Monday, January 23, 2012

Landmark Decision: Supreme Court Says Something About Something


by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that something about something requires some type of action by something, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The far-reaching 125-page decision -- with a 5-4 majority opinion, a 4-5 concurring opinion and a separate solo opinion -- came five years after the Supreme Court first addressed the topic in a ruling that many legal observers suggested at the time would spark more litigation, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews, the most advanced legal analysis on the topic to date.

Legal observers concurred Monday, and said the court's latest opinion clearly spelled out for the first time that something about something requires some type of action by something.

"This is a watershed, landmark opinion that will forever change the face of legal doctrine about whether something about something requires some type of action by something," Harvard scholar Burt Lacksdale said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Markets Cheer Turning World's Last Tree into Cash


by Gina Raporamama, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK — (TYDN) Stocks skyrocketed Friday when the Federal Reserve announced it had secured the rights to the world’s last living tree, enabling the Fed a final opportunity to print more cash to give to banking executives, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Stocks had fluctuated wildly during the trading day until the Fed said it had agreed to give $1 million to an elderly Sonoma, Calif., woman in exchange for the rights to log a giant sequoia from her yard -- the world's last standing tree. Following the global financial collapse, world governments, including the United States, have gobbled up the world's timber resources to process it into cash to dole out to financial executives.

When the closing bell rang, advancing stocks outpaced losing issues by a 4-to-1 margin.

In after-hours trading, however, stocks began to lose ground when environmentalists sued, alleging the 300-foot, 200-year-old tree likely could not be logged until an environmental impact study was conducted to determine the impact on the Spotted Owl and spawning salmon.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Gillette Drops Porn Star Who Refused to Shave Pubic Hair


by Ragina Manniheim, TYDN Theater Affairs Writer
HOLLYWOOD -- (TYDN) Gillette, the popular maker of disposable shaving razors and creams, is dropping its $1 million endorsement of a popular porn actress who shocked the world when she performed in her latest film with unshaven pubic hair, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


Annaliah Mickdilda
The announcement from Gillette came a week after TheYellowDailyNews, citing anonymous porn industry sources, first disclosed that Annaliah Mickdilda would star in the critically acclaimed Butt Destroyers III with pubic hair that had not been manicured for weeks.


Industry analysts said the brouhaha marked the first time in modern porn history that a starlet appeared in a top-notch porno with pubic hair. 


Porn industry analysts, meanwhile, also said it was the biggest sponsorship scandal to rock the porn industry since 2005, when the Trojan rubber that actor Big Ben was performing in burst on the set of Do Your Neighbor's Mom.


"Mickdilda has clearly breached her contract, which demands she be manicured," Gillette spokesman Richard Sharpinsky said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That she would perform unshaven frankly shocks the conscience."


Leigh Steinberg, Mickdilda's agent, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that he would demand binding arbitration with the Porn Industry Pubic Hair Review Board. Steinberg added that Gillette was being unreasonable.


"Nearly all of the 60-minute feature amounted to Mickdilda performing hardcore anal sex," Steinberg said. "Her pubic hair was barely visible during the entirety of Butt Destroyers III."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Analysis: Supreme Court Would Look ‘Dumb’ Televised

by Momosa Fabrekante, TYDN Legal Affairs Writer 
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The U.S. Supreme Court repeatedly resists calls to televise its proceedings because the court would appear to viewers as dumb, out of touch and devoid of reality, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


The high court’s nine justices have opposed airing their proceedings, publicly saying that doing so could compromise decorum, alter what are normally sedate proceedings and would prompt litigators and perhaps the justices to play to the camera.


But new evidence, based on an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews that included reviewing more than 200 years of precedent and protocol, has found that the justices refrain from airing oral arguments because they don’t want the public to see how inane the process is, and how completely out of touch it is to everyday Americans.


Justice Sonia Sotomayor
Analysts said TheYellowDailyNews’ investigation was the first time the media has seriously questioned the high court’s broadcasting policy in the modern era.


“Nobody would have a clue as to what we’re talking about,” one of the justices said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. “We use words like ‘affirm’ all the time to mean ‘execute him.’ Joe Sixpack cannot process that.”


Until now, a leading yet little-discussed theory about why the court was not televised concerned Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s generous use of hair activator.

Urinating Marines Face Court Martial for Not Defecating on Taliban Corpses


by Gomer Pilon, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Obama administration said Tuesday it was considering courts-martial for the four U.S. Marines who only urinated but did not defecate on corpses of Taliban fighters, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.


At least three administration officials, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said the Marines face execution for failing to defecate on the bodies of insurgents they killed in Afghanistan.


Military analysts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said the Marines' failure to evacuate their bowels on the dead is the biggest act of treason since 1953, when Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed for passing along atomic bomb information to the Soviets. These military analysts, meanwhile, said the upcoming court martial marked the first time servicemen would be tried in a military tribunal for failing to defecate on Taliban fighters.


The Naval Criminal Investigative Service is investigating the authenticity of a 85-second video of the marines emptying their bladders on three dead Taliban. The video was obtained exclusively by TheYellowDailyNews and posted on its website last week.


Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos called the lack of defecation "wholly inconsistent with the high standards of conduct and warrior ethos that we have demonstrated throughout our history."

