SEC Vindicated in Madoff Ponzi Scandal

by Jonathan Montoblan, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Wednesday it was vindicated from "any and all" scrutiny after it was revealed accused swindler Bernard Madoff had never made a single stock trade the past 13 years, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

When Madoff was arrested in December, defrauded investors took out their anger at the SEC, wondering aloud how the stock market watchdog agency could have let the $50 billion swindle happen even after it received tips from whistle blowers about Madoff's fraud years ago. But on Wednesday, the agency declared victory and said it never took action against Madoff because he never made any stock trades.

"This goes to show that the SEC was doing its job and only investigating real stock fraud, not made up stock fraud," said Christopher Cox, the SEC chairman who stepped down after President Barack Obama assumed the presidency. "Alleged stock fraud does not come under our purview. Had he made actual trades, we would have been all over that. Any and all scrutiny of the SEC under my tenure must be set aside."

Revisionist economics historians said it was the first time in U.S. history the SEC was falsely accused of looking the other way as thousands of investors were defrauded.

All the while, federal lawmakers began arguing that the Obama administration is over-regulating the economy even as the government injects trillions of dollars into the economy to ensure executives enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers and their failures.

In the Madoff affair, meanwhile, the SEC announced its vindication five days after Irving Picard, the court-appointed trustee supervising Madoff's assets, told investors that there was no trace of Madoff ever making any stock trades despite his thousands of customers having received receipts purporting to document his trades on their behalf.

"We have no evidence to indicate securities were purchased for customer accounts," Picard told Madoff investors Friday. "This is a case where weâ..re going to be looking at cash in and cash out."

The SEC announced Wednesday that defrauded investors must first apologize to the SEC before receiving a bailout of as much as $500,000 each.

Madoff, the former NASDAQ chairman, is accused of bilking investors out of $50 billion. Pending a 2012 trial date, Madoff is being confined under house arrest at his Manhattan penthouse because the jails are too filled with drug offenders and shoplifters considered a danger to society.

His attorneys said they intend to seek dismissal of the charges based on the fact that no stock fraud was committed.

"The trustee's report confirms my client's innocence," said Ira Lee Sorkin, a Madoff attorney. "These charges shock the conscience."

Photo: Bearman2007

New 'Google It' Definition: 'Screw You Lazy Bastard'

by Charles Lingualia, TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Merriam-Webster linguists are tweaking the definition of the popular term -- Google It -- in a bid to keep up with a growing population too stupid to think for itself or too lazy to engage coworkers, friends and family members, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The phrase Google It originally entered the 11th edition of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary in 2006 to define using the Google online search engine "to obtain information." Several Merriam-Webster sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the dictionary publisher is expected to expand on that term in its newest addition set for release next month.

According to the text of the phrase's forthcoming second definition, which was obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, linguists have settled upon: "Screw you lazy bastard leave me alone I don't have time for you."

Language critics immediately blasted the timing of the changeover, saying the Google It second definition should have been updated at least a year ago.

"Everybody knows that that is what the term Google It means, and yet it took Merriam-Webster this long to actually put it in the dictionary," said Harvard University linguist John Salisbury. "This shocks the conscience."

Merriam-Webster spokeswoman Joannes de Garlandia said internal company discord was, in part, cause for the delay. "There was a big disagreement on whether the new definition should finish with the word jackass or dickwad," de Garlandia said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "After months of discussion, we decided the definition we came up with was more than adequate "

Photo:  Mykl Roventine

Bonds’ Penis ‘Shrinkage’ Subject of Steroid Trial

by Charles Duffymeister, TYDN Staff Writer
SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Barry Bonds' penis and testicle size is likely to have a deep impact on whether the homerun king is convicted at his upcoming trial on accusations he lied to a 2003 federal grand jury when he testified he never knowingly used steroids, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Federal prosecutors here are expected to call Kimberly Bell, the San Francisco Giants slugger's former girlfriend, who is to testify that Bonds' ballsack and penis shrank "noticeably" when he began using what authorities allege was steroids sometime around the year 2002.

Medical experts are expected to testify in the long-running investigation that shrinkage and reduced staying power are common side effects of steroid use in athletes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"He used to f#%k on me pretty hard and his balls would slap me," Bell said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But when he started injecting steroids, there was noticeably some major shrinkage and flacidness, and his balls stopped slapping me. Obviously, I grew disappointed and we eventually split up."

Legal experts said it was not the first time a penis would be used against its owner.

In her exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Bell said she would testify that the Major League Baseball homerun leader's penis shrank in firmness from the size of a cucumber to "a jarred grocery store pickle." His testicles, she said, "once resembled hard-boiled eggs and shriveled to Hershey Kiss sizes."

People familiar with Bonds' ballsack and penis said Bond's defense team is expected to grill Bell when she takes the stand at next month's trial here.

They suggested that Bonds' penis and balls only seemed bigger when the homerun king had shaved his pubic hair. He stopped shaving shortly after the couple became intimate, sources with firsthand knowledge of Bonds' penis and ballsack told TheYellowDailyNews.

"As you know, a man's penis and balls might seem bigger when they're not encased by a ton of pubic hair," defense attorney John Keker told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "The evidence is uncontroverted that Barry has a ton of pubic hair. Everybody knows that."

Bonds, 44, is charged with 10 counts of lying to a federal grand jury here investigating the BACLO steroid ring. He testified he was never injected with steroids and said he thought he was ingesting flaxseed oil.

The former San Francisco Giants slugger and seven-time most valuable player hit his 762nd home run in 2007, the last year he played professional baseball.

Photo:guano

Limiting Executive Pay Unfair to CEOs, America

by Jonathan Montoblan, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama's plan to cap annual pay at $500,000 for top executives whose companies accept federal bailout funds is not good for America, executives and children, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

The analysis, the most exhaustive in the bailout sphere, concluded that the CEO pay ratio of 360 times the average worker is the only way to keep America's free enterprise humming. If the ratio were tightened, as Obama has proposed, wannabe executives would decline to emulate their superiors and hence not rise to their level of incompetence.

"This would leave American enterprise leaderless," according to TheYellowDailyNews' analysis. "And as it pertains to lower-level workers, they would not be able to respect executives or feel it necessary to empty executives' $50,000 trash cans or clean their $100,000 shower curtains."

Capping executive pay could create what the analysis concluded would amount to a "brain drain of epic proportions in which executives who have run their companies into the ground would defect to higher paying companies so they can run those businesses into the ground as well."

"It shocks the conscience that Barack Obama wants to turn a $1 trillion bailout into a socialist program by actually telling free enterprise how much it should pay its executives," Thomas J. Donahue, president of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Millions of single mothers get $500 per month of welfare benefits, but yet the government isn't demanding a reduction for this handout. This is patently unfair."

Meanwhile, the study found that suicide rates of financially broken executives are likely to skyrocket, leading to broken homes as well.

"Executives whose pay was capped at $500,000 annually would be embarrassed to come home where they cheat on their wives with their nannies," the study said. "Gold-digging wives probably would leave their husbands for higher paying executives, forcing executive family children to get by on a paltry $20,000 a month in child support."

The study also concluded that lowering executive pay was a safety issue. The executives' limousine drivers and jet pilots, according to the study, "might purposely crash their vehicles out of disdain that their bosses earn only $500,000 per year."

The study also said a reduction in executive pay would hurt those in poverty by reducing the amount of taxes executives avoid paying.

According to U.S. Census figures, about 8 million U.S. families live in poverty, which the bureau defines as about $21,000 in annual income for a family of four.

