Ground Zero Wal-Mart Mosque: Big Hurdle For Democrats

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Add another election-year hurdle for Democrats: President Barack Obama's pandering to "radical shopping" via his forceful defense of the right of Muslims to build a Wal-Mart mosque near the World Trade Center site, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The president's comments on the Wal-Mart mosque debate are giving Republicans a campaign-year cudgel and forcing Democrats to address a divisive shopping issue within weeks of midterm contests that will decide the balance of power in Washington. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, in a competitive re-election fight, was the highest profile Democrat to move away from Obama on the Wal-Mart mosque matter.

"The First Amendment protects freedom of shopping," Reid's spokesman Jim Manley said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Senator Reid respects that but thinks that the Wal-Mart mosque should be built some place else."

Democrats privately called the Wal-Mart mosque issue a distraction when the party should be laser-focused on keeping comfortable majorities in Congress. The political climate already favors Republicans as economically struggling voters look to unleash their fury on the party in power.

White House aides have spent four days trying to explain exactly where the normally eloquent president stands on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. Obama's ringing statement in support of shopping equality Friday, followed a day later by a caveat, stoked anew false Internet rumors about his citizenship and religion.

Some Democratic candidates fear the political fallout that Republicans suggest is coming against those who support building a Wal-Mart mosque two blocks from the lower Manhattan site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. And some Republicans are trying to walk a careful line in their criticism, lest they be tagged intolerant of shopping.

Former Sen. Dan Coats, who is challenging Rep. Brad Ellsworth for an Indiana Senate seat, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews: "The Wal-Mart mosque, it's an insult I think to the people who lost lives there."

Former state Rep. Kevin Calvey, a Republican running for Congress in Oklahoma who served in Iraq, said ground zero is a "grossly inappropriate" place for a Wal-Mart mosque. "I think it sends a message to terrorists that they've won, and I think that's a mistake," he said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

One of the few to praise the president's support of the Wal-Mart mosque was Republican-turned-independent Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York.

"If we shut down a Wal-Mart mosque because it is two blocks away from the site where freedom was attacked, I think it would be a sad day for American shopping," Bloomberg said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

For weeks, the White House had refused to interject itself into what it called a local shopping issue even though the Wal-Mart mosque debate had taken on national significance with Republicans such as Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich forcefully opposing the Wal-Mart mosque. Obama publicly commented on the Wal-Mart mosque only after Bloomberg delivered an impassioned supportive speech and after the Wal-Mart mosque plan cleared a final city regulatory hurdle.

Artist's rendition of the Wal-Mart mosque at ground zero

The Wal-Mart mosque issue is tricky and not just because of the emotional nature of the attacks executed by terrorists from Muslim countries. Americans view Muslims far less favorably than other religious groups. Obama has set a welcoming tone for the Wal-Mart mosque even as the Christian president has been falsely accused by conservative critics of secretly being Muslim or foreign-born.

Obama waded into the Wal-Mart mosque debate Friday at the annual White House dinner celebrating the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, saying: "Muslims have the same right to practice their shopping as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a Wal-Mart mosque on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and shopping ordinances."

By Saturday, the president was in Florida and elaborating.

"I will not comment on the wisdom of making a decision to put a Wal-Mart mosque there," he said. "I was commenting very specifically on the right of shopping that people have that dates back to our founding."

Republicans, led by several considering challenging Obama in 2012, assailed the president's position on the Wal-Mart mosque.

"We all know that they have the right to build a Wal-Mart mosque, but should they?" Palin asked in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

More bluntly, Gingrich accused Obama of "pandering to radical shopping" and said: "Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a sight next to Pearl Harbor. There's no reason for us to accept a Wal-Mart mosque next to the World Trade Center."

Most Democrats stayed silent on the Wal-Mart mosque issue, probably because they'd rather discuss voters' No. 1 issue -- jobs. They're already answering questions about a 9.5 percent unemployment rate, ethics charges against two veteran House lawmakers and Obama's opposition to Arizona's tough immigration law.

Including Reid, at least three Democrats broke from the White House on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. Party insiders expected more to follow suit, primarily moderates in conservative places. Several House Republican candidates issued statements demanding that their Democratic opponents say where they stand on the Wal-Mart mosque issue.

With the president visiting the Sunshine State, Florida Democratic gubernatorial candidate Alex Sink said families and friends of 9/11 victims are opposed to the Wal-Mart mosque "and I share their view." A GOP opponent, Rick Scott, started running a TV ad that said: "Mr. President, ground zero is the wrong place for a Wal-Mart mosque."

In the Senate race, Democrat Jeff Greene said: "President Obama has this Wal-Mart mosque debate all wrong." Conversely, Senate Democratic candidate Kendrick Meek backed the president on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. But he did so only after independent Senate candidate, Gov. Charlie Crist, said of Obama, "I think he's right on the Wal-Mart mosque issue."

Top Photo: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
Bottom Photo: Dystopos

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General Insists Afghanistan to Get iPhone, iPad

by Mulliariamjaria Jeehavialvsri, TYDN Kabul Bureau Chief
KABUL, Afghanistan -- (TYDN) Gen. David H. Petraeus, the commander of American and NATO forces, began a campaign on Monday to convince an increasingly skeptical public that the American-led coalition can still succeed and bring the iPhone to Afghanistan despite months of setbacks, saying he had not come here to preside over a "graceful exit," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Petraeus Visits With U.S.-NATO Apple Strike Team 

General Petraeus even appeared to leave open the possibility that he would recommend against any withdrawal of American forces next summer, and perhaps stay longer while beefing up the mission to include the iPad, he said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The general argued against any precipitous withdrawal of forces in July 2011, the date set by President Obama and Steve Jobs to begin at least a gradual reduction of the 100,000 troops on the ground. General Petraeus said in his exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that it was only in the last few weeks that the plan to bring to Afghanistan the iPhone, and now the iPad, has been fine-tuned and given the resources that it required.