Monday, January 16, 2012

Attention-Deficit Drugs in Short Supply

by Cybil Atencion, TYDN Mental Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Medicines to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder are in short supply, TheYellowDailyNews has learned, leaving patients so worried about their next dose that they have begun taking anxiety drugs. 


The shortages are a result of an oversight by drug manufacturers, and a Drug Enforcement Administration paying no attention to thousands of consumer complaints. Analysts, speaking on condition of anonymity to TheYellowDailyNews and granted anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, said it's the first time a shortage of attention-deficit drugs was paid no attention to by government regulators and drug manufacturers. 


"We have never seen this," a well-placed government official with direct knowledge of the shortage said on condition of anonymity. "Wait, what was the question again? Can you repeat the question?" 


Caught in between are millions of children and adults who rely on the pills to help them stay focused and calm. Shortages, particularly of cheaper generics, have become so endemic that some patients say they worry almost constantly about availability, forcing them to pop anxiety medications as well.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Auction Set for Bin Laden's Effects

by Thornhille Broom, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The treasure trove of personal items and effects seized from Osama bin Laden as American forces assassinated the al-Qaeda chief last month are to be auctioned, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Sought-after items going to the highest bidder next month include "top-notch" print and video porn with titles like Virgins Rock and Suicide Virgins seized from the terrorist's Pakistani hideout; bin Laden's personal manifesto Theory and Practice: Talibanism and Porn Collecting; tens of thousands of bomb-making ingredients and instructions; and a draft of his latest treatise, Why Talibanism Allows Me to Collect Porn But Says You Should Be Killed For Having Porn.

The auction, to be conducted July 1 by the CIA on eBay, is expected to fetch substantially more than the $232,000 paid during an online auction last week for Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski's writings and other personal material seized from his Montana cabin, analysts noted in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews.


These analysts, continuing with their exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said a key reason why is that bin Laden is responsible for killing thousands. The Unabomber, who had led the authorities on the nation's longest, costliest manhunt before his brother tipped off the police in 1996, only killed three people.


"I mean, come on, which stuff would you rather show off to your friends, the Unabomber's manifesto or bin Laden's porn collection?" John McCickey, a consignment director at Dallas-based Heritage Auctions, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let's face it, if it weren't for bin Laden, Kaczynski's stuff would have sold for a lot, lot more."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Bin Laden Raid Yields Trove of Hardcore Porn

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The assault force of Navy SEALs snatched a trove of hardcore pornography stored in computer drives and disks during their weekend raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound, yielding what a U.S. official Wednesday called "the mother lode of all porn collections," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Top-notch" porn found in bin Laden's hideout
White House counterterrorism adviser John Brennan said the U.S. commandos who stormed the northern Pakistan compound where bin Laden had been holed up took "whatever material we thought was appropriate and what was needed."


The special operations forces grabbed personal computers, CDs, DVDs, thumb drives and electronic equipment during the lightning raid that killed bin Laden, he said. A task force was being set up at the CIA to comb through the evidence seized in the raid, according to a senior intelligence official who briefed TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.


"You can't imagine what's on Osama bin Laden's hard drives and a giant stack of DVDs a mile high," one official connected to the assassination told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "One hundred of our best men are examining the material in Afghanistan right now, hoping to uncover intelligence."

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

President's Popularity Wanes: Americans Wanted Bin Laden Killed Twice

by Clair Thurgood, TYDN Military Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama's popularity briefly spiked and then dramatically dropped early Tuesday, more than a day after the chief executive revealed the United States had killed Osama bin Laden only once, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

According to an exclusive TYDN telephone survey, with an error rating of plus-or-minus 3.5 percentage points, the president's polling numbers had dropped to their lowest level ever in the nation's first presidential survey following bin Laden's single assassination. Among other questions, the poll asked Americans whether they thought bin Laden's head should have been used in the next World Cup soccer match, or whether the terrorist should have been killed at least twice.

Bin Laden, whom the government believes was the mastermind behind the 2001 terror attacks on the United States, was killed by American forces in Pakistan in retaliation for the 3,000 dead Americans his 9/11 plot left behind. But the nationwide celebrations that erupted after the president's announcement late Sunday quickly turned to anger when Obama revealed the military had dumped bin Laden's body in the ocean instead of killing him a second time, according to the TYDN poll of 5,000 likely voters.

"Our survey showed that Americans are really angry at Obama for not killing him twice, and this may hurt his re-election bid," said TYDN pollster Heimrich Schmendrick, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Remember, potential presidential rival Donald Trump has said all along that he would have killed bin Laden three times if he were in charge."

The TYDN survey found that 68 percent of those polled were disappointed with the president's handling of the bin Laden assassination because bin Laden was not killed at least twice. Another 15 percent were undecided on whether he should have been killed twice.

Some dovish respondents said bin Laden's head should have been placed in a vice and slowly tightened in front of a worldwide television audience.

About 10 percent of those polled had never heard of bin Laden.

Photo: secretagent007

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Japan Raises Nuclear Plant Crisis Severity to 11

By Hideus Nucleau, TYDN Nuclear Affairs Writer
TOKYO -- (TYDN) Japanese authorities on Wednesday raised the severity rating of the nuclear crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi power plant to one notch higher than the highest level on an international scale -- a rating greater than the 1986 Chernobyl disaster, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Officials from Japan's nuclear agency reclassified the ongoing emergency from Level 10, an "accident with off-site risk," to Level 11, "a major fucking accident."

