Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Stocks rally after oil refinery explodes, kills hundreds


BATON ROUGE, La.—(TYDN) Stocks jumped higher Tuesday, bolstered by an upswing in crude prices, after the nation’s largest oil refinery by daily output exploded, killing hundreds of workers and nearby residents, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
TYDN Photo: Pat Joyce

Analysts said the explosion came at a perfect time. Crude prices have been hovering at modern, all-time lows as the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries continues to rebuff demands to ease output, which would lift prices. With the explosion, 500,000 barrels of oil per day are now out of circulation—prompting an immediate 8 percent spike in crude prices in the disaster’s aftermath.

“Given OPEC’s resistance to production cuts, continued accidents in refineries are our only immediate hope of increasing prices and lifting our portfolio values,” Smith-Barney analyst Blake Jorgstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The market is really fortunate that this explosion came when it did.”

Markets cheer. Photo: thetaxhaven
Investigators have not said what sparked the blast here at the ExxonMobil-owned Baton Rouge Refinery. A thick black plume of soot and smoke could be seen miles away from the disaster.

Shares of ExxonMobil, listed on the New York Stock Exchange, rallied 6 percent and were moving higher in after-hours trading.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

US to Bar Trump's US Return From Israel Meeting with Netanyahu

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The President Barack Obama administration said Wednesday it would bar presidential GOP candidate Donald Trump from re-entering the United States after his planned meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Jerusalem, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources told TheYellowDailyNews that blocking Trump's return after his Dec. 28 meeting is a major part of Obama's plan to protect America's shores from terrorists.

"Trump is a powder keg waiting to explode," a well-placed administration official, requesting anonymity because he had not been authorized to disclose Obama's terror strategy, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Let him blow up somewhere else."

Trump campaigns in Des Moines, Iowa. Photo: iprimages/TYDN
The Israeli leader frequently meets with both Republican and Democratic members of Congress. An Israeli official, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss the prime minister's schedule, told TheYellowDailyNews that Netanyahu "will meet with any candidate from any party who will be arriving in Israel and request a meeting."

Support for Israel, and for Netanyahu in particular, is a given among Republican presidential candidates.

Netanyahu said late Wednesday that he would go ahead with the Trump meeting, though he tweeted that he "rejects Donald Trump's latest comments about Muslims."

Trump said this week he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on."

More from TheYellowDailyNews:

Monday, December 7, 2015

Marriam-Webster Drops “Going Postal” As Definition of Act of Terrorism


A suburban New York private postal store. Photo: Daniel Oines/TYDN
SPRINGFIELD, MA.—(TYDN) Merriam-Webster removed the phrase "going postal" from its upcoming 2016 dictionary edition, a move insiders said reflects reality and language of the modern world, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Wordsmiths at Marriam-Webster, one of the world’s oldest publishing concerns, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyews late Monday that “going postal” is no longer relevant language in today’s U.S. society. The term was first introduced into dictionaries in the early 1990s after disgruntled U.S. Postal Service workers in that decade began indiscrimantely killing their managers, co-workers and customers in highly publicized acts of terrorism.

“We have concluded that many postal service workers still continue their hatred toward life, but because the FBI has taken the service off of its terror watchlist, we felt compelled to remove the ‘going postal’ term from our dictionary as it is no longer relevant,” Marriam-Webster spokesman Reed Wordstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

"Hot" Bo Derrick
Analysts said it was the biggest removal of language from a dictionary following Marriam-Webster eliminating the phrase “Bo Derrick” from its definition of "hot."

Dictionary.com immediately decried the latest move by Merriam-Webster. The Oakland, Calif., online dictionary said the term “going postal” is still relevant today.

“We all know that you can substitute the term ‘going postal’ with many acts of terrorism that are happening today,” Dictionary.com spokesman Booker Stein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “The next thing you know Marriam-Webster will remove 'gun control' from its dictionary.”

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Sunday, December 6, 2015

VW Gives Each Congress Member a Car, Emissions Scandal Forgotten

Some of the vehicles VW brought to Washington to dole out to lawmakers. Photo: Marie Coleman/TYDN
WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Federal regulators abruptly dropped their probe Sunday into the Volkswagen emissions scandal, days after the German automaker doled out free vehicles to every member of Congress, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

While expected, the move shocked analysts who were anticipating that the government would set aside its VW investigation only after the automaker provided each member of Congress a new VW vehicle that was equipped with a trunkload of cash.

