Tuesday, September 11, 2018

One of Trump's Multiple Personalities Claims Responsibility for NYT Anonymous Op-Ed

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) One of President Trump's dozens of personalities claimed responsibility late Tuesday for the anonymous Op-Ed in The New York Times that was critical of the president's leadership style and ability to lead, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The riveting disclosure, first reported by TheYellowDaiyNews, brought an immediate halt to a guessing game gripping Washington over which Trump administration official wrote last week's Op-Ed that said the "president continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our republic," and that his leadership style is "impetuous, adversarial, petty and ineffective."

The confession exposed for the first time what experts said was Trump's 24th complex personality amid growing fears that more Trump personalities are still to surface.

"We've seen a variety of Trump personalities ranging from vile, evil to severely evil and beyond," said John Steinvillage, a Harvard University psychologist. "We're still analyzing where this new personality fits into the puzzle of his multiple personalities, and it opens the possibility that more Trump personalities could come to light as well."
One of Trump's multiple personalties. Photo: haberlernet NET
One of Trump's personalities said that the Trump personality who took credit for the Op-Ed was lying. And the White House, in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews, said that none of Trump's personalities had penned the letter.

"It's crazy to suggest that one of Trump's personalities would commit such a treasonous act," spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in the exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "I've spoken to all of his personalities, and they all deny it, and to suggest otherwise is fake news."

Monday, August 27, 2018

Pope Francis Demands Priests Wear Condoms When Sodomizing Children

VATICAN CITY—(TYDN) Pope Francis, in a bid to protect the safety of children, is now demanding pedophile priests wear condoms when sodomizing kids, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move comes weeks after a grand jury in Pennsylvania concluded that hundreds of priests sexually abused some 1,000 children in a longstanding child-rape cover up. Pope Francis said it was unconscionable that children were exposed to the unprotected genitals of priests, and that unprotected sodomy should never happen again.
Pope Francis waves off allegations he isn't protecting kids from exposure to priests' genitalia. Photo: Long Thiên
"The children need protection from our pedophile ranks and my edict that priests wear condoms while sodomizing innocent children is a long-overdue measure toward that goal," the papal nuncio, who is fighting to keep his job, told the TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I apologize for not taking this needed action sooner."

High-ranking Vatican officials, however, told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that the Pope was going too far, and that demanding priests wear condoms is a fundamental alteration of longstanding Catholic Church protocol that should not be tolerated.

"First he promised to reduce child-rape by 10 percent and now he wants priests to wear rubbers when raping children. This is unconscionable," a well-placed cardinal, requesting anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What's next? Is Pope Francis going to declare the confessional off-limits to child rape?"

Shares of Church & Dwight Company, the maker of the popular Trojan condom, soared in after-hours trading on the New York Stock Exchange.


Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Top ISIS Fighter Forced to Resign Amid Sexual Misconduct Allegations

RAQQA, Syria—(TYDN) One of the most heralded and violent ISIS fighters was forced to resign from the terror network Wednesday after being accused of unwanted sexual advances following a recent attack on the way to the caliphate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Ali Amaki Amoka's resignation sent shockwaves throughout the terror network. ISIS said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews that Amoka, 19, had been praised for hundreds of beheadings of innocent men, women and children. ISIS, however, said that even its most celebrated insurgent had to be removed in light of the groping allegation.
Ali Amaki Amoka. TYDN photo: Jon Alev Eikenes

"Amoka's presence on the slaughtering field will certainly be missed," ISIS said. "But ISIS will not tolerate the unbecoming conduct of unwanted sexual advances, other than the usual raping on the battlefield."

Sources familiar with the Amoka allegations, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to publicly discuss the case, said that Amoka was celebrating a recent car bombing that killed more than a dozen people, including women and children, outside a local hospital here.

"He was so excited by the kill that he slapped the buttocks of a fellow fighter while exulting that he just killed a dozen innocents," according to the source. "The victim reported this gross misconduct and Amoka immediately resigned."

Following the victim's allegations, several other insurgents reported similar conduct by Amoka in the battlefield.

TheYellowDailyNews is not releasing the names of these victims to protect their privacy. One of those victims told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that he and Amoka had just slit the throats of several women and children they raped along the Syria-Turkey border when he was sexually attacked by Amoka.

"We were so excited watching the blood pool and Amoka high-fives me and then suddenly spanked me on the behind as we were exulting," the victim told TheYellowDailyNews. "I was so ashamed that I did not immediately report this gross violation of sexual misconduct."

U.S. President Donald Trump said the Amoka scandal underscores that the United States is winning the war against terror.

"It absolutely shocks the conscience that ISIS would have allowed this sexual predator to join its ranks in the first place," the president told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive Oval Office interview.

Amoka, who was awaiting his public execution at a Syrian prison, declined comment.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

ISIS pledges to stand during National Anthem before NFL stadium attacks

RAQQA, Syria—(TYDN) ISIS' top leader said late Thursday that the terror network would stand for the National Anthem ahead of its next NFL stadium game-day terror attack, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi 

The startling development comes amid a firestorm across the United States about whether NFL football players should stand during the National Anthem before their games. Many players have taken a knee to protest their hardships of only earning in a single day what many Americans earn in a year.

The players' protests has earned them harsh condemnation from US President Donald Trump, who says the demonstrations are unpatriotic. And ISIS agrees.

"We have instructed our insurgents to fight with honor, to stand for the National Anthem before their next NFL game-day stadium attack,"
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the ISIS leader, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview here at their Syrian headquarters. "It would be undignified were we not to honor the National Anthem before we slaughter thousands of innocent men, woman, and children on our road to the Caliphate."

In response, Trump took to Twitter to continue his rant against NFL players who refuse to stand during the National Anthem: "Thumbs up, ISIS—Thumbs down NFL! Fake NFL."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has maintained that the players have the right to kneel or to stand during the National Anthem.

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Goodell said that, despite ISIS joining the National Anthem debate, he will stick with an NFL policy to make standing at the discretion of each player.

What's more, he said that the same policy would apply to ISIS fighters attending an NFL stadium game-day attack. "The NFL won't hold anything against any ISIS fighter who chooses to kneel during the National Anthem ahead of a terror attack," Goodell told TheYellowDailyNews. "They have an absolute right to either stand or kneel, just like the players."

