Thursday, October 5, 2017

ISIS pledges to stand during National Anthem before NFL stadium attacks

RAQQA, Syria—(TYDN) ISIS' top leader said late Thursday that the terror network would stand for the National Anthem ahead of its next NFL stadium game-day terror attack, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi 

The startling development comes amid a firestorm across the United States about whether NFL football players should stand during the National Anthem before their games. Many players have taken a knee to protest their hardships of only earning in a single day what many Americans earn in a year.

The players' protests has earned them harsh condemnation from US President Donald Trump, who says the demonstrations are unpatriotic. And ISIS agrees.

"We have instructed our insurgents to fight with honor, to stand for the National Anthem before their next NFL game-day stadium attack,"
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the ISIS leader, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview here at their Syrian headquarters. "It would be undignified were we not to honor the National Anthem before we slaughter thousands of innocent men, woman, and children on our road to the Caliphate."

In response, Trump took to Twitter to continue his rant against NFL players who refuse to stand during the National Anthem: "Thumbs up, ISIS—Thumbs down NFL! Fake NFL."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has maintained that the players have the right to kneel or to stand during the National Anthem.

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Goodell said that, despite ISIS joining the National Anthem debate, he will stick with an NFL policy to make standing at the discretion of each player.

What's more, he said that the same policy would apply to ISIS fighters attending an NFL stadium game-day attack. "The NFL won't hold anything against any ISIS fighter who chooses to kneel during the National Anthem ahead of a terror attack," Goodell told TheYellowDailyNews. "They have an absolute right to either stand or kneel, just like the players."

Saturday, September 16, 2017

ISIS claims responsibility for US President Donald Trump

ISIS acknowledges "Election Day" U.S. attack, prepares for another in 2020. Photo: YouTube
KOBANI, along the Syria-Turkey border—(TYDN) ISIS on Saturday claimed responsibility for U.S. President Donald Trump, in what many consider is the biggest terror attack unleashed on American soil since the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Intelligence analysts had always suspected ISIS was responsible for the Nov. 8, 2016 so-called "Election Day" attack. But the terror group confirmed the bold attack in a statement released on ISIS telegram channels late Saturday.

United States homeland security officials immediately raised the nation's terror threat level after picking up chatter online and in social media that ISIS was preparing for a repeat "Election Day" Donald Trump attack on Nov. 3, 2020.

"The Election Day terror that ISIS has already unleashed is unprecedented," a well-placed U.S. intelligence official told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We cannot let another time bomb of this proportion happen again on U.S. soil." The intelligence official requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly.

In a related development, ISIS supporters took to the streets here Saturday celebrating after the terror network claimed responsibility for Friday's terror attack on a London Underground train, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hands on: iPhone X is nasty, gorgeous, erotic and arousing

iPhone X is predicted to break up many marriages. Photo: TYDN

CUPERTINO, Calif.—(TYDN) Apple on Tuesday unveiled its most erotic model ever: the buxom iPhone X, complete with a sensual voice and supple curves. iPhone X is simply tantalizing and responsive to the touch, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The arousing model, in both black and white, is guaranteed movie-star parking wherever this eighth wonder of the world goes, whether it be to the Playboy Mansion or to the halls of Hustler Magazine.

After Apple executives showed off the new iPhone X model at the Steve Jobs Theater here, members of the media were treated to exclusive, hands on iPhone X lap dances. Well-placed reporters, including one from TheYellowDailyNews, were lucky enough to have received enhanced, and private lap dances with virgin iPhone X models that had just been unboxed. Tipping was optional, but encouraged.