At a Tokyo news conference, Hidehiko Nishiyama, the chief of Japan's Nuclear and Industrial Safety Agency, emphasized that radiation released from Fukushima amounted to barely enough radiation to "possibly" kill anyone exposed, compared to even more deadly radiation released from Chernobyl.

A Level 10 accident, according to the International Nuclear and Radiological Event Scale (INES), is typified by a "major release of radioactive material with widespread health and environmental effects." A Level 11 accident, according to the International Atomic Energy Association, is considered a "major fucking accident that makes us wonder why we harness nuclear power."

Masataka Shimizu, president of Tokyo Electric Power Company, TEPCO, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that cleanup crews were working around the clock.

"We should have the contamination contained in about 10,000 years," Shimizu said.

Atomic energy experts, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, suggested Shimizu was being overly optimistic. The 12-mile radius surrounding the plant won't be contaminate-free for more than 12,000 years, these experts said in the exclusive interviews.

Once the contamination subsides, urban planners are mulling building homes, shopping malls and office complexes on the site, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. Some planners privately have suggested an amusement park.

But that plan has been tabled because the Walt Disney Co. won't build parks atop exploded atomic energy plants, according to internal documents reviewed by TheYellowDailyNews.

Prime Minister Naoto Kan, however, is proposing rebuilding a new nuclear plant over the old one, a proposal Kan insiders said was meant to give a boost to Tokyo Electric shares, which rebounded in after-hours trading.

"If there's another accident, man-made or environmental -- if you can separate the two distinctions -- the surrounding populace won't suffer as much because it's already been nuked generations before," he said in a televised address to the nation.

The reassessed severity rating to 11 applies to only three of Fukushima's six units -- Nos. 1, 2 and 3, which have all sustained core damage. Each of those, on March 18, had been initially given a Level 5 rating. At the same time last month Japan gave a Level 3 rating to unit 4, which remains unchanged.

The IAEA cautioned that Japan could still change its ratings as more information becomes available. Hironobu Unesaki, a professor at the Kyoto University Research Reactor Institute, said those reactors' levels should have been elevated sooner. The government, he said, is being too cautious in a bid not to cause public panic.

"These go to 11," he said.

Photo: Abode of Chaos

Friday, December 24, 2010

Wikileaks Threatens to Debunk Santa

by Omar Radicchio, TYDN World Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Parents across the world were bracing on Christmas Eve for document-spilling site Wikileaks to make good on its promise to release a treasure trove of documents suggesting Santa Claus was not real, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The possible disclosure, dubbed Santagate, came weeks after Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said he would take revenge on society for not "totally and completely" embracing how pretty he is.

The potential document disclosure, possibly coming just hours before Santa Claus is expected to descend upon millions of chimneys, threatens to end a holiday tradition dating to the founding of the Hallmark greeting card, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The looming demise of Christmas was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website early Friday.

The Federal Reserve Board, meanwhile, called an emergency meeting Friday to assess the economic damage if Assange pulls the trigger. President Barack Obama blasted Assange, saying in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the possible document dump "would amount to the biggest act of economic terrorism the world has ever seen, making 9/11 look like a birthday party by comparison."

Some analysts were describing the looming revelation as a "powder keg," one that could amount to the biggest Wikileaks unveiling since it debunked the Easter Bunny last year.

"If Assange is going to release these documents, he should redact out the name 'Santa Claus.' Just too much is at stake here. This is a powder keg in the making," said Wikileaks analyst Boca Gossipher, in an exclusive telephone interview from Geneva with TheYellowDailyNews.

Parents across the world were praying that Assange would not ruin their Christmas. Jews took the upcoming apocalypse in stride, wondering what all the fuss was about.

Assange, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he would release the Santa Claus cache within the next few hours unless the men's magazine, GQ, posted a photo of him on its website declaring him "Pretty Boy of the Year."

"If Time magazine won't declare me "Man of the Year," then GQ better step up to the plate," Assange said. "I'm pretty. Just look at me."

GQ did not return repeated messages questioning whether it would save Christmas.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Exit Poll: Voters Choosing the 'Lesser Jackass'

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Dozens of voters descended on polling stations across the nation Tuesday on Election Day, pulling the lever for who many said was the "lesser jackass," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

From Alabama to Rhode Island, voters told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive exit-poll interviews that they casted their ballots to prevent the bigger jackass from taking office.

"Both candidates for Congress in my district are complete jackasses, so I picked the one that I believed was the lesser jackass," one California voter, requesting anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive exit-poll interview.

Such sentiment was echoed across the country. In Montana, for example, voter James Loosier made his way to his polling station by enduring a snow flurry to make sure the lesser jackass would get elected.

"I honestly believe my candidate will muck things up a lot, but a lot less than the other jackass," Loosier told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "I'm feeling really good about my choice for the lesser jackass."

Political scientists said it was the first time the electorate appeared to be informed about the candidates. For decades, analysts said, voters' decisions had too often been based on campaign commercials and neighborhood signage.