Saturday, September 16, 2017

ISIS claims responsibility for US President Donald Trump

ISIS acknowledges "Election Day" U.S. attack, prepares for another in 2020. Photo: YouTube
KOBANI, along the Syria-Turkey border—(TYDN) ISIS on Saturday claimed responsibility for U.S. President Donald Trump, in what many consider is the biggest terror attack unleashed on American soil since the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Intelligence analysts had always suspected ISIS was responsible for the Nov. 8, 2016 so-called "Election Day" attack. But the terror group confirmed the bold attack in a statement released on ISIS telegram channels late Saturday.

United States homeland security officials immediately raised the nation's terror threat level after picking up chatter online and in social media that ISIS was preparing for a repeat "Election Day" Donald Trump attack on Nov. 3, 2020.

"The Election Day terror that ISIS has already unleashed is unprecedented," a well-placed U.S. intelligence official told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We cannot let another time bomb of this proportion happen again on U.S. soil." The intelligence official requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly.

In a related development, ISIS supporters took to the streets here Saturday celebrating after the terror network claimed responsibility for Friday's terror attack on a London Underground train, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hands on: iPhone X is nasty, gorgeous, erotic and arousing


iPhone X is predicted to break up many marriages. Photo: TYDN

CUPERTINO, Calif.—(TYDN) Apple on Tuesday unveiled its most erotic model ever: the buxom iPhone X, complete with a sensual voice and supple curves. iPhone X is simply tantalizing and responsive to the touch, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The arousing model, in both black and white, is guaranteed movie-star parking wherever this eighth wonder of the world goes, whether it be to the Playboy Mansion or to the halls of Hustler Magazine.

After Apple executives showed off the new iPhone X model at the Steve Jobs Theater here, members of the media were treated to exclusive, hands on iPhone X lap dances. Well-placed reporters, including one from TheYellowDailyNews, were lucky enough to have received enhanced, and private lap dances with virgin iPhone X models that had just been unboxed. Tipping was optional, but encouraged.

Here is what members of the media were saying about iPhone X:

"I immediately proposed." —The Wall Street Journal

"I hope what happens in Steve Jobs Theater stays in Steve Jobs Theater." —The New York Times

"Wait, what, you don't need to plug it in? Simply counter intuitive." —Wired

"I picked the wrong time to stop drinking." —TheYellowDailyNews

"Feels just right in my pants." —Ars Technica

"The extended battery life lasted all day and night." —Viagra Daily

"She only speaks when spoken to." —Guns & Ammo

Monday, September 11, 2017

UN Security Council votes to starve North Koreans to protest Kim's nuclear ambitions

North Koreans exult over their upcoming further starvation. TYDN Photo: (stephan)

NEW YORK—(TYDN) The United Nations Security Council on Monday unanimously approved a new round of sanctions on North Korea, one week after the country conducted its sixth and strongest nuclear test to date. The sanctions are designed to bring more hunger in hopes the North's starving republic would revolt against Kim Jong Un, the leader of the world's most repressive regime, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Following the vote here, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Nikki Haley, applauded the food sanctions against the hermit country.

"It is dark and it's getting darker," Haley said. "The entire international community is united against its dangerous, illegal actions. And one day, if there are enough North Koreans alive, they will rise up in a revolution."

A U.S. official familiar with the negotiations, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the Security Council privately believes the latest round of sanctions could push millions into starvation and possibly eventual death—all in a bid to leave Kim without a populace to govern and without the need for nuclear arms.

"This is foreign relations by attrition," said the official in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Under this policy, Kim will give up his thirst to enter the Nuclear Club and the world will be saved from this mad man."

The official defended the U.S. mission from critics who say the sanctions were watered down from an original plan designed to bring Kim to his knees much faster. That strategy included spraying the North Korean public with sarin, a move that would kill off the North Korean public much faster than would starvation.

"The United States would never agree to the use of sarin gas. Starvation, while bringing on death slower, is much safer on the environment and chemical weapons are forbidden by international treaty," the official told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. The official requested anonymity because he was not authorized to address the proposed gas attack.

US President Donald Trump, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive Oval Office interview, said he preferred the sarin gas attack, and he threatened to pull the United States out of the United Nations.

"Jesus Christ, when will this stalemate with Kim ever end," Trump said. "Kim is a mad man and cannot be trusted with nuclear weapons."

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Florida convenience store braves hurricane to overcharge consumers

Hurricane Irma spins toward the Stop N Shop in Miami packing 175 mph winds.
MIAMI—(TYDN) A convenience store is being lauded by this city's mayor for bravery by remaining open as an impending Category 5 hurricane hurtles toward landfall, and charging customers upwards of $15 for a bottle of water, and $50 for six packs of beer, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"This, once again, shows that Miami is working together to help everyone weather Hurricane Irma," Miami Mayor Tomás Pedro Regalado told reporters at a news conference outside the store here as he sipped on a $10 soda purchased from Stop N Shop. "Residents should take delight in the fact that Stop N Shop is making flashlight batteries for $15 each."

However, the US Justice Department, in response to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews into Stop N Shop pricing, said it has opened an investigation into illegal price gouging, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Our laws normally do allow for the offering of goods and services at such outrageous prices that millions of people starve and go homeless," Justice Department spokesman Peter Van said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But during times of emergency, it shocks the conscience that goods and services would be offered at such outrageous illegal prices that they could cause starvation and homelessness."

According to an exhaustive investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, the Stop N Shop was selling bags of chips for $25, feminine napkins for $9 each, Slurpees for $12, and donuts for $8 each. Toilet paper was $10 per roll, and baby food was priced at $25, and diapers $50 each.

After selling a reporter from TheYellowDailyNews a writing pen for $10 so the reporter could take notes because he left his pen at home, the Stop N Shop owner told TheYellowDailyNews that the Justice Department investigation is without merit.

"If pharmaceutical companies can charge $600 for blood thinner, I can charge $15 for a candy bar," Stop N Shop owner Jip Nazerian told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "If global warming continues, my best months are going to be in late summer, and not Christmas."

