Apple says it took "courage" to demand sweatshop workers build iPhones without headphone ports

SAN FRANCISCO (TYDN)— Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller said Wednesday it took "courage" for the technology giant to get enough nerve to demand that the thousands of children enslaved in China factories produce its newest iPhone without a 3.5mm audio port, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The reason to move on: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us," Schiller said onstage here at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, as he announced that the new iPhone 7 would not come with a headphone jack.

"We were concerned that, if the assembly line workers objected, we would have had no recourse. What could we have done? We had no more room to dock their pay," Schiller said.

Phil Schiller explains "courage"

The 7,000 members of the Apple Faithful covering the iPhone unveiling fell head over heels. After all, Schiller's comments were a clear acknowledgement that Apple was finally taking human rights seriously, analysts said.

Now that Apple is removing the headphone jack, other phone makers will likely follow suit. That's another positive development for Chinese children working 16-hour days at overseas technology factories.

"This is a really great time to be a Chinese factory worker making mobile phones. Think about how much less cancerous dust the workers will have to breathe because they won't have to drill the headphone hole," Tina Stein, a human rights monitor for Amnesty International, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Apple's adoration for its factory workers takes my breath away."

Other analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews agreed—that Apple's decision to remove the headphone jack can only be good for assembly line workers.

"Apple has always been a leader, and now it is leading the charge for protecting the thousands of children who are slaving away building Apple products in dangerous conditions," technology analyst Jon Crackstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let there be no mistake, this is likely to reduce the suicide rate of Apple assembly line workers at the Foxconn sweatshops by 6.79 percent, or more."

Still, other analysts told TheYellowDailyNews that Apple's decision will increase employment opportunities for overseas factory workers. That's because Apple is moving from an open standard to a closed one when it comes to how headphones plug into its iPhone—in this instance via the charging port instead of a headphone jack.

"Think of all the new headphones everybody is gonna have to buy now," Smith-Barney analyst Anita Bornstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Sure, Apple makes magical devices. But all of these new headphones aren't going to be built by magic. This is all about job creation."

NRA implores its members to stop shooting, killing people

FAIRFAX, Va.—(TYDN) Wayne LaPierre, the National Rifle Association chief executive officer, asked the group's faithful followers Sunday to stop shooting and killing people, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

LaPierre's comments at its national membership meeting in the lobbying group's hometown here follow a recent spate of murders across the globe, in which NRA members sprayed people with bullets for no apparent reason. LaPierre said it was the victims' fault for not wearing bullet-proof vests while out in public. But he also said he's growing tired of having to respond to the almost daily and indiscriminate murdering of non-bullet-proof-vest-wearing innocents.

NRA chief urges members to quit killing people. Photo: TYDN

"It frankly shocks the conscience that people would go out in public and not wear bullet proof clothing knowing that everybody is packing heat because of the NRA's intense lobbying," LaPierre, wearing his Sunday best Kevlar vest, told the faithful here to intense applause. "But you must reduce the number of murders and save your bullets for when the Queen of England comes knocking on your door."

Second Amendment analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that LaPierre's comments face an uphill battle. "There's an estimated 4.5 million NRA members, and you know some of them are unable to just sleep with their weapons," Joel Jarnestein, a Stanford University constitutional scholar, told TheYellowDailyNews.

Jon Smith, a 29-year-old Georgia hog farmer who traveled here for the annual NRA meeting, told TheYellowDailyNews that he'll try to reduce the number of people he kills each year with his automatic rifle. "It's kinda boring just killing pigs with this thing," Smith said. "And my wives want me to stop bringing it to bed with us."

LaPierre's speech, however, underscored a growing discord in the NRA ranks. Many members suggested that LaPierre was kowtowing to the DC elite, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

"If he's now saying we should stop the killing, then I'm having a hard time understanding the NRA's motto of 'guns don't kill people, people do,'" Mark Jones, an Idaho potato farmer, told TheYellowDailyNews here on the convention floor. "It just doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Who is Wayne LaPierre to tell me how I can use my assault rifles."

Walt Disney Co. Copyrights English Alphabet, Eyes Other Languages

BURBANK, Calif.—(TYDN) The US Copyright Office granted the Walt Disney Co. a copyright to the English alphabet Friday, setting the stage for the entertainment concern to seek licensing agreements with all companies or individuals using any combination of the letters without its permission, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Because of the so-called "Mickey Mouse" doctrine Congress adopted in 1998, Disney's newest copyright will last indefinitely, and take priority on court dockets over other civil and criminal matters.

Analysts said it was the first time an entire language was copyrighted, a move these analysts told TheYellowDailyNews is expected to give the entertainment company even greater control over the English-speaking public. What's more, Disney is expected to expand its language copyright portfolio to other tongues, including the popular languages of Spanish, Japanese, Russian, Mandarin and others.

Several Disney sources, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that Disney, with copyright in hand, is privately negotiating with the White House to rename the United States to "Disneyland." Government sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the name change would soon be announced—a move that was already in the works well before Disney even applied for its alphabet copyright.

