Friday, August 22, 2014

Shares of Molson Coors Brewing Co. Soar Following "Fat-Burning" Beer Debut

GOLDEN, Colo. — (TYDN) Shares of Canada's Molson Coors Brewing Co. more than doubled Friday after the brewer unveiled an alcoholic, "fat-burning" beverage, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Coors Svelte, a robust dark ale with a 6.9 percent alcohol content by volume, will begin rolling out in the West Coast and appear in commercials on sporting broadcasts and in nudie-magazine print campaigns. The women's ale, called Coors Waif, is a Belgium-style ale with a gravity of 5 percent alcohol, and includes what sources familiar with the beer described as "just a tinge of natural Orange flavorings."

Before becoming Coors Waif testers. Photo: Malingering
Analysts said the proprietary formula, which just finished positive clinical trials on humans and monkeys, is the "Holy Grail" of ingredients that beermakers have been searching for—especially in the United States—where every 10 out of 10 Americans are considered obese.

"Say goodbye to the beer belly," Bank of America beverage-industry analyst Chip Johnson said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is the mother of all inventions. No, it's the Holy Grail of inventions that makes the debut of light beer three decades ago seem simply irrelevant."

Nutritionists are recommending that those overweight drink at least a 6-pack a day and those "extremely" obese intake at least a 12-pack daily.

"We urge those undertaking this diet to exercise caution when operating heavy equipment," the American Heart Association said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews.

The U.S. Department of Labor cautioned employees to consult with their employers before commencing what regulators are calling the "Beer Diet."

Shares of Molson Coors on the New York Stock Exchange closed higher at $151.29, more than doubling from Friday's opening bell. The stock was up another 10 percent in after-hours trading.
Three weeks after becoming Coors Waif testers. Photo Bruno Casonato

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