Senate Confirms Maxwell Smart as Spy Chief

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Maxwell Smart won Senate approval Thursday to become the government's next director of national intelligence, overseeing the nation's 16 spy agencies.

The retired three-star CONTROL general will be the fourth director of national intelligence in five years, inheriting a post whose purpose has been questioned in the wake of President Barack Obama's firing of The Chief, the president's first spymaster let go because he was unable to stamp out the global terrorist threat posed by KAOS.

Analysts said Smart's position, however, remains ill-defined five years after its creation. And creating a sense of purpose, other than the government's longstanding battle against KAOS, will be one of Smart's greatest challenges, these analysts told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Uncertainty about the directorship's job description created a challenge for the White House. But President Obama chose Smart, known in the spy community as Agent 86, because Smart could "name at least seven" of the 16 agencies he would be overseeing.

After Agent 86's unanimous Thursday confirmation by voice vote, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, a California Democrat who chairs the Senate intelligence committee, praised the new director. "Smart has 46 years in the intelligence field battling KAOS, and he could name at least seven spy agencies his directorship would supervise," Feinstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Most of the other candidates could name two, three agencies tops."

Smart, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, acknowledged he had a Herculean assignment before him. "It's the second-biggest spy agency I've ever seen," Smart said.
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Politicos Donate Mudslinging Stockpiles to Seal BP Well

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
ON THE GULF OF MEXICO -- (TYDN) British Petroleum embarked Tuesday on an operation to seal the biggest offshore oil leak in U.S. history, forcing mud donated from mudslinging politicians down the throat of its blown-out well, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said it was the first time politicians, from the left and right, apparently stopped slinging mud at one another in an election cycle for a worthy cause. Congressional watchdogs said they were optimistic that lawmakers, with mudslinging arsenals depleted, could work together "on the issues."

But the exuberance quickly faded as the Justice Department opened an investigation amid reports that some politicians were stockpiling and slinging mud they had publicly promised to donate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"That some politicians chose to throw mud at politicians instead of down the BP well shocks the conscience," Attorney General Eric Holder said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And some of the mud that was donated was clearly half baked."

A United Nation's analyst said American politicians had enough mud stockpiled to fill 500 BP broken wells. But whether enough had been pledged to seal BP's Macondo well was uncertain.

The Commerce Department, meanwhile, opened a separate inquiry into whether mud stuffed down the hole was produced with foreign soil.

BP engineers won't know for more than a week if the donated mud has choked the well for good. After the April 20 explosion on BP's offshore drilling rig, the Deepwater Horizon, the Macondo well began spewing hundreds of millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

The well was tentatively capped with a giant, 75-ton rubber band ball placed into its ruptured pipe three weeks ago.

The rubber band method was considered only a temporary measure. BP and the Coast Guard on Tuesday began plugging the hole more securely with a column of heavy drilling, cement and mud donated from politicians.


Photo: Erica_Marshall

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Chelsea Wedding Annulled Amid Intern Probe

By Catharine Q. O'Cuffling, TYDN Intern Affairs Writer
RHINEBECK, N.Y. -- (TYDN) Chelsea Clinton's nuptials were annulled late Sunday, a day after marrying hedge-fund banker Marc Mezvinsky, amid allegations the groom did not have "sexual relations" with an intern, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Clinton realizes Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with intern

At least three sources familiar with the investigation, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews, said the financier never had "sexual relations" with a G3 Capital intern that also stripped at Mezvinsky's bachelor party the night before the wedding. The allegations were first reported Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Kris Bloblanes, a Mezvinsky spokesman, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews said "Mr. Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern."

Bloblanes acknowledged, however, that the intern and Mezvinsky "may have smoked a cigar together before the wedding, but that's all."

Analysts said it was the first time a marriage has been annulled following allegations that a husband did not have sexual relations with an intern.

The allegations that the intern at Mezvinsky's hedge fund did not have sexual relations with Mezvinsky surfaced after TheYellowDailyNews published photos of what appeared to be Mezvinsky not having sex with the intern, Monica Screwlinsky. A Screwlinsky spokesman, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the intern was too choked up to comment on the photos taken at the exclusive New York nightclub, Talking in Tongues.

The revelation by TheYellowDailyNews quashed fears that the marriage was annulled after TheYellowDailyNews earlier reported that Mezvinsky did have sexual relations with the intern while spending the weekend in the White House.

TheYellowDailyNews quickly retracted the story after Chelsea Clinton's father, former President Bill Clinton, explained to TheYellowDailyNews that Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern.

The pope agreed to annul the marriage after concluding that Mezvinsky did not have sexual relations with that intern.

Photo: Globivision

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Death Epidemic Precedes Estate Tax Renewal

By Boris Muertas, TYDN Tax Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Heirs are pulling the plug on loved ones in record numbers to beat a New Year's deadline when a massive inheritance tax becomes law, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

An investigation by TheYellowDailyNews confirms that heirs, from California to New York, are hastening deaths of their relatives in a bid to take advantage of an estate tax loophole expiring at year's end. Worldwide gold prices have been plummeting to less than $1,000 a troy ounce, as a deluge of gold-tooth fillings floods the market.

"Christ, the old dirtbag was going to die sooner or later, and later would have cost me a lot of money in taxes," one benefactor of the loophole told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "It was the best advice my accountant has ever given me."

Analysts praised the quirky tax law as the preferred method of social engineering since Darwin. Websites doling out death advice have cropped up across the Internet.

One website, Whack Your Grandma to Keep Uncle Sam at Bay, suggested pushing your aging relatives down the stairs to beat the deadline.

"If they survive the 'Slip and Fall Method,' try the 'Old Pillbox Switcheroo.' It's foolproof," the Whack Your Grandma to Keep Uncle Sam at Bay site recommends.

