Analysis: Gun Ruling Bodes Well for 1st Amendment

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The U.S. Supreme Court's decision affirming an individual's right to bear arms under the Second Amendment is likely to bolster First Amendment free-speech protections, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The justices' 5-4 Thursday decision, split along party lines, is expected to embolden Americans wanting to express themselves who had remained silent because they were unarmed. Under the high court's decision, which said individuals had an almost absolute right to carry weapons unrelated to service in a state-run militia, persons with views outside the mainstream now will more likely utter their speech.

"The ability to carry weapons, like at the beach, at a sports stadium and even at the local Parents Teachers Association meeting will energize the national discussion," American Civil Liberties Union director Anthony Romero said. "Throughout history, people have been sheepish in standing up for what they believed. Now they have the Constitution, perhaps in the form of a concealed handgun, on their side backing up their opinion."

It was the first time in the nation's history that the Supreme Court has ruled that individuals have a right to weapons. The Second Amendment reads: "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

The National Rifle Association, which won the ruling after challenging a handgun ban in the District of Columbia, said the decision protects the weak by empowering the meagerly minded to have their voices heard. A side benefit to the far-reaching decision, according to the NRA, would be a safer, yet more talkative, America.

"A lot of people are going to say what's on their minds now because the justices said it's OK to have a Smith & Wesson in their toddler's diaper bag," said NRA lobbyist Christopher Cox. "But these gun enthusiasts are less likely to draw that Smith & Wesson knowing that the person they're speaking their mind to has got perhaps an even larger Smith & Wesson."

Groups representing the mentally ill derided the decision because it left intact federal and state rules prohibiting their clients from weapons ownership -- an infringement on their First Amendment right to free speech.

"This ruling basically stands for the proposition that nobody wants to hear from the mentally disabled," Disability Rights Advocates attorney Sid Wolinsky said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Once again, the voices of the disabled have been pistol whipped by the courts."

Advocates for Convicted Felons spokesman Jack Derringer said the ruling vindicates a large swath of the group's constituents who had been sentenced to lengthy prison terms for "what now seems like the absurd crime of possessing or discharging firearms to back up their First Amendment rights."

The First Amendment says "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Photo: Mike Licht

McCain Backs Condom ‘Sin’ Tax

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain is set to propose what campaign aides describe as "the truest sin tax ever," a $5 surcharge on every condom, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Arizona senator is expected to announce the far-reaching plan at a news conference here Friday, campaign operatives said late Thursday. Some insiders said the controversial proposal was less about revenue generation than it was to deter Americans from having sex for purposes other than reproduction.

The sources also likened the move as a form of so-called social Darwinism, by which the tax would likely spawn a new generation of impoverished Americans who would acquiesce to being reared with "any sense of a realistic expectation that they would live better than their parents, and not to expect it anymore."

"Obviously, this will impact the poor, who will likely forgo condoms and reproduce a newer, low-wage population that will have no expectations of being better off than the previous generation, and this is what the Republican Party, and, frankly, the Democratic Party are capitalizing on," a McCain insider, requesting anonymity because she has not been authorized to disclose the philosophy behind the tax, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

"Alcohol and tobacco is what we usually associate with as sin taxes," the source said. "This tax is the truest sin tax ever."

Still, there's a rift among the McCain campaign over the proposal.

Other McCain insiders suggested the idea was among the most advanced in history to reduce global warning while being mindful not to associate the tax with China's one-person-per-family rule or Hitler's Nazi Germany. They suggested that the tax would put condoms outside the reach of many Americans, who would forego intercourse and slow population growth -- all of which would purify the environment.

"This tax is a win-win, and we're openly using the term tax," another McCain insider told TheYellowDailyNews, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "How many candidates can say 'tax' with a straight face?"

Sen. Barack Obama, the Democrats' candidate for president, is considering a smaller "surcharge" for each condom, perhaps at the $4 level, Obama aides said. One aide said, however, that Obama operatives are having a difficult time getting the Illinois senator to commit.

"He sees everything as black or white," said the aide, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Sometimes it's black and sometimes it's white. It's hard for him to go middle of the road."

Pope Benedict XVI criticized the plan, saying it would have little effect on the Church's unmarried followers because they already practice abstinence. "And our ordained members, the priests," the pontiff added, "have sex with under-aged boys incapable of being impregnated."

Photo: TheGirlsNY

Bush Backs SEC Changes to Credit Rating Industry

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration is backing Securities and Exchange Commission proposals that may diminish the longstanding importance of credit ratings across various markets, including the $3.4 trillion money-market industry, in the latest blow to the rating business stemming from the credit crunch, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The most significant portion of the rules -- which only insiders can profit from because nobody else understands them -- would make it possible for U.S. money-market funds to invest in short-term debt without regard to ratings put on those securities by firms such as Moody's Investors Service and Standard & Poor's, sources requesting anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicly disclose how the rich get richer told TheYellowDailyNews late Wednesday.

Currently, SEC rules generally require that money-market funds purchase only short-term debt with high investment-grade ratings. The new rules would put more discretion in the hands of money managers to determine whether the debt is investment grade, according to administration sources.

President Bush applauded the proposal in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office early Thursday.

"We need to ensure that when investors invest, they are investing in what investors would want to invest in, and that it's a high-grade investment," the president said. "I have always invested myself to ensure investors invest in what is a good investment, in what is investable, in what the market would want to invest in."

Sources suggested the SEC rule changes would diminish the importance of credit ratings in determining the amount of capital that investment banks are required to hold. In all, the proposal would put about a dozen changes on the table that would touch on the role of credit ratings for investors and banks, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Lehman Sachs analyst Din Ero said the changeover would have a far-reaching benefit to the economy. "Ratings agencies that invest in the stocks they rate, would no longer have a say in the ratings of stocks that others invest in," Ero said. "This means, for the better, that traders would be more invested in their investment brokers who advise them to buy the stocks they are advising and invested in."

Other analysts were more optimistic.

"The SEC's proposal means I can invest wantonly, even if that means driving up the price of oil, gasoline, baby food, housing and shelter, and the government would bail me out if it all tanks," Sid Barringer, a Los Angeles bankruptcy attorney and day trader, said in an exclusive interview. "This proposal should make the next welfare mother, the scourge of society, think twice before considering having another baby."

The renewed banking effort is part of a wide-ranging regulatory push in the United States and Europe amid the credit crunch that has devastated many banks and investors. Major ratings services -- Moody's Corp.'s Moody's Investors Service, McGraw-Hill Cos.' Standard & Poor's and Fimalac SA's Fitch Ratings-- have been blamed by some for underestimating the risk of default on hundreds of billions of dollars on mortgage debt.

Financial insiders said the proposed rules unveil a dirty secret of some bond investors who simply bought securities with the highest yield for a given rating, which is why they snapped up complicated securities tied to subprime mortgages. Those securities often got high ratings but yielded more than standard securities with the same rating, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TYDN wire services contributed to this report.

Arctic Scientists Embracing Winter Darkness

MCMURDO STATION, Antarctica -- (TYDN) The absence of sunlight has engulfed this American scientific outpost here, where the first sunrise won't be visible for two months, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The last supplies to this scientific research hub have just arrived from Wellington, New Zealand, about 2,200 miles to the north. The remaining 125 scientists and staff, who will endure subfreezing temperatures for months, will have to make do with what the U.S. Antarctic Program has delivered.

It's a rag-tag team of patriotic male and female volunteers who stay on as a skeleton staff through one of the harshest winters on Earth. The U.S. government has sent 16,500 condoms, 150 kegs of beer, various crates of snack chips and vodka, a truckload of toilet paper, 16,500 doses of Viagra, scientific equipment and massive amounts of aspirin.

Bill Henriksen, the manager of the McMurdo base station, said he only ordered a fraction of supplies compared to past winters. "It's constantly dark here. You can't go outside and there's not that much to do," he said. "This year, we're foregoing shipments of tanning lotion, sun glasses, swim trunks, lawn mowers, the ice-making machines, ice cream and sprinkler systems."

