Dow Soars 5 Points as Fed Buys NY Stock Exchange

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Seeking to stoke investor confidence, the U.S. government purchased the New York Stock Exchange early Friday and agreed to guarantee every issued stock in a deal valued at $100 trillion, approximately 30 times the nation's annual budget.

The purchase also calls for the doubling of valuation of every share issued to lawmakers, corporate executives and their board members. The deal follows the $700 billion bailout of Wall Street investment firms, the $100 billion bailout of American Insurance Group, the government's $200 billion takeover of the nation's mortgage industry and the $25 million bailout of the U.S. auto industry.

"Private profits with public risk is the American Way. And under my leadership, the economy is under total control," President Bush said as he rang the exchange's opening bell. "These facts should stoke massive confidence in the free market at home and abroad. "

The House and Senate approved the stock market's purchase after suspending deforestation rules. The suspension provided for the immediate cutting of ancient redwoods in Northern California to secure a paper source large enough to feed U.S. Mint printing presses.

"The environmentalists, as always, were fighting us on this and putting these centuries-old trees above innovation and the economy," Bush told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Where do these environmentalists think money comes from?"

Bush advisers, meanwhile, were meeting here with New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Administration sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, were seeking guidance about whether Bush should suspend the U.S. Constitution to remain in office for a third term "to continue steering the nation's prosperity."

The Dow Jones Industrial Average soured 5 points on news of the exchange's takeover. On Thursday, the Dow tumbled 679 points to its lowest level in five years.

The Dow has lost 5,585 points, or 39.4 percent in response to the nation slowly coming to uncertain grips that Bush's popular presidency is ending in January, analysts said.

"The public is deeply concerned that a Barack Obama or a John McCain is going to assume the presidency and muck up the economy and the country's standing as the leader in free-market principles," said Harold Jeffries, a California State University Fullerton revisionist historian. "Under Bush, the federal government is in complete control of the economy."

Photo:  epicharmus

McCain, Obama Spar: Public Declared Debate Loser

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- (TYDN) Presidential candidates Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain clashed repeatedly here Tuesday on the economy, taxes, national security, Iraq and energy. The judges stopped the fight 90 minutes later, declaring every American, those born or unborn, the loser.

During an early round, as the crowd began repeatedly shouting "700 billion dollar bailout," the referee stepped in to untangle the two after each kept screaming "I'm for more regulation than you. I'm the true regulator."

McCain came out swinging, landing a right-handed blow when he blamed his Democratic challenger and his liberal, trickle-up party for creating the financial crisis by wanting "to give home loans to the middle class at taxpayers' expense."

Obama regained his composure, landing a left-handed uppercut when he chided his Republican challenger and his trickle-down party for "creating the financial crisis by being in bed with Wall Street executives, for lighting their cigars with $100 bills at taxpayers' expense."

Ringside analysts, however, said the fight appeared to be staged like a World Wrestling Entertainment match. They said there did not appear to be any substance in the candidates' blows.

"They were certainly throwing blows, but none of them were landing," said boxing analyst Al Pugilis, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It really looked like they were wailing on each other. But it took a few minutes before it started to become clear there was really nothing behind their punches."

A few rounds later, when it came to taxes, Obama looked like he landed a powerful blow to McCain's belly when Obama said, "I promise to waste less middle-class taxpayer money than you."

But McCain countered, landing a strong right to Obama's jaw, saying he would waste less of taxpayers' money than would his opponent. "I can't waste more taxpayer money than you because I promise not to tax the upper class," McCain cried.

All the while, network analysts were commenting on the consequences of Obama and McCain both wearing the same costume: white boxing shorts and black shoes. "Americans will be talking about their outfits for weeks," CBS anchor Katie Couric said. "I think this will make it harder for the electorate to decide on Election Day."

On the terrorism front, each candidate landed several jabs during the seventh round. "I would initiate nuclear war and blow up the world five times over to protect Americans' security," Obama said as he peppered his rival with jabs to the face before McCain landed a counterpunch to Obama's groin.

As the crowd breathed a collective "OOOOOhhhhhhhhhh," McCain hit his opponent again, saying as a Republican president "I would blow up the world at least six, perhaps seven times to protect America from terrorist aggressors -- all of which backs my statements that I would refuse to negotiate with terrorists."

During the mandatory, 2-minute commercial break before the final round, the candidates from their respective corners shouted at one another that America needs to focus on alternative fuels while at the same time feverishly drilling for new oil sources. But many Americans did not see the highly volatile exchange as the networks were airing advertisements for beer, Viagra, or a host of other prescription drugs highlighting Americans' inadequacies.

The final bell rang as the candidates were jibbing and jabbing about their plans for victory in Iraq.

Illustration:  Jon Snyder

Bank Bailout Removes ‘Incumbent’ From Voter Ballots

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The $700 billion Wall Street bailout gained enough votes after language was slipped into the 400-page package removing "incumbent" next to lawmakers' names on the November ballot, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews.

The so-called "removal" language was tucked next to text in the bill increasing from $100,000 to $250,000 the amount the federal government would insure bank deposits. Lawmakers, including presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain, said publicly that increasing the insurance amount for one year was the "sweetener" that salvaged the deal President Bush signed Friday.

But according to interviews and a reading of the bill by TheYellowDailyNews, the House agreed to the final deal Friday after lawmakers were promised that the word "incumbent" would be removed next to their names on ballots during next month's elections.

Revisionist historians said the deal saved U.S.-based capitalism and underscored how Democracy, and its transparency, works for America.

"These lawmakers are so altruistic that when they saved America with the bailout vote, they decided that they didn't want voters to know that, especially come next month's election," said Harold Jeffreys, a former Nixon administration official who teaches history at California State University, Fullerton.

Lawmakers agreed, saying the move underscores that Democracy works.

"Transforming our economy took a lot of backroom negotiations that not even the general public needed to know about," said one lawmaker, who requested anonymity because he did not wish to be seen as seeking credit for saving America. "We nationalized the nation's mortgage system and banking sector to save capitalism, and to do that we had to add some sweeteners to wary lawmakers who were waffling."

Election officials across the union's 50 states were informed of the changeover early Sunday after TheYellowDailyNews posted its investigation online.

The election officials were scrambling to alter already printed election ballots to remove "incumbent" just four weeks ahead of the November election, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. Millions of ballots likely would have to be burned and reprinted, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Several Senate and House challengers to incumbents in the November election said they were to file lawsuits demanding that ballots retain the word "incumbent." The lawsuits seek to nullify the hundreds of pending lawsuits alleging that the term "incumbent" should be removed from ballots because the term is biased in favor of incumbents.

Several federal lawmakers, however, said they were surprised that the word "incumbent" was being removed next to their names on ballots. "I honestly had no idea what I was voting for," said many of the lawmakers, who requested anonymity and were granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

A (TYDN) Special Feature: U.S. Veterans Readying to Thwart $700 Billion Homeland Communist Insurgency

CAMARILLO, Calif. -- (TYDN) The smoke rings hovered from David Smith's yellowing mouth, growing in diameter before crumbling and disappearing into the pocked ceiling at the American Legion outpost here.

Smith, 55, takes another drag from his pipe and washes it down with a flat Pabst Blue Ribbon. The smoke rings floated again, a scene that has repeated itself here for decades following the U.S. Army enlistee's loss of both legs fighting the communist aggression in Vietnam.

Smith is one of dozens of disenchanted veterans at American Legion Post 741 here in this Southern California bedroom community. Along with thousands of veterans across America, they are readying to take up arms again to fight for their country.

This time, they say, the scourge of communism is homegrown. It started with the U.S. government's decision to spend more than $700 billion of taxpayer money to nationalize the federal banking system.

"What's next? Are they going to take over the hospitals, the mines and the oil fields?" asked Smith as he clenched his assault rifle and readied to wage guerilla warfare once again, this time from a wheelchair. "I killed men, women and children to keep communism from America. I lost my legs, family and house -- all for what?"

The Vietnam veterans -- many wearing their combat fatigues and others daydreaming of lives they never had -- said they could muster from within the compassion to forgive the blank stares they received when they came home some 40 years ago. They lived through the taunts of derelicts who did not understand their love of America, their sacrifices to keep the scourge that is communism from spilling across the globe and onto U.S. soil.