Photo: AMagill

Bongmaker Ending Phelps Sponsorhip

by Charlenne Mota, TYDN Olympics Affairs Writer
EUREKA, Calif. -- (TYDN) Bongmaker Tokem Enterprises Ltd. is set to discontinue its lucrative sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps following a British tabloid's publication of a photo of the gold medalist puffing from a rival company's marijuana pipe, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tokem Enterprises, of Eureka, Calif., is expected to sever its ties with Phelps as early as Wednesday, two Tokem Enterprises officials told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The sources said Phelps breached a non-compete clause in the $25 million contract.

On Sunday, British tabloid News of the World published a photo showing Phelps -- who won eight Olympic gold medals in Beijing last summer -- inhaling deeply from a marijuana pipe produced by UK-based Roor Bongs. "Bong toking is no laughing matter," a well-placed Tokem Enterprises official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The online bongosphere is questioning the integrity of our products because of this unfortunate breach of contract."

Phelps apologized for letting down a sponsor.

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my sponsors, fans and the public it will not happen again."

United States Olympic Committee spokesman Darryl Seibel said the committee was outraged by Phelps' conduct, and was concerned that Tokem Enterprises may drop its sponsorship of the U.S. Olympic snowboarding team. "Phelps' behavior shocks the conscience," Seibel said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "The committee has been in touch with Tokem Enterprises and we let them know that we're disappointed with Phelps and, going forward, we expect different and better conduct."

A high-ranking Roor Bongs official, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, said the bongmaker was in official discussions with Phelps' agent, Peter Carlisle, to offer Phelps perhaps $50 million over 10 years to be the brand's pitchman.

Sources said the Roor Bongs deal likely would include a joint ad campaign with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

Photo: Caveman 92223 -- On the Road Again!

Internet Before Computers, Schools and Hospitals

by Mosufufu James, TYDN African Affairs Writer
ENTASOPIA, Kenya -- (TYDN) The road here from bustling Nairobi winds 100 miles, giving way from asphalt to sand to a maze of cracked desert flats, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In this meager outpost of agricultural subsistence, there is no electricity, running water, hospitals, banks, schools, cars, newspapers or computers. But Google Inc., in a bid to bring this kerosene-lighted town to the modern age, is installing free, satellite-based Internet access to be delivered at the local internet cafe that does not exist in this town of 4,000.

It's part of Mountain View, Calif.-based Google's plans to retain its online dominance while spreading the Internet to the world's fringes. The United Nations applauded the move, saying the promise of Internet access and steaming pornography -- might be the flame that ignites Entasopia and other small outposts across the globe to begin feeding and educating their young.

"This carrot-and-stick approach, of the promise of Internet porn, is a brilliant idea to get countries to progress," U.N. General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "If we gave them food. They would just eat it. If we gave them seed, they'd just plant it and eat the fruits of their labor."

Jared Chenyani is a typical Entasopia resident, and is excited about the Internet's arrival. He speculated that he would sell his wife and family into slavery and prostitution so he could buy a computer.

He just finished scavenging firewood the 31-year-old plans to heat his tiny mud hut where he and his wife and five children reside. Often, the family boils and eats the weeds surrounding their domicile while wife, Dorothy, breastfeeds all the children ranging in ages from 10 to six months.

"Perhaps I can use Google Earth to help me locate more firewood and more weeds to boil," Chenyani said in exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

He said he was not sure where he would plug in the computer.

Photo: Honza Soukup

Stocks Soar Amid ‘Very Heinous’ Outlook

by Elisa Torro, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Stocks soared Friday as investors reacted to "very heinous" quarterly earnings reports by dozens of companies in every leading sector, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Investors bid up Yahoo, Bank of America, Wal-Mart, Genentech and other major financial indicators in a scene reminiscent of a U.N. food camp in war-ravaged Somalia. Analysts had expected "extremely heinous" earnings, not the "very heinous" results that came in Friday showing losses were only in the high double digits for the quarter -- not the low triple digits as projected year over year.

In response, the Dow Jones Industrials, the S & P 500 Index and the Nasdaq Composite Index skyrocketed roughly 5 percent in afterhours trading as companies announced they would have posted huge earnings if their companies had competent management, or actually sold or produced something in the fourth quarter. Wall Street reacted positively as the companies also announced they would have generated huge returns had they not paid their executives tens of millions of dollars each, and had they not had to pay for supplies, employees, taxes, rent or other financial obligations.

Analysts surveyed by Thompson Reuters had anticipated fourth quarter results would amount to the worst since the Great Depression. But the results posted Friday showed that the economy was a fraction away from being the worst since the Great Depression, sparking a "buy" climate on all the major exchanges.

"We were predicting about 650,000 Americans would lose their jobs during the fourth quarter, not just a mere 600,000 as the recent data indicate," Lehman Bros. analyst Rebuya Nowa said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is better than expected. We upgraded the entire market from "dump" to "buy."

In response to the earnings data, the Obama administration and Congress agreed to provide the companies $819 billion in "stimulus" money, with a safeguard that only 50 percent of it be earmarked for the nation's top executives. The other 50 percent was conditioned to be used solely for lobbying purposes -- "so the bailout money finds its way back to Washington where it belongs," Obama said.

Photo: thenails

Devil Hacks Pope’s YouTube Channel

by Viktor Romanov, TYDN Religion Affairs Writer
VATICAN CITY -- (TYDN) Millions of Catholics worldwide panicked Monday when Pope Benedict XVI's new channel on YouTube was hacked by alleged devil worshippers or perhaps by Satan himself, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The hackers, believed to be from the actual underworld or the hacking underworld, allegedly altered the Vatican's videos and displayed what appeared to be the pontiff transforming into Satan, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, the most exhaustive investigation into what insiders privately have dubbed "Operation Pope-Satan-YouTubeGate."

It was the first time in recent memory that the Holly See's YouTube channel was hacked. The Vatican's first YouTube broadcast appeared Friday.

In response to watching the papacy mutate into what experts suggested was the devil, an untold number of the pontiff's flock began jumping from buildings, pulling out their eyes and, in some instances, binge drinking blood, according to reports. The Church immediately excommunicated those members of the flock as punishment for their sins.

"Right before God's eyes and all, the pope started to grow horns," one Vatican official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "It was the worst sudden loss of faith in the Church since the sexual molestation scandal that everybody but the abused altar boys has forgotten about."

YouTube, a unit of Google, immediately pulled the Vatican's channel in a bid to quell the hysteria.

The Pope has been sequestered here amid rumors of an ongoing exorcism, sources close to the alleged exorcism said.

Still, other rumors suggest the papacy was having heavenly discussions with Apple CEO Steve Jobs on hopes of building a Vatican "app" for the iPhone. But the negotiations appeared deadlocked as each claimed he was closer to God, sources close to the alleged meeting told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

On Monday, in one of the pope's first foray's on YouTube, the pontiff's alleged mutation into Satan began as Benedict was welcoming viewers to this "great family that knows no borders" and said he hoped they would "feel involved in this great dialogue of truth."

The pope was trying to broaden his audience by joining the wannabe musicians, college pranksters and water-skiing squirrels on YouTube, the popular video-sharing website. A YouTube source said it was reviewing its security apparatus.

While the YouTube initiative was novel, it was in keeping with the 2,000-year-old Church's history of using whatever means available to communicate: parchment, printing press, radio, television and now the Internet.