Members of the skeleton crew said working here in the winter is not as glamorous as it might seem, according to Chuck Upton, a 34-year-old anthropologist from Southern California who studies sheep migration.

"Our beer rations aren't available each day until after noon. And do you know how embarrassing it is to ask the pharmacist for another dozen rubbers and for more hits of Viagra?" Upton asked. "Everybody knows everybody. And everybody knows that I haven't done it with anyone of them out here."

Ina Neednit, a climatologist from Chicago, said it will be her third winter here. She does not share Upton's grim view. "I just feel so beautiful, so wanted," the 300-pound Neednit said. "I just seem to glow in the absence of light."

CBS is planning a reality TV show in which it will secretly bring the skeleton crew's spouses to this remote camp, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Sources told TheYellowDailyNews that CBS was experimenting with a new breed of reality television, where a series is concocted not knowing its ultimate theme. One CBS executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said it was not clear "whether the show will devolve into another '70s swinger show or a horror film."

In the summer, the base is home to some 1,000 researchers and staff. Sunlight is not forecast until Aug. 20.

Photo: elisfanclub

Book Deal for (Alleged) Killer Busted by Alert Officer

ALBERMARLE, N.C. -- (TYDN) Betty Neumar, the 76-year-old grandma jailed here and suspected of murdering five husbands over three decades, has signed a deal to publish her memoir "If I killed My Husbands (and I Didn't) Here's How I Would Have Done It," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

A Penguin Books spokeswoman confirmed the $1 million deal, first reported on the TheYellowDailyNews' website late Thursday.

Neumar, a housewife through five husbands in this blue-collar town in North Carolina, says in the book that, if she would have killed her husbands, she would have had them "shot in the back in what was a staged home-invasion robbery," according to excerpts, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews.

Neumar, jailed on suspicion of hiring a hit man to off her fifth husband, writes, "If I wanted to have my husbands killed, I would have paid somebody, go out of town, come home and look kinda shocked when I saw them lying in a pool of blood in the kitchen."

According to police reports, her fifth husband, John Neumar, was "shot in the back in what was a staged home-invasion robbery while his wife was out of town."

The woman's attorney, Charles Krauthehiemer, said there was no relationship between the fictions "Ms. Neumar was writing in her book and what happened to her husband, John, or to her four other husbands."

Sources said the woman earned $5 million in life insurance payouts, all from Mutual of Omaha, which never questioned the five claims.

Albemarle police are crediting a veteran detective with solving the mystery.

"She looked kinda shocked when she saw John Neumar lying in a pool of blood in the kitchen when I responded to her house where she's lived for 40 years," Det. Jason Keeneye said in an exclusive interview. "She had proof she was out of town."

"Then it started to add up. I remembered that the same thing happened a few years before in the same house, and some time before that and some time before that and so on -- all in the same house and they were all shot in the back, on a pool of blood," added Keeneye, who was handed the Detective of the Year Award from the city of Albemarle. "I started getting suspicious after the fourth husband was killed the same way, in the same place, in the kitchen. The fifth time just pushed me over the cliff."

In an exclusive jailhouse interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Betty Neumar, her balding gray hair draping her orange jail jumpsuit, said she was innocent. She added that she was engaged to marry a sixth husband, but the wedding was called off after she discovered him "lying in a pool of blood in the kitchen after I returned home from being out of town."

"He was a victim of a home-invasion robbery," she said.

First CA Married Lesbian Couple Divorcing

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) San Francisco lesbians Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon made unprecedented history on both Monday and Tuesday, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

On Monday, the partners of 55 years were the first to marry under a California Supreme Court decision overturning state law allowing only opposite-sex couples to tie the knot. Thousands of other same-sex couples across the Golden State also wedded.

But hours after San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom officiated the historic Martin-Lyon wedding, the self-declared "spouses for life" filed for divorce on Tuesday, thus becoming California's first same-sex marriage couple seeking to dissolve their nuptials.

The marriage was 18 hours old.

"It wasn't long until after she said, 'I do,' that she turned into a raving bitch," Lyon, 83, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview here. "And then that arm fat, her arm fat looked like it grew inches during the ceremony."

For her part, Martin, 87, who now uses a wheelchair, said she suspected her new wife married her for her money.

"Jesus Christ, I barely kissed the bride and suddenly she started ringing up my credit card like money grew on trees," Martin said. "What really pissed me off was the plywood coffin she ordered for me on overnight delivery."

The divorce filing came hours after the San Francisco Police Department responded to a domestic dispute call at the divorcing couple's Pacific Heights neighborhood apartment that they've shared for four decades, SFPD sources said.

"One of them wanted to move the couch and re-arrange some furniture, I can't remember who, and the other just broke down, saying she couldn't live under these conditions anymore, that she wanted to see other people," an officer who responded to the scene, who requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media, told TheYellowDailyNews.

"They just started throwing stuff, and screaming, 'I'm sick of you. Get out and I hate your parents,'" the officer said.

The divorce papers, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, cited "irreconcilable differences" as grounds for the divorce.

After Massachusetts, California became the nation's second state to allow same-sex marriage. California's same-sex nuptials, which were sanctioned to begin at 5:01 p.m. on Monday, were a result of Lyon and Martin suing, claiming they should be treated the same as opposite-sex couples.

Photo: bilericoproject

Schwarzenegger, Meteorologists Face Treason Charges

SACRAMENTO -- (TYDN) California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was arrested here late Thursday and charged with treason for declaring a statewide drought after two years of below-average rainfall -- dryness the governor said was causing extreme fire danger across the Golden State.

Federal agents stormed Schwarzenegger's office at the statehouse here about 11 p.m. on Thursday.

The agents accused him of treason against the United States. He was whisked away to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and will likely be executed along with as many as 600 other enemy combatants rounded up in Afghanistan and Iraq for plotting against the United States.

Schwarzenegger was the first arrested in DroughtGate, in what was followed by dozens of other arrests of California meteorologists. They, too, are accused of treason, of alerting al-Qaida via their news broadcasts that the state was suffering from one of its worst droughts, and informing the public that fire conditions were dangerously high.

"What Mr. Schwarzenegger did, and what those pawns in the media echoed, was a message to the terrorists, to the people that hate us, that all they have to do is toss a lit cigarette into the brush and they can conflate massive chaos," President Bush said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Once again, you're either with the fight against terror, or you're complicit with terror. Clearly, Schwarzenegger and all of his media acolytes are for terror."

Moments after Bush's exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews in the Oval Office, his spokeswoman, Dana Perino, immediately clarified that the Republican president had misspoken.

"The president in no way made an overture that the tobacco industry, with the millions of deaths that they have caused to men, woman and children globally, in no way did he mean to say the tobacco industry was affiliated with terrorism," Perino said. "The president meant to say that terrorists could toss a lit match into the brush, not a cigarette."

Civil rights groups, including the American Civil Liberties Union, immediately defended the president.

The ACLU noted that treasonous speech was indefensible and carried no First Amendment protections, just like child pornography. "How many people will now die, will be endangered because of Mr. Schwarzenegger's reprehensible speech?" asked Anthony Romero, the ACLU's executive director.

Schwarzenegger spokesman, Aaron McLear, said the governor was sorry for endangering the nation, for sullying the good name of California, which produces the world's sixth largest economy.

"Since he was Mr. Universe, he's gotten pretty flabby. We hope this time in Gitmo, he'll take the opportunity to shed a few pounds and pump some iron," McLear said. "Then he'll be ready for the next 'Terminator' movie or, in the alternative, look good for his execution."

The Justice Department said as many as 56 meteorologists for the news media was also rounded up and hauled to Guantanamo Bay. Representatives for the media denied any wrongdoing but apologized for what they conceded was "egregious acts of treason," which is likely to carry a death sentence for Schwarzenegger and the weathermen and weatherwomen.

"We were in the process of abandoning our weather coverage on our news stations and moving toward focusing exclusively on hyping our reality TV shows," CBS President Leslie Moonves said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

"Our next show is a combination of professional eating while forbidding the players from going to the bathroom," Moonves said.

