Saturday, September 16, 2017

ISIS claims responsibility for US President Donald Trump

ISIS acknowledges "Election Day" U.S. attack, prepares for another in 2020. Photo: YouTube
KOBANI, along the Syria-Turkey border—(TYDN) ISIS on Saturday claimed responsibility for U.S. President Donald Trump, in what many consider is the biggest terror attack unleashed on American soil since the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Intelligence analysts had always suspected ISIS was responsible for the Nov. 8, 2016 so-called "Election Day" attack. But the terror group confirmed the bold attack in a statement released on ISIS telegram channels late Saturday.

United States homeland security officials immediately raised the nation's terror threat level after picking up chatter online and in social media that ISIS was preparing for a repeat "Election Day" Donald Trump attack on Nov. 3, 2020.

"The Election Day terror that ISIS has already unleashed is unprecedented," a well-placed U.S. intelligence official told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We cannot let another time bomb of this proportion happen again on U.S. soil." The intelligence official requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly.

In a related development, ISIS supporters took to the streets here Saturday celebrating after the terror network claimed responsibility for Friday's terror attack on a London Underground train, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hands on: iPhone X is nasty, gorgeous, erotic and arousing

iPhone X is predicted to break up many marriages. Photo: TYDN

CUPERTINO, Calif.—(TYDN) Apple on Tuesday unveiled its most erotic model ever: the buxom iPhone X, complete with a sensual voice and supple curves. iPhone X is simply tantalizing and responsive to the touch, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The arousing model, in both black and white, is guaranteed movie-star parking wherever this eighth wonder of the world goes, whether it be to the Playboy Mansion or to the halls of Hustler Magazine.

After Apple executives showed off the new iPhone X model at the Steve Jobs Theater here, members of the media were treated to exclusive, hands on iPhone X lap dances. Well-placed reporters, including one from TheYellowDailyNews, were lucky enough to have received enhanced, and private lap dances with virgin iPhone X models that had just been unboxed. Tipping was optional, but encouraged.

Here is what members of the media were saying about iPhone X:

"I immediately proposed." —The Wall Street Journal

"I hope what happens in Steve Jobs Theater stays in Steve Jobs Theater." —The New York Times

"Wait, what, you don't need to plug it in? Simply counter intuitive." —Wired

"I picked the wrong time to stop drinking." —TheYellowDailyNews

"Feels just right in my pants." —Ars Technica

"The extended battery life lasted all day and night." —Viagra Daily

"She only speaks when spoken to." —Guns & Ammo

Monday, September 11, 2017

UN Security Council votes to starve North Koreans to protest Kim's nuclear ambitions

North Koreans exult over their upcoming further starvation. TYDN Photo: (stephan)

NEW YORK—(TYDN) The United Nations Security Council on Monday unanimously approved a new round of sanctions on North Korea, one week after the country conducted its sixth and strongest nuclear test to date. The sanctions are designed to bring more hunger in hopes the North's starving republic would revolt against Kim Jong Un, the leader of the world's most repressive regime, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Following the vote here, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Nikki Haley, applauded the food sanctions against the hermit country.

"It is dark and it's getting darker," Haley said. "The entire international community is united against its dangerous, illegal actions. And one day, if there are enough North Koreans alive, they will rise up in a revolution."

A U.S. official familiar with the negotiations, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the Security Council privately believes the latest round of sanctions could push millions into starvation and possibly eventual death—all in a bid to leave Kim without a populace to govern and without the need for nuclear arms.

"This is foreign relations by attrition," said the official in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Under this policy, Kim will give up his thirst to enter the Nuclear Club and the world will be saved from this mad man."

The official defended the U.S. mission from critics who say the sanctions were watered down from an original plan designed to bring Kim to his knees much faster. That strategy included spraying the North Korean public with sarin, a move that would kill off the North Korean public much faster than would starvation.

"The United States would never agree to the use of sarin gas. Starvation, while bringing on death slower, is much safer on the environment and chemical weapons are forbidden by international treaty," the official told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. The official requested anonymity because he was not authorized to address the proposed gas attack.

US President Donald Trump, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive Oval Office interview, said he preferred the sarin gas attack, and he threatened to pull the United States out of the United Nations.

"Jesus Christ, when will this stalemate with Kim ever end," Trump said. "Kim is a mad man and cannot be trusted with nuclear weapons."

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Florida convenience store braves hurricane to overcharge consumers

Hurricane Irma spins toward the Stop N Shop in Miami packing 175 mph winds.
MIAMI—(TYDN) A convenience store is being lauded by this city's mayor for bravery by remaining open as an impending Category 5 hurricane hurtles toward landfall, and charging customers upwards of $15 for a bottle of water, and $50 for six packs of beer, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"This, once again, shows that Miami is working together to help everyone weather Hurricane Irma," Miami Mayor Tomás Pedro Regalado told reporters at a news conference outside the store here as he sipped on a $10 soda purchased from Stop N Shop. "Residents should take delight in the fact that Stop N Shop is making flashlight batteries for $15 each."

However, the US Justice Department, in response to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews into Stop N Shop pricing, said it has opened an investigation into illegal price gouging, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Our laws normally do allow for the offering of goods and services at such outrageous prices that millions of people starve and go homeless," Justice Department spokesman Peter Van said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But during times of emergency, it shocks the conscience that goods and services would be offered at such outrageous illegal prices that they could cause starvation and homelessness."

According to an exhaustive investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, the Stop N Shop was selling bags of chips for $25, feminine napkins for $9 each, Slurpees for $12, and donuts for $8 each. Toilet paper was $10 per roll, and baby food was priced at $25, and diapers $50 each.

After selling a reporter from TheYellowDailyNews a writing pen for $10 so the reporter could take notes because he left his pen at home, the Stop N Shop owner told TheYellowDailyNews that the Justice Department investigation is without merit.

"If pharmaceutical companies can charge $600 for blood thinner, I can charge $15 for a candy bar," Stop N Shop owner Jip Nazerian told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "If global warming continues, my best months are going to be in late summer, and not Christmas."