"Look at me. Where are my legs?" Smith screamed, his stumps still oozing from his 15th operation a month ago. "I was the homecoming king of my high school. After my legs blew off in the jungle, my wife left me for a draft dodger."

But these veterans in this Southern California outpost seemed more emboldened than ever. They've lived through the divorces, the delusions, the drug addictions, the phantom pains, the homelessness and the drunkenness.

The new enemy -- the U.S. government -- was within their borders. Those needing to be saved from the latest communist incursion are their neighbors, friends, family and, most of all, their fellow Americans -- even those Americans from the heartland whom do not understand that freedom is not free, that it takes sacrifices by the brave and those willing to kill.

Smith's shaking hands helped himself draw another puff from the cigarette that eventually burned his scarred forefingers. The bartender, a fellow Vietnam veteran who was lucky to have only lost one of his legs, poured him another Pabst.

"You aren't one of them pinko reporters like them commie federal government officials, are you?" the bartender demanded.

After a moment's discussion, the dozens of veterans here drifted behind a wood-paneled exit and underneath a wrinkled photograph of George W. Bush posing with Old Glory. Around the corner was a musty, smoke-filled stockroom filled with explosives and armaments.

The sour taste of their past began to fade. The caffeinated sweetness of renewed battle with the communists began to course threw their veins once more.

After all, they are freedom fighters. They are U.S. soldiers.

Photo:  Paul L. Nettles

Chavez, Castro Applaud U.S. Nationalization Plan

CARACAS, Venezuela -- (TYDN) President Bush and key U.S. lawmakers were here Wednesday seeking advice and financial assistance from the leaders of Venezuela, Cuba, China, North Korea and Russia -- nations welcoming the United States to the expanding club of communist countries.

Sources familiar with the daylong meeting here told TheYellowDailyNews that the leaders focused, in part, on how the United States should portray the U.S. government's upcoming $700 billion purchase of U.S. private banking assets with public money. And Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez and the other leaders were said to be ecstatic that the United States was taking its first steps toward nationalizing its economy.

Castro, bedridden for months and thought to be dead, arrived here earlier in the day and congratulated President Bush for peacefully steering the United States toward communism through stoking fear of the apocalypse in the U.S. populace.

"In 1959, I fought the capitalists with machetes and arms and overthrew their aggression, seized their factories and have now built a country that the United States is beginning to emulate," Castro told reporters outside Chavez's presidential palace here. "Mr. Bush and his nation's lawmakers have done what I have done -- enriching themselves and cronies in the process -- with simple fear mongering and without firing a single shot. For that, they should be applauded."

Sources said there was brief unease in the meeting room when Bush said he was not immediately nationalizing U.S. health care and the energy sector. After a brief recess, the foreign leaders acquiesced, agreeing that full-fledged Eastern-style communism was not built in a single day.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Democrat of San Francisco, and Henry Reid, the Senate Majority leader, were here seeking the foreign leaders' blessings ahead of a Wednesday afternoon U.S. Senate vote to nationalize the U.S. economy.

Sources said the two Americans were tough negotiators, persuading Chavez to subsidize 40 percent of the United States' oil, and striking a deal with North Korea to supply nuclear arms to guard against an attack from Mexico, Canada and the European Union.

"This goes to show that a nationalized economy is a free-market economy," Reid and Pelosi said in a joint statement. (U.S.-government-owned media refused to broadcast the remark, saying it sent a mixed message and could confuse the American populace.)

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev also pledged oil after bumping into his Alaskan neighbor, Sarah Palin, at the grocery store earlier in the week.

American presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain also issued a joint statement here. But as of press time, it was still being translated.

President Bush agreed to accept $5 billion in U.S. aid -- $4 billion for the U.S. treasury and $1 billion for himself and other U.S. government officials.

"Fidel, the United States now formally apologizes to you for the CIA trying to poison you just enough so your beard would fall off," a chuckling Bush said as be began to embrace the aging Castro and the other leaders. "And Hugo, Kim Jong II, Dmitry and you from China -- fughettaboutit. Let bygones be bygones."

Photo: John Repka

Wall Street Execs Wallow in $700 Billion ‘Dough Line’

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) It was a solemn and grim day here at the U.S. Capitol early Monday as thousands of hungry executives began lining up outside the U.S. Mint in anticipation Congress was within hours of approving a $700 billion Wall Street bailout package.

Analysts suggested the so-called "dough line" was reminiscent of the bread lines during the Great Depression, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Some of the executives' stomachs appeared bloated by hours of hunger pains. Their morning Champagne-filled brunches at Spago and other five-star restaurants had begun to wear off hours ago. Their limo drivers -- caught in a sea of armored-money-carrying vehicles -- were not immediately available to deliver emergency wine-and-cheese supplies.

The chaos was part of an economic crisis unseen in American history -- a melee mirroring a Somali food distribution center as executives battled to get themselves and their armored vehicles closer to the U.S. Mint handout.

Politicians, meanwhile, seized on the silver lining that the "dough lines" offered. In addition to adding Regis Philbin's face to Old Glory, they said the bailout's benefits were beginning to be seen. New jobs were already being created by the bailout hours before Congress was to vote on the $700 billion giveaway.

Many distraught executives, wondering where their next meal would come from, had hired homeless men and women to wait in line to the U.S. Mint as their proxies. Many were paid the executives' leftover Sunday brunch crumbs, despite some advertisements for the job asking "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."

"This just goes to show that the trickle-down theory is working even hours before we dole out $700 billion in taxpayer money," said Nancy Pelosi, the House speaker from San Francisco. "Let this be a lesson. The creation of these new jobs for the homeless, what I call 'bailout proxy' jobs, shows that the free-market economy works."

Still, many of the executives stood in line without "bailout proxies," refusing to subsidize what they said was a "welfare class of people eating off of our entrepeneurialism."

In response, Capitol emergency medical workers began spoon-feeding caviar to these starving renegade executives in hopes they would take the bailout money instead of creating class warfare along the handout line. The ugliness was underscored by many of these bloated men showing up in public with their Armani suit jacket buttons unfastened -- a scene so obscene that many media outlets refused to publish photographs of its obsceneness.

"This lineup here to the U.S. Mint is really getting hot and heavy, with the bourgeoisie executives, and the proletariat executives really starting to build a venom for one another," Karl Engels, the District of Columbia police commissioner, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "If we appease both of these classes, we think we can placate their anger from spilling over to the masses."

Moments later, however, a melee broke out when one of the executives' armored-money-carrying vehicles stalled along C Street here -- apparently running out of gas. Rescue workers descended upon the vehicle, filled it with gasoline and immediately loaded it with wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of cash before sending it along.

All the while, a third class of executives in line here were unsure whether they would take the billions in handouts.

"If I agree to take this money, I'm not sure whether I could look at my children, wife and servants the same way as I've done before," said one distraught executive, who requested anonymity. "I'm afraid that, after the servants clear dinner and put my children to bed, I'm afraid of losing my self respect, that my trophy wife won't want to sleep with me anymore."

One U.S. Mint official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Congress had anticipated such "third-party embarrassed executive" holdouts and were set to approve measures to placate these executives caught in a web of wary wives and mistresses. To keep the U.S. economy from collapsing, these "third-party embarrassed executive" holdouts will be provided coupons to redeem for a 5-carat diamond tennis bracelet, a house in the Hamptons, weekly messages for life, facials for life, manicures for life and "an extra $1 million monthly allowance," sources said.

Photo:  James Cridland

‘Overzealous’ Accounting Caused Economic Collapse

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) New and enhanced accounting standards adopted in the wake of Enron's implosion has prompted the U.S. economy's collapse, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews released Friday.

As corporations began to comport with the tough accounting standards, investors eventually lost confidence and the economy slowly and quietly drifted into an economic state unseen since the Great Depression, TheYellowDailyNews' analysis concluded.

The analysis shows that the 2002 Sarbanes-Oxley Act and follow-up rules mandating truthful corporate accounting has slowly fostered an uncertain economic environment that "eventually caused the financial markets to implode."

