Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Senate Fails to Repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

by Sonia Reynoso, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON – (TYDN) Saying there were hundreds of thousands of straight men and women they could send to foreign wars, Senate Republicans dealt a severe and potentially fatal blow Tuesday to efforts to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which bans gay men and women from serving openly in the armed forces, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Democrats were unable to sway a single Republican to begin debate on the defense authorization bill that included the repeal. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs suggested that Republicans objected to the measure for personal, not political, reasons.

"No matter how high and fast they waive the flag, the GOP just doesn't want their sons and daughters in the military," Gibbs told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

After the measure's failure, thousands of gays celebrated outside, breathing a sigh of relief. "I don't want to be in a foxhole with a bunch of breeders. That's disgusting," said Joy Lesploitanala, a 19-year-old gay woman who was planning on moving to Canada had the law passed, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The failure to repeal the law, despite White House backing and majorities in Congress, marked a low point in the more than decade-long effort to rid a policy begun under President Bill Clinton. Democrats thought this was their best chance to undo the 17-year-old measure after President Obama had won the support of Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and other military leaders to get rid of it.

"Just because they can't marry, doesn't mean gays shouldn't serve in the military and possibly get maimed, mutilated or killed in the name of foreign policy," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

A senior Republican Senate aide, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said that although some GOP lawmakers don't necessarily oppose repeal, they don't want to act before a Pentagon review of the proposed policy change has been completed.

A source familiar with the Pentagon review, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the report is expected to show that, if gays and lesbians are aloud in the military, thousands of high-ranking military officers would be aloud to continue serving.

Photo: Umpqua

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Monday, September 20, 2010

BP Well Executed by Lethal Injection

by Libby McRaid, TYDN Death Penalty Affairs Writer
SAN QUENTIN, Calif. -- (TYDN) Five months after it began spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico, BP's mass-murdering Macondo oil well was executed by lethal injection Sunday as thousands of death-penalty opponents picketed outside this aging prison here, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Death chamber moments before BP well's execution
Retired Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen, head of the joint task force that oversaw the execution, issued a statement saying that the well expired at 5:54 AM Central time. The well was sent to death row after it exploded April 20, killing 11 workers and ultimately releasing more than 170 million gallons of oil into gulf waters.

Admiral Allen said the well was handed the ultimate form of punishment as a deterrent to other wells considering blowing up and killing more workers and marine life.

Execution witnesses said the well, wearing shackles, was brought into the prison's death chamber, where executioners strapped it down. There was a brief delay after one of the executioners ran to a nearby Walgreens to purchase rubbing alcohol, which was necessary to prevent the well from getting an infection from the poison-laden catheters.

The condemned well's death was first reported Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

A priest who read the condemned prisoner's last rights said the well requested fried chicken, French fries and a fried Twinkie for its last meal. Relatives of the victims were incensed after the warden read the well's last words: "This is slick."

As the three-drug cocktail began flowing into the well, family members of the well's victims began clenching their fists, hoping it would be a painful well death. "This whole process seemed too humane. I would have shot that well on sight, then shot it again months ago," a victim's relative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews after the execution in an exclusive interview.

Outside the prison walls, thousands decried the execution as "barbaric."

"What if DNA evidence shows that this well is not the culprit? Death cannot be undone," Anthony Romero, the executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

About 35 people were arrested outside prison gates after death-penalty foes clashed with death-penalty proponents.

One death-penalty proponent was listed in critical condition at a local hospital after several death-penalty opponents were seen clubbing him with baseball bats.

Friday, September 17, 2010

San Bruno Gas Explosion Linked To Youth 'Flatulence Contest'

by Gashia Flagratio, TYDN Staff Writer
SAN BRUNO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Federal investigators said Friday a natural gas explosion that ripped through a neighborhood here last week, killing four people, was the result of boys igniting their farts in a "flatulence contest gone awry," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

About 50 homes were also destroyed and dozens of people injured when what was originally believed to be a Pacific Gas and Electric natural gas line rupturing. As it turned out, a flatulence ignition sent a massive fireball through a neighborhood here, engulfing everything in its path.

