Porn Stars Decry iPad Retina Display

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CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Thousands of porn stars, some carrying placards reading "Apple Out of My Uterus," picketed outside Apple Inc. headquarters here Friday to protest the new high-resolution "retina display" iPads that analysts contend shows viewers "too much genitalia information," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Police square off with porn stars protesting new iPad

The new iPad, with more than 3 million sold in three weeks, sports a 9.7-inch screen with a 2048 x 1536 display -- about twice the quality of an HD television. That's enough pixels to show porn starlets' every pimple, mole, pubic hair, stretch mark, dirty feet and even dental decay.

Analysts said the protest underscores an anomaly with the latest iPad, a device produced generally for porn viewing at home, in the park, on the subway or at work. That's because porn aficionados by the hundreds of thousands have stopped watching porn after having seen their favorite performers' imperfections displayed on the iPad3, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The iPad1 and the iPad2 were a boon for the porn industry, and now the iPad3 appears to be a bust for the $5 billion industry.

Baton-wielding, and tear-gas launching local police said they made as many as 100 arrests. Twelve scantily clad protestors were taken to nearby hospitals, and were treated and released for minor injuries, the authorities said.

"Christ, a lot of people thought porn stars' bodies were so perfect that they were next to God," porn analyst Peter North said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That is until now with the new iPad. It's showing too much genitalia information, and it's starting to turn a lot of porn addicts off."

Apple shares tumbled in after-hours trading as news of the protest spread.

Porn starlet Cherry Garcia-Viagra, one of the picketers, said the newest iPad routinely highlights razor burns in her pubic region. "This makes it harder and harder for me to play the role of a 13-year-old virgin," Garcia-Viagra, the star of Teenies Do Weenies, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

In response to the picketing, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the gadget maker would donate 10,000 iPads to porn addicts to help them cure their addiction.

Meanwhile, state lawmakers across the country are mulling legislation requiring sex offenders to keep a fully charged iPad3 in their residences at all times.

Photo: Adam Scotti/Flickr

Judge Says Execution Drug Needs FDA Approval

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WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) A federal judge Thursday blocked the importation of a drug used in executions on grounds the Food and Drug Administration has not tested the narcotic to determine if it is safe, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

U.S. District Judge Richard Leon sided with lawyers for condemned inmates who want to keep out sodium thiopental, because the highly potent sedative is an unapproved drug manufactured overseas.

"The FDA has not approved this dangerous and potent narcotic that will kill you by merely looking at it, so it cannot be used in executions," Leon wrote.

Analysts said it was the most rational death-penalty decision since 1978, when the Supreme Court ruled that executions did not breach the Eighth Amendment ban on cruel-and-unusual punishment.

The American Civil Liberties Union applauded the decision. "This might prevent unwarranted overdoses in the execution chamber," the group's executive director, Anthony Romero, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The lone U.S. maker of sodium thiopental, Hospira Inc., halted production of the drug last year. The drug, marketed as a heavy sedative, was used off-label by corrections officials in executions across the country until its production halted.

Judge Leon's decision marked the first time a judge has demanded FDA approval of execution drugs.

The Obama administration told Judge Leon that the FDA has no jurisdiction over lethal-injection drugs. What's more, the administration argued that the dose of sodium thiopental administered to condemned inmates in dozens of states is enough to kill a man, and it is the first of a death-inducing, three-drug cocktail.

"What Judge Leon's decision means is that this death drug must go through the FDA approval process," White House spokesman Josh Earnest said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Perhaps Judge Leon should volunteer as a subject as part of the approval process."

Leon ruled the FDA ignored federal law when it approved at least seven shipments of sodium thiopental without first ensuring that the drug was safe and effective, as required by FDA regulations. He ordered five states that had imported the drug -- Arizona, California, South Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee -- to send their batches to the FDA.

Photo: T. Darrell Sullivan Photography/Flickr

Apple Cultists Popping Ritalin Ahead of iPad3 Unveiling

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SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Psychiatrists are doling out attention-deficit drugs in record numbers to cultists consumed over the latest iPad that Apple is set to unveil next month, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the most exhaustive analysis of its kind, psychiatrists across the globe are writing an unprecedented number of Ritalin and other prescriptions to members of the Cult of Mac to calm their anticipation of a device that is rumored to feature a high-definition 2048 x 1536 "retina display" and possibly 4g internet connectivity.

It was the first increase in demand for attention-deficit drugs following the October death of Apple chief Steve Jobs.

Many of the attention-deficit prescriptions are being given to the so-called Apple Fanboys to help control themselves over thoughts of whether they should begin standing in line at their local Apple store in hopes of being the first to purchase the ground-breaking device, which could go on sale perhaps as early as March 7.