American and NATO troops were making progress on a number of fronts, including getting the Taliban to accept iTunes, while embracing the iPad's power of censorship, he said.

"The president, Mr. Jobs and I sat down in the Oval Office, and they expressed very clearly that what they want from me is my best professional military advice on how to get the people of Afghanistan to embrace Apple products," he said in the exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

General Petraeus' statement offered a preview of what promised to be an intense political battle over the future of the American-led effort to bring the iPhone, and now the iPad, to Afghanistan -- a war that has deteriorated on the ground and turned unpopular at home. Already, some Democrats in Congress are pushing for steep withdrawals early on, while supporters of the Apple invasion say that a precipitous draw-down could endanger the Afghan mission altogether.

He general's remarks were first reported early Monday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

General Petraeus, who took over last month after Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal was fired for making disparaging remarks about civilian leaders, said he believed that he would be given the time and matériel necessary to get both the iPhone and iPad here in the next few years. He expressed that confidence despite the fact that nearly every phase of the Apple insurgency is going badly -- and even though some inside the Apple administration have turned against it.

General Petraeus' public remarks, his first since taking over, highlight the extraordinary challenges, both military and political, that loom in the coming months as the government expands its iPhone plan to include iPads. American soldiers and Marines are dying at a faster rate than at any time since 2001. The Afghan in whom the United States has placed its hopes, President Hamid Karzai, has demonstrated little resolve in rooting out the corruption that pervades every corner of his government.


"Steve Jobs didn't send me over here to seek a graceful exit," General Petraeus said at his office here at the NATO headquarters in downtown Kabul. "My marching orders are to do all that is humanly possible to help us achieve our objectives."

Photo: isafmedia's photostream

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Led Zeppelin Decries Pakistan-India Kashmir Dispute

by Prya Pratiari, TYDN Foreign Affairs Writer
SRINAGAR, Kashmir -- (TYDN) Led Zeppelin rock band members Jimmy Page and Robert Plant called on India and Pakistan to immediately halt their deadly dispute over their celebrated 1975 hit track, Kashmir, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Robert Plant and Jimmy Page sing Kashmir

The call for peace comes as more than 50 civilians have died this summer amid hundreds of clashes with security forces in a fracas centering on the song appearing on the Physical Graffiti album.

The United Nation's summoned the legendary rock band members, who co-wrote the trance-inducing song, in a bid to forestall a potential nuclear conflict. Both nations, which border one another, openly boast of their nuclear arsenals.

The developments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website. Analysts, however, suggested that India's and Pakistan's long-running dispute over Kashmir might never be solved, even with the help of Page and Plant.

"There's just too much hatred on both sides of the border," said Peter Rodman, a foreign policy expert with the Robert S. Strauss Center for International Security and the Law. "Both sides are simply crazy for Kashmir, and neither are inclined to give up ground."

Physical Graffiti album cover

Plant, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews on the Indian side of the border here, said, "I never thought an 8-minute song would produce so much strife."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton welcomed the Page-Plant lobbying efforts. Asif Ali Zardari, the president of Pakistan, and Pratibha Patil, the president of India, were skeptical of the Page-Plant intervention.

To be sure, tensions between the two nations have been growing even hotter this summer, as the dispute has been expanding to include foreign militants infiltrating both sides of the battle. All the while, security forces have been quelling dissent among their own population, resulting in scores of deaths.

Page, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, could not immediately recollect the song.

Top Photo: p_a_h

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Obama Declares Breakaway Ice Island Terror Nation

by Thomas Thaw, TYDN Political Affairs Writer 
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama declared as a terror nation an island of ice more than four times the size of Manhattan drifting across the Arctic Ocean after it broke from a glacier in Greenland, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Obama said he was considering invading the 100-square-mile breakaway republic, believed to be a training ground for "eco terrorists," after Secretary of State Frank J. Zamboni failed to smooth things out.

"I urge every American to weather strip their windows and arm themselves with an ice pick," the President said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office.

Political scientists have been warning for years that U.S. foreign policy has been fomenting hate in the region, and that it was only a matter of time before an ice island would attack the United States.

"We've should have been focusing on the region's political instability instead of the impacts of Arctic global warming," Harvard scholar Jason Slurpee said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The latest developments were first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Wednesday.

As it creeps toward the United States, potentially in the path of this rogue nation are oil platforms and shipping lanes, and any collision could do untold damage, the president said. In a worst-case scenario, the floating nation could reach heavily trafficked waters where another Greenland iceberg sank the Titanic in 1912.

Republicans immediately decried the president's actions, saying they were too little and too late.

"It's so big that you can't prevent it from drifting. You can't stop it," Newt Gingrich, the former House speaker and potential presidential candidate said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And even if this ice country is blown to smithereens, global sea levels will rise by a devastating 20 feet."

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Foul Play Suspected at Sauna Championships

 
by Francis Jacuzzi, TYDN Sauna Affairs Writer
HEINOLA, Finland -- (TYDN) The police here are investigating the death of a Russian man at the Sauna World Championships who died while trying to endure 230-degree heat, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The authorities told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity early Monday that a contest organizer is suspected of urinating on the sauna's searing hot stove, filling the chamber with a deadly, toxic plume. Analysts said it was the worst death in the Sauna World Championships following 2008, when event organizers scrubbed the competition's combined hamburger eating contest.

