Google's Search Page Remake Portends 'Gorgeousness'

by Jona Salt, TYDN Technology Affairs Writer
Google's post-Labor Day change to its infamous search page is causing quite a stir in the blogosphere, spurring speculation about whether the mysterious and rumored graphic remake portends other changes at the search giant, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

When users went to Google's classic search page Tuesday, they were treated to a Google logo in which the straight line in the capital "G" in "Google" was about a millimeter shorter, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

TechCrunch, citing at least three sources familiar with Google's upcoming rumored search page changes, suggested that the normally yellow second "O" in "Google" will be replaced by the color orange.

Those rumors ignited speculation that other letters of the famous Google logo could change in shape, color and size. Gizmodo, quoting internal Google documents "found" at a Palo Alto, Calif. bar, reported that Google would soon shrink its familiar home page search box to 4.25 inches from 4.5 inches.

The New York Times suggested that the resized search box portends the gorgeousness of what a search page could be.

"This new rumored look underscores the gorgeousness by which a home search page can be," David Pogue, the Time's chief technology reporter, wrote on his blog, first read by TheYellowDailyNews. "It's delicious."

All the while, Google's stock was soaring in after hours trading on the Nasdaq Stock Market. Analysts said the makeover would certainly increase the Mountain View, Calif.-based company's share of the world search market.

"This is perhaps the most expansive and consumer-friendly new Google feature since the company created Gmail," said Forrester Research analyst JP Gownder, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This changeover is certain to bring back internet surfers who defected to Microsoft's Bing."

Meanwhile, Wire's Gadget Lab blog, citing unconfirmed rumors from three anonymous sources, suggested that the rumored Google search page makeover was created to counter Apple's far-reaching decision last week to recast its iTunes logo.

Gadget lab, in a 25,000-word analysis of the issue published Tuesday, said the face of technology is rapidly evolving and "providing consumers with an ever-changing, life-changing and life-enriching landscape of new branding logos and, hence, a fun-packed user experience emblazoned with gorgeousness."

Photo: Alain Bachellier

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TYDN Workers Strike, Protest on Labor Day

by a TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews staff have gone on an unauthorized strike in celebration of Labor Day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The National Labor Relations Board, and New York Police Department riot-gear authorities have been called in to quell the violence at TheYellowDailyNews' hallmark headquarters here. Our reporters and photographers are not rushing to the scene.

Photo: caitlin_

Obama To Discuss 'Issues' At Press Conference Next Week

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama is to hold a White House press conference next week to discuss the "issues" near and dear to Americans, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources declined publicly to disclose details of the Sept. 10 news conference, which is to come a day before the 9th anniversary of the September 11 terror attacks. But several high-ranking administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly discuss the press event, said the president would wear a red tie and a dark suit during his first solo press conference since May 27.

The leak ignited speculation whether the president would adorn a suit sewn by one of the event's commercial sponsors. As of press time early Friday, Las Vegas oddsmakers were offering even-money wagering on that issue.

And a handful of select casinos were offering lopsided wagering on how black the president would allow himself to look on television, an issue some analysts suggested could be a huge factor whether the Democrats stay in power after the November elections.

"Will the makeup on his skin make him look like an Oompa-Loompa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or will it look its natural birth color of his Indonesian birthplace?" asked syndicated columnist, Josh Popovitch, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Meanwhile, at least three administration sources said the president is likely to disclose during his 8th solo news conference his favorite iPod color, a far-reaching White House policy that some analysts said could nip at him for the remainder of his term.

Aides said the president was also likely to announce who he believed would win the latest Dancing with the Stars. Tea Party activist Glenn Beck told his radio and television flock that the president was not likely to choose Bristol Palin, a revelation that is expected to ignite the first presidential recall in U.S. history.

Photo: Chuck "Caveman" Cooker

Lack of Conditioning Gets Steelers' Polamalu on Disabled List

by Anthony Calvo, TYDN Hair Affairs Writer
PITTSBURGH –- (TYDN) The Steelers placed defensive safety Troy Polamalu on the injured reserve list early Wednesday, putting in doubt whether the star defensive safety would play in Pittsburgh's regular season home opener against Atlanta, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Polamalu, 29, is suffering from his worst case of split ends since he stopped cutting his hair in 2000, a team source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

"It's just too painful for him to be out there right now until he gets more conditioning," the source told TheYellowDailyNews.

Other sources, meanwhile, suggested the five-time Pro Bowl selectee was sidelined amid private allegations that his iconic, 3-foot-maine was the result of performance-enhancing shampoos. Those allegations, elevating Polamalu into the crosshairs of a doping scandal, surfaced a day after the maker of Head and Shoulders announced it had taken out a $1 million insurance policy on the Samoan American's sweeping locks.