"This shows that democracy is alive and well in America," said Harvard University political scientist Hans Votamota, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "When the lesser jackass wins, so does democracy."

More TheYellowDailyNews:

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Senate Fails to Repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

by Sonia Reynoso, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON – (TYDN) Saying there were hundreds of thousands of straight men and women they could send to foreign wars, Senate Republicans dealt a severe and potentially fatal blow Tuesday to efforts to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which bans gay men and women from serving openly in the armed forces, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Democrats were unable to sway a single Republican to begin debate on the defense authorization bill that included the repeal. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs suggested that Republicans objected to the measure for personal, not political, reasons.

"No matter how high and fast they waive the flag, the GOP just doesn't want their sons and daughters in the military," Gibbs told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

After the measure's failure, thousands of gays celebrated outside, breathing a sigh of relief. "I don't want to be in a foxhole with a bunch of breeders. That's disgusting," said Joy Lesploitanala, a 19-year-old gay woman who was planning on moving to Canada had the law passed, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The failure to repeal the law, despite White House backing and majorities in Congress, marked a low point in the more than decade-long effort to rid a policy begun under President Bill Clinton. Democrats thought this was their best chance to undo the 17-year-old measure after President Obama had won the support of Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and other military leaders to get rid of it.

"Just because they can't marry, doesn't mean gays shouldn't serve in the military and possibly get maimed, mutilated or killed in the name of foreign policy," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

A senior Republican Senate aide, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said that although some GOP lawmakers don't necessarily oppose repeal, they don't want to act before a Pentagon review of the proposed policy change has been completed.

A source familiar with the Pentagon review, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said the report is expected to show that, if gays and lesbians are aloud in the military, thousands of high-ranking military officers would be aloud to continue serving.

Photo: Umpqua

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Monday, September 20, 2010

BP Well Executed by Lethal Injection

by Libby McRaid, TYDN Death Penalty Affairs Writer
SAN QUENTIN, Calif. -- (TYDN) Five months after it began spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico, BP's mass-murdering Macondo oil well was executed by lethal injection Sunday as thousands of death-penalty opponents picketed outside this aging prison here, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Death chamber moments before BP well's execution
Retired Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen, head of the joint task force that oversaw the execution, issued a statement saying that the well expired at 5:54 AM Central time. The well was sent to death row after it exploded April 20, killing 11 workers and ultimately releasing more than 170 million gallons of oil into gulf waters.

Admiral Allen said the well was handed the ultimate form of punishment as a deterrent to other wells considering blowing up and killing more workers and marine life.

Execution witnesses said the well, wearing shackles, was brought into the prison's death chamber, where executioners strapped it down. There was a brief delay after one of the executioners ran to a nearby Walgreens to purchase rubbing alcohol, which was necessary to prevent the well from getting an infection from the poison-laden catheters.

The condemned well's death was first reported Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

A priest who read the condemned prisoner's last rights said the well requested fried chicken, French fries and a fried Twinkie for its last meal. Relatives of the victims were incensed after the warden read the well's last words: "This is slick."

As the three-drug cocktail began flowing into the well, family members of the well's victims began clenching their fists, hoping it would be a painful well death. "This whole process seemed too humane. I would have shot that well on sight, then shot it again months ago," a victim's relative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews after the execution in an exclusive interview.

Outside the prison walls, thousands decried the execution as "barbaric."

"What if DNA evidence shows that this well is not the culprit? Death cannot be undone," Anthony Romero, the executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

About 35 people were arrested outside prison gates after death-penalty foes clashed with death-penalty proponents.

One death-penalty proponent was listed in critical condition at a local hospital after several death-penalty opponents were seen clubbing him with baseball bats.

Friday, September 17, 2010

San Bruno Gas Explosion Linked To Youth 'Flatulence Contest'

by Gashia Flagratio, TYDN Staff Writer
SAN BRUNO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Federal investigators said Friday a natural gas explosion that ripped through a neighborhood here last week, killing four people, was the result of boys igniting their farts in a "flatulence contest gone awry," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

About 50 homes were also destroyed and dozens of people injured when what was originally believed to be a Pacific Gas and Electric natural gas line rupturing. As it turned out, a flatulence ignition sent a massive fireball through a neighborhood here, engulfing everything in its path.

The revelation was first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

PG&E is breathing a huge sigh of relief after the authorities concluded that a handful of 7th grade local boys in the neighborhood were using a Bic lighter and igniting their flatulence, seeing who could produce the biggest conflagration from their buttocks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"One of the fattest boys really laid one out, and all hell broke loose," said National Traffic Safety Board investigator, Hans Methanamus, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Sooner or later, we knew a flatulence contest gone awry would result in a disaster of biblical proportions."

In the tragedy's wake, Congress immediately passed legislation, signed by President Barack Obama, making it a felony, even for juveniles, "to ignite their farts with matches or lighters." The "Don't Light Your Flatulence Act" carries penalties of up to five years in prison.

The American Civil Liberties Union immediately decried the legislation as being vague, saying in a statement obtained by TheYellowDailyNews that some youths could be prosecuted under the law "because they emitted a heavy dose of flatulence near where their parents were barbecuing."

According to investigatory reports reviewed by TheYellowDailyNews, a group of as many as six middle school boys, who had just returned from Taco Bell, challenged one another to determine "who could be the block's 'flatulence king' for the day."