"After companies were forced to declare their real assets and debts, to provide a true picture of their economic status, the markets became roiled in uncertainty and economic indicators slowly started to burst asunder," according to the 5,321-page study by TheYellowDailyNews. "Once there was sunshine caused by these overzealous regulations, the markets realized that the confidence it was running on was a fig leaf."

Accounting standards also requiring companies to account for the backdating of stock options, according to TheYellowDailyNews' examination, "unfairly forced the nation's public companies to account in their ledgers that they were enriching their executives with stock at backdated prices -- prices that were guaranteed to trade at higher prices while devaluing the public's shares."

The report found that the new accounting rules exposed that the nation's stock-issuing companies were, in essence, printing money via backdating the price of stock options and "prompting the financial markets to collapse."

In response, Congress and President Bush are mulling legislation to provide Wall Street companies some $700 billion â.. equaling about $3,000 for every American â.. to wipe their unbalanced accounting sheets clean.

But sources participating in the high-level meetings said many members of Congress believe solely throwing money at the problem won't provide a long-term solution. So presidential candidates Barack Obama, John McCain and several lawmakers from both sides of the aisle are conditioning their support of the $700 billion bailout on the loosening of accounting rules, source said.

"Our nation's economy can only work when there is confidence in the system, and when you shine light on the system, people lose confidence," according to one source involved in the negotiations, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

But lawmakers are facing stiff resistance from President Bush, who aides say would cave to demands to relaxing accounting rules in return for guarantees that Congress would not impose a salary cap on executives whose companies would receive the $700 billion bailout.

Treasury Giveaway Stalled; Keymaker a ‘Foreigner’

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Bi-partisan congressional bailout legislation handing out thousands of keys unlocking the U.S. Treasury to top Wall Street executives stalled early Wednesday amid concerns the winning bidder to produce the keys "might be a foreigner," TheYellowDailyNews has learned

The imbroglio could derail legislation providing keys to open the U.S. Treasury to executives from Wall Street firms that have failed or are failing â.. legislation Congress and President Bush said is needed to save the U.S. economy from collapse. The disclosure by TheYellowDailyNews on Tuesday that the keymaker might be from Dubai created a schism in Congress threatening to kill the legislation from being enacted and potentially allowing for an economic crisis bigger than the Great Depression.

In a rare bipartisan scene, lawmakers from both sides of the aisle gathered on the steps of the Capitol here to chant in unison that they would rather see the nation's economy implode than cede control to "a keymaker who might be a foreigner."

"It is unacceptable that a foreigner, one believed from Dubai -- in the Middle East of all places -- was awarded the contract to make U.S. Treasury keys to dole out to Wall Street executives. These executives already have enough to worry about, like how to spend their own personal wealth that outstrips the balance sheets of their failing companies that are hurting America to no fault of their own," lawmakers chanted in unison outside the White House.

The lawmakers added: "Sure, these executives employ foreigners to clean their toilets and take care of their kids. But to accept a key from a foreigner to go into and unlock the U.S. Treasury and print as much money as they want, that's just un-American and unacceptable."

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson devised the plan to give keys to unlock the department's Bureau of Engraving and Printing to at least 5,000 Wall Street executives as part of a $1 trillion plan to keep the U.S. economy from slipping into Depression.

Democrats scored a key victory in the legislation, demanding that the Treasury hold a raffle and award one key to an American citizen earning at least $120,000 annually, not including deductions for capital gains taxes.

Still, Paulson urged lawmakers to sign off on the bailout despite the keymaking contract being awarded to Fasad Amail, a 19-year-old Christian who fled the Middle East with his four younger siblings. They escaped persecution after their parents were killed for refusing to join the jihad and travel to Iraq to fight "The Great Satan."

But lawmakers balked at Paulson. Despite Amail's $1 per key bid -- a $5,000 contract in all -- American's deserve better than being rescued by a "towel head," the lawmakers chanted on the capitol steps here.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, while criticizing the deal for only allowing the executives to print a combined $1 trillion in greenbacks, said Amail's contract with Paulson must be broken for the good of America.

"We would rather our country burst asunder than be saved by this towel head," Pelosi said in an exclusive interview. "This isn't about politics. This is about what's right."

In response, the Bush administration nullified its contract with Amail and decided to award a no-bid contract to an undisclosed bidder for an undisclosed price. Executives with balance-sheet losses ending in odd numbers are to get keys to the U.S. Treasury's mint as early as Friday.

Meanwhile, Amail could not be reached for comment. Sources, who requested anonymity, said Amail was being detained at a San Francisco immigration holding pen pending a January 2011 initial hearing date.

Photo: moriza

ANALYSIS: Palin GainsWeight, Loses Popularity

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin energized the Republican ticket to the White House when she debuted last month at the GOP convention wearing a tight skirt as her perkiness surprised voters on both sides of the political aisle.

But a month and an additional 5 to 7 or more pounds later, her allure to the coveted group of undecided male heterosexual voters ages 18 and up is starting to slip, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Palin, 44, is a former runner up in the Miss Alaska contest and has been described by colleagues as a "barracuda." She is the vice presidential running mate to Sen. John McCain, who tapped her in a bid to shore up two never-before-galvanized voter segments of heterosexual men: Those desiring to have sex with a vice presidential candidate and those at least wanting to see a vice presidential candidate naked.

"This segment of coveted voters is seemingly growing tired of her repeating herself over and again and she seems to be getting heavier," Nielsen Media analyst Dexter Moninaster said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This voter segment is used to this type of phenomena and was looking for something more instead of the same old, same old thing they're used to coming home to every night after work."

But GOP strategist Frank Zscheckouts said McCain's pick of Palin underscored "a political suaveness, of really giving voters what they wanted."

"This is a non issue to begin with. These two coveted voter segments can associate with this and they crave it whether they know it or not," Zscheckouts said. "The election is in November, so she can't get much bigger by Election Day anyway. And she's years away from Hillary."

A CNN-ABC-CNBC-Wall Street Journal-New York Times-Los Angeles Times-Neilsen Media Research independent poll of likely voters in the coveted, undecided male category said the media has not done a good enough job of exploring whether Palin watches football.

"Her going hunting is capturing a lot of voters in this coveted category," poll spokeswoman Iwana Baelin said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "There's no pro football in Alaska, and that's really hurting her allure in the coveted category of voters who might be more accepting of who she is, or who she is becoming."

Photo:  asecondhandconjecture

Central America Blocking U.S. Marxist Aggression

SAN SALVADOR, El Salvador -- (TYDN) The presidents from Mexico and the seven nations of Central America convened high-level talks here late Thursday to consider shuttering Mexico's border with the United States and other measures in a bid to block U.S. Communist aggression from spilling into Mexico and beyond, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The meeting by the so-called "Grupo Ocho" was called here by Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega to consider how to respond to various bailouts and purchases of American financial institutions by the U.S. Federal Reserve totaling $900 billion. And while the Grupo Ocho session was in progress at the capitol here, the U.S. Federal Reserve and Congress announced it was considering purchasing and bailing out more U.S. banks -- to the tune of $1 trillion -- to prevent the collapse of what once was considered the world's foremost capitalistic society.

"We Nicaraguans are a capitalistic nation, a Democratic nation and we cannot, and will not let the U.S. seeds of Communism infect Mexico and domino through Central America and our country," Ortega said. "This Marxist movement cannot, and will not, be tolerated."

U.S. President George Bush, whose second term expires in January, urged the Mexican government not to seal its 2,000-mile border with the United States.

"Mexico has some of the finest border factories paying good, decent, $1-an-hour wages. And if it shutters the border, more and more hard-working and God-fearing Americans will be out of work," Bush told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview at the Oval office. "These workers aren't Communists. They're decent people who would never consider having an abortion, let alone afford one."

Analysts, however, said it might be too late to stop Communism's domino through the region. They say the United States' Communism has already begun to spread through Mexico and into some parts of Central America. "We're seeing a lot of fresh paintings of Bush on houses, storefronts and hotels all across the region," said Karl Engels, a financier with Banc Mexico. "The murals all read, 'Viva Bush, Viva Communismo.' "

Meanwhile, the Latin presidents here expressed alarm that America's Red Menace had blossomed almost overnight, leading some analysts to suggest the Latin leaders were "inept" for not seeing the pending crisis coming.