A large number of cultists have also been medicated to help calm anxieties over their never-ending thoughts of whether the iPad3 will sport a camera capable of recording 1080p video, whether the device's battery life would be improved, and whether the iPad would be a millimeter thinner and an ounce lighter in weight.

Analysts were quick to blast the analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, accusing it of not being the most exhaustive analysis of its kind.

"This report, by accident or not, leaves out critical information on whether the pills are being distributed to Apple cultists consumed about the new iPad's internal processor," American Psychiatric Association spokesman Linda Sustantivo said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It's a big deal whether the iPad will sport a dual-core or quad-core A6 processor. What was TheYellowDailyNews thinking?"

Meantime, as the new iPad launch date nears, an increasingly large number of the Apple cult are checking themselves into mental institutions because they simply cannot cope with anticipation about whether the iPad will come in white, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.
Photo: marindow.fowler/Flickr

Match.com Terminates 'God-Awful-Looking Ugly' Daters' Memberships

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DALLAS, Texas -- (TYDN) Online dating company Match.com is dropping memberships to millions of customers deemed "God-awful-looking ugly," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Hazel Feawich is outraged by Match.com's policy

The decision by the Dallas-based online dating site, with 20 million members, means 19,999,999 customers are expected to be terminated from the service Tuesday afternoon, on Valentine's Day.

Gary Kremen, the site's founder, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the decision was based on complaints from its members that they were being hooked up with "God-awful-looking ugly people who couldn't get a date anywhere else."

"We take those complaints seriously. So we reviewed our site and discovered that, indeed, it was full of God-awful-looking ugly people," Kremen said. "We don't want to be known as the dating site for God-awful-looking ugly people."

The revamped site will prevent God-awful-looking ugly people from joining by employing patented image filters to block God-awful-looking ugly people from uploading their God-awful-looking ugly pictures to the site, according to at least three well-placed Match.com officials with direct knowledge of the new technology who told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Hazel Feawich, a 53-year-old Match.com customer who was terminated from the site on accusations of being "God-awful-looking ugly," told TheYellowDailynews exclusively that she was outraged by the news, which means she'll be alone on Valentine's Day.

"It simply shocks the conscience," she said, "that this site is preventing me from dating somebody who is God-awful-looking ugly."

Photo: patrick h. lauke

Whitney Houston Still Dead

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Whitney Houston 1986 Photo: tm_0001

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. -- (TYDN) Whitney Houston, who ruled as pop music's queen until her majestic voice and regal image were ravaged by drug use, erratic behavior and a tumultuous marriage to singer Bobby Brown, is still dead. She was 48, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Houston's body was found Saturday in her 4th floor room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel here. As of Monday, multiple sources with direct knowledge of Houston still being dead told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that Houston was still dead, and that an autopsy was being conducted to determine the cause of Houston still being dead.

That Houston was still dead was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Monday.

Two people who are members of Houston's family said the singer's body will be taken home to New Jersey late Monday for a funeral to be held at week's end, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The two spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because they weren't authorized to speak for the family and funeral arrangements weren't complete.

Now that Houston is confirmed still dead, the Houston family members said Houston's family has raised the possibility of holding a wake Thursday and funeral Friday at Newark's Prudential Center, according to these well-placed Houston family members with direct knowledge of the funeral planning who requested anonymity and were granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because the Houston family did not authorize these Houston family members to speak to TheYellowDailyNews.

CIA Demands Apple Disable Siri From Speaking Persian

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WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Fearing a wave of iPhone-assisted terror plots, the Central Intelligence Agency is pressuring Apple Inc. to disable its popular smartphone voice-assistant, Siri, from speaking Persian, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The agency believes Siri, if widely adopted by the Taliban or other Middle Eastern terrorists, also likely would be used to automatically remind terrorists to commit jihad. The Siri technology -- well-placed CIA officials told TheYellowDailyNews late Thursday -- is already providing Middle Eastern-based terrorists the directions and locations to carry out suicide-bomb plots.

According to these CIA officials who requested anonymity and were granted anonymity by  TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the intelligence assessment, jihadists could employ Siri to text-message fellow jihadists that they're on their way to committing the next 9/11.

"It simply shocks the conscience that Apple is enabling the iPhone to become a terrorist's assistant that provides suggestions on nearby places to bomb," a top-ranking CIA official briefed on the intelligence told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "Christ, the iPhone already informs terrorists about the weather, and now Siri asks terrorists 'what can i help you with.'"

The CIA intelligence assessment is another blow to the Siri technology, which is also coming under widespread fire from civil rights advocates.