Insiders suggested that, until Monday's hack, the pope's homilies were anticipated to reach millions of viewers -- the converted and the non-converted alike -- while giving the Holy See better control over the pope's Internet image. That hope, however, apparently backfired.

Law enforcement agencies from across the globe were engaged in an intense manhunt for the hackers, who finished their hack by broadcasting this garbled message: "We have to go. Our parents say it's time to eat dinner."

Photo:  roblisameehan

First Lady: Obama Honeymoon ‘Didn’t Last Long’

by Gomer Pilon, TYDN Politcal Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama's presidential honeymoon was short and did not last but "a few minutes," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

First Lady Michelle Obama, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday, said the United States' new president "didn't last long" during Tuesday night's presidential honeymoon, which she suggested the pundits had "greatly exaggerated in size and scope."

"Everybody was suggesting that it would last at least 16 months, the time he promised to pull troops out of Iraq," the first lady told TheYellowDailyNews. "Let me tell you. It fell apart within a few minutes. He pulled out quickly."

The first lady's revelation marks the first time in U.S. presidential history an electoral honeymoon fizzled moments after its inauguration, historians said. Presidential honeymoons usually last 100 days or more -- depending on circumstances -- a proposition the nation's first lady suggested was an exaggeration of "mythical proportions."

"Not even Viagra," the first lady said, "could awaken from the dead a honeymoon that the pundits were saying would last until the economy springs back to life, the troops were home from Iraq and there was health coverage for all."

Still, presidential advisors said the president has managed to remain unscathed by any missteps he has made. His ability to ask for patience depends in no small part on the first lady and public's confidence in his competence and motives.

"What's remarkable about the polls is that people are at once optimistic and realistic," David Axelrod, a President Obama senior advisor, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "They have high hopes for his presidency. They understand how deep the morass is. And that's a good position to be in."

But despite the president's crispness and certitude to remain vibrant in the aftermath of his assumption of office, aides said the first lady is growing impatient, sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The president's ability to slow-walk some campaign promises, these aides told TheYellowDailyNews, would also be affected by how well he maintains his standing and continues to project an air of command.

"So far," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said, "President Obama has managed to remain unscathed by any missteps he has made, but his ability to ask for the first lady's patience depends in no small part on the public's confidence in his competence and motives, including his push to close Guantanamo Bay."

Photo: nmfbihop

Obama Oath Cancelled: Bush Retains Presidency

by Jack Derrieringer, TYDN Political Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President-elect Barack Obama's inauguration here was cancelled one day before he was to assume office after President Bush said he was staying on a third term "for the good of the nation, and the world at large," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"During my third and perhaps fourth term, I will do whatever I need to bring Osama bin Laden to justice," Bush told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview here in the Oval Office on Monday. "America is fortunate that America still exists after eight years of my presidency. And peace will continue in the Middle East for as long as I am in office."

Bush's highly anticipated move would mark the first time a sitting U.S. president used his popularity to keep himself in power after being termed out with eight years of power under his belt. Sources close to Obama said the former Illinois senator, who won election in November, was unlikely to challenge Bush's decision and instead was seeking to become the president's press secretary.

Presidential historians and legal scholars said Bush was so popular that an Obama court challenge, which was unlikely to succeed, could undermine his public credibility and hurt his chances in the 2012 election -- that is, if Bush decides to step down at that time.

"You've got to remember that President Bush has the public and a lot of firsts behind him. He was the first chief executive to invade Iraq on a pretense, he was the first president since the Great Depression to add millions to the unemployment lines and he was the first president to lead the world into a global recession," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Laurence Tribe, the Harvard constitutional scholar, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the U.S. Supreme Court, mirroring its Gore v. Bush decision of eight years ago, would again side with Bush in a legal challenge to the presidency. He also said Congress, which approved Bush's once-secret, warrantless electronic eavesdropping program on Americans, would likely impeach Obama immediately after he took office on Tuesday so Bush could retain the White House.

"The only constitutional crisis here is an America without Bush," Tribe said. "People just forget how popular he is."

Photo: DPMS

Iran Trained Birds that Crashed Jet Into Hudson River

by Artis Puntintuccas, TYDN Senior Intelligence Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Intelligence agencies for the Bush administration have concluded that Iran had trained the birds that flew into the engines of a U.S. jetliner Thursday, prompting it to plunge into the frigid Hudson River shortly after takeoff, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least three administration officials, speaking early Friday to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said Iranian-backed terror groups had been releasing the highly trained Kamikaze birds into U.S. air space for years. Because of the highly sensitive nature of the classified intelligence, the officials declined to name the type of birds used in the attacks, which were said to have crashed or thwarted dozens of U.S. passenger flights since 1990 in what sources have dubbed the "Rein of Bird Terror."

And as a result of Thursday's crash of the Airbus A320, in which all 155 passengers survived, President Bush is expected to demand the United Nations sanction a U.S.-led invasion of Iran, which is believed to be hiding these so-called "winged weapons of mass destruction."

"Birds just don't fly into jet engines by shear happenstance," one administration official said on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews. "We have concluded that Iran has been releasing these weapons of mass destruction into U.S. air space for years. We also have evidence of an underground program that Iran is secretly training deer to disrupt U.S. street traffic. That's unacceptable."

The administration was preparing an attack on Iran even without backing of "the derelict international community," the source said. The U.N. Security Council is expected to debate the planned invasion late Friday.

Revisionist historians immediately applauded the imminent invasion of Iran, and suggested Bush's Middle East legacy will linger long after he steps down from office Tuesday.

"That the administration discovered this last-minute piece of critical intelligence underscores how underestimated the president's ability to lead is," said Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffrey.

President Bush, with just days left in his administration, has quietly shuttered U.S. aviaries and has confined aviary workers at zoos and other animal parks, where they are expected to undergo intense interrogation tactics to determine whether they were complicit with the feathered attacks.

The latest Iranian-backed bird attack in U.S. airspace played itself out Thursday afternoon in New York when a US Airways Airbus 320 made a safe crash landing in water shortly after taking off from LaGuardia International Airport.

Flight 1549's pilot reported a "double bird strike" to air traffic controllers moments after taking off, and said he had lost thrust in both engines.

Kevin Poormon, a research engineer at the University of Dayton Research Institute in Dayton, Ohio, tests the ability of airplanes and engines to withstand bird strikes by firing 4 pound to 8 pound birds at strategic points along aircraft from compressed gas guns at hundreds of miles per hour. He said he uses "freshly killed" birds or a gelatin substitute "that has similar impact properties."

If necessary, researchers can launch the birds at up to 900 mph, Poormon said. FAA requires airliners to withstand strikes from birds weighing as much as 8 pounds at particularly vulnerable points along the aircraft, he said.

"It's a pretty significant problem," Poormon said. "There have been over 200 fatalities in the last 20 years due to bird strikes worldwide and there are 5,000 impacts that are reported every year. I just never realized Iran put these birds up to it."

Photo: USACEpublicaffairs

EPA Might Limit Rocket Fuel in Drinking Water

by Virginia Limpiarolo, TYDN Environmental Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Environmental Protection Agency is taking a second look at its decision not to limit the amount of a toxic rocket fuel ingredient allowed in U.S. drinking water, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Late last year, the agency proposed not setting a drinking water standard for perchlorate, which has been found in at least 395 sites in 35 states at levels high enough to interfere with thyroid function and pose developmental problems in humans, especially children, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At the time, the EPA said setting a standard would do little to reduce risks to public health.