In response, the presidents were considering blacking out U.S. media accounts of the American Communist insurgency.

"If the peoples of our region hear news of America's new Communism, that America's banks, insurance and mortgagers are all owned or managed by the U.S. government, our citizens might embrace that and also succumb to the evils of Communism," said Elías Antonio Saca González, the president of El Salvador. "We must keep the enemy in check."

The Grupo Ocho consists of Mexico, Belize, Honduras, Guatemala, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Belize and Panama.

According to sources, Russian President Dmitry Anatolyevich Medvedev sent a delegation to the Grupo Ocho meeting in what analysts said could be a prelude to a resurrection of the Cold War, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Russia promised the presidents all types of arms and favorable trade terms and subsides -- anything that they wanted to prevent Communism from spilling through Latin America," said one Russian source, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

Meanwhile, Canada, which fronts the United States' north, was considering sealing its borders. But officials there concluded a closure would create a humanitarian crisis of epic proportions by denying millions of Americans affordable prescription medication.

Photo:  jorgemejia

Fed Chairman Demands 'Huger' Executive Pay

New York -- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said late Tuesday the latest Wall Street crisis would had been averted had executives at some of the nation's biggest failed or failing mortgage, banking and insurance companies earned more than the "paltry millions they took home each month."

Bernanke, speaking to reporters here outside the New York Stock Exchange, said "private jets, tens of millions in yearly base pay, tens of millions more annually in stock options, and retirement and health care benefits totaling millions is, quite simply, inadequate compensation."

"Because of the paltry millions they took home each month, the taxpayers were forced to step in with hundreds of billions of dollars to bail out many corporations -- corporations that hate government intervention," Bernanke added. "Executives require huger compensation."

Bernanke, a President Bush appointee, chided the media and economists who have been suggesting that the turmoil on Wall Street was caused by shady business practices sanctioned by chief executives. "Make no mistake, the executives' practices of perpetually funding and insuring the real estate sector had nothing to do with inflating the housing market and precipitating the housing bubble and associated sectors," Bernanke said.

"This crisis is due in large part to greedy homebuyers, and shareholders and boards of directors looking to squeeze every dime out of Wall Street's top executives," Bernanke said. "These executives, in turn, failed their companies because they were too focused on their pay than the task at hand. They were doomed to fail."

The Dow Jones Industrials spiked 120 points following Bernanke's remarks.

Rupert Murdoch's Wall Street Journal immediately posted an editorial on its web site declaring Bernanke, "The King of Finance."

In response, presidential contenders Sen. John McCain, the Republican nominee, and Sen. Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee, each began airing commercials ahead of the November election demanding that Congress immediately boost top executive pay.

The commercials included titles like "Big Exec Pay Keeps the Taxpayer Funded Bailout Away" and "If Executives Aren't Uber Rich, the Economy Will Fall in the Ditch."

Among other Wall Street developments, they include: The Fed agreed to provide $200 billion in so-called emergency "bridge loans" to top executives rattled by the housing bubble that is expected to cost America tens of thousands of jobs. That move, which is expected to calm investor jitters, follows U.S. taxpayers' bailout of financial arm Bear Stearns, mortgage giants Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, and the $85 billion loan the Fed announced late Tuesday to insurance behemoth AIG Inc.

Photo: AMagill

Bush to Americans: ‘You are Not Dead Because of Me’

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Bush, marking the seventh anniversary of the Sept. 11 terror attacks, said Thursday all Americans would be dead if it was not for his administration's actions following the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil.

"You're not dead because of me," Bush told mourners here in a solemn speech under cool, cloudy skies -- a day quite unlike the crisp, sunny day on which the attacks occurred. "You have taken your lives for granted because, following the attacks, the country has seen the onset of two wars, Hurricane Katrina, the collapse of the housing market and the banking system. Human nature to forget has long kicked in."

Bush was speaking eloquently here outside the Pentagon, where 184 men, women and children lost their lives when a hijacked plane piloted by Saudis crashed into the side of the nation's military headquarters -- a day that changed the world forever.

The commander in chief said Americans, because of him, have been alive for 2,557 days since that attack, and a similar one that felled the twin towers at New York's World Trade Center the same day. As many as 2,500 innocents perished there "along with the symbol of capitalism," he said.

"Our military is now engaged with the enemy in the Middle East, where more than 4,000 of our soldiers and countless tens of thousands of others â.. men, woman and children -- are involved in trying to survive a terror attack every day so you can, and will, live another day," Bush told thousands of mourners who began weeping at his feet here.

"Our policies, including forbidding travelers from bringing their deodorant on airlines, have prevented numerous terror attacks here at home. Disclosing what terror attacks I'm speaking of would make us ripe for another attack," Bush added.

Bush, who was careful not to politicize his speech, continued, saying he "invaded Iraq a long time ago, for reasons that escape me, and that the carnage there and in my war in Afghanistan and elsewhere is keeping you alive and you don't even know it."

Bush said because of him, Americans "have the freedom to pretend that I haven't kept you alive for the 2,557 days following the terror attacks, that I haven't secured you're freedom and your right to vote for new leaders who will also keep you alive."

Presidential rivals, Sen. John McCain, and Sen. Barack Obama, declined comment. They had agreed to suspend, for one day only, invoking the Sept. 11 attacks for political gains ahead of the November election.

In First Interview, Palin Says Government ‘Too Big’

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Republican Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, in her first media interview since Sen. John McCain tapped her to be his presidential running mate last month, said late Sunday that government was "too big" and that the free market should prevail.

Palin, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews at its Wall Street offices here, applauded the federal government's move Sunday to take over Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae in a bid to keep the two mortgage giants from failing. The financial catastrophes would have made home and auto loans harder to get and taken the nation's housing collapse to a new level of crisis.

"Government is too big and we need to reduce that," said Palin, echoing remarks she made Wednesday at the Republican National Convention. "The free engine of our capitalistic system, not government intervention, is what will keep America thriving."

The government on Sunday agreed to pump billions of dollars into Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and assume responsibility for trillions of dollars of their debt while handing control of the companies to federal regulators. The takeovers mark the most dramatic government effort thus far to stem the financial chaos precipitated by the housing bust.

Speaking to editors here at TheYellowDailyNews' financial desk, Palin supported the Bush administration's decision in March to float billions in lower-than-market loans to JP Morgan to buy out failing financial arm Bear Stearns, which was victimized by shoddy homebuyers defaulting on their loans in record numbers.

"Only with an uninhibited, free market system can America set an example to the rest of the world that communism, socialism -- call it what you will -- doesn't work," Palin said. "Governments should exercise restraint and not meddle in the marketplace. Market forces should be free of government intrusion."

She said a McCain-Palin White House would inject the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. with hundreds of billions of dollars in needed cash. The FDIC's job is to have enough money to insure all deposit accounts in the U.S. of less than $100,00. With bank failures on the rise, the FDIC is behind billions in unfunded reserves.

A McCain-Palin administration, Palin said in the exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, would allow the failure of the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corp., a government-backed fund that insures the retirement benefits of nearly 44 million Americans in 30,460 pension plans nationwide.

"These lazy pensioners taking a free ride will be forced back into the workforce and would stimulate Big Business with their minimum wage earnings," Palin said. "That's the American Way."

Presidential Candidates Pledge ‘Issues’ Campaign

St. Paul, Minn. -- (TYDN) With the conclusion of the Republican National Convention here late Thursday, Sen. John McCain and his Democratic opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, pledged to campaign on the "issues."

Historians said it was a bold move by both candidates to risk stating their opinion on issues â.. opinions that are likely to shift as does the political climate.

"That these candidates are willing to announce where they stand on the issues is unprecedented and likely to change the course of politicking for generations to come," said Darin Spoutolovitch, a Harvard University historian and former aide to President Ronald Reagan. "Never will there have been an election for the presidency with so much debate centered on the issues."