In 2009, Congress passed legislation nullifying the federal inheritance tax beginning in 2010. But it comes back in 2011. The top rate is 55 percent. The exemption will shrink from $3.5 million per individual in 2009 to just $1 million in 2011, potentially affecting eight times as many taxpayers.

On a $5 million estate, the tax consequence of dying a minute after midnight on Jan. 1, 2011 rather than two minutes earlier could be more than $2 million. On a $15 million estate, the difference could be about $8 million.

Photo: ismh

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Oil Execs Clamor to Mimic Ousted BP Chief

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Oil company chief executives are mulling whether they should pollute oceans and coastlines with black goo, as BP did, so they can be fired and automatically reap severance packages worth tens of millions of dollars, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Crews ignited oil spewed from BP's Macondo well

Several chief executive officers of oil companies said they were considering becoming responsible for massive oils spills so they can be terminated and promptly collect multi-million-dollar severance packages as did Tony Hawyard, BP's chief executive, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

These executives, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said they were seriously thinking about following Hayward's path to an immediate lifetime of riches even if it meant mimicking BP and soiling hundreds of thousands of miles of ocean and coastline.

Environmentalists said the investigation by TheYellowDailyNews showed that chief executives of oil companies should have their salaries dramatically increased. The higher their salaries, the least likely an oil spill would occur under these executives' watch, environmentalists said.

"The only incentive to keep these executives from being derelict in their duties is to ensure that they can reap substantially more millions of dollars than the millions they would be paid if their companies soiled oceans and coastlines," Carl Pope, the Sierra Club chairman, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We applaud the president's swift response to this crisis."

President Barack Obama proposed that Congress authorize $10 million annual taxpayer bailout packages to dozens of oil company chiefs to avert another oil spill.

Hayward was ousted Monday and handed an $18 million severance package after BP became responsible for the United States' largest man-made environmental disaster. BP's Deepwater Horizon's Macondo well spewed millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico for three months, polluting thousands of miles of ocean and coastline from Texas to Florida before it was temporarily capped last week.

Republicans, however, said the president's response to Hayward's ouster was too little, and too late.

Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that Obama's dealing with the BP spill underscored that the president was a socialist who pretends to be an environmentalist.

"That the Obama administration demanded that BP set up a $20 billion fund to compensate those harmed by the spill," McConnell said, "underscores the president's Marxist ideology and how little he cares about the environment."

Photo Top: SkyTruth
Photo Bottom: John Repka 

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Obama Tells Bankers' Moms About Lavish Bonuses

by Jason Blaire, TYDN Bailout Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama, adopting his toughest position against bankers who received $2 billion in bonuses as the troubled banks received hundreds of billions of bailouts, said Monday he planned to "tell these executives' moms about their egregious behavior," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The mothers, I'm sure, would be alarmed and would want to spank their kids," Obama said at a White House Rose Garden news conference.

Republicans decried the announcement, saying the president had once again gone too far by attempting to interject socialism into American capitalism.

"That the administration begged the banks to loan out the bailout money to Americans was itself an embrace of socialist ideals," said Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Obama's egregious tattletaling takes his socialism to the next level and threatens to undermine our entire financial system."

The brouhaha comes days after Kenneth R. Feinberg, the Obama administration's special master for executive compensation, named 17 financial companies that made questionable payouts (.pdf) totaling nearly $2 billion after accepting billions of dollars of taxpayer aid. Feinberg said these payments were "ill-advised" and "against the public interest," but admitted he had "no authority whatsoever" to recoup the money.

To be sure, paydays on Wall Street are soaring. Goldman Sachs is expected to pay an average of $544,000 per worker in salary and bonuses. At JPMorgan Chase, it's $425,000. Morgan Stanley employees stand to reap an average $260,000.

Feinberg, who Obama named to oversee the $20 billion BP fund to handle claims from the Gulf of Mexico spill, praised the president for being tough on the banking executives.

"This was a huge concession on behalf of Obama, who was thinking about taxing these bonuses," Feinberg said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Some of these executives' moms, I've been told, have paddles with holes in them."

Photo: cathleenritt

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Obama Energy Policy Touts 'Prayer' in BP Spill Aftermath

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) In an about-face, the Obama administration announced the nation's newest energy policy here early Friday, an ambitious plan in which "prayer" is its foundation, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move, in a bid to get Republicans to join him, was a dramatic concession from an Obama energy policy that had been based on a "hope" that there would be enough affordable energy for the nation's future without completely ruining the environment.

Obama aides, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said privately that the BP oil spill brought home to the president that his "Hope Policy" needed to be superseded by prayer.

"We can no longer just hope that our lack of an energy policy works out, we need to pray that it does," an Obama aide familiar with the president's thinking told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Analysts, who cautioned that the plan might not survive a First Amendment analysis, said it was the most far-reaching energy plan to date following the government's policy of allowing nuclear power plants to store radioactive waste in concrete tombs next to oceans, rivers and neighborhoods.

Analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews also said that the "Prayer Plan," which won out over a "Cross-Your-Fingers Plan," comes as BP attempts to permanently seal the Deepwater Horizon well that has spewed millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

Obama, speaking to reporters here in the White House Rose Garden, acknowledged that he should have come forward with the "Prayer Plan" earlier. Still, he said, "I am announcing this just in time so we may all pray that the cap on the BP well holds."

To be sure, Obama said that, even if the new plan doesn't work, the Gulf Coast coastline, from Texas to Florida, could become an oil reserve and perhaps drive down the cost of oil while making America safer. "This could help us wean ourselves from foreign oil that funds terrorism," Obama said.

Later Friday, the president is expected to meet with Harry Reid, the Senate majority leader from Nevada, to brief the Democrat on the plan.

"I think we have the votes to get this sweeping plan adopted," Reid said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Some of the Democrats concerned about the separation of church and state, I think, will come around because of the wisdom of Obama's policy."