TYDN file photo.

Meanwhile, Disney is privately working on deals to purchase several Pacific Northwest paper companies. This, sources familiar with the talks tell TheYellowDailyNews, would enable Disney to have enough paper to print out licensing agreements and lawsuits targeting anybody and everybody using the alphabet without Disney's permission.

"We're not sure if there's enough trees in the Pacific Northwest to meet our needs, but it's a start," a well-placed Disney official, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, exclusively told TheYellowDailyNews. "Just think about how many envelopes we'll need."

These same Disney officials, however, promised they wouldn't abuse the copyright.

They told TheYellowDailyNews that the entertainment giant would soon set up so-called "infringement-free zones" at its US-based theme parks to give park-goers a chance to speak in English without having to pay any licensing fees. For park-goers to qualify to enter these "infringement free zones," they must wear and purchase a $29.99 Mickey Mouse or Minnie Mouse ears hat, these sources said.

"These infringement free zones clearly demonstrate that Disney isn't the copyright maximalist that everybody says it is," a high-ranking Harvard University copyright scholar told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because she feared being sued for speaking without a licensing agreement.

All the while, as news spread of Disney's copyright, which was first reported by TheYellowDailyNews, interest in intellectual property law skyrocketed at US law schools.

Disney's stock soared after the copyright was announced. But trading on the New York Stock Exchange was halted shortly after when the exchange's servers collapsed on record trading volume.

NRA: Orlando nightclub attack would have been avoided if everyone carried assault rifles

ORLANDO, Fla.—(TYDN)  The National Rifle Association said Saturday that gun control measures were responsible for the Orlando nightclub attack by a lone gunman who killed 49 partygoers, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The nation's biggest gun lobby said that gunman, Omar Mateen, would not have been able to kill 49 people June 12 and wound dozens of others at the Pulse club with an AR-15 assault rifle if everybody in the club was armed with an AR-15 or other weapon.

"Gun control advocates once again have blood on their hands," said DeWayne Pierrovitch, the NRA's chief executive officer, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "There's absolutely no way Mateen would have walked into that club and started shooting everybody if everybody in that club also had an assault weapon. He just would not have done it, and everybody knows that."

TYDN file photo/Joe Loong

Pierrovitch's comments come as the nation mourns the Pulse club's victims amid a renewed debate about gun control. What's more, Second Amendment analysts suggested that the Supreme Court, backed by NRA lobbying, might now declare any form of gun restrictions illegal in the tragedy's wake.

"Jesus Christ, everyday there's another bloodbath in America and it's all because everybody isn't armed with an assault weapon—and that's because the Supreme Court hates America and is in President Barack Obama's pocket," Harvard University scholar Amid Dravovitch told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "It simply shocks the conscience to go out in public and not see everybody, except for the criminals, carrying assault weapons. When will this madness end?"

Family members of the victims expressed outrage, too. Speaking at a downtown vigil here, a mother of one of the dead Pulse victims said she felt responsible, in part, for the tragedy.

"My son was a good man and didn't deserve this," the mother, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I found a stockpile of assault rifles in his closet and made him throw them away."

Game of Thrones Blonde Woman Does Nude Scene

NEW YORK—(TYDN) That one Game of Thrones blonde woman with long, braided hair was involved in a nude scene in the latest episode, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The nude scene involving the character Daenerys, who is a slave-liberating queen of some place and who has a few fire-breathing dragons, was much anticipated and boosted HBO ratings enormously.

Analysts said it was Daenerys' best nude scene since her last nude scene in season 3, and it came at a pivotal moment in the 6-season-long series.

"Nobody really knows what this show is about anymore, except that there's a few characters that we really want to see naked, and up popped the devil in the latest episode," TV Guide movie critic Jake Jonstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This underscores how absolutely brilliant this show is."

Viewers were elated, too, as the actress was shown nude for several seconds after walking out of a burning hut, unscathed whatsoever.

"This show has got a bunch of pretty people backstabbing each other and trying to rule some place somewhere, and one of these places has a giant wall, and I've been awaiting for Daenerys to get naked for several seasons now," one viewer told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Sure, that other witch-like woman gets naked all the time, but she's no Daenerys."

Other TV critics, however, blasted the show, saying it needed more nude scenes to remain relevant.

Exclusive: Trump Paid $42 in Taxes Last Year

PALM BEACH, Fla.—(TYDN) Donald Trump paid $42 in taxes last year, according to his 2015 tax returns obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Gage Skidmore/For TYDN

Trump had refrained from releasing his tax returns amid fears he'd be mocked by the right for paying too much.

Analysts who examined the tax returns that were obtained by TheYellowDailyNews agreed that Trump paid a great deal more in taxes than most of the U.S. elite, and was therefore unfit to be the nation's leader. "What a putz. He's a billionaire and paid that massive amount of taxes," billionaire Steve Forbestein quipped in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "How can he be expected to lead the free world when he cannot even manipulate a balance sheet?"