"Nobody has hair like that unless they are using some type of enhancer," an NFL source, with direct knowledge of the investigation, told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "We vetted this out. Those are not extensions."

It's not the first time Polamalu's hair has come under attack. Larry Johnson of the Chiefs tackled him by the hair in a 2006 game.

Greg Aiello, an NFL spokesman, confirmed that the league was investigating whether Head and Shoulders, made by Proctor and Gamble Co., should be permanently banned by pro football.

Marvin Demoff, Polamalu's agent, declined comment.

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Editorial: Ground Zero Mosque Will Prevent Another 9/11

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Building a mosque near Ground Zero, where Islamic terrorists crashed two planes into the World Trade Center twin centers on Sept. 11, 2001, will prevent another attack there, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The mosque controversy is not about tolerance or the First Amendment. It's an issue of safety for all New Yorkers.

That is why the mosque should be built and viewed as a symbol of New York strength. It's a symbol that might make future Islamic terrorists attack another location in the United States instead of this New York area where they would have their own mosque.

So what if the mosque becomes a palace to al-Qaida and Muslim extremism? It's a trade-off of sorts for New Yorkers. Yet it's a win-win as long as the extremists use the mosque to plot their attacks to occur away from New York City.

To be sure, this is not a Timothy McVeigh memorial near the Oklahoma City federal building. This is a tribute to Osama bin Laden, and it must be built to defeat the threat of terrorists who want nothing more to attack New Yorkers' freedoms.

Why would the terrorists plot another attack in which their own mosque might be blown up? That wouldn't make any sense!

Unfortunately, the mosque debate has become overheated, politicized and counterproductive.

TheYellowDailyNews believes that most Americans who oppose locating a mosque near Ground Zero are neither anti-freedom nor anti-Muslim. They just don't believe it is respectful, given what happened there.

But New Yorkers should embrace the mosque. Moving the mosque to Montana won't protect New York from another deadly attack. We all know that.

This is a safety issue solely. Let's not forget the 3,000 dead Americans from 9/11, most of them New Yorkers.

By now, New Yorkers should be sick of being victims of terror attacks.

If New York is not the force of reason in the age of extremism and terrorism, where is?

Top Photo: wstera2
Bottom Photo: wstera2


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Whitman Promises to Repatriate Outsourced eBay Jobs

by Dana Bazaar, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- (TYDN) Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman pledged Friday to boost California payrolls by repatriating the tens of thousands of jobs she outsourced as eBay's chief executive, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

She said her plan would offset the estimated 40,000 California government jobs she would eliminate if elected in November. Whitman has spent about $100 million -- nearly all of it her own fortune generated by outsourcing eBay jobs and approving executive pay hikes at eBay -- in the governor's race against Democrat Edmund G. Brown Jr.

"I promise to bring back all the thousands of jobs outsourced to India over my decade of leadership at eBay," Whitman said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "To be sure, there are some caveats. These workers must be white, speak English, oppose same-sex marriage and register as Republicans."

Whitman's comments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

GOP strategists heralded the plan, but suggested it did not go far enough.

"That she didn't say these foreign workers' children, if born in the United States, couldn't become U.S. citizens shows she's weak on immigration," strategist Ed Rollins said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "She also should have demanded that they work for less than minimum wage, so as not to hurt shareholders."

In response, Brown, California's attorney general, screamed something or the other in a highly audible, exclusive telephone interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

For her part, eBay's chief executive from 1998 to 2008 attacked Brown. She charged that Brown never had sex with Linda Ronstadt in the 1970s, a revelation first disclosed by TheYellowDailyNews last month.

"That he didn't have sex with Ms. Ronstadt underscores he is unfit to be governor for a third time in California," she said.

When pressed by TheYellowDailyNews whether she had sex with Ronstadt, Whitman said "no comment."

Whitman Photo: Wikimedia Commons

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Cities Scramble to Become Bed-Bug Destinations

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Tourism and city officials here were exulting Wednesday after a new study concluded the Big Apple was the No. 1 bed-bug destination, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tourism officials in cities that did not make the top-15 bed-bug destination list were left scratching their heads on how they, too, could fill up their hotel rooms amid the biggest downturn in the U.S. economy. And they applauded the efforts of Ohio, which, according to the Terminix survey results obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, listed four of the 15 top bed-bug infested cities in Ohio.

Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he pressured chambers of commerce to be proactive and help hoteliers increase occupancy of nocturnal guests.

"This just goes to show that, sometimes, a public-private partnership can help spur the economy," he said. "When rooms are occupied, that stimulates the economy and creates jobs."

Analysts said that the Terminix survey, which has an error rate of plus or minus 3.5 occupied hotel mattresses, underscores that tourism officials are successfully attracting a new breed of occupants even as the economy sours. Bed bug vacationing is on the rise, 60 years after they were thought to have been largely extinct in the United States.