Still, some Republicans suggested the policy did not go far enough. Mitch McConnell, the GOP Senate majority leader from Kentucky, said he is whipping up his party to demand Obama put forth an even stronger energy plan, one based "on a hope and a prayer."

Photo: DonkeyHotey

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Parents Smash Computers Amid Digital Drug Craze

by Charles Krotchmeir, TYDN I-Dosing Affairs Writer
OKLAHOMA, Kan. (TYDN) -- Parents across the United States began destroying their children's computers Wednesday amid revelations their offspring might be getting high on Internet digital drugs masked as MP3 music files, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The computer devastation followed an Oklahoma News 9 broadcast here the day before that showed kids, some as young as 12, listening to music files that experts said induced a state of ecstasy. The newscast quoted leading drug authorities as saying certain music files found on certain music websites could be the gateway to real-world narcotics.

"Kids are going to flock to these sites just to see what it is about and it can lead them to other places,” Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs spokesman Mark Woodward told Oklahoma News 9 in an exclusive interview.

A firefighter stands guard as parents, school districts ignite computers

Analysts said the frenzied destruction of computers was the biggest such protest following the 1966 "The Jesus Controversy," when John Lennon said the Beatles had become "more popular than Jesus." Like the Beatles records that were smashed and burned, parents were seen whisking away their children's computers and destroying them in fires, with their fists and feet.

"We're seeing protestant-like behavior today that was akin to the height of The Jesus Controversy," said Jason Blaire, a Columbia University revisionist historian. "As then and now, there have been widespread reports of the protesters talking in tongues, too."

The Oklahoma News 9 broadcast was first reported early Wednesday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

To be sure, the Mustang Public School District here is not taking the i-dosing threat lightly.

In response to the Pulitzer reporting from Oklahoma News 9, administrators banned iPods, cell phones and computers in hopes of preventing students from becoming "cyber-drug fiends."

Meanwhile, at least one student was injured during the computer carnage, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

A 14-year-old freshman, whose name was not divulged to TheYellowDailyNews because of his age, was rushed to a local hospital when he got too close to his principal igniting his school's 200 computers, according to sources familiar with the situation, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews. These sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the boy was recently "i-dosing" and had bum-rushed the conflagration of computers while in a delirious state.

"Because of his i-dosing, the flames were crying out to him and calling him to come forward," one source told TheYellowDailyNews. The source told TheYellowDailyNews that the boy, who was listed in critical condition, suffered second-degree burns across 32.7 percent of his body.

Other allegedly more knowledgeable sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews that the boy was not i-dosing but instead was self immolating to protest the protest.

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Sierra Club Sad BP Oil Spill Didn't Soil Malibu

by Peirce Braslalames, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
MALIBU, Calif. -- (TYDN) The Sierra Club said Monday it wished the BP oil spill would have ruined Malibu and the Los Angeles-area coastline instead of the Gulf of Mexico and its surrounding seashore, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Oil drenched pelican off the Louisiana coast

The country's leading environmental group, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, acknowledged it was unfortunate the United States' biggest man-made environmental disaster did not pollute the ocean-front mansions of Barbra Streisand, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton and other celebrities.

"We certainly think the public would have given a shit over the soiling of an ocean and coastline had it blackened the front lawns of Hollywood actors," Carl Pope, the Sierra Club chairman, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "The Hurricane Katrina survivors and their coastline just do not matter compared to Malibu. None of these people even own an iPhone4 for Christ's sake."

Greenpeace, which often has sparred with the Sierra Club over what Greenpeace has decried as the Sierra Club's "milquetoast stances," applauded the Sierra Club's position on the BP oil spill.

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Greenpeace chair Kumi Naidoo said that it was of no environmental consequence that the BP oil spill devastation killed an ocean and blackened coastline a continent away from Malibu -- costing tens of thousands of fisherman and others their livelihoods.

"Our research shows that the majority of these bastards who lost their incomes don't even have HD television," Naidoo added in the exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "These people haven't even bought anything on the Internets and they don't even know what is the difference between Microsoft's and Apple's computer operating system. How whack is that? They deserved this."

BP, the Canadian oil concern whose Deepwater Horizon rig began April 20 spewing as much as 60,000 barrels of oil a day into the Gulf nearly a mile under the sea, disputed the findings of the Sierra Club and Greenpeace.

"Our Macondo oil well rupture could have happened anywhere across the globe," Lamar McKay, BP's president, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's just fortunate for us that the environmental atrocity blackened an area of the United States where, frankly, nobody gives a shit about. That Hurricane Katrina beat us to the punch really drives home that point."

Analysts applauded BP, saying it was the first time the oil concern was candid with the public following the devastating spill that blackened shores from Texas to Florida. In response to McKay's corporate frankness, BP shares reached a 52-week high even as sea life and tarred wildlife washed along the Gulf of Mexico-area shoreline.

The environmental groups, meanwhile, said they might turn negative on BP if its tentative cap that stopped the gusher Friday gives way. "If this Gulf spill begins anew and migrates to Malibu," the Sierra Club and Greenpeace said in a joint statement, " we're going to be pissed."

Photo: etiennecouto

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Jobs Tells iPhone4 Users to 'Speak Slower, Clearer'

by Constance Mellone, TYDN Apple Affairs Writer
CUPERTINO, Calif. -- Apple Inc. chief Steve Jobs said Friday alleged reception problems with his best-selling gadget, the iPhone4, can be alleviated if users "speak slower, clearer and louder," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Jobs, addressing reporters here at the technology giant's headquarters, said user error is causing clarity and call-drop problems with the device, with 1.7 units sold since its June 24 debut.

