Thursday, October 9, 2014

ISIS To Field Olympic Team At 2016 Summer Games

KOBANI, along the Syria-Turkey border—(TYDN) The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, is to announce Thursday it is fielding an Olympic team for the 2016 summer games in Brazil, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Team ISIS, as it has been secretly called among its militant athletes, has been training clandestinely for the Rio De Janeiro games while engaged in massive sectarian violence here and in Iraq—while also defending itself from attacks by a United States-led military coalition.

Analysts said that, if ISIS survives the coalition bombings, it would be the 5,000th time a terror nation has entered an Olympic games.

Team ISIS badminton player practices in secret Syrian hideout. Photo: llee_wu/TYDN
What's more, analysts, who have been monitoring ISIS' sporting activities, suggest the terror nation could medal in several sports.

"They have this one guy, whose name I cannot even pronounce or spell, who is among the fiercest badminton players the world has ever seen," said Syrian sports agent Louis Anstein. "They've also got a few golfers who make Tiger Woods look like a novice."

Team ISIS sponsors include Royal Dutch Shell, Exxon Mobil, Chevron, BP, and ConocoPhillips.

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Monday, October 6, 2014

Oakland Raiders Narrowly Avoid Loss In Bye Week

OAKLAND—(TYDN) Oakland Raiders fans and the team exulted after the NFL franchise narrowly escaped a loss on Sunday during the team's bye week, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

New head coach, Tony Sparano, told reporters that the Raiders barely escaped another loss despite the team not playing Sunday.

An empty Oakland Coliseum played host to a near bye-week Raiders loss Sunday. Photo: Mitsy Mcgoo/TYDN
"This goes to show the Raider Nation is back in black with pride," Sparano said at a news conference here. "We almost fumbled it away, but we stayed the course."

Meanwhile, police arrested as many as 100 revelers downtown here celebrating the Raiders lack of a loss. It was the worst rioting connected to a near bye-week loss following last year's near bye-week collapse.

The 0-4 Raiders play host Sunday to the 4-1 San Diego Chargers. Caesar's Palace opened Monday morning with a betting line of San Diego giving 49 points.

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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Obama Lookalike In Syria To Rally Anti-ISIS Fighters

Al-BOUKAMAL, Syria—(TYDN) A President Barack Obama body double arrived here Thursday to rally U.S.-armed militants fighting ISIS—the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The militants—who have come from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates—don't know it's a presidential body double. Administration officials said the ploy was necessary to assist the president's anti-terror agenda without putting the real president in danger.

"These militants in Syria are all too consumed with the free weapons the U.S. has been throwing at them, too busy beating their women and treating them like second-class citizens and committing other heinous jihad to even notice that it's not the real president," a well placed Obama administration official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "And, there's plenty of news coverage that it's not the real Obama."

President Barack Obama lookalike rallies U.S.-armed militants in Syria. Photo: Justin Sloan/TYDN
Analysts said it was the third time Obama has engaged in such tactics. The last times were in 2008 and 2012, when he won election.

"This bold move of sending a lookalike to Syria resembles his election and re-election campaigns," Stanford University political scientist Jed Zenstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's a beautiful blending of the surreal, politics and deceit."

Obama and his Middle Eastern allies last month commenced bombing targets here in Syria in a bid to knock out ISIS, the United States' latest enemy in the region and a foe given birth to by America's Iraq invasion under Obama's predecessor, President George W. Bush.

At a Rose Garden news conference Sept. 24, the president said the latest offensive in the Middle East "will bring peace to the region in an expedited fashion by 2099."

Sources familiar with the lookalike told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the life insurer of Obama's body double has withdrawn its policy and refunded all paid premiums.

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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

iPhone Owners Hate The Poor More Than Android Owners

PRINCETON, N.J.—(TYDN) The world's first survey into which mobile phone owners hate the poor more concluded late Wednesday that the winners are iPhone owners, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Android users came in second place to hating the poor. Window's mobile phone owners took third, according to an exhaustive survey of 500,000 cell-phone owners conducted by Princeton University researchers.

"What we have found was that, of mobile phone users, those with iPhones despised the poor more," Princeton statistician Leslie VonStein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This study, overall, shows there's a clear correlation to what type of mobile phone you use and how much you hate the poor."

Photo: Sean/TYDN
Analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said it was the first time researchers have quantified their suspicions that iPhone owners hated the poor more than any other type of mobile phone user.

The survey, however, did not answer the question of why iPhone owners hated the poor more.

Experts unaffiliated with the survey, which had a plus-or-minus error rating of 3 percentage points, offered some explanations.

"Isn't it obvious why iPhone owners hate on the poor more," Smith Barney mobile-phone analyst Clay Fishstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Other analysts weren't so sure and questioned the survey's findings.

"A different survey from Princeton just last week found that Android users hated those infected with ebola more than did iPhone users," Harvard University urban studies professor Riba Lorstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This just doesn't seem to add up."

About half the world's population lives on less than $2.50 a day and 80 percent under $10 daily.

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