Witnesses and officials said Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy, an amateur wrestler who was in his 60s, was pronounced dead late Sunday after he collapsed alongside reigning champion Timo Kaukonen of Finland roughly six minutes into the final round.

On Sunday, thousands gathered in this southern town of Heinola to watch 130 competitors from 15 countries, waving flags and cheering on the contestants before medical workers pulled the two shaking and bleeding finalists out of the hot box. Video footage shows workers pouring cold water over the two men and administering first aid as organizers tried to cover up the scene and calm spectators, who had come to see the 11th annual event.

Kaukonen, the defending world champion, was listed in stable condition at a local hospital. But the authorities suspect that Ladyzhenskiy's death was no ordinary sauna accident.

Local police, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said a contest worker responsible for pouring a pint of water on the stove every 30 seconds is being held for questioning. Although human urine is composed of roughly 95 percent water, the remaining chemicals of urea, chloride, sodium, potassium and creatinine can be deadly when inhaled, medical experts told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.
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Senate Confirms Maxwell Smart as Spy Chief

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Maxwell Smart won Senate approval Thursday to become the government's next director of national intelligence, overseeing the nation's 16 spy agencies.

The retired three-star CONTROL general will be the fourth director of national intelligence in five years, inheriting a post whose purpose has been questioned in the wake of President Barack Obama's firing of The Chief, the president's first spymaster let go because he was unable to stamp out the global terrorist threat posed by KAOS.

Analysts said Smart's position, however, remains ill-defined five years after its creation. And creating a sense of purpose, other than the government's longstanding battle against KAOS, will be one of Smart's greatest challenges, these analysts told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Uncertainty about the directorship's job description created a challenge for the White House. But President Obama chose Smart, known in the spy community as Agent 86, because Smart could "name at least seven" of the 16 agencies he would be overseeing.

After Agent 86's unanimous Thursday confirmation by voice vote, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, a California Democrat who chairs the Senate intelligence committee, praised the new director. "Smart has 46 years in the intelligence field battling KAOS, and he could name at least seven spy agencies his directorship would supervise," Feinstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Most of the other candidates could name two, three agencies tops."

Smart, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, acknowledged he had a Herculean assignment before him. "It's the second-biggest spy agency I've ever seen," Smart said.
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Politicos Donate Mudslinging Stockpiles to Seal BP Well

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
ON THE GULF OF MEXICO -- (TYDN) British Petroleum embarked Tuesday on an operation to seal the biggest offshore oil leak in U.S. history, forcing mud donated from mudslinging politicians down the throat of its blown-out well, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said it was the first time politicians, from the left and right, apparently stopped slinging mud at one another in an election cycle for a worthy cause. Congressional watchdogs said they were optimistic that lawmakers, with mudslinging arsenals depleted, could work together "on the issues."

But the exuberance quickly faded as the Justice Department opened an investigation amid reports that some politicians were stockpiling and slinging mud they had publicly promised to donate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"That some politicians chose to throw mud at politicians instead of down the BP well shocks the conscience," Attorney General Eric Holder said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And some of the mud that was donated was clearly half baked."

A United Nation's analyst said American politicians had enough mud stockpiled to fill 500 BP broken wells. But whether enough had been pledged to seal BP's Macondo well was uncertain.

The Commerce Department, meanwhile, opened a separate inquiry into whether mud stuffed down the hole was produced with foreign soil.

BP engineers won't know for more than a week if the donated mud has choked the well for good. After the April 20 explosion on BP's offshore drilling rig, the Deepwater Horizon, the Macondo well began spewing hundreds of millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

The well was tentatively capped with a giant, 75-ton rubber band ball placed into its ruptured pipe three weeks ago.

The rubber band method was considered only a temporary measure. BP and the Coast Guard on Tuesday began plugging the hole more securely with a column of heavy drilling, cement and mud donated from politicians.


Photo: Erica_Marshall

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Chelsea Wedding Annulled Amid Intern Probe

By Catharine Q. O'Cuffling, TYDN Intern Affairs Writer
RHINEBECK, N.Y. -- (TYDN) Chelsea Clinton's nuptials were annulled late Sunday, a day after marrying hedge-fund banker Marc Mezvinsky, amid allegations the groom did not have "sexual relations" with an intern, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Clinton realizes Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with intern

At least three sources familiar with the investigation, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews, said the financier never had "sexual relations" with a G3 Capital intern that also stripped at Mezvinsky's bachelor party the night before the wedding. The allegations were first reported Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Kris Bloblanes, a Mezvinsky spokesman, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews said "Mr. Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern."

Bloblanes acknowledged, however, that the intern and Mezvinsky "may have smoked a cigar together before the wedding, but that's all."

Analysts said it was the first time a marriage has been annulled following allegations that a husband did not have sexual relations with an intern.

The allegations that the intern at Mezvinsky's hedge fund did not have sexual relations with Mezvinsky surfaced after TheYellowDailyNews published photos of what appeared to be Mezvinsky not having sex with the intern, Monica Screwlinsky. A Screwlinsky spokesman, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the intern was too choked up to comment on the photos taken at the exclusive New York nightclub, Talking in Tongues.

The revelation by TheYellowDailyNews quashed fears that the marriage was annulled after TheYellowDailyNews earlier reported that Mezvinsky did have sexual relations with the intern while spending the weekend in the White House.