The revelation was first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

PG&E is breathing a huge sigh of relief after the authorities concluded that a handful of 7th grade local boys in the neighborhood were using a Bic lighter and igniting their flatulence, seeing who could produce the biggest conflagration from their buttocks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"One of the fattest boys really laid one out, and all hell broke loose," said National Traffic Safety Board investigator, Hans Methanamus, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Sooner or later, we knew a flatulence contest gone awry would result in a disaster of biblical proportions."

In the tragedy's wake, Congress immediately passed legislation, signed by President Barack Obama, making it a felony, even for juveniles, "to ignite their farts with matches or lighters." The "Don't Light Your Flatulence Act" carries penalties of up to five years in prison.

The American Civil Liberties Union immediately decried the legislation as being vague, saying in a statement obtained by TheYellowDailyNews that some youths could be prosecuted under the law "because they emitted a heavy dose of flatulence near where their parents were barbecuing."

According to investigatory reports reviewed by TheYellowDailyNews, a group of as many as six middle school boys, who had just returned from Taco Bell, challenged one another to determine "who could be the block's 'flatulence king' for the day."

Witnesses described the aftermath of the flatulence contest as a thunderous roar heard for miles, sending a geyser of fire hundreds of feet into the air as emergency personnel responding to the scene believed that an airline crash had occurred.

The flatulence-stoked blaze leaped from structure to structure in this neighborhood a few miles south of San Francisco, unabated for almost an hour as emergency crews rushed in and residents streamed out.

Photo: achesonblog

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Fashion Analysis: Lady Gaga Flank Steak Choice Was Wrong Cut

by Kristen Kropolis, TYDN Fashion Affairs Writer

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) We are so used to the dead whites and galactic silvers of Lady Gaga and future-minded designers that to see a palette of mauve, rose, pink, tan, purple and terra cotta flank steak -- sometimes in a mix of three or four colors -- makes you want something more earthbound like rump roast.

But for all the glamorous associations of a silk peasant blouse, or a one-shoulder dress in sheer, swirling stripes, or a turned-back-brim straw hat and a corsage, this particular dress made of meat is strangely touching — perhaps because it involves a sense of play on flank steaks.

In its own raw, sensual way, Gaga's meat dress at the MTV Video Music awards sadly harkened to the silk crepe or satin dresses of '30s type favored by John Galliano, with flutters and trails of meat fabric.

We found her carnivore couture choice of flank steak rather alarming, and a blown opportunity. We wonder why she didn't opt for the rump roast, a more durable meat form, that would have certainly showed off her curves while at the same time cutting down on the drippings, maggots and stench.

What's more, the Gaga self-designed flank-steak dress looked shrunken, creating many ripples, somewhat lumpy pockets and the kind of organic texture that missed the mark. Its lines were a boringly repetitive show; the concept not really new, and there is a limit to the appeal of a flank-steak dress.

To be sure, the dress had a contemporary evening feel, but without new, beefy ideas for day, it remained passively vintage.

The fabric went this way and that way, and then the fabric aged right before our eyes. Sure, the dress was a tribute to home. But can the notion of home be an influence?

And can it be an influence without its inducing nostalgia or banal references to Mom's closet?

We don't think so.

This dress felt like the California experience gone awry, despite its homey texture imagery and cut of  high-waist steak flanks interspersed with wood tones of a stripes-worn blanket-style -- with an almost open-shoulder Chinese porcelain pattern.

With this dress, we suspect that people will look at it again and again in a kind of amazement, wondering why she didn't go with rump roast.

Don't get us started on those flank-steak boots.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sept. 10, 2001: A Day the Nation Will Never Forget

By Ariel Doloresian, TYDN Staff Writer
WASHINGTON – (TYDN) It was a solemn day across the United States, as millions of Americans reflected on 9/10, a prehistoric time of sorts before airline travel became safer with the advent of a mandate that fliers' toiletries be placed in sandwich bags, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

From California to New York, 9/10 represents a day that will go down in history like no other day, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, in what is believed to be the most exhaustive investigation into the 9/10 mindset.

Along the Santa Cruz, Calif. boardwalk, Americans munching chocolate fried Twinkies remembered that they used to eat them against the advice of their doctors. Now, these artery-hardening treats represent a freedom that our soldiers are fighting to uphold in foreign battlefields.

"These Twinkies have so much symbolism now," said a heavy set man, James Fattersboy, as he waited in a line 30 obese-people deep to get his hands on what he dubbed "Tiny Freedom Rockets."