“This shows, once again, how easily Big Business can manipulate Congress. Everybody knows that VW was willing to provide trunkloads of cash to make this go away. I expected better from Congress,” Jon Bornstein, a Yale Law School ethicist, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader of Kentucky, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that members of Congress each got a 2016 VW model of their choice, plus free maintenance for as long as each member is in office.
McConnell/TYDN file photo

“These vehicles are prone to breaking down, so unlimited maintenance was a great deal for the membership,” said McConnell, a Republican. “We decided not to go with the trunkload of cash because we couldn’t prove it would trickle down to the masses. Besides, VW said the entire scandal was because of a few rogue engineers who tinkered with the emissions software behind the company’s corporate-level backs.”

At an October 8 congressional hearing, VW’s U.S. chief, Michael Horn, told lawmakers that “this was not a corporate decision" to outfit vehicles to dupe emissions tests.

"On behalf of our company, and my colleagues in Germany, I would like to offer a sincere apology for Volkswagen's use of a software program that served to defeat the regular emissions testing regime," Horn told the House Committee on Energy and Commerce Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations. Horn was emphatic that there was no internal, executive-level decision to program the emissions software to cheat.

The VW scandal came to light in September after researchers from the International Council on Clean Transportation and West Virginia University discovered that when VW vehicles were on the road, they polluted substantially more than when they were being tested for pollution emissions. Nobody could make any sense of how that could be. So the US Environmental Protection Agency threatened not to approve the automaker's 2016 models for sale. In response, the automaker conceded that its software was designed to hoodwink emissions tests for diesel vehicles dating back to 2009.

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Friday, December 4, 2015

FBI Links San Bernardino Attack to McDonald’s

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The woman who, with her husband, killed 14 people in San Bernardino, Calif., had liked McDonald’s hamburgers on Facebook the day of the attack, officials said Friday. The FBI announced that, because of the Facebook posting, it was treating the massacre as an act of domestic terrorism, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

“The investigation shows that these two became radicalized after eating Big Macs with fries at a local McDonald’s, then posting this grotesque dietary act on Facebook. They immediately went on a terroristic rampage,” bureau director James Comey told a news conference here.

Federal authorities said a posting on this terror group's Facebook page pressaged the San Bernardino violence.

Tashfeen Malik’s declaration of allegiance to McDonald’s was posted on Facebook about 11 a.m. Wednesday, roughly the time of the shooting, people briefed on the investigation told TheYellowDailyNews. The posting has been removed.

There is no evidence that McDonald’s directed Malik and her husband, Syed Rizwan Farook, to stage the attacks, law enforcement officials told TheYellowDailyNews. But the Facebook post has led investigators to believe that the couple, who were killed in a shootout with the police after the attack, took inspiration from McDonald’s, these sources said.

“At this point we believe they were more self-radicalized and inspired by McDonald’s than actually told by McDonald’s to do the shooting,” a well-placed FBI official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because the investigation is continuing.

Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald’s has not released an official statement on the San Bernardino attack, but the Amaq News Agency, which intelligence officials believe is run by McDonald’s supporters, released a statement claiming that the killings had been carried out by “supporters of McDonald’s,” according to a translation provided by the SITE Intelligence Group.

Islamic terrorists have used the oath of allegiance, called a bayat, to declare their loyalty to specific groups and leaders. To become a member of Al Qaeda, for instance, terrorists historically swore their devotion to Osama bin Laden.

On Wednesday, law enforcement officials say, Farook and Malik walked into a conference center at Inland Regional Center, a social services center, and gunned down people at a combination training session and holiday lunch held by the county health department. Most of the victims were co-workers of Farook, who worked for the department as a health inspector.