TheYellowDailyNews Acquires TYDN.COM

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NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Award-winning news source TheYellowDailyNews has acquired tydn.com to expand its global watchdog reach, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TheYellowDailyNews pressmen celebrate tydn.com purchase

The purchase of tydn.com, including its thousands of reporters and editors at 50 news bureaus worldwide, is expected to solidify TheYellowDailyNews as a worldwide news leader, sources inside TheYellowDailyNews told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and were granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

The move comes two months after TheYellowDailyNews purchased the Los Angeles Times and shuttered it without anybody noticing.

Terms of the tydn.com deal, which included a new printing press and other high-tech patented technology, were not immediately disclosed.

'Productivity App' Outpaces 'Porno' as Leading Internet Search Term

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SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Internet users allot more time searching for and downloading productivity apps than they spend actually being productive, a discovery leading several researchers to conclude that the “to-do” applications may be counterproductive and provide a false sense of productivity, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts said the Gartner’s Group’s study, with a plus or minus margin-of-error rating of 3.5 percent, for the first time highlights that the term “productivity app” is searched more often than “big boobs” and “hotties” on all the major search engines.

“Employers before had to worry that their employees wasted time at work surfing for porn,” Fred Forrester, a productivity app researcher for the Gartner Group, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. “Now, we’re seeing a ton of time being wasted searching for, using and downloading productivity apps. Online porn searching and downloading seems so yesterday.”

The research, released by the Gartner Group early Tuesday and provided exclusively to TheYellowDailyNews, also shows for the first time that the average internet surfer spends five hours weekly searching for the ultimate productivity app. They spend another two hours per week moving their “to-dos” from one application to another, and another hour a week cursing that the app won’t sink across multiple platforms, such as from a smart phone to a computer.

The apps have names like Tasks, Ultimate Tasks, Tasker, To-do, Ultimate To-do, To-dos, Ultimate To-dos, The List, The Big List, Remember the Bread, and Don’t Forget to Take Out the Trash.

Design Flaw Delays World Trade Center Until 2026

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NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The agency building the new World Trade Center says a design flaw likely means the project won't be complete until 2026, a decade later than originally planned, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The World Trade Center here in Lower Manhattan was attacked and destroyed by al-Qaida operatives who hijacked airplanes and crashed them into its towers on Sept. 11, 2001, killing thousands. Following the devastation, the United States invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, stripped U.S. citizens of many civil liberties and declared a global war on terrorism.

In response to the Port Authority's announcement that it had forgotten to build bathrooms and install plumbing for the 90-story structure, President Barack Obama said Wednesday the delay only underscores America's resolve against terrorism.

"That it will only take 25 years to erect a building shows that America can never be defeated, and that no matter what happens, America will rebuild expeditiously," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Youths Watch Thousands Die During NBA Game Commercials

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Youths watching a single National Basketball Association game on cable television witness thousands of people being maimed, slaughtered, raped and murdered in violent video-game commercials, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The commercials advertise video games with titles such as Assassin's Creed, Kill Everybody, Slaughter the World, I'm Gonna Kill You and Your Family, and I'm Gonna Kill My Family After I Kill You and Your Family, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the first and most exhaustive analysis of television violence during NBA commercials.

Cable outlet channel TNT blasted the study, saying it was shortsighted and overlooked thousands of other non-video-game deaths in NBA game commercials -- such as the violence in scary movie commercials.

"That the TheYellowDailyNews' study found that only video-game commercials show wanton carnage, destruction and death on TNT commercials during NBA games simply shocks the conscience, so much so that the study should be invalidated altogether," TNT spokesman Jose Muerto said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

NBA Adopts No-Cry Rule

by Darrell Rakein, TYDN NBA Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The National Basketball Association on Monday adopted a "no-cry" rule that awards free throws to opposing teams when a player visibly cries because he did not like the referee's call, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The rulebook change, which was first disclosed on TheYellowDailyNews' website, was greeted by Las Vegas casinos immediately halting wagering on NBA games until they could examine the ramifications of the new regulation, dubbed the "Kobe-Lebron" rule.

The NBA said it had adopted the change in a bid to create parity among the league's 30 teams.


"Two of the league's best players, Lebron James and Kobe Bryant, cry after every call. So this rule will give free throws to opposing teams and hopefully make games against the Heat and Lakers tighter, and the league a less lopsided one," NBA spokesman Mike Bass said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Using Electronics Built By Slaves, Online Protesters Ding Twitter On Censorship Announcement

by Howard Schlumpinsky, TYDN Internet Affairs Writer
SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Armed with smart phones and computers built by third-world indentured servants and child slaves, the American online community is blasting Twitter for agreeing to censor tweets in foreign nations to comport with local law, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


Twitter's announcement on its blog -- which was broadcast to the world via computers powered by oil produced by despotic regimes, and servers built by subsistence-wage workers in totalitarian nations -- was met with staunch disdain by much of the online American public.