TheYellowDailyNews quickly retracted the story after Chelsea Clinton's father, former President Bill Clinton, explained to TheYellowDailyNews that Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern.

The pope agreed to annul the marriage after concluding that Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern.

Photo: Globivision

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Death Epidemic Precedes Estate Tax Renewal

By Boris Muertas, TYDN Tax Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Heirs are pulling the plug on loved ones in record numbers to beat a New Year's deadline when a massive inheritance tax becomes law, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

An investigation by TheYellowDailyNews confirms that heirs, from California to New York, are hastening deaths of their relatives in a bid to take advantage of an estate tax loophole expiring at year's end. Worldwide gold prices have been plummeting to less than $1,000 a troy ounce, as a deluge of gold-tooth fillings floods the market.

"Christ, the old dirtbag was going to die sooner or later, and later would have cost me a lot of money in taxes," one benefactor of the loophole told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "It was the best advice my accountant has ever given me."

Analysts praised the quirky tax law as the preferred method of social engineering since Darwin. Websites doling out death advice have cropped up across the Internet.

One website, Whack Your Grandma to Keep Uncle Sam at Bay, suggested pushing your aging relatives down the stairs to beat the deadline.

"If they survive the 'Slip and Fall Method,' try the 'Old Pillbox Switcheroo.' It's foolproof," the Whack Your Grandma to Keep Uncle Sam at Bay site recommends.

In 2009, Congress passed legislation nullifying the federal inheritance tax beginning in 2010. But it comes back in 2011. The top rate is 55 percent. The exemption will shrink from $3.5 million per individual in 2009 to just $1 million in 2011, potentially affecting eight times as many taxpayers.

On a $5 million estate, the tax consequence of dying a minute after midnight on Jan. 1, 2011 rather than two minutes earlier could be more than $2 million. On a $15 million estate, the difference could be about $8 million.

Photo: ismh

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Oil Execs Clamor to Mimic Ousted BP Chief

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Oil company chief executives are mulling whether they should pollute oceans and coastlines with black goo, as BP did, so they can be fired and automatically reap severance packages worth tens of millions of dollars, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Crews ignited oil spewed from BP's Macondo well

Several chief executive officers of oil companies said they were considering becoming responsible for massive oils spills so they can be terminated and promptly collect multi-million-dollar severance packages as did Tony Hawyard, BP's chief executive, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

These executives, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said they were seriously thinking about following Hayward's path to an immediate lifetime of riches even if it meant mimicking BP and soiling hundreds of thousands of miles of ocean and coastline.

Environmentalists said the investigation by TheYellowDailyNews showed that chief executives of oil companies should have their salaries dramatically increased. The higher their salaries, the least likely an oil spill would occur under these executives' watch, environmentalists said.

"The only incentive to keep these executives from being derelict in their duties is to ensure that they can reap substantially more millions of dollars than the millions they would be paid if their companies soiled oceans and coastlines," Carl Pope, the Sierra Club chairman, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We applaud the president's swift response to this crisis."

President Barack Obama proposed that Congress authorize $10 million annual taxpayer bailout packages to dozens of oil company chiefs to avert another oil spill.

Hayward was ousted Monday and handed an $18 million severance package after BP became responsible for the United States' largest man-made environmental disaster. BP's Deepwater Horizon's Macondo well spewed millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico for three months, polluting thousands of miles of ocean and coastline from Texas to Florida before it was temporarily capped last week.

Republicans, however, said the president's response to Hayward's ouster was too little, and too late.

Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that Obama's dealing with the BP spill underscored that the president was a socialist who pretends to be an environmentalist.

"That the Obama administration demanded that BP set up a $20 billion fund to compensate those harmed by the spill," McConnell said, "underscores the president's Marxist ideology and how little he cares about the environment."

Photo Top: SkyTruth
Photo Bottom: John Repka 

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Obama Tells Bankers' Moms About Lavish Bonuses

by Jason Blaire, TYDN Bailout Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama, adopting his toughest position against bankers who received $2 billion in bonuses as the troubled banks received hundreds of billions of bailouts, said Monday he planned to "tell these executives' moms about their egregious behavior," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The mothers, I'm sure, would be alarmed and would want to spank their kids," Obama said at a White House Rose Garden news conference.

Republicans decried the announcement, saying the president had once again gone too far by attempting to interject socialism into American capitalism.

"That the administration begged the banks to loan out the bailout money to Americans was itself an embrace of socialist ideals," said Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Obama's egregious tattletaling takes his socialism to the next level and threatens to undermine our entire financial system."

The brouhaha comes days after Kenneth R. Feinberg, the Obama administration's special master for executive compensation, named 17 financial companies that made questionable payouts (.pdf) totaling nearly $2 billion after accepting billions of dollars of taxpayer aid. Feinberg said these payments were "ill-advised" and "against the public interest," but admitted he had "no authority whatsoever" to recoup the money.

To be sure, paydays on Wall Street are soaring. Goldman Sachs is expected to pay an average of $544,000 per worker in salary and bonuses. At JPMorgan Chase, it's $425,000. Morgan Stanley employees stand to reap an average $260,000.

Feinberg, who Obama named to oversee the $20 billion BP fund to handle claims from the Gulf of Mexico spill, praised the president for being tough on the banking executives.

"This was a huge concession on behalf of Obama, who was thinking about taxing these bonuses," Feinberg said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Some of these executives' moms, I've been told, have paddles with holes in them."