Executives for ABC immediately countered, saying they would offer a similar show, but demand the participants sleep with their opponents' wives, a show ABC News President David Westin described as a "tinder box minus the treason."

Photo:  woodleywonderworks

McCain Won't Tap VP Running Mate

HANOI, Vietnam -- (TYDN) Sen. John McCain will accept the Republican Party nomination for U.S. president and will go on the ticket absent a vice-presidential running mate, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Four McCain campaign operatives, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to publicize the strategy, said the Arizona senator is expected to announce in Hanoi, Vietnam, that he is going solo perhaps as early as Wednesday.

"It's more than just the senator knowing that nobody believes in God as much as he does," one McCain operative told TheYellowDailyNews late Tuesday. "He doesn't think anybody else has killed as many people, as many enemies of the United States as he has. He doesn't want to be seen as coddling to the weak."

Revisionist historians said it was the first time in the republic's history that a presidential candidate has declined a vice president to appear alongside on the ballot. While some historians suggested the approach verged on despotism, others said it was a natural evolutionary flow following President Bush's two terms in office.

"There's nobody there to bring McCain the candidate down in this election," USC historian Farquadia Marumama said in an exclusive interview. "For eight years, Bush lived under the shadow of what's his name, Dick Cheney, the vice president, that dead guy behind the curtain that nobody has seen alive for years, but a guy many thought was pulling the strings."

Another McCain operative, speaking on condition of anonymity, said McCain would deliver the news in a makeshift bamboo cage outside Hanoi here, where he was held captive during the Vietnam War for five years. The candidate, the operative said, is expected to tell a news conference that any potential running mate "could never live up to my love for country, the thirst to kill for that country and my love for Jesus."

Strategists said the move has pushed into a corner McCain's rival, Sen. Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee for president. The Illinois senator, who just defeated New York Sen. Hillary Clinton in the primary, has not made up his mind whether he, too, would go solo during the November election.

Several Obama strategists, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the country's first black man on a major presidential party ticket was mulling a female running mate. But the strategists and Obama are unsure whether Clinton is the right choice, although many strategists suggest she would solidify the ticket.

"We're considering a white woman, a lesbian, somebody with broad appeal who gave birth to a black child after divorcing a Muslim man who beat her, didn't allow her to drive and beat her again after she drove to church and later converted to Judaism," one Obama operative said. "She must have dabbled in pornography, been victimized in a nunnery, practiced criminal defense and later quit the bar to adopt Chinese children while working at a convenience store in Middle America who shot at least two armed robbers with an unregistered handgun she carried in her overalls."

Photo: ZekeSaysSo

J.Lo Hospitalized After Buttocks Catch Fire

SOUTH BEACH, Miami -- (TYDN) Singer, actress and model Jennifer Lopez was rushed to a local hospital here after her buttocks caught fire at a night club party, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The actress, who Playboy magazine rated as having the "hottest" buttocks in Hollywood, was dancing at Café Polozonoblo when her buttocks suddenly turned into a raging conflagration late Sunday, witnesses said.

"I was having a beer and staring at her buttocks while she was swirling around on the dance floor and I was thinking, 'I definitely want a piece of that,' and suddenly her buttocks ignited," partygoer James Wilson said. "Her buttocks were so smoking hot; they just started flaming right there before my eyes."

Other witnesses said dozens of partygoers were trampled when J.Lo's entourage rushed the Latin sensation from the club. Internet chat sites were filled with discussions on whether the flames marked an end of an era.

Investigators from Barclays Insurance Group PLC, which has insured Lopez' buttocks for $1 billion, immediately dispatched to the scene as many as 20 investigators from its Assets Department. One South Beach police official, speaking on condition of anonymity because he has not been authorized to publicize the investigation, said dozens of South Beach Fire Department investigators are scrutinizing the blaze.

"A lot of the guys immediately stepped up to probe this," the police official said. "They hope to get to the bottom soon."

A spokesman for the Our Lady the Mercy Hospital in South Beach said Lopez's husband, Latin music sensation Marc Anthony, was at the 38-year-old star's bedside. The actress, popularly nicknamed J.Lo, "is recovering from severe burns on her buttocks," said hospital spokeswoman Nila Forlorn.

Forlorn declined to provide details about the severity of the burns and whether both cheeks fell victim. J.Lo spokesman Haklan Roswellio also declined to give details, but said there was some discord with the medical staff on how to treat Lopez.

"They've been butting heads and calling each other's treatment plans asinine," Roswellio said.

The National Inquirer posted on its website a picture of what appeared to capture the moment Lopez's buttocks became engulfed in flames. Paparazzi photographer Burt Bunseyedo, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said it was a picture of a lifetime.

"My lens has been trained on her buttocks for years," Bunseyedo said. "Her buttocks literally combusted. I think many of us knew this would happen."

Photo: Chris1002x

Gas Station Sign Changers Suffering, Unionizing

LOS ANGELES -- (TYDN) Thousands of gas station workers are suffering from what health experts are labeling "repetitive marquee sign stress syndrome," a condition linked to changing signage at gas stations dozens of times daily to reflect the ever-increasing price of petroleum.

The AFL-CIO is haggling with the nation's largest oil concerns in a bid to unionize these workers, who battle frigid temperatures, snow, rain, fog, wind and the boiling heat to keep motorists informed of the always changing price of gasoline -- all for meager wages of about $6.25 hourly.

Some marquee sign changers must climb shaky ladders while braving extreme heights. All the while, they succumb to the screams from their supervisors and they are also victims of constant threats from angry motorists when these sign changers meticulously rearrange the plastic numbers to reflect skyrocketing gas prices that are eroding the American Dream.

The Justice Department was mulling whether to declare acts of violence against gas station marquee sign changers a hate crime after a motorist got out of his car and kicked the ladder from under a sign changer, causing the sign changer to plummet 25 feet and breaking both legs at an Arkansas gas station last week. The American Civil Liberties Union was strongly lobbying against the proposal, which increases any crime's penalty up to five years if directed at a marquee sign changer.

"This legislation doesn't make a distinction to when the sign changer is on or off the job," ACLU spokeswoman Norma Mailanandra said in an exclusive interview. "Does this mean that if I rob a marquee sign changer who is working the cash register, not knowing he is a marquee sign changer, I'm going to get rung up with extra time? That's a First Amendment violation of the highest order."

When President Bush took office in 2001, the average nationwide price for a gallon of regular unleaded was $1.46 a gallon and remained steady. Today, gas nervously hovers at $4 a gallon.

Until recently, marquee sign changing was among the plumb assignments for gas station attendants, a dangerous duty usually exercised once a day and sometimes getting these brave minimum-wage soldiers out of bathroom-cleanup duty.

But that plush lifestyle is now eroding along with the American Dream as speculators and the world's petroleum companies -- fearing the apocalypse, endless war and famine -- have pushed the price of a barrel to record levels of $130, with prices endlessly fluctuating throughout the day.

Several sign changers nationwide told reporters from TheYellowDailyNews that they're now forced to recast gas prices all day long, regardless of the weather. Many are suffering unusual shoulder and hand pain from what some experts say mirrors carpal tunnel-like complications. Other sign changers are suffering the psychological toll of being verbally accosted by motorists unhappy with the cost of gas.

"There I was, for the tenth time that day, in the blistering cold and howling wind, on a 10-foot ladder changing the price when this drunken dude driving an old Ford green pickup started yelling that he was gonna kidnap my daughter and perform unspeakable acts on her," said one ExxonMobil marquee sign changer, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he feared he could lose his job for publicizing the event that happened last week outside a South-Central gas station here.

What's more, hundreds of marquee sign changers have been fired, or demoted to bathroom-cleaning duties, after complaining about the dangerous and unhealthy conditions. The AFL-CIO is attempting to unionize the nation's estimated 22,457 marquee sign changers in a bid to get better wages and less ladder time, union sources familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews.

