Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Youths Watch Thousands Die During NBA Game Commercials

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Youths watching a single National Basketball Association game on cable television witness thousands of people being maimed, slaughtered, raped and murdered in violent video-game commercials, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The commercials advertise video games with titles such as Assassin's CreedKill Everybody, Slaughter the World, I'm Gonna Kill You and Your Family, and I'm Gonna Kill My Family After I Kill You and Your Family, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the first and most exhaustive analysis of television violence during NBA commercials.

Cable outlet channel TNT blasted the study, saying it was shortsighted and overlooked thousands of other non-video-game deaths in NBA game commercials -- such as the violence in scary movie commercials.

"That the TheYellowDailyNews' study found that only video-game commercials show wanton carnage, destruction and death on TNT commercials during NBA games simply shocks the conscience, so much so that the study should be invalidated altogether," TNT spokesman Jose Muerto said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Monday, January 30, 2012

NBA Adopts No-Cry Rule

by Darrell Rakein, TYDN NBA Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The National Basketball Association on Monday adopted a "no-cry" rule that awards free throws to opposing teams when a player visibly cries because he did not like the referee's call, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The rulebook change, which was first disclosed on TheYellowDailyNews' website, was greeted by Las Vegas casinos immediately halting wagering on NBA games until they could examine the ramifications of the new regulation, dubbed the "Kobe-Lebron" rule.

The NBA said it had adopted the change in a bid to create parity among the league's 30 teams.

"Two of the league's best players, Lebron James and Kobe Bryant, cry after every call. So this rule will give free throws to opposing teams and hopefully make games against the Heat and Lakers tighter, and the league a less lopsided one," NBA spokesman Mike Bass said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Using Electronics Built By Slaves, Online Protesters Ding Twitter On Censorship Announcement

by Howard Schlumpinsky, TYDN Internet Affairs Writer
SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Armed with smart phones and computers built by third-world indentured servants and child slaves, the American online community is blasting Twitter for agreeing to censor tweets in foreign nations to comport with local law, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Twitter's announcement on its blog -- which was broadcast to the world via computers powered by oil produced by despotic regimes, and servers built by subsistence-wage workers in totalitarian nations -- was met with staunch disdain by much of the online American public.

"That Twitter would acquiesce to this grave human rights violation and agree to censor some tweets simply shocks the conscience," blogged Arnold Davidisnky, a 20-something San Francisco computer engineer adorned in designer clothing produced by overseas sweat shop workers as young as 7 years old.

Davidisnky's sentiment was seemingly shared internet wide.

"Twitter needs to set an example that human rights violations of censorship cannot be tolerated," tweeted somebody going by the Twitter handle @invisibleirony.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Poll: GOP Voters Siding With 'Least Heinous' Candidate

by Dexter Futzmery, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- (TYDN) Likely GOP primary voters polled here following the GOP presidential debate said Friday they plan next week to choose the "least heinous" of the four candidates, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TheYellowDailyNews' telephone survey of 150 likely GOP voters for the first time highlighted a positive shift in U.S. voting habits. In past surveys, voters said they would vote for the "less evil" candidate.

Analysts said the statistically significant study, with a plus-or-minus margin of error rating of 3.5 percentage points, underscored that Americans were embracing the political process and beginning to view politicians as only heinous instead of evil.

"I think the study clearly shows that American politics is moving in the right direction, that Americans are starting to have more faith and are feeling better about their choices for government office," Cal State Fullerton historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Gingrich Lied, Concedes He Has No 'Personal' Friends

by Dexter Futzmery, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- (TYDN) GOP presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich conceded Thursday that he lied a week ago when he told a national, televised audience that he had "personal" friends, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts suggested that the revelation, first reported by TheYellowDailyNews on its website, was among the biggest political scandals since President Bill Clinton said he did not have sex with intern Monica Lewinsky.

The Gingrich brouhaha started last week when CNN's John King questioned the candidate if it was true that in 1999 he asked his then-wife Marianne Gingrich for an open marriage so that he could continue having an affair with his girlfriend, Callista.

