Tuesday, February 24, 2009

SEC Vindicated in Madoff Ponzi Scandal

by Jonathan Montoblan, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Wednesday it was vindicated from "any and all" scrutiny after it was revealed accused swindler Bernard Madoff had never made a single stock trade the past 13 years, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

When Madoff was arrested in December, defrauded investors took out their anger at the SEC, wondering aloud how the stock market watchdog agency could have let the $50 billion swindle happen even after it received tips from whistle blowers about Madoff's fraud years ago. But on Wednesday, the agency declared victory and said it never took action against Madoff because he never made any stock trades.

"This goes to show that the SEC was doing its job and only investigating real stock fraud, not made up stock fraud," said Christopher Cox, the SEC chairman who stepped down after President Barack Obama assumed the presidency. "Alleged stock fraud does not come under our purview. Had he made actual trades, we would have been all over that. Any and all scrutiny of the SEC under my tenure must be set aside."

Revisionist economics historians said it was the first time in U.S. history the SEC was falsely accused of looking the other way as thousands of investors were defrauded.

All the while, federal lawmakers began arguing that the Obama administration is over-regulating the economy even as the government injects trillions of dollars into the economy to ensure executives enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers and their failures.

In the Madoff affair, meanwhile, the SEC announced its vindication five days after Irving Picard, the court-appointed trustee supervising Madoff's assets, told investors that there was no trace of Madoff ever making any stock trades despite his thousands of customers having received receipts purporting to document his trades on their behalf.

"We have no evidence to indicate securities were purchased for customer accounts," Picard told Madoff investors Friday. "This is a case where weĆ¢..re going to be looking at cash in and cash out."

The SEC announced Wednesday that defrauded investors must first apologize to the SEC before receiving a bailout of as much as $500,000 each.

Madoff, the former NASDAQ chairman, is accused of bilking investors out of $50 billion. Pending a 2012 trial date, Madoff is being confined under house arrest at his Manhattan penthouse because the jails are too filled with drug offenders and shoplifters considered a danger to society.

His attorneys said they intend to seek dismissal of the charges based on the fact that no stock fraud was committed.

"The trustee's report confirms my client's innocence," said Ira Lee Sorkin, a Madoff attorney. "These charges shock the conscience."

Photo: Bearman2007

Thursday, February 19, 2009

New 'Google It' Definition: 'Screw You Lazy Bastard'

by Charles Lingualia, TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Merriam-Webster linguists are tweaking the definition of the popular term -- Google It -- in a bid to keep up with a growing population too stupid to think for itself or too lazy to engage coworkers, friends and family members, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The phrase Google It originally entered the 11th edition of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary in 2006 to define using the Google online search engine "to obtain information." Several Merriam-Webster sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the dictionary publisher is expected to expand on that term in its newest addition set for release next month.

According to the text of the phrase's forthcoming second definition, which was obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, linguists have settled upon: "Screw you lazy bastard leave me alone I don't have time for you."

Language critics immediately blasted the timing of the changeover, saying the Google It second definition should have been updated at least a year ago.

"Everybody knows that that is what the term Google It means, and yet it took Merriam-Webster this long to actually put it in the dictionary," said Harvard University linguist John Salisbury. "This shocks the conscience."

Merriam-Webster spokeswoman Joannes de Garlandia said internal company discord was, in part, cause for the delay. "There was a big disagreement on whether the new definition should finish with the word jackass or dickwad," de Garlandia said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "After months of discussion, we decided the definition we came up with was more than adequate "

PhotoMykl Roventine

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bonds’ Penis ‘Shrinkage’ Subject of Steroid Trial

by Charles Duffymeister, TYDN Staff Writer
SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Barry Bonds' penis and testicle size is likely to have a deep impact on whether the homerun king is convicted at his upcoming trial on accusations he lied to a 2003 federal grand jury when he testified he never knowingly used steroids, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Federal prosecutors here are expected to call Kimberly Bell, the San Francisco Giants slugger's former girlfriend, who is to testify that Bonds' ballsack and penis shrank "noticeably" when he began using what authorities allege was steroids sometime around the year 2002.

Medical experts are expected to testify in the long-running investigation that shrinkage and reduced staying power are common side effects of steroid use in athletes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"He used to f#%k on me pretty hard and his balls would slap me," Bell said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But when he started injecting steroids, there was noticeably some major shrinkage and flacidness, and his balls stopped slapping me. Obviously, I grew disappointed and we eventually split up."

Legal experts said it was not the first time a penis would be used against its owner.

In her exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Bell said she would testify that the Major League Baseball homerun leader's penis shrank in firmness from the size of a cucumber to "a jarred grocery store pickle." His testicles, she said, "once resembled hard-boiled eggs and shriveled to Hershey Kiss sizes."

People familiar with Bonds' ballsack and penis said Bond's defense team is expected to grill Bell when she takes the stand at next month's trial here.

They suggested that Bonds' penis and balls only seemed bigger when the homerun king had shaved his pubic hair. He stopped shaving shortly after the couple became intimate, sources with firsthand knowledge of Bonds' penis and ballsack told TheYellowDailyNews.

"As you know, a man's penis and balls might seem bigger when they're not encased by a ton of pubic hair," defense attorney John Keker told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "The evidence is uncontroverted that Barry has a ton of pubic hair. Everybody knows that."

Bonds, 44, is charged with 10 counts of lying to a federal grand jury here investigating the BACLO steroid ring. He testified he was never injected with steroids and said he thought he was ingesting flaxseed oil.

