WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain announced Thursday they were dropping out of the presidential race, in what both campaigns said was in response to voters being "utterly annoyed by them."
The decisions, a day after their third and final debate, came after the candidates concluded voters were tired of whining by them and their running mates. Most important, according to an independent poll conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, CNN, ABC, The New York Times and Wall Street Journal, roughly 95 percent of likely voters said they wanted the two major party candidates to drop dead so they wouldn't have to listen to them anymore. The survey had a margin of error rate of 0 percentage points.
The announcements were followed by the third-party candidates also dropping out amid fears of assuming the presidency in President Bush's shadow.
Revisionist historians said the succession of dropouts marked the first time in U.S. history that Mickey Mouse, grandma and other write-in candidates are expected to win the presidency. The Dow Jones Industrial Average soared 721 points, fueled by investor optimism that a competent leader might succeed Bush.
At a joint news conference here, the two major party candidates -- Obama and McCain -- informed the nation of their decisions to put their country ahead of politics.
"I have always said that I did not want to win an election while losing a country," McCain, the Republican from Arizona, wrote in a statement handed to reporters after his advisers concluded the public could not stomach his voice anymore. "My opponent was against the surge."
For his part, Obama, the Democrat from Illinois, said he was dropping out of the race because he could not stand to hear himself speak anymore. "I'm opposed to everything my opponent stands for," Obama, speaking through a sign-language interpreter, told reporters here. "That my opponent dropped out underscores why I'm dropping out."
Independent candidate Ralph Nader and the handful of other third-party candidates immediately exited the race, too. "Hell, do you think I want to take over what the Bush administration has left behind," Nader asked in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I perpetually run in these elections to toy with the results without any intention of actually becoming president."