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Suicide Bomber Fantasy Leagues Shuttered Amid Verification Concerns

RIYAD, Saudi Arabia—(TYDN) Suicide bombing fantasy leagues were shut down across the Middle East, Africa, Europe, and the United States after discrepancies emerged on whether the correct jihadists were getting credit for their sacrificial attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The development, which sent shock waves across the global suicide bombing fantasy community, comes amid reports that the Suicide Bomber Fantasy League Commission bungled the Paris attacks' box scores. Two of the three suicide bombers the commission identified in the Paris attacks were misspelled, causing widespread losses for fantasy players, sources familiar with the issue told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

The latest bungle concerns the commission identifying Bilal Hadfii—a low-ranked suicide bombing fantasy player—as one of the Paris suicide bombers who blew up November 13 as part of a string of suicide bombing attacks across the world's most visited city. But as it turns out, the bomber actually was Belgian Bilal Hadfi, a legendary ISIS prospect and suicide bombing fantasy league favorite.

"That Hadfii was given credit and not Hadfi clearly demonstrates the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission's incompetence," Las Vegas Gaming Commission spokesman Gerard Simpstein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The scandal was the latest blow to the commission and suicide bombing fantasy following the commission's widespread misreporting last year of the number of dead and injured from suicide bombings.

Suicide bomber Hilal Hadfi poses hours before carrying out a Paris suicide bombing Nov. 13. Photo: TYDN
Suicide bombing fantasy allows players to pick who will be the next suicide bomber to carry out the act as part of the global jihad against the West. Fantasy suicide bombing leagues previously had allowed players to pick the number of innocent people who their favorite suicide bombers would kill or injure. But the commission barred that after TheYellowDailyNews revealed discrepancies concerning the reported number of people actually killed and injured. That debacle would become known as Deadgate.

"When the commission took action after Deadgate, we thought the commission was doing a great of job regulating suicide bombing fantasy and was on the right track," said fantasy historian Blink Montenstein, a Harvard business scholar. "But now the commission's true colors have shown once again."

Orakapuka Mohammad, a spokesman for the Suicide Bomber Fantasy Commission, said the agency regretted the spelling errors in a scandal dubbed MispellGate.

Many fantasy players were outraged.

"I lost a lot of money. I picked Hadfi on my roster and was pissed that the commission named Hadfii as blowing himself up," Etherian Steinod, a 28-year-old Saudi handyman, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is outrageous."

Other fantasy players profited huge from the scandal.

"I had my roster set on autopick that week and scored big with Hadfii," said Jerome Milkstein, an Alabama computer consultant who regularly plays fantasy suicide bombing. "I quadrupled my money."

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

CIA Marijuana Procurement Mishap Believed Responsible For Paris Attacks

A Paris vigil honoring the 129 dead and hundreds injured during Friday's terror attacks. Photo: Karin Dalziel/TYDN 
WASHINGTON—(TYDN) The Central Intelligence Agency's new marijuana-doping program aimed at combating the Islamic State is likely the reason the terror group carried out the Paris attacks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Several sources within and outside the agency, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews exclusively, said the agency's first test of its anti-ISIS drug program was a failure and backfired.

The sources, who sought anonymity and were granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the CIA secretly distributed to ISIS members thousands of pounds of sativa marijuana, the type of strain that stimulated and energized the terrorists. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box on a form, and should have chosen indica marijuana, the strain that produces a body high and is a relaxant overall, insiders said.

"The going intelligence assessment right now is that our undercover operatives, within the last few weeks, had given away the wrong strain of marijuana throughout Europe, the Middle East and Africa. We regretfully gave ISIS jihadists an excitable high. We had picked up chatter that there was a Paris attacks in the works, and we wanted to head it off but instead we inadvertently stoked it," one well placed, high-ranking CIA agent with direct knowledge of the issue told TheYellowDailyNews.

"We're afraid Congress is going to have hearings questioning our ability to correctly check boxes on procurement forms," the source added.

The procurement mishap, if true, would be the biggest in more than three decades. A CIA procurement officer checked the wrong box sometime in the early 1980s, resulting in the agency funneling cocaine to Latin American revolutionaries. The procurement officer was supposed to have gotten office supplies like paperclips, notepads, pens, and pencils for its British offices.

ISIS claimed responsibility for a string of Friday attacks in Paris, which included suicide bombings and opening gunfire on innocent people. At least 129 were killed. Scores of others were injured.