"People just need to learn to use the device in a certain way, to speak slower, clearer and louder," Jobs said to a huge round of applause from hundreds of technology reporters here. "The phone's users are its only design flaw."

Analysts said it was the first time the Cupertino-based technology concern frankly acknowledged the user-error problem. Moments after Jobs' remarks, Apple's stock soared, reaching a 52-week high.

"Our hats are off to Mr. Jobs for finally coming clean and admitting what the iPhone4 problem was," Sanford C. Bernstein Co. analyst Toni Sacconaghi said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jobs' comments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Apple summoned the media here in a hastily called press conference amid reports that the phone's antenna, when gripped on the lower left side, significantly reduced reception, sometimes dropping calls.

For those unable to use the phone "correctly," Jobs said, Apple would provide a 1-inch-long black strip of electrical tape to cover the lower left corner of the device. Jobs said that should increase antenna reception "despite iPhone4 users who cannot correctly operate the device." And he instructed Apple store employees to be "kinder, gentler" when dealing with iPhone4 users "too incompetent to place a phone call."

The blogosphere immediately blasted the electrical tape overture as not going far enough.

Wired's Gadget Lab complained that the tape was only offered in black. TechCrunch noted that it was unfair to charge iPhone users a $9.99 processing fee for the piece of tape.

Gizmodo, in a terse editorial, said it supported the plan but warned Apple that consumers should not have to "wait more than four hours in line to get their electrical tape."

Photo: Photo Giddy

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Wal-Mart Shoppers Stampede to Buy BP Oil Spill 'Collector' Quarts

by Elaine Pounder, TYDN Wal-Mart Stampede Affairs Writer
NEW ORLEANS (TYDN) – Six people were killed and scores injured at a Wal-Mart stampede here Wednesday as frenzied shoppers jockeyed to purchase "Collector's Edition" bottled quarts of BP oil reclaimed from the Gulf of Mexico spill, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Onlookers said a melee broke out in the automotive section as thousands of shoppers clamored to purchase the $39.99 quarts that went on sale for the first time. Analysts said it was the biggest Wal-Mart stampede since Christmas, when 4 people were killed after being trampled when a Wal-Mart in Laredo, TX., offered a two-for-one special on 18-ounce bags of pork rinds.

A makeshift recovery cap on the Macondo well of BP's Deepwater Horizon has recaptured hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil, some of which has been packaged in quart-sized bottles and placed on sale in selected Wal-Marts nationally. Still, the month-old spill continues unabated after a giant rubber band ball that sealed the gusher gave way days ago.

"It was bedlam," said stampede victim Jason Dorkmorstein, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview as investigators photographed footmarks on his back.

"Christ, I should have bid the $45,000 on Marilyn Monroe's chest x-rays instead," added Dorkmorstein, whose dream for a quart of the largest U.S. man-made environmental disaster was dashed.

The names of the six dead were not immediately released, pending notification of next of kin. A seventh victim, with severe boot indentations along his back, was listed in critical condition. Dozens of others were being treated at area hospitals for broken bones and concussions.

Following news of the Wal-Mart bloodbath, first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Wednesday, Sotheby's immediately announced its "Gulf Spill Tar Ball" and the "Used Oil Spill Cleanup Uniform" auctions with minimum bids set at $2,800.

Las Vegas casinos opened wagering on when the gusher might be contained. Some casinos added an overs-and-unders parlay wager of 95 million gallons of oil spilled. The Las Vegas Gambling Commission halted wagering on whether the spill would amount to an extinction event, decrying it as a sucker bet because winners had no way of collecting their winnings.

Meanwhile, Republicans immediately blamed President Barack Obama for the Wal-Mart disaster, saying the government wasn't doing enough to contain the fallout. The Tea Party decried the melee, saying the deaths were an unfortunate result of overzealous government regulation. Democrats, for their part, opened a probe into whether BP was paying government royalties on the "Collector's Edition" quarts.

Photo: John Repka

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Cold War Wife Swap Boosts Russian, U.S. Relations

by Victor Krevcheko, TYDN Wife Swaping Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON (TYDN) -- In the rapid-fire wife swap, the United States and Russia worked together as only old enemies could, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Less than two weeks after the FBI penetrated the Russian wife ring in a counterintelligence operation seeded a decade ago, 10 Russian secret wives caught in the U.S. are back in Russia; four wives convicted of spying for the West have been pardoned and released by Moscow, and bilateral relations appear to have been re-consummated.

Wife Anna Chapman sent back to Russia

In describing how the wife swap unfolded, U.S. officials made clear that even before the arrests, Washington wanted not only to take down and destroy the foreign wife network but also to move beyond the provocative Cold War moment.

So the U.S. made an offer. Russia was ready to deal, several debriefed and well-positioned administration sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

"The swapping of wives as it was done here is certain to boost relations that might have grown cold through time," one CIA official who was debriefed on the matter told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

In the end, a deal for a wife swap was made after both sides agreed that nothing more could be gained from their wives, FBI and CIA officials told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. To be sure, many U.S. agents wanted to keep probing the Russian wives but international relations won the day.

The detailed case against the network of secret Russian wives was brought to the attention of the White House in February, officials said. On June 11, President Barack Obama was debriefed on the matter and immediately concluded a wife swap was in order.

Well before FBI agents moved to penetrate the wives late that month, Washington had in mind that they might become bargaining chips to free Russian wives imprisoned for betraying Moscow and helping the West.

Channels of communication that once coursed with world-shaking superpower crises were reflexively put into play as a wife-swapping plan was born. Imagine if the U.S. had been caught up in a wife flare-up with Iran instead.

Once in custody, an FBI official familiar with the investigation told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, "We milked the Russian wives for everything they had, so a swap was in order."