"Now, let me be quite clear. Let me be quite clear. The story is false. Every personal friend I have who knew us in that period says the story was false," an angry Gingrich told King.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

State of the Union: Obama Warns Iran on iPhone Ambitions

by James Burns, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) As Europe was ferrying battleships to the Gulf, President Barack Obama used his State of the Union speech Tuesday night to ramp up pressure on Iran's pursuit of the iPhone, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The president warned Iran that America would focus on Tehran's disputed iPhone program with "no options off the table," but said the door remained open to talks for a peaceful resolution.

The President's comments came as European nations sent an international flotilla of warships, led by U.S. carriers, through the sensitive Strait of Hormuz on Sunday as a "clear signal" to Tehran that the iPhone was off limits. A report by the U.N. watchdog International Atomic Energy Agency this month suggested that Iran has been pursuing the iPhone since Apple Inc. unveiled the gadget in 2007.

Meantime, the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press found that American's believe Iran is pursuing the iPhone as a precursor to securing the iPad or perhaps the MacBook Pro.

In his State of the Union, Obama told Congress that Tehran was isolated and facing "crippling" sanctions that he said would continue so long as Iran kept its back turned to the global community and continued its pursuit of the iPhone.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Mitt Romney To Pay $2.99 In Taxes For 2010-2011

by Marinol Mota, TYDN Business Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Venture capitalist and GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney released his 2010 tax returns Tuesday and an estimate for 2011 showing he is likely to pay $2.99 in taxes on income of $42.5 million over the two-year period, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The tax records show Romney and his wife, Ann, paid an effective tax rate of 0.00001 percent on their adjusted gross income in 2010. The estimate is the same for 2011.

Analysts said it marked the first time in the nation's history that a presidential candidate had ever paid taxes.

Well-placed Romney campaign operatives, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said Romney is expected to seize on the publication of his tax returns in the upcoming GOP presidential debates.

"He will highlight the injustice of him being taxed $2.99 by showing that he could have paid his limo driver an extra 3 cents a week had his income not been taken from him and given to welfare crack moms," a Romney campaign official with knowledge of the upcoming debates said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Landmark Decision: Supreme Court Says Something About Something

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that something about something requires some type of action by something, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The far-reaching 125-page decision -- with a 5-4 majority opinion, a 4-5 concurring opinion and a separate solo opinion -- came five years after the Supreme Court first addressed the topic in a ruling that many legal observers suggested at the time would spark more litigation, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the most advanced legal analysis on the topic to date.

Legal observers concurred Monday, and said the court's latest opinion clearly spelled out for the first time that something about something requires some type of action by something.

"This is a watershed, landmark opinion that will forever change the face of legal doctrine about whether something about something requires some type of action by something," Harvard scholar Burt Lacksdale said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Markets Cheer Turning World's Last Tree into Cash

by Gina Raporamama, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK — (TYDN) Stocks skyrocketed Friday when the Federal Reserve announced it had secured the rights to the world’s last living tree, enabling the Fed a final opportunity to print more cash to give to banking executives, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Stocks had fluctuated wildly during the trading day until the Fed said it had agreed to give $1 million to an elderly Sonoma, Calif., woman in exchange for the rights to log a giant sequoia from her yard -- the world's last standing tree. Following the global financial collapse, world governments, including the United States, have gobbled up the world's timber resources to process it into cash to dole out to financial executives.

When the closing bell rang, advancing stocks outpaced losing issues by a 4-to-1 margin.

In after-hours trading, however, stocks began to lose ground when environmentalists sued, alleging the 300-foot, 200-year-old tree likely could not be logged until an environmental impact study was conducted to determine the impact on the Spotted Owl and spawning salmon.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Gillette Drops Porn Star Who Refused to Shave Pubic Hair

by Ragina Manniheim, TYDN Theater Affairs Writer
HOLLYWOOD -- (TYDN) Gillette, the popular maker of disposable shaving razors and creams, is dropping its $1 million endorsement of a popular porn actress who shocked the world when she performed in her latest film with unshaven pubic hair, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Annaliah Mickdilda
The announcement from Gillette came a week after TheYellowDailyNews, citing anonymous porn industry sources, first disclosed that Annaliah Mickdilda would star in the critically acclaimed Butt Destroyers III with pubic hair that had not been manicured for weeks.