Here is what members of the media were saying about iPhone X:

"I immediately proposed." —The Wall Street Journal

"I hope what happens in Steve Jobs Theater stays in Steve Jobs Theater." —The New York Times

"Wait, what, you don't need to plug it in? Simply counter intuitive." —Wired

"I picked the wrong time to stop drinking." —TheYellowDailyNews

"Feels just right in my pants." —Ars Technica

"The extended battery life lasted all day and night." —Viagra Daily

"She only speaks when spoken to." —Guns & Ammo

Monday, September 11, 2017

UN Security Council votes to starve North Koreans to protest Kim's nuclear ambitions

North Koreans exult over their upcoming further starvation. TYDN Photo: (stephan)

NEW YORK—(TYDN) The United Nations Security Council on Monday unanimously approved a new round of sanctions on North Korea, one week after the country conducted its sixth and strongest nuclear test to date. The sanctions are designed to bring more hunger in hopes the North's starving republic would revolt against Kim Jong Un, the leader of the world's most repressive regime, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Following the vote here, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Nikki Haley, applauded the food sanctions against the hermit country.

"It is dark and it's getting darker," Haley said. "The entire international community is united against its dangerous, illegal actions. And one day, if there are enough North Koreans alive, they will rise up in a revolution."

A U.S. official familiar with the negotiations, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the Security Council privately believes the latest round of sanctions could push millions into starvation and possibly eventual death—all in a bid to leave Kim without a populace to govern and without the need for nuclear arms.

"This is foreign relations by attrition," said the official in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Under this policy, Kim will give up his thirst to enter the Nuclear Club and the world will be saved from this mad man."

The official defended the U.S. mission from critics who say the sanctions were watered down from an original plan designed to bring Kim to his knees much faster. That strategy included spraying the North Korean public with sarin, a move that would kill off the North Korean public much faster than would starvation.

"The United States would never agree to the use of sarin gas. Starvation, while bringing on death slower, is much safer on the environment and chemical weapons are forbidden by international treaty," the official told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. The official requested anonymity because he was not authorized to address the proposed gas attack.

US President Donald Trump, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive Oval Office interview, said he preferred the sarin gas attack, and he threatened to pull the United States out of the United Nations.

"Jesus Christ, when will this stalemate with Kim ever end," Trump said. "Kim is a mad man and cannot be trusted with nuclear weapons."

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Florida convenience store braves hurricane to overcharge consumers

Hurricane Irma spins toward the Stop N Shop in Miami packing 175 mph winds.
MIAMI—(TYDN) A convenience store is being lauded by this city's mayor for bravery by remaining open as an impending Category 5 hurricane hurtles toward landfall, and charging customers upwards of $15 for a bottle of water, and $50 for six packs of beer, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"This, once again, shows that Miami is working together to help everyone weather Hurricane Irma," Miami Mayor Tomás Pedro Regalado told reporters at a news conference outside the store here as he sipped on a $10 soda purchased from Stop N Shop. "Residents should take delight in the fact that Stop N Shop is making flashlight batteries for $15 each."

However, the US Justice Department, in response to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews into Stop N Shop pricing, said it has opened an investigation into illegal price gouging, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Our laws normally do allow for the offering of goods and services at such outrageous prices that millions of people starve and go homeless," Justice Department spokesman Peter Van said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But during times of emergency, it shocks the conscience that goods and services would be offered at such outrageous illegal prices that they could cause starvation and homelessness."

According to an exhaustive investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, the Stop N Shop was selling bags of chips for $25, feminine napkins for $9 each, Slurpees for $12, and donuts for $8 each. Toilet paper was $10 per roll, and baby food was priced at $25, and diapers $50 each.

After selling a reporter from TheYellowDailyNews a writing pen for $10 so the reporter could take notes because he left his pen at home, the Stop N Shop owner told TheYellowDailyNews that the Justice Department investigation is without merit.

"If pharmaceutical companies can charge $600 for blood thinner, I can charge $15 for a candy bar," Stop N Shop owner Jip Nazerian told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "If global warming continues, my best months are going to be in late summer, and not Christmas."