But the agency decided to take a second look after widespread reports of children in the affected areas began sprinting at Olympic speeds. And grabbing scientists' attention was the less talked about and phenomena of people of all ages spontaneously combusting upon the unexplained ignition of their flatulence.

The EPA announced late Sunday it would postpone making a final decision until the National Academy of Sciences studies the matter. But sources familiar with the situation told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity that the nation's oil companies have complained that the tainted drinking water is eroding fuel sales.

"People are urinating in their gas tanks and are getting better gas mileage than with fossil fuels," one government official said on condition of anonymity, and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews. "The oil companies want rocket fuel removed from groundwater now. They care about peoples' health."

As of press time, TheYellowDailyNews could not independently verify the statement.

Environmentalists were at odds with the oil companies and urged the government to delay any decision about regulating the amount of rocket fuel in drinking water. They hoped a delay would lead to the United States becoming less reliant on fossil fuels.

"We applaud the government's inaction on removing this dangerous carcinogen from our nation's drinking water," said Lenny Siegel, director of the Center for Public Environmental Oversight in Mountain View, Calif. "Now we see that humans can easily convert this contaminate to fuel their cars."

The EPA's own advisers had urged the agency to keep perchlorate on the list of water contaminants that may require future regulation and hundreds of billions of dollars to remove. An inspector general's report last year also faulted the agency for how it evaluated the risk the chemical poses to human health when it proposed in October not to set a limit for drinking water.

The U.S. Defense Department used perchlorate for decades in testing missiles and rockets, and most perchlorate contamination stems from defense and aerospace activities.

The Pentagon could face financial liability if EPA sets a national drinking water standard that forces water agencies around the country to undertake costly cleanup efforts. Defense officials have spent years questioning EPA's conclusions about the risks posed by perchlorate, but they have denied trying to influence EPA's decision.

Fearing Unrest, Obama Delays Digital TV Transition

by Thialia Vizor, TYDN Entertainment Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) Fearing pandemonium if Americans lose television signals, President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress on Thursday to postpone the Feb. 17 switch from analog to digital television broadcasting, arguing that too many Americans who rely on analog TV sets to pick up over-the-air channels won't be able to watch television.

Obama said the digital transition needs to be delayed largely because the Commerce Department has run out of money for coupons to subsidize digital TV converter boxes for consumers. The millions of households that do not have cable or satellite service, or a new TV with a digital tuner, will need the converter boxes to keep their older analog sets working.

Fearing a "domestic crisis" if millions are left without the ability to watch television, Obama said such a scenario "threatens the American Way more profoundly than World War I, World War II, the Sept. 11 terror attacks, the Great Depression and the current economic meltdown combined."

"The government is not doing enough to prevent this Armageddon of sorts -- that is: Americans without television signals," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I have urged my policy advisors to stop working on solving the economic crisis and to abandon the Middle East peace process so that we can ensure that no American goes without television, particularly those in rural, poor or minority communities "

Meanwhile, federal law enforcement sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the government was considering imposing martial law to keep the peace ahead of the Feb. 17 deadline. "Our operatives in the field are sensing unrest akin to the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago but on a nationwide level," the source said. "We don't have the resources to wantonly club everybody in every major American city at one time."

In 2005, Congress required that broadcasters -- by Feb. 17 --switch from analog to digital broadcasts, which are more efficient, to free up valuable chunks of wireless spectrum. The newly available room in the airwaves can be used for commercial wireless services and for emergency-response networks.

Analysts applauded Obama's leadership. They said it was the first time in U.S. history that a president, or president-elect, responded so quickly to a pending national crisis.

"About 670,000 Americans were just added to the unemployment role, and Obama is seeing fit that these downtrodden people will at least have the ability to watch television. That is, if their homes were not foreclosed upon," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian. "Obama has great vision to see this enormous crisis coming down the pipeline."

Republican leaders immediately decried Obama's plea to subsidize more converter boxes and possibly delay the digital transition. They said it was unfair that banking and auto executives who just received billions in federal bailout money should have to pay for the poor's television signals. "This again shows that Obama is a socialist," said Republican Sen. John McCain of Arizona.

The Obama team decided to push for a delay after the Commerce Department said it had hit a $1.34 billion funding limit set by Congress to pay for converter box coupons.

The coupon program allows consumers to request up to two $40 vouchers per household to help pay for the boxes, which generally cost between $40 and $80 each and can be purchased without a coupon.

The Commerce Department said it had no choice but to start a waiting list for coupon requests. As of press time, the waiting list had requests for 1.1 million coupons.

Photo: Mykl Roventine

Pope Seeks Bailout During Emergency Homily

by Viktor Romanov, TYDN Religion Affairs Writer
VATICAN CITY -- (TYDN) Pope Benedict XVI urged a world confronting financial crisis, conflict, and increasing poverty not to lose hope, and prayed during an emergency homily here Wednesday the U.S. Treasury would bail out the cash-stricken Vatican, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The pontiff's message of salvation, a pleading for "authentic solidarity to prevent global ruin," marked the first time the Church has sought a U.S. government stimulus package.

The pontiff's plea for a bailout came as financial ratings service likes Standard & Poor's have downgraded the Church's stock, from a rating of "buy" to "sell." Church shares plunged in after-hours trading before rebounding.

Following tradition, the pope recited his bailout message in 64 languages, including Latin, the Church's official tongue. The pontiff said it would be sacrilegious if the U.S. -- having bailed out insurers, mortgagers, bankers and automakers left the Church behind.

"May the light of a bailout shine forth and encourage all people to do their part in a spirit of authentic solidarity," he said. "If people look only to their own interests, our world will certainly fall apart."

Speaking from the central balcony of St. Peter's Basilica to tens of thousands of hastily assembled pilgrims, tourists and Romans in the square below, the pope decreed that it was the U.S. taxpayers' duty not to leave the church behind. As the global economy continues to spiral downward, Benedict said it was urgent the church receives a huge cash infusion as "an increasingly uncertain future is regarded with apprehension, even in affluent nations like the United States."

Wearing a crimson mantle against a damp chill, Benedict expressed hope that dialogue and negotiation would prevail to find "just and lasting solutions" to the Church's financial predicament and to conflicts in the Holy Land and elsewhere in the Middle East.

He decried suffering in Africa, terrorism, and called for an end to "internecine conflict" dividing ethnic and social groups.

The pope singled out the plight of those in war-torn eastern Congo, in Sudan's Darfur region, in Somalia where he said "interminable" suffering is the tragic consequence of "the lack of stability and peace" -- and in Zimbabwe where people have been "trapped for all too long in a political and social crisis which, sadly, keeps worsening."

Benedict condemned the "twisted logic of conflict and violence" in the Middle East. He lamented "the horizon seems once again bleak for Israelis and Palestinians."

"May the divine light of Bethlehem radiate throughout the Holy Land," he said. "May it spread throughout Lebanon, Iraq, the whole Middle East and to the church's coffers."

Photo: rohan_chennai

McCain Gets Online, Realizes Election Lost

by Felix Frankfurtor, TYDN Internet Affairs Writer
PHOENIX -- (TYDN) Sen. John McCain was readying to concede the presidential election after finally accessing the Internet and learning rival Sen. Barack Obama had narrowly defeated him two months before, TheYellowDailyNews learned late Sunday.

McCain said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that he had been sitting by his computer since the Nov. 4 election anxiously awaiting election returns, but he had trouble connecting to the Internet and powering his computer. McCain was criticized during the hard-fought campaign about his lack of Internet prowess, that he never had used a computer -- a reality he promised to change during the election.