White House sources told TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday that President Barack Obama had personally apologized to Francios Hollande, the French president. The 5-minute telephone call from Obama was described as "cordial" by a well-placed administration official who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The CIA, meanwhile, declined to identify the procurement officer at the center of the marijuana debacle. Sources, however, told TheYellowDailyNews that the male officer had been with the agency 14 years and was suspended with pay for 18 months pending the outcome of an investigation.




Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Public Loses GOP Debate

YouTube/TYDN
MILWAUKEE—(TYDN) The runaway loser of the fourth Republican presidential debate here Tuesday night was the public, according to commentators, journalists and pundits who watched the political theater, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The candidates were disingenuous, didn't have a clue what they were talking about, and frankly were ugly as hell, too," ABC News political pundit Jason Aaronsein told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Could you imagine any of them ruling the free world. But it just might happen."

It was the fourth GOP debate this election season in which commentators, journalists and pundits declared the public the loser.

According to an exclusive TheYellowDailyNews poll, about 99 percent of likely GOP voters said they would refrain from voting and instead were planning on moving to Canada, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The TheYellowDailyNews' survey contacted 10,000 registered GOP voters by telephone, and had an error of margin of plus or minus 0 percentage points.


Porn Aficionados Say iPad Pro Is Greatest Tablet Ever

HOLLYWOOD—(TYDN) Porn lovers said Apple's newest and biggest iPad that debuted Wednesday offers the best experience to view their videos, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"I mean, have you seen Scene 5 in 'Buttmasters 99' on that 12.9-inch screen?" Chester Molenstein, a 50-year-old California porn lover for several years, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.  "This device, it's an absolute beast."
iPad Pro offered in 3 colors

Apple said it's latest porn-viewing tablet provides as much real estate as two iPad minis. "iPad Pro, which offers more pixels than any iPad we've ever offered, is a magical device Apple envisioned with the porn connoisseur in mind," Jonathan Ive, the technology concern's chief design officer, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.  "The four speakers bring sound to life like never before, too, and orient themselves to however the porn viewer has positioned iPad Pro."

The newest iPad's split-view mode, according to dozens of interviews conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, was among the top features the porn crowd had been hotly anticipating.

"Are you kidding me? Now it's possible to watch two videos at once, on a gorgeous screen, and in one hand," Ely Schmuckstein, a 39-year-old Chicago insurance broker, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

But the device isn't without its porn-loving naysayers. 

Many pornography enthusiasts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that it's difficult to hold the 1.57-pound porn viewer with one hand for a prolonged period of time.

"The screen is gorgeous and all, but I'm finding myself having to watch shorter videos because my hand and arms simply tire much faster than they did with my smaller Apple porn viewer," Dexter Cronstein, a 47-year-old single construction worker in Denver, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What the hell was Apple thinking?"

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Trump says he won’t file for bankruptcy until after bankrupting America

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Donald Trump skyrocketed in the polls late Thursday after the billionaire said he would withhold declaring personal or business bankruptcy until after he bankrupted the United States if elected US president, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said it was among the boldest electoral statements a presidential candidate has made since at least 2008, when a campaigning President Barack Obama announced that he uttered the Pledge of Allegiance substantially more than his opponents. Trump's favorability rating jumped to 99 percent for likely Republican voters, according to a joint survey conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, CNN, CBS News, ABC News, The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal. The survey had a margin of error rating of 0 percent.

KAZVorpal/TYDN
"He hasn't declared bankruptcy for a few years so we were expecting him to declare one any day now," election historian Ehterian Heldengstein, of Harvard University, told The YellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "This is monumental. Because if he's elected, it will take him at least a year to bankrupt the nation, which gives us more time before a US bankruptcy than we thought we had under a Trump presidency."

Trump, whose companies have filed for bankruptcy at least four times, made his announcement at a whistle-stop tour here as he addressed thousands of veterans and other homeless people who took a few moments off their begging routines around the nation's Capitol.

"I know everybody thought I was on the brink of filing another bankruptcy—because as I've said repeatedly bankruptcy is good for business," the GOP presidential hopeful said. "But I promise that I will bankrupt America first, then deal with my own personal or business bankruptcies afterward."

