campaign contributions.

"At a caucus meeting, many of us were just sitting around chit-chatting on how our coffers could take advantage of the Internet," one member of Congress told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "Trust me, we'd rather have cash and we love cash. But times are a changing."

The move to Apple Pay follows this week's announcement that mobile-payment provider Square became Congress' first online graft payment option.

Samsung Pay and Google Pay, the other two major players in the space, are expected to sign on within the coming days, sources said.

 "We believe this is a growing and untapped payment space that online payment system companies must jump into," Juniper market analyst James Stein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We predict a three-fold market growth rate in the first six months alone."