"The screen was just dark for so long that I began to get suspicious whether the Internets were broken," McCain said in an exclusive interview here in one of his several residences. "My wife Cindy began to get even more suspicious, thinking I had locked myself away to stare at porn all day. But nobody told me how to turn this damn thing on."

Microsoft Corp. immediately began airing commercials blasting the iMac, the Apple Inc. desktop McCain was unable to function. Apple CEO Steve Jobs declined comment, but was said to have immediately fired the iMac engineer who designed the power switch to be hidden in the back out of sight.

Shares of both Apple and Microsoft tumbled in after-hours trading.

Historians said it was the first time since the demise of the Pony Express that a presidential candidate had waited two months to concede an election. Many analysts assumed McCain went into seclusion and was embarrassed after his stunning defeat with running mate Sarah Palin.

"There was no truth to that. A lot of editorial writers out there who owe me an apology," McCain said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

McCain aides said the Arizona senator was flabbergasted after he finally figured out he had lost.

"When it dawned on him to turn on the computer and that he needed to physically connect to the Internet, he was amazed and dumbfounded over Internet news reports that Obama was selling inauguration festivity tickets for just $50,000, instead of the normal $250,000," said one McCain aide, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "He just couldn't believe that Obama would belittle the presidency like that and open up the presidency to the common man."

McCain said he would distribute e-mails to the media on where and when he would deliver his concession speech. As of press time, news outlets had not received notification.

Photo: Mike Licht NotionsCapital.com

Rights Groups Decry Madoff Confinement as ‘Barbaric’

by Dorcus Regulsorex, TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The American Civil Liberties Union, Amnesty International and other rights groups decried as "barbaric" a magistrate judge's order confining disgraced financier Bernard Madoff to his $7 million luxury Manhattan apartment as he awaits trial on financial fraud charges.

Madoff, 70, a former Nasdaq stock market chairman, has become one of the most vilified people in America since his arrest weeks ago on allegations he allegedly plundered $50 billion from investors.

A federal magistrate judge had allowed Madoff to leave his 10,000-square-foot apartment during the day as a condition of his $10 million bail. But U.S. Magistrate Judge Theodore H. Katz, who legal experts said was a tough but fair jurist, eliminated the curfew and instead confined Madoff to his apartment as prosecutors ready their fraud case against him.

Legal experts said the increased bail measure was Draconian and underscored that, for the first time, the government was getting serious about punishing white-collar criminals.

Rights groups, however, said the government was going too far.

"This Guantanamo Bay-style incarceration of Mr. Madoff is barbaric and shocks the conscience," ACLU executive director Anthony Romero said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "What's next? Are they going to cattle prod him?"

Madoff's lawyer, Ira Lee Sorkin, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that he would appeal the confinement order all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court.

"That my client is not free to travel to his dozens of homes across the globe is an injustice of the highest order," Sorkin said. "Christ, Mr. Madoff ran out of caviar on New Year's Eve and couldn't even leave to get more. This is outrageous."

Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch concurred. In a joint statement, the groups asked: "When will these Gestapo tactics end?"

Rights groups expressed alarm that Madoff's bail conditions have been gradually increased as angry investors who lost billions seek information about what happened to money they thought was safely invested with someone who was widely respected on Wall Street. Just weeks ago, Madoff was released on $10 million bail only on the signature of he and his wife.

Authorities say Madoff confessed to family members that he had for years been paying returns to certain investors out of the principal received from others until he had only $200 million to $300 million remaining.

The charge against Madoff carries a potential penalty of up to 20 years in prison, but judges are not bound by federal sentencing guidelines. Other charges could be added as the case is presented to a grand jury.

Photo: Shiny Things

Out of Gas, GM Converts into Church

by Dalorean Pantswochitz, TYDN Auto Affairs Writer
DETROIT -- (TYDN) Running out of gas, General Motors Corp. is converting to the church to take advantage of the tax-exempt status enjoyed by U.S.-based religious institutions, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The revelation, to be announced perhaps as early as Thursday, came a day after the financing arm of General Motors converted into a bank holding company as part of a $5 billion deal that will let the lender borrow money at low rates from the Federal Reserve. Analysts said the two-pronged reorganization is certain to spark a nationwide economic recovery by supplying cheap public financing for GM's luxury Hummer brand.

Shares of the world's largest automaker surged 6 percent in after hours trading as Pope Benedict XVI announced GM would become the Vatican's official supplier of Pope Mobiles. Industry analysts said the deal underscores the Detroit automaker's commitment to expand its global reach.

GM's changeover came as the world's largest automaker was to run out of cash within weeks and perhaps be forced to declare bankruptcy. It also comes as the Treasury was preparing to provide GM and Chrysler each with an additional $4 billion lifeline in the first part of a bailout plan for the car companies facing insolvency.

Amid the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, analysts said GM's embrace of the church would create a surge in demand for steel, coal, oil, refined gas, plastics and other goods and services associated with a renewed demand for humuongous passenger vehicles like the Hummer that get less than 10 miles per gallon. The plan, which requires its labor force to reduce its wages by 50 percent and give up retirement and health benefits, is part of GM's new, zero-percent customer financing for its larger models -- all in a bid to jumpstart sales and, in the process, the economy.

The nation's other two automakers might not be that far behind.

Cerberus Capital Management, the private equity firm that owns Chrysler, was said to be mulling whether to convert into a tax-exempt religious organization, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. Ford, the nation's No. 3 automaker, said it has enough cash on hand to withstand an immediate conversion.

But U.S. intelligence officials said privately they were monitoring the conversion situation closely and expressed alarm that Chrysler and Ford may embrace Islam as their salvation. "If those two go, GM is likely to follow," an intelligence official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Economics scholars applauded the U.S. government's auto-industry monetary policy as being necessary to keep Western-style capitalism in check. The scholars also lauded both the government's openness in the bailout and its lack of complexity.

Under the deal, the Treasury will buy $5 billion worth of preferred equity shares in GMAC, which used to be the financing subsidiary of GM and is now owned jointly by GM and Cerberus Capital Management. In addition, the Treasury said it would lend GM $1 billion so that it could purchase additional equity offered by its lending arm, GMAC.

Both GM and Chrysler need immediate cash to keep their operations running while they overhaul their businesses. The automakers have been spending billions from their cash reserves in order to stay afloat in what is the worst vehicle market in the United States in 25 years.

GM is scheduled to get $4 billion initially, and a second loan of $5.4 billion in mid- to late January. The company could also get an additional $4 billion in February or March if Congress approved a larger loan package as part of the Treasuryâ..s overall plan for financial institutions.

For GMAC to meet the Federal Reserveâ..s requirements to become a banking holding company, it needs to convert 75 percent of its $38 billion in debt into stock.

Photo: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

U.S. Regulating Santa Suits to Combat Terrorism

Kristofer Wrinkeladge, TYDN Reporter at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration is to begin regulating Santa Claus suits in the aftermath of a Christmas Eve massacre in what security experts acknowledge was the worst act of Santa Clausian terror on U.S. soil in recent memory, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

U.S. security sources said the new regulations are in response to Wednesday's latest incident when Santa Claus shot up and burned a house in a normally tranquil Los Angeles suburb, killing nine and injuring scores of others, officials told TheYellowDailyNews on Sunday.

Department of Homeland Security chief, Michael Chertoff, is expected to make the announcement as early as Monday in what counter-terrorism officials said was the United States' boldest foray into combating domestic terrorism since the Sept. 11, 2001 World Trade Center attacks.