One homeless man, who declined to give his name for fear of retribution and was granted anonymity because of that fear, applauded Trump's decision. "This means the soup kitchens are likely to remain open for longer than we anticipated," the 54-year-old man told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "What Trump is promising shows respect for America."

One homeless Vietnam veteran, who told TheYellowDailyNews exclusively that his name was Fred, said he didn't believe Trump was telling the truth.

"I bet you my prosthetic arm that, if he's elected, the billionaire real estate and casino magnate would file for bankruptcy and bankrupt America at the same time," Fred told TheYellowDailyNews. "Christ, the presidency only pays $400,000 a year. How's he going to live on that?"

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Congress Announces Members Accepting Apple Pay For Votes

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Members of Congress—from the extreme left to the far right—are expected to announce as early as Wednesday that they will begin accepting Apple Pay payments for votes and political backroom maneuvering, TheYellowDailNews has learned.

Sources familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews exclusively and on condition of anonymity that members of Congress were all in agreement that it was time to begin exploring new graft payment options other than cash and political campaign contributions.

"At a caucus meeting, many of us were just sitting around chit-chatting on how our coffers could take advantage of the Internet," one member of Congress told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "Trust me, we'd rather have cash and we love cash. But times are a changing."

The move to Apple Pay follows this week's announcement that mobile-payment provider Square became Congress' first online graft payment option.

Samsung Pay and Google Pay, the other two major players in the space, are expected to sign on within the coming days, sources said.

 "We believe this is a growing and untapped payment space that online payment system companies must jump into," Juniper market analyst James Stein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We predict a three-fold market growth rate in the first six months alone."

Thursday, October 9, 2014

ISIS To Field Olympic Team At 2016 Summer Games

KOBANI, along the Syria-Turkey border—(TYDN) The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, is to announce Thursday it is fielding an Olympic team for the 2016 summer games in Brazil, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Team ISIS, as it has been secretly called among its militant athletes, has been training clandestinely for the Rio De Janeiro games while engaged in massive sectarian violence here and in Iraq—while also defending itself from attacks by a United States-led military coalition.

Analysts said that, if ISIS survives the coalition bombings, it would be the 5,000th time a terror nation has entered an Olympic games.

Team ISIS badminton player practices in secret Syrian hideout. Photo: llee_wu/TYDN
What's more, analysts, who have been monitoring ISIS' sporting activities, suggest the terror nation could medal in several sports.

"They have this one guy, whose name I cannot even pronounce or spell, who is among the fiercest badminton players the world has ever seen," said Syrian sports agent Louis Anstein. "They've also got a few golfers who make Tiger Woods look like a novice."

Team ISIS sponsors include Royal Dutch Shell, Exxon Mobil, Chevron, BP, and ConocoPhillips.

See Also:

Monday, October 6, 2014

Oakland Raiders Narrowly Avoid Loss In Bye Week

OAKLAND—(TYDN) Oakland Raiders fans and the team exulted after the NFL franchise narrowly escaped a loss on Sunday during the team's bye week, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

New head coach, Tony Sparano, told reporters that the Raiders barely escaped another loss despite the team not playing Sunday.

An empty Oakland Coliseum played host to a near bye-week Raiders loss Sunday. Photo: Mitsy Mcgoo/TYDN
"This goes to show the Raider Nation is back in black with pride," Sparano said at a news conference here. "We almost fumbled it away, but we stayed the course."

Meanwhile, police arrested as many as 100 revelers downtown here celebrating the Raiders lack of a loss. It was the worst rioting connected to a near bye-week loss following last year's near bye-week collapse.

The 0-4 Raiders play host Sunday to the 4-1 San Diego Chargers. Caesar's Palace opened Monday morning with a betting line of San Diego giving 49 points.

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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Obama Lookalike In Syria To Rally Anti-ISIS Fighters

Al-BOUKAMAL, Syria—(TYDN) A President Barack Obama body double arrived here Thursday to rally U.S.-armed militants fighting ISIS—the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The militants—who have come from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates—don't know it's a presidential body double. Administration officials said the ploy was necessary to assist the president's anti-terror agenda without putting the real president in danger.

"These militants in Syria are all too consumed with the free weapons the U.S. has been throwing at them, too busy beating their women and treating them like second-class citizens and committing other heinous jihad to even notice that it's not the real president," a well placed Obama administration official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic. "And, there's plenty of news coverage that it's not the real Obama."