"Christ, Americans are dying on the battlefield so I can eat these. My hats are off to these men and woman," Fattersboy continued in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

In the drug-addled Tenderloin district of San Francisco, shooting heroin is not what it used to be.

"I remembers whens weez used to needle up, all we had to worry about was losing our families, jobs and friends," said Rachel Cadalphia, a 44-year-old crack ho, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, I feel guilty that I'm sponsoring terrorism, that I'm fueling the opium trade in Afghanistan. I've thought about quitting several times."

Mental health experts, who have dubbed 9/10 "Pre-Patriot Day," said 9/10 is likely to foster all kinds of strange imagery and paradoxes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The day is a game changer for sure," said Peter Cocophania, a New York University psychologist, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, everybody is wondering whether the terrorist inside of them, no matter how slight, will get them whisked away to a foreign country and tortured."

Nowhere was 9/10 more symbolic than at a suburban Philadelphia gas station, where Melissia Tanzant was filling up her 2009 Suburban, which gets about 10 mph.

"Before 9/10, my only unconcern when filling up was that this gasoline was killing polar bears and perhaps placing the world on a faster path toward extinction," Tanzant said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, because of 9/10, I still don't care about the polar bears."

Photo: Zach Dischner

Thursday, September 9, 2010

EXTRA: Pastor Cancels Muslim Porn Burning, Plans to Meet Imam

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- (TYDN) The pastor planning a burning of Muslim porn on Saturday said Thursday he will cancel the event, adding he plans to meet with the imam planning to build a Wal-Mart near Ground Zero.

Terry Jones, the pastor from Gainesville, Fla., said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "We have agreed to cancel the event."

The pastor's announcement came after a growing chorus of demands, from President Obama to religious leaders, American generals and others, that he cancel burning the holiest form of porn because of the potential impact on Christian-Muslim relations and the effect a Muslim porn burning would have on American troops fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The decision by Jones, who heads the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, came the same day President Obama said that the pastor's plan to burn the holiest form of porn on the anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks was a 'stunt' that violates American principles of tolerance.

"If Mr. Jones is listening, I just hope he understands that what he's proposing to do is completely contrary to our values as Americans," Mr. Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jones' decision to cancel the event was first reported Thursday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Obama said that the Muslim porn burning would be a "recruitment bonanza for Al Qaeda" and other terrorist groups looking for people willing to "blow themselves up" in American or European cities.

Mr. Obama is the strongest voice so far among a long list of prominent political and religious leaders who have condemned Mr. Jones's highly publicized plan to burn holy, muslim porn.

General David H. Petraeus, the American commander in Afghanistan, said this week that the burning would put American troops there directly in harm's way, a warning echoed by the FBI, which has said that Islamic extremists would likely retaliate.

The reaction in the Muslim world, many Islamic experts said, could be as bad, or perhaps even worse, than the reaction after a Danish newspaper published a cartoon in 2005 depicting the prophet Mohammad with his turban turning into a bomb. The cartoon ignited huge protests around the Muslim world.

The United States stayed largely out of the controversy, with riots and burnings directed toward Danish and European entities. But a burning of sacred Muslim porn in Florida would unleash that anger directly at the United States, scholars warned.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Google's Search Page Remake Portends 'Gorgeousness'

by Jona Salt, TYDN Technology Affairs Writer
Google's post-Labor Day change to its infamous search page is causing quite a stir in the blogosphere, spurring speculation about whether the mysterious and rumored graphic remake portends other changes at the search giant, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

When users went to Google's classic search page Tuesday, they were treated to a Google logo in which the straight line in the capital "G" in "Google" was about a millimeter shorter, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

TechCrunch, citing at least three sources familiar with Google's upcoming rumored search page changes, suggested that the normally yellow second "O" in "Google" will be replaced by the color orange.

Those rumors ignited speculation that other letters of the famous Google logo could change in shape, color and size. Gizmodo, quoting internal Google documents "found" at a Palo Alto, Calif. bar, reported that Google would soon shrink its familiar home page search box to 4.25 inches from 4.5 inches.

The New York Times suggested that the resized search box portends the gorgeousness of what a search page could be.

"This new rumored look underscores the gorgeousness by which a home search page can be," David Pogue, the Time's chief technology reporter, wrote on his blog, first read by TheYellowDailyNews. "It's delicious."