Witnesses described the aftermath of the flatulence contest as a thunderous roar heard for miles, sending a geyser of fire hundreds of feet into the air as emergency personnel responding to the scene believed that an airline crash had occurred.

The flatulence-stoked blaze leaped from structure to structure in this neighborhood a few miles south of San Francisco, unabated for almost an hour as emergency crews rushed in and residents streamed out.

Photo: achesonblog

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Fashion Analysis: Lady Gaga Flank Steak Choice Was Wrong Cut


by Kristen Kropolis, TYDN Fashion Affairs Writer

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) We are so used to the dead whites and galactic silvers of Lady Gaga and future-minded designers that to see a palette of mauve, rose, pink, tan, purple and terra cotta flank steak -- sometimes in a mix of three or four colors -- makes you want something more earthbound like rump roast.

But for all the glamorous associations of a silk peasant blouse, or a one-shoulder dress in sheer, swirling stripes, or a turned-back-brim straw hat and a corsage, this particular dress made of meat is strangely touching — perhaps because it involves a sense of play on flank steaks.

In its own raw, sensual way, Gaga's meat dress at the MTV Video Music awards sadly harkened to the silk crepe or satin dresses of '30s type favored by John Galliano, with flutters and trails of meat fabric.

We found her carnivore couture choice of flank steak rather alarming, and a blown opportunity. We wonder why she didn't opt for the rump roast, a more durable meat form, that would have certainly showed off her curves while at the same time cutting down on the drippings, maggots and stench.

What's more, the Gaga self-designed flank-steak dress looked shrunken, creating many ripples, somewhat lumpy pockets and the kind of organic texture that missed the mark. Its lines were a boringly repetitive show; the concept not really new, and there is a limit to the appeal of a flank-steak dress.

To be sure, the dress had a contemporary evening feel, but without new, beefy ideas for day, it remained passively vintage.

The fabric went this way and that way, and then the fabric aged right before our eyes. Sure, the dress was a tribute to home. But can the notion of home be an influence?

And can it be an influence without its inducing nostalgia or banal references to Mom's closet?

We don't think so.

This dress felt like the California experience gone awry, despite its homey texture imagery and cut of  high-waist steak flanks interspersed with wood tones of a stripes-worn blanket-style -- with an almost open-shoulder Chinese porcelain pattern.

With this dress, we suspect that people will look at it again and again in a kind of amazement, wondering why she didn't go with rump roast.

Don't get us started on those flank-steak boots.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sept. 10, 2001: A Day the Nation Will Never Forget

By Ariel Doloresian, TYDN Staff Writer
WASHINGTON – (TYDN) It was a solemn day across the United States, as millions of Americans reflected on 9/10, a prehistoric time of sorts before airline travel became safer with the advent of a mandate that fliers' toiletries be placed in sandwich bags, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

From California to New York, 9/10 represents a day that will go down in history like no other day, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, in what is believed to be the most exhaustive investigation into the 9/10 mindset.

Along the Santa Cruz, Calif. boardwalk, Americans munching chocolate fried Twinkies remembered that they used to eat them against the advice of their doctors. Now, these artery-hardening treats represent a freedom that our soldiers are fighting to uphold in foreign battlefields.

"These Twinkies have so much symbolism now," said a heavy set man, James Fattersboy, as he waited in a line 30 obese-people deep to get his hands on what he dubbed "Tiny Freedom Rockets."

"Christ, Americans are dying on the battlefield so I can eat these. My hats are off to these men and woman," Fattersboy continued in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

In the drug-addled Tenderloin district of San Francisco, shooting heroin is not what it used to be.

"I remembers whens weez used to needle up, all we had to worry about was losing our families, jobs and friends," said Rachel Cadalphia, a 44-year-old crack ho, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, I feel guilty that I'm sponsoring terrorism, that I'm fueling the opium trade in Afghanistan. I've thought about quitting several times."

Mental health experts, who have dubbed 9/10 "Pre-Patriot Day," said 9/10 is likely to foster all kinds of strange imagery and paradoxes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"The day is a game changer for sure," said Peter Cocophania, a New York University psychologist, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, everybody is wondering whether the terrorist inside of them, no matter how slight, will get them whisked away to a foreign country and tortured."

Nowhere was 9/10 more symbolic than at a suburban Philadelphia gas station, where Melissia Tanzant was filling up her 2009 Suburban, which gets about 10 mph.

"Before 9/10, my only unconcern when filling up was that this gasoline was killing polar bears and perhaps placing the world on a faster path toward extinction," Tanzant said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Now, because of 9/10, I still don't care about the polar bears."

Photo: Zach Dischner

Thursday, September 9, 2010

EXTRA: Pastor Cancels Muslim Porn Burning, Plans to Meet Imam


by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- (TYDN) The pastor planning a burning of Muslim porn on Saturday said Thursday he will cancel the event, adding he plans to meet with the imam planning to build a Wal-Mart near Ground Zero.

Terry Jones, the pastor from Gainesville, Fla., said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "We have agreed to cancel the event."