Political insiders said the focus on the issues is likely to favor McCain, the Arizona senator and former prisoner of war in Vietnam. That his surprise running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, was able to woo Americans by eloquently reciting a speech written for her Wednesday evening at the Republicans' convention here shows that McCain has the upper hand when it comes to the issues.

"The voters are really in touch with McCain and Palin, who I dub 'The Living Room Candidate,' because the candidates and electorate are so focused on the issues and would like to have Sarah in their living rooms," said Braden McPontificator, a Republican election strategist.

For their part, Democratic strategists countered.

"Obama, the senator from Illinois, is much more focused on the issues than is McCain and Palin," said Jordan Herdit, of the New York lobbying firm of Herdit, Lamey, Plumpkin and Xorciando. "There's nobody better to discuss the issues than Obama and his running mate, the Delaware Senator Joe Biden, who isn't afraid to really drive home what others say about the issues."

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Obama said he is the better man to be commander in chief of the United States because he and his running mate have a better grasp of the issues.

"I promise to help American's with their issues and can relate to their issues better than can my opponent," Obama said.

McCain, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, disagreed. "I understand the issues much better than the other candidate and promise to fight for those issues," McCain said.

Still, non-partisan strategist Joana Paxila said the election is going to be a test of both parties' sincerity.

"They both have issues," said Paxila, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Analysis: Palin Strong VP Choice Despite Ethics Probe

St. Paul, Minn.-- (TYDN) That Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is undergoing an ethics inquiry in her home state makes her well qualified as the running mate to Republican presidential candidate John McCain, according to an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews unveiled early Wednesday.

Palin, the 44-year-old mother of five whose 17-year-old unmarried daughter is pregnant, is likely to be well prepared to defend herself in any ethics inquiry at the White House, where dozens of Bush administration figures have been prosecuted or resigned in disgrace, TheYellowDailyNews' analysis has concluded.

"That she is already battling an ethics inquiry means she would bring with her the experience needed in the White House to battle other scandals against her," said Republican strategist Jordan Lamey. "This is experience that is usually learned in the White House, not brought there."

By bringing to Washington her own scandal, Palin would likely one-up her predecessor, Vice President Dick Cheney. His chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was convicted last year of corruption charges including perjury and obstruction of justice for outing CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity.

The Palin probe concerns whether she or others in her administration abused their power or improperly pressured an Alaskan state official to fire a state trooper who is Palin's ex-brother-in-law. Palin and her father have said Trooper Mike Wooten was a "loose cannon" who made threats against them.

The investigation received national attention Tuesday after Sen. John McCain, the Republican nominee for president, announced Palin as his running mate last Friday.

Still, Democratic strategists point out that Sen. Barack Obama, the Democrats' nomination for president, has tapped Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate. Biden, a Delaware Democrat, underwent a plagiarism scandal in 1987, which forced him to drop out of that year's presidential race.

But independent analysts were unsure who was more qualified for the White House: a plagiarizer or a backstabber.

"I think somebody who can pilfer the words of others without flinching is more suited for the job," said Democratic strategist Jason Vetter, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "What better orator can there be?"

Republican strategists suggested somebody like Palin, who would hire and fire government officials based on family ties, is more suited to win the War on Terror.

"Girly men like Biden just talk, but Palin takes action," strategist Irvin Spewlosa said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "

Palin Weak for Failure to Shoot Humans While Hunting

Minneapolis, Minn. -- (TYDN) Republican Party insiders are concerned Sarah Palin's history of never shooting anybody while hunting suggests she's weak on foreign and domestic affairs, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Insiders contacted by TheYellowDailyNews suggest it might have been a critical blunder for Sen. John McCain to pick the Alaska governor as his running mate for the U.S. presidency.

"She simply does not measure up to Vice President Dick Cheney," said Marvin Weasler, a strategist for the New York lobbying firm of Krill, Monger, Tilapia and Weasler. "Cheney shot and nearly killed somebody hunting and all she's ever done is aim at moose and birds and stuff."

The revelation that she's neither shot at anybody hunting nor served in the military, as first disclosed Friday by TheYellowDailyNews, is expected to be a political lighting rod as the Nov. 4 election nears. And as the Republican National Convention gets under way here Monday, her failure not even to come close to shooting somebody else while hunting is certain to resonate with Republican delegates, sources said.

In 2006, Cheney shot Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old Texas attorney, while participating in a quail hunt on a Texas ranch. Whittington was shot in the face, neck, and upper torso with birdshot pellets from a 28-gauge Perazzi shotgun.

Days later, Whittington suffered a non-fatal "silent" heart attack and atrial fibrillation due to at least one lead-shot pellet lodged in or near his heart, but survived.

According to Republican Party insiders, McCain's shocking and surprising pick Friday of Palin, a former beauty queen contestant, as his running mate was done in large part to secure Clinton supporters. Even Clinton suggested it was a good move.

"This whole Monica Lewinsky scandal probably would have been avoided had I been working side by side with her, if she was my vice president," former President Bill Clinton said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

McCain, who is expected to accept the Republican Party's nomination here for president later this week, blasted the media for criticizing him over his out-of-the-blue pick of Palin and for not vetting her properly.

"I met her once and tapped her to become my veep and was expecting to learn a lot more about her from the press, but the press failed me and America," McCain said in an exclusive interview. "All I learned was that she was a runner up in the Miss Alaska contest in 1984. That she was a former city councilwoman and mayor of some Alaskan town where it barely gets dark in the summer."

Equally important, other party insiders expressed a sigh of relief late Sunday that President Bush has canceled his planned appearance here at the convention out of sympathy for the 2 million Americans being displaced by the approaching Gustav. As of late Sunday, the monster hurricane was readying to barrel down on Louisiana and New Orleans.

"Thank God for Gustav," one Republican Party insider said. "If you tell anybody I said that, I'd deny it and send you hunting with Cheney."

Photo: Elaine Vigneault

Obama Speech Littered With Bidenizing Plagiarism

DENVER -- (TYDN) Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech here at the Democratic National Convention late Thursday was a nearly verbatim script plagiarized from the hundreds of candidates who have sought to become the next president of the United States, according to an analysis of the 50-minute speech by TheYellowDailyNews.

The Illinois senator's speech was riddled with plagiarized statements including "God Bless America," "I accept your nomination for presidency of the United States," "the stakes are too high," "I love this country" and "as commander in chief I will never hesitate to defend this nation" -- statements uttered by innumerable candidates since the union was formed, according to an exhaustive analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Some analysts suggested that the plagiarism was inevitable given that Obama chose Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential running mate. In 1987, Biden, the senator from Delaware, dropped out of the race for president after it was disclosed he plagiarized a speech from a British politician at the Iowa State Fair.

Obama's plagiarism is expected to be a political lightning rod as the Nov. 4 election nears.

Political strategists said Sen. John McCain of Arizona is expected to criticize Obama's speech at the Republican National Convention next week in Minnesota, where McCain will accept his party's nomination for president. But moments after Obama's oration, speech writers were revising McCain's speech, deleting phrases like "a better, stronger America" and "the need for change is now," sources requesting anonymity, and granted anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews.

Still, many Democratic strategists hailed the speech. "What he did was squarely place himself in tradition. It was a very straight speech in which he made himself an agent of change, that he was not his opponent, and it worked," analyst James Itoldia said. "I think he did everything he needed to do as a presidential candidate. It was not over the top. It was appropriate."

Other analysts contacted by TheYellowDailyNews were surprised by Obama's plagiarism. "We never dreamt he was going to criticize his opponent and say 'hard work and sacrifice' are in Americans' future," said one analyst, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

Republican strategists ripped the speech.

"It sounded so much like a Ross Perot speech in 1992," said one strategist, who spoke on condition of anonymity, and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews. "He's been great on rhetoric. And now he needed to add the meat and potatoes, and he failed at that."

SHOCKING: Michelle Obama Dons Convention Dress

DENVER -- (TYDN) Political strategists were mixed late Tuesday on whether Michelle Obama has enough fashion sense to become the nation's first lady, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Still, analysts agree that if her husband -- Illinois Sen. Barack Obama -- is elected president, she would likely bring a new style with her. But whether that fashion sense is befitting of a first lady is an open question, analysts said, and threatens to become a political lightning rod as the November election nears.