"That Twitter would acquiesce to this grave human rights violation and agree to censor some tweets simply shocks the conscience," blogged Arnold Davidisnky, a 20-something San Francisco computer engineer adorned in designer clothing produced by overseas sweat shop workers as young as 7 years old.


Davidisnky's sentiment was seemingly shared internet wide.


"Twitter needs to set an example that human rights violations of censorship cannot be tolerated," tweeted somebody going by the Twitter handle @invisibleirony.

Poll: GOP Voters Siding With 'Least Heinous' Candidate

by Dexter Futzmery, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- (TYDN) Likely GOP primary voters polled here following the GOP presidential debate said Friday they plan next week to choose the "least heinous" of the four candidates, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TheYellowDailyNews' telephone survey of 150 likely GOP voters for the first time highlighted a positive shift in U.S. voting habits. In past surveys, voters said they would vote for the "less evil" candidate.

Analysts said the statistically significant study, with a plus-or-minus margin of error rating of 3.5 percentage points, underscored that Americans were embracing the political process and beginning to view politicians as only heinous instead of evil.

"I think the study clearly shows that American politics is moving in the right direction, that Americans are starting to have more faith and are feeling better about their choices for government office," Cal State Fullerton historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

EXCLUSIVE: Gingrich Lied, Concedes He Has No 'Personal' Friends

by Dexter Futzmery, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- (TYDN) GOP presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich conceded Thursday that he lied a week ago when he told a national, televised audience that he had "personal" friends, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Analysts suggested that the revelation, first reported by TheYellowDailyNews on its website, was among the biggest political scandals since President Bill Clinton said he did not have sex with intern Monica Lewinsky.

The Gingrich brouhaha started last week when CNN's John King questioned the candidate if it was true that in 1999 he asked his then-wife Marianne Gingrich for an open marriage so that he could continue having an affair with his girlfriend, Callista.

"Now, let me be quite clear. Let me be quite clear. The story is false. Every personal friend I have who knew us in that period says the story was false," an angry Gingrich told King.

State of the Union: Obama Warns Iran on iPhone Ambitions

by James Burns, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) As Europe was ferrying battleships to the Gulf, President Barack Obama used his State of the Union speech Tuesday night to ramp up pressure on Iran's pursuit of the iPhone, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The president warned Iran that America would focus on Tehran's disputed iPhone program with "no options off the table," but said the door remained open to talks for a peaceful resolution.

The President's comments came as European nations sent an international flotilla of warships, led by U.S. carriers, through the sensitive Strait of Hormuz on Sunday as a "clear signal" to Tehran that the iPhone was off limits. A report by the U.N. watchdog International Atomic Energy Agency this month suggested that Iran has been pursuing the iPhone since Apple Inc. unveiled the gadget in 2007.

Meantime, the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press found that American's believe Iran is pursuing the iPhone as a precursor to securing the iPad or perhaps the MacBook Pro.

In his State of the Union, Obama told Congress that Tehran was isolated and facing "crippling" sanctions that he said would continue so long as Iran kept its back turned to the global community and continued its pursuit of the iPhone.

Mitt Romney To Pay $2.99 In Taxes For 2010-2011

by Marinol Mota, TYDN Business Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Venture capitalist and GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney released his 2010 tax returns Tuesday and an estimate for 2011 showing he is likely to pay $2.99 in taxes on income of $42.5 million over the two-year period, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The tax records show Romney and his wife, Ann, paid an effective tax rate of 0.00001 percent on their adjusted gross income in 2010. The estimate is the same for 2011.

Analysts said it marked the first time in the nation's history that a presidential candidate had ever paid taxes.

Well-placed Romney campaign operatives, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said Romney is expected to seize on the publication of his tax returns in the upcoming GOP presidential debates.

"He will highlight the injustice of him being taxed $2.99 by showing that he could have paid his limo driver an extra 3 cents a week had his income not been taken from him and given to welfare crack moms," a Romney campaign official with knowledge of the upcoming debates said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Landmark Decision: Supreme Court Says Something About Something

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that something about something requires some type of action by something, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The far-reaching 125-page decision -- with a 5-4 majority opinion, a 4-5 concurring opinion and a separate solo opinion -- came five years after the Supreme Court first addressed the topic in a ruling that many legal observers suggested at the time would spark more litigation, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the most advanced legal analysis on the topic to date.

Legal observers concurred Monday, and said the court's latest opinion clearly spelled out for the first time that something about something requires some type of action by something.