President Barack Obama lookalike rallies U.S.-armed militants in Syria. Photo: Justin Sloan/TYDN
Analysts said it was the third time Obama has engaged in such tactics. The last times were in 2008 and 2012, when he won election.

"This bold move of sending a lookalike to Syria resembles his election and re-election campaigns," Stanford University political scientist Jed Zenstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's a beautiful blending of the surreal, politics and deceit."

Obama and his Middle Eastern allies last month commenced bombing targets here in Syria in a bid to knock out ISIS, the United States' latest enemy in the region and a foe given birth to by America's Iraq invasion under Obama's predecessor, President George W. Bush.

At a Rose Garden news conference Sept. 24, the president said the latest offensive in the Middle East "will bring peace to the region in an expedited fashion by 2099."

Sources familiar with the lookalike told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the life insurer of Obama's body double has withdrawn its policy and refunded all paid premiums.

See Also:

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

iPhone Owners Hate The Poor More Than Android Owners

PRINCETON, N.J.—(TYDN) The world's first survey into which mobile phone owners hate the poor more concluded late Wednesday that the winners are iPhone owners, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Android users came in second place to hating the poor. Window's mobile phone owners took third, according to an exhaustive survey of 500,000 cell-phone owners conducted by Princeton University researchers.

"What we have found was that, of mobile phone users, those with iPhones despised the poor more," Princeton statistician Leslie VonStein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This study, overall, shows there's a clear correlation to what type of mobile phone you use and how much you hate the poor."

Photo: Sean/TYDN
Analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said it was the first time researchers have quantified their suspicions that iPhone owners hated the poor more than any other type of mobile phone user.

The survey, however, did not answer the question of why iPhone owners hated the poor more.

Experts unaffiliated with the survey, which had a plus-or-minus error rating of 3 percentage points, offered some explanations.

"Isn't it obvious why iPhone owners hate on the poor more," Smith Barney mobile-phone analyst Clay Fishstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Other analysts weren't so sure and questioned the survey's findings.

"A different survey from Princeton just last week found that Android users hated those infected with ebola more than did iPhone users," Harvard University urban studies professor Riba Lorstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This just doesn't seem to add up."

About half the world's population lives on less than $2.50 a day and 80 percent under $10 daily.

See Also:

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Holder Replacement: GOP Wants Judges, Cabinet Members To Be Named Later

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) Senate Republican leaders are demanding five judgeships—and two cabinet members to be named later—to allow President Barack Obama to pick whomever he wishes to succeed Attorney General Eric Holder, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Holder announced his resignation last week, and the Senate confirmation process of Obama's successor has spiraled into contentiousness, with each political party seeking leverage, despite the president not even naming a replacement yet.

Photo: Chris Coleman/TYDN
"The back room horse trading happening here makes a day of stakes racing at Santa Anita look like child's play," one Republican strategist told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "It's all about the good of America. But make no mistake, if we don't get what we want, we'll do whatever we can to thwart Obama's AG pick."

Republicans say they are willing to allow a Senate confirmation to go ahead before January, despite the Nov. 4 midterm elections possibly giving Republicans nearly total control of the outcome. That will happen, however, only if Democrats who now control the Senate privately agree to approve five federal judgeships vetted by Republicans and two Republican-vetted cabinet members to be named later, according to operatives from both parties who have been briefed on the matter and who told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Democratic strategists were outraged over the demands.

"This is going to be the first real test, whether it's in the lame-duck or early in the new year, whether our Republican colleagues are going to continue to obstruct," a well-placed Democratic strategist told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Every president deserves to have his attorney general. Still, we might settle for three judgeships and one cabinet member to be named later."

Congressional leaders, meanwhile, said they hope to pass their first piece of legislation this year by year's end, according to well-placed operatives familiar with the matter who told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

See Also:

Monday, September 29, 2014

Local Man In Hot Water For Not Noticing Wife's Haircut

PHOENIX—(TYDN) A 37-year-old local man here was forced to sleep on the couch Sunday when his wife became angry he hadn't noticed a major revision to her hairdo for weeks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The man, a stone mason contractor, was under fire from his wife of eight years for not noticing that she had 2 feet cut off of her strawberry colored hair.