The world was shocked during her keynote address at the Democratic National Convention here Monday evening. She steered clear of a suit -- traditional first lady convention garb. Instead, she chose a body-conscious, ocean-blue dress with beading and a brooch at the center of the open neckline -- leading many strategists to suggest she is unsuited to be the first lady.

"This smacks of the contempt that she has for America," Republican strategist George Dresslar said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is an issue that resonates with voters."

Along with the dress, Michelle Obama's only other noticeable accessory was a pair of diamond stud earrings.

"That she wore diamond earrings, ones large enough to distance herself from the lower class, but not big enough to be upper class, shows she has class," said Jewel Nickles, a Democratic strategist, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Many middle class voters think those diamond rings are in their reach some day."

One campaign adviser, who requested anonymity and who was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews, said "Michelle Obama didn't overload on jewelry like Nancy Reagan or go too plain like Pat Nixon. She struck the right balance."

Still, voters said she appeared too cocksure. "She looks like she's going to a great celebratory cocktail party," said the voter, who requested anonymity because she feared reprisals.

The dress was by Chicago-based Maria Pinto, who has outfitted Michelle Obama for several campaign and media events.

Barack Obama's polling numbers surged 5 percentage points after Pinto issued a statement to The Associated Press, calling Michelle Obama's style "chic."

"Choosing items that are always modern and chic, Mrs. Obama possesses a natural and unpretentious sophistication, which is reflected in her clothing," Pinto's statement said.

Others, however, said that, by not wearing a suit, not wearing pearls and not wearing too much jewelry, Michelle Obama dressed like a woman -- a woman who could be an ambassador for the country -- "but not like she was interviewing for a job," according to a campaign insider.

When daughters Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, joined her on stage here, they each wore a party dress - Malia in blue and Sasha in purple - complementing their mother's outfit.

Malia's dress had a bow front and Sasha wore a fabric flower on hers. "They looked like children," said Alanna Stang, executive editor of parenting magazine, Cookie.

Photo:  Ava Lowery

Biden Wins VP Nod on Foreign Affairs Acumen

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Sen. Joe Biden was chosen as the vice presidential candidate Sataurday because he was the most knowledgeable of foreign affairs, showing deep knowledge and historical recollection of sex scandals of government officials from across the globe, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Obama, the 47-year-old senator from Illinois, picked Biden, the senator from Delaware, after Obama was convinced the 65-year-old Biden held much more of a vast understanding of foreign affairs than the other Democratic vice presidential hopefuls, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Analysts said Obama, a Democrat, needed a foreign affairs expert to compete against Sen. John McCain. The 71-year-old Republican presidential candidate is considered a foreign policy expert because of his age and because he was held captive for more than five years during the Vietnam War.

"Joe Biden was able to ring off from the top of his head several foreign affairs, from the ongoing sexual mishaps of French President Nicolas Sarkozy to Alexander Wood, a magistrate in Upper Canada who was part of a gay sex scandal in 1810," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews early Monday. "Biden really nailed our intense vetting process, and was even able to show on a map some of the countries where the foreign affairs took, or are taking, place."

Analysts said it was the first time in U.S. politicking that a presidential candidate had focused his vice presidential pick on somebody with vast foreign affairs knowledge.

"Having a good grasp of sex scandals overseas is something the American public really needs right now, especially as the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan move into their six years of warfare and with Russia's invasion of the breakaway republic of Georgia just underway," said one independent political strategist, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, whom TheYellowDailyNews granted anonymity because the strategist was not authorized to speak to the media.

"The Cold war is back," another strategist, requesting anonymity, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is brilliant strategy. Voters need to focus on foreign affairs rather than the U.S real estate meltdown and the economy's implosion at home."

Still, McCain operatives immediately denounced Biden's foreign affairs knowledge. Sources close to the vetting process said Biden was unaware of John E. Brownlee, a former premier of Alberta, who was forced to resign in 1934 after allegations he seduced a young woman.

These same sources, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said Biden had no foreign affairs knowledge of Uno Sosuke, the prime minister of Japan who resigned in 1989 after less than three months of service when a geisha revealed she had an affair with him.

"His knowledge of foreign affairs is minimal at best," said one McCain operative, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the operative was not authorized to speak to TheYellowDailyNews.

After the Democrats' convention closes at week's end, McCain is expected to announce his vice presidential running mate ahead of the November election. McCain, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he is likely to choose somebody with intense knowledge of domestic affairs to balance out his own foreign affairs resume.

Sen. Hillary Clinton, the Democrat from New York who Obama shunned Saturday as his potential running mate, is expected to audition to become McCain's vice presidential candidate. Sources said that, while her foreign relations skills are lacking, she has become a domestic affairs expert as part of her ambition for the White House.

Photo: Center for American Progress Action

McCain, Obama Halting Voter Attack Ads on Sept. 11

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Presidential rivals Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain will halt all attack ads on Sept. 11, an explosive move the contenders said was to pay tribute to the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The candidates, however, pledged late Thursday to continue airing commercials before and after Sept. 11 with voice-overs telling voters "You're a Bigger Loser than McCain if You Vote for Him" and "You're a Bigger Joker than Obama if You Vote for Him."

A CNN-New York Times-Yahoo-AOL-Associated Press poll of 3,000 likely voters showed the November election in a dead heat. "This says a lot about the electorate, and the impact these ads are having on voters," said pollster Germaine Apollo. "I think the electorate can really associate with these ads."

McCain and Obama have been spending several million dollars a day on attack ads -- with each candidate deriding voters and their presidential opponent as being incompetent imbeciles.

It was the first time in U.S. presidential history that the two candidates for president agreed to stop the mudslinging for a day.

"Nine-eleven is not a day for politics," said Brian Rogers, a spokesman for McCain, the Republican candidate from Arizona.

Hari Sevugan, a spokesman for Obama, the Democrat from Illinois, said: "We hope Sept. 11th is a day when Americans come together and reaffirm our resolve to address the common challenges we face together."

The candidates agreed to the historic cease fire when a group of Sept. 11 survivors, whose loved ones were killed in the World Trade Center attack seven years ago, called on the candidates to refrain from partisan campaigning that day. In a letter to both candidates, MyGoodDeed.org founders noted that the country seemed to forget partisan differences in the days after the attacks and were unified by a sense of compassion.

Among other presidential campaign developments:

*Sources told TheYellowDailyNews late Thursday that Obama is expected to unveil a commercial on Friday accusing President Bush and the Republicans of being responsible for the 2001 terror attacks.

*McCain operatives, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to speak publicly, told TheYellowDailyNews that McCain will begin airing ads Friday blaming the Democrats and the press as being responsible for the terror attacks.

Photo: mashleymorgan

Bush Chides Osama’s al-Qaeda as ‘Gay Cross Dressers’

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Bush chided Osama bin Laden's al-Qaeda terror organization as "gay cross dressers" after a male suicide bomber dressed in a woman's robe detonated explosives late Tuesday in a heavily guarded Sunni area of Baghdad, killing scores of people and the deputy leader of the neighborhood's U.S.-backed security volunteers who had turned against al-Qaeda.

In an exclusive interview here at the Oval Office early Wednesday with TheYellowDailyNews, the president, stealing a line from California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, said al-Qaeda's suicide bombing tactics underscored that the terror group was a "girly man operation."

"That this terror organization, which shuns traditional uniforms mandated by the Geneva Convention, fills its suicide bombing ranks with gay cross dressers shows that al-Qaeda is a girly man operation that the United States -- one nation under God -- will defeat."

The president, who said al-Qaeda is responsible for the Sept. 11, 2001 terror attacks in the United States, said it was a victory that the administration has not toppled the terror group or apprehended bin Laden despite its "girly man" status. "Everybody thought that his capture would be announced ahead of the 2004 election, and I proved them wrong," Bush, a Republican, told TheYellowDailyNews.

Republican strategists, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to speak publicly, said it was likely that bin Laden would be captured days ahead of the November presidential election. "Wait to see what that does for McCain," one operative said, noting Sen. John McCain, the Republican nominee to succeed Bush.