"This is a watershed, landmark opinion that will forever change the face of legal doctrine about whether something about something requires some type of action by something," Harvard scholar Burt Lacksdale said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Markets Cheer Turning World's Last Tree into Cash

by Gina Raporamama, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK — (TYDN) Stocks skyrocketed Friday when the Federal Reserve announced it had secured the rights to the world’s last living tree, enabling the Fed a final opportunity to print more cash to give to banking executives, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Stocks had fluctuated wildly during the trading day until the Fed said it had agreed to give $1 million to an elderly Sonoma, Calif., woman in exchange for the rights to log a giant sequoia from her yard -- the world's last standing tree. Following the global financial collapse, world governments, including the United States, have gobbled up the world's timber resources to process it into cash to dole out to financial executives.

When the closing bell rang, advancing stocks outpaced losing issues by a 4-to-1 margin.

In after-hours trading, however, stocks began to lose ground when environmentalists sued, alleging the 300-foot, 200-year-old tree likely could not be logged until an environmental impact study was conducted to determine the impact on the Spotted Owl and spawning salmon.

Gillette Drops Porn Star Who Refused to Shave Pubic Hair

by Ragina Manniheim, TYDN Theater Affairs Writer
HOLLYWOOD -- (TYDN) Gillette, the popular maker of disposable shaving razors and creams, is dropping its $1 million endorsement of a popular porn actress who shocked the world when she performed in her latest film with unshaven pubic hair, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Annaliah Mickdilda

The announcement from Gillette came a week after TheYellowDailyNews, citing anonymous porn industry sources, first disclosed that Annaliah Mickdilda would star in the critically acclaimed Butt Destroyers III with pubic hair that had not been manicured for weeks.


Industry analysts said the brouhaha marked the first time in modern porn history that a starlet appeared in a top-notch porno with pubic hair. 


Porn industry analysts, meanwhile, also said it was the biggest sponsorship scandal to rock the porn industry since 2005, when the Trojan rubber that actor Big Ben was performing in burst on the set of Do Your Neighbor's Mom.


"Mickdilda has clearly breached her contract, which demands she be manicured," Gillette spokesman Richard Sharpinsky said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That she would perform unshaven frankly shocks the conscience."


Leigh Steinberg, Mickdilda's agent, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that he would demand binding arbitration with the Porn Industry Pubic Hair Review Board. Steinberg added that Gillette was being unreasonable.


"Nearly all of the 60-minute feature amounted to Mickdilda performing hardcore anal sex," Steinberg said. "Her pubic hair was barely visible during the entirety of Butt Destroyers III."

Analysis: Supreme Court Would Look ‘Dumb’ Televised

by Momosa Fabrekante, TYDN Legal Affairs Writer 
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The U.S. Supreme Court repeatedly resists calls to televise its proceedings because the court would appear to viewers as dumb, out of touch and devoid of reality, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


The high court’s nine justices have opposed airing their proceedings, publicly saying that doing so could compromise decorum, alter what are normally sedate proceedings and would prompt litigators and perhaps the justices to play to the camera.


But new evidence, based on an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews that included reviewing more than 200 years of precedent and protocol, has found that the justices refrain from airing oral arguments because they don’t want the public to see how inane the process is, and how completely out of touch it is to everyday Americans.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor

Analysts said TheYellowDailyNews’ investigation was the first time the media has seriously questioned the high court’s broadcasting policy in the modern era.


“Nobody would have a clue as to what we’re talking about,” one of the justices said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. “We use words like ‘affirm’ all the time to mean ‘execute him.’ Joe Sixpack cannot process that.”


Until now, a leading yet little-discussed theory about why the court was not televised concerned Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s generous use of hair activator.

Urinating Marines Face Court Martial for Not Defecating on Taliban Corpses

by Gomer Pilon, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Obama administration said Tuesday it was considering courts-martial for the four U.S. Marines who only urinated but did not defecate on corpses of Taliban fighters, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


At least three administration officials, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the Marines face execution for failing to defecate on the bodies of insurgents they killed in Afghanistan.


Military analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said the Marines' failure to evacuate their bowels on the dead is the biggest act of treason since 1953, when Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed for passing along atomic bomb information to the Soviets. These military analysts, meanwhile, said the upcoming court martial marked the first time servicemen would be tried in a military tribunal for failing to defecate on Taliban fighters.


The Naval Criminal Investigative Service is investigating the authenticity of a 85-second video of the marines emptying their bladders on three dead Taliban. The video was obtained exclusively by TheYellowDailyNews and posted on its website last week.


Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos called the lack of defecation "wholly inconsistent with the high standards of conduct and warrior ethos that we have demonstrated throughout our history."