"These marquee sign changers are the forgotten heroes in the oil wars who brave the elements, and when they complain, they're being fired in unprecedented numbers and in violation of federal law," one union source said.

One oil executive, who earns more per day than a marquee sign changer could in a lifetime, told TheYellowDailyNews that the industry opposes a marquee sign changing union. The exectutive said gas would soon reach $5 a gallon if one was approved.

"These marquee sign changers are greedy, and are the cause of the spike in gas prices," said the executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he has not been authorized to discuss the real reasons for high gas prices.

Photo: Marshall Astor - Food Pornographer

Grinning Texas Polygamists Greet Returning Kids

ELDORADO, Texas -- (TYDN) Smiling and grinning polygamists welcomed with open arms the return Tuesday of about 400 children removed weeks ago from a polygamist sect's private compound here.

The children -- from infants to teenagers --were allowed to move back to Yearning For Zion Ranch, where Texas child-welfare officials have alleged that underage girls were pushed into spiritual marriages with older men and forced to have sex with their fathers. The parents claimed there was no abuse, and the Texas Supreme Court ruled that state welfare workers went too far in removing the children amid allegations that as many as 31 of the teen-aged girls was pregnant.

The Texas high court, ruling last week that only 30 of the girls was pregnant, said the Texas Child Protective Services agency "went too far and leveled false allegations to these God-fearing and loving worshippers of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."

The Fundamentalist church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints preaches that polygamy brings glorification in heaven. It is a breakaway sect of the Mormon Church, which renounced polygamy more than a century ago.

A sect elder, speaking on condition of anonymity because he has not been authorized to address the media, told TheYellowDailyNews in front of a gate at the locked compound here that many of the parents were excited to see the return of the children, who were removed three weeks ago amid the pregnancy allegations and accusations of sexual abuse.

"We're just looking forward to when little children can be in the arms of their parents," the elder said. "Until you have your children in your hands, there's no relief."

As part of the children's return, the sect's men at Yearning For Zion Ranch, many having as many as a dozen wives and untold number of children, promised not to force sex on the children and instead agreed only to have intercourse with minors who consent. The Texas high court said removal of the children also was not necessary because the young girls, about 253 of the 400 children, would be forced to wear chastity belts.

Child welfare workers, who would be charged with maintaining the keys to the chastity belts, opposed the kids' return. They argued that chastity belts would not protect against anal and oral sex.

The chief of Texas' child protective services agency, his five deputies, secretary and dog were scheduled to be executed by lethal injection as punishment for overstepping their authority when they ordered the removal of the kids last month, the Texas high court declared. Only a stay by the U.S. Supreme Court could halt their Wednesday morning scheduled executions.

TheYellowDailyNews wire services contributed to this report.

NRA Wants Concealed Weapons on Flights

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration is mulling lifting the ban of concealed weapons on U.S-based passenger air flights, a move government officials say would allow fliers to defend themselves from hijackings, rapes, robberies and other crimes running rampant in the sky and at airports, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The proposed changes, which are being pushed by the National Rifle Association, follow the Interior Department's lifting of the ban on concealed weapons in National Parks. That plan is designed to allow vacationers to protect themselves from armed bears, packs of hostile wolves, non-Christians, minorities and gays and lesbians who may have wandered aimlessly into the nation's scenic treasures.

"Imagine stumbling into an inter-racial same-sex marriage, right there on a grassy knoll in a public, national park," NRA lobbyist Chris Cox said.

Three Bush administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to discuss the airline rule changes, told TheYellowDailyNews early Monday that allowing fliers to secretly arm themselves in airports and in the sky "is what the Second Amendment to the U.S Constitution stands for, and more than likely would have prevented 9-11."

"Terrorists, knowing that the person sitting next to them might be armed, would think twice before trying to dive-bomb the plane into buildings," one of the officials said.

But it was unclear whether the plan would come to fruition. While the NRA has given millions to the administration in favor of the change, the airport security lobby strongly objects to the changeover and has been funneling millions of dollars to the administration and members of Congress.

Security lobbyists, representing the makers of metal detectors, face recognition machines, stun guns, batons, medical gloves and lubrication, say lifting the ban on weapons threatens fliers' safety and could ruin the one-of-a-kind atmosphere at airports and aboard planes.

"With every traveler already thinking everybody else is a terrorist and wanting to take down the plane or blow up the airport, adding concealed weapons to that mental mix is a dangerous elixir," said Franklin Dentin, president of Dentin Airport Security Systems, a contractor who has sold millions of manuals to the government with titles like "Strip Searching Made Easy" and "The Need for Cavity Searches in the Richard Reid Aftermath."

Administration officials said they were tallying campaign contributions, kickbacks and bribes from both sides of the debate. The Federal Registrar defines concealed weapons as "any weapon that is concealed."

Bush administration officials are expected to publicize the proposal in the coming days as they finalize the plan and weigh whether to open the door to concealed weapons for every airline passenger.

Some officials favor opening it to all, even to under-aged and mentally ill fliers, a move that insiders say would send the strongest message to potential terrorists and airport rogues.

Other officials suggest that the right to carry concealed weapons on flights should be granted only to those who have donated at least $1,000 to the Republican Party or the NRA. Donations would be accepted at airport security checkpoints.

Many administration officials, however, were lining up against allowing concealed weapons for passengers with one-way tickets or those with shampoo, suntan lotion or bottled water in their carry-on bags.

Polygamy Ruling Sets Fire to Polyandry Ire

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Thousands of protesters were injured and arrested here Friday after the U.S. Supreme Court sanctioned polygamy as lesbians, gays, and straight women and those unsure of their sexual identity objected to what they decried as "unconstitutional marriages unavailable to them in this form."

Secret Service agents reported the arrest of 4,963 protesters and 986 hostiles who were hospitalized, many with serious injuries after riots broke out in front of the high court's chambers here.

The high court, ruling in a Texas case brought by 19 husbands of 386 wives, declared that the Equal Protection Clause of the U.S. Constitution granted these men the right to marry as many women at the same time as they wished.

A lower court said such arrangements went against the moral fabric of the institution of marriage that existed since the beginning of mankind.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the 9-0 majority, said that the Constitution guaranteed men the right to marry, notwithstanding how many women and children were at stake. "The male species, with his infinite wisdom, and blessing from God, retains the authority to as many wives as God sees fit," Roberts wrote for the court. "God says there are no limits."

The Gay and Lesbian and Straight Women Coalition objected. As many as 300 of their members were hospitalized after they were beaten by police here after the court's decision barring them from having an infinite number of wives, husbands or partners.

Protesters said the decision tinged with inequality.

Many women threw Molotov cocktails as they protested the high court's decision that did not allow them to practice polyandry. "When will the courts recognize that we have the right to marry as many men at the same time as we want?" asked Pat Smith, a spokeswoman for the Same-Alternate Sex Coalition Now Campaign. "That's bullshit that men can marry as many women as they want but women, gay women and gay men cannot marry as many as they want."

Texas civil servants urged the court to ban the practice of polygamy after hundreds of the men's children were impregnated at an early age of perhaps 13 or 14, many inseminated by their fathers

"That fact does not interfere with these men's rights to practice polygamy, a generally accepted practice in separatist's parts of the Christian religion and throughout Texas and Utah," Roberts ruled. "These children were well fed, housed and generally taken care of."

The biggest protests were in the Castro District of San Francisco, where gays and lesbians had been seeking the right to marry multiple partners.

The California Supreme Court ruled two weeks ago that gays and lesbians had a right to marry just one same-sex partner. But the protesters said the decision did not go far enough because multiple nuptials were not allowed under the historic ruling.

Dikes 'R Us Club spokeswoman Pat Worman was outraged by the high court's decision. "Once again, straight men get all of the benefits," Worman said. "The right to marry is the right to marry and we should be able to marry as many woman as necessary."

Pro-marriage groups applauded the high court's decision. "That men can have multiple wives is what we've been fighting for," Les Bowman, a spokesman for the Marriage Now Institute, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Screw the lesbos and fags. They can't reproduce and without that, society is dead."