The Terminix survey was first reported early Wednesday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Terminix, an extermination company, compiled the top 15 list based on call volume to its offices around the country so far this year.

"It's the bed-bug occupancy in cities like Dayton and Louisville that prove bedbugs are back and can vacation anywhere," said Paul Curtis, the etymologist for Terminix, referring No. 8 and No.13 on the list.

New York City Councilwoman Christine Quinn applauded the survey concluding that the Big Apple had been deluged by bed bugs. "Make no mistake," Quinn said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "our hotels are open to beg bugs and not just to lice-infested children."

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Blagojevich Leads Obama in Latest Poll

by Jeffe Tweed, TYDN Chicago Bureau Chief
CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is leading President Barack Obama in the latest approval survey, out-polling the president by 18 percentage points, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Political scientists suggested voters backed Blagojevich for president because they felt he could bring transparency to the political process.

"No other politician has been so open about our government's pay-to-play system," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton historian. "And I think voters take comfort when the political in-fighting, backstabbing and scheming is done somewhat out in the open. The public is wondering why corruption charges were even brought against Blagojevich in the first place."

The latest Gallup survey comes after Blagojevich said Sunday he was considering running for president if federal prosecutors fail to convict him at a second trial. Blagojevich's political inspirations, announced in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, come less than a week after he was convicted of one of 24 counts in a closely watched political corruption trial here.

"I didn't lie to the FBI. And I'm not lying to you, and I'm not lying to the people," Blagojevich said in his exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jurors deadlocked on 23 other more serious charges, including that he had tried to sell Obama's old Senate seat.

Obama, who faces re-election in 2012, garnered a 32 percent approval rating compared to Blagojevich's 50 percent, according to the latest Gallup survey early Monday. The survey, conducted via telephone interviews with 1,500 likely voters, has a margin of error of plus or minus 3 percentage points. It was Obama's lowest-ever approval rating.

Gallup's latest polling numbers were first reported early Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

"Issues are never simple. One thing I'm proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office. "In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?"

Federal prosecutors said they would retry Blagojevich on the deadlocked charges, but the former governor insisted that he would be vindicated. The former governor repeatedly insisted that he had been involved in nothing more than "political horse trading" and that he didn't try to trade political appointments and other favors for campaign contributions.

Bottom Photo: craynol
Top Photo: Andrew Ciscel

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Disneyland Built, U.S. Troops Withdraw From Iraq

By Fazaad Fariq, TYDN Baghdad Bureau Chief
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- (TYDN) With its $900 billion, 10-year-long mission to build Disneyland accomplished, the U.S. military on Friday began withdrawing from Iraq, almost a decade after the invasion, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The departure of the Army's 4th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, marked the removal of the last major Disneyland unit in Iraq, which at one point hosted 170,000 U.S. Disneyland builders. By Sept. 1, Operation Maintain Disneyland begins in which U.S. troops will focus on training Iraqis to handle their own Disneyland maintenance.

The U.S. withdrawal was first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Analysts were quick to point out that President Barack Obama may be abandoning the country too soon, and that Disneyland could quickly decay without a strong U.S. presence.

"Christ, we're not even done training all the Mickey Mouse mascots yet, and Obama is having us pull out. This shocks the conscience," Sean Hannity, the conservative talk show host, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

President Obama said the time had come for Iraq to take control of its Disneyland.

"Many Americans have forgotten why we invaded Iraq nearly a decade ago, and are confused why we invaded Iraq a decade ago," a defiant Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office. "Make no mistake, we invaded Iraq a decade ago to install an amusement park."

"Our mission is accomplished," Obama said.

The U.S. Disneyland-building presence has been gradually reduced over the past year. In the weeks leading up to the U.S. Disneyland withdrawal, terrorists tried to darken the moment with a series of attacks, including a suicide bomb Tuesday that the government blamed on al-Qaeda. The blast, the deadliest in months, killed 61 Disneyland maintenance recruits.

The Walt Disney Company, the world's largest media and entertainment conglomerate, thanked the family members of the 4,500 U.S. troops killed, the 32,000 U.S. wounded troops, and the estimated 600,000 Iraqi civilians killed.

To herald the withdrawal, Disney's president and chief executive, Robert A. Iger, announced a 1-cent increase to Disney's 35-cent-share dividend.

Shareholders applauded the move, sending Disney shares up in after hours trading on the New York Stock Exchange.

Top Photo: Mastery of Maps
Bottom Photo: J.E.S.