Despite calls for the Republican to abandon his presidential bid, Trump held steady and said he would challenge the "outrageous" amount of taxes taken from him—all the way to the US Supreme Court if necessary.

Speaking poolside outside his 126-room Mar-a-Lago estate here in Palm Beach, Trump said he would release on the IRS an army of tax attorneys.

Photo: Ken Teegardin/For TYDN

"This is outrageous and shocks the conscience that I paid that inordinate amount of taxes to the Barack Obama administration, which is going to waste my hard earned money on healthcare for the poor," Trump said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Nobody in their right mind believes that this is fair, and you can bet the Supreme Court won't think so, either."

The 2016 Republican National Convention is to be held July 18-21 in Cleveland, Ohio. The GOP faithful are expected to protest against the presumptive nominee by labeling him a tax "overpayor."

Monica Lewinsky, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton, the presumptive presidential nominee for the Democrats, said Trump should end his campaign immediately. "This should leave a bad taste in voters' mouths," Lewinsky told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

URGENT: FDA Declares Donald Trump a Carcinogen

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Food and Drug Administration on Wednesday labeled Donald Trump a deadly carcinogen, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Michael Vadon/For TYDN

The FDA secretly began its investigation following a slew of complaints about Trump's orange coloring, several FDA sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the agency's Trump inquiry.

It's the first time the FDA, which regulates the nation's drugs and food, has declared any substance a carcinogen.

Regulators said they would demand the GOP presumptive presidential nominee to label himself as a cancer-causing agent. The FDA, however, is still arguing internally about the label's wording like whether to demand Trump call himself a "cancer' or "cancerous," according to at least seven FDA sources familiar with the labeling who spoke with TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to publicly speak about the new labeling requirements.

But unlike FDA-warnings on cigarette packaging, which caution smokers that smoking "may" be hazardous to one's health, FDA regulators have agreed in principle that Trump "is" hazardous to the nation's health.

"He is clearly a hazard and we are examining whether Trump is imperiling the United States or the world at large," FDA Commissioner Robert M. Califf told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "We had always considered him a 'disease' but a closer examination revealed that he was a carcinogen."

Califf said the agency would conclude by November 8 how big the cancer menace is.

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Pulitzer committee adds “aggregation” category to journalism prize

NEW YORK —(TYDN) The committee that annually doles out the coveted Pulitzer Prizes added a new category—aggregation—to the list of topics underneath the coveted journalism award umbrella, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Pulitzer Prize Board—consisting of editors, reporters, novelists, writers, artists, and professors—said late Wednesday the new category was necessary because much of the journalism being produced in the Digital Age is aggregated by machines and humans.

"The industry has become an aggregated mishmash of news slop, with everybody regurgitating the next guy, so much so that we would be out of step with the times had we not added this new category," Pulitzer Prize Board member Joanne Blaustein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The move, heralded by the media industry which for years had been pushing for the new category, comes days after a special report by TheYellowDailyNews found that the bulk of news stories the media published was first written by a 16-year-old Rhode Island high school junior who had an uncanny pulse on everything from politics, general news, entertainment, business and opinion.

The Pulitzer Prize Board also said it would bolster the number of prizes doled out to entertainment reporting and entertainment photography, and would discontinue the Pulitzer Prizes for investigative reporting and explanatory journalism.

"What would you rather see online, a bunch of long stories you can barely get through about some lame water crisis in Flint, Michigan, or hot bikini photos of the latest drug-addled celebrity hottie?" asked Johhnny Yellstein, a Pulitzer Prize Board member, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I mean, who cares about some starving people at war in some place you’ve never heard of or will ever go when there's hot movie chicks in bikinis to slobber over."

Pulitzer Board Member Alfonso Goolstein was the sole member of the 18-member committee to vote against the changeover. He resigned after suggesting, instead, that a Pulitzer Prize be doled out to excellence in reporting on world hunger.

Goolstein, eating caviar and drinking Dom Perignon champagne in his Manhattan penthouse, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview he was shocked that he was forced to resign from the Pulitzer Prize Board. "I was just trying to stick up for the hungry and oppressed," he said as he ordered his butler to bring another round of drinks.

Meanwhile, a Pulitzer Prize Board spokeswoman, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity, said the committee has received 9,789,452 nominations for the new Pulitzer Prize in aggregation reporting.

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• FBI Links San Bernardino Attack to McDonald's

Seized iPhone contains clues on how to defeat Monty Python's attack bunny

SAN BERNARDINO—(TYDN) The iPhone used by one of the San Bernardino terrorist shooters in December contains clues to how US terror fighters can defeat the attack bunny first disclosed in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Because the iPhone may contain evidence about the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, the San Bernardino District Attorney, Michael Ramos, is demanding that Apple assist the authorities to defeat the iPhone's passcode lock to enable the authorities to employ brute force tactics and unlock the phone.