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• In First Interview, Palin Says Government 'Too Big'
• SEC Vindicated in Madoff Ponzi Scandal
• Limiting Executive Pay Unfair to CEOs, America
• 'Holy Grail' Twitter Coverage Wins NY Times Pulitzer

iPad Smudge Reveals Jesus Image

by Eleanor Rigby, TYDN Jesus Affairs Writer
LOS ANGELES (TYDN) -- Baton-wielding police garbed in heavy riot gear unleashed tear gas and rubber bullets in a once-quiet Los Angeles suburb Friday in a bid to maintain order as tens of thousands of restless pilgrims awaited a chance to glimpse Jesus who appeared in the smudge of a well-fingered iPad, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The authorities here arrested at least 85 worshippers in what was this city's biggest melee since the Rodney King riots of 1992. Dozens of others were taken to local hospitals to treat minor injuries as the crowd became restless amid concerns the Jesus smudge might accidently be wiped away.

Vatican officials, who were quickly dispatched here from Rome to verify the discovery, told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that it was the first time Jesus' image had been discovered on an iPad, a device many had already believed was next to God. The discovery follows the Vatican's certification of Jesus images found on iPhones, tortillas, trees, pancakes, linoleum table tops, chocolate bars, foggy windows and grilled cheese sandwiches.

"Never have we seen the image of the son of God so pure and clear on such a magical device," Viktor Saintarsky, who holds the Vatican's top post in the Jesus Image Certification Department, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The Jesus image discovery, first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website, was found on a 14-year-old boy's iPad his parents gave him for his birthday three days before. The boy, whose name was not released because he was a juvenile, was in his third straight day of watching hardcore pornography on the device when the image appeared after he set the device down for a 15-minute break.

At least three sources close to the boy, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the boy has gone blind.

Papal scholars said the Jesus image finding came at a critical time, as the Catholic Church was considering sanctioning the wanton molestation of young girls by its priests in a bid to distance itself from running the largest man-boy, child-sex ring in history.

"This latest finding of an image of Jesus couldn't have come at a better point in the church's history," said Jonathan Blotus, an Oxford University religious historian, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's really says a lot that the image of Jesus appeared on an iPad instead of a Kindle."

Photo: John Repka

Exclusive: Jerry Brown Did Not Have Sex With Linda Ronstadt

by TYDN Political Affairs Writer Beth Guber
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (TYDN) -- California Attorney General Edmund G. Brown Jr.'s candidacy for governor imploded Wednesday after it was revealed the lifetime politician did not have sex with Linda Ronstadt in the late 1970s, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Hours after the revelation was disclosed on TheYellowDailyNews' website, the latest Field Poll showed the Brown faithful abandoning the career politician in droves. Pollsters, who had been putting Brown's match at a "dead heat" with Republican opponent Meg Whitman, said Brown's numbers plummeted after voters said they no longer could identify with him.

"Our research indicated that there's basically just one thing voters associate Brown with, and that's copulating with Linda Ronstadt, " Mark DiCamillo, the Field Poll director, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "And he's been California's governor twice, the secretary of state, the attorney general, the mayor of Oakland and he's ran for president I forget how many times."

Analysts said the lack of a sexual encounter between Ronstadt and Brown, who goes by the nickname "Jerry," amounted to the biggest political sex scandal since the Monica Lewinsky affair of 1998, when President Bill Clinton was impeached for having sexual relations with the 22-year-old White House intern.

Brown insiders quickly downplayed the developments, saying the 72-year-old candidate has four months until the November election and enough time to have sexual relations with Ronstadt. But Brown's entourage conceded that, in the meantime, they would change their election strategy.

"Now we intend to focus our message that the candidate is riding on the coattails of his dad, Edmund Gerald Brown Sr., who was also governor," a well-placed Brown operative, requesting anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews. "In addition to Brown living vicariously through his dad, we also intend to stress that he was, and will be, Governor Moonbeam."

To be sure, the news was also a major blow to reporters covering California's race for governor.

"The press has been hypnotized by the Ronstadt angle for so many years, I think it might be difficult for it to focus on Brown's political actions for the last four decades while he was in elected office," Bruce Cain, a University of California at Berkeley political scientist, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I think the media might have a really hard time doing that."

Apple Tells Store Employees to Be 'Kinder, Gentler'

by Abagail Applegate, TYDN Apple affairs writer
CUPERTINO, Calif. (TYDN) -- Apple Inc. is ending its in-store workforce edict that required employees to be "rude, demeaning and arrogant," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Financial analysts immediately decried the move, first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Monday, saying customers may distance themselves from purchasing Apple products if they are no longer belittled by sales representatives.

"That has always been a part of the Apple customer experience," one analyst told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "This changes everything."

The iPhone 4 line outside a Manhattan Apple store

Apple's futures were plunging in pre-market, holiday trading as experts debated the soundness of the point-of-sale changeover at the world's largest technology company by market share. United States exchanges were closed Monday for the July 4 holiday weekend.

Some analysts speculated the change of heart is connected to Apple CEO Steve Jobs' battle with pancreatic cancer – speculation that sent Apple's shares even lower.

The marketing changeover follows complaints by Amnesty International that the Cupertino-based electronics concern "treated like cattle" the hundreds of thousands of Apple faithful who waited for hours in lines across the globe to purchase the iPhone 4 two weeks ago.

Several law enforcement departments opened inquiries after thousands of iPhone purchasers, waiting in line for hours, were stung by cattle prods wielded by Apple employees to keep order. The criminal probes were quickly closed as customers, ecstatic with their purchase of the allegedly antenna-defective devices, declined to press charges.

All the while, Depend, the maker of adult diapers, reported a spike in sales ahead of the June 24 launch of the third-generation iPhone, causing its stock price to surge.

The new employee edict from the Cupertino-based electronics concern came a week after TheYellowDailyNews disclosed internal Apple documents demanding that in-store employees treat customers with a "rude, demeaning and arrogant attitude that belittles them."