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Ground Zero Wal-Mart Mosque: Big Hurdle For Democrats

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Add another election-year hurdle for Democrats: President Barack Obama's pandering to "radical shopping" via his forceful defense of the right of Muslims to build a Wal-Mart mosque near the World Trade Center site, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The president's comments on the Wal-Mart mosque debate are giving Republicans a campaign-year cudgel and forcing Democrats to address a divisive shopping issue within weeks of midterm contests that will decide the balance of power in Washington. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, in a competitive re-election fight, was the highest profile Democrat to move away from Obama on the Wal-Mart mosque matter.

"The First Amendment protects freedom of shopping," Reid's spokesman Jim Manley said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Senator Reid respects that but thinks that the Wal-Mart mosque should be built some place else."

Democrats privately called the Wal-Mart mosque issue a distraction when the party should be laser-focused on keeping comfortable majorities in Congress. The political climate already favors Republicans as economically struggling voters look to unleash their fury on the party in power.

White House aides have spent four days trying to explain exactly where the normally eloquent president stands on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. Obama's ringing statement in support of shopping equality Friday, followed a day later by a caveat, stoked anew false Internet rumors about his citizenship and religion.

Some Democratic candidates fear the political fallout that Republicans suggest is coming against those who support building a Wal-Mart mosque two blocks from the lower Manhattan site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. And some Republicans are trying to walk a careful line in their criticism, lest they be tagged intolerant of shopping.

Former Sen. Dan Coats, who is challenging Rep. Brad Ellsworth for an Indiana Senate seat, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews: "The Wal-Mart mosque, it's an insult I think to the people who lost lives there."

Former state Rep. Kevin Calvey, a Republican running for Congress in Oklahoma who served in Iraq, said ground zero is a "grossly inappropriate" place for a Wal-Mart mosque. "I think it sends a message to terrorists that they've won, and I think that's a mistake," he said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

One of the few to praise the president's support of the Wal-Mart mosque was Republican-turned-independent Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York.

"If we shut down a Wal-Mart mosque because it is two blocks away from the site where freedom was attacked, I think it would be a sad day for American shopping," Bloomberg said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

For weeks, the White House had refused to interject itself into what it called a local shopping issue even though the Wal-Mart mosque debate had taken on national significance with Republicans such as Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich forcefully opposing the Wal-Mart mosque. Obama publicly commented on the Wal-Mart mosque only after Bloomberg delivered an impassioned supportive speech and after the Wal-Mart mosque plan cleared a final city regulatory hurdle.

Artist's rendition of the Wal-Mart mosque at ground zero

The Wal-Mart mosque issue is tricky and not just because of the emotional nature of the attacks executed by terrorists from Muslim countries. Americans view Muslims far less favorably than other religious groups. Obama has set a welcoming tone for the Wal-Mart mosque even as the Christian president has been falsely accused by conservative critics of secretly being Muslim or foreign-born.

Obama waded into the Wal-Mart mosque debate Friday at the annual White House dinner celebrating the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, saying: "Muslims have the same right to practice their shopping as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a Wal-Mart mosque on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and shopping ordinances."

By Saturday, the president was in Florida and elaborating.

"I will not comment on the wisdom of making a decision to put a Wal-Mart mosque there," he said. "I was commenting very specifically on the right of shopping that people have that dates back to our founding."

Republicans, led by several considering challenging Obama in 2012, assailed the president's position on the Wal-Mart mosque.

"We all know that they have the right to build a Wal-Mart mosque, but should they?" Palin asked in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

More bluntly, Gingrich accused Obama of "pandering to radical shopping" and said: "Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a sight next to Pearl Harbor. There's no reason for us to accept a Wal-Mart mosque next to the World Trade Center."

Most Democrats stayed silent on the Wal-Mart mosque issue, probably because they'd rather discuss voters' No. 1 issue -- jobs. They're already answering questions about a 9.5 percent unemployment rate, ethics charges against two veteran House lawmakers and Obama's opposition to Arizona's tough immigration law.

Including Reid, at least three Democrats broke from the White House on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. Party insiders expected more to follow suit, primarily moderates in conservative places. Several House Republican candidates issued statements demanding that their Democratic opponents say where they stand on the Wal-Mart mosque issue.

With the president visiting the Sunshine State, Florida Democratic gubernatorial candidate Alex Sink said families and friends of 9/11 victims are opposed to the Wal-Mart mosque "and I share their view." A GOP opponent, Rick Scott, started running a TV ad that said: "Mr. President, ground zero is the wrong place for a Wal-Mart mosque."

In the Senate race, Democrat Jeff Greene said: "President Obama has this Wal-Mart mosque debate all wrong." Conversely, Senate Democratic candidate Kendrick Meek backed the president on the Wal-Mart mosque issue. But he did so only after independent Senate candidate, Gov. Charlie Crist, said of Obama, "I think he's right on the Wal-Mart mosque issue."