"That there are clues that could help us stamp out this attack rabbit, and Apple is sitting idly by, shows that the gadget maker doesn't care about terrorism and instead is abiding by some misplaced marketing strategy," Ramos said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "In addition, there is a lying-dormant cyber pathogen on that phone Sayed Farook owned. He and his wife killed 14 people, and injured scores of others, and Apple doesn't care."

Apple said in a statement that assisting the authorities would weaken its encryption security feature on its coveted iPhones. What's more, the Cupertino, Calif.-based company said the district attorney is exaggerating the threat posed by the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, which Python first disclosed in 1974.

"We believe the district attorney's is grossly inflating the staying power of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog," the company's statement said. "We already told the DA on how he could defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, but he won't listen. We said all he needs is a shotgun."

A hearing on whether Apple must help defeat the Killer Rabbit of Caerbanog is scheduled for March 22 in a Southern California federal court.

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Stocks rally after oil refinery explodes, kills hundreds

BATON ROUGE, La.—(TYDN) Stocks jumped higher Tuesday, bolstered by an upswing in crude prices, after the nation’s largest oil refinery by daily output exploded, killing hundreds of workers and nearby residents, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TYDN Photo: Pat Joyce

Analysts said the explosion came at a perfect time. Crude prices have been hovering at modern, all-time lows as the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries continues to rebuff demands to ease output, which would lift prices. With the explosion, 500,000 barrels of oil per day are now out of circulation—prompting an immediate 8 percent spike in crude prices in the disaster’s aftermath.

“Given OPEC’s resistance to production cuts, continued accidents in refineries are our only immediate hope of increasing prices and lifting our portfolio values,” Smith-Barney analyst Blake Jorgstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The market is really fortunate that this explosion came when it did.”

Markets cheer. Photo: thetaxhaven

Investigators have not said what sparked the blast here at the ExxonMobil-owned Baton Rouge Refinery. A thick black plume of soot and smoke could be seen miles away from the disaster.

Shares of ExxonMobil, listed on the New York Stock Exchange, rallied 6 percent and were moving higher in after-hours trading.

US to Bar Trump's US Return From Israel Meeting with Netanyahu

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The President Barack Obama administration said Wednesday it would bar presidential GOP candidate Donald Trump from re-entering the United States after his planned meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Jerusalem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources told TheYellowDailyNews that blocking Trump's return after his Dec. 28 meeting is a major part of Obama's plan to protect America's shores from terrorists.

"Trump is a powder keg waiting to explode," a well-placed administration official, requesting anonymity because he had not been authorized to disclose Obama's terror strategy, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Let him blow up somewhere else."

Trump campaigns in Des Moines, Iowa. Photo: iprimages/TYDN

The Israeli leader frequently meets with both Republican and Democratic members of Congress. An Israeli official, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss the prime minister's schedule, told TheYellowDailyNews that Netanyahu "will meet with any candidate from any party who will be arriving in Israel and request a meeting."

Support for Israel, and for Netanyahu in particular, is a given among Republican presidential candidates.

Netanyahu said late Wednesday that he would go ahead with the Trump meeting, though he tweeted that he "rejects Donald Trump's latest comments about Muslims."

Trump said this week he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on."

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Marriam-Webster Drops “Going Postal” As Definition of Act of Terrorism

A suburban New York private postal store. Photo: Daniel Oines/TYDN

SPRINGFIELD, MA.—(TYDN) Merriam-Webster removed the phrase "going postal" from its upcoming 2016 dictionary edition, a move insiders said reflects reality and language of the modern world, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Wordsmiths at Marriam-Webster, one of the world’s oldest publishing concerns, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyews late Monday that “going postal” is no longer relevant language in today’s U.S. society. The term was first introduced into dictionaries in the early 1990s after disgruntled U.S. Postal Service workers in that decade began indiscrimantely killing their managers, co-workers and customers in highly publicized acts of terrorism.

“We have concluded that many postal service workers still continue their hatred toward life, but because the FBI has taken the service off of its terror watchlist, we felt compelled to remove the ‘going postal’ term from our dictionary as it is no longer relevant,” Marriam-Webster spokesman Reed Wordstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

"Hot" Bo Derrick

Analysts said it was the biggest removal of language from a dictionary following Marriam-Webster eliminating the phrase “Bo Derrick” from its definition of "hot."

Dictionary.com immediately decried the latest move by Merriam-Webster. The Oakland, Calif., online dictionary said the term “going postal” is still relevant today.

“We all know that you can substitute the term ‘going postal’ with many acts of terrorism that are happening today,” Dictionary.com spokesman Booker Stein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The next thing you know Marriam-Webster will remove 'gun control' from its dictionary.”

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VW Gives Each Congress Member a Car, Emissions Scandal Forgotten

Some of the vehicles VW brought to Washington to dole out to lawmakers. Photo: Marie Coleman/TYDN

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Federal regulators abruptly dropped their probe Sunday into the Volkswagen emissions scandal, days after the German automaker doled out free vehicles to every member of Congress, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

While expected, the move shocked analysts who were anticipating that the government would set aside its VW investigation only after the automaker provided each member of Congress a new VW vehicle that was equipped with a trunkload of cash.