Analysts said it was the worst failure by Jared Jimstein of not noticing his wife since the year before, when she stopped wearing eyeglasses and got contact lenses. He discovered his wife no longer wore glasses when she asked him "what color were her eyes?" and he had to check.

In the latest debacle, which some analysts are dubbing hairdo-gate, Jimstein said he was enjoying his day off Sunday, relaxing and watching sports on his big-screen television.

"I mean, I was just sitting on the couch, having a few beers and some chips watching football, and she just started yelling at me for not noticing her new hairdo," Jimstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And when I told her I would discuss it with her at halftime, she went through the roof. What's up on that?"

His wife, Charlotte, a 35-year-old bookkeeper, could not be reached for comment.

Jared Jimstein is taking it in stride, however.

"I never realized how comfortable my couch was to sleep on," he said. "And I get to watch as much ESPN SportsCenter as I want without being nagged to turn it off or down."

Photo top by Brian Henry Thompson/TYDN. Bottom photo by Mary-Lynn/TYDN.

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Friday, September 26, 2014

Keep New iPhone Out Of Pockets To Avoid Bending, Apple Says

CUPERTINO, Calif.—(TYDN) Apple chief Tim Cook said Friday that the best method of protecting the iPhone 6 Plus from bending is to refrain from putting it in your pocket, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Cook, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, was responding to widespread hysteria that Apple's latest 5.5-inch iPhone bends when crammed into a back pants pocket or a skinny jeans pocket.

Photo: Martin Hajek/TYDN
"These devices were meant to look gorgeous and to function even more gorgeously," Cook said. "Putting it in your pocket hides this gorgeousness."

Analysts said it was the second time the Cupertino-based technology concern acknowledged a user-error problem with one of its flagship devices.

Dubbed by the blogosphere as "bend-gate" and "Bendghazi," the buzz harkens to 2010, during another Apple hysteria scare called "antenna-gate" with the iPhone 4.

Cook's predecessor,  Steve Jobs, at the time said the alleged reception problems with the then-best-selling gadget could be alleviated if users "speak slower, clearer and louder."

"People just need to learn to use the device in a certain way, to speak slower, clearer and louder," Jobs told TheYellowDailyNews in a 2010 exclusive interview. "The phone's users are its only design flaw."

Cook, following Jobs' footsteps, recommended a hack of sorts for iPhone 6 Plus users who must keep their new phones in the pocket.

Umpire models new iPhone 6 Plus carrying pockets. Photo: Corey Templeton/TYDN
"We recommend that these people, who wish to conceal the gorgeousness that the new iPhone is, purchase an umpire baseball bag. It straps to your belt and is big enough for a dozen baseballs," Cook said. "Apple branded umpire baseball bags are now available online and at Apple retail stores everywhere for just $129."

Cook's move is right out of the Steve Jobs playbook. Jobs, during "antenna-gate," told iPhone 4 users that if they were unable to use the phone "correctly," they could purchase a $25, 1-inch-long black strip of electrical tape to cover the lower left corner of the device to assist its reception.

Apple sold 10 million new iPhones last weekend when they debuted.

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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Derek Jeter "Over" Constant Farewell Tributes

NEW YORK—(TYDN) The soon-to-retire Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter said Thursday he had grown tired of what amounted to his 10,000th farewell tribute the night before here against the Orioles, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Jeter, who is playing his final and 20th Major League Baseball season, has been the subject of a tribute before each game this year, after each game, and whenever he comes to bat, makes a play, comes on to the field, leaves the field or spits on it. ESPN has aired at least 1,000 farewell specials of the 40-year-old's forthcoming retirement.

Photo: Wikipedia/TYDN
"Jesus Christ already," Jeter said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews after being honored with another tribute immediately after adjusting his jockstrap at the plate. "The tribute I got when I came out of the bathroom after I took a dump at Yankee Stadium was a little much. I'm kinda over this."

Fans and the media, however, can't get enough of the Jeter goodbyes. There's only a few more games left of the season and his career.