Monday, August 28, 2017

URGENT: National Weather Service advises Hurricane Harvey to hit landfall last Friday, not next Friday

Eye of the hurricane. PHOTO: NASA
CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas—(TYDN) The National Weather Service late Monday issued an urgent weather advisory, announcing that one of the nation's strongest hurricanes would hit landfall last Friday. The NWS originally had warned that Hurricane Harvey's 130 MPH winds and rains was not expected to reach landfall until next Friday, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The National Weather Service said a "calendaring snafu" was responsible for an error that caused it to belatedly announce the Category 4 storm after it had already rained several feet, flooded cities, caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damage, and killed 5 people in Texas.

"We regret any inconvenience this calendaring snafu has caused," the National Weather Service said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "If you are caught in the storm and able to swim, we urge you to do so."

President Donald Trump, in response, said he would soon visit the storm-ravaged state.

"I better not see any illegal aliens in any rescue shelter," the president told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview late Monday. "If I do, Texas will be in store for more stormy weather."

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Trump pardons Charles Manson, says "both sides" to blame for white-extremist's convictions

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) President Donald Trump pardoned white-extremist Charles Manson, saying Saturday that "both sides" were at fault for the notorious mass-murderer's 1971 convictions in connection to the brutal killing of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Manson elated after release.
Manson espoused a theory in what is known as "Helter Skelter"—an impending race war, and thought the murders he ordered carried out by the so-called Manson Family would help bring that apocalyptic war to fruition.

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews at his new Trump Tower residence, Manson said his release from a California prison only confirms his deep-held secret belief that he would be pardoned someday by a sympathetic president. "I wanted Trump to beat Clinton so bad, as I knew it would probably be my last chance for a get-out-jail free card," the 82-year-old Manson said as he choked back tears from his swastika-tattooed face. "Finally, a US leader publicly supporting Helter Skelter."

Trump won wide praise and condemnation for his first presidential pardon following his assumption to the 45th presidency on Jan. 20. The Ku Klux Klan said it was planning to host rallies in several cities. The NAACP said the pardon was an abuse of power, an assertion that Trump tweeted amounted to "Fake News."

Speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive Oval Office interview here, Trump said Los Angeles County jurors who convicted Manson five decades ago "didn't really understand both sides of the story, that a race war was coming, and that we might as well as get it the hell over with sooner rather than later."

"There's blame on both sides," Trump said.

Shares of Beddings For Less, the nation's largest white sheet manufacturer, jumped 9 percent in pre-market trading on the New York Stock Exchange.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Maker of solar eclipse eyeglasses issues recall after thousands go blind

LOS ANGELES—(TYDN) The producer of a popular pair of solar eclipse eyeglasses issued a recall following widespread reports that tens of thousands of its customers went blind watching Monday's solar eclipse, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Shares of Eclipsyware Co. initially tumbled 25 percent on the New York Stock Exchange. But shares rebounded in after-hours trading when the company pinned blame on its customers. The Los Angeles-based eyewear company nevertheless apologized for the inconvenience to affected customers who purchased the $1.99 Eclipsyware Total Eclipse glasses.
Moments before going blind. Photo: ODOT

Eclipsyware Chief Executive Shaun Seymore, in a conference call with investors, noted that Eclipsyware's 35,000-word terms of service cautioned that staring at the sun "may cause" blindness, and that the Eclipsyware Total Eclipse glasses were "costume" glasses meant to commemorate the first total solar eclipse in decades.

Product liability attorneys told TheYellowDailyNews that this language immunized the company from lawsuits. "Nowhere on the Eclipsyware Total Eclipse packaging does it say these are for staring at the sun," a well placed product-liability attorney with direct knowledge of the terms of service told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "In fact, on page 31 of the 75-page service agreement, the company clearly warns that the Eclipsyware Total Eclipse glasses are not meant to be used to stare at the sun."

Meantime, Seymore told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that the company would give users who lost their eyesight a coupon for a 50 percent discount on their soon-to-be released costume eyewear for the blind.

"This is the least we can do for our valued customers," Seymore told TheYellowDailyNews. "We issued this recall to be responsible corporate citizens to prevent more customers from blinding themselves."