"This is expected to save perhaps tens of thousands of lives, perhaps even more lives than the ban on bringing shampoo and toothpaste onto domestic flights," one well-placed counter-terror official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The Santa Claus suit seems to be the disguise of choice for a new breed of domestic terrorists."

Critics immediately decried the regulations, which only target newly purchased Santa Claus outfits and grant amnesty to the tens of thousands of Santa Claus suits already in the country. Others questioned whether the government had enough resources to search U.S. borders and ports of call, where millions of other Santa suits are said to be in hiding.

"What this double-standard means is that, when you see Santa Claus, you don't know whether that's a domestic terrorist or just a jolly good guy underneath," said Jalen Jackstian, executive director for the Center for Santa Clausian Studies. "This is a time bomb ticking."

U.S. security officials have suspected for decades that terrorists might hide behind Santa Claus outfits, especially during the Christmas season, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. After decades of study, U.S. intelligence sources became increasingly suspicious when the suspected Santa Claus terrorists would show themselves solely during Christmas, when America has its guard down.

"After Christmas, they just vanished like cockroaches when the lights are turned on," the intelligence source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Many Americans suspected the Bush administration was complicit in the latest Santa Claus terror attack.

"I've seen these Santa Claus terrorists casing shopping malls and airports every year around Christmas and I always thought that was kind of weird," said one mall shopper, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

Sheila Shehman, editor of Psychology Today, said the magazine was rushing into publication what she described as a "how-to article on discussing with your children the modern-day fact that Santa might be a terrorist -- a jolly fellow plotting destruction."

Photo: bovinmagnet

U.S. Rejects Food Bank Bailout

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration rejected on Wednesday a proposed $10 billion U.S. food bank bailout amid the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush, in a Christmas Eve address here in the Rose Garden, said the nation's food banks' loose policies of giving away food free was at the heart of the banking scandal that lead to the economy's collapse.

"What kind of business model is that, where these banks give away products and services and know they are not going to be repaid or can't be repaid?" Bush asked. "It just does not make any sense. That their cupboards are bare is their own fault."

Possible indictments were underway against faith-based groups which have been performing the legally questionable practice of doling out free food for decades, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"By refusing this $10 billion food banking bailout, we are protecting the 40 million impoverished men, women and children in this country from the predatory practices of the food bank industry," Bush said.

Administration officials said privately that a bailout would amount to the lavish enrichment of food banking executives with taxpayer dollars.

"We've heard reports where food bank leaders have actually sat down and eaten Thanksgiving meals with the downtrodden they're feeding," said one Securities and Exchange Commission official, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The U.S. taxpayer should not be saddled with providing this free gravy train to these greedy food banking executives."

Another SEC official said privately that a wide-ranging food bank investigation has uncovered evidence that some food banks were allowing their patrons to sleep on the premises for free. "Everywhere we look, we are finding food bank abuses," the official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The SEC is expected to report its findings by 2012.

Sources told TheYellowDailyNews that the investigation is expected to lob blame on liberals in government as well.

"They pushed for these banks to give away food to minorities and the under-privileged, and they knew it would never be paid back," the SEC official told TheYellowDailyNews. "This was a powder keg for the economy waiting to blow up, and it did."

Photo: a tree is nice

Possible Third Shoe in Journalist Attack on Bush

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) U.S. intelligence agencies are probing whether a possible third shoe was involved in the shoe throwing incident last week when an angry journalist hurtled his shoes toward President Bush, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he easily outmaneuvered the incoming shoes that many experts said were traveling as fast as 35 mph. "I've been ducking questions at news conferences for years," Bush said.

At least nine U.S. intelligence sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the government was investigating whether a third, so-called "magic shoe" whizzed by Bush's head during that highly publicized news conference in Iraq last week. In addition, several sources told TheYellowDailyNews that at least 15 dozen U.S. intelligence agents were examining whether the possibility of a third shoe played a role in President Kennedy's assassination four decades ago.

Intelligence analysts said it was the first time U.S. intelligence officials were actively pursuing a connection between the shoe-throwing debacle and Kennedy's so-called "magic bullet" assassination.

Intelligence officials believed the two incidents might be linked because, in both instances, there is no evidence that a "magic shoe" or "magic bullet" existed. Several sources suggested the probe was as extensive as the search for Osama bin Laden.

Last week, a Middle Eastern journalist removed his shoes and flung them at President Bush during a news conference in Iraq as Bush was praising the 50,000-plus Iraqi's killed in the Iraq war Bush started more than five years ago. Bush lauded the dead as helping save Americans from succumbing to terrorism on U.S. soil.

The Secret Service agent at Bush's side during the "Shoegate" incident was immediately reprimanded and later fired for allowing the president to face not one, but two and possibly three shoe flingings within seconds, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush was not injured. Muntadhar al-Zeidi, a correspondent for an Iraqi-owned television station based in Cairo, Egypt, was arrested, stripped search and his feet were cut off, officials said, "so that he may never wear weapons of mass destruction again."

The American Civil Liberties Union, meanwhile, rushed to the fired Secret Service agent's defense.

"This agent was trained to take a bullet for the president, not a shoe," ACLU executive director Anthony Romero said. "In addition, he might have seen what looked like a third shoe flying toward Bush. Nobody has the innate defenses to thwart three shoes cartwheeling through the air."

As a result, Bush's security apparatus is also reviewing its news conference security protocol, and has opened an inquiry into the maker of the shoes in question to determine whether the shoemaker should be charged with producing weapons of terror.

Photo: Muhammad Adnan Asim ( linkadnan ) # 2

Analysis: ‘Lip Service Economy’ Paying Dividends

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) U.S. and global market fluctuations during the recent weeks have been pegged to government affirmations or denials of a U.S. auto and other sector bailouts, according to an in-depth analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Economists suggested the analysis by TheYellowDailyNews was the most exhaustive ever in the global bailout space.

TheYellowDailyNews' revelation of market fluctuations tied to government utterances has lead many governments, including the United States, to consider continuing paying lip service to varying bailout plans -- thus lifting stock prices without having to dip deeper into the taxpayer till, sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The analysis by TheYellowDailyNews has uncovered what leading economists have dubbed the "Lip Service Economy."

Scholars suggested it was the first time a workable economic theory had ever been discovered. It was stumbled upon by TheYellowDailyNews at a time when the global economy remains at a near-Depression state unseen since the 1930s.

Under the "Lip Service Economy," the details of which are still emerging, the government can cool or heat the economy by offering hopes of an economic stimulus package. Cooling the economy requires government waffling on whether a bailout was forthcoming, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Forget supply-side economics, Adam Smith, the Laffer curve and the trickle down economy," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian. "With the 'Lip Service Economy,' the government can maintain a controllable economic system, one in which optimism and pessimism can be created with simple utterances by government officials -- with economic fundamentals notwithstanding."

The theory began to take shape the last few weeks as hopes for a U.S. auto bailout careened uncontrollably. On Sunday evening, Wall Street stock futures remained mixed as wary traders were awaiting hints of the latest government bailout plan.

Lehman Bros. equities analyst Phil Trado said the "Lip Service Economy" theory was full-proof.

"It doesn't even matter if the government's utterances are true or not. And it certainly doesn't matter if the economy blows up," he said. "What's important is that you timed your short and put stock orders along with the latest government bailout utterances."

President Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, asked TheYellowDailyNews to withhold publication of its report. If the new theory was exposed, the public might lose faith in the economy and perhaps the government, Bush said, adding that publication could embolden America's enemies.