Photo: wvs

Obama, Clinton Trading Assassination Barbs

MIDDLETOWN, Conn. -- (TYDN) Sen. Barack Obama called Wednesday for the assassination of rival presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton, days after the New York senator demanded his assassination, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Scholars said it was the first time in U.S. presidential election history in which two candidates from the same party proposed the death of the other ahead of their party's national convention. Analysts said it was a bold move by Obama to announce what many had been quietly hoping for.

Some pundits speculated the move was designed to put the United States on par with many third world and developing nations. Other strategists, however, said the back-and-forth assassination barbs perhaps were a surefire way to get their opponent out of the race.

With Clinton nearly mathematically eliminated from gaining the Democratic Party's nod, political operatives have been calling for her ouster. A National Rifle Association source, speaking on condition of anonymity, urged would-be assassins to use means other than guns.

"Guns don't kill people. People kill people," the NRA source told TheYellowDailyNews.

Obama, speaking here to graduates of Wesleyan University, said "America has had enough of Clinton. She should drop out of the race or be killed. I have no preference."

Obama spokesman Bill Burton, however, denied that Obama was calling for the New York senator's assassination. "What he meant was that, if she doesn't drop out of the race, she is gonna be killed by him at the party's convention in August," Burton told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Just because she wants him dead doesn't mean he wants her dead."

A CNN-Gallop Poll survey suggested voters were on board with either of the candidates' assassination. Others suggested both should die "and end this farce of an election devoid of issues."

Obama has 1,962 delegates, according to an Associated Press tally, putting him 64 delegates shy of the 2,026 needed to clinch the party's nomination. Clinton has 1,779 delegates, or 247 short of becoming the Democrats' presidential candidate.

With just three contests to go, Obama, if he is not assassinated, would face off against Sen. John McCain, the Republican nominee from Arizona. Pundits applauded McCain's resolve in what some analysts have dubbed AssinGate. "I don't care which one is assassinated," McCain said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Clinton and Obama began demanding the other's assassination on Friday when Clinton called for his death at an editorial board meeting with the South Dakota Argus Leader. She said she would stay in the race, despite the long-shot odds that she could muster enough delegates to clinch the nomination.

"We all remember, Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California," Clinton said, referring to the Kennedy assassination at the end of the 1968 Democratic presidential race as she dismissed the idea of abandoning the primary contest.

A Clinton spokesman, Mo Elleithee, denied that the candidate wanted Obama dead. "Not all assassination attempts end in death," Elleithee said. "Sometimes the target is incapacitated. Ask Ronald Reagan."

Photo: azrainman

Americans Remember War Dead on Memorial Day

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. -- (TYDN) Memorial Day events got underway Sunday and were to continue nationwide Monday to remember the men and women killed in the line of U.S. military duty, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

From the deep-fried, chocolate-covered Twinkie stand along the boardwalk here, to the nation's strip clubs, crack houses, auto lots and swap meets, Americans old and young celebrated the nation's history of perpetual war.

At the carnival along the beach boardwalk here in Santa Cruz, about 100 men, women and children in line to pay $5.50 for chocolate-covered fried Twinkies bowed in a moment of silence to honor the fallen.

"I'm so thankful to those who have given their lives, who have given us Americana, to those that have fought for me to be here with my children to taste the American Dream," said 26-year-old James Garrett, who travelled 300 miles from Bakersfield, Calif., to be the first in line at the Twinkie stand with his 6-year-old twin daughters early Sunday.

At 325 pounds, Garrett was one of the svelte in the fried Twinkie line. He was among the few here who mustered enough stamina to pound his chest as a squadron of Blue Angels fighter jets roared overhead. "This is America," he shouted as he chomped into two fried Twinkies he mashed together, a delicious concoction he dubbed the "Artery Fogger."

Memorial Day, once the unofficial beginning of the summer travel season until gasoline prices became out of reach to most Americans, is a solemn day to remember the dead, those who were cut down on the shores of Normandy, those who were blown to smithereens at Pearl Harbor and those felled by roadside bombs in Iraq, Afghanistan or wherever lands to which U.S. soldiers were dispatched in the name of freedom.

Jason McTavish was giving his thanks while at the Crazy Horse Saloon strip club and cat-house just outside Las Vegas. The 40-year-old married father of three, fresh from being serviced by a 15-year-old runaway girl, slowly raised his shot of Jack Daniel's in remembrance. "Another round," he said. "Bring me another girl."

McTavish, like the car buyers, the flea market shoppers, the heroin addicts and short-order cooks honoring those who paid for their freedom in blood, were unaware that Monday marked the 140th observance of Memorial Day in the United States. The first was in 1868, when veterans of the Civil War designated a day in May to honor "the memory of our heroic dead."

President Bush, responsible for the 4,081 celebrations to remember U.S. soldiers that died in the five years since he started the perpetual war in Iraq, was repeatedly interrupted by his handlers as he spoke to a cheering crowd at Arlington National Cemetery. "We are here to honor the 4,081 men and women who gave..."

He paused as his speech writer handed him a note. "We are here to honor the 4,082 men and women who..." Another note, "We are here to honor the 4,083..."

On the advice of his speech writer, the president continued after several interruptions. "We are here to honor the more than 4,000..."

Meanwhile, in South Beach, Miami, Jordan Belachemy had just driven his new 2008 Hummer off the lot. "I wouldn't be able to do this if our boys weren't out there in all corners of the globe driving around in their Hummer's," Belachemy said. "And some of those Hummers even have armored plating. How cool is that?"

More than 3,000 miles away, in San Francisco, the 325-member staff of TheYellowDailyNews put their pencils and phones down and took a moment of silence. Each staffer gave thanks that Saddam Hussein was executed in 2006 and no longer a threat to their livelihoods.

Photo: wheresthebrain

Oil Execs Tell Congress Regulation is ‘Communism’

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The stage was set.

Member of Congress took their private jets from their home districts. Their private limousines met them at the airport and brought them here to the capitol.

The stage was set for what USA Today had billed as "the Super Bowl of Congressional hearings."

Executives from the United States' five largest petroleum concerns were readying to face off with the Democratic-controlled Senate Judiciary Committee, where it was certain the executives would be grilled by members of Congress about regular gasoline averaging more than $3.80 a gallon nationwide. A barrel of oil was more than $133, also a record.

The hearing comes on the back of five other similar hearings when oil hit $60 per barrel, then $80, then $100, $115 and rose again Thursday. For the sixth time in as many months, members of Congress suggested that the five companies -- Exxon Mobil, Chevron, Shell Oil, BP America and ConocoPhillips -- were to blame for the skyrocketing high prices.

But the oil executives, on the advice of their attorneys, were instructed to answer each question with the same word.

"Does it trouble any of you when you see what you're doing to us?" asked Sen. Richard Durbin, D-Ill.

"Communism," the five executives responded in a chorus.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., accused the executives of lacking an "ethical compass about the price of gasoline."

"Communism," the executives again responded, in the same chorus.

The executives were asked 43 questions in total, and never strayed from the party line.

Oil industry analyst, Nathan Slick, suggested that the executives, whose companies profited $36 billion in the first quarter of this year, answered "Communism" to every question in an effort to send a message to the senators that any proposal to regulate supply side economics would amount to "Communism."

"This is an in-your-face approach," Slick said. "They know the lawmakers don't want to be seen as Communists. They don't want the next hearing to be the McCarthy-era style witch hunts."

"If they mentioned one iota of regulation," Slick added, "voters would kick them out of office and accuse them of being the next Fidel Castro. They'd walk miles to the polls even if they couldn't afford gasoline."

One Senate staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly, said the committee was grandstanding ahead of the Memorial Day weekend, when gasoline prices are expected to increase and set further records.

"Congress has not demanded automakers to increase the number of miles-per-gallon output for vehicles, has not mandated energy saving in general and has not authorized any new oil drilling or refineries in the United States in 30 years," the analyst said. "Most oil comes from overseas, from nation's sponsoring terror, and these lawmakers know it but want to divert attention."