The former San Francisco Giants slugger and seven-time most valuable player hit his 762nd home run in 2007, the last year he played professional baseball.

Photo:guano

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Limiting Executive Pay Unfair to CEOs, America

by Jonathan Montoblan, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama's plan to cap annual pay at $500,000 for top executives whose companies accept federal bailout funds is not good for America, executives and children, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

The analysis, the most exhaustive in the bailout sphere, concluded that the CEO pay ratio of 360 times the average worker is the only way to keep America's free enterprise humming. If the ratio were tightened, as Obama has proposed, wannabe executives would decline to emulate their superiors and hence not rise to their level of incompetence.

"This would leave American enterprise leaderless," according to TheYellowDailyNews' analysis. "And as it pertains to lower-level workers, they would not be able to respect executives or feel it necessary to empty executives' $50,000 trash cans or clean their $100,000 shower curtains."

Capping executive pay could create what the analysis concluded would amount to a "brain drain of epic proportions in which executives who have run their companies into the ground would defect to higher paying companies so they can run those businesses into the ground as well."

"It shocks the conscience that Barack Obama wants to turn a $1 trillion bailout into a socialist program by actually telling free enterprise how much it should pay its executives," Thomas J. Donahue, president of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Millions of single mothers get $500 per month of welfare benefits, but yet the government isn't demanding a reduction for this handout. This is patently unfair."

Meanwhile, the study found that suicide rates of financially broken executives are likely to skyrocket, leading to broken homes as well.

"Executives whose pay was capped at $500,000 annually would be embarrassed to come home where they cheat on their wives with their nannies," the study said. "Gold-digging wives probably would leave their husbands for higher paying executives, forcing executive family children to get by on a paltry $20,000 a month in child support."

The study also concluded that lowering executive pay was a safety issue. The executives' limousine drivers and jet pilots, according to the study, "might purposely crash their vehicles out of disdain that their bosses earn only $500,000 per year."

The study also said a reduction in executive pay would hurt those in poverty by reducing the amount of taxes executives avoid paying.

According to U.S. Census figures, about 8 million U.S. families live in poverty, which the bureau defines as about $21,000 in annual income for a family of four.

Photo: AMagill

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Bongmaker Ending Phelps Sponsorhip

by Charlenne Mota, TYDN Olympics Affairs Writer
EUREKA, Calif. -- (TYDN) Bongmaker Tokem Enterprises Ltd. is set to discontinue its lucrative sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps following a British tabloid's publication of a photo of the gold medalist puffing from a rival company's marijuana pipe, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tokem Enterprises, of Eureka, Calif., is expected to sever its ties with Phelps as early as Wednesday, two Tokem Enterprises officials told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The sources said Phelps breached a non-compete clause in the $25 million contract.

On Sunday, British tabloid News of the World published a photo showing Phelps -- who won eight Olympic gold medals in Beijing last summer -- inhaling deeply from a marijuana pipe produced by UK-based Roor Bongs. "Bong toking is no laughing matter," a well-placed Tokem Enterprises official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The online bongosphere is questioning the integrity of our products because of this unfortunate breach of contract."

Phelps apologized for letting down a sponsor.

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my sponsors, fans and the public it will not happen again."

United States Olympic Committee spokesman Darryl Seibel said the committee was outraged by Phelps' conduct, and was concerned that Tokem Enterprises may drop its sponsorship of the U.S. Olympic snowboarding team. "Phelps' behavior shocks the conscience," Seibel said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "The committee has been in touch with Tokem Enterprises and we let them know that we're disappointed with Phelps and, going forward, we expect different and better conduct."

A high-ranking Roor Bongs official, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, said the bongmaker was in official discussions with Phelps' agent, Peter Carlisle, to offer Phelps perhaps $50 million over 10 years to be the brand's pitchman.

Sources said the Roor Bongs deal likely would include a joint ad campaign with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

Photo: Caveman 92223 -- On the Road Again!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Internet Before Computers, Schools and Hospitals

by Mosufufu James, TYDN African Affairs Writer
ENTASOPIA, Kenya -- (TYDN) The road here from bustling Nairobi winds 100 miles, giving way from asphalt to sand to a maze of cracked desert flats, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In this meager outpost of agricultural subsistence, there is no electricity, running water, hospitals, banks, schools, cars, newspapers or computers. But Google Inc., in a bid to bring this kerosene-lighted town to the modern age, is installing free, satellite-based Internet access to be delivered at the local internet cafe that does not exist in this town of 4,000.

It's part of Mountain View, Calif.-based Google's plans to retain its online dominance while spreading the Internet to the world's fringes. The United Nations applauded the move, saying the promise of Internet access and steaming pornography -- might be the flame that ignites Entasopia and other small outposts across the globe to begin feeding and educating their young.

"This carrot-and-stick approach, of the promise of Internet porn, is a brilliant idea to get countries to progress," U.N. General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "If we gave them food. They would just eat it. If we gave them seed, they'd just plant it and eat the fruits of their labor."

Jared Chenyani is a typical Entasopia resident, and is excited about the Internet's arrival. He speculated that he would sell his wife and family into slavery and prostitution so he could buy a computer.

He just finished scavenging firewood the 31-year-old plans to heat his tiny mud hut where he and his wife and five children reside. Often, the family boils and eats the weeds surrounding their domicile while wife, Dorothy, breastfeeds all the children ranging in ages from 10 to six months.

"Perhaps I can use Google Earth to help me locate more firewood and more weeds to boil," Chenyani said in exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

He said he was not sure where he would plug in the computer.

Photo: Honza Soukup
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