"The disclosure of how our economy works is a white flag to our terrorist enemies that our economy is a house of cards. First the World Trade Center was blown to smithereens. What's next, the Chrysler Building?"

TheYellowDailyNews' executive editor, Dorian Petzelvitche, declined to comment on the Pulitzer-prize winning news outlet's decision to disclose the "Lip Service Economy" in a groundbreaking economic report entitled "Lip Service Economy."

Photo:  Bascom Hogue

Xmas 2009 Moved to March to Stimulate U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Federal Reserve is set to announce 2009 Christmas is moving to March as part of a sweeping economic stimulus package, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Fed sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews that Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is expected to make the announcement here perhaps as early as Friday. Economists said the plan was certain to undo the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression -- sparking an early resurgence in a wide range of products, from anti-depressants, electronics, liquor and lead-tainted toys.

Analysts noted that the Christmas season is the most lucrative for retailers. It spawns a frenzy of buying with borrowed money that isn't likely to be paid back for years, if ever, thus racking up huge interest debt and driving an economy accustomed to wanton materialism.

Futures on the New York Stock Exchange soared 3 percent when news of Bernanke's proposal was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website Thursday. Historians said it was the first time the Christmas season was moved in a bid to save U.S. capitalism.

"This is the most brilliant stimulus package the economy has ever seen," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Just think about how much money Americans will waste on unwanted and unnecessary gifts and toys. It's an economic boon."

The American Civil Liberties Union, however, was readying a legal challenge to the changeover, saying the government must also move Hanukkah, Kwanza and other holidays to prevent what some say could result in a "Santa Claus-based economy" in violation of the First Amendment.

"The thought that our economy can only be saved by feeding children with thoughts of a fat guy in a red coat climbing down millions of chimneys in one evening is preposterous," said Anthony Romero, the ACLU's executive director, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Some economists were concerned the Christmas changeover might not work as expected. Americans might salvage their Christmas tree they decorated during the regularly scheduled Christmas and reuse it in the March Christmas.

"The green revolution is taking over in the United States, and many families might see it as wasteful to kill two trees, instead of one, in such a short period of time," said Benjamin Green, a University of Oregon forester. "This uncertainty places trash haulers and landfill operators in an economic conundrum."

Fed insiders said Thanksgiving was also being considered to be moved to as early as the upcoming February. But the plan was ditched when meat plants said the growth hormones routinely injected in turkeys would not artificially fatten the animals in time.

Photo:  CainAndToddBenson

Governor Defends Obama Senate Seat eBay Auction

CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on Wednesday staunchly defended himself against federal charges he was auctioning President-elect Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder on the popular online site eBay.

The 51-year-old two-term governor, who by Illinois law is vested with appointing a senator to fill the U.S. Senate seat Obama is vacating to assume the presidency, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that his actions were "for the good of the country."

"I am bringing transparency to the political process," Blagojevich told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview here in the governor's mansion. "The only crime being committed here is that the government is accusing me of a crime and the public is buying it."

Presidential scholars said it was the first time a politician was trying to be bought on eBay. "It's usually not this transparent," Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian, said in an exclusive interview.

An eBay spokesman said Blagojevich's arrest underscores that eBay is the No. 1 auction site. In after hours trading, shares of eBay soared 18 cents, to $14.36.

The governor's arrest left rival online auction sites like Yahoo scrambling to secure the auction to fill Blagojevich's seat after his impeachment and imprisonment. If convicted, the governor faces a maximum 10-year prison term.

Obama, the senator from Illinois who is resigning his post to become the nation's 44th president, blasted Blagojevich for what he decried as "acts of treason against the name of politics."

"I spent more than $700 million to become president and Blagojevich wants to give away my senate seat for a few hundred thousand dollars? That's in insult to me and the voters who elected me," Obama said in an exclusive interview.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested the Illinois governor here on Tuesday after an astute agent stumbled upon the auction as she was monitoring eBay traffic for sales of al-Qaeda memorabilia, sources said.

"We had several hundred agents searching for clues of the next terror attack by monitoring auctions of knockoff Osama bin Laden memorabilia on eBay," FBI director Robert Mueller told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "An agent mis-typed 'Osama' and spelled 'Obama' by mistake and the rest is history."

Early on during the auction, hackers from the Ukraine hijacked the eBay site and posted a bid of $99,999,999, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews. But astute eBay officials regained control of the site moments before Blagojevich was to accept the bid, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: ursonate

Three Dead in Wal-Mart Funeral Stampede ‘Chaos’

Long Island, N.Y. -- (TYDN) At least three were left dead and dozens injured when a crowd of mourners stampeded at a funeral here Sunday while paying last respects to a loved one, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The carnage began when an estimated 200 mourners could not contain themselves when attending the funeral for 34-year-old Braden Morehouse, who was killed in an unrelated human stampede more than a week ago. With emotions boiling, the crowd rushed Morehouse's casket in what one witness described as "chaos." Along the way, the priest was trampled and listed in critical condition at a local hospital, sources said.

Analysts said it was the worst human stampede since Nov. 28, the day after Thanksgiving, when thousands of shoppers hurled themselves through a Wal-Mart front door here at 5 a.m., killing Wal-Mart employee Morehouse and injuring several others.

Sunday's stampede -- at the Long Island Funeral Home for the Living, formerly known as the Long Island Funeral Home for the Dead -- erupted when incensed mourners could not contain their anger over Morehouse's death. Last week, as a Wal-Mart temp, Morehouse had tried, in vain, to hold back a pack of frothing Black Friday shoppers which eventually tore down the front door and trampled him as it gangwayed into the Long Island store searching for deals from everything from toilet paper to electronics.

Witnesses at Morehouse's funeral, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said everybody just "lost it" and rushed Braden's casket as they recollected his death. "The preacher was up there, talking about Braden. Everybody started crying and just rushed his casket," one mourner, who requested anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "It was chaos. Everybody started screaming and bum-rushing Braden's body."

Several funeral stampede sources, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the crowed trampled the casket, and Morehouse's body fell from the coffin. Mourners, being pushed by a throng, eventually gave way and stampeded over the body again.

When it was over, when the dead and injured were cleared, survivors were left scratching their heads, wondering what had happened.

Edith Morehouse, who attended the funeral to mourn the loss of her son, was worried about the wake she was having at her Long Island house following the funeral. "Jesus Christ," she said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "I hope I got enough coleslaw."

Photo: .faramarz

Domestic Crisis as Mom-in-law Moves to White House

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law is scheduled to move to the White House here with the First Family on Jan. 20, when Obama assumes the presidency, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The revelation amounts to what legal scholars suggested was a looming domestic crisis -- an unprecedented constitutional showdown threatening to undermine the nation's checks and balances with the overnight creation of a fourth branch of government. Historians said the nation may drift into chaos as the executive, legislative and judicial branches confront an unprecedented stick thrown through their spokes.

"This new fourth branch, the so-called "you're-not-good-enough-for-my-daughter branch," is likely to turn government on its head, with the executive branch first to be thrown into turmoil," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This will resonate with the other branches, perhaps sending the nation into disarray."

Marian Robinson, the mother of First Lady-elect Michelle Obama, brings to the White House a keen sense of diplomacy. Experts said she has uncanny negotiation skills as well.

"She is known for getting people to take her position, to view it her way, without ever saying a word," Harvard University domestic affairs expert Dee Ranged said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "She can get it done with just a look, a facial expression of sorts with the threat being implied and understood -- a pure diplomatic attache she is for sure."