Industry analysts said the brouhaha marked the first time in modern porn history that a starlet appeared in a top-notch porno with pubic hair. 

Porn industry analysts, meanwhile, also said it was the biggest sponsorship scandal to rock the porn industry since 2005, when the Trojan rubber that actor Big Ben was performing in burst on the set of Do Your Neighbor's Mom.

"Mickdilda has clearly breached her contract, which demands she be manicured," Gillette spokesman Richard Sharpinsky said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That she would perform unshaven frankly shocks the conscience."

Leigh Steinberg, Mickdilda's agent, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that he would demand binding arbitration with the Porn Industry Pubic Hair Review Board. Steinberg added that Gillette was being unreasonable.

"Nearly all of the 60-minute feature amounted to Mickdilda performing hardcore anal sex," Steinberg said. "Her pubic hair was barely visible during the entirety of Butt Destroyers III."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Analysis: Supreme Court Would Look ‘Dumb’ Televised

by Momosa Fabrekante, TYDN Legal Affairs Writer 
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The U.S. Supreme Court repeatedly resists calls to televise its proceedings because the court would appear to viewers as dumb, out of touch and devoid of reality, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The high court’s nine justices have opposed airing their proceedings, publicly saying that doing so could compromise decorum, alter what are normally sedate proceedings and would prompt litigators and perhaps the justices to play to the camera.

But new evidence, based on an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews that included reviewing more than 200 years of precedent and protocol, has found that the justices refrain from airing oral arguments because they don’t want the public to see how inane the process is, and how completely out of touch it is to everyday Americans.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor
Analysts said TheYellowDailyNews’ investigation was the first time the media has seriously questioned the high court’s broadcasting policy in the modern era.

“Nobody would have a clue as to what we’re talking about,” one of the justices said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. “We use words like ‘affirm’ all the time to mean ‘execute him.’ Joe Sixpack cannot process that.”

Until now, a leading yet little-discussed theory about why the court was not televised concerned Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s generous use of hair activator.

Urinating Marines Face Court Martial for Not Defecating on Taliban Corpses

by Gomer Pilon, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Obama administration said Tuesday it was considering courts-martial for the four U.S. Marines who only urinated but did not defecate on corpses of Taliban fighters, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least three administration officials, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the Marines face execution for failing to defecate on the bodies of insurgents they killed in Afghanistan.

Military analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said the Marines' failure to evacuate their bowels on the dead is the biggest act of treason since 1953, when Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed for passing along atomic bomb information to the Soviets. These military analysts, meanwhile, said the upcoming court martial marked the first time servicemen would be tried in a military tribunal for failing to defecate on Taliban fighters.

The Naval Criminal Investigative Service is investigating the authenticity of a 85-second video of the marines emptying their bladders on three dead Taliban. The video was obtained exclusively by TheYellowDailyNews and posted on its website last week.

Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos called the lack of defecation "wholly inconsistent with the high standards of conduct and warrior ethos that we have demonstrated throughout our history."

Monday, January 16, 2012

Attention-Deficit Drugs in Short Supply

by Cybil Atencion, TYDN Mental Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Medicines to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder are in short supply, TheYellowDailyNews has learned, leaving patients so worried about their next dose that they have begun taking anxiety drugs. 

The shortages are a result of an oversight by drug manufacturers, and a Drug Enforcement Administration paying no attention to thousands of consumer complaints. Analysts, speaking on condition of anonymity to TheYellowDailyNews and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said it's the first time a shortage of attention-deficit drugs was paid no attention to by government regulators and drug manufacturers. 

"We have never seen this," a well-placed government official with direct knowledge of the shortage said on condition of anonymity. "Wait, what was the question again? Can you repeat the question?" 

Caught in between are millions of children and adults who rely on the pills to help them stay focused and calm. Shortages, particularly of cheaper generics, have become so endemic that some patients say they worry almost constantly about availability, forcing them to pop anxiety medications as well.