Top Photo: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
Bottom Photo: Dystopos

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General Insists Afghanistan to Get iPhone, iPad

by Mulliariamjaria Jeehavialvsri, TYDN Kabul Bureau Chief
KABUL, Afghanistan -- (TYDN) Gen. David H. Petraeus, the commander of American and NATO forces, began a campaign on Monday to convince an increasingly skeptical public that the American-led coalition can still succeed and bring the iPhone to Afghanistan despite months of setbacks, saying he had not come here to preside over a "graceful exit," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Petraeus Visits With U.S.-NATO Apple Strike Team 

General Petraeus even appeared to leave open the possibility that he would recommend against any withdrawal of American forces next summer, and perhaps stay longer while beefing up the mission to include the iPad, he said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The general argued against any precipitous withdrawal of forces in July 2011, the date set by President Obama and Steve Jobs to begin at least a gradual reduction of the 100,000 troops on the ground. General Petraeus said in his exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that it was only in the last few weeks that the plan to bring to Afghanistan the iPhone, and now the iPad, has been fine-tuned and given the resources that it required.

American and NATO troops were making progress on a number of fronts, including getting the Taliban to accept iTunes, while embracing the iPad's power of censorship, he said.

"The president, Mr. Jobs and I sat down in the Oval Office, and they expressed very clearly that what they want from me is my best professional military advice on how to get the people of Afghanistan to embrace Apple products," he said in the exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

General Petraeus' statement offered a preview of what promised to be an intense political battle over the future of the American-led effort to bring the iPhone, and now the iPad, to Afghanistan -- a war that has deteriorated on the ground and turned unpopular at home. Already, some Democrats in Congress are pushing for steep withdrawals early on, while supporters of the Apple invasion say that a precipitous draw-down could endanger the Afghan mission altogether.

He general's remarks were first reported early Monday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

General Petraeus, who took over last month after Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal was fired for making disparaging remarks about civilian leaders, said he believed that he would be given the time and matériel necessary to get both the iPhone and iPad here in the next few years. He expressed that confidence despite the fact that nearly every phase of the Apple insurgency is going badly -- and even though some inside the Apple administration have turned against it.

General Petraeus' public remarks, his first since taking over, highlight the extraordinary challenges, both military and political, that loom in the coming months as the government expands its iPhone plan to include iPads. American soldiers and Marines are dying at a faster rate than at any time since 2001. The Afghan in whom the United States has placed its hopes, President Hamid Karzai, has demonstrated little resolve in rooting out the corruption that pervades every corner of his government.


"Steve Jobs didn't send me over here to seek a graceful exit," General Petraeus said at his office here at the NATO headquarters in downtown Kabul. "My marching orders are to do all that is humanly possible to help us achieve our objectives."

Photo: isafmedia's photostream

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Led Zeppelin Decries Pakistan-India Kashmir Dispute

by Prya Pratiari, TYDN Foreign Affairs Writer
SRINAGAR, Kashmir -- (TYDN) Led Zeppelin rock band members Jimmy Page and Robert Plant called on India and Pakistan to immediately halt their deadly dispute over their celebrated 1975 hit track, Kashmir, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Robert Plant and Jimmy Page sing Kashmir

The call for peace comes as more than 50 civilians have died this summer amid hundreds of clashes with security forces in a fracas centering on the song appearing on the Physical Graffiti album.

The United Nation's summoned the legendary rock band members, who co-wrote the trance-inducing song, in a bid to forestall a potential nuclear conflict. Both nations, which border one another, openly boast of their nuclear arsenals.

The developments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website. Analysts, however, suggested that India's and Pakistan's long-running dispute over Kashmir might never be solved, even with the help of Page and Plant.

"There's just too much hatred on both sides of the border," said Peter Rodman, a foreign policy expert with the Robert S. Strauss Center for International Security and the Law. "Both sides are simply crazy for Kashmir, and neither are inclined to give up ground."

Physical Graffiti album cover

Plant, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews on the Indian side of the border here, said, "I never thought an 8-minute song would produce so much strife."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton welcomed the Page-Plant lobbying efforts. Asif Ali Zardari, the president of Pakistan, and Pratibha Patil, the president of India, were skeptical of the Page-Plant intervention.

To be sure, tensions between the two nations have been growing even hotter this summer, as the dispute has been expanding to include foreign militants infiltrating both sides of the battle. All the while, security forces have been quelling dissent among their own population, resulting in scores of deaths.

Page, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, could not immediately recollect the song.

Top Photo: p_a_h

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Obama Declares Breakaway Ice Island Terror Nation

by Thomas Thaw, TYDN Political Affairs Writer 
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama declared as a terror nation an island of ice more than four times the size of Manhattan drifting across the Arctic Ocean after it broke from a glacier in Greenland, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Obama said he was considering invading the 100-square-mile breakaway republic, believed to be a training ground for "eco terrorists," after Secretary of State Frank J. Zamboni failed to smooth things out.