Still, legal experts suggested the manner in which President Obama conducts himself the first 100 days of office -- during his presidential honeymoon -- is crucial to the nation's future.

"This may seem paradoxical, but a strong executive is what's needed here to keep the nation's checks and balances in check, especially with the sudden creation of a fourth branch of government," Yale University historian Dick Yolio told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Only time will tell how this plays out. It's a powder keg nevertheless."

Prison, Brothel and Gambling Indexes Replacing Dow

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The Dow Jones Industrial Average index of 30 stocks, the widely followed indicator of stock market health since 1928, and other leading indexes are being replaced with several new trackers ranging from private prison firms to Las Vegas bookmaking facilities and brothels, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In a bid to spur investment into the ailing stock market, the government is replacing the Dow, the tech-heavy Nasdaq Composite Index and S&P 500 Index with new indexes that most Americans can relate to, according to several sources, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Federal Reserve officials told TheYellowDailyNews that the new leading index of 20 private prison companies â.. dubbed the CellSex 20 Index -- should also spur minority investment as well.

"With more than seven million American's in prison, about one in 100 of the population and the majority of them minorities, the creation of this tracking device is something that a large segment of the population can relate to," one Fed official said. "The United States has the world's largest per capital prison population, and this tracker is targeted at a growing segment of our population and should attract a wide swath of investment."

President-elect Barack Obama, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyDailyNews, said he endorsed the plan that is expected to be unveiled as early as Wednesday on the floor here of the New York Stock Exchange. Still, Obama had some reservations.

"I'm a little concerned that the public might confuse the CellSex 20 Index with the new Brothel 69 Index," Obama said. "However, I believe the PappaNeedsANewPairofShoes13 Index of bookmaking facilities should help revive the economy and bring in investors waiting on the sidelines. The 30 Blue Chips in the Dow are so yesterday."

Lehman Bros. equity index analyst Chiapta Leven, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said it might take time for institutional investors to adapt to the change. But he said he was elated the stock exchange didn't go too far.

"My sources said the exchange was seriously considering adapting a fourth tracker following the life and times of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan," Leven told TheYellowDailyNews. "The so-called BoobHotIndex 3 could have sparked a run on Wall Street and might have been confused with the CellSex 20 Index and the Brothel 69 Index."

The Dow closed Tuesday, its final day of indexing, at 8,419, up 270 points. Overall, advancers outweighed decliners on the Big Board by a 7-1 margin in heavy trading. The Dow is off its all-time high of 13,780 reached in September.

Photo:  jotor

Obama: Wal-Mart Stampede Signals Healthy Economy

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. --(TYDN) President-Elect Barack Obama declared an economic victory hours after a Wal-Mart worker died early Friday after being trampled by a mob of frenzied shoppers smashing through the Long Island store's front doors here.

The Black Friday 5 a.m. stampede plunged the Wal-Mart into chaos. Several employees were kicked to the ground. Others scurried atop vending machines to avoid the horde searching for deals from everything from board games to tin foil to toilet paper and video-games.

"This stampede, like a Who concert stampede, shows that consumers have money and are willing to spend," Obama told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "That hordes were clamoring to get into the Wal-Mart underscores that there's hordes of investors on the sidelines ready to invest in an Obama economy, in a future America."

When the stampede's madness ended, 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee Braden Morehouse was dead and four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured.

"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said an elated Wal-Mart manager Jimmy Underby. "Visible through the front glass window that the crowd shattered, I had built the most geometrically sound display of Christmas, I mean, holiday wrapping paper replete with bows. They could see it from outside and they took the doors off the hinges to barrel inside. Braden was trampled and killed in front of me and he didn't die in vain."

Wal-Mart insiders said they would have administered first aid and perhaps saved the employee's life. However, they said it was company policy not to use store products for personal use. They feared being fired if they helped their co-worker.

"I remember when Johnny from the produce department had jock itch real, real bad and was fired after he grabbed some power to extinguish the itch," Justin Lamardio said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "He was gonna pay for it but couldn't stand the burn and needed instant relief and got fired before he could fork over the $1.59."

Another employee, Ramsus Arnetticas, said he ran to the first-aid section for a tourniquet to "put on the trampled dude's head."

"I thought this might save him. But the price rang up wrong and we needed to do a price check on aisle 11," Arnetticas continued, saying he didn't care whether he got fired. "He was just sprawled out there on the ground in front of the wrapping paper display with everybody just stomping on top of him. I didn't use wrapping paper to stop his head from bleeding because that would have been, you know, weird and sacrilegious and all."

Even officers who arrived to perform CPR on the trampled worker were stepped on by wild-eyed shoppers streaming inside.

"This underscores a healthy economy," Obama said.

Shopper Dennis Densomre, who left the store with 10 packages of wrapping paper, a bagful of free popped-corn and "a 99-cent package of water balloons for the little one," said he was disappointed that the authorities shut down the store so "they could scoop up the dead Wal-Mart employee."

"His body was a stepping bag that allowed dozens of people to get that coveted wrapping paper that was on sale. He's a hero," Densomre told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview.

The melee began when an estimated 2,000 shoppers gathered outside Wal-Mart's doors in the predawn darkness, witnesses said.

Chanting, "push the doors in," the crowd pressed against the glass as the clock ticked down to the 5 a.m. opening. Sensing catastrophe, nervous employees formed a human chain inside the entrance to slow down the mass of shoppers.

It didn't work. The mob barreled in and overwhelmed workers, sparking the economic recovery the nation had been wanting.

Photo:  jurvetson

Bush Weighing Bush Pardon

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President George W. Bush's latest list of pardons does not include high-profile individuals, including the president himself, as he mulls whether to grant himself clemency in his final weeks in office, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Bush administration officials, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity early Friday, said the 43rd president was considering pardoning himself for the endless wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the recession, the housing crises, skyrocketing unemployment, inflation, the stock market crash and a legacy of unprecedented eavesdropping on the American populace.

The startling revelation of a possible Bush pardon sparked intense public debate. Legal scholars wondered aloud whether the power of executive commutation can be exercised on oneself â.. a power of forgiveness never exercised in such a way. The closest it's come was when then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton forgave President Clinton for having Oval Office sexual relations with intern Monica Lewinsky.

"In modern times, the pardon and commutation of sentences has been limited to drug dealers and the president's friends," Hoover Institute scholar Tim Smith said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Whether the president himself qualifies is an untested question."

Scholars and political watchers noted that the president was instead considering whether to charge $10,000 or $20,000 an hour for post-presidency speaking engagements to give the public a chance to peer into the mind of the nation's 43rd chief executive who will always be known as "Mr. President" regardless of whether he pardons himself.

Bush has been stingy about issuing pardons. Including this week's actions, he has granted a total of 171 pardons and eight commutations. That's less than half as many as either Clinton or President Reagan issued during their two terms in office.

One hot topic of discussion related to pardons is whether Bush might decide to issue pre-emptive pardons before he leaves office to himself or government employees who authorized or engaged in harsh interrogations of suspected terrorists in the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. Some constitutional scholars and human rights groups want the incoming administration of President-elect Barack Obama to investigate possible war crimes.

If Bush were to pardon anyone involved, it would provide protection against criminal charges, particularly for people who were following orders or trying to protect the nation with their actions. But it would also be highly controversial.

At the same time, Obama advisers say there is little, if any, chance that his administration would bring criminal charges against Bush or anybody else.

Photo: orangeacid