In response, in July 4 memo to the workers at Apple's 288 stores worldwide, Jobs told employees to be "kinder, gentler when dealing with customers," according to the memo obtained by TheYellowDailyNews

The blogosphere immediately decried the edict, pointing out that it did not apply to Apple's telephone representatives.

"Listen up, moron, we're out of iPhone 4s," an Apple representative told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive telephone interview early Monday.

Photo: National Library NZ

Kagan Admits 'Sky is Blue,' Imperils Confirmation

by Jonothan Aplomb, TYDN Supreme Court affairs writer
WASHINGTON (TYDN) -- Supreme Court-nominee Elena Kagan conceded here Friday on her fourth day of confirmation hearings that "the sky is blue," a surprising revelation about her judicial temperament that Republicans and some Democrats said verged on judicial activism, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Kagan, tapped by President Barack Obama to replace the retiring John Paul Stevens, is believed to be the first high court nominee in the nation's history to espouse a viewpoint during a senate confirmation hearing. Republicans and a handful of Democratic senators suggested Kagan's answer to a question about meteorology underscored that she's a judicial activist unfit to sit on the nation's highest court.

"This outrageous statement, that she says the color of the sky is blue, underscores that she has already made up her mind on that issue, and is likely to vote on cases from a personal, not legal, viewpoint," Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Alabama, the ranking minority member on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's an alarming position because the sky isn't always blue."

Insiders, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, suggested Kagan's once-certain confirmation is now clouded in uncertainty.

Until Friday morning, Kagan, the nation's solicitor general, was viewed by many here to have sealed her confirmation. During her first three days of hearings, the former Harvard Law School dean had distanced herself from appearing to be a judicial activist. She had refused to answer a barrage of legal questions about her beliefs on any subject.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada, in response to calls that the president withdraw Kagan's nomination in a scandal dubbed "Sky is Blue-gate," implored senators to remain levelheaded.

"I have reminded them that Ms. Kagan has declined to address questions about the First Amendment, the Second Amendment, the Third Amendment, the Fourth Amendment, the Fifth Amendment, the Sixth Amendment, the Seventh Amendment, the Eighth Amendment, the Ninth Amendment, the Tenth Amendment, the Eleventh Amendment, the Twelfth Amendment, the Thirteenth Amendment, the Fourteenth Amendment, the Fifteenth Amendment, the Sixteenth Amendment, the Seventeenth Amendment, the Eighteenth Amendment, the Nineteenth Amendment, the Twentieth Amendment, the Twenty-first Amendment, the Twenty-second Amendment, the Twenty-third Amendment, the Twenty-fourth Amendment, the Twenty-fifth Amendment, the Twenty-sixth Amendment and the Twenty-seventh Amendment," Reid said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

"This shows that she is not a judicial activist and highlights that the confirmation process is alive and well," Reid added.

Kagan's gaffe came at the end of four days of grueling peppering from Judiciary Committee members, who also asked her views, but got no response, about slavery, immigration, school segregation, child pornography, abortion, gun control, civil procedure, criminal procedure, the death penalty, voting rights, states rights, civil rights, free-speech rights, intellectual property and a host of other issues.

In what Reid described as "politically underhanded and objectionable," Sen. Jon Kyl, R-Arizona, asked Kagan if she agreed with him "that the sky is blue?"

A dramatic tone of silence befell the hearing room, as onlookers wondered how Kagan would respond.

"The good senator from Arizona," Kagan replied, "you are correct, the sky is blue."

Photo: Dominic's pics

Rubber Band Ball Plugs BP Oil Spill

by Arial Crudo, TYDN BP Oil Spill Affairs Writer
HOUSTON (TYDN) -- A giant rubber band ball early Wednesday sealed the British Petroleum Deepwater Horizon well that had been spewing millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico since April 20, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The rubber band ball, which officials declined for national security reasons to disclose how many rubber bands it was composed of, was lowered more than a mile under the Gulf offshore here and tightly lodged into the 21-inch-wide ruptured wellhead. The move capped the largest man-made environmental disaster in U.S. history, resulting in a slick of black goo covering some 2,500 miles of ocean and soiling beaches as far away as Florida.

The capping came a day after President Barack Obama declared the oil spill an illegal terror organization, ordering banks to freeze its assets while asserting the urgency to contain the enemy spill was akin to the search for Osama bin Laden.

Meantime, the giant, red-and-green ball was ready to seal the Deepwater Horizon disaster a month ago after a New York elementary school student responded to a Pop-Tart's "Plug the BP Leak" competition. The contest drew a host of other entries, including student suggestions to use giant gum balls, huge spit balls, little sisters, principals, dead cows and even BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward's yacht -- with him in the pilot's cabin.

With every plugging effort failing and no parents willing to sacrifice their daughters, scientists believed the rubber band ball, as a last-ditch effort, would do the trick. But the plan was tentatively idled as the Environmental Protection Agency spent weeks submitting the synthetic rubber ball to environmental testing.

Several EPA officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews they were initially wary of the rubber band ball. Dubbed "The Giant Rubber Band Ball," these EPA officials feared the petroleum-byproduct-based ball might begin to leach petroleum byproducts into the Gulf of Mexico.

"That's the last thing we wanted on our hands, adding more contaminates into the Gulf," a well-placed EPA official, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, told TheYellowDailyNews. "We feared we could take a lot of heat for that, so we demanded that the rubber bands be environmentally safe."

Americans were ecstatic that "The Giant Rubber Band Ball" appeared to be holding, even a dozen hours after divers stuffed it into the spewing, broken wellhead.

Jose Marijuanovitch, a 22-year-old unemployed Corpus Christi fishmonger, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that he now doesn't feel as guilty filling up his '79 Chevy that gets 16 miles per gallon.