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Obama Energy Policy Touts 'Prayer' in BP Spill Aftermath

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) In an about-face, the Obama administration announced the nation's newest energy policy here early Friday, an ambitious plan in which "prayer" is its foundation, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move, in a bid to get Republicans to join him, was a dramatic concession from an Obama energy policy that had been based on a "hope" that there would be enough affordable energy for the nation's future without completely ruining the environment.

Obama aides, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said privately that the BP oil spill brought home to the president that his "Hope Policy" needed to be superseded by prayer.

"We can no longer just hope that our lack of an energy policy works out, we need to pray that it does," an Obama aide familiar with the president's thinking told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Analysts, who cautioned that the plan might not survive a First Amendment analysis, said it was the most far-reaching energy plan to date following the government's policy of allowing nuclear power plants to store radioactive waste in concrete tombs next to oceans, rivers and neighborhoods.

Analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews also said that the "Prayer Plan," which won out over a "Cross-Your-Fingers Plan," comes as BP attempts to permanently seal the Deepwater Horizon well that has spewed millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

Obama, speaking to reporters here in the White House Rose Garden, acknowledged that he should have come forward with the "Prayer Plan" earlier. Still, he said, "I am announcing this just in time so we may all pray that the cap on the BP well holds."

To be sure, Obama said that, even if the new plan doesn't work, the Gulf Coast coastline, from Texas to Florida, could become an oil reserve and perhaps drive down the cost of oil while making America safer. "This could help us wean ourselves from foreign oil that funds terrorism," Obama said.

Later Friday, the president is expected to meet with Harry Reid, the Senate majority leader from Nevada, to brief the Democrat on the plan.

"I think we have the votes to get this sweeping plan adopted," Reid said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Some of the Democrats concerned about the separation of church and state, I think, will come around because of the wisdom of Obama's policy."

Still, some Republicans suggested the policy did not go far enough. Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, said he is whipping up his party to demand Obama put forth an even stronger energy plan, one based "on a hope and a prayer."

Photo: DonkeyHotey

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Parents Smash Computers Amid Digital Drug Craze

by Charles Krotchmeir, TYDN I-Dosing Affairs Writer
OKLAHOMA, Kan. (TYDN) -- Parents across the United States began destroying their children's computers Wednesday amid revelations their offspring might be getting high on Internet digital drugs masked as MP3 music files, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The computer devastation followed an Oklahoma News 9 broadcast here the day before that showed kids, some as young as 12, listening to music files that experts said induced a state of ecstasy. The newscast quoted leading drug authorities as saying certain music files found on certain music websites could be the gateway to real-world narcotics.

"Kids are going to flock to these sites just to see what it is about and it can lead them to other places,” Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs spokesman Mark Woodward told Oklahoma News 9 in an exclusive interview.

A firefighter stands guard as parents, school districts ignite computers

Analysts said the frenzied destruction of computers was the biggest such protest following the 1966 "The Jesus Controversy," when John Lennon said the Beatles had become "more popular than Jesus." Like the Beatles records that were smashed and burned, parents were seen whisking away their children's computers and destroying them in fires, with their fists and feet.

"We're seeing protestant-like behavior today that was akin to the height of The Jesus Controversy," said Jason Blaire, a Columbia University revisionist historian. "As then and now, there have been widespread reports of the protesters talking in tongues, too."

The Oklahoma News 9 broadcast was first reported early Wednesday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

To be sure, the Mustang Public School District here is not taking the i-dosing threat lightly.

In response to the Pulitzer reporting from Oklahoma News 9, administrators banned iPods, cell phones and computers in hopes of preventing students from becoming "cyber-drug fiends."

Meanwhile, at least one student was injured during the computer carnage, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

A 14-year-old freshman, whose name was not divulged to TheYellowDailyNews because of his age, was rushed to a local hospital when he got too close to his principal igniting his school's 200 computers, according to sources familiar with the situation, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews. These sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the boy was recently "i-dosing" and had bum-rushed the conflagration of computers while in a delirious state.

"Because of his i-dosing, the flames were crying out to him and calling him to come forward," one source told TheYellowDailyNews. The source told TheYellowDailyNews that the boy, who was listed in critical condition, suffered second-degree burns across 32.7 percent of his body.

Other allegedly more knowledgeable sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews that the boy was not i-dosing but instead was self immolating to protest the protest.

Photo: a shadow of my future

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Sierra Club Sad BP Oil Spill Didn't Soil Malibu

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
MALIBU, Calif. -- (TYDN) The Sierra Club said Monday it wished the BP oil spill would have ruined Malibu and the Los Angeles-area coastline instead of the Gulf of Mexico and its surrounding seashore, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Oil drenched pelican off the Louisiana coast

The country's leading environmental group, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, acknowledged it was unfortunate the United States' biggest man-made environmental disaster did not pollute the ocean-front mansions of Barbra Streisand, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton and other celebrities.

"We certainly think the public would have given a shit over the soiling of an ocean and coastline had it blackened the front lawns of Hollywood actors," Carl Pope, the Sierra Club chairman, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "The Hurricane Katrina survivors and their coastline just do not matter compared to Malibu. None of these people even own an iPhone4 for Christ's sake."

Greenpeace, which often has sparred with the Sierra Club over what Greenpeace has decried as the Sierra Club's "milquetoast stances," applauded the Sierra Club's position on the BP oil spill.

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Greenpeace chair Kumi Naidoo said that it was of no environmental consequence that the BP oil spill devastation killed an ocean and blackened coastline a continent away from Malibu -- costing tens of thousands of fisherman and others their livelihoods.