Daylight Pharma Pills Co., the maker of the only FDA drug approved to treat Non-24-Hour Sleep Wake Disorder, announced it would issue a limited supply of 25-percent off coupons for its $995 monthly treatment. Its patented formula helps regulate the internal body clocks of those who lost their eye site.

Shares of Daylight Pharma Pills surged in after-hours trading on the NASDAQ stock exchange.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Americans support North Korea missile attack on White House, poll shows

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) An overwhelming majority of Americans said they were deeply anxious that North Korea would not launch an ICBM missile at the White House, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least 69 percent of US voters responding to a TYDN-CNN-ABC-Politico telephone survey said they were extremely nervous that North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-un, was bluffing when he claimed he had the technology to strike the District of Columbia.

However, the latest survey of 45,000 voters was a major boost to US President Donald Trump. Just last week, 75 percent of respondents said they hoped Pyongyang would follow through on its threats.
Credit: Korean Central News Agency

"This is a remarkable turn of events in only a week's time. There are thousands of fewer Americans today who want to see this launch go through," Dexter Margolian, the lead researcher on the survey, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We were really surprised by the numbers. We thought more Americans would want Pyongyang to succeed, for a change of pace in Washington if for no other reason."

President Trump, speaking to reporters here at the Rose Garden, blasted the Americans who sided with the Hermit kingdom.

"Fake citizens," Trump said.

War games

The survey did not ask respondents for their political affiliation. The poll had a margin of error of zero percentage points, the researchers said.

The poll comes a week before the US and South Korean militaries engage in their annual summer war games along the Korean penninsula—a move that is expected to spark even more rhetoric between Trump and Kim. North Korea's leader says the drills are a dress rehearsal for an invasion of the North.

The developments come a week after Pyongyang and Washington threatened to annihilate each other with nuclear weapons. In response, many Western schools instituted duck-and-cover drills reminiscent of the Cold War.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Tech association mulling new TV color refinements in wake of Trump's "orange effect"

SAN FRANCISCO—(TYDN) The Television Industry Color Association, responding to consumer complaints that televisions cannot adequately bleach out President Donald Trump's "orange effect," is expected to announce next week that TVs shipping in time for the holidays will have new, automated color controls that will address this vexing problem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Matt A.J.
Sources close to what many are saying is the biggest development in television after color became standard, said the new and highly complex technology will combat what many are decrying as Trump's so-called "Cheetos-like hue."

"Consumers have been complaining that there's simply too much orange on the screen when Trump is on air, and we've addressed that," a well-placed source in the Television Industry Color Association told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to disclose the wide-ranging technology. "While many consumers couldn't stand the president because of his political dealings, an even larger majority of Americans couldn't stomach looking at an Orange man as their leader."

Meantime, several high-ranking US intelligence operatives had urged the Television Industry Color Association to come up with a fix to what they said was a "threat to national security." These intelligence officers, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly address the issue, privately told TheYellowDailyNews that "we felt having an Orange-looking president wasn't a good look for a man holding the code of the nation's nuclear arsenal."

Another intelligence official added that Trump's "orangish hue" clashed with the president's red-white-and-blue attire. "I mean, a red or blue tie, and an Orange face and hair, it's simply gauche."

Sources said that all of the major television makers across the globe will adopt the new technology, dubbed "Remove Trump's Orange Color." It is expected to be ready around Thanksgiving time.

While the technology will be standard, consumers will have the option to modify the "Remove Trump's Orange Color" setting. And the setting, to assuage concerns of prejudice from the Cheeto-American community, is disabled by default. In what is considered an olive-branch to the Cheeto-American community, consumers will be presented with the choice to make Trump appear less Orange, or they can also make him look more Orange. They can also leave him in his usual standard-definition orange.

"We started hearing complaints from some leaders of the Cheeto-American community that lighting Trump's skin tone was not acceptable, and was racist to people of Orange color," a well-placed official in the Television Industry Color Association told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "So, in response, we added the default 'Keep Trump Orange' feature."