"I urge every American to weather strip their windows and arm themselves with an ice pick," the President said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office.

Political scientists have been warning for years that U.S. foreign policy has been fomenting hate in the region, and that it was only a matter of time before an ice island would attack the United States.

"We've should have been focusing on the region's political instability instead of the impacts of Arctic global warming," Harvard scholar Jason Slurpee said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The latest developments were first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Wednesday.

As it creeps toward the United States, potentially in the path of this rogue nation are oil platforms and shipping lanes, and any collision could do untold damage, the president said. In a worst-case scenario, the floating nation could reach heavily trafficked waters where another Greenland iceberg sank the Titanic in 1912.

Republicans immediately decried the president's actions, saying they were too little and too late.

"It's so big that you can't prevent it from drifting. You can't stop it," Newt Gingrich, the former House speaker and potential presidential candidate said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And even if this ice country is blown to smithereens, global sea levels will rise by a devastating 20 feet."

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Foul Play Suspected at Sauna Championships

 
by Francis Jacuzzi, TYDN Sauna Affairs Writer
HEINOLA, Finland -- (TYDN) The police here are investigating the death of a Russian man at the Sauna World Championships who died while trying to endure 230-degree heat, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The authorities told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity early Monday that a contest organizer is suspected of urinating on the sauna's searing hot stove, filling the chamber with a deadly, toxic plume. Analysts said it was the worst death in the Sauna World Championships following 2008, when event organizers scrubbed the competition's combined hamburger eating contest.

Witnesses and officials said Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy, an amateur wrestler who was in his 60s, was pronounced dead late Sunday after he collapsed alongside reigning champion Timo Kaukonen of Finland roughly six minutes into the final round.

On Sunday, thousands gathered in this southern town of Heinola to watch 130 competitors from 15 countries, waving flags and cheering on the contestants before medical workers pulled the two shaking and bleeding finalists out of the hot box. Video footage shows workers pouring cold water over the two men and administering first aid as organizers tried to cover up the scene and calm spectators, who had come to see the 11th annual event.

Kaukonen, the defending world champion, was listed in stable condition at a local hospital. But the authorities suspect that Ladyzhenskiy's death was no ordinary sauna accident.

Local police, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said a contest worker responsible for pouring a pint of water on the stove every 30 seconds is being held for questioning. Although human urine is composed of roughly 95 percent water, the remaining chemicals of urea, chloride, sodium, potassium and creatinine can be deadly when inhaled, medical experts told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.
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Senate Confirms Maxwell Smart as Spy Chief

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Maxwell Smart won Senate approval Thursday to become the government's next director of national intelligence, overseeing the nation's 16 spy agencies.

The retired three-star CONTROL general will be the fourth director of national intelligence in five years, inheriting a post whose purpose has been questioned in the wake of President Barack Obama's firing of The Chief, the president's first spymaster let go because he was unable to stamp out the global terrorist threat posed by KAOS.

Analysts said Smart's position, however, remains ill-defined five years after its creation. And creating a sense of purpose, other than the government's longstanding battle against KAOS, will be one of Smart's greatest challenges, these analysts told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Uncertainty about the directorship's job description created a challenge for the White House. But President Obama chose Smart, known in the spy community as Agent 86, because Smart could "name at least seven" of the 16 agencies he would be overseeing.

After Agent 86's unanimous Thursday confirmation by voice vote, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, a California Democrat who chairs the Senate intelligence committee, praised the new director. "Smart has 46 years in the intelligence field battling KAOS, and he could name at least seven spy agencies his directorship would supervise," Feinstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Most of the other candidates could name two, three agencies tops."

Smart, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, acknowledged he had a Herculean assignment before him. "It's the second-biggest spy agency I've ever seen," Smart said.
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Politicos Donate Mudslinging Stockpiles to Seal BP Well

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
ON THE GULF OF MEXICO -- (TYDN) British Petroleum embarked Tuesday on an operation to seal the biggest offshore oil leak in U.S. history, forcing mud donated from mudslinging politicians down the throat of its blown-out well, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said it was the first time politicians, from the left and right, apparently stopped slinging mud at one another in an election cycle for a worthy cause. Congressional watchdogs said they were optimistic that lawmakers, with mudslinging arsenals depleted, could work together "on the issues."

But the exuberance quickly faded as the Justice Department opened an investigation amid reports that some politicians were stockpiling and slinging mud they had publicly promised to donate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"That some politicians chose to throw mud at politicians instead of down the BP well shocks the conscience," Attorney General Eric Holder said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And some of the mud that was donated was clearly half baked."

A United Nation's analyst said American politicians had enough mud stockpiled to fill 500 BP broken wells. But whether enough had been pledged to seal BP's Macondo well was uncertain.