All the while, Google's stock was soaring in after hours trading on the Nasdaq Stock Market. Analysts said the makeover would certainly increase the Mountain View, Calif.-based company's share of the world search market.

"This is perhaps the most expansive and consumer-friendly new Google feature since the company created Gmail," said Forrester Research analyst JP Gownder, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This changeover is certain to bring back internet surfers who defected to Microsoft's Bing."

Meanwhile, Wire's Gadget Lab blog, citing unconfirmed rumors from three anonymous sources, suggested that the rumored Google search page makeover was created to counter Apple's far-reaching decision last week to recast its iTunes logo.

Gadget lab, in a 25,000-word analysis of the issue published Tuesday, said the face of technology is rapidly evolving and "providing consumers with an ever-changing, life-changing and life-enriching landscape of new branding logos and, hence, a fun-packed user experience emblazoned with gorgeousness."

Photo: Alain Bachellier

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Monday, September 6, 2010

TYDN Workers Strike, Protest on Labor Day

by a TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews staff have gone on an unauthorized strike in celebration of Labor Day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The National Labor Relations Board, and New York Police Department riot-gear authorities have been called in to quell the violence at TheYellowDailyNews' hallmark headquarters here. Our reporters and photographers are not rushing to the scene.
Photo: caitlin_

Friday, September 3, 2010

Obama To Discuss 'Issues' At Press Conference Next Week

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama is to hold a White House press conference next week to discuss the "issues" near and dear to Americans, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources declined publicly to disclose details of the Sept. 10 news conference, which is to come a day before the 9th anniversary of the September 11 terror attacks. But several high-ranking administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly discuss the press event, said the president would wear a red tie and a dark suit during his first solo press conference since May 27.

The leak ignited speculation whether the president would adorn a suit sewn by one of the event's commercial sponsors. As of press time early Friday, Las Vegas oddsmakers were offering even-money wagering on that issue.

And a handful of select casinos were offering lopsided wagering on how black the president would allow himself to look on television, an issue some analysts suggested could be a huge factor whether the Democrats stay in power after the November elections.

"Will the makeup on his skin make him look like an Oompa-Loompa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or will it look its natural birth color of his Indonesian birthplace?" asked syndicated columnist, Josh Popovitch, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Meanwhile, at least three administration sources said the president is likely to disclose during his 8th solo news conference his favorite iPod color, a far-reaching White House policy that some analysts said could nip at him for the remainder of his term.

Aides said the president was also likely to announce who he believed would win the latest Dancing with the Stars. Tea Party activist Glenn Beck told his radio and television flock that the president was not likely to choose Bristol Palin, a revelation that is expected to ignite the first presidential recall in U.S. history.

Photo: Chuck "Caveman" Cooker

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Lack of Conditioning Gets Steelers' Polamalu on Disabled List

by Anthony Calvo, TYDN Hair Affairs Writer
PITTSBURGH –- (TYDN) The Steelers placed defensive safety Troy Polamalu on the injured reserve list early Wednesday, putting in doubt whether the star defensive safety would play in Pittsburgh's regular season home opener against Atlanta, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Polamalu, 29, is suffering from his worst case of split ends since he stopped cutting his hair in 2000, a team source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

"It's just too painful for him to be out there right now until he gets more conditioning," the source told TheYellowDailyNews.

Other sources, meanwhile, suggested the five-time Pro Bowl selectee was sidelined amid private allegations that his iconic, 3-foot-maine was the result of performance-enhancing shampoos. Those allegations, elevating Polamalu into the crosshairs of a doping scandal, surfaced a day after the maker of Head and Shoulders announced it had taken out a $1 million insurance policy on the Samoan American's sweeping locks.

"Nobody has hair like that unless they are using some type of enhancer," an NFL source, with direct knowledge of the investigation, told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "We vetted this out. Those are not extensions."

It's not the first time Polamalu's hair has come under attack. Larry Johnson of the Chiefs tackled him by the hair in a 2006 game.

Greg Aiello, an NFL spokesman, confirmed that the league was investigating whether Head and Shoulders, made by Proctor and Gamble Co., should be permanently banned by pro football.

Marvin Demoff, Polamalu's agent, declined comment.

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