The hearing was cut short so members of Congress, the oil executives and President Bush and Vice President Cheney could meet for a quick fundraiser in the Rose Garden. The gala was closed to members of the media.

But one insider who attended the festival told TheYellowDailyNews that Bush, who had just returned from Saudi Arabia where he was named "Man of the Year," predicted oil would hit $165 per barrel in the coming weeks.

To a standing ovation, and as the oil executives hoisted the president in the air, Bush rated oil as a "buy" on the futures market.

Barely audible over the screaming crowd, Bush stole a line from the oil executives and inverted it. "Capitalismo," he shouted.

Photo: Jose Tellez

McCain to Unveil ‘Bold’ Foreign Policy Plan

PEARL HARBOR, Hawaii -- (TYDN) Republican Party presidential nominee John McCain is set to unveil a far-reaching foreign policy proposal, one blending engagement, disengagement and isolationism in what experts said was a bold move by a candidate to announce any policy ahead of an election, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

McCain, the Republican senator from Arizona, is set to showcase the plan here Wednesday at the USS Arizona Memorial, where Japan's invasion prompted the United States to enter World War II 67 years ago, according to sources, speaking on condition of anonymity

It is the first time a presidential candidate announced a proposal ahead of a November election since the first President Bush did so in 1988, in his "Read My Lips" speech at the Republican National Convention in which he falsely promised "No New Taxes."

"McCain's strategy is bold, to tell the American people, and the world, where he stands on an issue before an election," said Harvard revisionist historian Norman Jeffreys. "Usually, the winner boils down to who gets more mud to stick, who wins the media and who spends more money. I just cannot stress enough how bold this is."

McCain strategists, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to discuss the policy until McCain's speech at the war memorial here, said the foreign policy plan includes disengaging from all nations that don't provide any oil or have any export-import relations with the United States.

The policy also calls for engaging-disengaging with all countries that practice terror, except for those terrorist nations that supply oil to the United States or have import-export relations with the United States.

The McCain strategy also calls for an open-closed door policy to countries that have nuclear arms, those building them or those considering them, a proposal Brookings Institute international relations scholar Johansson Bowman declared as the most far-reaching "approach to international relations since the George Washington administration."

"His policy to isolate largely from the rest of the world, other than most of the world is unprecedented," Bowman said. "The world is either with the United States or against the United States, and McCain's policy captures that wonderfully."

The proposal comes days after McCain blasted Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic candidate, when Obama said if elected he would engage with Costa Rica, the tiny Central American country that has no military or any business relations with the United States.

"That Obama would engage with a country, with people who don't hate us, who don't want to kill us and who don't want to blow us off the face of the earth defies logic," McCain said in an interview on the Fox News Channel.

Obama operatives said they would unveil their own foreign policy plan following McCain's announcement Wednesday.

"We are planning on offering an olive branch to Japan, to settle their horrific acts against us at Pearl Harbor," an Obama operative said on condition of anonymity. "We will also alert the world that, Japan as our example, that we won't hesitate to drop the nuclear bomb again."

Presidential strategists applauded Obama's forthcoming proposal. Jonathon Scotia, a presidential analyst with the Heritage Foundation, suggested McCain should counter Obama, and tell voters he wouldn't "hesitate to drop nuclear bombs."

Passengers Safe Under New Airport Security Measures

HONOLULU -- (TYDN) Security officials on Sunday announced new anti-terrorism security measures for U.S.-based airports and passenger flights, standards the U.S. government said are likely to stave off a hijacking, bombing and "another September 11."

The measures, one of which require passengers to power on their laptop computers in front of Transportation Security Administration officials when travelers are at airport security checkpoints, is expected to dramatically reduce the number of bombs masquerading as computers.

"This new safety feature ensures the safety of our airlines and flights," said Michael Chertoff, the departing chief of the Department of Homeland Security. "Instead of these lethal explosives detonating at 30,000 feet and wreaking havoc in the skies, any explosion will occur in the airport, at the security checkpoint, hence ensuring the safety of fliers."

Another of the sweeping security measures are new rules forbidding large packages of lotions, liquids and gels. Instead, fliers can carry on 3.4-ounce packages of gels, lotions or liquids. The authorities suspect that such substances, when combined, can create explosive devices. Limiting their amount reduces the danger of a passenger concocting an explosive elixir at their seat or in the lavatory.

What's more, the potential explosive nature of the gels, lotions and liquids is neutralized when they are placed in a plastic sandwich bag, a new requirement hailed by security experts and Chertoff. "These bags, which can keep a sandwich safe, will also help us stave off another September. 11," said Chertoff, who was addressing reporters here at the Honolulu International Airport.

Brian McTernian, a security expert with GSML Security Pros, applauded the far-reaching, new security measures. While slicing his burrito with a plastic knife obtained from the La Cucaracha concession stand next to a Hawaiian Airlines gate inside the Honolulu airport, he applauded Chertoff's leadership.

"We think this should prompt resurgence in the ailing airline industry," McTernian said. "People have been staying away from flying, thinking it was too dangerous."

Other security experts said the new measures will compliment others adopted immediately following the Sept. 11, 2001 terror attacks. Industry insiders suggest that as many as 29.3 hijackings have been avoided under guidelines requiring airline bag and passenger checkers to ask fliers whether they have planted a bomb in their luggage or in somebody else's luggage.

Other safety features, including demanding fliers to show their identification perhaps dozens of times upon entering the airport, has stopped as many as 45.7 hijackings, the government said.

Having to display your driver's license or passport to the bag checker, the TSA official at the back of the line at the security checkpoint, then show it again to the official right before you go through the metal detector and again to another official right afterward "is a genius safety measure," said security expert Hans Blixson, of Craft Screening Systems.

"And showing your ID again when you get your boarding pass and again when you board, this prevents somebody from changing their identity at the airport, and hence keeps fliers safer," Blixson said.

But another security expert, Jamison Turkoff, said the ID program is not 100 percent effective. "We've seen a few instances upon which hijackers have smuggled identification-making equipment into the airport and have changed their identities," said Turkoff, president of the airport screening manufacturing firm, Safety First. "The only way to stop this is to perform full cavity searches. We might as well start them now, rather than wait until it's too late."

Same-Sex Marriage Ruling Prompts Rioting

SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Thousands rioted in the streets here Thursday following the California Supreme Court's deeply divided decision striking down a state law defining marriage as between a man and woman.

The justice's 4-3 ruling makes California the nation's only state to outlaw marriage. The high court's decision was in response to a lawsuit brought by gays and lesbians challenging a 1977 state law defining marriage as being solely between a man and woman.

Demonstrators broke windows, blocked traffic, overturned cars and many of them fought and ridiculed one another outside the high court's chambers following the justices' decision. Analysts predicted the explosive ruling is expected to play a key role in the upcoming presidential elections, and could force other states to re-examine their marriage laws as well.

The San Francisco Police Department reported 250 arrests. Dozens of protesters were ambulanced to local hospitals, many suffering serious injuries. No deaths were immediately reported, a police spokeswoman said.

Gay and lesbian rights groups decried the decision, saying the court went too far. Conservative groups, who were seeking to protect the historical definition of marriage, said the decision was a reasonable compromise.

"Had they legalized homosexual marriage, what would have stopped the courts from saying you could have multiple spouses, or marry your dog for that matter?" said Marriage is Between a Man & Woman Coalition spokesman Hector Cramdon. "We will not tolerate the besmirching of the traditional form of marriage."

One injured demonstrator, Jonathan Ursmillano, refused medical treatment after he was pelted with rocks by demonstrators. Divorced four times, the president of No Marriage Now said he thought his ribs were broken and suspected he had a concussion. But Ursmillano continued howling through his megaphone.

"Celebrate. Take heed. The Supreme Court is your savior," he screamed. "Blessed are the justices. Blessed are you."