Attention-Deficit Drugs in Short Supply

by Cybil Atencion, TYDN Mental Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Medicines to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder are in short supply, TheYellowDailyNews has learned, leaving patients so worried about their next dose that they have begun taking anxiety drugs. 


The shortages are a result of an oversight by drug manufacturers, and a Drug Enforcement Administration paying no attention to thousands of consumer complaints. Analysts, speaking on condition of anonymity to TheYellowDailyNews and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said it's the first time a shortage of attention-deficit drugs was paid no attention to by government regulators and drug manufacturers. 


"We have never seen this," a well-placed government official with direct knowledge of the shortage said on condition of anonymity. "Wait, what was the question again? Can you repeat the question?" 


Caught in between are millions of children and adults who rely on the pills to help them stay focused and calm. Shortages, particularly of cheaper generics, have become so endemic that some patients say they worry almost constantly about availability, forcing them to pop anxiety medications as well.

Auction Set for Bin Laden's Effects

by Thornhille Broom, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The treasure trove of personal items and effects seized from Osama bin Laden as American forces assassinated the al-Qaeda chief last month are to be auctioned, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Sought-after items going to the highest bidder next month include "top-notch" print and video porn with titles like Virgins Rock and Suicide Virgins seized from the terrorist's Pakistani hideout; bin Laden's personal manifesto Theory and Practice: Talibanism and Porn Collecting; tens of thousands of bomb-making ingredients and instructions; and a draft of his latest treatise, Why Talibanism Allows Me to Collect Porn But Says You Should Be Killed For Having Porn.

The auction, to be conducted July 1 by the CIA on eBay, is expected to fetch substantially more than the $232,000 paid during an online auction last week for Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski's writings and other personal material seized from his Montana cabin, analysts noted in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews.


These analysts, continuing with their exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said a key reason why is that bin Laden is responsible for killing thousands. The Unabomber, who had led the authorities on the nation's longest, costliest manhunt before his brother tipped off the police in 1996, only killed three people.


"I mean, come on, which stuff would you rather show off to your friends, the Unabomber's manifesto or bin Laden's porn collection?" John McCickey, a consignment director at Dallas-based Heritage Auctions, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let's face it, if it weren't for bin Laden, Kaczynski's stuff would have sold for a lot, lot more."

Bin Laden Raid Yields Trove of Hardcore Porn

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The assault force of Navy SEALs snatched a trove of hardcore pornography stored in computer drives and disks during their weekend raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound, yielding what a U.S. official Wednesday called "the mother lode of all porn collections," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Top-notch" porn found in bin Laden's hideout

White House counterterrorism adviser John Brennan said the U.S. commandos who stormed the northern Pakistan compound where bin Laden had been holed up took "whatever material we thought was appropriate and what was needed."


The special operations forces grabbed personal computers, CDs, DVDs, thumb drives and electronic equipment during the lightning raid that killed bin Laden, he said. A task force was being set up at the CIA to comb through the evidence seized in the raid, according to a senior intelligence official who briefed TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.


"You can't imagine what's on Osama bin Laden's hard drives and a giant stack of DVDs a mile high," one official connected to the assassination told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "One hundred of our best men are examining the material in Afghanistan right now, hoping to uncover intelligence."

President's Popularity Wanes: Americans Wanted Bin Laden Killed Twice

by Clair Thurgood, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama's popularity briefly spiked and then dramatically dropped early Tuesday, more than a day after the chief executive revealed the United States had killed Osama bin Laden only once, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an exclusive TYDN telephone survey, with an error rating of plus-or-minus 3.5 percentage points, the president's polling numbers had dropped to their lowest level ever in the nation's first presidential survey following bin Laden's single assassination. Among other questions, the poll asked Americans whether they thought bin Laden's head should have been used in the next World Cup soccer match, or whether the terrorist should have been killed at least twice.

Bin Laden, whom the government believes was the mastermind behind the 2001 terror attacks on the United States, was killed by American forces in Pakistan in retaliation for the 3,000 dead Americans his 9/11 plot left behind. But the nationwide celebrations that erupted after the president's announcement late Sunday quickly turned to anger when Obama revealed the military had dumped bin Laden's body in the ocean instead of killing him a second time, according to the TYDN poll of 5,000 likely voters.

"Our survey showed that Americans are really angry at Obama for not killing him twice, and this may hurt his re-election bid," said TYDN pollster Heimrich Schmendrick, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Remember, potential presidential rival Donald Trump has said all along that he would have killed bin Laden three times if he were in charge."

The TYDN survey found that 68 percent of those polled were disappointed with the president's handling of the bin Laden assassination because bin Laden was not killed at least twice. Another 15 percent were undecided on whether he should have been killed twice.