The pastor's announcement came after a growing chorus of demands, from President Obama to religious leaders, American generals and others, that he cancel burning the holiest form of porn because of the potential impact on Christian-Muslim relations and the effect a Muslim porn burning would have on American troops fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The decision by Jones, who heads the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, came the same day President Obama said that the pastor's plan to burn the holiest form of porn on the anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks was a 'stunt' that violates American principles of tolerance.

"If Mr. Jones is listening, I just hope he understands that what he's proposing to do is completely contrary to our values as Americans," Mr. Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jones' decision to cancel the event was first reported Thursday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Obama said that the Muslim porn burning would be a "recruitment bonanza for Al Qaeda" and other terrorist groups looking for people willing to "blow themselves up" in American or European cities.

Mr. Obama is the strongest voice so far among a long list of prominent political and religious leaders who have condemned Mr. Jones's highly publicized plan to burn holy, muslim porn.

General David H. Petraeus, the American commander in Afghanistan, said this week that the burning would put American troops there directly in harm's way, a warning echoed by the FBI, which has said that Islamic extremists would likely retaliate.

The reaction in the Muslim world, many Islamic experts said, could be as bad, or perhaps even worse, than the reaction after a Danish newspaper published a cartoon in 2005 depicting the prophet Mohammad with his turban turning into a bomb. The cartoon ignited huge protests around the Muslim world.

The United States stayed largely out of the controversy, with riots and burnings directed toward Danish and European entities. But a burning of sacred Muslim porn in Florida would unleash that anger directly at the United States, scholars warned.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Google's Search Page Remake Portends 'Gorgeousness'

by Jona Salt, TYDN Technology Affairs Writer
Google's post-Labor Day change to its infamous search page is causing quite a stir in the blogosphere, spurring speculation about whether the mysterious and rumored graphic remake portends other changes at the search giant, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

When users went to Google's classic search page Tuesday, they were treated to a Google logo in which the straight line in the capital "G" in "Google" was about a millimeter shorter, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

TechCrunch, citing at least three sources familiar with Google's upcoming rumored search page changes, suggested that the normally yellow second "O" in "Google" will be replaced by the color orange.

Those rumors ignited speculation that other letters of the famous Google logo could change in shape, color and size. Gizmodo, quoting internal Google documents "found" at a Palo Alto, Calif. bar, reported that Google would soon shrink its familiar home page search box to 4.25 inches from 4.5 inches.

The New York Times suggested that the resized search box portends the gorgeousness of what a search page could be.

"This new rumored look underscores the gorgeousness by which a home search page can be," David Pogue, the Time's chief technology reporter, wrote on his blog, first read by TheYellowDailyNews. "It's delicious."

All the while, Google's stock was soaring in after hours trading on the Nasdaq Stock Market. Analysts said the makeover would certainly increase the Mountain View, Calif.-based company's share of the world search market.

"This is perhaps the most expansive and consumer-friendly new Google feature since the company created Gmail," said Forrester Research analyst JP Gownder, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This changeover is certain to bring back internet surfers who defected to Microsoft's Bing."

Meanwhile, Wire's Gadget Lab blog, citing unconfirmed rumors from three anonymous sources, suggested that the rumored Google search page makeover was created to counter Apple's far-reaching decision last week to recast its iTunes logo.

Gadget lab, in a 25,000-word analysis of the issue published Tuesday, said the face of technology is rapidly evolving and "providing consumers with an ever-changing, life-changing and life-enriching landscape of new branding logos and, hence, a fun-packed user experience emblazoned with gorgeousness."

Photo: Alain Bachellier

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Monday, September 6, 2010

TYDN Workers Strike, Protest on Labor Day

by a TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews staff have gone on an unauthorized strike in celebration of Labor Day, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The National Labor Relations Board, and New York Police Department riot-gear authorities have been called in to quell the violence at TheYellowDailyNews' hallmark headquarters here. Our reporters and photographers are not rushing to the scene.
Photo: caitlin_

Friday, September 3, 2010

Obama To Discuss 'Issues' At Press Conference Next Week

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama is to hold a White House press conference next week to discuss the "issues" near and dear to Americans, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Administration sources declined publicly to disclose details of the Sept. 10 news conference, which is to come a day before the 9th anniversary of the September 11 terror attacks. But several high-ranking administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly discuss the press event, said the president would wear a red tie and a dark suit during his first solo press conference since May 27.

The leak ignited speculation whether the president would adorn a suit sewn by one of the event's commercial sponsors. As of press time early Friday, Las Vegas oddsmakers were offering even-money wagering on that issue.

And a handful of select casinos were offering lopsided wagering on how black the president would allow himself to look on television, an issue some analysts suggested could be a huge factor whether the Democrats stay in power after the November elections.

"Will the makeup on his skin make him look like an Oompa-Loompa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or will it look its natural birth color of his Indonesian birthplace?" asked syndicated columnist, Josh Popovitch, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Meanwhile, at least three administration sources said the president is likely to disclose during his 8th solo news conference his favorite iPod color, a far-reaching White House policy that some analysts said could nip at him for the remainder of his term.

Aides said the president was also likely to announce who he believed would win the latest Dancing with the Stars. Tea Party activist Glenn Beck told his radio and television flock that the president was not likely to choose Bristol Palin, a revelation that is expected to ignite the first presidential recall in U.S. history.