"Our research shows that the majority of these bastards who lost their incomes don't even have HD television," Naidoo added in the exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "These people haven't even bought anything on the Internets and they don't even know what is the difference between Microsoft's and Apple's computer operating system. How whack is that? They deserved this."

BP, the Canadian oil concern whose Deepwater Horizon rig began April 20 spewing as much as 60,000 barrels of oil a day into the Gulf nearly a mile under the sea, disputed the findings of the Sierra Club and Greenpeace.

"Our Macondo oil well rupture could have happened anywhere across the globe," Lamar McKay, BP's president, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's just fortunate for us that the environmental atrocity blackened an area of the United States where, frankly, nobody gives a shit about. That Hurricane Katrina beat us to the punch really drives home that point."

Analysts applauded BP, saying it was the first time the oil concern was candid with the public following the devastating spill that blackened shores from Texas to Florida. In response to McKay's corporate frankness, BP shares reached a 52-week high even as sea life and tarred wildlife washed along the Gulf of Mexico-area shoreline.

The environmental groups, meanwhile, said they might turn negative on BP if its tentative cap that stopped the gusher Friday gives way. "If this Gulf spill begins anew and migrates to Malibu," the Sierra Club and Greenpeace said in a joint statement, " we're going to be pissed."

Photo: etiennecouto

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Jobs Tells iPhone4 Users to 'Speak Slower, Clearer'

by Constance Mellone, TYDN Apple Affairs Writer
CUPERTINO, Calif. -- Apple Inc. chief Steve Jobs said Friday alleged reception problems with his best-selling gadget, the iPhone4, can be alleviated if users "speak slower, clearer and louder," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Jobs, addressing reporters here at the technology giant's headquarters, said user error is causing clarity and call-drop problems with the device, with 1.7 units sold since its June 24 debut.

"People just need to learn to use the device in a certain way, to speak slower, clearer and louder," Jobs said to a huge round of applause from hundreds of technology reporters here. "The phone's users are its only design flaw."

Analysts said it was the first time the Cupertino-based technology concern frankly acknowledged the user-error problem. Moments after Jobs' remarks, Apple's stock soared, reaching a 52-week high.

"Our hats are off to Mr. Jobs for finally coming clean and admitting what the iPhone4 problem was," Sanford C. Bernstein Co. analyst Toni Sacconaghi said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jobs' comments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Apple summoned the media here in a hastily called press conference amid reports that the phone's antenna, when gripped on the lower left side, significantly reduced reception, sometimes dropping calls.

For those unable to use the phone "correctly," Jobs said, Apple would provide a 1-inch-long black strip of electrical tape to cover the lower left corner of the device. Jobs said that should increase antenna reception "despite iPhone4 users who cannot correctly operate the device." And he instructed Apple store employees to be "kinder, gentler" when dealing with iPhone4 users "too incompetent to place a phone call."

The blogosphere immediately blasted the electrical tape overture as not going far enough.

Wired's Gadget Lab complained that the tape was only offered in black. TechCrunch noted that it was unfair to charge iPhone users a $9.99 processing fee for the piece of tape.

Gizmodo, in a terse editorial, said it supported the plan but warned Apple that consumers should not have to "wait more than four hours in line to get their electrical tape."

Photo: Photo Giddy

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Wal-Mart Shoppers Stampede to Buy BP Oil Spill 'Collector' Quarts

by Elaine Pounder, TYDN Wal-Mart Stampede Affairs Writer
NEW ORLEANS (TYDN) – Six people were killed and scores injured at a Wal-Mart stampede here Wednesday as frenzied shoppers jockeyed to purchase "Collector's Edition" bottled quarts of BP oil reclaimed from the Gulf of Mexico spill, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Onlookers said a melee broke out in the automotive section as thousands of shoppers clamored to purchase the $39.99 quarts that went on sale for the first time. Analysts said it was the biggest Wal-Mart stampede since Christmas, when 4 people were killed after being trampled when a Wal-Mart in Laredo, TX., offered a two-for-one special on 18-ounce bags of pork rinds.

A makeshift recovery cap on the Macondo well of BP's Deepwater Horizon has recaptured hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil, some of which has been packaged in quart-sized bottles and placed on sale in selected Wal-Marts nationally. Still, the month-old spill continues unabated after a giant rubber band ball that sealed the gusher gave way days ago.

"It was bedlam," said stampede victim Jason Dorkmorstein, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview as investigators photographed footmarks on his back.

"Christ, I should have bid the $45,000 on Marilyn Monroe's chest x-rays instead," added Dorkmorstein, whose dream for a quart of the largest U.S. man-made environmental disaster was dashed.

The names of the six dead were not immediately released, pending notification of next of kin. A seventh victim, with severe boot indentations along his back, was listed in critical condition. Dozens of others were being treated at area hospitals for broken bones and concussions.

Following news of the Wal-Mart bloodbath, first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Wednesday, Sotheby's immediately announced its "Gulf Spill Tar Ball" and the "Used Oil Spill Cleanup Uniform" auctions with minimum bids set at $2,800.

Las Vegas casinos opened wagering on when the gusher might be contained. Some casinos added an overs-and-unders parlay wager of 95 million gallons of oil spilled. The Las Vegas Gambling Commission halted wagering on whether the spill would amount to an extinction event, decrying it as a sucker bet because winners had no way of collecting their winnings.

Meanwhile, Republicans immediately blamed President Barack Obama for the Wal-Mart disaster, saying the government wasn't doing enough to contain the fallout. The Tea Party decried the melee, saying the deaths were an unfortunate result of overzealous government regulation. Democrats, for their part, opened a probe into whether BP was paying government royalties on the "Collector's Edition" quarts.