Monday, August 28, 2017

URGENT: National Weather Service advises Hurricane Harvey to hit landfall last Friday, not next Friday

Eye of the hurricane. PHOTO: NASA
CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas—(TYDN) The National Weather Service late Monday issued an urgent weather advisory, announcing that one of the nation's strongest hurricanes would hit landfall last Friday. The NWS originally had warned that Hurricane Harvey's 130 MPH winds and rains was not expected to reach landfall until next Friday, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The National Weather Service said a "calendaring snafu" was responsible for an error that caused it to belatedly announce the Category 4 storm after it had already rained several feet, flooded cities, caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damage, and killed 5 people in Texas.

"We regret any inconvenience this calendaring snafu has caused," the National Weather Service said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "If you are caught in the storm and able to swim, we urge you to do so."

President Donald Trump, in response, said he would soon visit the storm-ravaged state.

"I better not see any illegal aliens in any rescue shelter," the president told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview late Monday. "If I do, Texas will be in store for more stormy weather."

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Trump pardons Charles Manson, says "both sides" to blame for white-extremist's convictions

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) President Donald Trump pardoned white-extremist Charles Manson, saying Saturday that "both sides" were at fault for the notorious mass-murderer's 1971 convictions in connection to the brutal killing of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Manson elated after release.
Manson espoused a theory in what is known as "Helter Skelter"—an impending race war, and thought the murders he ordered carried out by the so-called Manson Family would help bring that apocalyptic war to fruition.

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews at his new Trump Tower residence, Manson said his release from a California prison only confirms his deep-held secret belief that he would be pardoned someday by a sympathetic president. "I wanted Trump to beat Clinton so bad, as I knew it would probably be my last chance for a get-out-jail free card," the 82-year-old Manson said as he choked back tears from his swastika-tattooed face. "Finally, a US leader publicly supporting Helter Skelter."

Trump won wide praise and condemnation for his first presidential pardon following his assumption to the 45th presidency on Jan. 20. The Ku Klux Klan said it was planning to host rallies in several cities. The NAACP said the pardon was an abuse of power, an assertion that Trump tweeted amounted to "Fake News."

Speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive Oval Office interview here, Trump said Los Angeles County jurors who convicted Manson five decades ago "didn't really understand both sides of the story, that a race war was coming, and that we might as well as get it the hell over with sooner rather than later."

"There's blame on both sides," Trump said.

Shares of Beddings For Less, the nation's largest white sheet manufacturer, jumped 9 percent in pre-market trading on the New York Stock Exchange.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Maker of solar eclipse eyeglasses issues recall after thousands go blind

LOS ANGELES—(TYDN) The producer of a popular pair of solar eclipse eyeglasses issued a recall following widespread reports that tens of thousands of its customers went blind watching Monday's solar eclipse, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Shares of Eclipsyware Co. initially tumbled 25 percent on the New York Stock Exchange. But shares rebounded in after-hours trading when the company pinned blame on its customers. The Los Angeles-based eyewear company nevertheless apologized for the inconvenience to affected customers who purchased the $1.99 Eclipsyware Total Eclipse glasses.
Moments before going blind. Photo: ODOT

Eclipsyware Chief Executive Shaun Seymore, in a conference call with investors, noted that Eclipsyware's 35,000-word terms of service cautioned that staring at the sun "may cause" blindness, and that the Eclipsyware Total Eclipse glasses were "costume" glasses meant to commemorate the first total solar eclipse in decades.

Product liability attorneys told TheYellowDailyNews that this language immunized the company from lawsuits. "Nowhere on the Eclipsyware Total Eclipse packaging does it say these are for staring at the sun," a well placed product-liability attorney with direct knowledge of the terms of service told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "In fact, on page 31 of the 75-page service agreement, the company clearly warns that the Eclipsyware Total Eclipse glasses are not meant to be used to stare at the sun."

Meantime, Seymore told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that the company would give users who lost their eyesight a coupon for a 50 percent discount on their soon-to-be released costume eyewear for the blind.

"This is the least we can do for our valued customers," Seymore told TheYellowDailyNews. "We issued this recall to be responsible corporate citizens to prevent more customers from blinding themselves."

Daylight Pharma Pills Co., the maker of the only FDA drug approved to treat Non-24-Hour Sleep Wake Disorder, announced it would issue a limited supply of 25-percent off coupons for its $995 monthly treatment. Its patented formula helps regulate the internal body clocks of those who lost their eye site.

Shares of Daylight Pharma Pills surged in after-hours trading on the NASDAQ stock exchange.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Americans support North Korea missile attack on White House, poll shows

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) An overwhelming majority of Americans said they were deeply anxious that North Korea would not launch an ICBM missile at the White House, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least 69 percent of US voters responding to a TYDN-CNN-ABC-Politico telephone survey said they were extremely nervous that North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-un, was bluffing when he claimed he had the technology to strike the District of Columbia.

However, the latest survey of 45,000 voters was a major boost to US President Donald Trump. Just last week, 75 percent of respondents said they hoped Pyongyang would follow through on its threats.
Credit: Korean Central News Agency

"This is a remarkable turn of events in only a week's time. There are thousands of fewer Americans today who want to see this launch go through," Dexter Margolian, the lead researcher on the survey, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We were really surprised by the numbers. We thought more Americans would want Pyongyang to succeed, for a change of pace in Washington if for no other reason."

President Trump, speaking to reporters here at the Rose Garden, blasted the Americans who sided with the Hermit kingdom.

"Fake citizens," Trump said.

War games


The survey did not ask respondents for their political affiliation. The poll had a margin of error of zero percentage points, the researchers said.

The poll comes a week before the US and South Korean militaries engage in their annual summer war games along the Korean penninsula—a move that is expected to spark even more rhetoric between Trump and Kim. North Korea's leader says the drills are a dress rehearsal for an invasion of the North.

The developments come a week after Pyongyang and Washington threatened to annihilate each other with nuclear weapons. In response, many Western schools instituted duck-and-cover drills reminiscent of the Cold War.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Tech association mulling new TV color refinements in wake of Trump's "orange effect"

SAN FRANCISCO—(TYDN) The Television Industry Color Association, responding to consumer complaints that televisions cannot adequately bleach out President Donald Trump's "orange effect," is expected to announce next week that TVs shipping in time for the holidays will have new, automated color controls that will address this vexing problem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Matt A.J.
Sources close to what many are saying is the biggest development in television after color became standard, said the new and highly complex technology will combat what many are decrying as Trump's so-called "Cheetos-like hue."