Some dovish respondents said bin Laden's head should have been placed in a vice and slowly tightened in front of a worldwide television audience.

About 10 percent of those polled had never heard of bin Laden.

Photo: secretagent007

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Japan Raises Nuclear Plant Crisis Severity to 11

By Hideus Nucleau, TYDN Nuclear Affairs Writer
TOKYO -- (TYDN) Japanese authorities on Wednesday raised the severity rating of the nuclear crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi power plant to one notch higher than the highest level on an international scale -- a rating greater than the 1986 Chernobyl disaster, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Officials from Japan's nuclear agency reclassified the ongoing emergency from Level 10, an "accident with off-site risk," to Level 11, "a major fucking accident."

At a Tokyo news conference, Hidehiko Nishiyama, the chief of Japan's Nuclear and Industrial Safety Agency, emphasized that radiation released from Fukushima amounted to barely enough radiation to "possibly" kill anyone exposed, compared to even more deadly radiation released from Chernobyl.

A Level 10 accident, according to the International Nuclear and Radiological Event Scale (INES), is typified by a "major release of radioactive material with widespread health and environmental effects." A Level 11 accident, according to the International Atomic Energy Association, is considered a "major fucking accident that makes us wonder why we harness nuclear power."

Masataka Shimizu, president of Tokyo Electric Power Company, TEPCO, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that cleanup crews were working around the clock.

"We should have the contamination contained in about 10,000 years," Shimizu said.

Atomic energy experts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, suggested Shimizu was being overly optimistic. The 12-mile radius surrounding the plant won't be contaminate-free for more than 12,000 years, these experts said in the exclusive interviews.

Once the contamination subsides, urban planners are mulling building homes, shopping malls and office complexes on the site, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. Some planners privately have suggested an amusement park.

But that plan has been tabled because the Walt Disney Co. won't build parks atop exploded atomic energy plants, according to internal documents reviewed by TheYellowDailyNews.

Prime Minister Naoto Kan, however, is proposing rebuilding a new nuclear plant over the old one, a proposal Kan insiders said was meant to give a boost to Tokyo Electric shares, which rebounded in after-hours trading.

"If there's another accident, man-made or environmental -- if you can separate the two distinctions -- the surrounding populace won't suffer as much because it's already been nuked generations before," he said in a televised address to the nation.

The reassessed severity rating to 11 applies to only three of Fukushima's six units -- Nos. 1, 2 and 3, which have all sustained core damage. Each of those, on March 18, had been initially given a Level 5 rating. At the same time last month Japan gave a Level 3 rating to unit 4, which remains unchanged.

The IAEA cautioned that Japan could still change its ratings as more information becomes available. Hironobu Unesaki, a professor at the Kyoto University Research Reactor Institute, said those reactors' levels should have been elevated sooner. The government, he said, is being too cautious in a bid not to cause public panic.

"These go to 11," he said.

Photo: Abode of Chaos

Wikileaks Threatens to Debunk Santa

by Omar Radicchio, TYDN World Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Parents across the world were bracing on Christmas Eve for document-spilling site Wikileaks to make good on its promise to release a treasure trove of documents suggesting Santa Claus was not real, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The possible disclosure, dubbed Santagate, came weeks after Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said he would take revenge on society for not "totally and completely" embracing how pretty he is.

The potential document disclosure, possibly coming just hours before Santa Claus is expected to descend upon millions of chimneys, threatens to end a holiday tradition dating to the founding of the Hallmark greeting card, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The looming demise of Christmas was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Friday.

The Federal Reserve Board, meanwhile, called an emergency meeting Friday to assess the economic damage if Assange pulls the trigger. President Barack Obama blasted Assange, saying in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the possible document dump "would amount to the biggest act of economic terrorism the world has ever seen, making 9/11 look like a birthday party by comparison."

Some analysts were describing the looming revelation as a "powder keg," one that could amount to the biggest Wikileaks unveiling since it debunked the Easter Bunny last year.

"If Assange is going to release these documents, he should redact out the name 'Santa Claus.' Just too much is at stake here. This is a powder keg in the making," said Wikileaks analyst Boca Gossipher, in an exclusive telephone interview from Geneva with TheYellowDailyNews.

Parents across the world were praying that Assange would not ruin their Christmas. Jews took the upcoming apocalypse in stride, wondering what all the fuss was about.

Assange, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he would release the Santa Claus cache within the next few hours unless the men's magazine, GQ, posted a photo of him on its website declaring him "Pretty Boy of the Year."

"If Time magazine won't declare me "Man of the Year," then GQ better step up to the plate," Assange said. "I'm pretty. Just look at me."