Chief Justice Ronald M. George, writing for the majority, recognized that the decision overturned the court's precedent-setting ruling 60 years ago when it was the nation's first court to nullify a law banning inter-racial marriage. Thursday's decision, he wrote, "ends the inherent bias in the marriage system, where one group of people can marry, and another cannot."

In a sharply worded dissent, Justice Marvin R. Baxter wrote for the minority in favor of same-sex marriage, suggesting it was a panacea for societal ills.

"The elimination of the ancient, social institution of marriage between a man and a woman would save millions of California's men billions of dollars in alimony," he wrote. "Rates of domestic violence, alcoholism, suicide and other disturbances, known and unknown, likely would decrease dramatically."

Legal scholars, meanwhile, applauded the ruling, saying the high court stuck by the Constitution and leveled the playing field for all. Marriage counselors, however, deplored the decision and said they would seek a rehearing.

Photo: bbaunach

Clinton, Obama Deeply Divided on Gender, Race

Charleston, W. Va. -- (TYDN) The gulf separating Sen. Hillary Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama is emerging with just five Democratic presidential primary contests left, according to an in-depth analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

The key difference between the New York senator and the Illinois senator is that the former is a white woman and the latter, a black man, according to a month-long investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, which examined thousands of campaign proposals, primary debates and speeches. The conclusion, for the first time, shows that the run for the White House has historic implications never seen before in U.S. primary history: that the Democratic Party must weigh race and gender in a contest devoid of substance or issues.

"This is something real to voters," Yale historian Justin Schmendrolo said in an exclusive interview. "We don't know where the candidates stand on the economy, the war on terror, health care and foreign and domestic policy. But the two candidates are deeply divided in terms of race and gender. And that says something."

While Clinton won the West Virginia primary here on Tuesday, it was unlikely she could claim enough delegates and superdelegates to clinch the presidential nomination with just five contests to go in Kentucky, Oregon, Puerto Rico, Montana and South Dakota.

Still, historians suggested that the presidential election in November -- when Clinton or Obama faces Republican John McCain -- will boil down to the candidates' differences on race and gender.

For the first time, voters will be confronted with deciding a presidential contest in favor of either a white man or a white woman, or a white man and a black man depending on the outcome of the Democratic National Convention this August in Denver, Colo., an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews shows.

Historians suggested that the presidential race might neither be decided on party loyalty nor which candidate spent the most money campaigning or by "Who handled themselves better on TV and got more favorable press coverage in general," Columbia University presidential scholar Noam Boamsky said.

"This is an election of historical consequences," Boamsky added. "Race and gender are at the forefront. We haven't seen anything like this since the Civil War."

Even so, analysts had expected Clinton's lopsided victory in the West Virginia primary here Tuesday. The demographic makeup of the state is 95 percent white.

Yet some presidential analysts suggested that race and gender won't be an issue in the presidential race.

"This election is about the issues and the media is focusing on them," pollster Gregory Gillman said. "While the candidates may never say what they think the issues are, the voters know what the issues are and what the candidates think of the issues."

Photo: theopie

Clinton Attacking Obama, GOP on Family Values

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Sen. Hillary Clinton, her presidential aspirations hanging by a thread, is readying to attack the GOP on family values and pounce on her Democratic rival for putting the issue on the back burner, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Clinton operatives, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the New York senator was set to accuse Jenna Welch Bush of sexual intercourse before her Saturday marriage to Henry Chase Hager, a graduate student and son of a former Virginia lieutenant governor. The explosive allegations could undermine the GOP itself, undercut the credibility of her father President Bush, and alter the course of the 2008 presidential campaign.

One operative suggested that Clinton, perhaps as early as Monday, was to declare that the president's daughter, wedded at her father's Texas compound in Crawford, was pregnant when, wearing a white dress, she walked down the aisle before 200 friends and family members.

"She kind of had a tiny bump on her belly," according to one guest, who spoke with TheYellowDailyNews on condition his identity not be published because of the sensitivity of the topic. "But it could have been all the pigs in a blanket. Those things were moving like hot cakes."

Clinton's allegations, to be released from New York as the senator begins a whistle-stop tour in an effort to help bolster her flagging presidential bid with six states to go, were met with stark criticism from rival Barak Obama, the right and GOP presidential nominee John McCain, the Arizona senator.

"Is this the same Senator Clinton whose husband had oral relations with a young intern in the White House?" McCain asked in an exclusive interview. "I have family values. I value them."

McCain spent Mother's Day criticizing Obama and Clinton for never being in the military or "held captive in a tiny cage with bamboo shoots shoved up your fingernails in Vietnam like I was." He discussed Clinton's strategy after it was first disclosed on TheYellowDailyNews' Internet site late Sunday.

Democratic strategists applauded Clinton's tactics. In an election season devoid of substance, they said the allegations put Obama and the White House in a Catch-22.
"We think she may be able to eke out a victory. This is brilliant," according to one strategist, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "If Obama doesn't weigh in on this, he'll be seen as weak on family values. If he does chip in, then he's following Clinton's lead."

Even Republican strategists noted that the 26-year-old Jenna Bush's silence on the matter could imply guilt. "If Jenna Bush or her father speak out on it, that might lead to charges that Clinton has the upper hand, or that Jenna has something to hide," according to one presidential operative, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he has not been authorized to speak publicly on the highly charged issue.

One Clinton campaign operative, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the candidate hatched the strategy herself early Mother's Day when her daughter, Chelsea, and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, informed her they wouldn't vote for her even if she became the Democrats' nominee.

"She was enraged. But it got her thinking of family values instead of her tacit approval of the Bush administration's Iraq war, the war on terror in general, Guantanamo Bay, the Bear Stearns bailout, the Katrina response, soaring federal deficits, the mortgage meltdown, tax breaks for the rich and unbelievably high gas prices," the aide said. "She needed something to differentiate herself from Obama, and it boiled down to family values."

Obama campaign operatives on Sunday said they were mulling a response and would have nothing to say officially until Monday. Still, one Obama insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Hillary Clinton is attempting to get the public to "stop thinking about her husband getting it on with intern Monica Lewinsky in the White House and instead focus on Jenna Bush consummating her marriage."

"There's a lot of people here in Washington who applaud that strategy," the operative added. "That might have some appeal with undecided voters."

Photo: timothyhorrigan

It’s Official: AP Wire Goes Entertainment News Only

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The Associated Press, the world's oldest and largest newsgathering organization, is set to layoff hundreds of writers as it officially moves to entertainment-only coverage, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The move, which also includes reassigning hundreds of political, sports, business, science, legal, farming, international, national, local and technology writers, is to be announced Friday by Tom Curley, AP's president, according to two AP executives who spoke on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to disclose details of the makeover.

"We have unofficially been gearing our coverage toward an entertainment-only approach, and now it's official," one of the executives told TYDN in telephone interview from the 158-year-old news cooperative's headquarters here. "Would you rather see and read about Paris Hilton and her escapades or the cyclone in Burma that just killed tens of thousands of people? Our readers have spoken."

The reorganization comes at a time when the American media is reassessing itself as it loses readers and advertisers to the Internet -- an economic reality that news executives said they never envisioned. As a result, and under intense pressure from shareholders, the media has let go of thousands of reporters.

The shrinking of the media has prompted newsrooms big and small to bolster their entertainment coverage to attract advertisers and readers while also forcing them to rely more heavily on Associated Press news feeds.

"These are dark times for the American public. We're in a constant war on terrorism, the economy is tanking and people are losing their homes while the price of food is skyrocketing," the AP executive said. "Nobody wants to read about that. It's like weather coverage, people can figure out it's raining without us telling them."

The Associated Press is owned by the media at large and is a non-profit cooperative whose board room is filled with executives from across the media's landscape. Its media members pay fees according to their subscription size and other metrics, including broadcast reach and level of service. Its members are free to publish or broadcast AP's feeds, use them as a tip sheet or, as is often the case, plagiarize from them.

Reaction to the change inside the AP was mixed.