"Consumers have been complaining that there's simply too much orange on the screen when Trump is on air, and we've addressed that," a well-placed source in the Television Industry Color Association told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to disclose the wide-ranging technology. "While many consumers couldn't stand the president because of his political dealings, an even larger majority of Americans couldn't stomach looking at an Orange man as their leader."

Meantime, several high-ranking US intelligence operatives had urged the Television Industry Color Association to come up with a fix to what they said was a "threat to national security." These intelligence officers, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly address the issue, privately told TheYellowDailyNews that "we felt having an Orange-looking president wasn't a good look for a man holding the code of the nation's nuclear arsenal."

Another intelligence official added that Trump's "orangish hue" clashed with the president's red-white-and-blue attire. "I mean, a red or blue tie, and an Orange face and hair, it's simply gauche."

Sources said that all of the major television makers across the globe will adopt the new technology, dubbed "Remove Trump's Orange Color." It is expected to be ready around Thanksgiving time.

While the technology will be standard, consumers will have the option to modify the "Remove Trump's Orange Color" setting. And the setting, to assuage concerns of prejudice from the Cheeto-American community, is disabled by default. In what is considered an olive-branch to the Cheeto-American community, consumers will be presented with the choice to make Trump appear less Orange, or they can also make him look more Orange. They can also leave him in his usual standard-definition orange.

"We started hearing complaints from some leaders of the Cheeto-American community that lighting Trump's skin tone was not acceptable, and was racist to people of Orange color," a well-placed official in the Television Industry Color Association told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "So, in response, we added the default 'Keep Trump Orange' feature."

Monday, October 3, 2016

Trump says he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Clinton

PUEBLO, Colo.—(TYDN) Donald Trump, the GOP presidential candidate, issued his harshest criticism yet of his campaign rival, saying Monday he "wouldn't waste" his Viagra on Hillary Clinton, the Democratic nominee for president, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"She is so terrible that I wouldn't waste my Viagra on her, even if she were the last woman alive, and I use that term, woman, loosely," said Trump, to huge applause from supporters here at the Pueblo Convention Center. "Presidential. You call that presidential. How can you call her presidential when nobody wants to touch her with a 10-foot pole. And I won't even bring up the Monica Lewinsky scandal."
Illustration: wetwebwork

Later in the day, Trump's comments bumped him about 5 points in national polls conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, bringing the Nov. 8 race to a dead heat. Analysts expected Trump to surge in the polls even more in the coming days in the wake of what many are calling "Viagra-gate."

"Ever since last week's debate, everybody has been saying that Clinton played Trump for a fool, that she led him down a path of no return, and they were right," Harvard University elections scholar Ted Milenstien told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "But now I think the tables have turned, and that Clinton can't deny Trump's Viagra-gate accusations. She's got her work cut out for her."

The development, analysts told TheYellowDailyNews, is certain to consume the campaign agenda just a month away from Election Day 2016. Trump's tax returns, him not paying taxes, his bankruptcies, his Cuba dealings and his comb over aren't likely to be an issue anymore. What's more, Clinton's e-mail scandal, Benghazi and her sullied record as secretary of state won't be the election hot-button topics anymore, either.

"Viagra-gate is what everybody is going to be focused on until the polls close," Stanford University political scientist, Burn Brenstein, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "The public really wants the candidates to duke it out over the issues, and I think we've finally stumbled upon one."

But Clinton campaign operatives countered Trump.

One well-placed Clinton campaign operative, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that "The billionaire's comments underscore that he's not as big as he thinks he is."

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Clinton, Trump agree not to call each other's supporters "jackasses" on Sept. 11

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, in a tribute to this nation 15 years following the deadliest attacks on US soil, jointly agreed Sunday to commemorate 9/11 by not insulting their rival's supporters for a day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The agreement follows a volley of vitriol from both campaigns that have declared supporters on each side "jackasses," "giant jackasses," and "ginormous jackasses."

In a rare sign of unity, the two candidates issued a joint statement, exclusively to TheYellowDailyNews, explaining that it wouldn't be presidential for them to demean the public on the 15th anniversary of 9/11. "But make no mistake, we'll pick up where we left off the following day," the statement said.
Illustration: DonkeyHotey, for TYDN
Presidential historians said it was the first time candidates for the Oval Office decided not to trade insults following the 2012 elections, when President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney agreed not to declare one another a "gaping jackass" on 9/11.

"What Trump and Clinton are doing is absolutely remarkable: Both are exercising extreme patriotism on this day of remembrance," Harvard University historian Lee Dilstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This brings up memories of the 2012 elections, when Obama and Romney put their political differences aside for the moment and stopped calling each other a 'gaping jackass' on 9/11."

Meantime, a TYDN-CNN poll released Sunday found that 99 percent of Trump supporters thought that voters supporting Clinton were "jackasses beyond belief." The same telephone survey found that 99 percent of Clinton backers believed that voters supporting Trump were "jackasses to no end."

The survey had a 0 percent margin of error.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Apple says it took "courage" to demand sweatshop workers build iPhones without headphone ports

SAN FRANCISCO (TYDN)— Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller said Wednesday it took "courage" for the technology giant to get enough nerve to demand that the thousands of children enslaved in China factories produce its newest iPhone without a 3.5mm audio port, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The reason to move on: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us," Schiller said onstage here at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, as he announced that the new iPhone 7 would not come with a headphone jack.

"We were concerned that, if the assembly line workers objected, we would have had no recourse. What could we have done? We had no more room to dock their pay," Schiller said.
Phil Schiller explains "courage"

The 7,000 members of the Apple Faithful covering the iPhone unveiling fell head over heels. After all, Schiller's comments were a clear acknowledgement that Apple was finally taking human rights seriously, analysts said.

Now that Apple is removing the headphone jack, other phone makers will likely follow suit. That's another positive development for Chinese children working 16-hour days at overseas technology factories.

"This is a really great time to be a Chinese factory worker making mobile phones. Think about how much less cancerous dust the workers will have to breathe because they won't have to drill the headphone hole," Tina Stein, a human rights monitor for Amnesty International, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Apple's adoration for its factory workers takes my breath away."