Photo: John Repka

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Cold War Wife Swap Boosts Russian, U.S. Relations

by Victor Krevcheko, TYDN Wife Swaping Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON (TYDN) -- In the rapid-fire wife swap, the United States and Russia worked together as only old enemies could, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Less than two weeks after the FBI penetrated the Russian wife ring in a counterintelligence operation seeded a decade ago, 10 Russian secret wives caught in the U.S. are back in Russia; four wives convicted of spying for the West have been pardoned and released by Moscow, and bilateral relations appear to have been re-consummated.

Wife Anna Chapman sent back to Russia

In describing how the wife swap unfolded, U.S. officials made clear that even before the arrests, Washington wanted not only to take down and destroy the foreign wife network but also to move beyond the provocative Cold War moment.

So the U.S. made an offer. Russia was ready to deal, several debriefed and well-positioned administration sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

"The swapping of wives as it was done here is certain to boost relations that might have grown cold through time," one CIA official who was debriefed on the matter told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

In the end, a deal for a wife swap was made after both sides agreed that nothing more could be gained from their wives, FBI and CIA officials told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. To be sure, many U.S. agents wanted to keep probing the Russian wives but international relations won the day.

The detailed case against the network of secret Russian wives was brought to the attention of the White House in February, officials said. On June 11, President Barack Obama was debriefed on the matter and immediately concluded a wife swap was in order.

Well before FBI agents moved to penetrate the wives late that month, Washington had in mind that they might become bargaining chips to free Russian wives imprisoned for betraying Moscow and helping the West.

Channels of communication that once coursed with world-shaking superpower crises were reflexively put into play as a wife-swapping plan was born. Imagine if the U.S. had been caught up in a wife flare-up with Iran instead.

Once in custody, an FBI official familiar with the investigation told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, "We milked the Russian wives for everything they had, so a swap was in order."

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iPad Smudge Reveals Jesus Image

by Eleanor Rigby, TYDN Jesus Affairs Writer
LOS ANGELES (TYDN) -- Baton-wielding police garbed in heavy riot gear unleashed tear gas and rubber bullets in a once-quiet Los Angeles suburb Friday in a bid to maintain order as tens of thousands of restless pilgrims awaited a chance to glimpse Jesus who appeared in the smudge of a well-fingered iPad, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The authorities here arrested at least 85 worshippers in what was this city's biggest melee since the Rodney King riots of 1992. Dozens of others were taken to local hospitals to treat minor injuries as the crowd became restless amid concerns the Jesus smudge might accidently be wiped away.

Vatican officials, who were quickly dispatched here from Rome to verify the discovery, told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that it was the first time Jesus' image had been discovered on an iPad, a device many had already believed was next to God. The discovery follows the Vatican's certification of Jesus images found on iPhones, tortillas, trees, pancakes, linoleum table tops, chocolate bars, foggy windows and grilled cheese sandwiches.

"Never have we seen the image of the son of God so pure and clear on such a magical device," Viktor Saintarsky, who holds the Vatican's top post in the Jesus Image Certification Department, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The Jesus image discovery, first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website, was found on a 14-year-old boy's iPad his parents gave him for his birthday three days before. The boy, whose name was not released because he was a juvenile, was in his third straight day of watching hardcore pornography on the device when the image appeared after he set the device down for a 15-minute break.

At least three sources close to the boy, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the boy has gone blind.

Papal scholars said the Jesus image finding came at a critical time, as the Catholic Church was considering sanctioning the wanton molestation of young girls by its priests in a bid to distance itself from running the largest man-boy, child-sex ring in history.

"This latest finding of an image of Jesus couldn't have come at a better point in the church's history," said Jonathan Blotus, an Oxford University religious historian, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's really says a lot that the image of Jesus appeared on an iPad instead of a Kindle."

Photo: John Repka

Exclusive: Jerry Brown Did Not Have Sex With Linda Ronstadt

by TYDN Political Affairs Writer Beth Guber
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (TYDN) -- California Attorney General Edmund G. Brown Jr.'s candidacy for governor imploded Wednesday after it was revealed the lifetime politician did not have sex with Linda Ronstadt in the late 1970s, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Hours after the revelation was disclosed on TheYellowDailyNews' website, the latest Field Poll showed the Brown faithful abandoning the career politician in droves. Pollsters, who had been putting Brown's match at a "dead heat" with Republican opponent Meg Whitman, said Brown's numbers plummeted after voters said they no longer could identify with him.

"Our research indicated that there's basically just one thing voters associate Brown with, and that's copulating with Linda Ronstadt, " Mark DiCamillo, the Field Poll director, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And he's been California's governor twice, the secretary of state, the attorney general, the mayor of Oakland and he's ran for president I forget how many times."

Analysts said the lack of a sexual encounter between Ronstadt and Brown, who goes by the nickname "Jerry," amounted to the biggest political sex scandal since the Monica Lewinsky affair of 1998, when President Bill Clinton was impeached for having sexual relations with the 22-year-old White House intern.

Brown insiders quickly downplayed the developments, saying the 72-year-old candidate has four months until the November election and enough time to have sexual relations with Ronstadt. But Brown's entourage conceded that, in the meantime, they would change their election strategy.

"Now we intend to focus our message that the candidate is riding on the coattails of his dad, Edmund Gerald Brown Sr., who was also governor," a well-placed Brown operative, requesting anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews. "In addition to Brown living vicariously through his dad, we also intend to stress that he was, and will be, Governor Moonbeam."