"That might have been his last dump as a pro baseball player, so we had to pay homage to that," ESPN analyst John Holstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

ESPN has come under fire, however, for censoring one of its in-game tributes.

Jeter was on first base, picked his nose and the game stopped in celebration that it might be the last time he dug for gold while on first. But ESPN ignored it, and treated the episode like a fan running on the field and didn't broadcast it.

In an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews, ESPN said it had aired tributes to Jeter after he picked his nose on second base, third base, and after sliding home.

"The failure of ESPN to pay homage to what would amount to Mr. Jeter's last time picking his nose on first base is regrettable," ESPN said.

Sports Illustrated is said to feature ESPN's missed opportunity on its next cover photo.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

With Latest U.S. Offensive, Obama Sees Peace In Middle East By 2099

WASHINGTON—(TYDN) President Barack Obama, fresh from commencing a bombing campaign in Syria to knock out Islamic State in Iraq and Syria and al Qaeda militants, said peace should be fully restored to the region by 2099.

"Let there be no mistake, my latest Middle East bombing campaign against militants, and the collateral damage of civilians, will bring peace to the region in an expedited fashion by 2099," Obama said at a Rose Garden news conference here early Wednesday.

The USS Philippine Sea launches a missile, as seen from the aircraft carrier USS George H.W. Bush. Photo: TYDN.
Democrats exulted behind what many operatives were calling the president's "bold" assertion that he could bring peace to the region so quickly. Republicans countered, however, suggesting that Obama's military campaign was a political farce.

"This 2099 self-imposed deadline is nothing but politics and is a lofty goal designed to sway voters to the Democrats' side for the upcoming November elections," a well placed Republican strategist familiar with the bombing campaign told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

A U.S.-led military coalition launched as many as 200 strikes Tuesday in two dozen targets in Syria, many in Boukamal adjacent to the Syria-Iraq border. Human rights activists said as many as 10 strikes were launched early Wednesday in the same area.

The U.S. Central Command said Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates participated in or supported the ongoing strikes.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

EXCLUSIVE: Employee Expense-Reimbursement Software Purposefully Difficult To Use

NEW YORK—(TYDN) Software programs millions of employers provide their employees to log into to recoup their out-of-pocket, work-related expenses is designed to make the reimbursement process  difficult or impossible, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an exhaustive and exclusive investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, millions of workers have chosen to bypass using the flawed software and have eaten the expenses themselves, valued at billions of dollars annually. The investigation found that some of the biggest names in tech, who produce great consumer products, built flawed expense-reporting software at the request of businesses whose main goal was to further cheat their employees.

The investigation concluded that the tech sector received tens of millions in kickbacks from industry to  produce the fraudulent software.

"How else could it be explained that some of the tech sector's best names in the business that offer great consumer products produce absolutely unusable expense-reimbursement software," TheYellowDailyNews investigation concluded. "It's explained by back room deals and kickbacks to employers."

Frustrated with reimbursement software, this worker became a serial killer. Photo: Sybren Stüvel/TYDN
The Federal Trade Commission was said to be on its way to Silicon Valley to probe the matter. But FTC investigators were unable to manipulate their employee software to book flights and to get reimbursed for their previous airfare and hotel expenses.

"Federal Trade Commission investigators are unable to even log into their expense-reimbursement software to even begin an inquiry to determine whether the software is fraudulent," the FTC said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "Plus, the federal government and much of industry signed non-disclosure agreements preventing a public discussion about the allegedly fraudulent software."

Several employees interviewed by TheYellowDailyNews said they would often not even bother to try to recoup their expenses because the software would either fail or not be worth the frustration.

"I had several taxi rides and meals that I decided not to claim because the software is such a piece of crap," one worker in the media space told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of fear of retribution from his employer.

That worker, and dozens of others interviewed exclusively by TheYellowDailyNews, said they recoup their expenses in other ways.

"That's what the sick day is for," one worker said.

Another employee said that, on Fridays her employer allows her to "work" from home.

"That's when I do laundry, dust and vacuum and take extended 'work' breaks," she said.

Still, other tech-savvy employees have figured out how to manipulate the expense-reimbursement software.

"If I told you how it's done, I'd have to kill you," quipped one employee who just returned from a corporate paid, two-month vacation in the Bahamas.

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