In response, bin Laden said in a videotaped message aired late Tuesday on the Arab news network, Al-Jazeera: "We did not authorize these transvestites to kill and kill themselves in our name, but we're glad they did. The infidel must die."

The transvestite assailant who struck Tuesday was wearing a black abaya robe. He-she detonated the explosives in a crowded marketplace, according to witnesses who spoke on condition of anonymity with TheYellowDailyNews.

"Body parts were flying through the air," one witness told TheYellowDailyNews.

Officials at a nearby hospital said at least 20 people were wounded in the transvestite blast in the Baghdad slum of Azamiyah.

It was the 22nd suicide mission carried out by cross-dresser in Iraq this year, the U.S. military said, as al-Qaeda and other Sunni militant groups try to regroup from major losses suffered at the hands of U.S. and Iraqi forces.

McCain, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said if he were elected this November, "The United States would never be victims of transvestite suicide bombers again."

Barack Obama, the Democrat's nominee for president, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that McCain's position underscored that his opponent "was intolerant of gays and lesbians and out of touch with the modern world."

Photo: somepeopleworryme

Administration: U.S. Dependent on ‘OPEC’ Oil Cartel

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration, after an exhaustive eight-year study, concluded late Sunday the United States is dependent on foreign oil that is monopolized by a cartel and to blame for $4-a-gallon gasoline, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

It was the administration's first far-reaching analysis of world energy markets in almost eight years of power. Administration officials dubbed the secret cartel the "Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries."

Administration sources said President Bush is expected to address the nation Monday and disclose this never-been-heard-of monopoly, which administration insiders have nicknamed OPEC.

The administration, according to sources briefed on the matter who spoke on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly discuss the mater, will tell Americans that OPEC consists of 13 nations. Sources said they include Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Qatar, Indonesia, Socialist Peoples Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, United Arab Emirates, Nigeria, Ecuador, Angola and Gabon.

According to administration officials, Bush did not know that Iraq, when he invaded it five years ago, was an OPEC member. Had he known, he might have invaded sooner, sources said.

Insiders said Bush intends to begin its next war campaign against Iran and then go down the list of other cartel nations -- all in a bid to end the United States' addiction to a foreign oil cartel.

"We could have saved a lot of time and began invading more countries sooner to satisfy our thirst for cartel-free oil had we discovered OPEC's website sooner," Bush is expected to tell the nation in his first televised address to the nation since taking office in January, 2000. "We will no longer be dependent on a foreign cartel for energy again. That's un-American."

Analysts said the discovery of OPEC is certain to shock world oil markets. "The end of oil trading on the futures market is over as we know it," said Nathan Crude, a trader with Slick, Spill and Tar Co., a Texas energy consortium.

Trading on oil futures is expected to be halted at least through Tuesday, according to a source on the U.S. Mercantile Exchange.

Presidential scholars said it was the first time in U.S. history a president has offered a solution to ending the nation's thirst for oil produced by a cartel. "Bush's vision of war against these nations, instead of seeking oil alternatives, is brilliant and certain to bring peace and stability to the world," said Jonathan Slick, a Republican political strategist and Vice President Dick Cheney's un-indicted advisor.

Still, other analysts were unsure of the strategy. They suggested drilling for oil in the United States, instead of going to war, would wean the United States from an addiction to oil from an un-American cartel.

"That Bush would rather go to war than drill along the United States' coast is preposterous at best," said syndicated columnist Charles Krauthammer. "At least he's not pandering to the girly men who want green power."

Republican presidential candidate John McCain applauded Bush, but said the long-term answer to the nation's energy thirst was nuclear power. His Democratic opponent, Barack Obama, said he wanted a blending of war, nuclear power, drilling and green energy.

Bush Chides China on Rights Abuses, Communism

BEIJING -- (TYDN) President Bush on Thursday used some of his bluntest language to date on human rights abuses in China, saying in a speech here during the Olympic Games that "America stands in firm opposition" to China's detention of political dissidents and religious activists.

"We speak out for a free press, freedom of assembly, and labor rights not to antagonize China's leaders, but because trusting its people with greater freedom is the only way for China to develop its full potential," Bush said in a radio address. "And we press for openness and justice, not to impose our beliefs but to allow the Chinese people to express theirs

Bush, who invaded Iraq five years ago to spread Western-style Democracy to the Mideast, was celebrating the first conviction of one of hundreds of "enemy combatants" whom the United States is holding in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

There, the detainees -- jailed for years without charges -- face a maximum life term if convicted in a U.S. military tribunal where they are accused of being enemies of the United States. Those acquitted face life terms because Bush has declared them "enemy combatants" -- persons whom he says can be held indefinitely without charges.

Bush -- while threatening to jail two New York Times reporters for disclosing his secret eavesdropping program by which all Americans' electronic communications were siphoned to the National Security Agency without warrants following the Sept. 11 terror attacks -- chided China for its privacy violations and for its lack of a free press.

"The United States believes the people of China deserve the fundamental liberty that is the natural right of all human beings," Bush said while applauding Congress' failure last week to adopt a federal shield law for journalists.

Many human rights groups have criticized the president for his decision to attend the Games and for what they call his unwillingness to confront Beijing over a crackdown on dissent and new Internet restrictions in the run-up to the Olympics here.

Still, most analysts said the example of Guantanamo Bay, the invasion of Iraq and the bailout of the U.S. banking industry is certain to resonate with China's leaders. "The Chinese are likely to take Bush to heart and embrace the American Way," said Cal State Fullerton presidential scholar Vince Buck.

Sophie Richardson, who monitors Asia for New York-based Human Rights Watch, applauded the president. "Bush's tough talk and actions is certain to get the rest of the world behind him," Richardson said.

Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, declined comment.

Photo: burge5000

Poll Shows Schwarzenegger Leading Latest Recall

SACRAMENTO -- (TYDN) Polls show California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the leading choice for governor in the Golden State's latest recall election to be held in November, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Schwarzenegger ousted Gov. Gray Davis in California's first recall election in 2003 as voters became tired of soaring budget deficits and the energy crisis. Schwarzenegger, now facing his own recall election because of soaring deficits -- $15 billion and $4 billion in annual bond debt -- is expected to retain the governorship with 100 percent of the vote, according to a Field Poll survey.

According to the Field Poll survey of 5,000 likely voters, all of those surveyed blamed Schwarzenegger for an overdue budget, soaring deficits and the real estate collapse. Still, those surveyed said they would again vote for Schwarzenegger, whom they said was the most qualified because he has starred in motion pictures.

More than 100 entrants were in the 2003 recall election. Schwarzenegger is the only candidate in Schwarzenegger's recall this November.

"Arnold is a formidable force. Our survey said he would likely be elected president if he wasn't born in Austria, even if California was in the midst of a $60 billion deficit and 15 percent unemployment," Field Poll pollster Harvey Countem said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That nobody is challenging Schwarzenegger in the recall election says a lot."

The California Legislature and Schwarzenegger remain deadlocked, since July 1, over a approving a $100 billion budget.

The survey, conducted by telephone, had a margin of error of 3 percentage points. A majority of likely voters said Schwarzenegger's role in "Kindergarten Cop" certified the candidate's qualifications to lead the world's sixth largest economy.

California Attorney General Jerry Brown, a two-time governor, was considering entering the recall race but dropped out after his aides cautioned him that he was a loser, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. The Field Poll survey concluded similar results.

Photo: d vdm

McCain Embracing iPhone, Internet Porn

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Republican presidential contender Sen. John McCain, responding to weeks of criticism about his lack of Internet skills, told TheYellowDailyNews early Friday that he has become addicted to online porn, especially the cartoon variety.

The revelation to TheYellowDailyNews, in an exclusive interview at his office here, is certain to qualm criticism of the candidate's lack of computer sophistication. Analysts said the bold announcement is likely to help the Arizona senator shore up the undecided vote, and at the same time counter suggestions that the 71-year-old Vietnam War prisoner was too old and out of touch to lead the free world.

"I've answered the critics and have become schooled at Internet surfing," McCain said. "I have visited the top Internet sites, spending countless hours, and now ask the public to understand that it's OK and beneficial -- even for politicians -- to change positions often."

