Thursday, April 19, 2012

New iPhone to Double as Toilet Tissue



CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Apple Inc.'s next iPhone, to debut within months, is expected to double as a smart phone and toilet paper, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
iPhone to render toilet paper obsolete

The development, confirmed by at least four Apple sources who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, is expected to provide consumers a seamless bathroom experience, from making telephone calls, surfing the web to cleaning up. And the iPhone hacking community is already mulling plans to convert the phone into a feminine napkin, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the iPhone 5, for the first time, has achieved the Holy Grail of consumerism by becoming a product that millions of smartphone users have craved.

"Everybody has always said the iPhone is awesome, but everybody also wondered, 'Does it wipe your butt?'" Goldman Sachs analyst Bill Shope wrote Thursday in an investor note, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews. "A phone that will clean you up after defecation is something the public has been dreaming of."

Shares of Apple soared in after-hours trading when TheYellowDailyNews broke the story. Shares of forest-product-related companies plummeted amid investor fears toilet paper would become obsolete.

Sources said the phone's patent-pending, butt-wiping technology was developed by an iPhone engineer with irritable bowel syndrome.

"This guy's job was to develop as many uses for the phone as he could, and he did," a well-placed Apple source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the topic.

The source said Apple engineers working on the project suffered several bouts of cholera before perfecting the technology.

5 comments:

Mrs. G2 said...

Single ply or two ply? Hmm ....

Occulter said...

These pieces are completely sophomoric and inane, satirizing what's already obviously ridiculous. "The all purpose iPhone" has been a joke for years. Your Mad Magazine parodies are almost painful. Thank the gods there be that you didn't have a hand in editing Kevin Poulsen's KingPin. Seriously, you must use a surrogate mindset to maintain your position at Wired.

Dating Free Sites said...

OMG... iphone cleaning system... people got fantasy. That's because everyone's so obsessed about iphones.

Dating Sites Ireland said...

doesn`t everyone think it`s stupid?) I think it is) people have nothing to do - so let them go into the lab to explore the treatment from AIDs!!

Anonymous said...

Suck a dick you whiny, judgemental bitch.