“This shows, once again, how easily Big Business can manipulate Congress. Everybody knows that VW was willing to provide trunkloads of cash to make this go away. I expected better from Congress,” Jon Bornstein, a Yale Law School ethicist, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader of Kentucky, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that members of Congress each got a 2016 VW model of their choice, plus free maintenance for as long as each member is in office.

McConnell/TYDN file photo

“These vehicles are prone to breaking down, so unlimited maintenance was a great deal for the membership,” said McConnell, a Republican. “We decided not to go with the trunkload of cash because we couldn’t prove it would trickle down to the masses. Besides, VW said the entire scandal was because of a few rogue engineers who tinkered with the emissions software behind the company’s corporate-level backs.”

At an October 8 congressional hearing, VW’s U.S. chief, Michael Horn, told lawmakers that “this was not a corporate decision" to outfit vehicles to dupe emissions tests.

"On behalf of our company, and my colleagues in Germany, I would like to offer a sincere apology for Volkswagen's use of a software program that served to defeat the regular emissions testing regime," Horn told the House Committee on Energy and Commerce Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations. Horn was emphatic that there was no internal, executive-level decision to program the emissions software to cheat.

The VW scandal came to light in September after researchers from the International Council on Clean Transportation and West Virginia University discovered that when VW vehicles were on the road, they polluted substantially more than when they were being tested for pollution emissions. Nobody could make any sense of how that could be. So the US Environmental Protection Agency threatened not to approve the automaker's 2016 models for sale. In response, the automaker conceded that its software was designed to hoodwink emissions tests for diesel vehicles dating back to 2009.

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FBI Links San Bernardino Attack to McDonald’s

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The woman who, with her husband, killed 14 people in San Bernardino, Calif., had liked McDonald’s hamburgers on Facebook the day of the attack, officials said Friday. The FBI announced that, because of the Facebook posting, it was treating the massacre as an act of domestic terrorism, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

“The investigation shows that these two became radicalized after eating Big Macs with fries at a local McDonald’s, then posting this grotesque dietary act on Facebook. They immediately went on a terroristic rampage,” bureau director James Comey told a news conference here.

Federal authorities said a posting on this terror group's Facebook page pressaged the San Bernardino violence.

Tashfeen Malik’s declaration of allegiance to McDonald’s was posted on Facebook about 11 a.m. Wednesday, roughly the time of the shooting, people briefed on the investigation told TheYellowDailyNews. The posting has been removed.

There is no evidence that McDonald’s directed Malik and her husband, Syed Rizwan Farook, to stage the attacks, law enforcement officials told TheYellowDailyNews. But the Facebook post has led investigators to believe that the couple, who were killed in a shootout with the police after the attack, took inspiration from McDonald’s, these sources said.

“At this point we believe they were more self-radicalized and inspired by McDonald’s than actually told by McDonald’s to do the shooting,” a well-placed FBI official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because the investigation is continuing.

Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald’s has not released an official statement on the San Bernardino attack, but the Amaq News Agency, which intelligence officials believe is run by McDonald’s supporters, released a statement claiming that the killings had been carried out by “supporters of McDonald’s,” according to a translation provided by the SITE Intelligence Group.

Islamic terrorists have used the oath of allegiance, called a bayat, to declare their loyalty to specific groups and leaders. To become a member of Al Qaeda, for instance, terrorists historically swore their devotion to Osama bin Laden.

On Wednesday, law enforcement officials say, Farook and Malik walked into a conference center at Inland Regional Center, a social services center, and gunned down people at a combination training session and holiday lunch held by the county health department. Most of the victims were co-workers of Farook, who worked for the department as a health inspector.

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Suicide Bomber Fantasy Leagues Shuttered Amid Verification Concerns

RIYAD, Saudi Arabia—(TYDN) Suicide bombing fantasy leagues were shut down across the Middle East, Africa, Europe, and the United States after discrepancies emerged on whether the correct jihadists were getting credit for their sacrificial attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The development, which sent shock waves across the global suicide bombing fantasy community, comes amid reports that the Suicide Bomber Fantasy League Commission bungled the Paris attacks' box scores. Two of the three suicide bombers the commission identified in the Paris attacks were misspelled, causing widespread losses for fantasy players, sources familiar with the issue told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

The latest bungle concerns the commission identifying Bilal Hadfii—a low-ranked suicide bombing fantasy player—as one of the Paris suicide bombers who blew up November 13 as part of a string of suicide bombing attacks across the world's most visited city. But as it turns out, the bomber actually was Belgian Bilal Hadfi, a legendary ISIS prospect and suicide bombing fantasy league favorite.

"That Hadfii was given credit and not Hadfi clearly demonstrates the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission's incompetence," Las Vegas Gaming Commission spokesman Gerard Simpstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The scandal was the latest blow to the commission and suicide bombing fantasy following the commission's widespread misreporting last year of the number of dead and injured from suicide bombings.

