Friday, July 11, 2014

To Stop Terrorism, TSA bars fliers with unclipped toenails, fingernails




Nails longer than this will barred from flight. Photo: Rachel
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Transportation Security Administration announced late Friday that all air passengers would be denied boarding unless their toenails and fingernails were clipped and rounded.

Homeland Security Chief Jeh Johnson said the move would dramatically increase airline safety of flights traveling within and to the United States. He said the proactive edict is just one facet of the many sweeping security measures that also bar fliers from carrying on gels, lotions or liquids weighing more than 3.4 ounces.

The latest edict comes days after Johnson announced that fliers' gadgets, particularly mobile phones, must be able to power on to prove to security officials that they are not bombs—all in a bid to ensure that they detonate in the security checkpoint line rather than during flight.

Johnson quickly quelled fears from security experts who had suggested that the government had new intelligence that long-nailed terrorists were plotting a hijacking, and would use their nails as weapons.

"I got the idea the other day when I was, you know, fooling around with the old lady in the sack and she cringed a few times and said, 'Your toenails are like razor blades,'" Johnson said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Then it dawned on me. This was a fundamental security flaw that needed to be made for flight safety."

Security officials said fliers' nails would be examined only after an anal cavity search is conducted to prevent copycats of last year's failed "Bunghole Bomber."

The agency reiterated Friday that nail clippers were still barred from flights.

1 comment :

  1. Thank goodness I bite my nails. Boom.

    ReplyDelete

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