GQ did not return repeated messages questioning whether it would save Christmas.

Exit Poll: Voters Choosing the 'Lesser Jackass'

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Dozens of voters descended on polling stations across the nation Tuesday on Election Day, pulling the lever for who many said was the "lesser jackass," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

From Alabama to Rhode Island, voters told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive exit-poll interviews that they casted their ballots to prevent the bigger jackass from taking office.

"Both candidates for Congress in my district are complete jackasses, so I picked the one that I believed was the lesser jackass," one California voter, requesting anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive exit-poll interview.

Such sentiment was echoed across the country. In Montana, for example, voter James Loosier made his way to his polling station by enduring a snow flurry to make sure the lesser jackass would get elected.

"I honestly believe my candidate will muck things up a lot, but a lot less than the other jackass," Loosier told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I'm feeling really good about my choice for the lesser jackass."

Political scientists said it was the first time the electorate appeared to be informed about the candidates. For decades, analysts said, voters' decisions had too often been based on campaign commercials and neighborhood signage.

"This shows that democracy is alive and well in America," said Harvard University political scientist Hans Votamota, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "When the lesser jackass wins, so does democracy."

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Senate Fails to Repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

by Sonia Reynoso, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON – (TYDN) Saying there were hundreds of thousands of straight men and women they could send to foreign wars, Senate Republicans dealt a severe and potentially fatal blow Tuesday to efforts to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which bans gay men and women from serving openly in the armed forces, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Democrats were unable to sway a single Republican to begin debate on the defense authorization bill that included the repeal. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs suggested that Republicans objected to the measure for personal, not political, reasons.

"No matter how high and fast they waive the flag, the GOP just doesn't want their sons and daughters in the military," Gibbs told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

After the measure's failure, thousands of gays celebrated outside, breathing a sigh of relief. "I don't want to be in a foxhole with a bunch of breeders. That's disgusting," said Joy Lesploitanala, a 19-year-old gay woman who was planning on moving to Canada had the law passed, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The failure to repeal the law, despite White House backing and majorities in Congress, marked a low point in the more than decade-long effort to rid a policy begun under President Bill Clinton. Democrats thought this was their best chance to undo the 17-year-old measure after President Obama had won the support of Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and other military leaders to get rid of it.

"Just because they can't marry, doesn't mean gays shouldn't serve in the military and possibly get maimed, mutilated or killed in the name of foreign policy," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

A senior Republican Senate aide, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said that although some GOP lawmakers don't necessarily oppose repeal, they don't want to act before a Pentagon review of the proposed policy change has been completed.

A source familiar with the Pentagon review, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the report is expected to show that, if gays and lesbians are aloud in the military, thousands of high-ranking military officers would be aloud to continue serving.

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BP Well Executed by Lethal Injection

by Libby McRaid, TYDN Death Penalty Affairs Writer

SAN QUENTIN, Calif. -- (TYDN) Five months after it began spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico, BP's mass-murdering Macondo oil well was executed by lethal injection Sunday as thousands of death-penalty opponents picketed outside this aging prison here, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Death chamber moments before BP well's execution

Retired Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen, head of the joint task force that oversaw the execution, issued a statement saying that the well expired at 5:54 AM Central time. The well was sent to death row after it exploded April 20, killing 11 workers and ultimately releasing more than 170 million gallons of oil into gulf waters.

Admiral Allen said the well was handed the ultimate form of punishment as a deterrent to other wells considering blowing up and killing more workers and marine life.

Execution witnesses said the well, wearing shackles, was brought into the prison's death chamber, where executioners strapped it down. There was a brief delay after one of the executioners ran to a nearby Walgreens to purchase rubbing alcohol, which was necessary to prevent the well from getting an infection from the poison-laden catheters.

The condemned well's death was first reported Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

A priest who read the condemned prisoner's last rights said the well requested fried chicken, French fries and a fried Twinkie for its last meal. Relatives of the victims were incensed after the warden read the well's last words: "This is slick."

As the three-drug cocktail began flowing into the well, family members of the well's victims began clenching their fists, hoping it would be a painful well death. "This whole process seemed too humane. I would have shot that well on sight, then shot it again months ago," a victim's relative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews after the execution in an exclusive interview.

Outside the prison walls, thousands decried the execution as "barbaric."

"What if DNA evidence shows that this well is not the culprit? Death cannot be undone," Anthony Romero, the executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

About 35 people were arrested outside prison gates after death-penalty foes clashed with death-penalty proponents.

One death-penalty proponent was listed in critical condition at a local hospital after several death-penalty opponents were seen clubbing him with baseball bats.