Other analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews agreed—that Apple's decision to remove the headphone jack can only be good for assembly line workers.

"Apple has always been a leader, and now it is leading the charge for protecting the thousands of children who are slaving away building Apple products in dangerous conditions," technology analyst Jon Crackstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let there be no mistake, this is likely to reduce the suicide rate of Apple assembly line workers at the Foxconn sweatshops by 6.79 percent, or more."

Still, other analysts told TheYellowDailyNews that Apple's decision will increase employment opportunities for overseas factory workers. That's because Apple is moving from an open standard to a closed one when it comes to how headphones plug into its iPhone—in this instance via the charging port instead of a headphone jack.

"Think of all the new headphones everybody is gonna have to buy now," Smith-Barney analyst Anita Bornstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Sure, Apple makes magical devices. But all of these new headphones aren't going to be built by magic. This is all about job creation."

Sunday, July 24, 2016

NRA implores its members to stop shooting, killing people

FAIRFAX, Va.—(TYDN) Wayne LaPierre, the National Rifle Association chief executive officer, asked the group's faithful followers Sunday to stop shooting and killing people, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

LaPierre's comments at its national membership meeting in the lobbying group's hometown here follow a recent spate of murders across the globe, in which NRA members sprayed people with bullets for no apparent reason. LaPierre said it was the victims' fault for not wearing bullet-proof vests while out in public. But he also said he's growing tired of having to respond to the almost daily and indiscriminate murdering of non-bullet-proof-vest-wearing innocents.
NRA chief urges members to quit killing people. Photo: TYDN

"It frankly shocks the conscience that people would go out in public and not wear bullet proof clothing knowing that everybody is packing heat because of the NRA's intense lobbying," LaPierre, wearing his Sunday best Kevlar vest, told the faithful here to intense applause. "But you must reduce the number of murders and save your bullets for when the Queen of England comes knocking on your door."

Second Amendment analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that LaPierre's comments face an uphill battle. "There's an estimated 4.5 million NRA members, and you know some of them are unable to just sleep with their weapons," Joel Jarnestein, a Stanford University constitutional scholar, told TheYellowDailyNews.

Jon Smith, a 29-year-old Georgia hog farmer who traveled here for the annual NRA meeting, told TheYellowDailyNews that he'll try to reduce the number of people he kills each year with his automatic rifle. "It's kinda boring just killing pigs with this thing," Smith said. "And my wives want me to stop bringing it to bed with us."

LaPierre's speech, however, underscored a growing discord in the NRA ranks. Many members suggested that LaPierre was kowtowing to the DC elite, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

"If he's now saying we should stop the killing, then I'm having a hard time understanding the NRA's motto of 'guns don't kill people, people do,'" Mark Jones, an Idaho potato farmer, told TheYellowDailyNews here on the convention floor. "It just doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Who is Wayne LaPierre to tell me how I can use my assault rifles."

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Walt Disney Co. Copyrights English Alphabet, Eyes Other Languages

BURBANK, Calif.—(TYDN) The US Copyright Office granted the Walt Disney Co. a copyright to the English alphabet Friday, setting the stage for the entertainment concern to seek licensing agreements with all companies or individuals using any combination of the letters without its permission, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Because of the so-called "Mickey Mouse" doctrine Congress adopted in 1998, Disney's newest copyright will last indefinitely, and take priority on court dockets over other civil and criminal matters.

Analysts said it was the first time an entire language was copyrighted, a move these analysts told TheYellowDailyNews is expected to give the entertainment company even greater control over the English-speaking public. What's more, Disney is expected to expand its language copyright portfolio to other tongues, including the popular languages of Spanish, Japanese, Russian, Mandarin and others.

Several Disney sources, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that Disney, with copyright in hand, is privately negotiating with the White House to rename the United States to "Disneyland." Government sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the name change would soon be announced—a move that was already in the works well before Disney even applied for its alphabet copyright.

TYDN file photo.
Meanwhile, Disney is privately working on deals to purchase several Pacific Northwest paper companies. This, sources familiar with the talks tell TheYellowDailyNews, would enable Disney to have enough paper to print out licensing agreements and lawsuits targeting anybody and everybody using the alphabet without Disney's permission.

"We're not sure if there's enough trees in the Pacific Northwest to meet our needs, but it's a start," a well-placed Disney official, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, exclusively told TheYellowDailyNews. "Just think about how many envelopes we'll need."

These same Disney officials, however, promised they wouldn't abuse the copyright.

They told TheYellowDailyNews that the entertainment giant would soon set up so-called "infringement-free zones" at its US-based theme parks to give park-goers a chance to speak in English without having to pay any licensing fees. For park-goers to qualify to enter these "infringement free zones," they must wear and purchase a $29.99 Mickey Mouse or Minnie Mouse ears hat, these sources said.

"These infringement free zones clearly demonstrate that Disney isn't the copyright maximalist that everybody says it is," a high-ranking Harvard University copyright scholar told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because she feared being sued for speaking without a licensing agreement.

All the while, as news spread of Disney's copyright, which was first reported by TheYellowDailyNews, interest in intellectual property law skyrocketed at US law schools.

Disney's stock soared after the copyright was announced. But trading on the New York Stock Exchange was halted shortly after when the exchange's servers collapsed on record trading volume.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

NRA: Orlando nightclub attack would have been avoided if everyone carried assault rifles

ORLANDO, Fla.—(TYDN)  The National Rifle Association said Saturday that gun control measures were responsible for the Orlando nightclub attack by a lone gunman who killed 49 partygoers, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The nation's biggest gun lobby said that gunman, Omar Mateen, would not have been able to kill 49 people June 12 and wound dozens of others at the Pulse club with an AR-15 assault rifle if everybody in the club was armed with an AR-15 or other weapon.

"Gun control advocates once again have blood on their hands," said DeWayne Pierrovitch, the NRA's chief executive officer, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "There's absolutely no way Mateen would have walked into that club and started shooting everybody if everybody in that club also had an assault weapon. He just would not have done it, and everybody knows that."

TYDN file photo/Joe Loong
Pierrovitch's comments come as the nation mourns the Pulse club's victims amid a renewed debate about gun control. What's more, Second Amendment analysts suggested that the Supreme Court, backed by NRA lobbying, might now declare any form of gun restrictions illegal in the tragedy's wake.