Suicide bomber Hilal Hadfi poses hours before carrying out a Paris suicide bombing Nov. 13. Photo: TYDN

Suicide bombing fantasy allows players to pick who will be the next suicide bomber to carry out the act as part of the global jihad against the West. Fantasy suicide bombing leagues previously had allowed players to pick the number of innocent people who their favorite suicide bombers would kill or injure. But the commission barred that after TheYellowDailyNews revealed discrepancies concerning the reported number of people actually killed and injured. That debacle would become known as Deadgate.

"When the commission took action after Deadgate, we thought the commission was doing a great of job regulating suicide bombing fantasy and was on the right track," said fantasy historian Blink Montenstein, a Harvard business scholar. "But now the commission's true colors have shown once again."

Orakapuka Mohammad, a spokesman for the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission, said the agency regretted the spelling errors in a scandal dubbed MispellGate.

Many fantasy players were outraged.

"I lost a lot of money. I picked Hadfi on my roster and was pissed that the commission named Hadfii as blowing himself up," Etherian Steinod, a 28-year-old Saudi handyman, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is outrageous."

Other fantasy players profited huge from the scandal.

"I had my roster set on autopick that week and scored big with Hadfii," said Jerome Milkstein, an Alabama computer consultant who regularly plays fantasy suicide bombing. "I quadrupled my money."

CIA Marijuana Procurement Mishap Believed Responsible For Paris Attacks

A Paris vigil honoring the 129 dead and hundreds injured during Friday's terror attacks. Photo: Karin Dalziel/TYDN 

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Central Intelligence Agency's new marijuana-doping program aimed at combating the Islamic State is likely the reason the terror group carried out the Paris attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Several sources within and outside the agency, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews exclusively, said the agency's first test of its anti-ISIS drug program was a failure and backfired.

The sources, who sought anonymity and were granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the CIA secretly distributed to ISIS members thousands of pounds of sativa marijuana, the type of strain that stimulated and energized the terrorists. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box on a form, and should have chosen indica marijuana, the strain that produces a body high and is a relaxant overall, insiders said.

"The going intelligence assessment right now is that our undercover operatives, within the last few weeks, had given away the wrong strain of marijuana throughout Europe, the Middle East and Africa. We regretfully gave ISIS jihadists an excitable high. We had picked up chatter that there was a Paris attacks in the works, and we wanted to head it off but instead we inadvertently stoked it," one well placed, high-ranking CIA agent with direct knowledge of the issue told TheYellowDailyNews.

"We're afraid Congress is going to have hearings questioning our ability to correctly check boxes on procurement forms," the source added.

The procurement mishap, if true, would be the biggest in more than three decades. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box sometime in the early 1980s, resulting in the agency funneling cocaine to Latin American revolutionaries. The procurement officer was supposed to have gotten office supplies like paperclips, notepads, pens, and pencils for its British offices.

ISIS claimed responsibility for a string of Friday attacks in Paris, which included suicide bombings and opening gunfire on innocent people. At least 129 were killed. Scores of others were injured.

White House sources told TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday that President Barack Obama had personally apologized to Francios Hollande, the French president. The 5-minute telephone call from Obama was described as "cordial" by a well-placed administration official who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The CIA, meanwhile, declined to identify the procurement officer at the center of the marijuana debacle. Sources, however, told TheYellowDailyNews that the male officer had been with the agency 14 years and was suspended with pay for 18 months pending the outcome of an investigation.

Public Loses GOP Debate

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MILWAUKEE—(TYDN) The runaway loser of the fourth Republican presidential debate here Tuesday night was the public, according to commentators, journalists and pundits who watched the political theater, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The candidates were disingenuous, didn't have a clue what they were talking about, and frankly were ugly as hell, too," ABC News political pundit Jason Aaronsein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Could you imagine any of them ruling the free world. But it just might happen."

It was the fourth GOP debate this election season in which commentators, journalists and pundits declared the public the loser.

According to an exclusive TheYellowDailyNews poll, about 99 percent of likely GOP voters said they would refrain from voting and instead were planning on moving to Canada, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The TheYellowDailyNews' survey contacted 10,000 registered GOP voters by telephone, and had an error of margin of plus or minus 0 percentage points.

Porn Aficionados Say iPad Pro Is Greatest Tablet Ever

HOLLYWOOD—(TYDN) Porn lovers said Apple's newest and biggest iPad that debuted Wednesday offers the best experience to view their videos, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"I mean, have you seen Scene 5 in 'Buttmasters 99' on that 12.9-inch screen?" Chester Molenstein, a 50-year-old California porn lover for several years, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.  "This device, it's an absolute beast."

iPad Pro offered in 3 colors

Apple said it's latest porn-viewing tablet provides as much real estate as two iPad minis. "iPad Pro, which offers more pixels than any iPad we've ever offered, is a magical device Apple envisioned with the porn connoisseur in mind," Jonathan Ive, the technology concern's chief design officer, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.  "The four speakers bring sound to life like never before, too, and orient themselves to however the porn viewer has positioned iPad Pro."