"Before this spill, when I filled up I only thought I was contributing to the drug trade, gun trade, terrorism and oppression in some godforsaken oil-producing nations," he said as he filled up at a local BP station. "Then, after the spill, I also started feeling bad for all that sea life and coastline being destroyed right here in the U-S of A."

"The Giant Rubber Band Ball" photo by scphoto365

iPad Review: It's Orgasmic, Delicious, Sassy, Erotic

by Dylan Pear, TYDN Gadget Affairs Writer
Apple Inc.'s latest gadget, the iPad, offers an intoxicating, sensual and titillating user experience right from the start, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The iPad beckons to be groped from all sides, top to bottom

Our review found that foreplay with iPad is recommended, but not necessary. This deliciously curvaceous gadget gets turned on with minimal fingering, and can keep going for hours.

"We want to marry it," decried Wired's technology review blog, Gadget Lab. "Anything less is adultery."

A New York Times headline exclaimed, "Gadget Envy." Michael Arrington's TechCrunch said the "iPad blows" while Gizmodo proclaimed "This Sucks."

The iPad's neatly trimmed and glistening box opens to a quivering landscape begging to be groped over and again. Our testing included fingering iPad's pert body in many positions, even upside down. Its sweet scent kept up us coming for more. And we did.

The iPad's near-edible curves beckon to be fondled, to be pinched and to be stroked in just the right sultry positions.

By reason of necessity, this reporter began imagining baseball scores – all to no avail.

In the end, the iPad also performed well on our lap, on the desk, on the couch, on the bed and even on the breakfast table. It even performed well in a motor vehicle, both moving and parked.

The iPad likes it dirty, too. So avoid showering with it.

In all, we highly recommend this bold, erotic and sassy $500-plus gadget. It's not for the meager.

Pope Urges 'Bygones' in Man-Boy Sex Scandal

by Chester Botherling, TYDN Papal Affairs Writer
VATICAN CITY -- (TYDN) "Bygones," Pope Benedict XVI said during a pre-Easter homily here Sunday as he urged the world to forgive the Catholic Church for running history's largest man-boy child-sex ring, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The pontiff, who spoke in Latin, Italian and English to thousands of worshippers crowded here, urged forgiveness of a church that for centuries sanctioned priests and its elders to rape tens of thousands of innocent young boys.

Pope Benedict XVI said rapist priests
should be praised for not using condoms

Benedict, however, said the church should be applauded for sticking by a key tenet and forbidding its sodomizing priests from using condoms. And just as much as the church deplores homosexuality in its flock, the pope said the church is now adopting that position within its own ranks.

"These homosexual acts by our priests can no longer be tolerated, and for that we seek to let bygones be bygones," the Pope said to a cheering crowd. "But when it came to wearing rubbers, we stood by our conviction that birth control was the Mark of the Beast."

Vatican experts said the speech marked the first time the church has assured its millions of followers that it has been practicing what it was preaching by shunning birth control. Some analysts, however, said that the policy could open a Pandora's box of problems as the church migrates to sexually abusing girls.

Still, the Holy See urged the flock to redeem itself by paying for the church's sins through donating to its Sex-Abuse Legal Settlement Fund.

What's more, Benedict was praised for his candor when he said church members who have been informed of the sex scandal must cleanse themselves of "the sinful and shameful act of thinking about priests sexually exploiting young boys, some of whom were deaf, dumb and blind." The Pope said local churches throughout the world will hold extra collection-plate services Easter Sunday to enable followers to rid their minds of the "shameful thoughts of priests sodomizing frightened boys."

Following the pope's 45-minute homily, the Vatican issued a decree to its hundreds of thousands of parishes to begin adapting after-school "altar girl" programs to reassure the flock of "the church's sincerest promise that it would no longer tolerate unspeakable acts against churchgoers' sons."

Photo: Sam Herd

Gays Exult Over New "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Regs

by Dexter Petzvol, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
KABUL, Afghanistan -- (TYDN) An exhausted Josh Senstein takes a long drag from a Marlboro and stares as the smoke dances into the war-torn sky, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Senstein, a 19-year-old Army private reared on an Iowa corn farm, is gay and was exulting over the military's new and relaxed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

"This vindicates what I've been saying all along: even gays have the right to fight in foreign wars and get our heads blown off just like straight people," Senstein said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews as he wiped blood from his rifle's bayonet. "I'm not sure what the hell we're doing in this God-forsaken country, or what the hell we're fighting for. But that doesn't matter because it's now OK to be gay in the military."

Senstein's comments echoed those of dozens of gay servicemen and servicewomen TheYellowDailyNews interviewed here Friday in the mean-streets of Kabul, where temperatures where soaring past 100 degrees. The interviews came a day after the Defense Department released regulations that will limit the circumstances under which a service member can be investigated and discharged from the military under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

"When they send me into the next firefight, and whether I'm killed or maimed, I'll know the brass now has my respect and admiration," Jenn Jenolavy, an 18-year lesbian Army private from Walla Walla, Wash. said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "When I'm out here on the streets hunting and being hunted by the Taliban, having firefights with God knows who and defusing bombs left and right, it makes me feel better that our leadership is gaining a newfound respect for gays and lesbians."

The new "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" regulations will have a tangible impact on the thousands of lesbian and gay service members currently serving in silence, under threat of being investigated and discharged. The new regulations raise the level of the commander authorized to initiate a discharge investigation, revise the threshold for third-party allegations and for credible information.

Nowhere were the new regulations more welcomed than here on this Kabul roadside, where 12 U.S. soldiers were killed and eight others maimed by an explosive hidden inside a suicide bomber's jacket. One survivor, James Hollander, a 19-year-old Army private from Birmingham, Ala., said the new "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy removed some of the pain from just losing his left leg from the torso down.