"Jesus Christ, everyday there's another bloodbath in America and it's all because everybody isn't armed with an assault weapon—and that's because the Supreme Court hates America and is in President Barack Obama's pocket," Harvard University scholar Amid Dravovitch told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "It simply shocks the conscience to go out in public and not see everybody, except for the criminals, carrying assault weapons. When will this madness end?"

Family members of the victims expressed outrage, too. Speaking at a downtown vigil here, a mother of one of the dead Pulse victims said she felt responsible, in part, for the tragedy.

"My son was a good man and didn't deserve this," the mother, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I found a stockpile of assault rifles in his closet and made him throw them away."

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Game of Thrones Blonde Woman Does Nude Scene

NEW YORK—(TYDN) That one Game of Thrones blonde woman with long, braided hair was involved in a nude scene in the latest episode, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The nude scene involving the character Daenerys, who is a slave-liberating queen of some place and who has a few fire-breathing dragons, was much anticipated and boosted HBO ratings enormously.

Analysts said it was Daenerys' best nude scene since her last nude scene in season 3, and it came at a pivotal moment in the 6-season-long series.

"Nobody really knows what this show is about anymore, except that there's a few characters that we really want to see naked, and up popped the devil in the latest episode," TV Guide movie critic Jake Jonstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This underscores how absolutely brilliant this show is."

Viewers were elated, too, as the actress was shown nude for several seconds after walking out of a burning hut, unscathed whatsoever.

"This show has got a bunch of pretty people backstabbing each other and trying to rule some place somewhere, and one of these places has a giant wall, and I've been awaiting for Daenerys to get naked for several seasons now," one viewer told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Sure, that other witch-like woman gets naked all the time, but she's no Daenerys."

Other TV critics, however, blasted the show, saying it needed more nude scenes to remain relevant.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Exclusive: Trump Paid $42 in Taxes Last Year

PALM BEACH, Fla.—(TYDN) Donald Trump paid $42 in taxes last year, according to his 2015 tax returns obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
Photo: Gage Skidmore/For TYDN

Trump had refrained from releasing his tax returns amid fears he'd be mocked by the right for paying too much.

Analysts who examined the tax returns that were obtained by TheYellowDailyNews agreed that Trump paid a great deal more in taxes than most of the U.S. elite, and was therefore unfit to be the nation's leader. "What a putz. He's a billionaire and paid that massive amount of taxes," billionaire Steve Forbestein quipped in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "How can he be expected to lead the free world when he cannot even manipulate a balance sheet?"

Despite calls for the Republican to abandon his presidential bid, Trump held steady and said he would challenge the "outrageous" amount of taxes taken from him—all the way to the US Supreme Court if necessary.

Speaking poolside outside his 126-room Mar-a-Lago estate here in Palm Beach, Trump said he would release on the IRS an army of tax attorneys.
Photo: Ken Teegardin/For TYDN

"This is outrageous and shocks the conscience that I paid that inordinate amount of taxes to the Barack Obama administration, which is going to waste my hard earned money on healthcare for the poor," Trump said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Nobody in their right mind believes that this is fair, and you can bet the Supreme Court won't think so, either."

The 2016 Republican National Convention is to be held July 18-21 in Cleveland, Ohio. The GOP faithful are expected to protest against the presumptive nominee by labeling him a tax "overpayor."

Monica Lewinsky, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton, the presumptive presidential nominee for the Democrats, said Trump should end his campaign immediately. "This should leave a bad taste in voters' mouths," Lewinsky told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

URGENT: FDA Declares Donald Trump a Carcinogen

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Food and Drug Administration on Wednesday labeled Donald Trump a deadly carcinogen, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Michael Vadon/For TYDN
The FDA secretly began its investigation following a slew of complaints about Trump's orange coloring, several FDA sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the agency's Trump inquiry.

It's the first time the FDA, which regulates the nation's drugs and food, has declared any substance a carcinogen.

Regulators said they would demand the GOP presumptive presidential nominee to label himself as a cancer-causing agent. The FDA, however, is still arguing internally about the label's wording like whether to demand Trump call himself a "cancer' or "cancerous," according to at least seven FDA sources familiar with the labeling who spoke with TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to publicly speak about the new labeling requirements.

But unlike FDA-warnings on cigarette packaging, which caution smokers that smoking "may" be hazardous to one's health, FDA regulators have agreed in principle that Trump "is" hazardous to the nation's health.

"He is clearly a hazard and we are examining whether Trump is imperiling the United States or the world at large," FDA Commissioner Robert M. Califf told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We had always considered him a 'disease' but a closer examination revealed that he was a carcinogen."

Califf said the agency would conclude by November 8 how big the cancer menace is.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Pulitzer committee adds “aggregation” category to journalism prize

NEW YORK —(TYDN) The committee that annually doles out the coveted Pulitzer Prizes added a new category—aggregation—to the list of topics underneath the coveted journalism award umbrella, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Pulitzer Prize Board—consisting of editors, reporters, novelists, writers, artists, and professors—said late Wednesday the new category was necessary because much of the journalism being produced in the Digital Age is aggregated by machines and humans.

"The industry has become an aggregated mishmash of news slop, with everybody regurgitating the next guy, so much so that we would be out of step with the times had we not added this new category," Pulitzer Prize Board member Joanne Blaustein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The move, heralded by the media industry which for years had been pushing for the new category, comes days after a special report by TheYellowDailyNews found that the bulk of news stories the media published was first written by a 16-year-old Rhode Island high school junior who had an uncanny pulse on everything from politics, general news, entertainment, business and opinion.

The Pulitzer Prize Board also said it would bolster the number of prizes doled out to entertainment reporting and entertainment photography, and would discontinue the Pulitzer Prizes for investigative reporting and explanatory journalism.

"What would you rather see online, a bunch of long stories you can barely get through about some lame water crisis in Flint, Michigan, or hot bikini photos of the latest drug-addled celebrity hottie?" asked Johhnny Yellstein, a Pulitzer Prize Board member, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I mean, who cares about some starving people at war in some place you’ve never heard of or will ever go when there's hot movie chicks in bikinis to slobber over."