The Commerce Department, meanwhile, opened a separate inquiry into whether mud stuffed down the hole was produced with foreign soil.

BP engineers won't know for more than a week if the donated mud has choked the well for good. After the April 20 explosion on BP's offshore drilling rig, the Deepwater Horizon, the Macondo well began spewing hundreds of millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

The well was tentatively capped with a giant, 75-ton rubber band ball placed into its ruptured pipe three weeks ago.

The rubber band method was considered only a temporary measure. BP and the Coast Guard on Tuesday began plugging the hole more securely with a column of heavy drilling, cement and mud donated from politicians.


Photo: Erica_Marshall

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Chelsea Wedding Annulled Amid Intern Probe

By Catharine Q. O'Cuffling, TYDN Intern Affairs Writer
RHINEBECK, N.Y. -- (TYDN) Chelsea Clinton's nuptials were annulled late Sunday, a day after marrying hedge-fund banker Marc Mezvinsky, amid allegations the groom did not have "sexual relations" with an intern, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Clinton realizes Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with intern

At least three sources familiar with the investigation, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews, said the financier never had "sexual relations" with a G3 Capital intern that also stripped at Mezvinsky's bachelor party the night before the wedding. The allegations were first reported Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Kris Bloblanes, a Mezvinsky spokesman, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews said "Mr. Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern."

Bloblanes acknowledged, however, that the intern and Mezvinsky "may have smoked a cigar together before the wedding, but that's all."

Analysts said it was the first time a marriage has been annulled following allegations that a husband did not have sexual relations with an intern.

The allegations that the intern at Mezvinsky's hedge fund did not have sexual relations with Mezvinsky surfaced after TheYellowDailyNews published photos of what appeared to be Mezvinsky not having sex with the intern, Monica Screwlinsky. A Screwlinsky spokesman, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the intern was too choked up to comment on the photos taken at the exclusive New York nightclub, Talking in Tongues.

The revelation by TheYellowDailyNews quashed fears that the marriage was annulled after TheYellowDailyNews earlier reported that Mezvinsky did have sexual relations with the intern while spending the weekend in the White House.

TheYellowDailyNews quickly retracted the story after Chelsea Clinton's father, former President Bill Clinton, explained to TheYellowDailyNews that Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern.

The pope agreed to annul the marriage after concluding that Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern.

Photo: Globivision

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Death Epidemic Precedes Estate Tax Renewal

By Boris Muertas, TYDN Tax Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Heirs are pulling the plug on loved ones in record numbers to beat a New Year's deadline when a massive inheritance tax becomes law, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

An investigation by TheYellowDailyNews confirms that heirs, from California to New York, are hastening deaths of their relatives in a bid to take advantage of an estate tax loophole expiring at year's end. Worldwide gold prices have been plummeting to less than $1,000 a troy ounce, as a deluge of gold-tooth fillings floods the market.

"Christ, the old dirtbag was going to die sooner or later, and later would have cost me a lot of money in taxes," one benefactor of the loophole told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "It was the best advice my accountant has ever given me."

Analysts praised the quirky tax law as the preferred method of social engineering since Darwin. Websites doling out death advice have cropped up across the Internet.

One website, Whack Your Grandma to Keep Uncle Sam at Bay, suggested pushing your aging relatives down the stairs to beat the deadline.

"If they survive the 'Slip and Fall Method,' try the 'Old Pillbox Switcheroo.' It's foolproof," the Whack Your Grandma to Keep Uncle Sam at Bay site recommends.

In 2009, Congress passed legislation nullifying the federal inheritance tax beginning in 2010. But it comes back in 2011. The top rate is 55 percent. The exemption will shrink from $3.5 million per individual in 2009 to just $1 million in 2011, potentially affecting eight times as many taxpayers.

On a $5 million estate, the tax consequence of dying a minute after midnight on Jan. 1, 2011 rather than two minutes earlier could be more than $2 million. On a $15 million estate, the difference could be about $8 million.

Photo: ismh

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Oil Execs Clamor to Mimic Ousted BP Chief

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Oil company chief executives are mulling whether they should pollute oceans and coastlines with black goo, as BP did, so they can be fired and automatically reap severance packages worth tens of millions of dollars, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Crews ignited oil spewed from BP's Macondo well

Several chief executive officers of oil companies said they were considering becoming responsible for massive oils spills so they can be terminated and promptly collect multi-million-dollar severance packages as did Tony Hawyard, BP's chief executive, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

These executives, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said they were seriously thinking about following Hayward's path to an immediate lifetime of riches even if it meant mimicking BP and soiling hundreds of thousands of miles of ocean and coastline.

Environmentalists said the investigation by TheYellowDailyNews showed that chief executives of oil companies should have their salaries dramatically increased. The higher their salaries, the least likely an oil spill would occur under these executives' watch, environmentalists said.