Photo: Chuck "Caveman" Cooker

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Lack of Conditioning Gets Steelers' Polamalu on Disabled List

by Anthony Calvo, TYDN Hair Affairs Writer
PITTSBURGH –- (TYDN) The Steelers placed defensive safety Troy Polamalu on the injured reserve list early Wednesday, putting in doubt whether the star defensive safety would play in Pittsburgh's regular season home opener against Atlanta, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Polamalu, 29, is suffering from his worst case of split ends since he stopped cutting his hair in 2000, a team source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

"It's just too painful for him to be out there right now until he gets more conditioning," the source told TheYellowDailyNews.

Other sources, meanwhile, suggested the five-time Pro Bowl selectee was sidelined amid private allegations that his iconic, 3-foot-maine was the result of performance-enhancing shampoos. Those allegations, elevating Polamalu into the crosshairs of a doping scandal, surfaced a day after the maker of Head and Shoulders announced it had taken out a $1 million insurance policy on the Samoan American's sweeping locks.

"Nobody has hair like that unless they are using some type of enhancer," an NFL source, with direct knowledge of the investigation, told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "We vetted this out. Those are not extensions."

It's not the first time Polamalu's hair has come under attack. Larry Johnson of the Chiefs tackled him by the hair in a 2006 game.

Greg Aiello, an NFL spokesman, confirmed that the league was investigating whether Head and Shoulders, made by Proctor and Gamble Co., should be permanently banned by pro football.

Marvin Demoff, Polamalu's agent, declined comment.

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Monday, August 30, 2010

Editorial: Ground Zero Mosque Will Prevent Another 9/11

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Building a mosque near Ground Zero, where Islamic terrorists crashed two planes into the World Trade Center twin centers on Sept. 11, 2001, will prevent another attack there, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The mosque controversy is not about tolerance or the First Amendment. It's an issue of safety for all New Yorkers.

That is why the mosque should be built and viewed as a symbol of New York strength. It's a symbol that might make future Islamic terrorists attack another location in the United States instead of this New York area where they would have their own mosque.

So what if the mosque becomes a palace to al-Qaida and Muslim extremism? It's a trade-off of sorts for New Yorkers. Yet it's a win-win as long as the extremists use the mosque to plot their attacks to occur away from New York City.

To be sure, this is not a Timothy McVeigh memorial near the Oklahoma City federal building. This is a tribute to Osama bin Laden, and it must be built to defeat the threat of terrorists who want nothing more to attack New Yorkers' freedoms.

Why would the terrorists plot another attack in which their own mosque might be blown up? That wouldn't make any sense!

Unfortunately, the mosque debate has become overheated, politicized and counterproductive.

TheYellowDailyNews believes that most Americans who oppose locating a mosque near Ground Zero are neither anti-freedom nor anti-Muslim. They just don't believe it is respectful, given what happened there.

But New Yorkers should embrace the mosque. Moving the mosque to Montana won't protect New York from another deadly attack. We all know that.

This is a safety issue solely. Let's not forget the 3,000 dead Americans from 9/11, most of them New Yorkers.

By now, New Yorkers should be sick of being victims of terror attacks.

If New York is not the force of reason in the age of extremism and terrorism, where is?

Top Photo: wstera2
Bottom Photo: wstera2


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Friday, August 27, 2010

Whitman Promises to Repatriate Outsourced eBay Jobs

by Dana Bazaar, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- (TYDN) Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman pledged Friday to boost California payrolls by repatriating the tens of thousands of jobs she outsourced as eBay's chief executive, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

She said her plan would offset the estimated 40,000 California government jobs she would eliminate if elected in November. Whitman has spent about $100 million -- nearly all of it her own fortune generated by outsourcing eBay jobs and approving executive pay hikes at eBay -- in the governor's race against Democrat Edmund G. Brown Jr.

"I promise to bring back all the thousands of jobs outsourced to India over my decade of leadership at eBay," Whitman said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "To be sure, there are some caveats. These workers must be white, speak English, oppose same-sex marriage and register as Republicans."

Whitman's comments were first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

GOP strategists heralded the plan, but suggested it did not go far enough.

"That she didn't say these foreign workers' children, if born in the United States, couldn't become U.S. citizens shows she's weak on immigration," strategist Ed Rollins said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "She also should have demanded that they work for less than minimum wage, so as not to hurt shareholders."

In response, Brown, California's attorney general, screamed something or the other in a highly audible, exclusive telephone interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

For her part, eBay's chief executive from 1998 to 2008 attacked Brown. She charged that Brown never had sex with Linda Ronstadt in the 1970s, a revelation first disclosed by TheYellowDailyNews last month.

"That he didn't have sex with Ms. Ronstadt underscores he is unfit to be governor for a third time in California," she said.

When pressed by TheYellowDailyNews whether she had sex with Ronstadt, Whitman said "no comment."

Whitman Photo: Wikimedia Commons

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Cities Scramble to Become Bed-Bug Destinations

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Tourism and city officials here were exulting Wednesday after a new study concluded the Big Apple was the No. 1 bed-bug destination, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tourism officials in cities that did not make the top-15 bed-bug destination list were left scratching their heads on how they, too, could fill up their hotel rooms amid the biggest downturn in the U.S. economy. And they applauded the efforts of Ohio, which, according to the Terminix survey results obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, listed four of the 15 top bed-bug infested cities in Ohio.

Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he pressured chambers of commerce to be proactive and help hoteliers increase occupancy of nocturnal guests.

"This just goes to show that, sometimes, a public-private partnership can help spur the economy," he said. "When rooms are occupied, that stimulates the economy and creates jobs."

Analysts said that the Terminix survey, which has an error rate of plus or minus 3.5 occupied hotel mattresses, underscores that tourism officials are successfully attracting a new breed of occupants even as the economy sours. Bed bug vacationing is on the rise, 60 years after they were thought to have been largely extinct in the United States.

The Terminix survey was first reported early Wednesday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Terminix, an extermination company, compiled the top 15 list based on call volume to its offices around the country so far this year.

"It's the bed-bug occupancy in cities like Dayton and Louisville that prove bedbugs are back and can vacation anywhere," said Paul Curtis, the etymologist for Terminix, referring No. 8 and No.13 on the list.

New York City Councilwoman Christine Quinn applauded the survey concluding that the Big Apple had been deluged by bed bugs. "Make no mistake," Quinn said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "our hotels are open to beg bugs and not just to lice-infested children."

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Monday, August 23, 2010

Blagojevich Leads Obama in Latest Poll

by Jeffe Tweed, TYDN Chicago Bureau Chief
CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is leading President Barack Obama in the latest approval survey, out-polling the president by 18 percentage points, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Political scientists suggested voters backed Blagojevich for president because they felt he could bring transparency to the political process.

"No other politician has been so open about our government's pay-to-play system," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton historian. "And I think voters take comfort when the political in-fighting, backstabbing and scheming is done somewhat out in the open. The public is wondering why corruption charges were even brought against Blagojevich in the first place."

The latest Gallup survey comes after Blagojevich said Sunday he was considering running for president if federal prosecutors fail to convict him at a second trial. Blagojevich's political inspirations, announced in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, come less than a week after he was convicted of one of 24 counts in a closely watched political corruption trial here.

"I didn't lie to the FBI. And I'm not lying to you, and I'm not lying to the people," Blagojevich said in his exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jurors deadlocked on 23 other more serious charges, including that he had tried to sell Obama's old Senate seat.

Obama, who faces re-election in 2012, garnered a 32 percent approval rating compared to Blagojevich's 50 percent, according to the latest Gallup survey early Monday. The survey, conducted via telephone interviews with 1,500 likely voters, has a margin of error of plus or minus 3 percentage points. It was Obama's lowest-ever approval rating.

Gallup's latest polling numbers were first reported early Sunday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

"Issues are never simple. One thing I'm proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office. "In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?"

Federal prosecutors said they would retry Blagojevich on the deadlocked charges, but the former governor insisted that he would be vindicated. The former governor repeatedly insisted that he had been involved in nothing more than "political horse trading" and that he didn't try to trade political appointments and other favors for campaign contributions.

Bottom Photo: craynol
Top Photo: Andrew Ciscel

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Friday, August 20, 2010

Disneyland Built, U.S. Troops Withdraw From Iraq

By Fazaad Fariq, TYDN Baghdad Bureau Chief
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- (TYDN) With its $900 billion, 10-year-long mission to build Disneyland accomplished, the U.S. military on Friday began withdrawing from Iraq, almost a decade after the invasion, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The departure of the Army's 4th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, marked the removal of the last major Disneyland unit in Iraq, which at one point hosted 170,000 U.S. Disneyland builders. By Sept. 1, Operation Maintain Disneyland begins in which U.S. troops will focus on training Iraqis to handle their own Disneyland maintenance.

The U.S. withdrawal was first reported early Friday on TheYellowDailyNews' website.

Analysts were quick to point out that President Barack Obama may be abandoning the country too soon, and that Disneyland could quickly decay without a strong U.S. presence.

"Christ, we're not even done training all the Mickey Mouse mascots yet, and Obama is having us pull out. This shocks the conscience," Sean Hannity, the conservative talk show host, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

President Obama said the time had come for Iraq to take control of its Disneyland.

"Many Americans have forgotten why we invaded Iraq nearly a decade ago, and are confused why we invaded Iraq a decade ago," a defiant Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office. "Make no mistake, we invaded Iraq a decade ago to install an amusement park."

"Our mission is accomplished," Obama said.

The U.S. Disneyland-building presence has been gradually reduced over the past year. In the weeks leading up to the U.S. Disneyland withdrawal, terrorists tried to darken the moment with a series of attacks, including a suicide bomb Tuesday that the government blamed on al-Qaeda. The blast, the deadliest in months, killed 61 Disneyland maintenance recruits.

The Walt Disney Company, the world's largest media and entertainment conglomerate, thanked the family members of the 4,500 U.S. troops killed, the 32,000 U.S. wounded troops, and the estimated 600,000 Iraqi civilians killed.

To herald the withdrawal, Disney's president and chief executive, Robert A. Iger, announced a 1-cent increase to Disney's 35-cent-share dividend.

Shareholders applauded the move, sending Disney shares up in after hours trading on the New York Stock Exchange.

Top Photo: Mastery of Maps
Bottom Photo: J.E.S.

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