The newest iPad's split-view mode, according to dozens of interviews conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, was among the top features the porn crowd had been hotly anticipating.

"Are you kidding me? Now it's possible to watch two videos at once, on a gorgeous screen, and in one hand," Ely Schmuckstein, a 39-year-old Chicago insurance broker, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

But the device isn't without its porn-loving naysayers. 

Many pornography enthusiasts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that it's difficult to hold the 1.57-pound porn viewer with one hand for a prolonged period of time.

"The screen is gorgeous and all, but I'm finding myself having to watch shorter videos because my hand and arms simply tire much faster than they did with my smaller Apple porn viewer," Dexter Cronstein, a 47-year-old single construction worker in Denver, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What the hell was Apple thinking?"

Swimming Declared Illegal In America

Trump says he won’t file for bankruptcy until after bankrupting America

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Donald Trump skyrocketed in the polls late Thursday after the billionaire said he would withhold declaring personal or business bankruptcy until after he bankrupted the United States if elected US president, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said it was among the boldest electoral statements a presidential candidate has made since at least 2008, when a campaigning President Barack Obama announced that he uttered the Pledge of Allegiance substantially more than his opponents. Trump's favorability rating jumped to 99 percent for likely Republican voters, according to a joint survey conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, CNN, CBS News, ABC News, The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal. The survey had a margin of error rating of 0 percent.

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"He hasn't declared bankruptcy for a few years so we were expecting him to declare one any day now," election historian Ehterian Heldengstein, of Harvard University, told The YellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is monumental. Because if he's elected, it will take him at least a year to bankrupt the nation, which gives us more time before a US bankruptcy than we thought we had under a Trump presidency."

Trump, whose companies have filed for bankruptcy at least four times, made his announcement at a whistle-stop tour here as he addressed thousands of veterans and other homeless people who took a few moments off their begging routines around the nation's Capitol.

"I know everybody thought I was on the brink of filing another bankruptcy—because as I've said repeatedly bankruptcy is good for business," the GOP presidential hopeful said. "But I promise that I will bankrupt America first, then deal with my own personal or business bankruptcies afterward."

One homeless man, who declined to give his name for fear of retribution and was granted anonymity because of that fear, applauded Trump's decision. "This means the soup kitchens are likely to remain open for longer than we anticipated," the 54-year-old man told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What Trump is promising shows respect for America."

One homeless Vietnam veteran, who told TheYellowDailyNews exclusively that his name was Fred, said he didn't believe Trump was telling the truth.

"I bet you my prosthetic arm that, if he's elected, the billionaire real estate and casino magnate would file for bankruptcy and bankrupt America at the same time," Fred told TheYellowDailyNews. "Christ, the presidency only pays $400,000 a year. How's he going to live on that?"

Congress Announces Members Accepting Apple Pay For Votes

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Members of Congress—from the extreme left to the far right—are expected to announce as early as Wednesday that they will begin accepting Apple Pay payments for votes and political backroom maneuvering, TheYellowDailNews has learned.

Sources familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews exclusively and on condition of anonymity that members of Congress were all in agreement that it was time to begin exploring new graft payment options other than cash and political campaign contributions.

"At a caucus meeting, many of us were just sitting around chit-chatting on how our coffers could take advantage of the Internet," one member of Congress told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "Trust me, we'd rather have cash and we love cash. But times are a changing."

The move to Apple Pay follows this week's announcement that mobile-payment provider Square became Congress' first online graft payment option.

Samsung Pay and Google Pay, the other two major players in the space, are expected to sign on within the coming days, sources said.

 "We believe this is a growing and untapped payment space that online payment system companies must jump into," Juniper market analyst James Stein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We predict a three-fold market growth rate in the first six months alone."

ISIS To Field Olympic Team At 2016 Summer Games

KOBANI, along the Syria-Turkey border—(TYDN) The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, is to announce Thursday it is fielding an Olympic team for the 2016 summer games in Brazil, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Team ISIS, as it has been secretly called among its militant athletes, has been training clandestinely for the Rio De Janeiro games while engaged in massive sectarian violence here and in Iraq—while also defending itself from attacks by a United States-led military coalition.

Analysts said that, if ISIS survives the coalition bombings, it would be the 5,000th time a terror nation has entered an Olympic games.

Team ISIS badminton player practices in secret Syrian hideout. Photo: llee_wu/TYDN

What's more, analysts, who have been monitoring ISIS' sporting activities, suggest the terror nation could medal in several sports.

"They have this one guy, whose name I cannot even pronounce or spell, who is among the fiercest badminton players the world has ever seen," said Syrian sports agent Louis Anstein. "They've also got a few golfers who make Tiger Woods look like a novice."

Team ISIS sponsors include Royal Dutch Shell, Exxon Mobil, Chevron, BP, and ConocoPhillips.