One White House correspondent said she would take the AP's buyout offer -- a generous one by industry standards equaling two hours of pay for every year of service -- rather than move to Los Angeles and head the Britney Spears team of 50 photographers, 25 reporters and 250 editors. Other AP newsmen and newswomen said the change would likely help them break out of the doldrums of rewriting press releases under intense deadline pressure.

Telephone lines were disconnected at several small and medium-sized papers from which TheYellowDailyNews was seeking comment.

A spokesman for the Los Angeles Times, which is in Hollywood's backyard, declined comment, saying "We haven't been a newspaper since we were bought and sold two times ago." At USA Today, industry analysts said, coverage was already too thin to notice the AP's change.

The AP's changeover could be a blessing at The New York Times. The newspaper was considering moving to an all-entertainment format if a Democrat wins the presidency this November, sources said.

"If a Republican wins, we probably won't move to that format for probably four or eight years," according to one well-placed executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic.

And at the Wall Street Journal, which was just acquired by News Corp., most of its reporters have already been let go in exchange for typesetters regurgitating stock market indexes.

"Since the journal has stopped reporting on corporate graft and malfeasance, we're seeing the market begin to slightly improve," said Jordan Rastweiller, a Harvard economics professor. "No news is good news."

Yahoo-Microsoft Merger: Yang Inches Out Gates

REDMOND, Wash. -- (TYDN) Ending a high-stakes financial game of one-upmanship, Microsoft Corp. agreed late Tuesday to acquire Yahoo Inc. in a $47.5 billion deal that analysts said would reshape the Internet landscape, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The combined company, analysts said, is expected to bring to market a formidable challenge to Mountain View, California-based search engine Google Inc., and change the way Web users search the Internet while positioning Microsoft to offer its operating system as a Web-based, user-interfaced application.

The $37 per shale deal, to be announced Wednesday, came after a daylong and acrimonious, closed-door meeting here between Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang and Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, sources familiar with the meeting told TYDN. The accord, a $12 premium for shareholders of the Sunnyvale-based search engine, ends a back-and-forth takeover battle in which the Redmond, Washington-based software concern had incrementally increased its offer, which began at $31 per share when TYDN initially broke the story three months ago as negotiations commenced.

Sources outside the door of the Gates-Yang meeting told TYDN that Gates acquiesced to Yang's holdout price after the two met here in Gates' private conference room at Microsoft's headquarters. These sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to disclose the nature of the meeting, said Yang and Gates were overheard arguing over whose house was bigger, who had more and larger automobiles, whose resume was longer and "even who went swimming in a deeper and warmer swimming pool," one of the sources said.

But the 39-year-old Yang emerged victorious, finally getting his asking price from the 52-year-old Gates after the two reportedly compared penis lengths, these sources said. The sources informed TYDN they overheard Gates scolding the younger billionaire Yang that his "penis wasn't even big enough to program porn sites yet alone demand $37 a share."

At least two of the sources told TYDN they overheard what seemed like indecipherable back-and-forth yelling for several minutes, a brief silence "and then what we thought was the sound of their zippers."

"Seconds later, they came out of the room with that deal-was-done-look on their faces," one of the sources said. "In Yang's eyes, you could see that he had won, that he held out longer."

Morgan Stanley analyst Todd Cruthmeier said shareholders, and the Internet at large, would have been better served had Gates and Yang reached a deal sooner rather than "taking it to the distance."

"It shocks the conscience," Cruthmeier said, "that it took three months before they got down to Business 101 and settled this like men."

Photo: peamelia

Bush Urges Waterboarding, Kentucky Derby Inquiry

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba -- (TYDN) President Bush condemned the Kentucky Derby "as cruelty in the highest order" on Sunday, a day after filly Eight Belles was euthanized on the dirt track when her two ankles shattered.

Bush, who was touring the U.S. detention facility here to pressure interrogators to ramp up waterboarding and other methods to extract more intelligence, urged Congress to begin regulating the Sport of Kings by demanding softer tracks and shorter races.

"It's not acceptable that we, the United States, as the most free and law-abiding nation in the world, stand by and let this form of cruelty on the race track go on unabated," Bush told reporters touring with him here. "What kind of example does this set to the rest of the world?"

It was the first time that Bush, speaking to CIA operatives at the prison holding some 600 men without charges -- many for years -- publicly acknowledged that the administration was pushing its operatives to perform waterboarding tactics. "We hope this will be a deterrent to the many innocent and guilty men caged here that we will stop at nothing to cull information in our bid to fight terrorism," Bush said.

Generally, waterboarding is when a person is immobilized on their back. Water is poured over their face and into the mouth and nose, forcing the subject to experience the process of drowning. A gag reflex is prompted as is a sudden feeling that death is near.

Meanwhile, filly Eight Belles came in second at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. She was euthanized when she collapsed after her front ankles fractured and ripped through the skin after the wire. The decision to execute Eight Belles was "the right one," said derby veterinarian Larry Bramlage.

"Some people don't think it was the right thing to do," Bramlage said. "But this horse's racing and mating days were over."

Funeral services were pending notification of next of kin. Glue companies were jockeying for the remains of the 1,000-pound thoroughbred.

Jockey Gabriel Saez said he heard a giant pop before he was thrown from the 3-year-old about a quarter mile after the finish line. "I'm glad I didn't break my ankles," he said.

To racing fans, Eight Belles' storied finish will never be forgotten.

"Hell, she paid $10.60 to place, and Eight Belles is who I bet," said Jason Dorringer, a 31-year-old unemployed mechanic who was spending his winnings at a local pub not far from Churchill Downs.

John Roberts plopped down his last $100 on Eight Belles to win. Roberts, 45, was just laid off from his programming job, and his wife recently threw him out of the house.

"They should have shot that pig before the race," said Roberts, as he combed a Dumpster outside a local pub not far from Churchill Downs.

Photos: takomabibelot and Banamine

‘MileyGate’ Ups Viewership, Fosters Domestic Violence

LOS ANGELES --(TYDN) The Miley Cyrus photo scandal was a clandestine ruse by the Disney Channel to up advertising revenue and increase viewership of the teen star's "Hannah Montana" show, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The 15-year-old bombshell posed provocatively for celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz, prompting the young star and pop singer to proclaim this week she was "embarrassed." The episode renewed the national debate over role models, teen sex and television appropriateness.

Vanity Fair, which was paid $5 million from Disney, portrayed the teen with an unclothed back -- with her wind-blown hair and milk-white hands fondling her young breasts. The sham increased Disney Channel viewership 15 percent, according to Nielsen Media Research.

Nielsen reported that viewership jumped from zero viewers to 1 million in the coveted male category ages 19 to 48, a group advertisers target with beer, pizza, fast-food, movie and videogame commercials.

Disney executives, speaking on condition of anonymity, said targeted ad revenue to that new class of viewers equaled $20 million for the week. The ploy resulted in hijacking a huge chunk of ad revenue and viewers away from TNT, which is broadcasting the National Basketball Association playoffs daily for 40 days.

The ratings giant, Nielsen, reported that 'MileyGate,' as the Disney executives privately called it, garnered more media coverage this week than the Iraq war and the souring global economy combined.

"MileyGate got more press than we could have imagined, and paid off handsomely for us," according to one Disney executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to publicly discuss the campaign.

Louisiana State University researchers initially viewed MileyGate as a blessing for families. Fathers had begun sitting down with their children and watching "Hannah Montana" and other children's shows, a phenomenon that researchers said showed the "family unit was not disintegrating as fast as we once thought it was."

But the researchers, after expanding their survey, concluded that domestic violence spiked this week during prime time when the "Hannah Montana" show was airing. "Our survey of police reports nationwide shows that the authorities are responding to domestic violence calls every evening as if it was Super Bowl Sunday," said Jennifer Sturbergan, an LSU researcher.

The police reports, Sturbergan said, had a strikingly familiar tone.

The victims reported they were beaten by their spouses when they changed the channel from "Hannah Montana" to the NBA playoffs. The more severely beaten women, according to the LSU study, "refused to click back to the 'Hannah Montana' show."