Pulitzer Board Member Alfonso Goolstein was the sole member of the 18-member committee to vote against the changeover. He resigned after suggesting, instead, that a Pulitzer Prize be doled out to excellence in reporting on world hunger.

Goolstein, eating caviar and drinking Dom Perignon champagne in his Manhattan penthouse, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview he was shocked that he was forced to resign from the Pulitzer Prize Board. "I was just trying to stick up for the hungry and oppressed," he said as he ordered his butler to bring another round of drinks.

Meanwhile, a Pulitzer Prize Board spokeswoman, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity, said the committee has received 9,789,452 nominations for the new Pulitzer Prize in aggregation reporting.

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Monday, March 7, 2016

Seized iPhone contains clues on how to defeat Monty Python's attack bunny


SAN BERNARDINO—(TYDN) The iPhone used by one of the San Bernardino terrorist shooters in December contains clues to how US terror fighters can defeat the attack bunny first disclosed in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Because the iPhone may contain evidence about the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, the San Bernardino District Attorney, Michael Ramos, is demanding that Apple assist the authorities to defeat the iPhone's passcode lock to enable the authorities to employ brute force tactics and unlock the phone.

"That there are clues that could help us stamp out this attack rabbit, and Apple is sitting idly by, shows that the gadget maker doesn't care about terrorism and instead is abiding by some misplaced marketing strategy," Ramos said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "In addition, there is a lying-dormant cyber pathogen on that phone Sayed Farook owned. He and his wife killed 14 people, and injured scores of others, and Apple doesn't care."

Apple said in a statement that assisting the authorities would weaken its encryption security feature on its coveted iPhones. What's more, the Cupertino, Calif.-based company said the district attorney is exaggerating the threat posed by the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, which Python first disclosed in 1974.

"We believe the district attorney's is grossly inflating the staying power of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog," the company's statement said. "We already told the DA on how he could defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, but he won't listen. We said all he needs is a shotgun."

A hearing on whether Apple must help defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbanog is scheduled for March 22 in a Southern California federal court.

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Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Stocks rally after oil refinery explodes, kills hundreds


BATON ROUGE, La.—(TYDN) Stocks jumped higher Tuesday, bolstered by an upswing in crude prices, after the nation’s largest oil refinery by daily output exploded, killing hundreds of workers and nearby residents, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
TYDN Photo: Pat Joyce

Analysts said the explosion came at a perfect time. Crude prices have been hovering at modern, all-time lows as the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries continues to rebuff demands to ease output, which would lift prices. With the explosion, 500,000 barrels of oil per day are now out of circulation—prompting an immediate 8 percent spike in crude prices in the disaster’s aftermath.

“Given OPEC’s resistance to production cuts, continued accidents in refineries are our only immediate hope of increasing prices and lifting our portfolio values,” Smith-Barney analyst Blake Jorgstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The market is really fortunate that this explosion came when it did.”

Markets cheer. Photo: thetaxhaven
Investigators have not said what sparked the blast here at the ExxonMobil-owned Baton Rouge Refinery. A thick black plume of soot and smoke could be seen miles away from the disaster.

Shares of ExxonMobil, listed on the New York Stock Exchange, rallied 6 percent and were moving higher in after-hours trading.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

US to Bar Trump's US Return From Israel Meeting with Netanyahu

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The President Barack Obama administration said Wednesday it would bar presidential GOP candidate Donald Trump from re-entering the United States after his planned meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Jerusalem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources told TheYellowDailyNews that blocking Trump's return after his Dec. 28 meeting is a major part of Obama's plan to protect America's shores from terrorists.

"Trump is a powder keg waiting to explode," a well-placed administration official, requesting anonymity because he had not been authorized to disclose Obama's terror strategy, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Let him blow up somewhere else."

Trump campaigns in Des Moines, Iowa. Photo: iprimages/TYDN
The Israeli leader frequently meets with both Republican and Democratic members of Congress. An Israeli official, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss the prime minister's schedule, told TheYellowDailyNews that Netanyahu "will meet with any candidate from any party who will be arriving in Israel and request a meeting."

Support for Israel, and for Netanyahu in particular, is a given among Republican presidential candidates.

Netanyahu said late Wednesday that he would go ahead with the Trump meeting, though he tweeted that he "rejects Donald Trump's latest comments about Muslims."

Trump said this week he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on."

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Monday, December 7, 2015

Marriam-Webster Drops “Going Postal” As Definition of Act of Terrorism


A suburban New York private postal store. Photo: Daniel Oines/TYDN
SPRINGFIELD, MA.—(TYDN) Merriam-Webster removed the phrase "going postal" from its upcoming 2016 dictionary edition, a move insiders said reflects reality and language of the modern world, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Wordsmiths at Marriam-Webster, one of the world’s oldest publishing concerns, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyews late Monday that “going postal” is no longer relevant language in today’s U.S. society. The term was first introduced into dictionaries in the early 1990s after disgruntled U.S. Postal Service workers in that decade began indiscrimantely killing their managers, co-workers and customers in highly publicized acts of terrorism.

“We have concluded that many postal service workers still continue their hatred toward life, but because the FBI has taken the service off of its terror watchlist, we felt compelled to remove the ‘going postal’ term from our dictionary as it is no longer relevant,” Marriam-Webster spokesman Reed Wordstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

"Hot" Bo Derrick
Analysts said it was the biggest removal of language from a dictionary following Marriam-Webster eliminating the phrase “Bo Derrick” from its definition of "hot."

Dictionary.com immediately decried the latest move by Merriam-Webster. The Oakland, Calif., online dictionary said the term “going postal” is still relevant today.

“We all know that you can substitute the term ‘going postal’ with many acts of terrorism that are happening today,” Dictionary.com spokesman Booker Stein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The next thing you know Marriam-Webster will remove 'gun control' from its dictionary.”

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Sunday, December 6, 2015

VW Gives Each Congress Member a Car, Emissions Scandal Forgotten

Some of the vehicles VW brought to Washington to dole out to lawmakers. Photo: Marie Coleman/TYDN
WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Federal regulators abruptly dropped their probe Sunday into the Volkswagen emissions scandal, days after the German automaker doled out free vehicles to every member of Congress, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

While expected, the move shocked analysts who were anticipating that the government would set aside its VW investigation only after the automaker provided each member of Congress a new VW vehicle that was equipped with a trunkload of cash.