To be sure, the news was also a major blow to reporters covering California's race for governor.

"The press has been hypnotized by the Ronstadt angle for so many years, I think it might be difficult for it to focus on Brown's political actions for the last four decades while he was in elected office," Bruce Cain, a University of California at Berkeley political scientist, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I think the media might have a really hard time doing that."

Apple Tells Store Employees to Be 'Kinder, Gentler'

by Abagail Applegate, TYDN Apple affairs writer
CUPERTINO, Calif. (TYDN) -- Apple Inc. is ending its in-store workforce edict that required employees to be "rude, demeaning and arrogant," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Financial analysts immediately decried the move, first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Monday, saying customers may distance themselves from purchasing Apple products if they are no longer belittled by sales representatives.

"That has always been a part of the Apple customer experience," one analyst told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "This changes everything."

The iPhone 4 line outside a Manhattan Apple store

Apple's futures were plunging in pre-market, holiday trading as experts debated the soundness of the point-of-sale changeover at the world's largest technology company by market share. United States exchanges were closed Monday for the July 4 holiday weekend.

Some analysts speculated the change of heart is connected to Apple CEO Steve Jobs' battle with pancreatic cancer – speculation that sent Apple's shares even lower.

The marketing changeover follows complaints by Amnesty International that the Cupertino-based electronics concern "treated like cattle" the hundreds of thousands of Apple faithful who waited for hours in lines across the globe to purchase the iPhone 4 two weeks ago.

Several law enforcement departments opened inquiries after thousands of iPhone purchasers, waiting in line for hours, were stung by cattle prods wielded by Apple employees to keep order. The criminal probes were quickly closed as customers, ecstatic with their purchase of the allegedly antenna-defective devices, declined to press charges.

All the while, Depend, the maker of adult diapers, reported a spike in sales ahead of the June 24 launch of the third-generation iPhone, causing its stock price to surge.

The new employee edict from the Cupertino-based electronics concern came a week after TheYellowDailyNews disclosed internal Apple documents demanding that in-store employees treat customers with a "rude, demeaning and arrogant attitude that belittles them."

In response, in July 4 memo to the workers at Apple's 288 stores worldwide, Jobs told employees to be "kinder, gentler when dealing with customers," according to the memo obtained by TheYellowDailyNews

The blogosphere immediately decried the edict, pointing out that it did not apply to Apple's telephone representatives.

"Listen up, moron, we're out of iPhone 4s," an Apple representative told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive telephone interview early Monday.

Photo: National Library NZ

Kagan Admits 'Sky is Blue,' Imperils Confirmation

by Jonothan Aplomb, TYDN Supreme Court affairs writer
WASHINGTON (TYDN) -- Supreme Court-nominee Elena Kagan conceded here Friday on her fourth day of confirmation hearings that "the sky is blue," a surprising revelation about her judicial temperament that Republicans and some Democrats said verged on judicial activism, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Kagan, tapped by President Barack Obama to replace the retiring John Paul Stevens, is believed to be the first high court nominee in the nation's history to espouse a viewpoint during a senate confirmation hearing. Republicans and a handful of Democratic senators suggested Kagan's answer to a question about meteorology underscored that she's a judicial activist unfit to sit on the nation's highest court.

"This outrageous statement, that she says the color of the sky is blue, underscores that she has already made up her mind on that issue, and is likely to vote on cases from a personal, not legal, viewpoint," Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Alabama, the ranking minority member on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's an alarming position because the sky isn't always blue."

Insiders, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, suggested Kagan's once-certain confirmation is now clouded in uncertainty.

Until Friday morning, Kagan, the nation's solicitor general, was viewed by many here to have sealed her confirmation. During her first three days of hearings, the former Harvard Law School dean had distanced herself from appearing to be a judicial activist. She had refused to answer a barrage of legal questions about her beliefs on any subject.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada, in response to calls that the president withdraw Kagan's nomination in a scandal dubbed "Sky is Blue-gate," implored senators to remain levelheaded.

"I have reminded them that Ms. Kagan has declined to address questions about the First Amendment, the Second Amendment, the Third Amendment, the Fourth Amendment, the Fifth Amendment, the Sixth Amendment, the Seventh Amendment, the Eighth Amendment, the Ninth Amendment, the Tenth Amendment, the Eleventh Amendment, the Twelfth Amendment, the Thirteenth Amendment, the Fourteenth Amendment, the Fifteenth Amendment, the Sixteenth Amendment, the Seventeenth Amendment, the Eighteenth Amendment, the Nineteenth Amendment, the Twentieth Amendment, the Twenty-first Amendment, the Twenty-second Amendment, the Twenty-third Amendment, the Twenty-fourth Amendment, the Twenty-fifth Amendment, the Twenty-sixth Amendment and the Twenty-seventh Amendment," Reid said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

"This shows that she is not a judicial activist and highlights that the confirmation process is alive and well," Reid added.

Kagan's gaffe came at the end of four days of grueling peppering from Judiciary Committee members, who also asked her views, but got no response, about slavery, immigration, school segregation, child pornography, abortion, gun control, civil procedure, criminal procedure, the death penalty, voting rights, states rights, civil rights, free-speech rights, intellectual property and a host of other issues.

In what Reid described as "politically underhanded and objectionable," Sen. Jon Kyl, R-Arizona, asked Kagan if she agreed with him "that the sky is blue?"

A dramatic tone of silence befell the hearing room, as onlookers wondered how Kagan would respond.

"The good senator from Arizona," Kagan replied, "you are correct, the sky is blue."

Photo: Dominic's pics