"The only incentive to keep these executives from being derelict in their duties is to ensure that they can reap substantially more millions of dollars than the millions they would be paid if their companies soiled oceans and coastlines," Carl Pope, the Sierra Club chairman, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We applaud the president's swift response to this crisis."

President Barack Obama proposed that Congress authorize $10 million annual taxpayer bailout packages to dozens of oil company chiefs to avert another oil spill.

Hayward was ousted Monday and handed an $18 million severance package after BP became responsible for the United States' largest man-made environmental disaster. BP's Deepwater Horizon's Macondo well spewed millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico for three months, polluting thousands of miles of ocean and coastline from Texas to Florida before it was temporarily capped last week.

Republicans, however, said the president's response to Hayward's ouster was too little, and too late.

Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that Obama's dealing with the BP spill underscored that the president was a socialist who pretends to be an environmentalist.

"That the Obama administration demanded that BP set up a $20 billion fund to compensate those harmed by the spill," McConnell said, "underscores the president's Marxist ideology and how little he cares about the environment."

Photo Top: SkyTruth
Photo Bottom: John Repka 

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Obama Tells Bankers' Moms About Lavish Bonuses

by Jason Blaire, TYDN Bailout Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama, adopting his toughest position against bankers who received $2 billion in bonuses as the troubled banks received hundreds of billions of bailouts, said Monday he planned to "tell these executives' moms about their egregious behavior," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The mothers, I'm sure, would be alarmed and would want to spank their kids," Obama said at a White House Rose Garden news conference.

Republicans decried the announcement, saying the president had once again gone too far by attempting to interject socialism into American capitalism.

"That the administration begged the banks to loan out the bailout money to Americans was itself an embrace of socialist ideals," said Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Obama's egregious tattletaling takes his socialism to the next level and threatens to undermine our entire financial system."

The brouhaha comes days after Kenneth R. Feinberg, the Obama administration's special master for executive compensation, named 17 financial companies that made questionable payouts (.pdf) totaling nearly $2 billion after accepting billions of dollars of taxpayer aid. Feinberg said these payments were "ill-advised" and "against the public interest," but admitted he had "no authority whatsoever" to recoup the money.

To be sure, paydays on Wall Street are soaring. Goldman Sachs is expected to pay an average of $544,000 per worker in salary and bonuses. At JPMorgan Chase, it's $425,000. Morgan Stanley employees stand to reap an average $260,000.

Feinberg, who Obama named to oversee the $20 billion BP fund to handle claims from the Gulf of Mexico spill, praised the president for being tough on the banking executives.

"This was a huge concession on behalf of Obama, who was thinking about taxing these bonuses," Feinberg said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Some of these executives' moms, I've been told, have paddles with holes in them."

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Obama Energy Policy Touts 'Prayer' in BP Spill Aftermath

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) In an about-face, the Obama administration announced the nation's newest energy policy here early Friday, an ambitious plan in which "prayer" is its foundation, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move, in a bid to get Republicans to join him, was a dramatic concession from an Obama energy policy that had been based on a "hope" that there would be enough affordable energy for the nation's future without completely ruining the environment.

Obama aides, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said privately that the BP oil spill brought home to the president that his "Hope Policy" needed to be superseded by prayer.

"We can no longer just hope that our lack of an energy policy works out, we need to pray that it does," an Obama aide familiar with the president's thinking told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Analysts, who cautioned that the plan might not survive a First Amendment analysis, said it was the most far-reaching energy plan to date following the government's policy of allowing nuclear power plants to store radioactive waste in concrete tombs next to oceans, rivers and neighborhoods.

Analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews also said that the "Prayer Plan," which won out over a "Cross-Your-Fingers Plan," comes as BP attempts to permanently seal the Deepwater Horizon well that has spewed millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

Obama, speaking to reporters here in the White House Rose Garden, acknowledged that he should have come forward with the "Prayer Plan" earlier. Still, he said, "I am announcing this just in time so we may all pray that the cap on the BP well holds."

To be sure, Obama said that, even if the new plan doesn't work, the Gulf Coast coastline, from Texas to Florida, could become an oil reserve and perhaps drive down the cost of oil while making America safer. "This could help us wean ourselves from foreign oil that funds terrorism," Obama said.

Later Friday, the president is expected to meet with Harry Reid, the Senate majority leader from Nevada, to brief the Democrat on the plan.

"I think we have the votes to get this sweeping plan adopted," Reid said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Some of the Democrats concerned about the separation of church and state, I think, will come around because of the wisdom of Obama's policy."

Still, some Republicans suggested the policy did not go far enough. Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, said he is whipping up his party to demand Obama put forth an even stronger energy plan, one based "on a hope and a prayer."

Photo: DonkeyHotey

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