"This is a win-win for us scrubs out here on the front lines," Hollander said. "And I'm not even gay."

Photo: nukeit1

Russia, U.S. Slashing Nuclear Arsenals

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Russia and the United States are agreeing to slash their nuclear arsenals to the lowest levels in half a century -- a move dramatically reducing the number of times each nation could blow up the planet, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Negotiators from both countries, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the former Cold War warriors have agreed to reduce deployed strategic warheads by more than one-quarter and launchers by half.

Perhaps as early as Friday, President Dmitri Medvedev and President Barack Obama are expected to finalize a deal that experts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews said would mark the first time since the thawing of the Cold War that each nation would be capable of having only enough firepower to blow up the planet 1,000 times.

"Every man, woman and child should now feel safer because of this far-reaching deal," a Kremlin attaché told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Still, hawks from both nations told TheYellowDailyNews privately they were concerned that the proposed deal might provide fodder for Russia, the United States or some "rogue" nation to launch a nuclear attack.

"The more nuclear weapons there are the least likely they'll be used," a White House hawk connected to the Obama administration told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "This treaty is beginning to erode the long-held principle of Mutually Assured Destruction, and might lead us down a perilous path of doom."

The new 10-year pact, requiring ratification from legislatures in both countries, would replace the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty of 1991, or Start, which expired in December, and further extend cuts negotiated in 2002 by President George W. Bush in the Treaty of Moscow.

Under the new pact, according to people briefed on it here and in Moscow, within seven years each side would have to cut its deployed strategic warheads to 1,550 from the 2,200 now allowed. Each side would cut the total number of launchers to 800 from 1,600 now permitted. The number of nuclear-armed missiles and heavy bombers would be capped at 700 each.

(TYDN Kremlin Affairs Writer Victor Montoblan contributed to this report from Moscow.)

Photo: ThaFridge

Bank's CEO Search Skids Amid Toilet-Paper Flap

by Anil Whipple, TYDN Bailout Affairs Writer
CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- (TYDN) Bank of America Corp. suffered a setback in its 10-week search for a chief executive after talks with the leading outside candidate ended over a dispute concerning toilet-paper thickness, forcing the board to reconsider two internal contenders, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Robert Kelly, the CEO of Bank of New York Mellon Corp., had jumped ahead of two top BofA executives to become the leading candidate to succeed Kenneth Lewis, who is set to retire at year's end, people familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

But even after BofA paid back the government's $45 billion bailout, in part to free it from pay limits so it could attract a top-notch CEO, the bank's board and Mr. Kelly couldn't reach a deal on how thick the toilet paper should be in the bank's Charlotte, North Carolina executive suite. Mr. Kelly had asked for a paltry pay package of about $20 million annually, but also demanded hefty 6-ply toilet paper, people with direct knowledge of the negotiations told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

"The board was OK with the $20 million a year but decided 5-ply toilet paper was the limit so discussions with Mr. Kelly have ended," at least three sources with direct knowledge of the deal told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "A gold-plated toilet was one thing. But 6-ply, that shocks the conscience."

Economists said it was the first time in recent memory a major U.S. company exercised outstanding corporate governance practices to curtail waste and protect its assets.

Shares of BofA soared in extended trading on the New York Stock Exchange. President Obama immediately praised the banking concern.

"I've been bashing bankers for months and this act of corporate responsibility wipes the slate clean," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

A White House spokesman declined to confirm or deny reports that the Oval Office is stocked with 7-ply.

Meanwhile, following Mr. Kelly's decision to withdraw from consideration, BofA directors may tap either Chief Risk Officer Gregory Curl or Brian Moynihan, president of consumer and small business banking, people familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews.

Sources said these candidates were willing to accept a board-mandated 5-ply tissue limit so long as their compensation package included a "personal hygienic" bathroom assistant. The $20 million annually salary deal would also provide an exit package of $25 million no matter how well BofA or its stock performs.

Environmentalists hailed the proposal, saying 5-ply toilet tissue "is the greener route to go."

Photo:  The Consumerist

Sales of Golf Club Woods' Wife Used Soar

by Duff Green, TYDN Golf Affairs Writer
BEAVERTON, Ore. – (TYDN) Sales of Nike golf clubs like the one Tiger Woods' wife used to beat him silly are soaring just in time for the holiday season, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The sales boost came days after Woods' wife, model Elin Nordegren, pounded him and his vehicle with a Nike Victory series iron after a tabloid reported the golfing sensation may have been cheating on his trophy wife, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Florida sources close to the investigation, speaking on condition of anonymity, said it was a 5-iron, the club for "long and low line drives of about 180 yards."

The New York Times reported a 6-iron while USA Today, citing "sources familiar with the investigation," said the club was a putter. The Associated Press, meanwhile, quoting at least four sources "with direct knowledge of the incident," said Nordegren wielded a Callaway Golf Co. iron, sending Nike into a public-relations frenzy.

Phil Knight, Nike's chairman, responded in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that a Nike iron was indeed the culprit.

"Yes, Nordegren smacked Woods upside the head with one of our clubs," Knight said. "Any other brand of club would have killed him. Our clubs would never do that. They're unique."

Knight's confirmation lifted Nike's shares higher on the New York Stock Exchange.

A Florida Highway Patrol source said the agency is declining to file charges against the model.

"That's a privilege to get beaten by someone who looks like that," the source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews. "Christ sakes, she's not Elena Bobbit."

Meanwhile, Nike said the entire Woods Victory line has been selling like hotcakes since the Friday melee as wives stock up on the clubs for their husbands' Christmas gifts.

At least three Nike sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews that many of the wives buying the clubs have nicknamed them "reminder clubs."

"These woman," the Nike source said, "say the clubs are about their love for their mate and a 'reminder' of sorts for their husbands of what they've got coming if they stray."