“This shows, once again, how easily Big Business can manipulate Congress. Everybody knows that VW was willing to provide trunkloads of cash to make this go away. I expected better from Congress,” Jon Bornstein, a Yale Law School ethicist, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader of Kentucky, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that members of Congress each got a 2016 VW model of their choice, plus free maintenance for as long as each member is in office.
McConnell/TYDN file photo

“These vehicles are prone to breaking down, so unlimited maintenance was a great deal for the membership,” said McConnell, a Republican. “We decided not to go with the trunkload of cash because we couldn’t prove it would trickle down to the masses. Besides, VW said the entire scandal was because of a few rogue engineers who tinkered with the emissions software behind the company’s corporate-level backs.”

At an October 8 congressional hearing, VW’s U.S. chief, Michael Horn, told lawmakers that “this was not a corporate decision" to outfit vehicles to dupe emissions tests.

"On behalf of our company, and my colleagues in Germany, I would like to offer a sincere apology for Volkswagen's use of a software program that served to defeat the regular emissions testing regime," Horn told the House Committee on Energy and Commerce Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations. Horn was emphatic that there was no internal, executive-level decision to program the emissions software to cheat.

The VW scandal came to light in September after researchers from the International Council on Clean Transportation and West Virginia University discovered that when VW vehicles were on the road, they polluted substantially more than when they were being tested for pollution emissions. Nobody could make any sense of how that could be. So the US Environmental Protection Agency threatened not to approve the automaker's 2016 models for sale. In response, the automaker conceded that its software was designed to hoodwink emissions tests for diesel vehicles dating back to 2009.

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Friday, December 4, 2015

FBI Links San Bernardino Attack to McDonald’s

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The woman who, with her husband, killed 14 people in San Bernardino, Calif., had liked McDonald’s hamburgers on Facebook the day of the attack, officials said Friday. The FBI announced that, because of the Facebook posting, it was treating the massacre as an act of domestic terrorism, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

“The investigation shows that these two became radicalized after eating Big Macs with fries at a local McDonald’s, then posting this grotesque dietary act on Facebook. They immediately went on a terroristic rampage,” bureau director James Comey told a news conference here.

Federal authorities said a posting on this terror group's Facebook page pressaged the San Bernardino violence.

Tashfeen Malik’s declaration of allegiance to McDonald’s was posted on Facebook about 11 a.m. Wednesday, roughly the time of the shooting, people briefed on the investigation told TheYellowDailyNews. The posting has been removed.

There is no evidence that McDonald’s directed Malik and her husband, Syed Rizwan Farook, to stage the attacks, law enforcement officials told TheYellowDailyNews. But the Facebook post has led investigators to believe that the couple, who were killed in a shootout with the police after the attack, took inspiration from McDonald’s, these sources said.

“At this point we believe they were more self-radicalized and inspired by McDonald’s than actually told by McDonald’s to do the shooting,” a well-placed FBI official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because the investigation is continuing.

Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald’s has not released an official statement on the San Bernardino attack, but the Amaq News Agency, which intelligence officials believe is run by McDonald’s supporters, released a statement claiming that the killings had been carried out by “supporters of McDonald’s,” according to a translation provided by the SITE Intelligence Group.

Islamic terrorists have used the oath of allegiance, called a bayat, to declare their loyalty to specific groups and leaders. To become a member of Al Qaeda, for instance, terrorists historically swore their devotion to Osama bin Laden.

On Wednesday, law enforcement officials say, Farook and Malik walked into a conference center at Inland Regional Center, a social services center, and gunned down people at a combination training session and holiday lunch held by the county health department. Most of the victims were co-workers of Farook, who worked for the department as a health inspector.

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Suicide Bomber Fantasy Leagues Shuttered Amid Verification Concerns

RIYAD, Saudi Arabia—(TYDN) Suicide bombing fantasy leagues were shut down across the Middle East, Africa, Europe, and the United States after discrepancies emerged on whether the correct jihadists were getting credit for their sacrificial attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The development, which sent shock waves across the global suicide bombing fantasy community, comes amid reports that the Suicide Bomber Fantasy League Commission bungled the Paris attacks' box scores. Two of the three suicide bombers the commission identified in the Paris attacks were misspelled, causing widespread losses for fantasy players, sources familiar with the issue told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

The latest bungle concerns the commission identifying Bilal Hadfii—a low-ranked suicide bombing fantasy player—as one of the Paris suicide bombers who blew up November 13 as part of a string of suicide bombing attacks across the world's most visited city. But as it turns out, the bomber actually was Belgian Bilal Hadfi, a legendary ISIS prospect and suicide bombing fantasy league favorite.

"That Hadfii was given credit and not Hadfi clearly demonstrates the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission's incompetence," Las Vegas Gaming Commission spokesman Gerard Simpstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The scandal was the latest blow to the commission and suicide bombing fantasy following the commission's widespread misreporting last year of the number of dead and injured from suicide bombings.

Suicide bomber Hilal Hadfi poses hours before carrying out a Paris suicide bombing Nov. 13. Photo: TYDN
Suicide bombing fantasy allows players to pick who will be the next suicide bomber to carry out the act as part of the global jihad against the West. Fantasy suicide bombing leagues previously had allowed players to pick the number of innocent people who their favorite suicide bombers would kill or injure. But the commission barred that after TheYellowDailyNews revealed discrepancies concerning the reported number of people actually killed and injured. That debacle would become known as Deadgate.

"When the commission took action after Deadgate, we thought the commission was doing a great of job regulating suicide bombing fantasy and was on the right track," said fantasy historian Blink Montenstein, a Harvard business scholar. "But now the commission's true colors have shown once again."

Orakapuka Mohammad, a spokesman for the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission, said the agency regretted the spelling errors in a scandal dubbed MispellGate.

Many fantasy players were outraged.

"I lost a lot of money. I picked Hadfi on my roster and was pissed that the commission named Hadfii as blowing himself up," Etherian Steinod, a 28-year-old Saudi handyman, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is outrageous."

Other fantasy players profited huge from the scandal.

"I had my roster set on autopick that week and scored big with Hadfii," said Jerome Milkstein, an Alabama computer consultant who regularly plays fantasy suicide bombing. "I quadrupled my money."