"I view flip flopping in a new light," added McCain, sporting blue jeans and a black turtleneck shirt.

While showing off his new iPhone to a reporter of TheYellowDailyNews, he said: "Porn on the go, and you can keep it in your pocket. I've set it on vibrate mode."

Despite a recession, the housing crisis, soaring food and gas prices and the war in Iraq, political analysts said it was the first time in U.S. electoral history presidential candidates broached issues near and dear to the American public.

"There's less than three months before Election Day, and finally, the candidates are speaking to the public," said Peter North, a political consultant from Chatsworth, Calif.

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Barack Obama, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said McCain's recent discovery of Internet porn underscores "how out of touch he is with the American public and with technology."

"That he is only now familiarizing himself with online pornography is laughable at best," Obama said by telephone from his Chicago residence. "My wife, Michelle, and I are surfing for porn right now."

McCain, Obama added, "probably doesn't even know how to bookmark his porn sites."

Illustration: Jim Linwood

Baghdad Bombings Signaling Peace is Nearing

BAGHDAD -- (TYDN) A roadside bomb killed two U.S. soldiers Wednesday in a predominantly Shiite area of Baghdad. It was the first attack against U.S. troops in the capital in nearly five hours and the first attack on civilians in the last few minutes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least 100 Iraqis were killed in explosions elsewhere in the Baghdad area, Iraqi officials said, in another grim reminder of the dangers that continue to face security forces and civilians despite significant security gains over the past year.

The Bush administration hailed the carnage as a victory in the 5-year-old war. "This proves that the surge is working, that Iraq is becoming safer, and that our troops, whether dead or alive, might come home some day," President Bush said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Violence and killings always precede peace."

Iraqi President, What's His Name, also applauded the deaths and said he hoped it would be an impetus for a daylong cease-fire between Sunni, Shiite, Kurdish, Turkish and others seeking control of the capital here. "This should give us time to remove the dead before violence starts again," What's His Name said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We have been at odds with one another for centuries and this violence only means that peace is nearing."

The U.S. military said a third U.S. soldier was wounded when the blast struck a U.S. patrol about 9:30 a.m. in eastern Baghdad. The area was the site of fierce clashes and frequent roadside bombings blamed on Shiite militiamen before a cease-fire by anti-U.S. cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.

The soldiers were the first to be killed in Baghdad since earlier in the day, when a roadside bomb killed one U.S. soldier and wounded five other soldiers in the western neighborhood of Amariyah, a Sunni area.

Still, despite the peace, Iraqi politicians remained in bitter debate over a power-sharing formula for the disputed, oil-rich city of Kirkuk that has blocked passage of a law providing for provincial elections.

The United States hopes the nationwide local vote would stem remaining support for violence by more fairly distributing power among Iraq's rival ethnic and religious communities.

The Kurds object to an article in the law that would distribute equally the council seats among Arabs, Kurds and Turkomen and dilute their powers in Tamim province, which lies just south of their semiautonomous region in Iraq's north.

Tensions rose last week after a suicide bombing killed more than 20 people in Kirkuk and the Kurdish-dominated Tamim council called for the area to be annexed into the self-ruled Kurdish region. The council decision was nonbinding but provoked Turkomen and Arabs.

Bush said Democracy was about to flourish. "Our guns and presence is certain to end this bitter and centuries-long dispute between these people," the president said. "Victory is at hand."

Presidential contenders Sen. Barack Obama and John McCain declined comment, saying their opinion on the matter was subject to change.

In other attacks in Iraq: A roadside bombing killed four police officers and three civilian bystanders near an Iraqi police patrol vehicle in Mahaweel, about 35 miles south of Baghdad, Iraqi police said.

Another roadside bomb on Palestine Street, a major thoroughfare in Baghdad, killed 70 Iraqis -- soldiers and a civilians alike, said Iraqi officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Photo: The Chorizo Warrior

Airline Adopts $50 ‘Lost Luggage Guarantee’

DULUTH, Minn. -- (TYDN) Northwest Airlines Corp. -- reeling from recession, skyrocketing fuel costs, mismanagement and a proposed merger with Delta Airlines Corp. -- is implementing a $50 fee to guarantee each piece of luggage, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move, in a bid to increase passenger services, came a month after the Minneapolis-based airline implemented a $35-per-bag check-in surcharge and fees for ticket purchases, ticket printing, seat and seatbelt rentals, bathroom use and toilet paper, food, alcohol, customer service and for carry-on luggage.

Complete details of the new $50 fee, first reported Saturday by TheYellowDailyNews, were still being worked out. But airline executives said they were meant to attract fliers frustrated by the high cost of driving as gasoline hovers around $4 per gallon nationally.

Under the "No Lost Luggage Guarantee," the airline guarantees not to lose luggage, and that it would deliver lost luggage to owners at least a week after their flight. For an extra $25 on top of the $50, the airline guarantees not to lose luggage and guarantees to deliver lost luggage within five days after their flight.

Another $10 on top of that guarantees Northwest delivery personnel "won't fondle or try on your wife's panties, and won't play basketball with your luggage on the tarmac," Northwest CEO Doug Steenland said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Continental, Southwest, Alaska and a host of other carriers are expected to follow Northwest's plan, which Steenland said "gives fliers a sense of wellbeing."

More than a billion bags are lost each year on U.S. flights alone.

Steenland said the new "passenger benefit," as he described it, is expected to generate as much as $50 million.

Dozens of passengers here in Duluth, whose bags were lost, were excited that they paid $50 to guarantee that their luggage would not be lost.

"I'm elated that my lost luggage isn't lost and that I paid to guarantee it won't be lost," said passenger Dick Ward, who traveled here from San Francisco to see the sites along Lake Superior.

Consumer Reports applauded the new program, saying it doesn't risk making customers feel "nickel and dimed."

"This should give all consumers a sense of well being," Susan Byrne, managing editor of Consumer Reports, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "That your underwear won't be rifled through -- no other airline guarantees that other than Northwest."

Northwest shares ended down 4.2 percent at $8.35.

Photo: R.B. Boyer

Canada Mulling a More Humane Seal Slaughter

HALIFAX, Nova Scotia -- (TYDN) Canada's fisheries minister said Thursday he is considering Nova Scotia's request to hunt more grey seals, an expansion backers say would boost coastal economies and fish stocks.

Anti-hunt campaigners say Canada's seal hunts are cruel and inhumane because hunters use spiked clubs and rifles to kill the animals for their prized pelts. Still, animal rights groups said they would be willing to cede to an increase in the annual slaughter if hunters practiced more humane killing methods.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, is demanding that hunters first blindfold the furry animals and offer them a cigarette before they are pummeled to death, their hides removed and their flesh and innards left to rot in the snow.

"Our survey of death row inmates who have been blindfolded and given a cigarette before their execution said their electrocution or lethal injection was more relaxing than without such amenities," PETA president Ingrid Newkirk said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

The PETA study was first reported Monday by TheYellowDailyNews.

Harry VanPelt, chairman of SlaughterNow!, said cigarettes were too expensive. He promised the hunters would briefly pet the seals, say "You're a good boy, yes you are" before they were splattered on the frozen tundra.

The Tobacco Family Children No Abuse Forum Coalition also blasted PETA's proposal. "Seals that survive the slaughter might get hooked on cigarettes and die an early death from lung cancer," Patch Tokem, the coalition's spokesman, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn said the growth of the grey seal herd is widely recognized and his office is discussing the issue with the province's fisheries minister Ron Chisholm. Chisholm asked last week for the quota review and also urged the government to press the European Union to reject a proposed ban on the import of seal products.

Under legislation proposed earlier this month, the EU's 27-member states would ban seal products from countries where hunting practices are deemed inhumane.

Chisholm is mulling whether to demand hunters offer seals a choice of a cigar or cigarette, in addition to a last meal. He is also considering proposals to ban rifles and clubs in favor hunters' fists.

Nova Scotia has a yearly quota of 12,000 gray seals but fishermen want the quota increased to 25,000. A fast growing grey seal population is depleting fish stocks.

The United States banned Canadian seal products in 1972. Several European Union nations, such as the Netherlands and Belgium, ban all seal products.

Photo: Advocacy for Animals