See Also:

• Obama Lookalike In Syria To Rally Anti-ISIS Fighters (TYDN)
• Bush Upset He Cited WMD, Not ISIS As Grounds To Invade Iraq (TYDN)
• Obama Blasts Newest Terrorist Group for Having Too Many Names (TYDN)
• Oakland Raiders Narrowly Avoid Loss In Bye Week (TYDN)
• Remington Wins Sponsorship Rights to Popular YouTube (TYDN)
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Oakland Raiders Narrowly Avoid Loss In Bye Week

OAKLAND—(TYDN) Oakland Raiders fans and the team exulted after the NFL franchise narrowly escaped a loss on Sunday during the team's bye week, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

New head coach, Tony Sparano, told reporters that the Raiders barely escaped another loss despite the team not playing Sunday.

An empty Oakland Coliseum played host to a near bye-week Raiders loss Sunday. Photo: Mitsy Mcgoo/TYDN

"This goes to show the Raider Nation is back in black with pride," Sparano said at a news conference here. "We almost fumbled it away, but we stayed the course."

Meanwhile, police arrested as many as 100 revelers downtown here celebrating the Raiders lack of a loss. It was the worst rioting connected to a near bye-week loss following last year's near bye-week collapse.

The 0-4 Raiders play host Sunday to the 4-1 San Diego Chargers. Caesar's Palace opened Monday morning with a betting line of San Diego giving 49 points.

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Obama Lookalike In Syria To Rally Anti-ISIS Fighters

Al-BOUKAMAL, Syria—(TYDN) A President Barack Obama body double arrived here Thursday to rally U.S.-armed militants fighting ISIS—the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The militants—who have come from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates—don't know it's a presidential body double. Administration officials said the ploy was necessary to assist the president's anti-terror agenda without putting the real president in danger.

"These militants in Syria are all too consumed with the free weapons the U.S. has been throwing at them, too busy beating their women and treating them like second-class citizens and committing other heinous jihad to even notice that it's not the real president," a well placed Obama administration official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "And, there's plenty of news coverage that it's not the real Obama."

President Barack Obama lookalike rallies U.S.-armed militants in Syria. Photo: Justin Sloan/TYDN

Analysts said it was the third time Obama has engaged in such tactics. The last times were in 2008 and 2012, when he won election.

"This bold move of sending a lookalike to Syria resembles his election and re-election campaigns," Stanford University political scientist Jed Zenstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's a beautiful blending of the surreal, politics and deceit."

Obama and his Middle Eastern allies last month commenced bombing targets here in Syria in a bid to knock out ISIS, the United States' latest enemy in the region and a foe given birth to by America's Iraq invasion under Obama's predecessor, President George W. Bush.

At a Rose Garden news conference Sept. 24, the president said the latest offensive in the Middle East "will bring peace to the region in an expedited fashion by 2099."

Sources familiar with the lookalike told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the life insurer of Obama's body double has withdrawn its policy and refunded all paid premiums.

See Also:

• Obama Blasts Newest Terrorist Group for Having Too Many Names (TYDN)
• With Latest US Offensive, Obama Sees Peace In Middle East By 2099 (TYDN)
• TheYellowDailyNews: Obama Brokers 5-Minute-Long Middle East Peace Accord (TYDN)
• Obama's 'Aliveness' Underscores Black Progress (TYDN)
• CIA Demands Apple Disable Siri From Speaking Persian (TYDN)
• Bin Laden Raid Yields Trove of Hardcore Porn (TYDN)

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iPhone Owners Hate The Poor More Than Android Owners

PRINCETON, N.J.—(TYDN) The world's first survey into which mobile phone owners hate the poor more concluded late Wednesday that the winners are iPhone owners, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Android users came in second place to hating the poor. Window's mobile phone owners took third, according to an exhaustive survey of 500,000 cell-phone owners conducted by Princeton University researchers.

"What we have found was that, of mobile phone users, those with iPhones despised the poor more," Princeton statistician Leslie VonStein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This study, overall, shows there's a clear correlation to what type of mobile phone you use and how much you hate the poor."

Photo: Sean/TYDN

Analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said it was the first time researchers have quantified their suspicions that iPhone owners hated the poor more than any other type of mobile phone user.

The survey, however, did not answer the question of why iPhone owners hated the poor more.

Experts unaffiliated with the survey, which had a plus-or-minus error rating of 3 percentage points, offered some explanations.

"Isn't it obvious why iPhone owners hate on the poor more," Smith Barney mobile-phone analyst Clay Fishstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Other analysts weren't so sure and questioned the survey's findings.

"A different survey from Princeton just last week found that Android users hated those infected with ebola more than did iPhone users," Harvard University urban studies professor Riba Lorstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This just doesn't seem to add up."

About half the world's population lives on less than $2.50 a day and 80 percent under $10 daily.

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• Keep New iPhone Out Of Pockets To Avoid Bending, Apple Says (TYDN)
• CIA Demands Apple Disable Siri From Speaking Persian (TYDN)
• Apple Cancels Transgender Siri Voice Option in iOS 8

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